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Mojo Monday - 3 Realities of Life: Pain, Uncertainty and Hard Work · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hey, everybody, it's Carlie Taylor here for this week's Mojo Monday.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: So Paul is still working hard on his PhD. And well,
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: we haven't had a drop in listeners since I started
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: during these episodes solo. So I probably shouldn't sound so
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: surprised at that, should I. But you know, that's where
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: my mind went to when I first started, was like,
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: oh my god, maybe nobody's going to listen, but thank
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: you you have still listened, and I really am grateful
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: for that. I really love the opportunity to pass on
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: what I see as life skills to help you move
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: towards living a rich and meaningful life. And nothing that
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: I talk about I don't apply to myself, and I
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: guess that's why I'm so passionate about what I do
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: and also doing these Mojo Mondays. So today's topic is
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: no ex and I am really excited to chat about it.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: So let's get into it. So there are unavoidable realities
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  Speaker 1: of life, and if we don't accept these realities, we
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  Speaker 1: are going to continue to struggle. So Phil Stutz, who's
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: psychiatrist and author of the book The Tools, he articulates
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  Speaker 1: this perfectly with what he describes as three unavoidable realities,
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  Speaker 1: and they are pain, uncertainty, and the need for constant
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: hard work. And what I love about these truths is
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: that they really emphasize action the need for constant hard work.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: So when we are challenged, whether in big or small ways,
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  Speaker 1: we need to learn to accept the inevitable pain and
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: uncertainty and then take action. Trying to avoid the pain
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  Speaker 1: is nearly impossible and usually short term strategy. We spend
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: so much of our time and energy trying to avoid
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: or get rid of the pain, and it only ends
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: up with frustration and the pain usually returns. And when
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about pain, what I'm referring to is those difficult,
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: painful emotions and those unwonted thoughts that often come up
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: when we're challenged. So telling yourself that life shouldn't be
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: this hard is really a futile argument, and it can
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: be a barrier to enjoying our lives because it means
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: we have this narrow perspective of life. So we need
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: to accept that life is challenging. So when we are
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: faced with difficulties, we don't go onto autopilot and let
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: our emotions and thoughts drag us down in a spiral.
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  Speaker 1: So I'll read you a quote from Phil Stadt's book
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  Speaker 1: and a different book called Lessons for Living. Our culture
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  Speaker 1: denies the nature of reality. It holds out a promise
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: that you can live in an ideal world where things
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  Speaker 1: come easily, a world in which unpleasant experiences can be avoided,
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: where there is never a lack of immediate gratification. Worse,
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  Speaker 1: it suggests that if you do not live in this world,
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  Speaker 1: something is wrong with you. The ideal world is a
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  Speaker 1: realm of illusion. No matter how promising this world seems,
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  Speaker 1: it does not exist. End of quote. So how we
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: respond to our stress? How we respond to these challenges,
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  Speaker 1: whether it's someone cutting us off in traffic, or our
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: kids pressing our buttons, or financial stress or workloads, or
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: relationship issues. The list of stresses could go on and
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: on and on. It's not what happens to us that
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: causes the stress, but it's how we respond to the
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: automatic internal responses that we have. So I'll just repeat
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  Speaker 1: that it's not what happens to us that causes the stress,
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  Speaker 1: but it's how we respond to those automatic internal emotions
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  Speaker 1: and thoughts that pop up. When we learn to accept
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  Speaker 1: this fact of life, new possibilities all of a sudden
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  Speaker 1: open up. Suddenly you have a choice in how you
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  Speaker 1: can respond, whereas previously you might not have even considered
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  Speaker 1: that you have a choice. And this is where the
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  Speaker 1: hard work comes in. You have to be willing to
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: step out of your comfort zone. Now, from my personal experience,
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  Speaker 1: I am more able to now recognize my automatic emotions
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  Speaker 1: and thoughts that just pop up in my head. I
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  Speaker 1: can't control them and respond to them mindfully. And of
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  Speaker 1: course I certainly don't always get this right and I
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  Speaker 1: don't always catch it, but I can. I can do
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: this more and more the more I do the work.
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  Speaker 1: And of course I don't like the pain of a
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  Speaker 1: lot of emotions bring and I used to try and
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  Speaker 1: get rid of them or thought something was wrong with
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  Speaker 1: me for feeling this way. But now, as hard as
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: it can be depending on the situation, I'm try and
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  Speaker 1: make room for this pain, and I can get curious
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  Speaker 1: about it. I use curiosity, so I might think, well,
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  Speaker 1: that's an interesting thought my mind just came up with.
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  Speaker 1: I can even talk to myself, so it's like one
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  Speaker 1: part of my mind is talking to the other, which
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  Speaker 1: I know sounds really weird, but the research shows that
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  Speaker 1: talking to yourself can really help because it puts things
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  Speaker 1: in perspective. And this happened to me just this morning.
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  Speaker 1: I thought popped into my head. Kira and my daughter
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: and Paul were having a conversation, and this thought came
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  Speaker 1: into my head for something that happened in the past,
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  Speaker 1: and I have this twinge of anxiety, and instead of
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: allowing that anxiety to take over, I was able to
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  Speaker 1: acknowledge it. I found it quite interesting. I was like
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  Speaker 1: curious about it, knew that it wasn't helpful at all,
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  Speaker 1: and so I just continually mindfully got on with whatever
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  Speaker 1: I was doing, and at that time just happened to
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: be tiding up the kitchen, which needed to be done.
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  Speaker 1: So the thought was kind of still there, lingering in
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  Speaker 1: the background that it did fade quickly because I wasn't
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  Speaker 1: able to put my I wasn't putting my attention onto it.
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  Speaker 1: I'm certainly not perfect, and I never will be, and
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  Speaker 1: neither will you. But if we can cultivate this attitude
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  Speaker 1: of acceptance towards the pain that life can bring us,
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  Speaker 1: the uncertainty, and teach this to our kids, we can
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  Speaker 1: really harness this sort of powerful part of ourselves. So
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  Speaker 1: how do we do this? So the first step is
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  Speaker 1: to recognize that you have control over where your attention goes.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: So attention is this incredible powerful. It influences whether or
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  Speaker 1: not we go down a spiral. And the more you
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  Speaker 1: focus on your pain, whether it's fear, anxiety, sadness, the
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  Speaker 1: more you try and get rid of it to feel
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  Speaker 1: better before you get on with life, the worse it
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  Speaker 1: can get, and then you end up putting life on hold.
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  Speaker 1: We don't need to feel better to live a full
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  Speaker 1: and meaningful life, so you don't need to wait to
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  Speaker 1: feel better to live well. And this is where the
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: hard work comes in. Make a choice not to not
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: to avoid uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, but to engage in
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  Speaker 1: activities that are important and purposeful to you. So, instead
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  Speaker 1: of giving your power to the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: by focusing on them and trying to get rid of them,
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  Speaker 1: switch your attention and therefore your power to what you do, behavior,
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: your actions. And this may mean coexisting with a bit
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: of discomfort or a lot of discomfort depending on what's happened.
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  Speaker 1: But what you were doing is you were doing this purposeful,
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  Speaker 1: constructive and meaningful action while coexisting with the discomfort while
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: it's there. And just like the weather, all feelings, all
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: emotions will pass. So to wrap things up, remember that
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  Speaker 1: life's challenges and discomforts are inevitable, but it's how we
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: respond to them that's what is within our control. So
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: embracing the reality of pain and uncertainty and hard work
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: and use these moments as opportunities to grow and act
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  Speaker 1: with purpose. So I encourage you or invite you to
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  Speaker 1: practice shifting your attention from your discomfort to your actions
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  Speaker 1: that align with what's important to you. So align with
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: your values and goal And these don't have to be
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: these sort of large, meaningful things. It could be you know,
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  Speaker 1: if having things in order is important to you, So
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: you may feel discomfort in whatever's going on, but maybe
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: you need to go and clean out a cupboard or
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: tidy up the house because order is a value of yours.
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  Speaker 1: You like having things clean and tidy. Or maybe you
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  Speaker 1: are working towards a goal, so working towards that putting
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: in the work, Or maybe you have a hobby that
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: you can put your attention on and by doing this
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  Speaker 1: you'll find that life becomes richer and more meaningful even
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  Speaker 1: when there's inevitable difficulties. So I hope you've got value
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  Speaker 1: from this episode. I have a wonderful week, and I
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: will see you next time.