Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Doing Chores Doesn't Turn Women On, But...

Transcript

Doing Chores Doesn't Turn Women On, But... · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
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  Today we're going to talk about this idea that doing chores
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  turns women on or doesn't and why there is a disconnect in how
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  men and women think about this and why some angry men always
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  think women are lying about everything, etcetera.
• 0:24
  So before that, please do subscribe.
• 0:26
  My most recent subscriber episode was why.
• 0:28
  If your wife has never experienced sexual frustration,
• 0:31
  she may think that you are coercive.
• 0:33
  So that is a really good one for you to subscribe for.
• 0:37
  And of course, you get 150 other episodes, which is a lot of
• 0:40
  content for 899. OK.
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  So when women say that doing chores turns them on, they do
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  not mean turned on in the way a man means turned on.
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  They do not mean that a man doing chores literally makes
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  them wet. And this is when men say turned
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  on. They mean I am hard, I could
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  have sex, now I am turned on, I am ready to have sex.
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  That is not what a woman means by turns on.
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  She is meaning it very colloquially like it's a turn on
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  to see him. With my kid, you think that she
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  is feeling physically aroused to see him.
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  You with the kid, the baby? No, that's not what happens.
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  The baby's in that picture. She's not going to get
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  physically aroused looking at her own baby, you know.
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  So think about it. When a so when a man says turned
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  on, he means spontaneous arousal.
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  This is the exact thing that I explained in myriad forms.
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  When a woman means turned on, at least within a long term
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  relationship, she means able to access responsive desire.
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  Even if if she's like 99% of women, she has no idea that
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  that's what she means because she, like 99% of men don't know
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  what responsive desire is. Because our education system
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  does not teach anything about sex, and people are very sex
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  negative in this culture. And you know, science is
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  something people don't care about, et cetera, et cetera.
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  But whatever. The the point being that what
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  most women mean is when I see you doing chores, I feel so
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  positive about you And also I am less tired, 'cause it's less
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  stuff that I have to do. It is less mental work.
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  You know, so many women talk about the mental load.
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  It is less physical work and therefore and I feel like you're
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  a team mate, I feel like I'm in a good marriage.
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  I think I'm a lucky person and I feel like this was a good
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  decision to be married to you. And thus later I am looking
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  forward to being intimate. When of course the only thing
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  that, as always will actually turn me on is touch, foreplay,
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  that's what's responsive. Desire means you touch her
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  physically and she responds as distinguished from spontaneous
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  arousal, which is getting wet. This does not happen to most
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  women unless they are ovulating and they see a hot man all at
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  the same time on vacation after a drink.
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  You know, I mean, within long term monogamy, being
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  spontaneously aroused is not the default, right?
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  Just like at older age than that, because men are about
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  maybe 10 years behind women on, like, the aging thing.
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  Men don't get spontaneously erect anymore.
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  I mean, you remember you were 14 years old.
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  You'd get a spontaneous erection, right?
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  Or 16 or 18 or whatever. See a hot woman, you get hard.
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  Most men don't feel like that unless they're constantly
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  fluffing with porn all day, you know?
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  So after you get older, no men in their 40s, really.
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  You could go to Starbucks. The barista could be super hot.
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  You're probably not going to literally get hard.
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  You're going to be like, that's a hot woman, you know?
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  Good, great. There's another hot woman over
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  there, but that doesn't mean that you're going to be
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  literally gasping for air because you're so aroused around
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  these hot women. You're used to there being hot
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  women in the world, and you're older physiologically.
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  So the point is that that is what women mean by turned on.
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  They do not mean this is not a bait and switch.
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  There's so many angry men on the Internet talking about a bait
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  and switch. Like with the honeymoon stage,
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  this is not a bait and switch this.
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  And so then some guy on my Facebook comment said something
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  like, well, if women don't mean turned on, like aroused, then
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  they shouldn't say it. I'm like, that is just like
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  saying that a man should not say I can't wait to see you later
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  unless he literally expects her to meet.
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  To think that he means I cannot wait to see you later.
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  It is impossible. Thus I am leaving work
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  immediately and I will see you in 20 minutes.
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  No, that's not what he means. But I can't wait.
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  And that's not what a woman means by turned on, turned on
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  means. This is positive.
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  I feel good. I feel warm and fuzzy toward
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  you. This doesn't mean that this that
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  chore play. And now I see if men really
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  thought this, 'cause I got this from a Facebook comment that a
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  man thought that this is what it really means and was upset that
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  his wife, in fact I guess does not get physiologically aroused
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  by chores like he thought she was saying that she did.
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  But the the point is, is that chore play is not foreplay with
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  chores. There is no replacement for
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  foreplay. And for a sexual blueprint woman
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  who doesn't like foreplay, who only likes intercourse because
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  there are some women like that, then nothing is a replacement
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  for sex. She starts to have sex and then
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  she gets turned on to have more sex.
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  But either way, unless somebody is very kinky and they get
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  turned on by other things that are not sexual, in which case
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  they would need those things then you know, to get turned on,
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  they are not getting spontaneously aroused by chores.
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  Unless the kink is you doing chores, which which would be a
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  pretty good thing for a woman to pretend, but it but but it isn't
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  true. And I don't, I don't know, you
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  know why I that would be a very small subset of the population.
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  My husband also pointed out when we were discussing this that
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  maybe men think it's like women because that it's like when men
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  look at women and they're turned on by the woman doing chores
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  because they're turned on by the woman doing anything.
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  So they think, all right, well, I know she's not turned on by me
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  just sitting there, but maybe it's a subset of that.
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  Maybe she's turned on by me vacuuming, You know, like I'm
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  turned on by her sitting there vacuuming, cooking, looking out
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  the window, driving the car, anything.
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  I'm turned on by watching her do it.
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  So maybe it's like that for her, but the subset is only chores,
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  but it's not. The thing is, is none of that is
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  right. Unless again, you're a new
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  honeymoon stage partner, at which point anything you do from
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  chores to reading a book to go into your job is a turn on
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  because she's turned on. Or unless she's like 18 years
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  old, 25 years old, she's turned on basically all the time.
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  Because as I've said so many times, she is a young, fertile
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  breeding animal. So, you know, like that's what
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  young animals do, Like they have sex.
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  This is like I I saw before our our, you know, extremely anxious
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  culture took over. There was some movie I was
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  watching and somebody, you know, an older character.
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  And that was always people in their 40s, right, Who looked in
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  the 80s or 90s the way that people who are in their 60s look
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  now because the, you know, guideposts for what we're
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  supposed to look like are always, always shifting.
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  But anyway, so somebody said, oh, they're teenagers, all they
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  want to do is have sex. Now, that used to be understood,
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  That used to be understood that teenagers are horny.
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  They always want to have sex nowadays.
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  It's so narcissistic that four year old parents think that
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  they're supposed to have a better sex life than their 17
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  year old kid. I see this constantly.
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  The 17 year old kid is supposed to be basically still 7.
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  That's how they're supposed to act in terms of their sex life.
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  They're supposed to be completely, you know, basically
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  still still like a child. No understanding that they're
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  supposed to developmentally be at really their sexual peak and
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  then the parents are supposed to have the awesome sex life in
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  their 40s. This is never how things were.
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  This was never, ever what, what it was supposed to look like to
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  be a human being or to have a certain trajectory of aging,
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  right. The aging as you get older, you
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  were supposed to have less sex. And as I talk about, that's
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  normal, right? And the peak is when you're very
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  young. So when somebody's very young,
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  then of course a girl can get turned on by watching him do
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  chores and watching him do anything.
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  But, you know, once you're together long term and you are
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  older, then the spontaneous arousal just doesn't work the
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  way that it used to. It can for a brief time.
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  Again, if you're older and you get into a honeymoon stage, then
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  you can feel like that for a little while, but it goes away,
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  you know, pretty quick. As I said, 18 months to three
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  years after certainty is resolved, meaning that you are
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  committed. Your body just is like, OK,
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  well, I guess I had enough sex with that person.
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  I want to go breed with somebody else.
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  And you do not have that overarching main effect of young
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  horniness to carry to carry everything.
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  So when the honeymoon stage drops, then people go to wanting
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  sex. You know, most women, I don't
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  know, once a week, that's would be like a baseline.
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  Once a week, maybe twice a week, maybe once every other week.
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  This is kind of like the range of what women within monogamy in
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  their 40s plus would want generally, unless they're much
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  higher libido or they're with a new partner.
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  So the the point being here, when your wife says something
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  turns her on, do not think that this means that she is
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  spontaneously aroused and able to have intercourse at that
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  moment. That is not the case.
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  What she's saying is you are getting me in the mood to be
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  close to you by doing something nice and loving.
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  And so I really want to do, you know, I I want to do something
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  you want and that I will start to like given responsive desire
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  because I feel like you are being a team player.
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  I feel like we're in a happy family.
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  I'm kind of proud of of us. Look at us doing this.
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  We're doing so well together. We're doing these chores.
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  We're going to the pumpkin patch.
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  You're being a good dad. I feel close.
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  And part of being close is having sex.
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  And once we start, I know I'll like it.
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  That's what kind of a healthy marriage would look like, Given
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  responsive desire. Once we get close, I know that
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  I'll like it, right. And so, so many women say this,
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  you know, oh, I didn't want to have sex.
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  And then, like, you know, I tried and then we did.
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  And then I liked it because of responsive desire.
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  So it's not like men who know that they are aroused prior to
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  the encounter. And I discussed this all over my
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  podcast and all over my pose. This is responsive desire.
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  And I even have a podcast on Do high libido women have
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  responsive desire? Yes, Usually within monogamy
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  they do. Unless they're on a fuck load of
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  testosterone, in which case they have more spontaneous arousal
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  like men, you know, But everybody can do that, you know.
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  There's side effects to that too for a lot of women.
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  If it works for you, awesome, then you'll feel like a teenage
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  boy forever. But the the the point is, is
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  that even high libido women within monogamy and over with
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  age, they also don't feel spontaneous arousal all day.
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  You know, instead they're like, oh, I can't wait to be close to
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  him later because I know that's going to be good for me.
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  And then that woman might think it a few times a week, you know,
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  versus one time a week versus one only one time a month.
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  If you're very low libido, right.
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  Only when you're ovulating. So that woman and, and you know
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  what, within with age and monogamy, etcetera, a woman even
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  who's high libido may still not want to do it at night because
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  her testosterone is the lowest. So you could have a high libido
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  woman that at night looks like a low libido woman, you know, or
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  during the day looks like a low libido woman because she's so
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  tired. Or, you know, like she could be
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  a high libido woman, but only if you guys have sex in the morning
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  or only in the afternoon or only on, you know, the weekends.
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  And then she responds a lot and wants to have sex, like multiple
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  times over the weekend. But during the week, she's, you
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  know, doing her thing with kids and getting up early just to get
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  up at 5:00 AM and she goes to sleep by 10.
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  This is a busy time of life for most people, you know, And that
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  coincides with what are we supposed to do?
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  Like, evolutionarily, we're supposed to raise our children
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  to adulthood. We're supposed to replace
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  ourselves, you know, in the species chain.
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  So our drive once we have kids is not to have more kids except
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  when we ovulate or when we see a new partner that would be good
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  to have kids with. So people, I can't seem to say
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  this stuff too much because people love to take things
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  personally and they love to feel like they're completely in
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  control of their destiny and that people could just decide to
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  be aroused or people could decide to stay in the honeymoon
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  stage forever. Somebody says that they could
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  stay in the honeymoon stage forever.
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  You know, like ask them what they're smoking or like, ask
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  them what Santa and the Tooth Fairy have to say about it.
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  Because it's just not real. It's just not real.
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  It's like saying every time I go to work is going to feel like my
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  first day on the job, Every time I eat a ice cream sundae, it's
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  going to feel like when I was a tiny baby on my first birthday
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  and I, you know, tasted ice cream for the first time.
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  It's just not like that. Life is not like that.
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  There is a novelty effect, as I've described numerous times.
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  There's the Coolidge effect for both men and women, where for
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  men refractory period increases with the longer so that you know
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  the partner, and then if you put in a new partner there's a
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  novelty effect, and of course that's with age as well.
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  Refractory period increases for men.
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  So this is not just a woman thing either.
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  Obviously. Time comes for everybody,
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  Everything changes for everybody over time.
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  And as novelty goes away, of course that means you can still
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  have a good relationship. It's just not going to feel like
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  a honeymoon stage relationship, which is completely normal
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  obviously, and it will wax and wane and within a healthy
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  relationship a man will understand that he can do things
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  to quote turn on his wife. But that's foreplay.
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  And aside from that, if she's saying turned on, she means
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  mentally turned on and mentally turned on means I am happy with
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  you. I feel like you are a good
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  person, a good guy, a good husband, and that make that's a
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  Halo effect. So when I feel like you're a
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  good husband, you look cuter to me and I want to have sex more
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  later, which still requires foreplay no matter how much
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  swiffering you did. And I just feel happy with
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  everything. And that is what a woman means
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  when she means I feel turned on. Plus she's not exhausted because
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  she didn't do all the cleaning herself.
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  And if she did do all the cleaning herself, she's going to
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  hate you because she's going to be very resentful and feel very
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  tired and wonder why you were sitting around while she was
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  doing that. Unless of course you were doing
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  something else that was also for the family.
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  All right, hope you guys enjoyed this and I will talk to y'all
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  soon. Have a great day.