Latest / Hey Hana / The Death of the Ick

Transcript

The Death of the Ick · Hey Hana

0:04
SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone, welcome into Hey Hannah.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: Happy midweek, everyone.
0:12
SPEAKER_00: I'm coming to you sitting on a couch in the middle of nap time.
0:16
SPEAKER_00: They call this nap trapped, right?
0:18
SPEAKER_00: I actually don't feel nap trapped when she's napping in another room and I'm watching her on the monitor.
0:23
SPEAKER_00: You're really only trapped when you're holding them during a nap.
0:27
SPEAKER_00: And luckily, I feel like we've made it through a whole other life since I talked to you guys last.
0:32
SPEAKER_00: Only last week.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: Last week I was talking about the newborn trenches and how everything was definitely not easy.
0:38
SPEAKER_00: And how Peter and I were, how do I politely say, in the pit a little bit, you know?
0:45
SPEAKER_00: But this week, I feel like we're back on track in the weirdest way.
0:49
SPEAKER_00: This goes for everyone in life.
0:50
SPEAKER_00: I feel like we have up weeks and down weeks.
0:53
SPEAKER_00: Last week, down week.
0:54
SPEAKER_00: This week, up week in terms of parenting, you know?
0:57
SPEAKER_00: We hit a huge milestone.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: Are you ready for this, guys?
1:00
SPEAKER_00: She slept five hours.
1:04
SPEAKER_00: I mean, not to brag, not to brag.
1:07
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what we did wrong, I don't know what we did right.
1:09
SPEAKER_00: I'll never know.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: But one day this week she slept five hours.
1:13
SPEAKER_00: And for that, I'll be eternally grateful.
1:15
SPEAKER_00: That alone made me want to go frolic through an open field, just like throwing petals in the air.
1:21
SPEAKER_00: But now we're pretty much on a schedule where she's sleeping in four-hour chunks.
1:24
SPEAKER_00: You know, it's like four hours to start the night, then it's three hours, then it's two hours, whatever.
1:29
SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, those first four hours, like I could kiss the ground.
1:34
SPEAKER_00: There's been a few mornings where I've woken up and I've been like, Peter, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: I could work with this.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: I could work with a four-hour stint to start the night.
1:45
SPEAKER_00: That makes me feel alive.
1:46
SPEAKER_00: And then getting a few hours after that, bada bing, bada boom.
1:50
SPEAKER_00: But how I know how quickly things turn because last week I was talking about the trenches and how we couldn't sleep and we had a few bad nights and da-da-da-da-da.
1:59
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe, just maybe, this entire thing is me just getting used to it.
2:02
SPEAKER_00: It very possibly could be that.
2:04
SPEAKER_00: Last night we went to go say goodbye to a friend who's moving.
2:08
SPEAKER_00: She had a going-away dinner.
2:09
SPEAKER_00: And I was already on the road with Andy a little bit that day.
2:12
SPEAKER_00: Like I had run some errands, gone to the gym.
2:15
SPEAKER_00: And so I knew getting her back in the car and driving across town for dinner, aka during witching hour, and then back home was going to be, how do I say this?
2:25
SPEAKER_00: Not great.
2:26
SPEAKER_00: But we decided this person's important.
2:28
SPEAKER_00: We gotta go say goodbye.
2:29
SPEAKER_00: We gotta do the dinner.
2:30
SPEAKER_00: We said we would.
2:31
SPEAKER_00: So we drive across town, everything is great.
2:34
SPEAKER_00: We get to dinner, we're having a nice dinner.
2:37
SPEAKER_00: It was like the minute, and Peter and I eat in shifts right now.
2:41
SPEAKER_00: Like he's holding the baby, I scarf my food down.
2:44
SPEAKER_00: Then I hold the baby, he scarfs his food down.
2:46
SPEAKER_00: The minute he passes the baby over to me, we were like, oh no, things are looking a little grim for us.
2:52
SPEAKER_00: I go into the other room, try to nurse her.
2:54
SPEAKER_00: And then suddenly we were at zero to 60.
2:56
SPEAKER_00: We were like, we have to leave.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry, we have to leave.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: The baby was so loud.
3:00
SPEAKER_00: We're the only parents there.
3:01
SPEAKER_00: So we just felt like, oh my God, this is too much for everyone, everyone's virgin ears.
3:06
SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry that you have to listen to this baby crying during dinner.
3:09
SPEAKER_00: So we went home.
3:10
SPEAKER_00: But then we had to do that thing where you pulled, we pulled over on the side of the road, like a safe and quiet road, just to get out of the car with her and try to like calm her down.
3:20
SPEAKER_00: So those are still happening, just like they did the last time I spoke to you guys.
3:26
SPEAKER_00: The difference is that Peter and I know exactly when they're coming.
3:30
SPEAKER_00: We're like, oh no, we did too much today, or oh no, we were in the sun a little bit too long today.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: This evening's going to be tough.
3:36
SPEAKER_00: I was thinking last night while this was happening.
3:39
SPEAKER_00: I remember not having a child and sort of thinking to myself, like, but those parents who leave an event early, like, I'm not gonna be like that.
3:49
SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna let my kid tough it out, you know?
3:52
SPEAKER_00: It's part of life.
3:53
SPEAKER_00: They gotta get used to the sounds and the the people.
3:56
SPEAKER_00: And um, and now that I'm in it, I want to call those people and be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
4:02
SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry that I thought I was going to do anything different or better than truly anyone in my past.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: Because now I'm like, I want to call everyone and be like, I get it.
4:10
SPEAKER_00: I I totally get it.
4:12
SPEAKER_00: I get why some of my new mom friends don't want to leave the house.
4:14
SPEAKER_00: I get why sometimes you have to leave because it's too loud or the baby's overtired or they're overstimulated.
4:23
SPEAKER_00: I get that they have to leave because they were in the sun too long that day.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: Like all these lists of things that I'm just now discovering where I'm like, wow, I am humbled.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: I'm humbled.
4:33
SPEAKER_00: I think parenting in itself is humbling, right?
4:35
SPEAKER_00: That's what they say.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: But we're almost at two months old with our sweet girl.
4:40
SPEAKER_00: And everyone says it gets better day by day, week by week.
4:44
SPEAKER_00: And I am here to say that that is true.
4:47
SPEAKER_00: It's very true.
4:48
SPEAKER_00: She smiled.
4:49
SPEAKER_00: She's now at a point where she's like smiling at Peter and I every day.
4:53
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like on the ceiling with giddiness when it happens.
4:56
SPEAKER_00: But outside of that, the month of May is already flying by, and I'm a little bit like, okay, we have to slow down.
5:02
SPEAKER_00: We have to pause.
5:03
SPEAKER_00: Peter said this today, and I agree.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: He said that May is the best month, and we need to spend more time outside this month.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: And he's right.
5:09
SPEAKER_00: It's the month before it gets super hot.
5:11
SPEAKER_00: It's the beginning of the farmers markets, it's the beginning of spending the entire season outside and doing it before you have to avoid any time during the day.
5:20
SPEAKER_00: Like you could still be outside in the peak heat right now and have it be totally fun.
5:24
SPEAKER_00: We need to take advantage of that.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: It's also the month before everyone starts traveling and everybody's gone and everybody has their own summer schedules.
5:31
SPEAKER_00: So it's like trying to make all these fun plans with your friends, but also trying to relax and just enjoy the weather changes and some early summer nights.
5:39
SPEAKER_00: What else is going on?
5:41
SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's Mother's Day this weekend.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: You guys, I can't believe I'm about to have my first Mother's Day.
5:46
SPEAKER_00: I think this is the first time I'm saying that out loud, but that's crazy.
5:49
SPEAKER_00: I need a minute to digest that information.
5:52
SPEAKER_00: How does one celebrate Mother's Day with the newborn?
5:55
SPEAKER_00: I've always come from the house that like in my house growing up, we did the thing where on Mother's Day or Father's Day, you like wake up early and make breakfast with your mom and then you present it to your dad for Father's Day.
6:08
SPEAKER_00: Like you do breakfast in bed or something.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: And you do that when you're little.
6:12
SPEAKER_00: But I remember doing that for like the first 10, 12 years of my life.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: It was like getting up early and trying to make breakfast with one of my parents to celebrate the other parent.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: But with a newborn, I'm like, well, I don't even know what we're gonna do.
6:24
SPEAKER_00: Like, what are you supposed to do to celebrate Mother's Day, anyways?
6:27
SPEAKER_00: Like you go to breakfast, you see the family.
6:30
SPEAKER_00: I kind of just want to do like a big that nothing.
6:33
SPEAKER_00: I haven't even really thought about it yet, but like, what else is more beautiful than a Sunday of rest?
6:39
SPEAKER_00: A quiet Sunday.
6:40
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
6:41
SPEAKER_00: I don't know why I just feel like I'm speaking for moms everywhere when I say that.
6:44
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, let's make no plans, actually.
6:47
SPEAKER_00: Let's do nothing.
6:48
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, Mother's Day gets a lot of hype.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: It's one of those big hallmark holidays, but this will be my first time experiencing it on the other side.
6:56
SPEAKER_00: And yeah, I feel so weird.
6:58
SPEAKER_00: I mean, really, it's like you don't need anything.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: Every new mom just wants a happy, healthy, sleeping baby.
7:04
SPEAKER_00: And that's it.
7:05
SPEAKER_00: You can't buy those things.
7:06
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I don't know what we're gonna do.
7:07
SPEAKER_00: Let me know if you guys have any Mother's Day ideas.
7:09
SPEAKER_00: Is there like a fun tradition we should start?
7:12
SPEAKER_00: Or like a fun family thing we could do, even as just like our new family here.
7:16
SPEAKER_00: I'm open to some ideas.
7:17
SPEAKER_00: I also think Mother's Day is a little bit like Valentine's Day, where like you don't really need a whole day.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: You just need like an hour, something, maybe a few flowers.
7:24
SPEAKER_00: And where does the Mother's Day line end?
7:27
SPEAKER_00: Because really, we know that there's so many versions, and I'm not saying this to be cheesy, but there's so many versions of a woman that deserve to be celebrated, whether or not they have like an official mom title or not.
7:39
SPEAKER_00: How do I say this?
7:40
SPEAKER_00: Our grandmas, the aunts and cousins in our lives that have made a huge difference in raising us and being a part of that village, but they're not necessarily like the mother role in your life, but they're still a motherly figure, you know?
7:53
SPEAKER_00: I always think about that, or like the people who are devoted to being animal moms their whole lives.
7:59
SPEAKER_00: Like, I just feel like the limit on Mother's Day should not exist.
8:03
SPEAKER_00: Everyone should get an hour.
8:05
SPEAKER_00: Everyone should do a little something to have a moment of peace on Sunday.
8:09
SPEAKER_00: The line should not be drawn just at textbook mothers.
8:13
SPEAKER_00: Does that make any sense?
8:14
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I feel like we have so many important people in our lives.
8:17
SPEAKER_00: I used to say this about Valentine's Day.
8:18
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'd be like, why do why do I have to celebrate like a like a love as in a romantic partner?
8:23
SPEAKER_00: Like, why not celebrate all your friendships or something?
8:26
SPEAKER_00: You know?
8:26
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes these holidays make things so like you have to fit into this bucket to be celebrated.
8:32
SPEAKER_00: And it's like, no, sorry.
8:34
SPEAKER_00: Not in the mood for your bucket.
8:36
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, speaking of, it's my first time being in that bucket.
8:39
SPEAKER_00: So that'll be fun.
8:41
SPEAKER_00: Who knows?
8:42
SPEAKER_00: I think it'll be really fun when I have like this little piglet running into my room with some hot coffee and some fresh pancakes that she'll just be spilling everywhere, bringing to my bed.
8:52
SPEAKER_00: I look forward to those days.
8:53
SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, I'm on the weirdest rant.
8:55
SPEAKER_00: Quick TV update.
8:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm still over here stressed out about Summer House.
8:59
SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you, day after day, we are getting hit with information that is too much for me to comprehend.
9:05
SPEAKER_00: I just saw something about like West had some photos leaked.
9:08
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I can't.
9:09
SPEAKER_00: I can't.
9:10
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what these people are doing.
9:12
SPEAKER_00: Air the reunion already.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: Like, we gotta see it happen.
9:16
SPEAKER_00: And the editors are almost playing with us now.
9:18
SPEAKER_00: Like they clearly went back into the editing room and moved around some old clips.
9:21
SPEAKER_00: In doing that, they have really made it seem like this relationship between Amanda and West started before everyone claims that it started.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: Now I'm gonna listen to the masses.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: Like I'm gonna listen to what Sierra and Jesse Solomon and Carl have pieced together.
9:38
SPEAKER_00: Totally trust them as sources.
9:40
SPEAKER_00: But these editors are having a good time.
9:41
SPEAKER_00: They really are making it seem like just in this past episode, it was Carl was doing his launch at Softbar, and at the very end, it showed Amanda being surprised that West and Sierra were gonna go on a double date with Ben and his girlfriend afterwards.
9:56
SPEAKER_00: And her reaction just seemed a little bit disappointed.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, she has a crush on him and she's annoyed that he's going out with Sierra after Carl's party.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: But are we all looking at this differently because we know exactly what happened at the other side?
10:07
SPEAKER_00: Probably.
10:08
SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, we find out some of the stuff at the reunion.
10:10
SPEAKER_00: I could not believe the reunion leaks.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: I listened to the first one, just like the rest of the world.
10:14
SPEAKER_00: When the other two came out, I was like, okay, now this is like too much of a good thing.
10:18
SPEAKER_00: I don't even want to know.
10:18
SPEAKER_00: I'd rather watch the entire thing live.
10:20
SPEAKER_00: And I just have to say this.
10:22
SPEAKER_00: I was in TV for 10 years.
10:23
SPEAKER_00: I have worked in studios and control rooms and all of that.
10:28
SPEAKER_00: It was so evident to me when I listened to it.
10:30
SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, this is someone on staff.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: Because you could hear them giggle.
10:33
SPEAKER_00: But I really think that whoever did that didn't understand the gravity of what they were doing when they were recording, like how illegal and how screwed up it is.
10:44
SPEAKER_00: They probably just thought, like, oh, this is some tea.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: It was probably some production assistant getting excited that they got booked on that gig and wanted to send that to their friends.
10:54
SPEAKER_00: And one of their friends leaked it.
10:55
SPEAKER_00: I can't imagine it was somebody who really had the intention of going in there, recording it, and then leaking it to TMZ or something like that.
11:02
SPEAKER_00: I just think the people in control rooms are so much fun.
11:04
SPEAKER_00: Like I, when you're on set and you can hear them in your ear, it's always the best people.
11:10
SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna think that this person didn't intentionally do that.
11:14
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, the leaks kept coming, which was a shame.
11:17
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you guys heard the rest of those, but I was trying really hard not to get too many spoilers.
11:21
SPEAKER_00: But it was cute to watch Carl's soft bar opening.
11:23
SPEAKER_00: The only part of the episode that made me want to like close my eyes and cover my ears was when we saw Lindsay talking to Carl's mom.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: Oh my Lanta, talk about the most awkward conversation I've ever seen aired.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: I love Lindsay.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: She tried really hard to be polite, but she was so deeply uncomfortable.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: And Carl's mom is just being a mom.
11:45
SPEAKER_00: Like she's just trying her best to say hello and show that she cares.
11:49
SPEAKER_00: I wish Lindsay could have met her a little bit more in the middle.
11:52
SPEAKER_00: You probably don't even notice in the moment, but it's so awkward when somebody compliments you.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: I think she said something like, Oh, I love your short hair, or I love your blouse, or you look great after having a baby.
12:01
SPEAKER_00: And Lindsay's just like, thank you, thank you, thank you.
12:04
SPEAKER_00: I'm so the opposite.
12:05
SPEAKER_00: Like I will compliment some.
12:06
SPEAKER_00: If someone compliments me, I will hit them with like three more compliments back because I'm thinking them all.
12:10
SPEAKER_00: I might as well just say them out loud, you know?
12:12
SPEAKER_00: It's like girl to girl, nice thing to do.
12:14
SPEAKER_00: Lindsay clearly was not wanting to give that warmth off.
12:19
SPEAKER_00: And that was really evident.
12:20
SPEAKER_00: That was that was a hard watch.
12:22
SPEAKER_00: Oh, I finally started watching Neighbors and Friends, Friends and Neighbors.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what it's called.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: It's on Apple TV Plus with John Hamm, Olivia Munn, Amanda Pete.
12:31
SPEAKER_00: It's a great show.
12:32
SPEAKER_00: Peter and I got into it last season and we totally forgot that it was already back.
12:35
SPEAKER_00: Season two is a totally different ball game, but they did a good job of keeping us on our toes so far.
12:41
SPEAKER_00: We've only watched a few episodes, but we're invested.
12:44
SPEAKER_00: Oh, and I also just saw a rumor today that according to reports, so we don't know if this is actually happening yet, but according to reports, they are gonna air Taylor Frankie Paul's season of The Bachelorette this summer.
12:56
SPEAKER_00: Now, don't quote me on this because again, again, this is like all hearsay, but can you guys imagine?
13:02
SPEAKER_00: I think at first, after hearing all the news, I was like, I'm not watching this, like, I'm not gonna do that.
13:07
SPEAKER_00: And now I'm like, oh, heck yeah, let's turn it on.
13:11
SPEAKER_00: The only thing is we know all of the spoilers.
13:14
SPEAKER_00: All the spoilers were already released.
13:16
SPEAKER_00: And I think these guys who won have probably gotten some sort of attention.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: I did not look at them.
13:21
SPEAKER_00: I don't remember Jeff or Joe or whoever the heck won anything.
13:24
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know who's keeping track of who won.
13:26
SPEAKER_00: Like, I could never remember the names of these guys or which ones were the first to go or the last to leave, whatever.
13:32
SPEAKER_00: But I do know that before I knew what was going on with her, I was really excited to watch the season.
13:37
SPEAKER_00: After hearing about everything that went down, I'm like, okay, you know what?
13:41
SPEAKER_00: It's probably for the best that this didn't air.
13:43
SPEAKER_00: Clearly, she has been going through it and she's working on some stuff and she's going through a hard time.
13:47
SPEAKER_00: And maybe we shouldn't be like shining a spotlight on like a super personal part of her life.
13:53
SPEAKER_00: But now that the dust has settled a little bit, I'm like, you know what?
13:57
SPEAKER_00: Throw it on in the summer.
13:59
SPEAKER_00: Why not?
14:00
SPEAKER_00: I would totally tune in.
14:02
SPEAKER_00: If this was true, the only thing is I think this would mean that they are not doing Bachelor in Paradise.
14:07
SPEAKER_00: Because don't they air that in the summer?
14:10
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe they film that in the summer and they air it in like August.
14:13
SPEAKER_00: Ugh, I can't keep track.
14:15
SPEAKER_00: ABC has switched their game up so many times, but I was looking forward to having a season that was really talked about in the Bachelor franchise because that has not happened in what feels like a decade.
14:26
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I haven't watched the show since like Hannah Brown era.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: And I think I'm speaking for the majority of people that it just like we haven't tuned in or really watched in a long time.
14:35
SPEAKER_00: So who knows?
14:37
SPEAKER_00: I'll keep my eyes peeled.
14:40
SPEAKER_00: Okay, jumping into the real reason we're here.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: The thing I wanted to talk about this week is I feel like I've done some vague catch-ups lately, and I wanted to hone in on something that I keep seeing on TikTok, and I can't stop thinking about it.
14:52
SPEAKER_00: You guys know I'm up at all hours of the night right now in my life, and I this is something that I just keep thinking, how are we still doing this?
14:58
SPEAKER_00: Why is this still a thing?
15:00
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to talk about how often people are using icks in their dating and why I think this needs to be done.
15:07
SPEAKER_00: Icks have gotta go.
15:08
SPEAKER_00: I let's hold a funeral for all of the icks we've held in our lives.
15:11
SPEAKER_00: We all have had them.
15:12
SPEAKER_00: We've all gone on dates where we're like, you know, you get that pit in your stomach, you get icked out by someone, and you're like, no, I'm not into them.
15:19
SPEAKER_00: But looking at social media and seeing how much people are talking about like, what are your biggest icks or random things guys do that give me the ick, or like, here's my ick list, or my new ick of the week, or something like that.
15:31
SPEAKER_00: I just think that we should be done.
15:33
SPEAKER_00: We've gone too far with the icks in the dating world and we're out of control.
15:37
SPEAKER_00: Especially I'm speaking to girls, like especially speaking to some of the women.
15:42
SPEAKER_00: We've taken it too far.
15:43
SPEAKER_00: I think it started as, you know, like a funny observation culture type thing, like on TikTok talking about okay, here are my top three icks.
15:51
SPEAKER_00: It's like a funny trend, but somehow it's become an a serious reason to sort of like disqualify genuinely good people over just being a person, like you know, just complete human behavior.
16:06
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we all act like weirdos, sometimes we all do like weird, dumb stuff.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: And I don't think it should be counted as like a full ick.
16:13
SPEAKER_00: And let me just say, I do think the ick sometimes is an intuition.
16:18
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes someone genuinely turns you off because you know, you could feel like, all right, I'm not into this person.
16:23
SPEAKER_00: You see them do something and you're like, okay, you know what?
16:25
SPEAKER_00: I don't like this.
16:26
SPEAKER_00: But I think the internet culture took this step just a little too far.
16:31
SPEAKER_00: And now we've turned this into sort of what you would call like a dating philosophy.
16:35
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, if he wears flip-flops, that's an ick or whatever the heck it is.
16:39
SPEAKER_00: Now trust me, I don't love a guy wearing flip-flops either.
16:42
SPEAKER_00: But Peter has flip-flops.
16:43
SPEAKER_00: Peter wears flip-flops.
16:45
SPEAKER_00: I'm still in love with Peter.
16:46
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
16:47
SPEAKER_00: I think that these icks are used as a way to cross someone off your list instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt and just letting them be a person.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: So I'm taking a deep dive into this.
16:58
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna talk about the three reasons why I think the ick should be dead.
17:01
SPEAKER_00: The first one is exactly what I just said.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: The ick is confusing the idea of just someone being a person with incompatibility.
17:09
SPEAKER_00: You see a guy do the thing on your ick list and you're like, oh no, I can't date him.
17:13
SPEAKER_00: It feels like we are sometimes hyper-analyzing normal human behavior instead of just like, is this person kind?
17:23
SPEAKER_00: Are they consistent?
17:24
SPEAKER_00: Are they honest?
17:25
SPEAKER_00: Do they actually care about me?
17:26
SPEAKER_00: And if you're not into them, great, cool.
17:29
SPEAKER_00: You should obviously follow the feeling if you're not into them.
17:32
SPEAKER_00: That's so important.
17:34
SPEAKER_00: But let me just explain: if you're not into someone, of course you're gonna get icked out by them.
17:38
SPEAKER_00: Of course you're gonna be like, oh no, I'm not into the vibe that they did this, this, and this.
17:42
SPEAKER_00: I think it just comes off like mean girlish if you're out here like listing your icks all the time.
17:48
SPEAKER_00: And and it's one thing if you're talking to your girlfriends and you're like, yeah, I was icked out by this.
17:53
SPEAKER_00: But it's another thing if you're really keeping tabs and using them against guys all the time.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: Of course, there's certain things that you may not like about a guy.
18:00
SPEAKER_00: And if you get really turned off, like you get that ick, it's just your brain's way of telling you, like, oh yeah, you're, you know, you're probably not into this guy.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: But the bashing of just simple things to me is gotten a little out of hand.
18:17
SPEAKER_00: It feels like a harsh rejection over moments that are literally just like awkwardness or nerves on a first date or or like enthusiasm, like someone being really excited about something, or maybe a guy is just showing a lot of effort, like that is apparently icky.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: I've seen girls talk about how that's icky.
18:34
SPEAKER_00: A guy being like really sincere, or again, just being a human.
18:38
SPEAKER_00: The reason why I say that culture has confused being a person and humanity with incompatibility.
18:45
SPEAKER_00: I'm having a hard time saying that word, by the way.
18:47
SPEAKER_00: Incompatibility.
18:48
SPEAKER_00: Am I saying that right?
18:49
SPEAKER_00: My point is that dating requires witnessing someone being a fool.
18:54
SPEAKER_00: Like writ witnessing someone being a little bit of an idiot.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: It's a part of dating that makes it so sweet and so like funny and awkward and lighthearted.
19:05
SPEAKER_00: It's the entire reason rom-coms exist, by the way.
19:07
SPEAKER_00: Like every part of a rom-com, there's someone being nutty and like it being a cute little whimsical thing that this person does, and you just like fall in love with their silly little trait, you know?
19:17
SPEAKER_00: But in our society, we've sort of pointed the finger at it and made it like an a negative thing.
19:22
SPEAKER_00: Like someone tripping or running weird or laughing too loud or fumbling their words.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: Like these are all things that just happen on dates.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: And they should happen because that's what people do.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: Of course, your dates are gonna be cringe.
19:34
SPEAKER_00: Of course, you're gonna have moments where you do something cringy or the person you're dating does something cringy.
19:41
SPEAKER_00: But it doesn't mean that you guys are not compatible.
19:43
SPEAKER_00: Like it doesn't mean that that person should be checked off the list.
19:48
SPEAKER_00: I think that some of the best people that we meet and some of the best relationships we have, if you look at them in hindsight, it was probably a little awkward to start.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: It was probably a little bumpy.
19:57
SPEAKER_00: Someone being uncool or doing something that's not your favorite thing for five seconds should not outweigh their character or them being just like a loving, caring person.
20:12
SPEAKER_00: And listen, if they're not a loving, caring person and they have a crap character, then like, you know, eliminate what I'm saying altogether.
20:21
SPEAKER_00: It's not about those people.
20:22
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the people that feel the pressure of not being anything on the ick list.
20:27
SPEAKER_00: Think about if the roles were reversed.
20:29
SPEAKER_00: Like, there's so many women out there talking about the icks of guys all the time.
20:33
SPEAKER_00: I don't see a ton of men talking about female icks, but the minute you hear any ick on your side of the ball, it's like, oh shoot, you want to perform well.
20:43
SPEAKER_00: It makes you feel like, okay, I need to make sure I don't hit any of those marks in any of my dates.
20:50
SPEAKER_00: It makes everything a little bit more difficult.
20:52
SPEAKER_00: It puts even more pressure on the dating process.
20:54
SPEAKER_00: I just think we've lost perspective on what actually matters long term.
20:58
SPEAKER_00: And all of these like little silly goose ics are fun to talk about with your close girlfriend.
21:02
SPEAKER_00: And you could riff on, like, oh yeah, I wasn't into them because they did this thing or whatever.
21:06
SPEAKER_00: What I'm trying to say here though is that some of those things that we're looking at, if you zoom out, it's really not a bad thing at all.
21:11
SPEAKER_00: And this brings me to my second point, which is that most icks are not evidence of who someone actually is.
21:16
SPEAKER_00: If you go to a regular ick list, you know what?
21:18
SPEAKER_00: Let me do that.
21:19
SPEAKER_00: Hold on.
21:20
SPEAKER_00: Um okay, looking at an Ick list, some of these, they're so funny.
21:26
SPEAKER_00: I understand that the ick was created to be funny with this too.
21:30
SPEAKER_00: Like I understand that this was like taken as a joke.
21:32
SPEAKER_00: I see it often in dating where someone will be sort of turned off by someone's small behavior.
21:38
SPEAKER_00: And that will give them permission to A, call this person out, or B, not call them out at all, and just call it quits.
21:45
SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
21:45
SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to see something small and think, okay, is this person for me?
21:50
SPEAKER_00: Is this not for me?
21:51
SPEAKER_00: But I think so often we're we're pursuing this perfection that doesn't exist, and it's eliminating any opportunity of someone trying.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Their best and acting a little dumb sometimes.
22:02
SPEAKER_00: Okay, here's some common icks, alright?
22:05
SPEAKER_00: Running to catch something, missing the trash can, wearing a backpack, typing too formally, dancing, coughing too much, ordering dessert, getting excited, waving, carrying groceries awkwardly, wearing headphones in the gym, trying a TikTok trend, taking selfies, wearing ankle socks, getting emotional during movies, singing in the car, checking directions, eating a banana, being bad at bowling, wearing a raincoat.
22:35
SPEAKER_00: Okay, see, like icks were made to initially be this like silly thing that you post on the internet.
22:39
SPEAKER_00: But I do believe that there are people out there who are saying, No, I can't date this guy, or I went on one date with him and he did this thing.
22:46
SPEAKER_00: And so now I'm done.
22:48
SPEAKER_00: I once had a friend told me that her ick was when a guy asked for a to-go box on a date because neither of them finished their food.
22:57
SPEAKER_00: Now you have to laugh at this because it is funny when you think about it.
23:01
SPEAKER_00: Like the minute someone says something's an ick, it's comical.
23:04
SPEAKER_00: You're like, oh my God, yeah, that I could see how that could be a little awkward or a little uncomfortable.
23:08
SPEAKER_00: But I just think about it from a guy's perspective.
23:10
SPEAKER_00: He's paying for the meal.
23:11
SPEAKER_00: He didn't finish his meal, he should take it home.
23:13
SPEAKER_00: What's the big deal?
23:14
SPEAKER_00: I think when you get into a serious relationship, you notice so many things that they do where you're like, wow, maybe if you did this at like onset of dating, I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have been obsessed with that little tidbit of yours.
23:28
SPEAKER_00: Or like I would have, I would have not been attracted to that thing.
23:31
SPEAKER_00: But because you love the person, you just sort of like give them grace and let them be them.
23:35
SPEAKER_00: And it eventually becomes one of the reasons why you love them.
23:38
SPEAKER_00: But it's this thing of not giving grace to everyone who's just trying to do their best and find someone.
23:44
SPEAKER_00: And I think I get frustrated when it comes to X is because it becomes a legitimate reason why you don't want to date someone.
23:51
SPEAKER_00: When I was single, I thought it was so hard to find someone who was good and kind and normal and wasn't dating 40 women at once and valued honesty and character and was humble.
24:04
SPEAKER_00: All of these personality traits that I thought were so hard to find.
24:09
SPEAKER_00: And so sometimes I think we could be on the quest for that, right?
24:13
SPEAKER_00: If you're single, you're obviously looking for someone who has a great character.
24:17
SPEAKER_00: But if they do one of these things on your ick list, it sometimes feels like, oh no, I can't like this person.
24:24
SPEAKER_00: I know I won't like this person.
24:25
SPEAKER_00: And you're sort of fighting this internal battle with yourself without realizing it.
24:30
SPEAKER_00: None of these icks tell you if someone is emotionally mature, if they're dependable, if they're trustworthy, if they're family-oriented.
24:37
SPEAKER_00: Like none of the icks help you figure out if this person's character is what you're looking for or not.
24:44
SPEAKER_00: They're just silly little isms.
24:46
SPEAKER_00: We're all looking at spotting these harmless quirks, and we're not actually spotting character.
24:52
SPEAKER_00: Like a guy awkwardly jogging across a parking lot tells me literally nothing about how he would treat a wife or how he would raise children.
24:59
SPEAKER_00: Again, yes, you're allowed to have some iksm and you're allowed to not like a guy, but it's that thing of knowing internally you don't like someone and just calling it that.
25:09
SPEAKER_00: We need more of just like not liking them.
25:12
SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
25:13
SPEAKER_00: I actually don't vibe with them.
25:14
SPEAKER_00: They're it's not my type of guy.
25:15
SPEAKER_00: I don't really know why.
25:16
SPEAKER_00: Moving on.
25:17
SPEAKER_00: It just it feels like internet culture and social media encourages the act of instant disqualification.
25:24
SPEAKER_00: Like if you fall into the category of these icks, you're instantly disqualified.
25:29
SPEAKER_00: And that leads me to my last point is that the ick is making everyone way more self-conscious and arguably less authentic in the dating world.
25:37
SPEAKER_00: It actually doesn't just affect dating, it affects how everyone just exists around each other.
25:42
SPEAKER_00: People are now afraid of looking eager or looking uncool, looking emotional, or just trying too hard or expressing themselves and being fully themselves.
25:52
SPEAKER_00: I just think that this leads to falling flat in dating culture, like leads to a flat, a funless dating culture.
25:59
SPEAKER_00: Think about watching a rom-com.
26:01
SPEAKER_00: If there is no quirkiness or nothing that's lovable and lighthearted in the rom-com, it's just like not that fun.
26:07
SPEAKER_00: It's the entire reason they exist.
26:09
SPEAKER_00: And by the way, I'm not talking about those new rom-coms.
26:11
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the old ones, the classics.
26:13
SPEAKER_00: They all revolve around vulnerability and being yourself.
26:17
SPEAKER_00: Everyone's so afraid of being embarrassed or embarrassing.
26:21
SPEAKER_00: So nobody knows how to truly be authentic.
26:23
SPEAKER_00: It's like, it's almost like the fear of giving someone the ick has made them more guarded, you know?
26:28
SPEAKER_00: You have to be vulnerable to be in a relationship and create intimacy.
26:33
SPEAKER_00: And that's what's attractive.
26:35
SPEAKER_00: You have to be authentic and different.
26:37
SPEAKER_00: Authenticity creates attraction.
26:40
SPEAKER_00: That in time becomes comfort.
26:42
SPEAKER_00: And that's where like your real relationship will unfold.
26:46
SPEAKER_00: That's where the chemistry takes place.
26:48
SPEAKER_00: This is a strange example, but I remember calling an ick on a situation with a guy that I didn't like.
26:53
SPEAKER_00: I remember I had gone on a few dates with this guy.
26:57
SPEAKER_00: I'm at his apartment.
26:58
SPEAKER_00: We're gonna watch a movie.
27:00
SPEAKER_00: He takes his shoes off and he's wearing the no-show socks.
27:03
SPEAKER_00: And I remember being like, ugh, I'm so icked out by his socks.
27:08
SPEAKER_00: And I remember going home and telling my friends that, like telling them, I don't think I like this guy.
27:13
SPEAKER_00: He was wearing no-show socks.
27:15
SPEAKER_00: He was wearing the type of socks that you, you know, the no-show socks that you wear.
27:18
SPEAKER_00: So when you wear a pair of sneakers, you can't see the socks.
27:21
SPEAKER_00: The truth, the truth, if I'm just being honest with myself, was that I did not like this guy.
27:26
SPEAKER_00: I was only going on this third date with him because he was persistent.
27:31
SPEAKER_00: He was a kind person.
27:32
SPEAKER_00: He checked some of the boxes, like he seemed like he had a good character.
27:35
SPEAKER_00: And I was just trying to give it a good, decent effort.
27:38
SPEAKER_00: But we didn't totally vibe.
27:40
SPEAKER_00: Like he just wasn't the type of guy I pictured myself with.
27:43
SPEAKER_00: And that's what it was.
27:44
SPEAKER_00: The ick thing has become a crutch of the real reason why we just don't like someone.
27:49
SPEAKER_00: That's why I keep going back to this thing.
27:50
SPEAKER_00: Like, it's okay not to just like someone.
27:52
SPEAKER_00: There's a huge potential that someone that you actually like will hit every single ick.
27:57
SPEAKER_00: And by the way, it's very possible that the person you really like in life, or the person that you love, or the person you end up dating, whatever that is, will go against everything you've ever said on your stupid ick list.
28:08
SPEAKER_00: Peter's a perfect example of this.
28:09
SPEAKER_00: He's gonna kill me, but um, Peter is obsessed with like toe separators.
28:13
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you guys know what that is.
28:15
SPEAKER_00: Like it's something I don't even I can't even get into the scientific reason of why separating your toes is something that calms you.
28:22
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
28:23
SPEAKER_00: I can't.
28:23
SPEAKER_00: He's he's the fitness body guy, right?
28:25
SPEAKER_00: But he he loves nothing.
28:29
SPEAKER_00: He's gonna kill me.
28:31
SPEAKER_00: He loves when he's relaxing to like keep his toes separated.
28:35
SPEAKER_00: It apparently will help you help your body relax, and it's good for your posture, all of this crazy stuff.
28:42
SPEAKER_00: So he has toe separators, so much so that he actually enjoys wearing toe socks because it keeps his toes separated longer.
28:50
SPEAKER_00: Okay, this is like a whole thing.
28:51
SPEAKER_00: Peter could write a book on your feet and how it affects your entire body, but that's a different story.
28:56
SPEAKER_00: The man wears toe socks.
28:58
SPEAKER_00: That's my point, okay?
28:59
SPEAKER_00: If I, in the early aughts of dating, saw him wearing toe socks, I would have been like, what the heck?
29:06
SPEAKER_00: I would have clocked it as something that was a little strange.
29:10
SPEAKER_00: Now, would I have stopped dating him because of it?
29:13
SPEAKER_00: No.
29:13
SPEAKER_00: Do I clown on him for it constantly?
29:15
SPEAKER_00: Of course.
29:16
SPEAKER_00: Do you know how annoying it is to do laundry with toe socks?
29:19
SPEAKER_00: I can't separate them.
29:20
SPEAKER_00: He gets mad at me because I'll give him two left toe socks.
29:22
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, that's your problem, sir.
29:24
SPEAKER_00: Stop buying toe socks.
29:26
SPEAKER_00: My socks don't have a partner for life.
29:28
SPEAKER_00: My socks are constantly flipping partners.
29:30
SPEAKER_00: It's much easier that way.
29:31
SPEAKER_00: My point is that some of these quirks are so harmless and so silly.
29:38
SPEAKER_00: Giving them any negative attention is just sort of eliminating part of who this person is.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: When in fact, you should just say what it is.
29:46
SPEAKER_00: By the way, I think it's funny that both of the stories I told are about socks.
29:50
SPEAKER_00: I swear I'm not particular about socks of any kind.
29:54
SPEAKER_00: I don't know where that came from.
29:55
SPEAKER_00: I think that the right person for you is never going to feel like this perfectly polished person who does everything well and never has something that you need to critique or have them work on.
30:05
SPEAKER_00: It's just sort of like giving grace to people on dates and giving grace to the fact that they're probably nervous, they're probably overthinking something.
30:15
SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's that thing of like, well, their last situationship, something that they did was an ick.
30:21
SPEAKER_00: And so now they're almost overdoing it the other way, and they're constantly thinking about this because they don't want to mess up.
30:28
SPEAKER_00: And so maybe they're giving you an ick that they didn't even have before that's not authentic to them, you know?
30:33
SPEAKER_00: I think the ick has just gone too far.
30:35
SPEAKER_00: And every time I see women posting about like, oh, here's my updated ick list.
30:40
SPEAKER_00: I'm just like, why?
30:41
SPEAKER_00: Why are we making people feel so small for just being stupid?
30:45
SPEAKER_00: It's okay to have weird preferences and to be just weird.
30:49
SPEAKER_00: I just, I guess I wanted to talk about this because I don't know when it got bad to be weird.
30:55
SPEAKER_00: And I think so many people are obsessed with the idea of being cool and you want to be the cool girl all the time.
31:02
SPEAKER_00: And duh, we all want to be.
31:04
SPEAKER_00: But that we're diminishing anyone who has anything that's seemingly uncool to us.
31:11
SPEAKER_00: It's like, no, no, no, I can't do that.
31:13
SPEAKER_00: I was so iged out by that.
31:14
SPEAKER_00: You're shining a negative light on something that's so authentic to that person.
31:18
SPEAKER_00: And it just doesn't work for you.
31:20
SPEAKER_00: There's a there's a lid for every pot.
31:22
SPEAKER_00: We just have to accept that something you are turned off on on a date just means that this is the wrong lid for your pot, you know?
31:29
SPEAKER_00: It shouldn't be an excuse to put this person down for something that's just normal and existing for them.
31:37
SPEAKER_00: I always say this more in life, like in work and relationships, everything.
31:40
SPEAKER_00: I just want to exist, you know, I want to do the things that I want to do and I want people to not be upset by them.
31:47
SPEAKER_00: The biggest flex you could have in life is just being authentic to yourself and being exactly how you want to be and doing all your weird, quirky things and feeling like you're in good company and like you have people who love and appreciate all of those quirks.
32:05
SPEAKER_00: The bottom line is that the internet has convinced us that the coolest person in the room is automatically the healthiest person to date or the best person to date.
32:16
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, why didn't I make this point sooner?
32:18
SPEAKER_00: The guy who doesn't hit anything on your Ick list probably sucks at dating.
32:24
SPEAKER_00: We assume that the coolest person, the person who doesn't have anything on the Ick list, is gonna be a good person to date, is gonna be healthy, is gonna have good character, is gonna be a safe place for us.
32:35
SPEAKER_00: And it's like, no, they probably won't be.
32:37
SPEAKER_00: It probably will be that guy who's carrying a backpack, you know?
32:40
SPEAKER_00: Maybe just date him and tell him later, like, hey, um, think maybe you don't need that backpack every day, you know?
32:47
SPEAKER_00: Or like go shopping.
32:48
SPEAKER_00: Maybe find him another bag to wear, that one that you like and that you're attracted to.
32:53
SPEAKER_00: Or you know what?
32:54
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you'll get to know them so much that you'll actually find that you adore that backpack.
32:58
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I see these Icklists and I'm like, good luck finding someone who doesn't have any of these things.
33:04
SPEAKER_00: Godspeed.
33:04
SPEAKER_00: Because they may exist and they may also be incredibly boring.
33:07
SPEAKER_00: Or they may exist and you may not vibe with them at all the same way you didn't vibe with the guy who was singing in the car.
33:13
SPEAKER_00: By the way, what the heck is wrong with singing in the car?
33:15
SPEAKER_00: Singing in the car is so fun.
33:17
SPEAKER_00: I think we just have to accept that eventually we're all gonna look ridiculous in front of the person that we love.
33:22
SPEAKER_00: We are, they are, it's the whole point.
33:24
SPEAKER_00: Like it's the entire reason that we have relationships.
33:27
SPEAKER_00: Like attracts like, silly attracts silly.
33:30
SPEAKER_00: We're all gonna find someone who fits the mold of who we are and all of our flaws and all of our weird icky quirks.
33:37
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so this was my talk on why I think the ick should be dead.
33:42
SPEAKER_00: And I'm so sorry if you're one of those people who writes lists of icks.
33:45
SPEAKER_00: I don't mean to come at you so hard.
33:46
SPEAKER_00: I'm just really hoping that we can all stop trying to find this like perfectly curated person and just have some emotional grace for these guys out here wearing backpacks and sticking in the car.
34:02
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so that was it for my rant.
34:04
SPEAKER_00: I just think we all need to touch grass a little bit and stop overanalyzing human behavior.
34:09
SPEAKER_00: Let's just go be normal.
34:10
SPEAKER_00: Let other people be normal too.
34:12
SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys so much for listening to another episode of Fangana.
34:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm wrapping it up here.
34:16
SPEAKER_00: I could really just keep talking about this, but I gotta cut it off.
34:20
SPEAKER_00: Thanks for always being along for these conversations, and I appreciate you guys listening so much more than you know.
34:25
SPEAKER_00: I'll talk to you guys next week.
34:26
SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.