Latest / Age Like a Badass Mother / Ep. 51: What I Wish I Knew at 50: An 81-Year-Old's Proven Toolkit for Life Renewal - Joan Moran

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Ep. 51: What I Wish I Knew at 50: An 81-Year-Old's Proven Toolkit for Life Renewal - Joan Moran · Age Like a Badass Mother

• 0:00
  Hello friend.
• 0:01
  This week, 81 year old author Joe Moran is going to share what she wishes she knew when she was 50 years old.
• 0:08
  She is absolutely showing us the way to age vibrantly and beautifully.
• 0:15
  I want to give a shout out to our listener Marie and Orcas Island, Washington, who shared how much she loved the podcast with Shane Martin last week.
• 0:23
  I appreciate you so much, Marie, and I appreciate every last one of you who listens or views.
• 0:31
  You will truly never know how much you mean to me, and I hope that you'll please keep sharing these episodes with your friends because you're helping us grow.
• 0:39
  And don't forget, you can watch on YouTube and drop a comment.
• 0:43
  I will absolutely answer you back.
• 0:46
  Thanks for listening.
• 0:47
  And now here's Joan.
• 0:50
  Hi friends, I'm Lauren Bernick and I'm flipping the script about growing older.
• 0:55
  My guests have been influencers since before that was even a thing.
• 1:00
  Welcome to the anti Anti-Aging podcast.
• 1:04
  Welcome to age like a badass mother.
• 1:09
  Joan Moran holds two master's degrees.
• 1:12
  Theater and education Joan founded and was the artistic director of Las Vegas's first year round theater.
• 1:19
  She is an author, motivational speaker, yoga and meditation instructor, and film producer.
• 1:26
  And she's just getting going at 81 years old.
• 1:29
  Joan began her writing journey with her memoir, 60 Sex and Tango Confessions of a Beatnik Boomer.
• 1:36
  Other books followed.
• 1:37
  I'm the Boss of Me.
• 1:38
  Stay sexy, smart, and Strong at Any Age.
• 1:41
  And an accidental Cuban thriller set in modern day Havana.
• 1:46
  The novel is currently in development for a streaming series.
• 1:50
  Her recently published book, Once a Homecoming Queen, is a darkly humorous take on senior alcoholism, which she also adapted into an award winning screenplay.
• 1:59
  Her latest book is a historical memoir of her mother, Suddenly Jewish The Life and Times of My Jewish Mother.
• 2:07
  This is Joan's second time on the podcast.
• 2:10
  Please welcome Joan Moran. Hello, Joan.
• 2:13
  Hello, Lauren.
• 2:13
  Thank you for having me on again.
• 2:16
  So much fun.
• 2:17
  That's why I have to come back.
• 2:19
  I know we we do have fun.
• 2:21
  And you live in Austin with me, so we also get to meet in person, so that's fun. Yes.
• 2:25
  So I want to talk a little bit about your books because.
• 2:29
  So what's going on with.
• 2:31
  I'm holding it up in case you're watching this on YouTube.
• 2:34
  We're Spotify.
• 2:35
  What's going on with once a homecoming queen?
• 2:38
  Well, I sometimes you have luck in Hollywood.
• 2:43
  Most of the time, you do not have any luck.
• 2:45
  So I had this screenplay, and, I was on a website that you could pitch the screenplay to, producers, literary agents.
• 2:54
  Just anybody in the film industry.
• 2:57
  Producers, companies. So I got lucky.
• 3:00
  I was about ready to get off of the of the.
• 3:02
  I'd won all these screenplay awards, and I wasn't getting it.
• 3:07
  Nobody was taking it. Oh, I love it, I love it, it's great. It's great.
• 3:10
  It's going to make a great movie or film, blah, blah blah.
• 3:12
  So this literary manager, I pitched it and she says, give me your three books.
• 3:16
  She was into what we call IPPs independent projects.
• 3:19
  So you adapt.
• 3:21
  This is the thing in Hollywood now.
• 3:22
  You're adapting movies from books.
• 3:25
  This is the new thing, but it's big.
• 3:28
  So she picked once a homecoming queen, and I just got news that she had pitched it to, production company, an agent and a actress's agent.
• 3:38
  And so everyone loves it, and they want to see the book.
• 3:40
  So we're kind of moving. We.
• 3:44
  She loves it.
• 3:45
  She just absolutely loves the story.
• 3:48
  And it's for a 75 year old woman that the woman is the lead.
• 3:51
  But, there's so many actresses out there that are fabulous to do it.
• 3:56
  So, you know, if you get the if you get the lead actress, you and get a deal, you're on your way.
• 4:03
  So I got Joan. That's so exciting.
• 4:05
  Who do you picture playing?
• 4:07
  Well, I wrote it with Glenn Close sitting next to me.
• 4:11
  That would mean, Well, I was like, damn hell.
• 4:14
  So you you picture of my pictures are Glenn Close?
• 4:17
  Yeah.
• 4:17
  I'm in fact, every one of those characters in the book I had in mind, they are based on people that I know, characters, the characters and, so I get, I get to talk, you know, to them, you know, it's kind of a funny kind of a situation, but you got this actress here, and this actress is delivering those lines, so.
• 4:38
  So you can picture it in your mind.
• 4:40
  Like who?
• 4:41
  Who's talking?
• 4:42
  Yeah.
• 4:43
  So that's where that is.
• 4:44
  And because it's, Because itself published.
• 4:48
  Because the publisher I had went, broke, right.
• 4:52
  And gave me the book back.
• 4:53
  We sort of had to start all over again and I had to put it up on Amazon, but it's fine.
• 4:58
  I got great reviews.
• 4:59
  People loved it. Yeah, it's a great book.
• 5:01
  You know, you just roll with the punches.
• 5:03
  I mean that's part of it.
• 5:05
  And then so your latest book suddenly Jewish The Life and Times of my Jewish Mother.
• 5:11
  I mean that's a crazy story.
• 5:12
  Can you just give us the version of what happened.
• 5:16
  Well, it's a saga.
• 5:17
  Let's put it that way.
• 5:18
  You know, when you write about family and legacy, you write about sagas.
• 5:21
  You know, you write in sort of a saga form.
• 5:24
  It starts in Odessa, Russia, in the Crimea, when my great great grandparents, had to leave because of a pogrom or, anti-Semitic.
• 5:33
  Cossacks came after them and, pushed them out.
• 5:39
  The usual story of the Jews. Yep.
• 5:41
  You know, so we, we we see them next in London, where he sets up a confectionary bakery.
• 5:50
  And then this sort of sprawling tragedy happens with her parent, with the my grandmother's parents.
• 5:56
  She was a child of of these people who moved to London, then from London, after this tragedy happened.
• 6:03
  I won't ruin it because it really kicks off the family and and the emotional, situation with the family.
• 6:10
  And they go and my grandmother Rose, goes to London.
• 6:15
  I mean, goes to Toronto, gets a job in the British embassy, and, she meets this guy who's a communist, is a Jew, but not a Jew.
• 6:24
  And she's religion is religious.
• 6:26
  So they they they have a problem.
• 6:30
  My grandmother gives birth to my mother and and my aunt, and, my grandfather was really an interesting guy, even though he was not, he was a genius.
• 6:42
  He actually created the original maiden form bra.
• 6:45
  The uplift bra.
• 6:46
  Really? Yeah, I thought I think that's funny.
• 6:48
  I think that's really fun.
• 6:49
  That's amazing.
• 6:50
  That's my fun thing.
• 6:52
  And then, they moved to New York.
• 6:55
  If he can't get, he can't get it together.
• 6:58
  He's an abuser. You.
• 7:00
  He will not let my grandmother, like the Friday night candles.
• 7:04
  He won't let her practice being a Jew.
• 7:05
  And my mother is very much influenced by this situation.
• 7:09
  This is why I'm going to get to it.
• 7:11
  Then they go to, they end up in San Francisco in the Fillmore District.
• 7:15
  She left the husband.
• 7:16
  She left my grandfather and moved there.
• 7:19
  And, my aunt, her aunt was there and living there.
• 7:23
  So the Fillmore district is a Jewish district in San Francisco.
• 7:27
  Started off that way with immigrants.
• 7:29
  San Francisco's got 11 districts and more immigrants.
• 7:32
  And you can shake a stick at who made that city fabulous.
• 7:35
  And, my mother never wanted to be a Jew.
• 7:38
  She never.
• 7:38
  She didn't want to be in the Fillmore.
• 7:40
  She didn't want to be it.
• 7:42
  Her whole thing was hide behind the mirrors.
• 7:45
  Nobody's going to know who I am, right?
• 7:47
  It's a story that's taken place in many families with people I have talked to.
• 7:51
  Everybody's got.
• 7:51
  Oh, I got one.
• 7:52
  Oh, you know, I got one. And this happens.
• 7:56
  So she hid her identity for her entire life.
• 8:00
  So you didn't know you were Jewish?
• 8:01
  Not until that, suddenly Jewish, right?
• 8:07
  Old. I'm going 19. 19.
• 8:10
  I'm going with a guy, a Jewish guy who was at Berkeley.
• 8:13
  We were Berkeley in the 60s. Both of us.
• 8:15
  He was a law student, was the best of times and, of course, the worst of times, because right in front of our very eyes, Kennedy was assassinated.
• 8:24
  And, this fellow I.
• 8:27
  Thy mother knew I was dating Jewish guy.
• 8:29
  She never.
• 8:30
  She didn't say anything.
• 8:31
  You know, she married a Catholic, and I was raised Catholic.
• 8:35
  So there was a there was a time in my family when, you know, it was like I went to Catholic school for 17 years.
• 8:42
  You know, I went to nursery school at the convent.
• 8:44
  It was bizarre.
• 8:46
  So, she tells I, she said, come to my room one day.
• 8:49
  And she said, I have to tell you something.
• 8:53
  And she said, your mother, your grandmother's Jewish.
• 8:56
  And I went, mom, it doesn't skip a generation for you.
• 8:59
  I know all that.
• 9:01
  And so you're Jewish, and now I'm suddenly Jewish.
• 9:07
  So what am I supposed to do with that?
• 9:09
  Right.
• 9:10
  I mean, you wanted to be a nun at some point in your life, I guess.
• 9:13
  And thank God my teacher talked me out of it.
• 9:16
  You wouldn't have been a great nun.
• 9:18
  I have to tell you, I don't think.
• 9:19
  No, I, I would have been hava been kicked out of the convent, I'm sure.
• 9:23
  But anyway, this is a story and it goes on and and there are all kinds of interesting things that happen with all the people in the, in the, in the book and, and how my mother at the end, woman who fought so hard not to be Jewish.
• 9:41
  Because she never wanted to be the other.
• 9:45
  Right. You don't be the other.
• 9:48
  And she made it on her own and she was a highly successful, highly motivated woman, a terrific role model for me.
• 9:57
  Yeah.
• 9:57
  There's one little thing that she could not acknowledge.
• 10:02
  But the end at the end you'll see there is a conclusion and it is a tear jerker at the end.
• 10:10
  You know, like I said, it's a great book.
• 10:12
  It's really interesting. And you're right.
• 10:15
  I mean, there were a lot of people who denied Judaism or just because, well, out of necessity, like, you know, so they didn't die or various reasons or like you said, they just wanted to assimilate and and be accepted and to go out in the modern world.
• 10:34
  There's just a book that's that I read about, from the, Jewish Book Council where I'm going to be pitching my story to these people, hopefully getting to tour and and speak on the book on the themes of the book.
• 10:48
  But there is a story that I just read.
• 10:51
  It was translated from Yiddish to English by this woman.
• 10:54
  It was written, a while ago.
• 10:56
  But it's the story of a family, in Poland, a very religious couple, five children.
• 11:03
  And each of those children left the pious, cloistered Jewish community and went on their own way, five children.
• 11:14
  And they'd come back and forth every now and then.
• 11:15
  But then this was pre-war.
• 11:17
  So the Holocaust came and they they went out in the world, but they they knew what was going to happen.
• 11:24
  They knew that there was going to be destruction and disaster.
• 11:27
  So, I mean, there bigger issues on this.
• 11:30
  And then the rise of anti-Semitism today.
• 11:33
  Yeah. Which is a concern.
• 11:35
  Yep. Yes it is.
• 11:37
  Anyway, that's that book that's great.
• 11:41
  Working on another one called up for your new one up for me.
• 11:45
  Well, up from hell.
• 11:47
  Up from hell story about this is fiction, right?
• 11:51
  Yes. In some ways in the story about small town police departments in Texas, north of Austin.
• 11:59
  Yeah, they have a history of things which and he, this, this fellow who comes from Las Vegas, he came from Las Vegas when he was eight years old because his mother was a heroin addict.
• 12:10
  And he had nobody would take him.
• 12:12
  So he ends up with his aunt in a town in Texas, very small, and wants to be a cop.
• 12:18
  And so this is about corruption in police departments.
• 12:22
  And, he never knew who his father was until he went back to his mother's funeral.
• 12:27
  And there was his father, Mafia, you and I.
• 12:33
  And you know something about Mafia, because I remember you told me in the first interview that the the Mafia financed your, theater company in Las Vegas.
• 12:43
  Well, my my ex-husband moved.
• 12:45
  Yeah, he he didn't want to work in San Francisco.
• 12:49
  He thought it didn't have anti-Semitism, elements of anti-Semitism.
• 12:53
  He was never going to make partner.
• 12:54
  And if he was a lawyer, right, as a lawyer.
• 12:57
  So he went to Vegas.
• 12:58
  There were some guys because he used to.
• 12:59
  He worked there during the summers, another guy from Philly, and they represented the mob.
• 13:04
  So I kind of, for about 18 years while I was there, I kind of grew up with the mob and of I'll tell you, everyone says, why did you write a book on that?
• 13:14
  I mean, that's so I didn't because Scorsese did the best movie of all.
• 13:19
  Yeah.
• 13:19
  Pacino, you and I knew all those guys in that film.
• 13:24
  Well, there wasn't anything more I had to say.
• 13:26
  Yeah, you know what?
• 13:27
  It that was kind of definitive, so I get that.
• 13:31
  But I mean, okay, this is what I love about this conversation so far, is that you are 81 years old and you are not slowing down in the least.
• 13:41
  And like, why should you?
• 13:42
  You're this beautiful, vibrant woman with so much life left that this is why I wanted to have you back.
• 13:50
  Because you're just an example of everything that you know I want to share with people in this world.
• 13:57
  Like, this is.
• 13:58
  This is what you can be.
• 13:58
  You don't have to slow down.
• 14:00
  You don't have to be on a walker and oxygen when you're 81.
• 14:04
  You like my mother was, you know, she just a chick.
• 14:08
  There's no way this woman could have gotten on a podcast.
• 14:10
  Like, to physically like she wouldn't have known how to get a link out of her email and get online.
• 14:17
  And just even simple things like that that, you know, I love that title of this podcast because, I was a badass mother, literally to two very interesting sons.
• 14:34
  Now I have five extremely interesting grandchildren that I adore and are so much a part of my life.
• 14:43
  And I and one of the ways that you keep young is that you you communicate with your family.
• 14:52
  Number one, I was thinking about what is the value, what are the values that will keep you young and and and family contact with family, knowing that you have, that that you have familia like Passover is coming, right?
• 15:09
  Yeah. Okay. I make the brisket.
• 15:11
  I do it every year, take it over to my family, and and it's all just warm and wonderful.
• 15:18
  You make the phone calls, you call the family that's not there.
• 15:21
  So I really feel that family keeps you young grandchildren do keep you young.
• 15:26
  They really are fabulous.
• 15:28
  And, and that's that's one that's kind of a number one on my list of, things to keep in mind from aging.
• 15:36
  So I'm going to be 82 in November.
• 15:38
  Wow. And I and I have a theory about age.
• 15:41
  It's only chronology.
• 15:43
  It has nothing to do with who you are, right?
• 15:45
  It's just chronology.
• 15:47
  You don't go around with this thing on your chest going, I'm 80 or you know, these, these things don't matter.
• 15:53
  They never matter.
• 15:54
  I was thinking about that last night when I was dancing the two step at the White Horse.
• 15:58
  I don't think.
• 15:59
  And I'm thinking, man, this is the most fun ever.
• 16:04
  I couldn't get up this morning very well because, you got up just fine.
• 16:08
  So. Yeah.
• 16:09
  You go dancing like, five nights a week, right?
• 16:11
  Yeah. Like, that's that's crazy. Yeah.
• 16:13
  So that's that's not for everyone.
• 16:15
  But take your Pilates.
• 16:17
  Take your you.
• 16:18
  I've been a yoga teacher for God knows how long, and then I just practice my own yoga.
• 16:22
  Now that's my thing.
• 16:23
  Or I walk or so physical exercise.
• 16:26
  Move move move move.
• 16:29
  That's that's another part that I love about, aging.
• 16:33
  Well, yeah.
• 16:34
  Moving and balance.
• 16:35
  I mean, I think that yoga. Really?
• 16:37
  Don't you think that yoga really keeps you young?
• 16:41
  We talked about this like you had the same theory because I had, yoga instructor a long time ago that said, you're only as young as your spine is flexible.
• 16:53
  And you said something similar to that, right?
• 16:56
  Right. Yeah.
• 16:57
  You're only you're only as as, old as the length of your spine.
• 17:02
  The straight line. Yeah. Right.
• 17:04
  Because we grow down, right?
• 17:06
  Oh, I'm seeing that.
• 17:07
  Yeah.
• 17:08
  My aunt is like, I could put her in my pocket.
• 17:11
  She's she's so tiny.
• 17:15
  And I know, like, I don't want that for myself.
• 17:18
  And also I remember that, so I've been practicing yoga since I was like in my mid 20s, so probably 30 years.
• 17:26
  And I remember after about ten years I went to the doctor and he was like, this is weird.
• 17:34
  You know, they measure you and I, he's like you.
• 17:36
  You used to be five two and a half.
• 17:38
  Now you're five foot three.
• 17:39
  And I was like, what?
• 17:41
  And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm stretching my spine in yoga.
• 17:44
  And I was like, I know exactly what it is.
• 17:46
  It's rabbit pose, you know, do you know rabbit poses curl up.
• 17:51
  It's like you curl up like a little snail on the floor and you put the crown of your head kind of, between your knees, and you pull on the back of your feet, and you, like, kind of give yourself traction. You just.
• 18:03
  I'm not explaining it very well, but you guys can Google rabbit pose and, not to be confused with your rabbit vibrator, everybody, but this is rabbit pose.
• 18:12
  And so you curl up like a little snail, and you stretch the back of your neck and your spine, and it's.
• 18:19
  I mean, well, do it all.
• 18:20
  This simple sun salutations will do it for you because you are anytime you're lengthening.
• 18:26
  And please don't bend your elbows. Please.
• 18:29
  What do you mean, bending elbows if you don't, what are you talking about in a chaturanga?
• 18:36
  No. No, just in life.
• 18:38
  Don't bend your elbows.
• 18:39
  And now, other words, when you older people have bent elbows, I don't know what can straighten them.
• 18:46
  Okay, so how do you avoid that?
• 18:47
  What do you mean? So what do you do?
• 18:49
  So you do yoga.
• 18:51
  You know, you do your down dog, but don't walk around like this.
• 18:54
  I had people who came into class who can't straighten their elbows.
• 18:59
  They're like this.
• 19:00
  Well, we're on a podcast, so talk about what you're doing.
• 19:03
  Oh. I'm just.
• 19:04
  Oh, okay.
• 19:05
  So you're just, you're you're elbows around.
• 19:08
  You cannot straighten them.
• 19:10
  You cannot straighten your elbows.
• 19:13
  That means your joints are back.
• 19:15
  Okay?
• 19:15
  So you should be able to bend your elbows.
• 19:18
  No, you should be able to straighten your elbows completely when you're doing your exercise.
• 19:22
  Yes. Okay. But okay.
• 19:23
  So you're okay. You're you're confusing me what you're saying.
• 19:26
  So you should be able to keep your elbows straight up over your head. Yes.
• 19:30
  Otherwise by doing yoga.
• 19:32
  Okay.
• 19:32
  There are older people that cannot straighten their arm.
• 19:35
  Oh, okay.
• 19:36
  Yeah.
• 19:37
  That means already it's contracting.
• 19:39
  Okay. Yeah.
• 19:41
  And you swim a lot too, right?
• 19:42
  Yes I do, that's good exercise, loves.
• 19:46
  I don't love swimming.
• 19:47
  I feel like it's so boring to me.
• 19:49
  What do you do?
• 19:51
  I guess the thing is I meditate.
• 19:53
  It's my meditation.
• 19:55
  Yeah, I love it.
• 19:57
  I know it's so good for you, but man, I've just never been able to get into it.
• 20:01
  But I. Yeah.
• 20:02
  So do you.
• 20:03
  Do you meditate also? Yeah.
• 20:06
  But I love it in the pool because I'm doing the I'm, you know I'm it's a rhythm the dance and sometimes I think of a, like a thing in my book.
• 20:16
  I have to figure out the next scene or what's the next scene or where would this character go, you know.
• 20:22
  Yeah, maybe I should be blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 20:25
  You know, I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm working on it.
• 20:28
  Whatever I need to work on, it doesn't work in intensive.
• 20:32
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• 21:04
  You can find this information in the show notes.
• 21:08
  are you dating anybody?
• 21:10
  You asked me that before.
• 21:13
  Not this time, I know.
• 21:15
  Yes, I'm seeing someone.
• 21:18
  We know you're seeing somebody that other people don't date.
• 21:22
  do you have sex? When I can get it?
• 21:25
  Yeah, that's the same answer where I can get it.
• 21:29
  Yeah.
• 21:31
  You know, there's all forms of intimacy.
• 21:33
  Yes, all kinds of intimacy.
• 21:34
  And you learn that, and you are happy with that.
• 21:37
  And it's about laughing and having fun and doing stuff.
• 21:41
  So, yes, you know, it's like I had a psychologist, he was, young in psychologists way back when I lived in, LA.
• 21:50
  And I love this guy. He was terrific.
• 21:53
  And he said to me, he asked me this great question, and I guess I can ask your listeners a question. The same question.
• 21:59
  What was the age when you were the most happy, And I love this question because I could answer it just like that.
• 22:08
  What?
• 22:08
  I can't even I don't know, you answer.
• 22:12
  What is it, 1980 19 Steely Dan?
• 22:15
  That's right. I love that's that's it.
• 22:17
  And that's how I met my husband at the time.
• 22:21
  And that's when life unfolded brilliantly for me on the campus of Berkeley.
• 22:29
  And that's exact.
• 22:30
  And I was so definitive and what I wanted to do in my life, and I was so joyous and I was, I was home, I was literally home physically, metaphorically.
• 22:42
  That was it.
• 22:44
  So it's a good question to ask yourself, when were you the most happy?
• 22:47
  You know, when you answered that, I think I actually have the same age, 19, because, that's when I moved in with my husband.
• 22:56
  We lived together in San before we got married.
• 22:59
  We had so damn much fun, and we were so in love.
• 23:04
  And it was like life was just spread out before you.
• 23:07
  You know what do you wish that you knew, like, at 50 or 60 about being 81?
• 23:16
  I just assumed I would be the same.
• 23:20
  I never had.
• 23:21
  I never thought I'd ever change.
• 23:23
  Hey, 19. I'm still that girl.
• 23:26
  Yeah, I know the snack.
• 23:28
  Going out dancing.
• 23:29
  You know, you literally are.
• 23:31
  But you know what? You're absolutely right.
• 23:33
  We had Doctor Ellen Langer on the show.
• 23:36
  Do you know who she is?
• 23:37
  No. She literally wrote the book on mindfulness.
• 23:41
  It's like 40 years ago.
• 23:42
  And, she was talking about thinking your way to chronic health and the.
• 23:47
  And she said people who expect to age.
• 23:51
  Well, age.
• 23:52
  Well, and just your proof of that, you just said that, I also think you have to have passion.
• 23:59
  So at 19, I had passion.
• 24:02
  And there was never a time in my life that I never that I ever it wasn't a time in my life that I lacked passion.
• 24:11
  Yeah, yeah.
• 24:13
  And I know it's my mother.
• 24:16
  Yes. My mother never.
• 24:18
  She was an incredible seamstress, but she was also a brilliant businesswoman, designer.
• 24:24
  She designed kitchens.
• 24:26
  She got her, master's degree.
• 24:28
  I heard that her masters, her, college degree when she was in her 50s and I was in high school, and we used to study together, and she was at San Francisco State, and she became summa cum laude, and, she and she only she knew how to.
• 24:45
  So that was not the point.
• 24:45
  That wasn't the point.
• 24:47
  The point where she needed to learn because they were remodeling houses.
• 24:50
  My mom and dad were just brilliant at that, at this.
• 24:53
  And they they knew how to do.
• 24:56
  My mother learned how to do kitchens.
• 24:58
  And I can remember I was this was green Bay, California, which is right next to my high school that I went to, which was Marine Catholic High School and, in Marin County.
• 25:07
  And, I was with my girlfriend and I were walking around the the apartments that she built.
• 25:13
  There were like five apartments in a country so incredible.
• 25:16
  And the woman comes out and they said, my mom, dad built these.
• 25:20
  And she said, best kitchen ever.
• 25:24
  The best moment of my life.
• 25:26
  So one of the so sweet I she did.
• 25:30
  Everyone loved her floor plans and and it's just one of those things that I remember about that woman who was so creative.
• 25:39
  Well, she never went out a day without exercise.
• 25:42
  She taught senior aerobics in Las Vegetable and they were tired.
• 25:46
  I mean, it was like this woman had energy to it.
• 25:50
  So, so much energy and so much creativity.
• 25:53
  And she was a pragmatist.
• 25:56
  And I always thought that that was the best way to go.
• 26:01
  You know what works works.
• 26:03
  She's just a pragmatist.
• 26:04
  And I asked her one day I said, are you do you have any religion?
• 26:08
  This was I was in high school and she was drilling me on my catechism.
• 26:11
  Funny, funny.
• 26:13
  And, you know, who was God?
• 26:15
  And God made me this kind of thing.
• 26:17
  And I said, you what are you?
• 26:19
  And she said, I'm nothing, dear, I'm nothing.
• 26:24
  I said, oh, well, why are you nothing?
• 26:28
  I mean, I couldn't understand it was not a concept I could understand.
• 26:32
  And she said, you come into this world and then you die.
• 26:37
  Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
• 26:41
  That she was a partner.
• 26:43
  She was.
• 26:44
  Well, she also was Jewish, which you'll find out later. So.
• 26:49
  So you used to write a blog, and then you turned it into a book that was called sexy, smart and Strong.
• 26:55
  What was I?
• 26:56
  I'm the boss of me.
• 26:58
  I'm the boss of me. Okay?
• 26:59
  Be smart and strong at any age, okay?
• 27:02
  I, I became a blogger and a motivational speaker.
• 27:05
  So those 300 blogs I wrote, I came to us and I said, oh my God, I have all these blogs.
• 27:09
  What am I going to do with them?
• 27:11
  And I thought, oh, I'll put them in a book.
• 27:14
  And that was it.
• 27:14
  I put them in a book and, it's a funny cover.
• 27:19
  I had it, I would show you, except for the fact I ran out of the house without it to get here.
• 27:26
  But it was a really, fun book to write.
• 27:29
  And I have a lot of advice for people, you know, if they want to do well.
• 27:33
  So I think, you have in that book, you have the two toolkit for life renewal.
• 27:39
  You've already given us some of that.
• 27:41
  Do you, do you remember the tool kit off hand?
• 27:45
  Yes, I do like what?
• 27:46
  Can you go through that a little bit? Yes.
• 27:48
  You've already covered some of it, so.
• 27:49
  But I didn't cover this.
• 27:51
  But which I think is absolutely crucial.
• 27:53
  You have to have an attitude of gratitude.
• 27:55
  Yep. That's the first thing in your toolkit.
• 27:58
  And I must say that I've learned, in, and you have to give back.
• 28:04
  You have to give back to get back.
• 28:06
  Kind of a response, but I've learned a lot.
• 28:09
  Astrid is so friendly, so darn friendly.
• 28:13
  Yes. And I never realized how a community could be so friendly.
• 28:17
  Less not friendly.
• 28:20
  Just, just, you know, you know, you're not going to, take out your retirement there and have fun.
• 28:25
  That's not that place.
• 28:27
  So I everybody's friendly.
• 28:30
  I mean the checkouts at the market the it's the, the cleaners everywhere.
• 28:35
  And so I go in and I'm always just expecting to have fun.
• 28:39
  Yes I do and I thank these people and I do that several times a day because that makes me it makes me happy.
• 28:48
  Yeah.
• 28:48
  And again, that's the way you get happiness, you know, it's from your soul and that's your.
• 28:55
  Yeah.
• 28:55
  So that's your attitude of gratitude.
• 28:58
  You're thankful you appreciate what you have.
• 29:02
  I think you said that.
• 29:03
  That's the definition of having it all right. Yes.
• 29:06
  Yes. That's what having it I have I have it all.
• 29:09
  Now that we're not talking money, we're not talking jewels, we're not talking houses.
• 29:14
  It's just you can have it all with as long as you're grateful.
• 29:19
  You're grateful for what you have.
• 29:21
  Oh, gosh. Yes.
• 29:22
  Really hard to, imagine life without that.
• 29:27
  And the other thing that I've learned way through my life is vulnerability.
• 29:32
  To be vulnerable, to be able to be emotionally connected and not worry about how you appear, you know, as a as an emotionally connected person.
• 29:42
  And I've had to do that.
• 29:45
  I wrote a blog called You Don't Always Have to Be Right, which I, I keep saying this to myself that hasn't left me yet.
• 29:52
  Don't always.
• 29:53
  And so those difficult moments with your children, you know, those fights you have or the big fight you have or whatever it is, you've just got to be aware of where you are emotionally and hold steady.
• 30:09
  Don't go. Don't go off.
• 30:11
  Don't think that you're what you think and say has to be correct.
• 30:15
  Life doesn't work that way, right?
• 30:18
  Yeah. You don't have to be right.
• 30:20
  You have to be vulnerable for emotional connection.
• 30:23
  That's what you said that and that's true because you know what I, I think when I was a kid and I watched Oprah, I learned that because I always remember her sharing really personal things like, you know, that she got molested when she was a child and things like that.
• 30:41
  And she said, I'm sharing this because if I share it, then other people who have been through it know they're not alone.
• 30:49
  And I was like, whoa, that's so powerful.
• 30:53
  You know, just it's it takes away shame and guilt.
• 30:56
  Yes. And, there's a in my and what's a homecoming queen?
• 31:02
  She says this in a therapy session.
• 31:04
  She says does does everything have to be about guilt and shame?
• 31:08
  Really?
• 31:08
  Everything happens to be everything. Yes.
• 31:11
  The psychologist is. Yes. I'm afraid. Yes.
• 31:14
  So you got to get rid of that stuff.
• 31:14
  That's right.
• 31:17
  No, you can't. No shame.
• 31:20
  I finally, I'm finally getting it, you know, at 80 and finally getting it.
• 31:26
  It's a. Well, it takes a while.
• 31:28
  Hopefully everybody can get it.
• 31:30
  So one of the ways that you can do that is to learn to adapt.
• 31:38
  Adaptation is extremely important to get rid of those negative thoughts.
• 31:43
  You are where you are now.
• 31:46
  And I practice staying in the moment a lot.
• 31:50
  You know, one of the terribly destructive things to our society, I do believe, is that phone.
• 31:55
  Yeah.
• 31:56
  Nobody listens anymore. Kids don't listen.
• 31:58
  Nobody listens.
• 31:59
  They're they're off in some other land of whatever that is that they have, you know, and we do it for all of us.
• 32:06
  Oh, there's a text. Oh, I'm.
• 32:09
  I have to admit, I'm a news junkie, so that's not a good thing.
• 32:12
  So I practice phone off, TV off.
• 32:14
  I just practice it, and I don't have anything else at me coming at me.
• 32:19
  So you adapt to the situation that you're in.
• 32:22
  Stay put, stay mindful.
• 32:24
  Yeah.
• 32:24
  And then the hardest to accept acceptance and acceptance. It flows.
• 32:33
  It flows from adoption.
• 32:34
  If you adapt, you accept.
• 32:36
  Yeah a lot of times it's hard to to adapt to accept things in life.
• 32:40
  It is hard. Yeah.
• 32:41
  And I've heard that it that the suffering doesn't come from the situation.
• 32:48
  It comes from not accepting the situation or.
• 32:51
  Yeah.
• 32:52
  So yeah you have to accept there are bad things that happen.
• 32:55
  There are terrible, terrible, terrible bad things.
• 32:58
  But in a in your normal life, in a normal relationship, just accept what it is.
• 33:04
  You know.
• 33:04
  And I think all the fights and recriminations come because we don't accept what's in front of us.
• 33:10
  We don't accept what is.
• 33:11
  Look, I know I don't really want to be in Texas, but I know this is the place I should be because your family's here.
• 33:21
  Yeah.
• 33:22
  Is that why?
• 33:23
  Yes. My family.
• 33:24
  You see, I would never have come to Texas.
• 33:26
  Texas wasn't even anything for me, you know.
• 33:28
  Sure. And they're here. And I go, what are you here for?
• 33:31
  So I had friends, and I came, and I'm so glad you came.
• 33:34
  Yeah, but also you came to Austin.
• 33:36
  It's the best part of Texas.
• 33:37
  No, it's so different here.
• 33:39
  It's really so different here.
• 33:42
  Yeah.
• 33:42
  It is the friendliest town I can imagine.
• 33:45
  And it's beautiful.
• 33:47
  Okay, so what's next in your toolkit after?
• 33:50
  Well, I talked about passion. Passion?
• 33:52
  You got to have that last thing, I think.
• 33:55
  And this is the I, this what it what's on here is a five point list, you know, and all the blogs are in there in the book.
• 34:02
  And so you get an idea of situations of examples and things like that.
• 34:08
  But practice forgiveness. Yeah.
• 34:13
  I mean my friend said to me the other day, I just hold grudges.
• 34:17
  Oh, oh.
• 34:19
  And I went, oh, bad news bad.
• 34:22
  That's so bad. Don't do that.
• 34:25
  Why are you what is the reason?
• 34:29
  Yeah, because you should get out of it.
• 34:30
  Well, because you have to be right.
• 34:32
  Oh, she wants to side is your side not that's your side and that's not.
• 34:38
  And so you can't you can't forgive.
• 34:42
  I mean, I've had a situation here with with the so-called friend that turned out not to be my friend.
• 34:49
  I was devastated, and I was even teaching her yoga all the time.
• 34:54
  So I'm like, what?
• 34:58
  And then in time and understanding what I think happened to her wasn't it wasn't me.
• 35:07
  Yeah.
• 35:07
  Don't have anything to do with you, which I didn't have.
• 35:09
  I took a step back.
• 35:11
  Now this is another thing.
• 35:13
  Take a step away from yourself and lo, the path in front of you, which is a Buddhist thing.
• 35:21
  And that is the way it has to be, you know?
• 35:26
  And so have you forgiven her?
• 35:28
  Yeah, yeah.
• 35:29
  So now, of course I of course I have.
• 35:32
  I mean, I think she's on her path.
• 35:34
  I don't know what her path.
• 35:35
  I think when it comes to forgiveness, a lot of times the hardest person to forgive is yourself.
• 35:41
  Yeah.
• 35:42
  And what what do you have any advice about forgiving yourself?
• 35:48
  That's a tough one.
• 35:51
  It is.
• 35:53
  I think it starts with something else.
• 36:00
  People have said to me, do you have any regrets in life?
• 36:05
  Do you, I can't think of one that would change my life or make me feel, that I've not done something right.
• 36:19
  I've made to sit.
• 36:21
  Well, the first thing I to go back to one thing, it's really great to make good decisions.
• 36:26
  Making good decisions is just the best thing.
• 36:30
  And you go, I want to make this decision.
• 36:32
  It's going to be so fabulous.
• 36:34
  And it didn't it didn't turn out to be that.
• 36:36
  No, I mean you can.
• 36:37
  So we do that in fact and get you into trouble.
• 36:40
  In fact you say, oh, I didn't think this through.
• 36:43
  This isn't something that I really got on to.
• 36:47
  I didn't see it.
• 36:48
  And then you could have a regret or you can just say that didn't analyze it correctly, didn't foresee something that would bad that would happen.
• 37:02
  That was not good.
• 37:03
  So you you instead of getting it attacking yourself, you spread it out a little bit.
• 37:13
  The feeling of, no, I did this wrong.
• 37:16
  You know, I wasn't good in this space, or I said something that hurt someone.
• 37:21
  If I do think I hurt someone.
• 37:24
  Apropos of what something I said, I.
• 37:27
  I go up to that person immediately and I say, did I, I say something?
• 37:33
  Yeah, I did I hurt your feelings?
• 37:34
  Did I say something at.
• 37:36
  And they'll look at me and go, oh, what are you talking about?
• 37:38
  Yeah, it's, it's in my mind that I might have hurt someone.
• 37:42
  Right?
• 37:43
  I'm say, the answer to all this is stay present, stay, stay, stay present.
• 37:50
  Don't go away present.
• 37:51
  And and I think that's really good.
• 37:53
  But back, back to forgiving yourself.
• 37:56
  I just want to make sure I understand that.
• 37:58
  So you're really saying it?
• 38:00
  Forgiving yourself has to do with regret and kind of reframing it like, okay, maybe I didn't have all the information.
• 38:08
  It just kind of letting yourself off the hook because you you can't always make the best decision.
• 38:16
  Is that what you're saying?
• 38:17
  You you do the best you can, right?
• 38:19
  That's right.
• 38:20
  But don't make excuses right.
• 38:24
  No excuses.
• 38:25
  Don't make excuses.
• 38:26
  That's that's that's the worst.
• 38:28
  Accept it.
• 38:30
  Forgive it.
• 38:32
  Don't put the I say this.
• 38:34
  Don't put the booger on someone else first.
• 38:38
  Don't put the book.
• 38:39
  That's a lovely saying, Joe.
• 38:41
  That's so beautiful.
• 38:42
  Don't put it.
• 38:44
  Yeah, it's poet, but it really I mean, that's getting out.
• 38:47
  That's the granule of of what's what happens to people.
• 38:51
  you know, I try not to make this podcast about an aging about looks or what you do because we get so many outside messages about, you know, you're old, you're wrinkled, you're you need to fix this, you need to fix that.
• 39:06
  And I don't want to be another voice in somebody's head, but I know that it weighs on people.
• 39:12
  And I just want to ask why what you do?
• 39:15
  Because you are just so stunning and not stunning for 81.
• 39:20
  Just stunning.
• 39:21
  And so what?
• 39:22
  What do you you really are. What do you do?
• 39:27
  What's your routine?
• 39:28
  A lot of creams, a lot of oils.
• 39:31
  Well, no, I, I do have a belief that we live in this climate and have for decades and decades it's been it's that dries your skin out.
• 39:44
  And so I learned but and I, I live in, in Vegas so it's really dry real real fast.
• 39:51
  And they get wrinkled man.
• 39:52
  That's that's a torture.
• 39:54
  And and so I when I was 21 up I was like I met this girl in school.
• 40:00
  I was still get I'm still getting my college degree.
• 40:03
  And she sold cosmetics and they were they were the first natural.
• 40:08
  You know, no perfumes and all those fragrances you get in the stores.
• 40:12
  I started with her.
• 40:13
  Maybe it was 22, I can't remember.
• 40:15
  Yeah, it was 22 because I just turned 21 and she brought me over to her apartment, and she brought a bunch of girls, and she sell this cosmetics, and I don't know how she knew this stuff, but basically it's just tried and true.
• 40:28
  Put some oils on your face.
• 40:30
  Always put oils, you know, can't.
• 40:34
  And you can't do too much about the sagging skin.
• 40:37
  Yeah.
• 40:37
  You know, you lose, you lose that that ability to for tight skin.
• 40:43
  I mean, that's that's aging.
• 40:45
  Now, have I had a trouble accepting it.
• 40:48
  Yeah.
• 40:48
  And then like, oh, it's not that bad.
• 40:50
  I'm probably the only one who notices it. Right.
• 40:53
  That's part of the acceptance and you know, and gratitude.
• 40:57
  Like I'm grateful that I have two arms okay.
• 41:00
  They're getting a little saggy, but thank God I have two arms.
• 41:03
  It's fine.
• 41:04
  It's it's it's part of the.
• 41:06
  Yeah, I get that.
• 41:07
  It's part of the transition.
• 41:09
  It's part of the acceptance of death, which nobody ever wants to talk about.
• 41:15
  And, but death is a part of life. It's inclusive in life.
• 41:20
  Do you think about that?
• 41:22
  Yeah, it kind of. Yeah.
• 41:25
  Yeah, well, I see, I love the way Francine died in once. So.
• 41:28
  Homecoming queen.
• 41:29
  She was, I love the way she died.
• 41:32
  And and I think everyone has a right to, if they can, to die the way they want, because it brings some joy at the end.
• 41:40
  You want to give that away or have it just read the book.
• 41:45
  Oh, well, actually, she died with acceptance.
• 41:50
  She managed to get through this list.
• 41:55
  And, all of them.
• 41:59
  Yeah.
• 42:00
  She went through your toolkit for life renewal.
• 42:02
  Yeah. Not appointed.
• 42:03
  So if you have that and you've had a good life and you left, you left a legacy of love to your family, first and foremost.
• 42:12
  Hey, it's a good life.
• 42:14
  Yeah. Nothing to regret. No regrets.
• 42:17
  That's right.
• 42:18
  Oh, Joan, I love talking to you.
• 42:22
  I, I think that you are just a shining example.
• 42:25
  And thank you so much for for coming on again, Thanks for listening, friend.
• 42:31
  From my heart to yours.
• 42:33
  Be well. Until we meet again.