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The Dead Man Comes With the House? · Questionable Detour

0:01
Expect the Detour. So I think here at Questionably
0:12
Detour with me, Alan, and Evan, I think one thing
0:15
that people often say about us is how flexible
0:17
we are. Right? Would y 'all agree that people
0:20
often come up to y 'all and say, man, they call
0:22
you man. You identify as a man. Man, you are
0:25
so flexible. Would y 'all say that's true? I'd
0:29
say so. Yeah, especially with Alan with his foot
0:31
behind his head right now. Yeah. It's actually
0:33
impressive. You were always saying how I bend
0:35
over backwards for others. Quite literally. People
0:39
are losing their home and there you are just
0:41
literally bending over backwards. And you're
0:43
like, is this helping? I'm a human pretzel. That's
0:47
also what you say. You just go up to a family
0:49
that maybe lost a loved one and you just start
0:52
bending. And you're like, I hope this helps.
0:57
Does this take your mind off of your deceased
0:59
family member? He's the most genuine gymnast
1:04
we've ever seen. You stick a leg behind your
1:06
head and you're like, tell me about your emotions.
1:10
And you're kind of a leotard. Oh, you're a leotard,
1:12
yeah. I'm the leotard, is that right? You're
1:15
kind of a leotard. I kind of missed that. Speak
1:18
to that a little more. Let's hear about that.
1:21
You're just uptight, personality -wise. You're
1:24
in the cracks. Physically flexible. Sure, sure.
1:29
Emotionally uptight. I have a lot of underlying
1:32
issues. And you're pretty stupid. And you're
1:38
on the spectrum. Most of which is a lack of intelligence.
1:45
And sort of after years of struggling with this,
1:48
I found out that there's really nothing you can
1:50
do about it. You can't get smarter. And it's
1:53
very interesting that you've chosen this path
1:56
of being a support system for these people in
2:00
need when you are so emotionally uptight. So
2:03
I thought you were going in maybe as a counselor,
2:07
as an emotional support system. You just bend
2:10
in weird ways and then you're like, why don't
2:13
you just get over it? Yeah. Yeah. I just, there
2:16
are so many old people in this world. Too many,
2:21
I would say. That's not coming from me. I think
2:24
there's an accurate amount of old people. Do
2:28
you have a spreadsheet that has a number on it?
2:32
But a lot of these old people, we call them old
2:36
timers here on the program, just old folks. A
2:39
lot of them, they might not have a grandkid.
2:41
And it's like, why is this person complaining
2:45
about their dead grandparent? when there's a
2:48
grandparent out there without a grandchild. I
2:50
mean, they should just meet and be a family.
2:54
Yeah, it's almost like that thing where when
2:56
you were young and you didn't eat your food and
2:59
your parents were like, somebody in Africa would
3:01
eat this food. You're like, why are you crying
3:04
over your dead grandparent? Somebody in Africa
3:07
could give you a grandparent. Somebody in Africa
3:09
could eat your dead grandparent. Yeah, yeah,
3:11
exactly. Exactly. Really? Are we on the right
3:16
track? Are we meeting? I think we're tracking
3:18
here. Yeah. On that track, you know, they should
3:20
really make a dating app for grandparents and
3:24
grandkids to meet. Well, ah! Back up. Well, not
3:28
like a date. No, I said dating app, but I mean
3:30
like similar to dating app. Like, do they have
3:35
one of those? Let me go ahead and announce that
3:37
the question we're going to do for our podcast
3:39
is not legally liable for anything Evan says.
3:44
So, okay, Evan, let's... You want to connect...
3:48
A meeting app. You want to connect old people
3:50
with young people. Yes, in a non -sexual way.
3:53
Okay, yes, okay. So like LinkedIn. LinkedIn,
3:56
but for grandparents and grandkids. Believe it
4:00
or not, we had a... We did have an original plan.
4:02
We had a reason. We had a reason, and then we
4:04
just got into it. We're talking about our flexibility.
4:08
Do you want to explain why we're being flexible
4:10
now, aside from me being an amateur contortionist
4:14
who helps grieving families? Helps is a strong
4:17
word, but yeah. We're flexible because Alan's
4:21
physically flexible. Evan and I are not physically
4:23
flexible. Stiff as a board. Stiff as a board.
4:26
Our studio is slowly being dismantled in front
4:29
of us. In fact, there are many workers right
4:31
now slowly dismantling it. You may hear a bad
4:38
drill going off in the background. It's running
4:41
out of batteries, I think. Is that Kermit the
4:42
Frog? Is it Kermit the Frog dismantling this?
4:45
I think the Muppets got a job moving all this
4:49
studio equipment out. Yeah, so, you know, we
4:52
just want to brag about how flexible we are that
4:54
no matter what happens, as long as we have a
4:57
mic, we're going to yell into the void. So it
5:00
doesn't matter. We could be doing it. In a studio,
5:04
we could be doing it in the ER, the emergency
5:07
room of a hospital. But we just wanted to take
5:10
a moment and brag about our flexibility. It's
5:13
unfortunate that we have to move on. I would
5:15
really love to dig more into Alan's trade of
5:18
being a flexible empath. But we do have to move
5:23
on because we can't be here all night. We could
5:25
be here all day discussing the ins and outs of
5:28
my hobbies. The ins and outs of Alan. And his
5:36
body. Just all the surface area he covers. The
5:43
amount of... Every nook and cranny. Every second
5:47
has a new angle. And you're just like, how did
5:50
that happen? But we have to move on. Thank goodness.
5:53
Now we need to talk about something that is completely
5:55
hypothetical. So let's do that. Welcome to Questable
6:00
Detour. Let's do a hypothetical. Dave, can I
6:02
pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical
6:05
question? I guess I want to apologize for asking
6:08
a hypothetical question. Well, that's a hypothetical
6:11
question. All right. They say that sleeping takes
6:14
up one third of your life. So a sizable portion.
6:17
Not that we don't mind sleeping on cardboard
6:20
or the trunk of somebody's car or quite literally
6:24
on somebody. We do enjoy sleeping on mattresses.
6:27
Yeah. Sometimes. Mattress shopping is classically
6:29
a large, it's a strenuous decision, right? There's
6:32
a lot of things you have to look at. Mattresses
6:34
aren't exactly inexpensive. Wondering, I want
6:37
to throw y 'all a hypothetical. Maybe y 'all
6:39
can kind of walk people through how y 'all go
6:41
mattress shopping. So, you know, how do y 'all
6:44
go about buying a new mattress? Well, like you
6:46
said, it's a big decision and you want to make
6:48
sure you're making the best decision for yourself.
6:50
So you want to take your shopping seriously and
6:53
practice how you play. So you want to go out
6:57
there and sleep the way that you're going to
6:59
sleep at home to make sure that it's exactly
7:00
what you're looking for. So that's exactly what
7:03
I do. I sleep the way I sleep at home. Start
7:05
naked, spread eagle, face down. Okay. But you
7:10
say start naked as if you end not naked. Stark.
7:15
Stark naked. Oh, Stark naked. Stark naked. I
7:17
thought you gradually put on more clothes in
7:19
your bed. Set an alarm every three hours. That's
7:25
not what I meant, but that would be funny. I'm
7:29
Stark naked, spread eagle, face down. Sure. When
7:33
I sleep. Whoa, I didn't hear the face down bar.
7:35
You're like face down. Face down. Having issues
7:37
breathing. Well, of course. You got to make sure
7:41
you get a breathable mattress so that. You know,
7:44
you don't pass out in the middle of the night.
7:47
Pass out more. It's not like you already have.
7:50
You're telling me that you go into a mattress
7:52
store. You have clothes on when you go in? Of
7:55
course I have. I'm a respectable human being.
7:57
Okay, sure. Professional, some would say. Professional.
8:01
I go in fully clothed, and it's just not one
8:04
of those things you can do with someone there,
8:06
obviously. You can't just strip down naked with
8:08
the store attendant. Of course not. Just sitting
8:10
there, sales associate sitting there right next
8:11
to you. That would be sexual assault. That would
8:13
be sexual assault, and one thing I don't do is
8:16
sexual assault. Amen. Murder, sure. Sexual assault,
8:20
not me. Yeah. Dog fighting. Yeah, sure. If it
8:23
has to. You know, if I have to, I will. But not
8:26
sexual assault. So I have to create a diversion.
8:28
And what do I do if not research before I go?
8:31
And that's research on the store and their local
8:33
distribution center. So I'm getting there. Sales
8:37
associate takes me through the different mattresses.
8:39
He says, here's one with cooling foam built into
8:42
the top. Here's one that is springs, has the
8:45
box spring built in. Are you slowly unbuttoning
8:48
clothes as you get closer and closer to your
8:50
tool? Well, I came in with full winter gear on,
8:54
multiple layers of clothes. So, of course, every
8:56
bed I walk by, I drop just an article of clothing
8:58
next to it just to show that I've been there.
9:00
Yeah. You forget easily. I forget easily. The
9:04
mattresses don't look alike. They're big rectangles.
9:06
You never know. Yeah. So as he shows me around,
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I see one that I want to try out. I'm like, this
9:11
could be a good one. Sales associate gets a phone
9:13
call. He has to take it. There's someone on the
9:16
other line that's his boss. He says there's been
9:18
a mattress emergency at the local distribution
9:21
center. You need to be down here right now. This
9:24
was an emergency that only the sales associate
9:27
was going to handle? Not even the manager, huh?
9:29
They were bringing in everybody. Oh, all hands
9:31
on deck. All hands on deck. Which is great for
9:34
you that they're bringing as many people into
9:36
the store as you derobe. Not into the store.
9:38
They're going out of the store. They're going
9:40
to the distribution center. Sure. Because there
9:44
have been let loose just an... Insane amount
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of bed bugs. Like more than you would think have
9:50
ever been in one place before. That's like a
9:52
mattress company's worst nightmare, right? It's
9:54
code red for sure. Exactly. How do they get there?
9:57
I don't mean to accuse you. I'll never say. Did
10:00
you release the bed bugs? Can neither confirm
10:02
nor deny these allegations. Is it convenient
10:05
that there was an emergency that happened when
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I was going to disrobe in a store? Where I didn't
10:13
want to sexually assault anyone. Yeah, it's convenient.
10:15
It's convenience causation. Not necessarily.
10:18
Exactly. Okay, so somehow these bed bugs got
10:21
released into the distribution center, which
10:24
is where the mass of the mattresses are. Everybody
10:26
leaves because apparently to solve a bed bug
10:30
situation, they need all hands on deck to...
10:32
They need as many fingers as they can to pick
10:34
those little bugs up. They're picking up the...
10:37
They're picking up the bedbugs individually.
10:40
Yeah, of course. How else do you pick up a bedbug?
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Just little pincer fingers. Just walking around
10:45
with tweezers. They thought that was the best
10:48
approach to alleviating this issue. Yeah. Okay.
10:52
Okay, so let's say that happens. They're going
10:54
to be gone for a while. Okay, so they do that.
10:57
Then what do you do? Oh, I get naked immediately.
11:01
Once that door shuts. I hear the bell ring of
11:04
the door, and I'm already naked. Now there's
11:08
nobody here to stick anything weird in my butt
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while I'm face down. You know, you don't have
11:15
to worry about that now. You don't have to worry
11:17
about that. You don't want to sexually assault
11:19
somebody, but you also don't want to be sexually
11:22
assaulted. Exactly. Thank you. That's a great
11:24
way to live your life. Always protect your butt.
11:29
No matter what the situation is, priority number
11:31
one is protect your butt. Well, if you're going
11:34
to sleep butt naked, spread eagle, upside down.
11:37
Yeah, face down, yeah. You want nobody to be
11:39
in the room because there's no way you're going
11:41
to be comfortable. It's a vulnerable position.
11:44
Somebody drops a pin in the wrong place and you're,
11:47
ugh, you know? You're finding out that you might
11:50
like something you didn't even know. I was going
11:52
to say, you're a friend. You might like it. Exactly.
11:54
Okay. So I understand. Honestly, I kind of get
11:58
it. I understand that. Thank you. I understand
11:59
that you want to protect your orifices. So they're
12:02
gone. You're naked. Spread eagle. Face down.
12:04
Yep. On the mattress. We also need to point out
12:07
that there are cameras still in this building.
12:10
I've been on camera before. Okay. Yeah. Sure.
12:14
Okay. Nothing new. So, of course, I give it the
12:16
good college try. I see if I like it. And by
12:22
that, I mean you do studying. You study. You
12:24
bring also lots of textbooks. Yeah, I study.
12:27
And right there, I just, my feet are kicking
12:30
in the air behind me and I'm face down just reading
12:34
about the mitosis of a cell. Yeah. And I'm like,
12:38
man, could I see myself doing this in my own
12:40
house? Could I see me being on this bed in my
12:42
own house? And this one, I don't like it. A little
12:45
too stiff. Yeah, never get it on the first try.
12:47
I like a little more forgiveness in my mattress.
12:49
A little more memory foam. I like to remember
12:51
where I've been. So you want the foam that if
12:54
you get up is still the contoured shapes of your
12:57
body. I want it to mold to my body. I want it
13:01
to feel like a hug. Which is unfortunate seeing
13:04
as you're face down. Yeah. Naked. Some small
13:09
contours granted, but some contours. But hey,
13:14
it looks like a... Ken doll just sat down flush
13:17
with the rest of it. Oh, I see what you're saying.
13:19
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, I need to
13:21
go check out the other mattress. I laid my clothing
13:24
articles beside. So I walk over there, but I
13:26
can't remember. I mean, sure. I put my clothing
13:28
articles down, but I put them down by like six
13:30
different. beds so i don't remember the exact
13:33
one i needed and i need help in this store now
13:35
but there's no store associate who do i call
13:37
other than the store associate yeah yeah yeah
13:39
to say hey i need your help i need to know more
13:42
about these mattresses he said i'm dealing with
13:44
the whole thing here there's bed bugs everywhere
13:46
he left me here that's on him okay and also he
13:49
can't imagine what happens doing in that store
13:53
There's no way he's like, this is obviously what
13:55
this guy's doing. He's probably just saying the
13:56
guys are sitting around waiting. He can't even
13:58
concentrate. He's dealing with his own version
14:00
of domestic terrorism right now. And so how does
14:04
that, so let's say you find the perfect mattress.
14:07
Let's say it's the Goldilocks and Three Bears
14:10
situation. You find one that's just perfect.
14:12
I mean, there's no sales associate to check you
14:14
out. I mean, with Bunny. Unfortunately, she'll
14:18
also check you out and your nude, kin -style
14:21
body. Do you just take the mattress? I like to
14:23
have my relationship with stores be built on
14:26
store credit. You say, put it on my tab. I say,
14:29
put it on my tab. I'll be back next week for
14:31
another. Oh. You buy a mattress a week? I'm a
14:37
regular there. That's what they call me. You
14:39
walk in and say, give me the use. Yeah. Give
14:43
me the use on a purchase that normally lasts
14:45
somebody 10 years. Exactly. That means they're
14:50
going through this bed bug thing, this terrorism
14:53
bed bug thing once a week. Every seven days.
14:55
Wow. At some point, they gotta go, every time
14:58
this guy comes in here, we get called about the
15:01
bed bug thing. Eventually, they gotta put two
15:03
and two together. Well, I mean, I gotta keep
15:04
getting these mattresses because I got so many
15:07
bed bugs in my house. Oh, okay. My mattresses
15:11
are ruined within a week. So I assume you're
15:13
the one planning the bed bugs in the warehouses.
15:16
Again, you cannot confirm nor deny. But does
15:18
my old mattress end up in the warehouse because
15:21
it needs to be returned? Sure. Some receipts
15:25
may say that. Okay. So are you like raising and
15:28
harvesting bedbugs? Inadvertently. Just for this
15:31
specific reason? Inadvertently. I wouldn't say
15:34
it's for a reason. Okay. It just is how I live
15:37
my life. He doesn't mean for the bedbugs to infest
15:40
the new mattress he just got. It just happens.
15:43
It just happens. He takes the now infested mattress
15:46
back to the distribution center. It infects everything
15:49
else, therefore creating. A self -sustaining
15:52
cycle. Really, this is well thought out. I mean,
15:56
thank you. The fact that you stumbled upon this.
15:59
I'm going broke. I'm hemorrhaging money. I'm
16:04
not totally sure you're buying the mattresses.
16:06
I'm not either. It sounds like it's just on credit.
16:08
It's true. My tab at the store is high, though.
16:12
I'm not even totally sure they know you're buying
16:13
these mattresses. At some point, I think you're
16:15
just stealing them. There's nobody there to check
16:16
you out or for you to say. Put it on the tab.
16:19
Well, I say put it on the tab, but there's nobody
16:21
there to actually put it on the tab. That's their
16:22
fault. I did notice that you are completely riddled
16:26
with bed bug bites. Oh, yeah. That makes sense
16:28
as you sleep naked with bed bug infested mattresses.
16:31
Face down, spread it. Yeah, spread it, yeah.
16:33
You should see my butt. I am sure at our next
16:38
Slumber Party. Hard pass. for me it's a soft
16:41
pass for obvious reasons uh yeah you don't have
16:45
to backtrack on that alan but uh i think that's
16:49
good i i i i did not realize how complex this
16:53
scheme was for you i think that's a great way
16:56
to buy a mattress all right alan it's time for
16:59
a new mattress big purchase a lot of research
17:02
that needs to go into it how do you go about
17:03
buying A mattress. A lot like Evan, I think my
17:08
journey does start at the store. A lot of people
17:10
this day and age will try and do their research
17:14
beforehand. Maybe try and figure out some mattress
17:19
stats online. But that's not for me, though.
17:23
I need to feel the mattress. I need to be in
17:27
the room with the mattress. To really understand
17:31
what that mattress can do for me. And what I'm
17:34
looking for. Not only something to sleep on.
17:36
Of course I'll be sleeping on it. But what about
17:38
in it? I think it's key for me to be able to
17:41
sleep inside of a mattress. And maybe build a
17:45
life there. You know? When things get too hard
17:48
out here in the real world. I like to go to another
17:51
place. A simpler place really. And that's going
17:55
to be the life I'll build inside of a mattress.
17:58
So to run away from life's hardships, you almost
18:02
take a rodent approach and you live inside of
18:06
a mattress. Burrow your way into stuffing. Do
18:11
you use your hands or is it all mouth? Well,
18:14
let me rephrase. Do you use your mouth to burrow
18:16
into the mattress? What I do is I enter the store
18:20
with a box cutter and I just... I slice open
18:25
one of those mattresses. With the salesman right
18:27
there watching? No, I've got the salesman sort
18:30
of on a wild goose chase so that he can leave
18:33
me alone with the mattress. And by a wild goose
18:36
chase, you literally walk in with a wild goose
18:38
and just let it free? Yes, I've got a flock of
18:41
geese that I've been raising at home just for
18:45
this occasion. They're all leashed together.
18:48
So they are... flying around, nothing but wings,
18:53
look like a biblically accurate angel. Are they
18:58
at least in a V formation? They started out in
19:01
a V formation. They started out that way, but
19:04
they have begun to just tangle amongst each other,
19:07
which is a problem for any good sales associate.
19:10
The chaos. It's just wings and eyes out there.
19:14
Nothing but wings and eyes. They don't know what
19:18
they're seeing. Is this... flock of birds or
19:20
is the lord coming back right now like what's
19:23
going on yeah yeah um so while they're distracted
19:27
with the series of geese um make my way over
19:31
there with the box cutter and just kind of slice
19:33
open uh top to bottom on the side of that mattress
19:36
it looks like you're dissecting a whale like
19:38
you go in there just like yeah just a big old
19:41
slit in the side of it yeah it's uh it's akin
19:44
to um luke in empire where he has to get stuck
19:50
inside the tauntaun yeah to warm himself yeah
19:52
yeah and so the guts you know aka stuffing you
19:56
know fall out of the air and i crawl in and just
19:59
sort of nestle yeah i i imagine the chaos as
20:03
alan walks in he releases a large number of geese
20:06
connected to each other And then as these poor
20:10
minimum wage workers are just trying to gather
20:14
these geese as best they can, they turn around.
20:17
There's a man dressed as Luke from Star Wars
20:20
just knifing their mattresses. They're screaming,
20:25
what is going on right now? Yeah. And I'm responding,
20:28
I'm cold. I need to take a nap. They turn around
20:33
and then it's just nothing but just my legs as
20:35
they see me crawling into that mattress. So you
20:39
say you do this to get an escape from life, right?
20:42
Yeah. So you're building a new life within the
20:45
springs, within the cushioning. Do you feel like
20:49
maybe you're avoiding certain things in life?
20:53
What are you trying to get away from? Wow, this
20:55
got deep. Good question, Evan. That is... It's
20:58
a hard question. A great question and a tough
21:00
one for me to answer, I think. Because he hasn't
21:02
obviously faced his issues. That's why he's continuing
21:04
to run. I'm constantly on the run. And it's just
21:08
general fear. You're afraid of like General Patton
21:12
and MacArthur and stuff like that. You're just
21:15
afraid of... I'm afraid of a lot of dead generals.
21:20
General fear. You have general fear. It started
21:25
off at like corporal fear. Yeah. Let me interject.
21:30
It started out as private fear. You were afraid
21:32
of some privates. That's where we all started.
21:36
Yes. Yes, indeed. Indeed. And it obviously worked
21:39
its way up the ranks. I'm afraid of general fear.
21:44
I've tried before to conquer that. Every night
21:48
I put on the 1976 movie Patton. and i i am i
21:55
have someone tie me to a chair i don't think
21:59
i've ever made it through because through that
22:01
movie because i bite my way through the manacles
22:03
that have shackled me to the chair at just out
22:07
of sheer fear yeah i don't i think it's i think
22:10
it's authority and just the military yeah structure
22:14
you don't want it had to do with structure authority
22:17
yeah So, I mean, if a guy walks around with some
22:21
military fatigues, maybe some medals pinned to
22:24
the chest, you're like, where's my nearest mattress?
22:27
You literally squirrel away. Like, scamper. Yeah.
22:32
I will say, while I am afraid of generals, it
22:37
doesn't translate to other... to the navy you
22:40
know um yeah not afraid of admirals i'm i see
22:43
them as partners so you're just not big on seaman
22:45
yeah i was about to say you're no he's he's okay
22:48
with seaman oh yeah you're right you're so you
22:50
like seaman he's okay with he's not afraid of
22:52
seaman he likes seaman okay he's okay with seaman
22:55
it's the it's the the generals so seaman's good
22:58
with you seaman's okay with him Really walked
23:04
into that one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they're fine.
23:12
I think that's good. We'll help you get over
23:15
your general fear. Get Evan to dress up as like
23:17
a 1970s communist dictator with all the medals
23:21
and sashes. Yeah. Salute at me. Yeah. Have people
23:26
salute at me and he'll be running in fear over
23:29
there. We'll get like a big picture of him to
23:30
put up on a wall and you have to do stuff to
23:32
it. He'll have to like salute it and stuff like
23:35
that. Let's rephrase. I'm sorry. I spoke too
23:38
quickly. But whatever they do to those big pictures.
23:41
So here's how I mattress shop. Like y 'all, I
23:44
want to test out what I'm going to buy. And really
23:46
sleeping is, generally speaking, sleeping really
23:49
isn't a... physically demanding task, right?
23:54
Like you're just laying down. I mean, for some,
23:56
maybe Evan, he's writhing and turning. It looks
23:59
like he's going through an exorcism, sweating.
24:01
It's gross. But for most people, it's not a very
24:04
physically intense activity. I want to know if
24:08
this mattress can hold up. to the most physical
24:11
demanding activities. Now, I know what you're
24:13
thinking. Let me get ahead of you. It's not that.
24:14
Do you remember the song, The Three Little Monkeys
24:17
Jumping on the Bed? No, can you sing it for us?
24:20
Yeah, what's the first couple bars? Three little
24:21
monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and
24:24
bumped his head. The mama called the doctor and
24:28
the doctor says, no more monkeys jumping on the
24:31
bed. What happened to the other two monkeys?
24:32
Why are there three monkeys if only one of them's...
24:36
Was one of the three monkeys the mom? That's
24:39
a good question. Anyway, go ahead. Sorry. But
24:42
the rest of the song then goes, two little monkeys
24:44
jumping on a bed. One fell off, bumped his head.
24:47
Mama called the doctor. Doctor said, no more
24:48
monkeys jumping on the bed. One monkey jumping
24:50
on the bed. Yes, they slowly die off. Evolution
24:53
takes its process. A lot of CTE in that family.
24:56
Not great parenting. No, really. Not watching
24:59
our kids. The mom monkey just keeps calling the
25:02
doctor instead of stopping the kids. I don't
25:04
know. This isn't a parenting podcast. Sounds
25:05
like we have an absentee dad situation. If there
25:09
was a little bit more discipline in the home,
25:11
I think the monkeys wouldn't be jumping on the
25:14
bed. There'd be one more fewer healthcare claim.
25:16
That's for sure. I'm glad we got to the bottom
25:18
of that. The point is, I want to test if monkeys
25:22
can actually be jumping on the bed. This is a
25:25
science experiment for me. So I bring in a trove
25:28
of chimpanzees. And I have them, obviously, if
25:32
context proves itself, be jumping on the bed.
25:34
So chaos is ensuing as these monkeys are jumping
25:38
around and falling off the bed. Is it more than
25:41
just the required three monkeys? No, it can be
25:43
as many. Yeah, it can be as many. I just, for
25:45
that example, I didn't want to keep counting
25:46
down from three. I felt three monkeys for the
25:49
example. was enough sure sure that's that's fine
25:52
we only have so much air time here i don't feel
25:55
like starting at like 100 monkeys um no i bring
25:59
a trove of monkeys i don't know if you know you
26:02
like a flock of geese a herd of cattle a trove
26:05
of chimpanzees is that what they're called no
26:07
but for this science experiment it is a trove
26:11
of monkeys and generally speaking a trove of
26:13
monkeys is about 25 to 30 monkeys So these monkeys
26:17
are jumping around, causing chaos, and inevitably,
26:20
some do get hurt. Of course. As the song prophesied.
26:24
Now, I am the mother monkey. I am dressed in
26:27
a milkmaid's dress. Good. Looking... Cute. looking
26:36
like a little farmer girl. I'm looking, I have
26:39
my heels on. I'm concerned that my monkeys are
26:42
falling off the bed, getting traumatic brain
26:45
injuries. So I called the doctor and the doctor
26:48
didn't say no more monkeys on the bed. The doctor
26:50
said, I'm going to have to do emergency surgery
26:52
on location. Oh, whoa. That's what I said. I
26:57
was like, whoa. That seems a little bit extreme.
27:01
That wasn't in the instructions. And that's weird.
27:04
That's not how the song goes. Yes, he's going
27:06
to do emergency surgery on these chimpanzees
27:10
inside the mattress store. He can't be qualified
27:12
for that. He's not qualified for it. I'm not
27:15
qualified to be a chimpanzee mom. I'm qualified
27:18
to wear a milkmaid dress, though. Yes, you are.
27:23
You both got your qualifications from University
27:25
of Phoenix Online, I think. Yeah, the doctor
27:30
shows up. 1920s style doctor equipment. He's
27:34
got his like dumb duffel bag. He's got like the,
27:39
what do you call that? Reflective saucer that
27:41
sits on your forehead. And he straps these monkeys
27:44
down to the bed because they're going through
27:46
surgery. They have a traumatic brain injury,
27:48
but they're not unconscious. He starts doing
27:51
surgery on them. to really help these monkeys
27:53
regain what they had before. Which was? The ability
27:58
to jump on beds. Okay. That are now covered in
28:00
blood from the surgery? Yeah, there's a lot of
28:03
blood. Again, this is almost like a Civil War
28:05
doctor scene, right? It's very crude, not a lot
28:11
of science expertise in this. He sees that they
28:15
have a brain injury. He's like, we need to amputate
28:18
the leg. He brings leeches. He's like, the issue
28:24
is the blood. The issue is always the blood for
28:26
these old school doctors. He does the surgery.
28:28
I, with my milkmaid dress on, also then put on
28:32
some scrubs. I am the nurse in this situation.
28:35
I don't think I saw that coming. He's like, pass
28:37
me the manual hand drill. And I pass him the
28:40
manual hand drill. He just starts drilling. Got
28:41
to get to the brain. Got to lobotomize these
28:44
monkeys. That way they don't remember the traumatic
28:49
experience of falling off the bed and then getting
28:51
emergency surgery on the very bed that they jumped
28:53
off of. Is it possible that this doctor is just
28:56
trying to prevent a Planet of the Apes scenario?
29:00
Thinking if he lobotomizes all of these monkeys,
29:03
there's no way they're taking us over. He has
29:06
often in mid -surgery said, this will do it.
29:11
This one's name isn't Caesar, is it? You're there
29:15
to buy a mattress. How is the chimpanzees jumping
29:19
on the mattresses helping you find your perfect
29:21
mattress? Well, if the mattress holds up to the
29:23
stress of the trove of chimpanzees. Basic evolution.
29:30
Survival of the fittest. Survival of the fittest.
29:32
Same thing you do with the monkeys. Survival
29:34
of the fittest. Yeah, survival of the fittest.
29:36
Charles Darwin is there. Breeding some turtles.
29:41
Yes, he's there just breeding some turtles. It's
29:44
chaos. There's turtles banging in the back, chimpanzees
29:50
getting surgery done, jumping. Other chimpanzees
29:53
jumping on the other beds. I'm holding up a shop
29:55
employee with a sawed -off shotgun. And there's
29:59
someone that's been dead for 200 years or whatever.
30:02
Yeah, he's out back there taking notes. Rolling
30:06
in his grave. Have you ever considered using
30:09
any other types of animals? I mean, I know...
30:12
Your vibe is based off of the nursery rhyme,
30:15
but surely there's other nursery rhymes you might
30:19
choose to adapt to this scenario. Sure. Do you
30:23
have an example? Three blind mice. Okay. Oh,
30:27
yeah. Just some mice that you've gouged out the
30:29
eyes and just released them. What if you were
30:32
a pied piper and instead had like thousands of
30:36
mice? Okay. Could they still be blind? I really
30:39
like the blind part. If that's an aspect that
30:42
really speaks to you, yes, they can be blind.
30:44
But if you're a pied piper and you have thousands
30:46
of mice, they could form together and make like
30:49
a human and then a human figure, if you will,
30:52
and then test out the beds for you. That's very
30:54
true. Good point. Okay, now... We're getting
30:57
somewhere. Exactly. I like this. So are the mice
31:00
blind? They can be blind. I want to keep that
31:04
aspect. But here's the thing. They can make a
31:06
human shape that has a walking stick. The cane?
31:09
The mice are the walking stick, and it can guide
31:13
them to their bed. Do I sleep with the mice?
31:17
Because I made this human -mice hybrid thing.
31:21
You're going to be banging the mice. And that's
31:23
just my product. That's just, hey, it's an unfortunate
31:28
side effect. There is no other way around this.
31:31
Charles Darwin's freaking out. He's like, this
31:33
is not how it's supposed to go. You're missing
31:35
some steps. Okay, I'm going to nix that one just
31:42
because I don't want to bang a mice person. Okay.
31:47
I didn't realize we're walking into one of Evan's
31:50
fetishes. Took a strange turn. It's inhuman form.
31:56
You gotta do something with it. It's not weird
31:59
because it's inhuman form. I'm sure. You don't
32:03
know what's under people's skin before you sleep
32:06
with them. It could be a bunch of mice. It could
32:10
be a bunch of mice. Do you check? Well, I try.
32:15
You're like, are you? Do you have mice in there?
32:19
You're not a thousand mice pretending to be human,
32:22
are you? Do you ever look for a zipper on somebody's
32:25
skin? Yeah. Thinking that if you unzip it, the
32:28
mice might all be in there. Yeah, you notice
32:30
they eat just a little too much cheese. Alan
32:33
took a very mouse -like approach to finding his
32:38
mattress. When's the last time you checked? You
32:42
son of a gun. Alana. How do you feel about cheese?
32:47
I eat it. Doesn't everybody eat cheese? Yeah,
32:50
but like if I were to put cheese. You got cheese?
32:55
I might have a little cheese for you. If you
32:59
were to describe. the perfect colby jack yeah
33:03
no okay let's talk about cheese if i mean if
33:06
i had to rank them that yeah colby jack for sure
33:09
okay number one and number two probably sharp
33:11
cheddar now do you call when you go to sleep
33:14
at night or three probably pepper jack do you
33:18
call where you sleep bedding or your nest i mean
33:23
i do call it a nest your little nest you snuggle
33:25
up in yeah i say when i when i get in there i
33:28
say let's get nasty Time to get nasty. Do you
33:34
breed at a rapid rate? Hundreds of generations
33:40
can occur within a couple years. Do I appreciate
33:44
a lineage? Yes. Yes, I do. Do I appreciate generations
33:49
upon generations of hardworking, cheese -loving
33:54
creatures? Yes, I do. And that's why... Here
33:58
at Ancestry .com, we love to get you in touch
34:02
with your ancestors. Your ancestors might be
34:06
a year old, but that's four generations. That's
34:10
just mice for you, you know? Oh, okay. Well,
34:13
you just admitted it. We're out. I guess that's
34:18
over. Yeah, that's how I shop for mattresses.
34:22
I don't know how we got here. But that's it.
34:25
That's it. I was shopping for mattresses. So
34:27
next time anybody out there, our listeners, our
34:29
Saturday workers are shopping for their new mattress,
34:32
here are three great ways to kind of go about
34:34
that. Really test out which one kind of works
34:37
for your life the best. On this episode of House
34:39
Hunters, Alan Foreclosure is helping longtime,
34:42
really, really, really, really, really close
34:45
friends. Zach and Evan find the perfect place
34:48
to start their next chapter. They're ready for
34:50
fresh starts. but finding a home that works for
34:53
two grown men with different wants, needs, and
34:56
ideas of what makes a house a home could prove
34:58
challenging. Can Allen Foreclosure find a property
35:01
they can both agree on? Or will their dream home
35:04
remain just out of reach? Find out on this episode
35:07
of House Hunters. Good evening and welcome to
35:19
House Hunters. I'd like to thank everybody for
35:21
tuning in on this Tuesday night. You could be
35:24
doing quite a bit. You could be watching CSI
35:27
Miami reruns or House Hunters. That's really
35:31
the only two things on. So thank you for picking
35:33
this program. Tonight I'm here with Evan and
35:38
Zach to... Friends. Good friends. Really good
35:42
friends. Good friends. Really good friends. Here
35:45
at HGTV, we love good friends. You can tell by
35:48
our many programs are hosted by good friends.
35:52
Well, I'm Zach. That's good to know. So is it
35:57
an AA meeting? I have social issues, and that's
36:02
why I just randomly announced my name. Thank
36:04
you for having us on HGTV. My job is I gather
36:08
cat fur, and I make children's dolls out of it.
36:13
And I'm Evan. I sell toasters to hamsters. I'm
36:18
nervous to ask, what's the budget look like for
36:20
you two? 600 ,000. I would say 650 ,000. Evan
36:25
in this good friendship is a little more frugal
36:28
than I am, but I think we can push 650 ,000.
36:32
Wow. Okay. Well, I guess the hamster toaster
36:36
market and the doll from cat hair market is better
36:42
than I suspected. Tell me a little bit about
36:44
what you guys are looking for. I like a good
36:46
open air concept. Sands roof. I can do the no
36:51
roof thing. I can compromise on that if there's
36:54
at least an old gentleman that we can lease a
36:57
room from, just to kind of make up for the loss
37:00
of funds for this house. Okay, so I'm hearing
37:04
really open concept, but also... Open to maybe
37:08
a rental situation. You're looking to make some
37:11
money on the side. That's good. Love an entrepreneur.
37:15
Yeah. Can we also have in the living room area,
37:17
is there a way to maybe have a large pit in it?
37:21
I don't see why not. What would you use the pit
37:23
for? That's a personal question. Is that a normal
37:29
question for a realtor to ask? I like to be really
37:32
involved with my clients. We're not looking for
37:37
somebody else really involved in this good friendship.
37:39
Okay. Two's company, three's a crowd. I get it.
37:44
I get it. Because the old man that you're obviously
37:47
going to get us. That's very true. And while
37:50
we're still making requests, can we get a room
37:53
with enough space to have a shrine to all of
37:57
his cat hair dolls? Yes. I would like to hang
37:59
them up on the wall via rope. Okay. No further
38:05
questions. I would like one light placed at the
38:08
very back beaming at you where you see all the
38:11
dolls hanging in silhouette. Okay, so an accent
38:14
wall. I'm loving what I'm hearing. This is a
38:18
great design choice. Could you put a bed in there?
38:21
Sure. What size? Small. Do beds operate in shirt
38:27
sizes? 32 tall. Well, first off, are there any
38:33
other requests? No, I think Zach's already made
38:37
you a laundry list over there. Okay. I didn't
38:40
make a laundry list, Evan. I just said we've
38:42
talked about this. We've agreed on the pit and
38:46
the old man and the roofless house and the doll
38:49
room. Okay. The hanging doll room. Just feel
38:52
like you're making him do a lot of work for your
38:55
hanging doll room here. Realtors don't normally
38:57
furnish a bed. You know, Evan, thanks for bringing
39:02
that up. What, are you taking his side now? A
39:05
little bit. You're supposed to be taking my side,
39:07
Evan. I'm here to make that commish, so I will
39:10
do absolutely anything for you. I'll find that
39:15
bed. I'll find that strange, roofless building,
39:17
because I'm dedicated to my craft. Okay. Alan,
39:22
can you give us a second? Our good friendship
39:24
is on the rocks. Yeah, I mean, take all the time
39:27
you need. Evan. Yeah, let's step up here. Evan,
39:30
we're already stepped up here. Evan, you need
39:33
to respect me. There's nobody in this world I
39:39
respect less than you. If you're not showing
39:41
me enough respect in front of our new friend,
39:45
Alan, foreclosure over here. He's not our friend.
39:47
He's our realtor. I can always be a friend. Okay.
39:50
He's still here. Will you step back over there?
39:55
He really wants to be involved. Yeah, he wants
39:57
to be involved. I have a condition where I walk
39:59
up to people quietly. I can't help it. It's really
40:03
light on its feet. Yeah, weirdly light. But I
40:07
just need you to respect me, okay? I don't feel
40:08
like we're connecting. Okay, fine, fine. If it'll
40:12
get me out of this conversation, I'll respect
40:13
you, whatever. Okay, give me a hug. I'm not going
40:16
to touch you. Embrace me. Mr. Foreclosure is
40:25
watching. We're good friends. He's going to catch
40:29
on. Okay, Alan. We worked out that little good
40:35
friendship tiff. Take us to the house. Let's
40:39
see what you've come up with. I found a perfect
40:43
place. This place is back in ye olde London town.
40:48
That's kind of a far commute from our work. It
40:52
had everything that you needed. This building
40:54
was partially destroyed in the air raids during
40:59
World War II. So it has that no roof that your
41:03
business partner friend was looking for. Huge
41:10
open concept. It was a former factory. Wow. And
41:14
so a lot of wall space. I love the draft in here.
41:18
Yeah, I can hear the wind blowing through the
41:21
windowless windows. Yeah, yeah. You can hang
41:24
the dolls on all these large walls. And as a
41:27
result of this building just being shelled, there
41:31
is a massive pit in the floor. Ah! And that was
41:35
one of the qualifications I think you guys were
41:37
looking for. That's beautiful. I think that's
41:39
great. We're checking a lot of boxes here. It's
41:41
in the kitchen, but I think I can overlook that.
41:44
I realized that was a tough ask to find a pitch
41:45
specifically in the living room. I think as long
41:49
as you have my doll room, I think I can get over
41:52
that. And the old man. The old man was tough
41:55
to find, but something I always do for my clients
41:58
is I always go above and beyond. I found the
42:02
old man. The old man is dead, though. Oh. Ooh.
42:06
I'm okay with that. Could his estate still pay
42:08
out the rent? I think that's something we can
42:11
work out. He died recently, so the family is
42:15
looking for a place to bury him. Oh, I thought
42:17
we were going to be able to Ferris Bueller him
42:18
and get the money out of his family. Hmm. This
42:22
is why Evan's a good friend of mine. We can get
42:24
Bernie's. I was going to say, what? We can get
42:27
Bernie's him. He doesn't know a lot about movies.
42:30
Um, no, what the family, the family is just looking
42:32
for a, uh, a place to final resting place for
42:36
their, they just call him their old man. Um,
42:38
which is weirdly what you guys were going to
42:40
call him. Yeah. So. they are willing to pay you
42:44
as long as he can be buried at this new home
42:47
of yours. So you're making the money that you
42:50
want to make, bringing in that extra income.
42:54
I think this is a win -win situation for you
42:56
guys. I kind of wanted the old man to be alive,
42:59
but I realized I wasn't specific when I asked
43:01
that. You kind of became this trickster genie
43:04
thing where you answered the question and I wasn't
43:06
as specific with the wish. But I guess you checked
43:10
off the box. I have that to blame. I mean, we
43:14
get the old man, though. We get the money. We
43:17
get a body in our house. But we do lose the companionship
43:25
of him being dead. Let me ask you this. Do we
43:27
lose the companionship? Are we allowed to exhume
43:30
the body whenever needed? Not even needed, just
43:33
wanted. You know, the family wasn't specific.
43:36
I think that... Stop there. You are a master
43:41
at loopholes. With this being an old factory,
43:44
there's chains and winches around, I think, why
43:48
don't we just wrap some chains around this coffin
43:51
and we'll just put him in the pit and when you
43:54
need to exhume him, just get those winches started
43:56
up. Have that body just pulled out limp from
43:59
the coffin. He'll be like a puppet and the two
44:06
of you, his... Puppeteers. Yeah, and then we
44:09
can do whatever. Well, now... And we can do whatever?
44:18
I would say... And we can do whatever. I'm going
44:22
to say, on behalf of HGTV, the network, you can't
44:26
do whatever. You can... The only thing you're
44:30
legally allowed to... That we will legally allow
44:32
you to do is to say that you're hanging out.
44:35
But if you're not here. Yeah, I mean, once this
44:37
house is sold to us, we're not involved with
44:41
this anymore. We can do whatever. Once I get
44:44
my commish, I'm out of here. Okay. You can do...
44:48
Say it. The house is yours. Say it. Say we can
44:53
do whatever. Say it. Alan, we need your blessing.
44:58
Say we can do whatever to the man chained. To
45:06
the limp corpse. Alright, let's move past it.
45:12
Let's move past it. I feel like it's best not
45:15
to get as much on record. Alright, okay. I think
45:19
I can live with the dead guy. I was hoping for
45:21
a live guy. I wasn't specific. You have the pit.
45:24
You have the roofless house. And you're still
45:26
not gonna elaborate on the pit. We can do whatever
45:31
with the pit. Can we do whatever with the pit?
45:35
Sure. Okay. Okay. Cool. Cool. Thank God. All
45:41
right. I've noticed the bathrooms. We're in the
45:45
bathroom right now. That's why I'm noticing them
45:47
because we are in it. Yeah. I'm not some like
45:51
seance that just is noticing bathrooms. They're
45:54
speaking to you. Well, you have the ability.
45:56
You're just not doing it now. Right. Yeah. Right.
45:58
I'm talking to the old man. He says we can do
46:00
whatever, but we're in the bathroom. And I'm
46:04
noticing... What are you noticing? I am noticing
46:07
the toilets. Evan, do you see these toilets?
46:10
I do see them. They're double -decker toilets.
46:13
Oh, when in London. Okay, that's not the same.
46:16
Nor is it for this situation. I appreciate that
46:21
there are two toilets in here because that makes
46:22
going easy. Evan and I are both highly lactose
46:26
intolerant and we drink a ton of milk. And I'm
46:29
already an upper -decker man. So this will make
46:32
it a little easier to actually not have to clean
46:35
it out. So he's going to climb on top in the
46:38
top bunk toilet. I will take the bottom bunk
46:41
toilet. And I'll dangle my feet down there for
46:44
him. So is he always on top? He's always on top.
46:47
He's a top, which is great. In our good friendship.
46:50
In our good friendship. He will go to the top
46:55
toilet. Use it there. I will use it down below.
46:58
I think I was just observing it. I don't know
47:02
if I had a question tied to it. This is just
47:04
interesting. I've never seen a bathroom constructed
47:07
like this. Well, based on being here in London,
47:11
we styled this toilet specifically after the
47:14
double -decker buses. That's why it's painted
47:15
red and has little windows painted on the sides
47:19
of the toilet. That would explain the bus driver
47:21
in here. And the profuse amount of CO2. Yeah.
47:25
I feel like I'm going to pass out any moment
47:27
now. I'm very lightheaded in here. Yeah. We should
47:30
probably go to another room. Probably. It's interesting
47:32
that there's no roof, but there's so much CO2.
47:35
It's so much, yeah. It's just circulating. The
47:38
draft is keeping it down. The low pressure situation.
47:43
It's keeping it trapped. All right. Let's go
47:46
to another room. I think the doll room is over
47:51
there. Oh, I do want to see the doll room. I
47:53
actually forgot about the doll room. That's true,
47:54
yeah. It's the most important room for me. So,
47:57
okay, this is the doll room. Is this your home
47:59
office? Because the doll is your trade, really.
48:03
The cat hair dolls. Right, it's my trade. This
48:06
is where I call to the spirits. More of a religious
48:11
room. Spiritual room, if you will. It's a religious
48:16
room. I like it. It does have a roof, which really
48:19
helps me keep it dark. The one room that has
48:23
a roof in here. Yes. And that's so God can't
48:26
see. So I'll put the light toward the back of
48:30
the room. This is a very long room. Rectangle
48:33
room. I'll put the light to the back of the room.
48:35
It's good that there are meat hooks in here.
48:37
That makes it convenient for me hanging the dolls.
48:40
Every good dilapidated factory has chains and
48:43
meat hooks. Yeah. So that's where I hang my crafted
48:46
dolls. And that way, if anybody walks in here,
48:49
it's just some crafted hanging dolls silhouetted
48:51
against the light with clanking chains around.
48:54
So I think this is quite literally perfect. I
48:57
mean, you really nailed this one. I will use
48:59
this room. Is there a room you want to see? My
49:03
good friend Evan, are you sold on what we've
49:05
seen thus far? I mean, this is really all we've
49:08
asked for so far. Yeah, this is what we asked
49:09
for, but I did notice there was a room over here
49:12
that we passed by. I didn't really get a good
49:14
look in it. I don't know if you guys want to
49:16
head back that way. Now it's a mystery. Now I
49:19
think I have to see it. I think we should be
49:20
thorough, you know? I want you guys to know exactly
49:23
what it is you're purchasing. All right, well,
49:25
let's swing on in here. That's interesting. There's
49:28
just a lot of hyenas. Oh. Just laughing. Okay,
49:33
and they're alive. That's good. Uh -huh. Well,
49:35
yeah. Of course they're alive. What are they,
49:37
like, a baker's dozen hyenas in here? At least.
49:41
There's 13 hyenas? That's something that I thought
49:43
was... And I'm honestly so embarrassed that you
49:46
guys walked into this room. I intentionally avoided
49:49
this room. But your partner friend's keen eyes.
49:52
Good friend. Good friend. His keen eyes spotted
49:56
it. This was a kind of a holding area for a local
50:00
circus that travels with hyenas. They. It's not
50:04
a good circus. Yeah, they weren't very versatile
50:06
with their animal choices. Well, they couldn't
50:09
get a hold of any good lions, so they used these
50:12
hyenas and they paint them as lions. So right
50:16
now they're off tour, so they needed a place
50:18
to store the hyenas. So they've just been hanging
50:22
out. And we're contractually obligated to keep
50:25
them here. We can't move them out. Or did they
50:27
come with the house? Yes, they do come with the
50:30
house. And this is one of those great opportunities
50:32
that you guys mentioned about some rental opportunities.
50:36
The circus is willing to pay a substantial amount
50:39
of money. The circus isn't doing well. The circus
50:42
is not doing well. They are willing to pay nickels
50:44
and dimes to store the hyenas here. Okay. And
50:49
one of the great things about this is if they
50:51
default on their rental payment, those hyenas
50:54
are legally yours. Oh, okay. That just seems
50:58
like a lot of responsibility to take on, but
50:59
I mean, I guess that's good. Let me ask you this.
51:01
Have you ever been to a good friend's house?
51:04
I've been to Evan's house. He's a good friend.
51:07
You guys don't currently live together? We, you
51:10
know, have a lot of slumber parties. Oh. We hang
51:12
out. Okay. Wildly confused. I think it's good.
51:16
I like the ambiance that our house gives. I'm
51:19
just kind of imagining we invite a guest over.
51:21
It's two good friends. Yeah. Meeting them at
51:24
the door. They walk in. A dead old man. Yeah.
51:27
Hanging from the chains from the rafters. We've
51:30
done whatever to him. In the background of this
51:39
moonlit, ruthless house. Hyenas are just laughing.
51:43
A cackle of hyenas. Laughing in the background.
51:47
I show them to my office. Obviously, I have gone
51:52
into detail what I want that to look like. And
51:54
what are they doing in that office? Who, the
51:56
dolls? The people. No, the people as you bring
51:59
your guests in. We are touching foreheads and
52:01
humming. As you do. As one does with a guest.
52:06
Trying to put your souls into the body of the
52:08
dolls. Got it. Got it. Yeah, we're trying to,
52:14
we're trying to reanimate these dolls. Foreheads
52:16
on forehead on each other's foreheads. We hum,
52:19
rub nipples with the dolls and each other. Maybe,
52:22
I don't know. Can we see how the night goes?
52:24
We transfer our spirits into the dolls. We walk
52:27
out. a little bit lighter and then we and then
52:30
we um and the process goes on etc we don't want
52:35
to bore you with the details i don't want to
52:38
be complicit with this uh whatever whatever's
52:40
happening here but just i i love the atmosphere
52:43
is the point i love the vibe that this house
52:45
is going to give so i'm for it i'm how much was
52:47
the house you know We gave you a budget. It hits
52:50
all our boxes except the commute. The commute
52:53
as long as we live in Kansas City, Missouri.
52:58
That is tough. There's not a direct, unfortunately.
53:02
A direct what? A direct flight. Okay, okay. Is
53:05
there a direct ship? you know takes about two
53:09
weeks okay so what i would say is it seems like
53:14
you guys are maybe more committed to each other
53:16
than you are your jobs that's very sweet of you
53:18
to say so I would say you could probably both
53:21
do your jobs in London. I wish Evan would say
53:24
that. Let me take a side note. I wish Evan would
53:26
say that to me. It's nice hearing you say it.
53:28
It's very sweet. I wish Evan would say that to
53:29
me. I think a couple of good friends should just
53:32
pack up and relocate. You know? I mean, this
53:35
place is a bargain. I think we're going to have
53:38
to. It is a bargain. Okay. Because you haven't
53:40
quite told us the listing price quite yet. Basically,
53:43
what you're doing is the British government is
53:46
actually going to pay you to... to revitalize
53:49
this area of the community. We will revitalize
53:53
it for sure. And when we revitalize the town,
53:56
can we do whatever to the town? Can we do whatever
53:59
in the town? We've become the town leader. Sounds
54:04
like a really ambiguous Doctor Who episode. Good.
54:09
I think that's great. Yeah. I think I can definitely
54:13
do whatever I said my job was here. I don't know
54:18
that I remember what your job was. Oh, you were
54:21
making toasters for hamsters. Oh, yeah, I was
54:24
selling hamsters toasters. Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
54:25
toasters for hamsters. That's right. I was not
54:27
selling hamsters to toasters. I was selling toasters
54:28
for hamsters. But sometimes you do get that mixed
54:32
up. Yeah, you know. You're trying to do a sales
54:34
pitch to a toaster. You're just one man. The
54:36
lines get blurred, yeah. No, I think it's good.
54:40
I'm ready to sign the papers in blood. It's not
54:45
required. But we're going to do it anyway. It
54:47
is wanted. Yeah, it's desired. Preferred. So,
54:52
I mean, I'm ready to head all the way back to
54:54
Kansas City, Missouri and sign these documents.
54:57
Well, you know, here on House Hunters, we love
55:00
to find a duo, the correct home to live in. We
55:05
say it's not just a house. It's... We also say
55:10
things like, home is where the heart is. Yeah,
55:13
home is where I'm hardest. We say that home is
55:17
where the dead corpse of an old man somehow dangles
55:21
from a ceiling that isn't there. And you can
55:24
do whatever to. You can do whatever to. HGTV
55:27
said that? HGTV. That's going to be at the end
55:30
of this episode in the credits. This episode
55:33
is sponsored by Kia. Thank you all for tuning
55:40
in to House Hunters. You could have been doing
55:42
many other things tonight, but we appreciate
55:44
you taking 22 minutes out of your evening and
55:48
watching us here on HGTV. For all of us here,
55:50
I'm Alan Foreclosure. Good night. Man, I tell
56:03
you what. The fact that Questly can get great
56:05
segments like House Hunters. House Hunters is
56:09
a big deal. It's been around for a long time.
56:10
Lots of viewership. It's great that they've partnered
56:13
with us to get their episodes on our program.
56:16
So thank you all to House Hunters. And go out
56:18
and support them too. They're a little known
56:21
channel, HGTV. Give them a view. Up and coming.
56:25
Let them know we sent you. I just got cable.
56:28
Been watching some of their flicks. But that
56:32
is it for this episode. If you have a hypothetical
56:36
you want us to answer or you need advice from
56:38
the three wisest people, write us in questionabledetour
56:41
at gmail .com. But as we end this episode, you'll
56:46
have a one -liner wisdom for everybody. You can
56:48
lead a man to water, but you can't teach him
56:53
how to fish. That's an actual one. No, that's
56:57
not the right one. That's not it. That's not
56:58
it. What is it? It's you can lead a horse to
57:01
water, but you can't make him drink. Or you can
57:03
teach a man to fish. Okay. I feel stupid now.
57:09
So, Alan, do you have a one -liner wisdom that
57:14
doesn't mix up a whole bunch of different wisdoms?
57:18
You can light a fire in someone's heart, but
57:21
don't ever light a fire inside someone's house.
57:25
That's good. That's good. Especially for people
57:28
out there looking for love. But there you go.
57:31
Are y 'all ready to be done? Yeah. Who sleeps
57:48
tonight? A -wing -a -way A -wing -a -way A -wing
57:53
-a -way A -wing -a -way A -wing -a -way