Latest / Libido Lounge / Boyfriend Edition #3: Everything You Need to Know About Men's Pumps with Mike Kohl
Transcript
- 0:00Desire can be just a 100% physical for men without any emotional or even mental attraction
- 0:07or desire for it.
- 0:08The men generally feel the need to be, like, respected.
- 0:11So if women men women are disrespecting the men, then that that desire would just turn off.
- 0:18And so what can happen is this vicious cycle where all of a sudden, man touches her, and in
- 0:24her mind, she's like, oh, crap.
- 0:26I don't have time for this.
- 0:27And then he gets hurt, and then she winds up not touching him as much because she's worried
- 0:33that that is gonna give him the signal that she's interested.
- 0:37Could you say it like this?
- 0:38Because I'm feeling, you know, this is making me feel a little disrespectful and very small.
- 0:42It creates that tension that we can okay.
- 0:44Coming in, like, we're coming back, pulling in.
- 0:46That that is also that's a like a enhances the connection, if you wanna call it.
- 0:51You said that the impact of respect on desire.
- 0:56And you said even more impactful on desire is respect, maybe even more than love.
- 1:02So the more that people are actually having sex and actually being intimate, the more when
- 1:07those small breaches happen and and you communicate about them, the more easily your
- 1:11body is actually able to say, okay, we talked about it.
- 1:15And so that subtleness, think, can happen at so many different levels of like trying to reach
- 1:20other signals even our long term relationships around like, is this on the table?
- 1:24Hey, everybody.
- 1:27Welcome back to another episode of the lounge.
- 1:29I'm doctor Diane, your libido doc and board certified sexologist, and I am here today for
- 1:35another boyfriend edition for you guys.
- 1:37This is my boyfriend, my partner, Mike, and we're gonna I'm gonna be asking a series of
- 1:42questions today.
- 1:42We're gonna be talking about desire, talking about male desire, what gets in the way of male
- 1:48desire.
- 1:48We're gonna be talking for the ladies things you should need to that would be helpful to
- 1:52know about male desire.
- 1:54We're gonna be talking about ways to keep your engine revved up during hard stressful times
- 1:59and so much more.
- 2:01And you know, I wanna start by saying this was a fun experience to start to put this together
- 2:07with Mike because when we sat down to talk about some of the questions that we wanted to
- 2:12talk about live and what we thought would maybe be helpful for you guys, it actually ended up
- 2:17being we we sat down one day to just film, and then we ended up shutting the cameras off.
- 2:23And we ended up having pouring a glass of wine and sitting down and with cameras off, just
- 2:29having a really big exploratory talk on these types of questions.
- 2:35So I just bring this up because it would it created a what happened was a really cute date
- 2:39night out of it.
- 2:41And I bring this up because some of the questions that I'm asking here, I think are
- 2:46useful to to take note of because these are questions that actually stimulate a really
- 2:51great conversation between us.
- 2:53And I think it's just a good opportunity when we're talking about long term relationships and
- 2:58finding ways of creating newness and novelty.
- 3:02One of the best ways I think is through curiosity and questions.
- 3:06And so I invite you guys, if you like these questions, to take note of them, to write them
- 3:10down, to maybe bring them to date night with your partner and see what kind of fun
- 3:15conversation stirs up.
- 3:17Because the other thing that happens when we talk about sex is usually that is a great way
- 3:21of getting turned on.
- 3:22So this can be part of your date night as far as just, you know, just exploring emotionally,
- 3:27but also part of turning, you know, turning each other on.
- 3:31So without further ado, I wanna introduce you guys back.
- 3:34You guys met him once before, a couple times before in other boyfriend episodes, but here's
- 3:38Mike, so welcome back, my love.
- 3:40Excited to jam out the truth.
- 3:42Yeah, I'm excited you're here too.
- 3:45So, you know, it's interesting, and you've heard me talk in our own personal life as well
- 3:50as on the show around desire and around females.
- 3:56And so from a standpoint of females, like, one of the things that I feel like I would wish
- 4:02more men would know is things like for women going slow is really important, for women the
- 4:09clitoris is so incredibly important.
- 4:12In fact, what's so interesting even about the vagina is that the posterior two thirds of the
- 4:18vagina don't even have touch receptors, they only have pressure receptors, meaning they
- 4:23don't have near the nerve endings as as areas like our clitoris, so they don't respond to the
- 4:28same types of stimulation.
- 4:30So depending upon what's happening with penetration, there is a wide variety of
- 4:36sensation.
- 4:37This is why for many women thrusting like three times superficially before going deep or nine
- 4:43times superficially before going deep can add to a lot of pleasure because that superficial
- 4:48thrust is really getting into that front third of her vagina where she has a ton more of touch
- 4:54sensors.
- 4:56And so these are examples of the things that like I just wish that more men would know
- 5:00around desire and around arousal and around the female body in general because I think it would
- 5:07just create for a better bidirectional lovemaking experience.
- 5:12So, you know, in thinking about to just, you know, past, you know, not just our relationship
- 5:16but like past lovers and people, you know, women you've experienced life with, is there
- 5:21any sort of like pattern where it's like, wow, yeah, if if women understood this about desire,
- 5:27if they understood this about sex, if they understood this about just love making intimacy
- 5:33in general that it would really help you.
- 5:35Is there anything that you can think of in that regard?
- 5:40Yeah.
- 5:41The first thing that comes to mind is men, like myself, is we are the desire comes much
- 5:51quicker.
- 5:52We don't have we don't need the the foreplay.
- 5:55I think probably most women would understand that.
- 5:59And just that just just having memories of the past even when somebody, you know, like, just
- 6:04touches me on the back, kinda like, oh, yeah.
- 6:06She wanted me.
- 6:07You know?
- 6:08It's this is happening.
- 6:09So just having that memory of the past.
- 6:13And the the other side of it, I think what can really reduce desire for men, the men generally
- 6:20feel the need to be, like, respected.
- 6:22So if women if men women are disrespecting the men, then that that desire would just turn off.
- 6:30So men generally respect is probably, you know, maybe in some in some instances, more important
- 6:37than love.
- 6:40So that's the the growth here.
- 6:42Those are the two biggest things.
- 6:44Oh, and then as for stress, that may it's it's unpredictable because sometimes stress can
- 6:53reduce it, but a lot of times, stress is just a that it has no impact, even amplified the
- 6:58desire.
- 6:59It can.
- 6:59Depending on if it's, a longer term chronic stress that can that can reduce it, but stress
- 7:05in the moment can just amplify that.
- 7:07You know?
- 7:08Maybe you just whatever's happening, it it it had no impact on desire.
- 7:12So I think it's different for women in that case.
- 7:17Okay.
- 7:17You're giving me lots of follow-up questions here.
- 7:19So I'm gonna go a couple of different directions that we talked about pre filming.
- 7:24So one is so it's so it's interesting because you mentioned foreplay, and one of the things
- 7:29you said was that men don't need foreplay as much as women, which is a common belief.
- 7:36So but it's interesting because when I read surveys that have been done on this, what
- 7:40surveys have shown is that men also feel like foreplay is too short on like commonly, and
- 7:47that men on average want eighteen minutes of foreplay, and women on average want nineteen
- 7:51minutes of foreplay.
- 7:52So this is what we've seen.
- 7:53I've seen in some surveys is that we're actually closer here than we may realize.
- 7:59So in your experience, like like, do you still feel like maybe it's not necessary for, like,
- 8:06that true, like, arousal, but for you, where is, like, the value and, like, where is the
- 8:12priority of still having foreplay?
- 8:14Okay.
- 8:16Biggest thing there are certain instances where foreplay would definitely you know, let's say
- 8:23things are happening more fee on a frequent basis.
- 8:25Foreplay would definitely be very useful to kinda rev things up.
- 8:29But I think then for me, the number one value of foreplay is more of relaxing.
- 8:37Like, just just it's from a performance perspective, just relaxing a bit to kinda,
- 8:43like, be more present and, you know, sustain yourself during during the lovemaking.
- 8:47So I think that's probably the number one thing for foreplay that that helpful for for me
- 8:52personally or well, I suspect for most men.
- 8:56And foreplay in a way also there's a like, a call it a a psychological dance that you could
- 9:05you could imagine, kinda give it the the the it creates that tension that we can okay.
- 9:09Coming in, they go coming back, pulling in.
- 9:11That that is also at a like, enhances the connection, if you wanna call it.
- 9:17So that's pretty much my biggest takeaway for that.
- 9:21So it sounds like it's less of the the foreplay is less of, like, that need for the arousal,
- 9:28but yet there's still this foreplay for other purposes like lasting longer and and creating
- 9:34more of, like, being in the moment, that sort of thing?
- 9:38Yes.
- 9:38Yeah.
- 9:39Correct.
- 9:40That pretty much just enhancing the experience the shared experience we're having when during
- 9:47lovemaking or pre lovemaking.
- 9:51Then another question I have is because you mentioned initial my initial question, you
- 9:55mentioned, like, oh, back touching and like how sometimes that's like all it takes is to get
- 10:00turned on.
- 10:01So here's my question because I think women know this a lot of times, and here's a scenario
- 10:07that I think happens for men and women a lot where she may feel like she's like really in
- 10:14overwhelm from life and sometimes unfortunately for women, it can sex can just end up on the
- 10:21checklist of, you know, obligatory type of things.
- 10:24I gotta check that off, which is a whole another can of worms that we've talked about on
- 10:29this show and we'll talk about again.
- 10:32But for sake of simplicity, let's just say that that a woman is feeling there's that sense of
- 10:36obligatory sex and so what can happen is this vicious cycle where all of a sudden man touches
- 10:42her and in her mind she's like, oh crap, don't have time for this.
- 10:47And she's retracting because she's so worried that if she touches him that he's automatically
- 10:53gonna go there and she's like, I don't have time for this, it's, you know, not on my to do
- 10:58list.
- 10:58And so what can happen in this really common dynamic is that, you know, he touches her or
- 11:05she I'm sorry, she touches him and then he starts going, you know, towards her and she's
- 11:10like, no.
- 11:11And then he gets hurt and then she winds up not touching him as much because she's worried that
- 11:17that is gonna give him the signal that she's interested when she's just trying to tenderly
- 11:22touch him and show love.
- 11:24And so this is I think one very common dynamic that leaves the couples not only having less
- 11:30sex, but also having less like physical touch and intimacy because of this like subtle push
- 11:36pull of like, are they in, are they in, are they not, and you know, and like, you you and I
- 11:40even have like nights where it's like, we go to bed and we're so tired and like, we're like
- 11:45really want, you know, really wanna make love, And like both of us are like, you know, like, I
- 11:49don't know.
- 11:50I don't know.
- 11:50And then we wind up making love and sometimes we'll talk afterwards around like, well, I
- 11:54didn't know if that was gonna happen.
- 11:55Right?
- 11:56And so that subtleness I think can happen at so many different levels of like trying to reach
- 12:02other signals, even our long term relationships around like, is this on the table or not?
- 12:06So do you have any thoughts?
- 12:08Like like, let's say you came up and or let's say I came up and touched your back, but I'm
- 12:16not really in the mood and you, like, get that as a signal where I'm like, oh, let's do it.
- 12:22But I'm like, I'm so exhausted.
- 12:24I can't I can't do that.
- 12:25Like, how in that scenario would I best would I best respond to you and say like, oh, yeah.
- 12:31I still, you know, I still wanna give you love and affection, but tonight's maybe not a good
- 12:36night for me or something like that.
- 12:38How would how would how would I handle that well where you're not gonna then pull back and
- 12:42get rejected?
- 12:43Yeah.
- 12:43And this is in our case, I think our communication skills are pretty oh, it's pretty
- 12:52it's not it's pretty solid.
- 12:53It's really solid.
- 12:54And just really trying to read no.
- 12:56It's not when you're with somebody long enough, you can kinda start reading the signal.
- 13:01You know, I have my own signal.
- 13:02So I'm kinda like, ah, it definitely happened with me.
- 13:04It just even though if he touched me, removed me.
- 13:06We trying to engage it.
- 13:07I'm like, okay.
- 13:08I guess Mike is not definitely up for tonight.
- 13:11So it a lot of it is just it I'm trying to imagine that it's this happened organically for
- 13:17us.
- 13:18Maybe no.
- 13:18It may not be for other couples.
- 13:20I just wonder if it needs to be expressed ahead of time.
- 13:24Okay.
- 13:24Just because I do that, you know, it doesn't always mean you know, if you feel like it if
- 13:28you feel like I don't know to call this.
- 13:31In a way, this helped our love language is touch for for both of us.
- 13:35So we just appreciate the touch no matter what.
- 13:38Now that may not be the case for other couples, and that may that may need to be kinda like, if
- 13:44you can find the your your own love language and one person touching the other is not and
- 13:48just it they can create it just trying to understand and communicate with both both
- 13:56parties what the intentions are.
- 13:59Just so you can kinda understand each other's nonverbal cues besides touch.
- 14:02It could it may not for some people, it may not maybe I'm trying to imagine that if buying a
- 14:09gift, oh, man.
- 14:09This is actually turning me on so much and, you know, or I just buy a new gift.
- 14:13It doesn't it doesn't connect.
- 14:15So I think this is where we, like I said, brought the touch is just very easy for us
- 14:20because we both had that love language and just and the communication started really the
- 14:25biggest thing I can think of for couples.
- 14:28Yeah.
- 14:28I I agree.
- 14:29I mean, I think a lot of times these things happen, and then it's almost like, okay.
- 14:33Well, that was awkward, and I gave you the subtle signal, and you didn't, and then it gets
- 14:37pushed under the rug, and, you know, and never talked about again.
- 14:41And I think that's one of the things is like then it just creates the pattern and people are
- 14:45on those loops versus like that pattern interrupt of like, okay, let's have a check-in
- 14:50end of the day and say like, that felt weird.
- 14:53What was that?
- 14:53Like, not make the other person wrong about it and just like, hey, wanna understand.
- 14:58And then I think as any you know, anytime as couples, we get to form these agreements.
- 15:01And so maybe there's an agreement then that gets formed around like, okay, well, you know,
- 15:06if I touch you like this, this, you know, means I want you that way.
- 15:09If I touch you like this, this just means I'm loving or, you know, just throwing out ideas
- 15:13here.
- 15:14Or it's, you know, sometimes it's simple, like sometimes we'll actually like just say like,
- 15:18are we gonna have sex today?
- 15:20Like, you you got it in you today?
- 15:22Know, sometimes we'll even like name that or I'm like, you know what?
- 15:25I think I just need a a chill night tonight or like, yeah, we're gonna prioritize this for
- 15:30sure.
- 15:31So I do think like just like not making it weird to just like name, like, let's just talk
- 15:36about this if this is on the table to see so we can get on the same page.
- 15:40I have to take a break from what we were just talking about because I'm so excited to
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- 19:41Yeah.
- 19:41I would biggest thing I agree.
- 19:43Just talking it out.
- 19:46Just reflecting on path, how we handle it.
- 19:49Just if it get there are moment I think it's a outro.
- 19:53There are moment things are gonna just gonna get awkward.
- 19:55We're all human.
- 19:56We all have our weird moment.
- 19:58And just, like, not make up a deal that, you know, something might be a bigger deal, but
- 20:03then that's worth talking it out.
- 20:05It's even more important.
- 20:06Okay.
- 20:06This, you know, okay.
- 20:07This is a pattern, your partner.
- 20:10Okay.
- 20:10This is there's certain pattern to avoid in terms of making things weird.
- 20:16It just but just talking it out and just bring it bring it like I said, naming it, that will
- 20:22go a long way in terms of just closing that gap, I would say.
- 20:27Yeah.
- 20:27But so
- 20:28Yeah.
- 20:28Thank you.
- 20:30My next question is back to our, you know, desire conversation.
- 20:34So and just helping understand differences between men and women.
- 20:39When we're talking about desire, I wanna know like how much of it feels like physical,
- 20:43mental, or emotional.
- 20:45Because I would say for me, I've never actually done a survey on this for women, but I would
- 20:49say for me, it's almost equally all three.
- 20:53Like there's a real physical thing happening, but there's also like something in my mind and
- 20:59there's also my emotional body.
- 21:00It's not, you know, strongly.
- 21:02And if one of those things gets shut down, which is typically most commonly my physical
- 21:07body, which I think it is for most women where it's like it's like not coming from the arouse,
- 21:11from the desire, from like the body changes, right, the physical body shuts down.
- 21:18And I would say the other big shutdown is like mental, but the emotional desire is probably
- 21:22like the strongest of all the desires for me because there's that that pull towards like
- 21:27that closeness and connection as like a, I would say, primary mover, primary motivator.
- 21:32So do you feel like from you for you with desire, like, are all three of those things,
- 21:37like, physical, mental, emotional pretty equal?
- 21:40Like, what's, you know, what's going on there, you know, more from the man's side?
- 21:44Sure.
- 21:47Initially, it's almost always physical.
- 21:49And then as you
- 21:51Like like, a 100% physical, really?
- 21:53Or
- 21:53Okay.
- 21:54Sure.
- 21:54I mean, sure.
- 21:56The very initial that like, the the immediate attraction, you know oh, yeah.
- 22:02Desire can be just a 100% physical for men without any emotional or even mental attraction
- 22:09or desire through it.
- 22:10Now as you start getting to know something, you have a relationship, the emotional mental
- 22:15components can grow.
- 22:17You know, it's it's variable.
- 22:19Physical will always have the dominant, you know, the desire trigger, if you wanna call it.
- 22:25And then I'll stay emotional probably second.
- 22:30I'll maybe give it a time, maybe 30% at you know?
- 22:35Like, wow.
- 22:36That's like a feeling love, being in connection, and or something you do for me and
- 22:39something and then the mental part, it it I could probably throw it in at 10% for me, by
- 22:49the way.
- 22:49I've had to name the number.
- 22:50I mean, it it it fluctuates over time.
- 22:54So okay.
- 22:55So you mentioned, like, different stages of the relationship.
- 22:58But, like, what about different stages of life?
- 23:00Like, have you noticed, like, okay.
- 23:01Because you're 50 now, and so compared to 20.
- 23:06Right?
- 23:06So, like, you know, 20, like, you know, libido and desire and drive back at 20.
- 23:11Does it have those numbers changed at all?
- 23:13Was it like, you know, is that any more or less, like, emotional driven now compared to
- 23:18before?
- 23:19Or would you say that's, like, been, like, fairly consistent, you know, ish throughout
- 23:23life?
- 23:25Tricky question.
- 23:28I'm just from my dating experience, I'm just trying to remember my twenties.
- 23:33It's just in like, some people had a long relationship.
- 23:37I I like a couple.
- 23:38It wasn't really long in general until in my late twenties.
- 23:43So but I also can I would say it's somewhat consistent, but as you mature, your emotional
- 23:51attraction is more available to you?
- 23:53So with the trigger, it's pretty visible.
- 23:56But emotional is definite, though.
- 23:58It grow it and grows over time.
- 24:00Okay.
- 24:00So it sounds like there's probably not, like, a huge age related difference there then.
- 24:05Correct.
- 24:05I would say not a huge, but it's definitely grown.
- 24:08I'd like to back and I can imagine the next 50.
- 24:12The emotional could easily grow even further.
- 24:15That's just my prediction.
- 24:17Yeah.
- 24:17Yeah.
- 24:17That makes sense.
- 24:19That makes sense.
- 24:19So I wanna talk too about tools for desire and things we, you know, we use to increase desire.
- 24:26So so a few different things.
- 24:28Right?
- 24:29So flirting, you know, sexting.
- 24:32Right?
- 24:32So there's obviously some of that, obviously to you and I.
- 24:36But then there's other tools as well.
- 24:38And so one of, you know, one of the tools that we've been incorporating in are the penis
- 24:43pumps.
- 24:44And so, you know, with these, I think that one of the coolest thing about these penis pumps in
- 24:49this company, which we'll have in the show notes for you guys, links and coupon codes.
- 24:53But I think one of the coolest things about this company is that they are there's a lot of
- 24:58different sizes which allows you to fit properly for girth because what a lot of the
- 25:04companies are doing is they're putting instead of giving you sizes like this, they're building
- 25:09it, they're doing it like one size and they put a gasket at the bottom.
- 25:13And when they put the gasket at the bottom, the problem is it's cutting off blood flow.
- 25:16But they do it to get the suction for the pressure and so you can get like short term
- 25:21benefits but because you're cutting off the blood flow in order to get that section, you're
- 25:26not going to get like the long term benefits.
- 25:28And that's what we're really looking for here is long term how to keep the tissue healthy.
- 25:35So I think this is just in my like professional opinion, I think this is like like a tool that
- 25:40as we age everybody needs, you know, needs some.
- 25:44They make them for the clitoris as well.
- 25:45So I think as women we need to be doing this too because it is inevitable that we are going
- 25:51to see blood not flowing in the same way as we age.
- 25:55It inevitable for everybody.
- 25:57And whether there's like any sort of imbalance that is showing up in sex life, the question
- 26:02too is not just about fixing the problem, but the question is about optimizing.
- 26:07And so in order to actually maintain, you know, good erections, in order to get blood to the
- 26:13clitoris to maintain pleasure, what's amazing about these products is they they are
- 26:18researched and scientifically proven to be able to do this.
- 26:21And even the research they're doing on these has been shown to really reverse things like
- 26:27mild ED.
- 26:28So that's really exciting.
- 26:29So, you know, what is what would you say are your favorite things about the the penis pump
- 26:35so far?
- 26:36Well, first off, I just wanna say that I was extremely skeptical because I if you the movies
- 26:41I've ever seen, like the Odd and Power, the first movie, know, they made fun of the penis
- 26:46enlarger pump.
- 26:48You know?
- 26:48And then one warranty card is signed by Austin Powers.
- 26:51So so there's a lot of skepticism, and I sort of gave it you know, to work with it, and I was
- 26:56surprisingly, wow.
- 26:58It's actually effective in terms of the the the size and, you know, girth and length and the
- 27:03blood flow.
- 27:04It's more for the noticing the difference of actually the blood flow down the under down the
- 27:10region there.
- 27:11And so it's it's definitely a tool.
- 27:14I could totally see other couples can be useful for trying to, you know, enhance their own
- 27:19lovemaking experience from whether it's a size or blood flow issue they have.
- 27:25So
- 27:26Yeah.
- 27:26Amazing.
- 27:27Thank you.
- 27:27Yeah.
- 27:27It's I think they're really cool.
- 27:29It's like if people are having ED, it's like there's a level where it's like you're not even
- 27:33able to maintain an erection.
- 27:34You can put a cock ring here and like slide it down so that once you get pumped up, slide it
- 27:39down over the penis to hold the blood there.
- 27:41And so I just think it's an amazing tool if with couples are like, if they're struggling
- 27:45like that to have support where they can still stay bonded and passionate and all of that.
- 27:52Well, this has been so delightful.
- 27:55I think my final question for you in this episode is is back to something you said in my
- 28:00initial question for you, which was when I asked you about what you wish women understood,
- 28:06you said that the impacts of respect on desire.
- 28:10And you said even more impactful on desire is respect, maybe even more than love.
- 28:16So like, do you I'm gonna throw you a curveball here too, but you think because I think there's
- 28:21like obvious things that like happen, right, where, you know, where men feel disrespected.
- 28:27Right?
- 28:28So obviously like cheating on somebody or like saying something like mean or harmful in front
- 28:34of friends or feeling like, you know, kind social disrespect, those really obvious things.
- 28:39But, you know, can you think of, like, any sort of subtle areas or subtle ways that men that
- 28:46might be a common way that you or other men have felt disrespected that would be good for
- 28:50us women to understand, like, the impacts of?
- 28:54Yeah.
- 28:54Great question.
- 28:56There sorry.
- 29:00It depend a lot of the time, there's a a just it could be couple of things happening here.
- 29:04I'm trying to separate.
- 29:05Now it could be one story that you have about something.
- 29:09So for example, if you if let's say a woman was saying made you feel like you're number two.
- 29:16It's just subtle.
- 29:17We're not even, like, you know, meant to be, oh, yeah.
- 29:19He Joe over there are definitely better than you.
- 29:22You know?
- 29:23Kinda like it depends on that partner and your story that men may have.
- 29:29You know, I'm I'm not number one.
- 29:31That could be misinterpreted.
- 29:33Right?
- 29:33That that's where the communication comes in or just having a good just I think that that
- 29:39really just understanding of human your human dynamic, the relationship that you're in and
- 29:43different state.
- 29:44But so if you're with somebody and just then make him make make him feel like he's number
- 29:48two in a very subtle way that that can definitely trigger a sense of disrespect.
- 29:56So it's not a it's a combination of the two, really.
- 30:00So I'm trying give another example.
- 30:02Jeremy, it's just, like, anything that's, oh, yeah.
- 30:06You didn't clean the kitchen.
- 30:07The dishes good enough.
- 30:09And just kinda like little criticism or little put down over time.
- 30:14They compound over time.
- 30:16If it if it if it gets too long, and that's where, again, I'm, like, I'm circling back to
- 30:21having communication being the like, airing it out.
- 30:25By the way, when you said that that it wasn't could you help me?
- 30:28Could you give me constructive?
- 30:29Could you say it like this?
- 30:31Because I'm feeling you know, this is making me feel a little disrespected.
- 30:34And it's very small.
- 30:35You may and they the other person may not even mean to disrespect it, but just those little
- 30:40things that could add up over time.
- 30:43So
- 30:44Yeah.
- 30:44That's that's awesome.
- 30:45And I, you know, it's like, it's definitely interesting that you brought up this, like, not
- 30:49number one thing because I think that happens for women as well.
- 30:52They I don't think we would maybe as classically use the word disrespect, but that
- 30:57idea of not being number one around like it's maybe more like safety that comes up of not
- 31:02feeling as safe and feeling more vulnerable, which when we don't feel as safe and we feel
- 31:07more vulnerable in a bad way, there's good vulnerability and bad vulnerability.
- 31:11But if we the vulnerability is coming from not feeling safe, then it's very difficult for us
- 31:16to connect, you know, to connect intimately.
- 31:20And the, you know, I think your comment around like the the tiny criticisms, you know, it's
- 31:24also really important because we are you know, I know like we are constantly I mean, I
- 31:29wouldn't say constantly, but like I would say constantly aware is is the way to use
- 31:33constantly of like like those small little impacts and wanting to correct them, you know,
- 31:39right away when it's not you know, when they aren't big deals.
- 31:42And the other thing that brings up for me that I think I wanna mention here is this concept of
- 31:46trust adaptability.
- 31:49So trust adaptability is all about our ability.
- 31:52It's it's a way that we are able to easily forgive small breaches.
- 31:58So when, you know, when Mike's talking about, hey, oh, this small little criticism, you
- 32:04didn't clean the kitchen well enough, or, you know, these small little things, Well, one, we
- 32:08wanna communicate about them and and talk about them.
- 32:11And then two, the other component is like we can't hold on to them because that's the stuff
- 32:16that just puts tiny little nicks into the relationship.
- 32:19And with trust adaptability, it's all about the ability to forgive those small things easily.
- 32:26And what's interesting is studies have shown that orgasms and oxytocin that we release
- 32:32during orgasm helps improve our trust adaptability.
- 32:36So the more that people are actually having sex and actually being intimate, the more when
- 32:42those small breaches happen and and you communicate about them, the more easily your
- 32:46body is actually able to say, okay, we talked about it, We're on the same page.
- 32:50We love, care, and respect each other, and we're not gonna hold we're gonna forgive that
- 32:54one, and we're not gonna hold it in our memory so it doesn't continue to bring up.
- 32:58You know, because sometimes we can't even talk and communicate, I think, as humans, but if
- 33:02we're still holding onto it, then when the next thing happens, it's like, oh, remember that
- 33:06thing?
- 33:06And we go back and we hold onto it and we even if we talked about it, we can still not
- 33:11forgive.
- 33:12And so I just think that's an important thing to realize, right, because, you know, I I think
- 33:18some of the motivation for sex from the masculine and feminine is is very different.
- 33:23I think there's some similarities.
- 33:25Like, I think ultimately, all humans have some drive towards pleasure.
- 33:30And so I think we showed that, but I do think another thing that is sometimes motivational
- 33:35for for women, for both, you know, both genders, but for women is realizing like, oh,
- 33:40right.
- 33:40When we do this, that actually this actually allows us to forgive each other easier, to
- 33:46actually, move past these small things.
- 33:49And I think that's a huge reason why we see that sex and intimacy is a huge factor in
- 33:55determining whether couples stay together in their long term, you know, committed
- 33:59relationships or whether they get separated, you know, go there to break up or get divorced.
- 34:04So thank you so much for being here with me today, my love.
- 34:08Welcome.
- 34:09It's a great touch with you.
- 34:11Yeah.
- 34:12Lots of fun.
- 34:13And everybody, as always, remember anything we talk about you can find in the show notes.
- 34:18The penis pumps, there's tons of different sizes.
- 34:20Remember, I only showed you two of them, but there's tons of different sizes plus the gauge
- 34:25that goes on top of it, to make sure that you get proper pressure because improper pressure
- 34:30is a safety issue, another great thing about this company.
- 34:33But all of that in will be in the show notes as well as coupon codes for you.
- 34:38So we hope you will access that.
- 34:40Please do subscribe so you can get the next boyfriend edition that is coming out really
- 34:44soon, and we will see you all again in the future.
- 34:47Take care.
- 34:51Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
- 34:53Please don't keep me a secret.
- 34:54Please share this with your friends.
- 34:56You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.