Latest / The Daily Sarcast / April 1st, 2026: Trump's Apology, Jesus Coming Back And Med School

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April 1st, 2026: Trump's Apology, Jesus Coming Back And Med School · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
  Today's episode is sponsored by Getting Back Together With Your Ex.
• 0:03
  You can always fix something that's broken.
• 0:06
  This is the year to commit tax fraud if you want to do it.
• 0:09
  A spokesperson from the IRS, as there is reportedly no commissioner or staffers left in the department.
• 0:15
  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Starcast. I give you the news and
• 0:19
  made me a laugh. I'm Lindsay Bernick, and it's April 1st, 2026.
• 0:24
  In real news, Trump just issued what is being described as a full and complete
• 0:28
  apology, covering everything he has ever said, done, thought,
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  or even considered thinking about doing.
• 0:35
  The apology reportedly addressed any past, present, or future misunderstandings,
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  though no specific incidents were named, likely to avoid having to revisit them later.
• 0:45
  He said he felt horrible about everything he has done and vowed to be better,
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  which sounds a lot like any bad ex to ever exist.
• 0:53
  Sources say the apology was delivered with the confidence of someone who believes
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  this will resolve everything, despite no evidence that anyone agreed to that.
• 1:01
  At this time, he had already started wondering if the apology itself would require a follow-up apology.
• 1:08
  Jesus is reportedly coming back on Sunday, but just to do carpentry.
• 1:13
  According to the announcement, the second coming is happening,
• 1:16
  but the focus is strictly on woodworking projects, cabinets,
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  bookshelves, and apparently a very specific walnut kitchen island he started
• 1:23
  2,000 years ago and never finished.
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  He clarified if you were hoping for something more apocalyptic or transformative,
• 1:30
  you should adjust your expectations because this is more of a custom furniture situation.
• 1:35
  He also noted that prayer is still accepted, but mainly if you're requesting
• 1:40
  a quote, which feels like a very modern rebrand for divine intervention.
• 1:44
  A new report from the American Academy of Pediatrics suggests infants as young
• 1:48
  as three weeks can respond to the sound of a potato chip bag being opened.
• 1:53
  Researchers say the reaction is almost immediate, with newborns showing alertness,
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  agitation, and what they described as clear anticipation of a snack that is not for them.
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  The study also found babies respond more strongly to larger,
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  family-sized bags than single servings, suggesting an early understanding of
• 2:12
  value, hierarchy, and emotional disappointment.
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  Scientists say the findings may point to a built-in human sensitivity to snack-based
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  stimuli that develops well before language or motor skills.
• 2:22
  In Lindsay Life, I am currently in a phase where I am extremely organized,
• 2:27
  highly disciplined, and fully committed to becoming someone who wakes up early
• 2:31
  and falls through on every single thing.
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  This phase began approximately this morning and is already going very well,
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  as I have been awake for two hours and have made my bed after brushing my teeth.
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  I've stopped drinking, I'm working out every day, and I'm spending less time
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  on my phone, all of which I have started today.
• 2:49
  I remain confident in my ability to become someone who has our life together,
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  even though the evidence is still in early development.
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  At this time, I'm actively sticking to my new routine, which currently consists
• 3:00
  of talking about the routine and occasionally adjusting it. Things I'm thinking about.
• 3:05
  How I want to go to med school. cooking tip of
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  the day if you burn your food simply apologize to it it will understand and
• 3:12
  give you the last 20 minutes back so you can remake it feedback comments questions
• 3:17
  a mean catholic boy looking for a date email me at lindsay at thedailystarcast.com
• 3:22
  thanks so much for listening and happy april fool's day.