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Getting In The Best Shape Of My Life Changed My Marriage (But Not For The Reason You Think) · A Life Without Struggle

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Speaker 1: My name is Erin Lindauer, and you're listening to A
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Speaker 1: Life Without Struggle. I'm a wife, a mother of two
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Speaker 1: wonderful children, a two-time best-selling author, and a highly driven
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Speaker 1: and successful entrepreneur. In my 17 plus year career as
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Speaker 1: a mindset and health expert, I know what holds women
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Speaker 1: back from a life you only dream about. Whether you're
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Speaker 1: a CEO, a businesswoman or executive, I started this podcast
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Speaker 1: because I have been where you are and I know
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Speaker 1: you want and deserve more out of your life. I
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Speaker 1: believe women are limitless. We just get lost along the way.
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Speaker 1: The process to get you there is the topic and
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Speaker 1: purpose of this podcast. When you understand what you want,
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Speaker 1: you can truly step into a life without struggle. Welcome,
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Speaker 1: and I'm so thankful you're here. Welcome back to another
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Speaker 1: episode of Life Without Struggle. My name is Erin Lindauer,
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Speaker 1: and today we're going to talk about getting in the
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Speaker 1: best shape of my life changed my marriage. But not
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Speaker 1: for the reason that you think. So the part about
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Speaker 1: getting healthy that nobody literally talks about, and I'm going
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Speaker 1: to talk about it, it's going to get a little
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Speaker 1: uncomfortable and a little weird for you here today, but
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Speaker 1: we're all here for it. But I gave this topic
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Speaker 1: to my clients a couple weeks ago, and it was
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Speaker 1: received really, really well. I even had some comments that said, man,
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Speaker 1: we just don't talk about this as women. And I
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Speaker 1: know that to be true. And so today, I'm going
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Speaker 1: to share something that women just don't talk about enough.
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Speaker 1: And getting in the best shape of my life absolutely
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Speaker 1: changed my marriage. And it's not just because, yeah, okay,
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Speaker 1: I look better naked, right? Although, let's be real, that
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Speaker 1: part is freaking great, okay? It changed how I felt
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Speaker 1: about myself, how I communicated, how I handled my emotions.
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Speaker 1: and how I showed up as a wife. So most
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Speaker 1: women come to me because they want to lose 15,
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Speaker 1: 30 pounds, maybe more. They think their biggest problem is
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Speaker 1: this weight, but underneath all the frustration is often a
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Speaker 1: woman who does not recognize herself anymore. And there's a disconnect.
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Speaker 1: There's a your confidence, your sex life, and your happiness.
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Speaker 1: Let's also throw in some hormones, okay? This is honestly
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Speaker 1: where I see a lot of us changing and so
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Speaker 1: there's a lot going on, but we can't just blame
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Speaker 1: that and not do anything about it. So I am
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Speaker 1: going to share what changed in my marriage, okay, both
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Speaker 1: physically and mentally, okay? So you think you're trying just
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Speaker 1: to change your body, but you might be trying to
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Speaker 1: change the woman that you're bringing into this marriage. So
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Speaker 1: the woman you bring into your marriage actually matters so much,
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Speaker 1: but how many of you guys are so flipping tired? Okay.
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Speaker 1: I wanna take you guys back to a time where
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Speaker 1: it was really an impactful time for me. It honestly,
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Speaker 1: and so many women have heard this story, is when
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Speaker 1: I was 38, I was so exhausted, so uncomfortable in
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Speaker 1: my body. I was raising young kids, dealing with a
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Speaker 1: lot of stress and just did not feel like myself.
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Speaker 1: For a lot of you, you did the same. We
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Speaker 1: were in and out of doctor's offices. I was running
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Speaker 1: all the labs. I was being told everything was normal,
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Speaker 1: but I didn't feel normal. I hated getting dressed in
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Speaker 1: the morning. And when I looked in the mirror, I've
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Speaker 1: said this so many times, but I did not know
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Speaker 1: who was looking back. There was no life, no zest.
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Speaker 1: It was just get up and survive every single day.
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Speaker 1: And how did I respond when someone said something nice
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Speaker 1: to me? Oh, I got it on sale or whatever.
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Speaker 1: Or if Tony said something nice, did I accept it? No.
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Speaker 1: And was I playful, affectionate, confident, present? No, not at all.
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Speaker 1: The energy. literally had zero energy. And yet here I
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Speaker 1: was with young kids. And I mean, I just felt
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Speaker 1: like I was trying to make it. And I know
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Speaker 1: so many other moms can relate to this and you
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Speaker 1: love your husband, but yet you can feel so disconnected
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Speaker 1: and really it's a disconnection with yourself. So you can
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Speaker 1: have a good marriage and still not feel sexy and alive.
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Speaker 1: You can be successful professionally while privately you just struggle
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Speaker 1: to feel good in your own skin. This is where
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Speaker 1: I catch a lot of women is you're just your drivers.
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Speaker 1: You get after it. You've been wildly successful in your career,
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Speaker 1: but you hate how you look and it literally impacts everything.
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Speaker 1: So I have a powerful question for you. How much
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Speaker 1: of the frustration and you have with your marriage might
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Speaker 1: actually be the frustration with how you feel about yourself. See,
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Speaker 1: everything's a mirror, okay? You are a mirror of your spouse.
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Speaker 1: So whatever you're feeling from them, guarantee it's being reflected
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Speaker 1: right back. So this isn't about blaming women that you're
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Speaker 1: the reason the relationship problems, that's not where I'm going.
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Speaker 1: I want to truly influence you in how much control
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Speaker 1: you actually have. So your husband cannot give you confidence.
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Speaker 1: You refuse to give yourself. So I might get a
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Speaker 1: little spicy on you here is your husband can say
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Speaker 1: you look beautiful and you reply, oh, but my stomach,
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Speaker 1: I'm bloated. My, my pants are too tight. He reaches
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Speaker 1: for you and you pull away, compliments you, you explain
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Speaker 1: why he's wrong. Anybody out there doing that? Ladies, how
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Speaker 1: many times are we asking our husbands to make us
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Speaker 1: feel beautiful while simultaneously arguing with every compliment they give us? Okay.
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Speaker 1: So I want to discuss how your self-concept influences your
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Speaker 1: ability to receive affection. And how when you get stronger,
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Speaker 1: you build muscle, you feel better in your own skin,
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Speaker 1: how this actually helps you feel differently. So the important
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Speaker 1: distinction is you don't need a certain body size to
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Speaker 1: deserve affection or intimacy. confidence can be built at any size, okay?
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Speaker 1: But now I don't wanna get into this whole body
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Speaker 1: positivity because that may not be healthy. So I'm going after, hey,
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Speaker 1: get your health in a really good space. That doesn't
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Speaker 1: mean be skinny, mini, you know, crazy numbers on the scale.
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Speaker 1: It means healthy. What is your body fat percentage? Okay,
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Speaker 1: that's a big number that I really educate women on.
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Speaker 1: But we have to start creating confidence our emotional safety
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Speaker 1: with ourselves. So many times we want to blame them,
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Speaker 1: but listen, he can tell you you're sexy a hundred times,
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Speaker 1: but at some point you've got to stop arguing with
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Speaker 1: the woman in the mirror. Stop believing every story your
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Speaker 1: brain creates. This is where this is where I'm going
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Speaker 1: to tell you I'm way more than just here's your
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Speaker 1: workout plan, here's your nutrition. And this is where so
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Speaker 1: much of your mindset will influence your communication. So what
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Speaker 1: happens is we will have an event happen, say with
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Speaker 1: your husband, you have a certain interpretation of what maybe
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Speaker 1: he meant. You have an emotion that And then you
8:47
Speaker 1: have a reaction. And so I want to paint this
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Speaker 1: picture that maybe your husband goes quiet on you. Well,
8:57
Speaker 1: there's a fact. He's just being quiet. Here's a story
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Speaker 1: that we tell ourself. He's mad at me. I did
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Speaker 1: something wrong. He doesn't want to talk to me. The reaction,
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Speaker 1: then you become very defensive, irritated, withdrawn. But what if
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Speaker 1: he was just simply tired like you are? The issue
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Speaker 1: isn't always what happened. It's when we assign meaning to
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Speaker 1: what happened. So we want to explore the assumptions, the expectations,
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Speaker 1: the old emotional patterns that truly influence our marriage. And
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Speaker 1: hands down, I will tell you, most women just need
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Speaker 1: to communicate better along with our men. But there's so
9:42
Speaker 1: much that we do that helps lead our and pull
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Speaker 1: the unit together. So are you responding to what your
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Speaker 1: spouse actually said, or are you assuming what maybe you
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Speaker 1: think they meant? Are you listening to understand or preparing
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Speaker 1: for your defense? This is something that even myself, I just,
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Speaker 1: everything became an argument. Everything kept being very, I got
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Speaker 1: to be right. And, you know, I like being right.
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Speaker 1: I don't like being told what to do. How many
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Speaker 1: times too, did you expect your spouse to just read
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Speaker 1: your mind? You know, there's so many times when I
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Speaker 1: was like, you should know, I just want this, or
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Speaker 1: this is the reaction that I wanted you to have.
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Speaker 1: And that that's really unfair. And we have to communicate
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Speaker 1: more and more and more what it is that we
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Speaker 1: actually want. So you can spend years fighting about things
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Speaker 1: that actually never happened. It's only the story that you
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Speaker 1: created around it. I think two people can experience exactly
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Speaker 1: the same thing and have very, very different reactions to it.
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Speaker 1: And sometimes we hold resent. You should feel a certain way. Well,
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Speaker 1: it's their feelings. It's not right, wrong. So we want
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Speaker 1: our communication to... sometimes we want to just be right
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Speaker 1: versus being very, very connected. Can you have disagreeing viewpoints
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Speaker 1: but still have a civil conversation? So this is where
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Speaker 1: I want to share some really cool changes that can
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Speaker 1: occur should you be willing to look at things just
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Speaker 1: a little bit differently. In understanding the emotional intelligence around,
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Speaker 1: you can have differing viewpoints and And both be okay.
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Speaker 1: You know, this is like the whole Democrat versus Republican
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Speaker 1: right now. And it's like, hey, guess what? Both can
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Speaker 1: be right. You know, both can have certain things that
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Speaker 1: are really, really cool that actually would make a lot
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Speaker 1: of impact if we all could just kind of come
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Speaker 1: to a middle ground, right? I don't know. So we
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Speaker 1: have to think about our difference between reacting versus responding.
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Speaker 1: Blaming versus taking responsibility. Assuming versus asking. Keeping score. That's
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Speaker 1: a tough one. Wanting to win versus wanting to understand.
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Speaker 1: There's a classic trap that I see a lot of
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Speaker 1: women get into is he should just know. He should
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Speaker 1: know I'm overwhelmed. He should know that I need help.
12:28
Speaker 1: He should know that I want more attention. He should
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Speaker 1: know what upsets me. They're not mind readers and neither
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Speaker 1: are you. So communicating your needs clearly, respectfully, while expecting
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Speaker 1: mutual effort is okay. The problem is, is most women
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Speaker 1: will just take everything on, try to be superwoman, and
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Speaker 1: in the background, you're drowning versus asking for help when
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Speaker 1: you should. You can win every argument and still lose
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Speaker 1: the connection you're fighting for. I know this was something
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Speaker 1: that I was very adamant on being right. And I mean,
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Speaker 1: I would just consistently get after it until we just
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Speaker 1: wore each other out. So let's talk about the uncomfortable stuff.
13:22
Speaker 1: Let's talk about sex, confidence, and intimacy. So this is
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Speaker 1: where I want you to kind of lean in with me.
13:30
Speaker 1: is can we talk about what happens in the bedroom
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Speaker 1: when a woman doesn't feel good in her own skin?
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Speaker 1: So there's a difference. There's a different experience of being
13:43
Speaker 1: physically present, but absolutely being mentally distracted. So think about
13:48
Speaker 1: it this way, your stomach. And when you're just like
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Speaker 1: thinking about your stomach and, oh, just don't touch me.
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Speaker 1: And I've had, I've had this conversation so many times
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Speaker 1: with women where you just were like, oh, if he
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Speaker 1: touches me one more time. And I want you to
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Speaker 1: understand that there can be a point where you feel
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Speaker 1: good no matter what. It doesn't mean you have to
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Speaker 1: be skinny mini a certain number on the scale, but
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Speaker 1: But there's a certain level of confidence when you take
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Speaker 1: care of yourself, when you're working towards your health and
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Speaker 1: you're seeing the physical changes to your body and you
14:27
Speaker 1: feel on fire. So there's so much of women, you're
14:34
Speaker 1: constantly thinking about your body and analyzing it. You're wondering
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Speaker 1: what you look like. You're so exhausted, feeling touched. You're
14:44
Speaker 1: just like, please don't. And it's because you have been
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Speaker 1: taking care of everybody else. You're tired and I get it.
14:52
Speaker 1: And you have very little interest in intimacy. And just
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Speaker 1: full disclosure for a lot of women, there can be
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Speaker 1: a hormonal piece to this as well. And I will
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Speaker 1: challenge you as if you do have extra weight on
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Speaker 1: your body and your hormones are not in a good spot,
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Speaker 1: we need to get you metabolically in a really, really
15:13
Speaker 1: good space and then potentially add in some hormone replacement therapy,
15:18
Speaker 1: if it's even appropriate for you. And that could be
15:22
Speaker 1: the game changer, but it's not the end all be all.
15:26
Speaker 1: And it's not that every woman needs this. So if
15:32
Speaker 1: you find yourself in this space of just, you have very,
15:35
Speaker 1: very little interest in intimacy, I want you to consider
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Speaker 1: what it would feel like if you were stronger, healthier,
15:45
Speaker 1: if you felt more confident, felt better in your own skin,
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Speaker 1: and you may find yourself becoming more playful, more comfortable
15:55
Speaker 1: being seen, more willing to initiate the affection, and being
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Speaker 1: more present during the intimacy. I can't tell you how
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Speaker 1: many women have shared with me that they just, out
16:06
Speaker 1: of frustration, they will just cave. And I feel you,
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Speaker 1: But on the flip side, what guard are you putting up?
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Speaker 1: If you don't feel good in your own skin, that's
16:22
Speaker 1: not your husband's fault. And I'm not saying your fault too,
16:26
Speaker 1: but what I'm saying is take the personal responsibility and
16:30
Speaker 1: make some changes. If you guys are feeling very disconnected,
16:35
Speaker 1: get on the same page. But sometimes you're going to
16:38
Speaker 1: have to let go of the years of frustration and
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Speaker 1: If you're willing to move forward powerfully, if you're holding
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Speaker 1: score of all the things that he didn't do from
16:50
Speaker 1: your perception, you got to ask yourself, what are we
16:55
Speaker 1: really fighting about? Okay, because half the time you're just
16:59
Speaker 1: fighting with yourself. You're fighting with a feeling that you
17:02
Speaker 1: want to feel that only you can actually feel it.
17:06
Speaker 1: But you want to put it on your husband to
17:08
Speaker 1: make you feel how you feel. Does that make sense?
17:12
Speaker 1: Kind of went in a circle there. For me, getting
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Speaker 1: healthy wasn't just about how I looked naked. It was
17:20
Speaker 1: how I felt about being naked. That's a very different conversation.
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Speaker 1: So are you guys growing together or are you just
17:33
Speaker 1: managing a household? So we need to expand this conversation
17:37
Speaker 1: just a little bit. And let's think about how many
17:40
Speaker 1: couples become really good roommates. This is what we always joked,
17:46
Speaker 1: but actually not in a very good way, but we
17:48
Speaker 1: were just like, well, you're just my roommate, business partner, cool.
17:52
Speaker 1: And I was like, well, shit, this sucks. But listen,
17:55
Speaker 1: like you get really good at running a household, kids, schedule, bills, grocery, work, sports,
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Speaker 1: family responsibilities, and somewhere along the way, You stop being
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Speaker 1: intentional about this relationship. You know, I can't even tell
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Speaker 1: you personally right now, the last time we've been on
18:12
Speaker 1: a date night and that is our fault. Okay. This
18:15
Speaker 1: is something I talk about with a lot of women is,
18:18
Speaker 1: you know, when was the last time you and your
18:20
Speaker 1: husband put some goals on paper and said what you
18:23
Speaker 1: actually wanted for your life? Probably not. Probably haven't. Probably,
18:29
Speaker 1: probably it goes something like this. Maybe you went to school.
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Speaker 1: Maybe you didn't got into that career. Cool. got married
18:35
Speaker 1: somewhere in there. And then you started having kids and
18:39
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, like, who are you? It's pretty
18:42
Speaker 1: much what happens to most of us. So when was
18:45
Speaker 1: the last time you and your husband talked about what
18:47
Speaker 1: you wanted in the next 10 years of your life?
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Speaker 1: Probably none of you. Okay. Because we can't even look
18:55
Speaker 1: past tomorrow. Am I right? I can't even get past
18:59
Speaker 1: this week. That's what I have so many women in, in,
19:03
Speaker 1: I will tell you, half you guys, you got to prune.
19:07
Speaker 1: You've got yourself so maxed from a schedule standpoint. And
19:13
Speaker 1: I feel for women whose husband travels and is gone
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Speaker 1: a lot and it's all on you. I really feel
19:20
Speaker 1: for you. But maybe we need to say no to
19:24
Speaker 1: more things so that we can say yes more to you, yourself,
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Speaker 1: your husband, your sanity. but you feel like you got
19:33
Speaker 1: to keep up with the Joneses and you got to
19:36
Speaker 1: have your kids and all the things. And listen, your
19:38
Speaker 1: kids will be okay. But I want you to ask yourself,
19:44
Speaker 1: when was the last time we got on the same page?
19:47
Speaker 1: So when Tony and I are 100% in alignment around, Hey,
19:52
Speaker 1: we're going to get things dialed in. And now it
19:54
Speaker 1: does help when your spouse is on board. I'm just
19:57
Speaker 1: going to say like, if he's having a beer, guess what?
20:01
Speaker 1: I'm going to want to have, I mean, my current
20:04
Speaker 1: flavor of choice is a Prosecco. So, but If he's
20:09
Speaker 1: having a drink, I'm going to want to drink. Okay.
20:11
Speaker 1: So if we're both trying to do things, it is
20:16
Speaker 1: challenging and I will give you this, but it's not impossible.
20:19
Speaker 1: I watch women do this all the time where their
20:22
Speaker 1: husband is totally not on board. Okay. But the coolest
20:26
Speaker 1: thing is when your husband sees you doing the work
20:28
Speaker 1: and he does get on board. Okay. So that's something
20:32
Speaker 1: I do want to call out is your husband will
20:34
Speaker 1: get on board eventually because you're the leader. And it's
20:40
Speaker 1: a good thing. Being on the same page doesn't mean
20:44
Speaker 1: you agree on everything. It just means that you're intentionally
20:49
Speaker 1: building something together. Don't spend 20 years building a life
20:54
Speaker 1: together and forget building a relationship inside of it. This
20:59
Speaker 1: is where I see so many women fall apart. The
21:02
Speaker 1: second those kids get out of the house, they're kind
21:05
Speaker 1: of like, uh, okay, what's my purpose now? which is fair,
21:09
Speaker 1: super fair, especially when your whole life revolved 100% around them.
21:15
Speaker 1: And I'm here for it. It's all good. But you
21:19
Speaker 1: need to know who you are. Yes, you're a mom
21:24
Speaker 1: and it's wonderful. Yes, you're a wife and that's great.
21:28
Speaker 1: But who the hell are you, girlfriend? Who do you
21:31
Speaker 1: really want to be? See, I really waffled with this hard.
21:36
Speaker 1: I waffled with who is Erin Lindauer. And I didn't
21:41
Speaker 1: take to being a mom exactly the way I would
21:44
Speaker 1: have liked to. I'm happy to report that now I'm
21:48
Speaker 1: fully embracing it. It's all good. Just didn't take to
21:53
Speaker 1: it very well in the beginning, but we're good now.
21:56
Speaker 1: And I don't know if that ever comes out right
21:59
Speaker 1: when I say it, but It's one of those things
22:02
Speaker 1: where it just was like, holy crap, now I have
22:05
Speaker 1: like two more faces to take care of and I
22:07
Speaker 1: can barely take care of myself, my husband, the dog.
22:10
Speaker 1: Like we had a cat at one point, but Tony
22:13
Speaker 1: made me get rid of her. So who are you?
22:20
Speaker 1: This is something that I've had to personally dig really
22:23
Speaker 1: deep because who I really wanted to be scared the
22:27
Speaker 1: shit out of me, scared the shit out of me.
22:32
Speaker 1: But what I know is that most things in life
22:36
Speaker 1: that scare the ever-living bananas out of you is the
22:40
Speaker 1: stuff that truly hits, that impacts. See, I was scared
22:46
Speaker 1: to lead. I was scared to lead and put myself
22:49
Speaker 1: out there. Scared of what? Someone's going to make a
22:52
Speaker 1: mean comment on the internet? Dude, they do that every day.
22:56
Speaker 1: There are so many mean women out there that I
22:59
Speaker 1: just honestly feel for them. But how many times did
23:02
Speaker 1: I let that hold me back from being the woman
23:05
Speaker 1: that I wanted to be? More times than I'd care
23:08
Speaker 1: to admit, but for what purpose? And I had to
23:12
Speaker 1: really work through it. Like, you know what? Cool. I'm
23:16
Speaker 1: not fake. I, you know, the fakest thing that I
23:19
Speaker 1: have going on right now is I love me some
23:22
Speaker 1: hair extensions. Okay. Love them. Love every aspect about them.
23:26
Speaker 1: Highly recommend them if you've ever considered them. But I
23:29
Speaker 1: haven't had my boobs done. I haven't had my face done.
23:33
Speaker 1: I haven't had anything done, okay? Maybe I've used, or
23:37
Speaker 1: maybe I have used peptides, okay? But I eat well.
23:42
Speaker 1: I exercise. I take care of myself. And when you
23:45
Speaker 1: look at women across the landscape of fitness, I don't
23:49
Speaker 1: look the same as those women. And it's okay. And
23:52
Speaker 1: I had to really embrace that. This is just who
23:55
Speaker 1: you are, Aaron. And women love you because you are
23:59
Speaker 1: just real and raw. Okay. I am going to tell you,
24:02
Speaker 1: I had a woman DM me and she goes, Oh
24:05
Speaker 1: my God, I love your hair. What are you taking?
24:08
Speaker 1: What are you doing? And I go, thank you. But
24:12
Speaker 1: I have two rows of hair extensions. And she goes,
24:15
Speaker 1: thank you for telling me that she goes, Thank you
24:19
Speaker 1: for telling me that. And not just saying that you
24:21
Speaker 1: were taking, you know, some supplement or whatever. And I'm,
24:25
Speaker 1: I was like, well, full disclosure, I am taking copper
24:27
Speaker 1: peptides and that will hands down thicken, grow your hair tenfold.
24:32
Speaker 1: And I said, I highly, highly recommend it. If it's
24:34
Speaker 1: something you want to put in your budget, it's very
24:37
Speaker 1: good for hair, skin, and nails, super vain, but I listen,
24:40
Speaker 1: I'm here for it. But I was holding myself back
24:45
Speaker 1: because thinking I had to look like everyone else, when
24:49
Speaker 1: in reality, I just need to be me. And once
24:52
Speaker 1: I embrace, just dude, be you. Guess what? I have acne, okay?
24:56
Speaker 1: Guess what? I'm figuring it out, okay? A lot of days,
25:00
Speaker 1: it's very self-conscious for me, but I also told myself, whatever,
25:06
Speaker 1: put a filter on it, move on, okay? You're not
25:09
Speaker 1: the first person to have a zit, you're not gonna
25:11
Speaker 1: be the last person, and it's all good. So- We
25:15
Speaker 1: all tell ourselves different stories and we start to truly
25:21
Speaker 1: lose ourself in this space of life. And then all
25:24
Speaker 1: of a sudden the kids are out of the house.
25:26
Speaker 1: You're looking at your husband and you're like, who the
25:28
Speaker 1: hell is this? And now I got to do life
25:31
Speaker 1: with just you. And I see a lot of women
25:35
Speaker 1: separate in these times of their life because they lost
25:38
Speaker 1: that connection. So there's hard seasons and it's okay. Marriage
25:46
Speaker 1: isn't just about the good stuff. This is where I
25:50
Speaker 1: want to share with you that we all go through
25:53
Speaker 1: different challenging things. And, you know, we just went through,
25:57
Speaker 1: you know, and we're still going through some interesting stuff
26:00
Speaker 1: that will resolve. But man, oh man, man, it challenges you.
26:05
Speaker 1: But I'll share with you guys, and some of you
26:07
Speaker 1: guys already have known this, but Tony just went through
26:11
Speaker 1: a really intense surgery. And full disclosure, he is still
26:16
Speaker 1: recovering from it. Like his oblique is still numb because
26:20
Speaker 1: of the nerve damage. And it's still holding him back
26:24
Speaker 1: from being how he wants to be, his physique. You know,
26:28
Speaker 1: what's interesting is I remember a couple years ago, it's
26:32
Speaker 1: probably been more like four or five years ago, Tony
26:35
Speaker 1: took a picture, me sitting, we were by the pool,
26:39
Speaker 1: and it was just the angle I looked at. horrible. Have,
26:46
Speaker 1: have you ever had the picture taken by your husband?
26:48
Speaker 1: And then he posted on social media and I flipped the,
26:51
Speaker 1: you know, what out like mad crying, wouldn't talk to him.
26:56
Speaker 1: Like just it caused a really big fight, a really
27:02
Speaker 1: big fight. And he was like, you don't look bad. Well, great.
27:06
Speaker 1: I Here's where I want to share with you is
27:11
Speaker 1: we were just on vacation in beautiful St. Martin, and
27:16
Speaker 1: it was just one of the best vacations to date.
27:19
Speaker 1: And he had just gotten cleared to fly because I
27:23
Speaker 1: guess it's a thing post lung surgery that you can't
27:26
Speaker 1: fly for so many weeks. He got released that we
27:30
Speaker 1: could fly. And I mean, I booked the tickets and
27:32
Speaker 1: I was like, we got to get out of here.
27:33
Speaker 1: We got to go do something before the kids start school.
27:36
Speaker 1: And we were taking pictures on the beach. scenery was
27:40
Speaker 1: just perfect, gorgeous. And I took a picture of Tony
27:43
Speaker 1: and I, and I honestly thought he looked really good.
27:48
Speaker 1: And especially for someone that was just, I think it
27:51
Speaker 1: was four or six weeks post-surgery, I was like, damn,
27:56
Speaker 1: you look great. I took the picture, I posted it
27:59
Speaker 1: on social media, just doting on him about being post.
28:03
Speaker 1: And he said to me, I hate how I look.
28:08
Speaker 1: And I was like, damn, I am so sorry. And
28:12
Speaker 1: I didn't, cause I've never heard him say those words.
28:14
Speaker 1: I've never, ever, ever heard him say that he didn't
28:18
Speaker 1: like how he looked. And I was like, fuck, you
28:21
Speaker 1: look amazing post-surgery. And most guys don't even look how
28:26
Speaker 1: you look post-surgery, right? Well, it clicked in my head
28:31
Speaker 1: how much we had changed. because that didn't cause a fight.
28:37
Speaker 1: I didn't get defensive trying to tell him he looked good. Right. And,
28:42
Speaker 1: but I also can appreciate because I was like, ah, man,
28:45
Speaker 1: I know what that feels like to not feel good
28:48
Speaker 1: in that photo. And I asked him, I said, do
28:50
Speaker 1: you want me to take it down? And he was like, no,
28:53
Speaker 1: I don't know. But the emotional intelligence that the two
28:57
Speaker 1: of us could have talking through that conversation versus before
29:02
Speaker 1: And maybe it's a role reversal, right? Maybe he would
29:04
Speaker 1: have responded the same way or a different, better than
29:08
Speaker 1: what I would have in the past. But this is
29:12
Speaker 1: where I'm gonna tell you that when you go through
29:16
Speaker 1: pretty life altering things, I mean, I did not realize
29:20
Speaker 1: how hard of a surgery that actually was gonna be.
29:25
Speaker 1: And full disclosure, I don't think Tony prepped me enough
29:29
Speaker 1: Of what was going on, but we were just so
29:30
Speaker 1: busy with business and kids and getting ready for school, summer,
29:34
Speaker 1: kids home. I mean, you guys all know that we
29:37
Speaker 1: just had a lot on our plate. I was taking
29:39
Speaker 1: way too many calls. And I thankfully have gotten my
29:43
Speaker 1: schedule way, way, way better, which was was great. But
29:46
Speaker 1: it was just a season where I just I couldn't
29:48
Speaker 1: I couldn't I had no bandwidth to even understand anything.
29:52
Speaker 1: But I remember standing there the day of surgery, both
29:56
Speaker 1: the anesthesiologist, the surgeon, who's a thoracic specialized surgeon, and
30:01
Speaker 1: the pulmonologist all sharing what he was about to go through.
30:05
Speaker 1: And I didn't realize he was going to be intubated.
30:07
Speaker 1: And I was like, okay, wait a minute, what are
30:10
Speaker 1: we doing here? And Tony later at his follow-up with
30:14
Speaker 1: his pulmonologist, he was like, I don't think your wife
30:17
Speaker 1: knew exactly what was going on, but she was very
30:20
Speaker 1: lovely and very concerned for you. And he said, rightfully so.
30:23
Speaker 1: We were probably not as open. and sharing how challenging
30:29
Speaker 1: of an infection this is, and that we didn't know
30:34
Speaker 1: if this was going to be exactly what was going
30:37
Speaker 1: to heal you, if we were gonna get it all,
30:40
Speaker 1: if you were gonna be okay, how much lung damage
30:43
Speaker 1: are you gonna have consequently because of this? And this
30:47
Speaker 1: is where you start to really realize how much of
30:51
Speaker 1: this relationship has grown, has changed, has evolved, Because I
30:57
Speaker 1: remember too, when he was in the hospital and now
31:00
Speaker 1: it's all on you and in trying to navigate the kids.
31:05
Speaker 1: And I had texted some neighbors saying, Hey, I may
31:08
Speaker 1: actually need some help. I never asked for help, but
31:10
Speaker 1: I'm asking for help. Thankfully, I was able to get
31:13
Speaker 1: the kids in a camp and that ended up working out.
31:16
Speaker 1: But there's this whole level of trust, compassion, patience, support,
31:25
Speaker 1: And you show up for each other in difficult seasons. Okay.
31:31
Speaker 1: There's some things that I would have done differently, but
31:35
Speaker 1: it's important that when you're in that moment of high
31:39
Speaker 1: stress is try to stay neutral, try to zoom out,
31:44
Speaker 1: try to really understand what is important today. What can
31:48
Speaker 1: I do? I remember going to the gym. So he
31:52
Speaker 1: had surgery on Thursday, and I went to work out
31:55
Speaker 1: on Friday morning. And I said to him, I was like, Hey,
31:57
Speaker 1: are you cool? I'm gonna go work out. And he goes,
32:00
Speaker 1: I would go and work out if I were you.
32:03
Speaker 1: And I said, Okay, cool. I just want to make
32:04
Speaker 1: sure but so here's me going and doing my normal workout.
32:09
Speaker 1: And a gentleman knew that Tony was having surgery that
32:12
Speaker 1: we had talked we'd see every day or every time
32:15
Speaker 1: we're in the gym. And he was like, is Tony okay?
32:21
Speaker 1: What's going on? And I said, oh, he's at the hospital.
32:24
Speaker 1: I go, he's going to be there through the weekend
32:26
Speaker 1: and probably early next week. And he goes, well, why
32:29
Speaker 1: are you here? And I go, because I need to
32:31
Speaker 1: get my workout in. And he just kind of looked
32:34
Speaker 1: at me like I was doing something so wrong. And
32:37
Speaker 1: I just sat there and I was like, So I
32:39
Speaker 1: can't work out because my husband's in the hospital. Like, which, okay,
32:44
Speaker 1: full disclosure, maybe some of you think I'm crazy too
32:46
Speaker 1: and that's all good, but I needed it for my sanity.
32:49
Speaker 1: I needed to still take care of myself. I knew
32:52
Speaker 1: the kids were good. I knew Tony was good and
32:55
Speaker 1: that I needed to be good too. So you need
33:00
Speaker 1: to remember that things are gonna happen and you're going
33:05
Speaker 1: to have to be a different person at different time
33:08
Speaker 1: but there's a bigger transformation about who you become in
33:12
Speaker 1: this journey of taking care of yourself. So women come
33:16
Speaker 1: to me because they want to lose weight, but what
33:19
Speaker 1: often changes goes way beyond body composition. When you build strength,
33:27
Speaker 1: when you start prioritizing yourself, when you build self-trust, when
33:32
Speaker 1: you feel more confident, when you set better boundaries, when
33:37
Speaker 1: you communicate differently, when you become more intentional about your relationship,
33:45
Speaker 1: and sometimes the marriage benefits simply because you're just showing
33:51
Speaker 1: up differently. The first transformation might be physical, but the
33:57
Speaker 1: transformation that changes your life is who you become in
34:02
Speaker 1: this process. So I've got to ask you guys some
34:08
Speaker 1: questions here. I want you to really reflect on this
34:12
Speaker 1: is who am I currently bringing into my marriage? Am
34:16
Speaker 1: I exhausted, resentful, insecure version of myself or the woman
34:24
Speaker 1: I actually want to be? See, so many times you
34:27
Speaker 1: guys want to go to couples therapy and listen, this
34:29
Speaker 1: is not a slam on therapy. I think therapy has
34:33
Speaker 1: a purpose, but a lot of times it's a rhetorical conversation.
34:39
Speaker 1: And it's really more about, hey guys, what do you
34:42
Speaker 1: really want? Because for most husband and wives, you just
34:46
Speaker 1: get very disconnected. You get caught up in the day
34:49
Speaker 1: to day, the minutia of busy life, kids, sports, and
34:54
Speaker 1: it's You just never stop to actually ask each other, hey,
34:58
Speaker 1: what do you want? What's important to you? And then
35:05
Speaker 1: another question that I want you to reflect on is
35:08
Speaker 1: what am I expecting my spouse to fix that I
35:13
Speaker 1: need to take responsibility for myself? So Too many women
35:20
Speaker 1: tell me, well, but my husband does this, this, and this.
35:23
Speaker 1: And we're honestly, yes, they need to grow. They need
35:26
Speaker 1: to change. And there's probably some insecurities. Just remember that
35:31
Speaker 1: everything's a mirror. So whenever you're feeling something from them,
35:36
Speaker 1: how are you reflecting that towards your spouse? That was
35:40
Speaker 1: a really hard concept for me. Or like when we
35:44
Speaker 1: had something challenging happen in business, I'm always like, how
35:48
Speaker 1: is this a reflection? And that really checks you and
35:52
Speaker 1: it's hard and it's hard to take responsibility, but there's
35:57
Speaker 1: one person you can change and that's you. Another question
36:02
Speaker 1: I have for you is where am I making assumptions
36:04
Speaker 1: instead of just communicating? Does he even know that you're
36:09
Speaker 1: doing this, this and this? And there's so many unspoken
36:12
Speaker 1: things If you're wanting them to help take out the
36:19
Speaker 1: trash or do the laundry or do the dishes, whatever,
36:24
Speaker 1: just communicate it. Like, hey, I've been trying to keep
36:27
Speaker 1: up with this. You know, can you help out a
36:30
Speaker 1: little bit? Like in these moments, you see me running
36:33
Speaker 1: around the house and doing all these things. Can you
36:36
Speaker 1: can you pitch in to or can we create a schedule?
36:39
Speaker 1: That's something too that I just don't think we communicate
36:41
Speaker 1: enough on, okay, how can we make this day go really,
36:45
Speaker 1: really well? I mean, not trying to be psycho, but
36:49
Speaker 1: we have it down to the minute with our kids
36:52
Speaker 1: and getting up for school. So Tony and I both
36:55
Speaker 1: like to get up earlier, do some work, meditation, reflection, goals, self-work,
37:04
Speaker 1: then we get our kids up. So we get our
37:08
Speaker 1: kids up strategically at the same time. We have their clothes.
37:12
Speaker 1: We have their toothbrush. We have basically, hey, here's your
37:17
Speaker 1: three options for breakfast, which one you want, right? And
37:22
Speaker 1: then it's a very rhythmic thing. They eat, they get dressed,
37:27
Speaker 1: they brush their teeth. And here's the motivator. If you
37:32
Speaker 1: get this all done, you will have 10-ish minutes of
37:37
Speaker 1: to do what you want. Grab your screen. I don't care. Okay.
37:42
Speaker 1: So it motivates our kids because they know if they
37:45
Speaker 1: get the things done, if they get up, like have
37:49
Speaker 1: their breakfast, get dressed, brush their teeth, do their hair,
37:53
Speaker 1: get their shoes on, then they get time to themselves.
37:58
Speaker 1: So it's a motivation to something that they want. And
38:02
Speaker 1: anytime I catch them lagging, tired, not wanting to do something,
38:08
Speaker 1: I go, Hey, you're just cutting into your free time.
38:10
Speaker 1: And that tends to straighten things up real quick. So
38:16
Speaker 1: where can you create a schedule that's going to make
38:19
Speaker 1: your life easier? Because how many times you just do
38:22
Speaker 1: it the same darn way, because you've always done it
38:25
Speaker 1: the same darn way, When in reality, you need to
38:27
Speaker 1: find a way that works that keeps your sanity. Another
38:32
Speaker 1: reflection question is, are we intentionally growing together or simply
38:38
Speaker 1: getting through life together? Very different. And the last one is,
38:45
Speaker 1: what would change in your marriage if you started feeling stronger, healthier, happy,
38:51
Speaker 1: and more confident in yourself? So I can tell you
38:58
Speaker 1: that getting into the best shape of my life changed
39:00
Speaker 1: far more than just my body, but so did the
39:03
Speaker 1: mental work Tony and I did. We learned how to
39:07
Speaker 1: communicate differently, how to understand each other, and how to
39:10
Speaker 1: become more intentional in our relationship. And here's what I
39:14
Speaker 1: want you to understand is taking care of yourself isn't selfish.
39:19
Speaker 1: Your marriage deserves a woman who feels alive, confident, connected, fulfilled.
39:25
Speaker 1: And you deserve to feel that way too. This was
39:28
Speaker 1: never just about losing the world. weight. It's about building
39:32
Speaker 1: a life and a marriage that genuinely enjoy being a
39:36
Speaker 1: part of. So I know when you're listening to this
39:40
Speaker 1: and you're thinking, I just want to feel like myself again.
39:44
Speaker 1: That's exactly why I created my Infinite Women Coaching Program.
39:49
Speaker 1: The work we do is way more than workouts and nutrition.
39:54
Speaker 1: We help women navigate the physical changes of midlife while
39:58
Speaker 1: building your strength, building your confidence, your habits, and truly
40:01
Speaker 1: that self-trust that carries into every part of our lives
40:06
Speaker 1: because you deserve to feel incredible in your body, in
40:10
Speaker 1: the life you're building. So when this message hits home,
40:13
Speaker 1: I want you to reach out. And I want you
40:16
Speaker 1: to grab me on socials, just Erin at, or it's Erin, A-R-I-N, Lindauer,
40:22
Speaker 1: L-I-N-D-A-U-E-R on all socials. DM me, DM me the word
40:28
Speaker 1: infinite and say, yo, I gotta get this figured out.
40:32
Speaker 1: And let's get on a call and let's talk more
40:35
Speaker 1: about what you can do to absolutely change your life.