Latest / Sacred She Reset: Awakening Your Radiant Wisdom in Midlife / When Your Needs Are Always the First to Be Postponed | 004

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When Your Needs Are Always the First to Be Postponed | 004 · Sacred She Reset: Awakening Your Radiant Wisdom in Midlife

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  Cherie Ashana: You're listening to the Sacred She Reset podcast.
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  If you're a woman in midlife who's done doing this alone and
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  ready for real conversations, real wisdom, and real radiance,
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  you're exactly where you need to be. I'm your host Sharia Shana.
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  Your path to radiance starts here. Welcome back, beautiful
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  sisters, to Sacred She Reset, Awakening Your Radiant Wisdom.
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  I'm Shari Ashana, your host, and this week we're going to dive
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  into the hidden costs of always coming last, and the overarching
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  comment, "I don't have time for myself, lordy, lordy, lordy. So
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  I have heard these comments from myself before, and plenty of
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  other ladies that I know, and so they never go, "Oh, I'm
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  abandoning myself. You never hear that sort of languaging. We
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  have a tendency to say, "I'm busy. It's not the right time. I
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  can't afford it. Everyone else needs me. I'll focus on myself
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  when things settle down, honey. But for some women, things do
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  not settle down in 20 years. There is always another
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  deadline. Yes, I'll do that when I retire. That's like I remember
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  hearing my parents say, "Oh, when I retire, I was like, "I
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  don't think I'm ever going to retire. What is retirement?
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  Always be doing something. We have something happening. Why do
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  we retire? To me, retirement is retire everything. Anyway, being
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  a little crazy here, but there's always another deadline.
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  There's always another person to support. There's always another
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  bill. There's always another transition or a crisis, and
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  another reason why your needs must wait. So today we're going
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  to speak into that about time and money, but also about the
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  deeper belief beneath both of those. There is no room for me.
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  So for years, whenever I had surgery, recovery became
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  something I needed to complete. It was a cycle of going through
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  major surgery after major surgery, and I don't know if
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  it's different now because it's been a long time since I've had
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  major surgery. But I had this recovery period of six, 812,
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  weeks. It was crazy. So I would do what was necessary in this
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  cycle, I'd get through those the recovery period, however long it
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  took, and then I would return to life. I would return back to
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  travel and work and moving, back to proving that I was fine. I
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  want to share a little story here because I remember one of
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  my surgeries. I remember, I don't know what number surgery
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  it was, but I I must have been. I don't think I'd yet started
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  traveling overseas, so I was I was under the age of 21. I
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  wasn't living at home, and I remember I had a major surgery,
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  and I just all I would just do was go shopping.
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  I wanted to go out and get myself a couple of potato cakes
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  and go shopping, and get in the car and drive. And I remember, I
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  literally must have been a week out of a major surgery. And this
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  particular time was I'd been cut on my lower abdomen, right
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  through, right through the wall and the lining there. So I was
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  like bent over, like crooked. Couldn't hardly get. I couldn't
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  get up straight. I hadn't yet retrained those muscles and
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  those that part of me I hadn't healed. And I remember just
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  getting this bee in my bonnet about needing to go shopping and
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  needing to go down there, and just I needed to get out of the
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  house. I needed to be just doing something, and so I spent all
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  this time getting ready, having a shower, yeah, getting excited,
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  and I remember I made it to the car in the driveway, and that's
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  as far as I made it. I sat in the car. I think I sat in the
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  car for maybe I don't know. Must have been an hour or so. Sat
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  there absolutely exhausted, and then when I built up enough
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  energy, I, you know, hobbled my little crooked body back into
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  the house, pride all crumbled and disappointed, and went to
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  bed and ended up falling asleep. So, trying to prove I'm fine,
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  I'd like just override constantly, always overriding
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  myself. So, I did not understand that recovery and restoration
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  were not necessarily the same thing. I know that now. Recovery
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  meant I could function again. Restoration would have required
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  me to examine the life and patterns I was returning to, and
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  I wasn't doing that back then.
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  But I did not yet know how to do that. I really didn't. I had to
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  kind of, like I said in the last. We have to hit the wall
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  and return, and hit the wall and keep repeating the same pattern
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  before we get it. I thought strength meant meant getting
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  back on my feet. I did not ask whether the same way of living
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  was continually taking me away from myself. So many of us do
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  this without having experienced surgery. We don't necessarily
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  need a big, crazy, chaotic life for this to happen. We just do
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  this anyway. We rest just long enough to carry too much again.
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  So we get to that point exhausted on a Friday or
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  whatever day it is, depending on what you're doing in your life.
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  You come home and collapse. You get a sleep up, and we do we do
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  the cycle all over again. We take the weekend away, then we
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  return to the same emotional load. We go to a retreat, then
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  become home and resume the same roles. We don't integrate
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  anything that we've we've learned or done. We just we keep
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  following these cycles up and down, up and down, and we sleep
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  for eight hours. We wake up inside the life that continually
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  drains us. Rest can help, but rest alone does not restore us
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  when we return to the same patterns that depleted us. I've
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  met many women who long for change, but believe there is no
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  time for it, and so the clock continues to tick, ladies. It
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  keeps ticking. It keeps, you know, that each time we put
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  something off, it's yeah, we're getting older. The clock's
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  ticking. We've only got so much life on this planet. We need to
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  grab it by the horns and live it and love it. But we need to take
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  care of ourselves. And so I find they're caring for children and
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  grandchildren. I do not have children. I've had fur babies.
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  I've got a beautiful partner that I take care of.
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  He's beautiful, a home, everything. I still have
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  responsibilities, but so many women have children and
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  grandchildren, and they love that role. But also, it's a big
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  responsibility. So, caring for children and grandchildren,
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  supporting aging parents-we most of us will be going through this
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  at some point. Managing the home, carrying emotional
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  responsibility inside our relationships. Now, just on that
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  note of relationships, relationships take work. I'm in
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  a beautiful relationship, and sometimes what happens from the
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  outside, people look in and go, "Oh, you guys, you're amazing.
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  But we've worked on this. There's a lot of responsibility,
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  emotional responsibility inside of this, and sometimes we carry
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  a lot of this if we're not if we're not in a relationship
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  where there's healthy communication, and and giving
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  and receiving and all the things, this is for another
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  episode. But I thought I'd just touch on that. And some of us
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  are building businesses. Hey, I like I know I know this one
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  super well, and we're navigating health changes, and this is all
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  going on at once, right? So this is all happening, all these
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  layers, and the lack of time feels real.
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  The lack of time feels-it's a real thing. Like we all, we all
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  have the same amount of hours in a day, and we've only got so
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  many. And so, what what is priority? What is what is
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  important compared to what can we do tomorrow or another time?
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  So, really, is it's valid, and we all experience this. And this
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  is not about telling. This is not about telling you as an
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  overwhelmed woman that you simply need to have better time
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  management. How many of you heard that? You need to manage
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  your time, brother, honey. Yeah, there's a level of that plays
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  out. I think there's a level that's important, but it's not
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  as simple as that. Like tell tell someone who's overwhelmed,
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  right? You, if you had come to me when I was completely
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  overwhelmed and chaotic in my life, that I need to be better
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  time managed. I, I just I didn't want to know any of that stuff.
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  So sometimes the structure of your life is genuinely
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  unsustainable, and there is also the question worth asking: How
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  did my needs become the one thing that can always get
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  postponed. That is huge.
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  Postponing our own needs, because when you say I don't
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  have time for myself, I feel like you we're describing more
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  more than our schedules, right? Don't have time for myself. It's
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  not about scheduling thing here. Do we're going to reframe that?
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  The important things is that we can shift and change these
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  things, and sometimes we just need this little nudge of a
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  reframe, ever so small. We often speak about time as though it is
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  something we discuss. Hiding behind the sofa, I just need to
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  find the time. Like, where the hell is it hiding, really? But
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  time is not only found; it is claimed, protected, negotiated.
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  Sometimes it is created by asking someone else to
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  participate. Sometimes by lowering a standard, so we can
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  have sometimes as ladies we have a very very high standard.
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  Sometimes by disappointing a person who benefited from your
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  constant availability, and I would imagine a lot of us have
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  been on both sides of that in our life. Yeah, and for some of
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  us, we've been on one side or the other more or less.
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  Sometimes, by saying this cannot continue the same way, is like a
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  big thing. You sit there and you're having that moment. It's
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  like this cannot continue the same way. Really, like what am I
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  doing? And that can feel really confronting because making time
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  for yourself is not always about adding something lovely to your
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  calendar. I know, for me, like if I'm talking an old version of
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  myself here, if I was chaotic, super busy, not able to managing
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  my like able to manage my own time, and then I'm going to put
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  this beautiful spa day on the calendar, or I'm going to put
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  this hike on the calendar, or whatever it is, you know, often
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  it. it it it that that wasn't enough. Like that wasn't it.
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  Like that's not the thing. So it may require changing the
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  arrangements that have depended on your self sacrifice. So it
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  means taking stock. We're going to take stock of our time. Where
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  are we? And I look at, I look at our energy and how much we
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  spend. Energy is-it's a currency. It's a frequency, just
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  like money, right? So, just like money, where am I spending my
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  currency and my energy and my frequency, taking stock of the
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  big picture, where you can pull back a little, you know, and and
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  start to sort of not be self sacrificing anymore. So the
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  question is, not only do I have time, it is what keeps happening
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  because I never make time, and again, it's that same thing.
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  Switching the question of, you know, do I have time? Go on the
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  calendar.
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  Do I have time? It's like what keeps happening. So looking at
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  the pattern where we're actually self-sacrificing. So it's
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  looking at the pattern of where we never make time. So, what
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  happens when we we're waiting? The cost of waiting. This is a.
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  It's uh. It's different for all of us, but there's a cost in
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  waiting and delaying, and it it's not a punishment, a cost.
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  Perhaps you become more resentful, and we were talking
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  about this in the last episode about when we work when we're on
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  our own all the time and thinking we have all the answers
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  and we can do it alone. The cost of waiting, you there's more
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  exhaustion, more disconnected from your partner, so you start
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  closing down. You're less patient, less creative, less
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  able to hear your own desires, perhaps your body becomes
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  louder, so those symptoms start like flaring up, those different
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  ailments and conditions, and the body starts yelling and
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  screaming. Perhaps you stop imagining a different future
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  because even imagining it feels tiring. You're like, oh god, I'm
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  exhausted just even thinking about what I want to create,
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  perhaps years pass while you keep promising, and I don't know
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  whether you've experienced this, whether you finally get
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  something that you've been put off and put off, and you be,
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  you're like, why did I even delay this? You know, once
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  you've had the realizations. But there's also a thing called
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  timing as well, where it needs to be aligned, and we need to
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  learn some lessons along the way. So we often calculate the
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  cost of taking action, the price of the session, the course, the
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  childcare, the hour away, the support.
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  We rarely calculate the cost of continuing unchanged. Question
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  here I have for you: What is the cost of another year spent
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  feeling absent from your own life? This is not a question
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  designed to frighten you. It is designed to bring honesty into
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  the decision and get to be real. Honest with ourselves, so let's
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  talk a little bit about reframing money because you know
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  we do. We often measure things on that that cost of taking
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  action and support by the price of the session, the course, you
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  know, the childcare, the hour away, and the other support, or
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  even the retreat we might want to go to, and our heart is just
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  calling us to go. We can make if it's possible, and if it can
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  happen, we can make it happen. By the way, so reframing money.
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  Let's talk about that. So money is real again. Another currency.
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  It's a frequency, and financial limitations are real. I'm.
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  This is all valid. I'm not saying, oh, you need to go, you
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  need to make that trip happen to that luxury place that's going
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  to cost you. Need you to remortgage your house. I'm, I'm
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  not saying any of that here. Um, this is all grounded in, and
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  this is, you know, what I'm chatting to you about is like
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  we're taking baby steps. Remember the other episodes.
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  We're taking step by step, and I will never tell you to spend
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  money that you do not have. Enter into debts that put
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  yourself in danger and prove that you are committed to your
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  healing. You know, commit to your healing. You need to do
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  this. No, this is all not coming from that. So empowerment is not
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  pressure. There's no pressure when we're empowered. When we're
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  making choices and decisions that are aligned for us, we
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  there's no pressure there. It just feels like we're in flow.
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  But the thing with money also reveals our priorities, our
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  beliefs, and our patterns-things that can be playing out from a
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  long time ago. So many of us have learnt to consider
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  investment in investments in themselves optional, while
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  everything and everyone else remains essential. So again,
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  it's that thing of putting ourselves last and putting
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  putting everybody else before us, so we spend on the
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  household, on our partners, children, in our business,
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  gifts, responsibilities, repairs.
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  But when it comes to our own support, we find ourselves
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  asking, "Do I really need this? Sometimes the answer is no. Not
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  every offering is right, you know, and that's where
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  discernment comes in. We don't want to be become a course
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  junkie or a retreat junkie. We some offers are just not right
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  for us; they're not aligned. Not every purchase is wise. Cracies!
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  I I've spent so much money on self development and training,
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  and some of those containers and trainings that I've done, I
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  walked away going, did did I really get value there? And so,
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  not, you know, I tried to pull the positive from everything. So
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  then, not everything is doom and gloom, and going, oh, I didn't
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  get value. I have, but I'm saying we do also make purchase
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  decisions that aren't always entirely aligned, and sometimes
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  the question itself reveals how much difficulty it is for you to
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  believe that you are worth the resources. So the invitation is
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  not to spend impulsively. I've been there. I remember little
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  story. I remember being very much in a space.
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  This was before I left to travel overseas, and I remember very
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  much being in a space of feeling. I've had this a couple
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  of times in my life actually feeling very, I had it feel like
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  I had this big void inside of me, and so I would shop, and I
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  would buy things, and I would have this momentary feeling of
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  feeling filled up, and my cup is full, and like a new piece of
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  clothing or this or that or new shoes or whatever it was, it was
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  often clothing, and i've I've had I've been in many situations
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  where I've maxed out credit cards and spent money that
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  wasn't mine, and then not being able to pay it back, and that is
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  not that's that's not helping the situation. That's not
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  something. This isn't a reason to now go out and get a credit
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  card and start spending ridiculously and spontaneously
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  on all these crazy things. It really isn't.
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  We need to still make wise decisions, and we still need to
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  check in with ourselves. And so this is us really checking in
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  with who we are and making decisions that are choices for
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  our highest good, and it making like a conscious decision rather
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  than automatically excluding yourself either. So there's this
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  beautiful balance in this dance that we do. So the other side of
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  it is, you know, because we can get stuck in the. Cycle. I know
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  I have done this in the past, where I've got stuck in that
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  cycle of thinking that I need all this money to improve
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  myself. But there's there's a lot of things that don't always
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  cost money or a lot of money. Like there's ways we can support
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  ourselves in this process where we can do things like finding
• 20:23
  free community resources, attending support groups, going
• 20:28
  for a walk. There's your journal, resting, borrowing a
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  book, listen to this podcast or a podcast, speak honestly with a
• 20:39
  friend, make the medical appointment available through
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  your healthcare system.
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  Create a boundary to stop doing something that was never yours
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  to carry. That's a huge one. So money can expand access to
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  support, but the first shift is often recognizing that support
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  is allowed. Okay, let's have a look at how short-term fear,
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  looking at short-term fear and long-term truth. So this is
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  another. I'm just offering you something here so we can flip
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  the narrative again. So short-term thinking asks what
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  will this cost me today. Long-term thinking also asks,
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  "What could this give back in my life? So again, like I said in
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  the previous episodes, we're flipping the narrative, we're
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  changing the question, we're just asking different questions,
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  and we're getting a completely different answer when we do
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  this. So by doing that, when we say, "What would this give back
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  to my life? instead of going, "What will this cost me today?
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  So that's like the negative. We're going to switch that to a
• 21:50
  more positive. What could this give back to my life? More
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  energy, clearer decisions, a stronger relationship with my
• 21:59
  body, greater confidence, less resentment, more presence, a
• 22:06
  return to creativity. Wouldn't that be lovely? And a sense of
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  possibility. Sometimes taking an hour for yourself feels selfish
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  because you are only measuring what others lose during that
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  hour.
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  Again, switching the positive to the negative, so it's
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  retraining. We're retraining our whole system. It's not just our
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  neural pathways in our brain. We're training our bodies to
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  respond. You are not measuring what becomes possible when you
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  return more confident, resourced, and alive. So an
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  empowered decision is not always yes. Sometimes it's a no.
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  Sometimes it's not yet. Sometimes it is I need more
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  information. I need to discuss this with my partner. I need a
• 22:58
  payment plan. I need a different form of support. I am not ready
• 23:05
  for that step, but I am ready for this one. Let's say I'm not
• 23:09
  ready for this X step. I'm ready for this one. So I've put
• 23:13
  together four questions you can ask yourself, and I'll pop these
• 23:19
  in the show notes as well. All of this will be there for you.
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  Those four questions: When you believe there's no room for
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  yourself, ask. And if some of you are following along, I'll go
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  a little bit slower.
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  I do sometimes have a tendency to get excited when I speak and
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  speak a little bit fast. So, number one: What support do I
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  really have but have not asked for? What standard could I lower
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  without anything terrible happening? What responsibility
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  am I carrying that could be shared? What is one form of
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  support I can honestly choose now? And so that next step
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  doesn't have to be an expensive one, and it doesn't need to be
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  dramatic. It just needs to be honest and truthful for you, and
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  in alignment for where you are now. And now a little reflection
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  for you. Complete this sentence for those that have been
• 24:29
  following along. The space I am ready to reclaim is. You just
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  add your words in there. The space I am ready to reclaim is,
• 24:45
  and some examples it might be your physical space. You might
• 24:49
  just be reclaiming the physicality of where you are,
• 24:54
  time, creative space, emotional space. You might.
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  Reclaiming a morning or an evening, or a conversation that
• 25:04
  you've been longing for, a part of yourself that has been
• 25:09
  waiting. What would it mean to stop treating your own presence
• 25:14
  as the least important item on your list? And so today, the
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  space I am ready to reclaim is, and let it be your declaration,
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  not a demand that you transform your whole life overnight. So
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  we're not we're avoiding all of that. We're not doing that.
• 25:38
  We're not pulling the rug. It's just a beginning. You'll find
• 25:43
  the community link to Sacred She Reset Circle if you'd like to
• 25:48
  join, and maybe you'd like to share in the community or reach
• 25:55
  out or put some comments here. But everything will be in the
• 25:58
  show notes. It has been an honor reclaiming and making the
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  declarations with you today. I hope this has been helpful, and
• 26:08
  I look forward to be spending time with you next time. Bye for
• 26:11
  now.