Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 275. STEP PARENTING ❤️‍🩹 The do’s and dont’s from Expert Coach Kris Byrnes

Transcript

275. STEP PARENTING ❤️‍🩹 The do’s and dont’s from Expert Coach Kris Byrnes · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apogee Production.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashley and I'm Tiana.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: This podcast is.
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  Speaker 3: About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest,
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  Speaker 3: and most authentic version of yourself.
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  Speaker 2: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
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  Speaker 2: else is too afraid to talk about.
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: Get ready for your next level of self.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: Hello everybody, welcome back to she Rises. We have a
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: very special guest on today, Chris. Thank you for joining us.
• 0:36
  Speaker 4: Today.
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  Speaker 2: We're gonna be talking all about being a step parent.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: I can't wait to hear all your wisdom and advice
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  Speaker 2: because I know we have quite a strong mum audience,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm sure there's so many stepparents that just get
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: put into this role or step into this role and
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: have no idea how to do it. But before we
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: get into it, you want to give us a little
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: rundown on who you are and how you got into
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: coaching other parents and stepparents how to navigate this dynamic.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, of course, thank you so much for having me. Girls.
• 0:59
  Speaker 4: I'm so excited to be here with you guys. So
• 1:01
  Speaker 4: I've been a stepmum for ten years. I became a
• 1:04
  Speaker 4: stepmother at twenty five, four years old, and I was
• 1:07
  Speaker 4: not thrown into the role. But what I have really
• 1:09
  Speaker 4: noticed is there's no rule book, there's no guideline, there's
• 1:12
  Speaker 4: no tools available, and I searched high and low, and
• 1:15
  Speaker 4: that really kicked off my personal development journey because I
• 1:18
  Speaker 4: was so stuck in a victim mindset. I was so
• 1:21
  Speaker 4: stuck in my wounds, and kids have a way of
• 1:23
  Speaker 4: just like bringing the monster out in you. And if
• 1:27
  Speaker 4: you do not become a master of your emotions, and
• 1:29
  Speaker 4: you will continue to be the monster of them. Right,
• 1:31
  Speaker 4: And I just needed something to change within myself because
• 1:35
  Speaker 4: there was a lot going on that I couldn't control,
• 1:37
  Speaker 4: and I didn't need to focus on controlling external things.
• 1:39
  Speaker 4: What I needed to do was change my behaviors, my thoughts,
• 1:42
  Speaker 4: my patterns, wo and heal myself. So that really kicked
• 1:44
  Speaker 4: off the journey. Around that time, I had a previous
• 1:48
  Speaker 4: podcast and a previous coaching business for about five or
• 1:50
  Speaker 4: six years Inside Out, and I absolutely loved it. I
• 1:54
  Speaker 4: have supported so many women in so many areas of
• 1:56
  Speaker 4: their lives, and the step parent thing just kept kind
• 1:58
  Speaker 4: of calling me. I was really afraid to step into
• 2:01
  Speaker 4: it because I thought, Wow, I'm going to really be
• 2:03
  Speaker 4: holding myself up here and everyone really see who I am.
• 2:06
  Speaker 4: And that felt really terrifying. But in the same sentence,
• 2:08
  Speaker 4: like I just needed to do it. I knew that
• 2:10
  Speaker 4: I could help women and men and families navigate blended
• 2:14
  Speaker 4: season life. Like obviously I am the stepparent coach and
• 2:17
  Speaker 4: I have the stepparent podcast, But it's more than that.
• 2:20
  Speaker 4: It's single mum's navigating bringing a partner into their child's life.
• 2:24
  Speaker 4: It's single women navigating I'm dating guy with kids. Where
• 2:27
  Speaker 4: do I go from here? I don't really know what
• 2:28
  Speaker 4: I should or shouldn't be doing. People need more of this,
• 2:31
  Speaker 4: They need support. They're craving these conversations. Women are desperate
• 2:34
  Speaker 4: to hear more of this.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: I've never heard of anyone being a coach to help
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: with step parenting. Yeah, it's especially in today's modern society.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: It's quite common that divorce happens and there's blended families
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: and it can be beautiful it's done right. So my
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: first question for you is, I'd love to know the
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: biggest misconception about stepping into becoming a stepparent that you're
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: not their real parent.
• 2:52
  Speaker 4: And look sure legally medically all of that school, yes,
• 2:56
  Speaker 4: by the law. No, you are not like a biological parent,
• 3:00
  Speaker 4: but you are a parent. You are influencing that child consistently,
• 3:03
  Speaker 4: and if you are planning a future with their parent,
• 3:05
  Speaker 4: you're going to be in their life for a really
• 3:07
  Speaker 4: long time. And that is a huge misconception that a
• 3:09
  Speaker 4: lot of biological parents are like, that's not your real dad,
• 3:12
  Speaker 4: I'm your dad. Example, I have a client who hasn't
• 3:15
  Speaker 4: had consistent care of his daughter, and he has been
• 3:17
  Speaker 4: quite irregular, and he came to me with a really
• 3:20
  Speaker 4: big issue with the stepdad, and I sort of had
• 3:22
  Speaker 4: to say to him, mate, like this man, he's been
• 3:24
  Speaker 4: raising your child and influencing your child and being a
• 3:26
  Speaker 4: part of her life. He's doing the hard afternoon you know, tantrams,
• 3:30
  Speaker 4: and he's doing the mood swings, and he's doing the lunches,
• 3:32
  Speaker 4: and he's picking up from soccer and you're living kind
• 3:34
  Speaker 4: of a single man life and then having her in
• 3:36
  Speaker 4: the holidays. You need to be really accepting of he's
• 3:38
  Speaker 4: doing his best. Yeah, Okay, if you don't like something,
• 3:41
  Speaker 4: have a conversation, but don't become so disregulated by the
• 3:45
  Speaker 4: victimhood of that you're carrying within yourself and being so
• 3:47
  Speaker 4: triggered by him. If you want more time with your daughter,
• 3:50
  Speaker 4: that's for you to go and manage and do better on.
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  Speaker 4: So I think that parents really need to own their
• 3:56
  Speaker 4: triggers and just notice when a step parent steps into
• 3:59
  Speaker 4: the role, they are not a threat. They do not
• 4:01
  Speaker 4: want to replace you. They're just there and they just
• 4:04
  Speaker 4: want to be a say, loving adult. And if you
• 4:06
  Speaker 4: can make peace with that decision, like and just come
• 4:08
  Speaker 4: to terms with that's all they're there for, you'll feel
• 4:11
  Speaker 4: really supportive by them.
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: I would assume they feel more scared. If I was
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: the seven to a step parent role. I think I'd
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: be more scared rather than wanting to take over. Yeah,
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: be more the opposite of what people think.
• 4:20
  Speaker 4: Yeah, And I think you know little things like example,
• 4:23
  Speaker 4: a client taught a little girl she was about seven,
• 4:26
  Speaker 4: how to do shoelacers and the mom perceived that is,
• 4:30
  Speaker 4: how dare you you know? And she's like, oh, but
• 4:33
  Speaker 4: she didn't know how. I just sort of showed her
• 4:34
  Speaker 4: how we practiced, and I thought I did something right.
• 4:36
  Speaker 4: I didn't know I took something good intentions And she
• 4:39
  Speaker 4: said I was going to do that with her in
• 4:40
  Speaker 4: the holidays, like I was going to teach her, but
• 4:42
  Speaker 4: how could she know. So there's you know, there's always
• 4:44
  Speaker 4: good intentions sometimes, and I think.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: That both sides of valords. She wants to help, and
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: then the mom's like, well you took that away from me.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: I wanted that time with my daughter.
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: The way that you perceived the situation as well. And
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: it's that victimhood that you were talking about. It's so
• 4:54
  Speaker 3: beautiful that you've been able to go through that yourself
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: and know what it feels like on the client facing
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: side of things, to go through that victimhood and know
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: exactly what steps so that when you support your clients,
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: you know exactly where they're at, what they're thinking, how
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: they're feeling, and how they might be projecting onto the
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: situation their own fears, the insecurities and things that are
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: coming out for them in experiencing perceived loss of like
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: teaching their children the things that they're meant to teach them.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, what advice would you have for someone who is
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: stepping into being becoming a step parent and the children
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: are really like struggling with the separation and struggling with
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: someone new coming in.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: I was too young when it happened.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: I don't really remember, but I can imagine if my
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: son Taj go through that now, it's like this new
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: mom or dad stepping in. That must be hard for
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: the kids. So what advice would you have people that
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: are navigating that.
• 5:39
  Speaker 4: I can speak from personal experience. My stepfather who's still
• 5:42
  Speaker 4: my stepfather and my kid's poppy. He came into my
• 5:45
  Speaker 4: life when I was sixteen and I met him. Just
• 5:48
  Speaker 4: to cut a long story very short, I met him
• 5:50
  Speaker 4: at a caravan park. Mum had been invited to his
• 5:52
  Speaker 4: random wedding of someone to knew at the caravan park
• 5:54
  Speaker 4: and he was there. And this was two weeks after
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: mum had split from my long term step dad, who
• 5:58
  Speaker 4: i'd lived with with my two step brothers for about
• 6:00
  Speaker 4: six years. Right, so I was all in grief and
• 6:02
  Speaker 4: all in this pain. This man walked up to me.
• 6:06
  Speaker 4: I was like, hey, Mom, I'm just going to go
• 6:07
  Speaker 4: to the skate park or whatever. And this man walks
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: up to me. He's like, I'm going to marry your mum.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: One day.
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  Speaker 4: I said you can go and fuck yourself and he
• 6:15
  Speaker 4: has never forgotten that. And I was like, you will
• 6:17
  Speaker 4: absolutely not be excuse me, like, no in this scening.
• 6:21
  Speaker 4: And what do you know, they got married a few
• 6:22
  Speaker 4: years later and he's still around and he's been the
• 6:24
  Speaker 4: best thing for her and for our family. And yeah,
• 6:27
  Speaker 4: so kids are going to say stuff, and you don't
• 6:30
  Speaker 4: need to make it like Bible. I've always said what
• 6:32
  Speaker 4: kids say is and Bible. Just take a minute notice
• 6:35
  Speaker 4: what might be being said around them, what might they
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: be absorbing as well. They're little sponges. They are in
• 6:40
  Speaker 4: their own grief, they are in their own pain, and
• 6:43
  Speaker 4: maybe they're not being held the way they want to
• 6:45
  Speaker 4: be held. And take a step back and just really
• 6:47
  Speaker 4: sit with that. What can you do to be a supportive,
• 6:50
  Speaker 4: positive adult, safe adult, not someone who needs to be liked.
• 6:54
  Speaker 4: A lot of step mums come in and really crave
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: this intimacy straight away with kids and want to be
• 6:59
  Speaker 4: liked and loved, so they overcompensate and over deliver. And
• 7:03
  Speaker 4: you know, there was at one point for my girls
• 7:04
  Speaker 4: where I felt like I had to over deliver so
• 7:06
  Speaker 4: much that I would go to three parks before school.
• 7:09
  Speaker 4: And they still remember it. They're like, we went to
• 7:11
  Speaker 4: so many things, like we did so much before and
• 7:13
  Speaker 4: after school, because I just thought like I needed them
• 7:15
  Speaker 4: to be fulfilled. I needed them to be happy all
• 7:17
  Speaker 4: the time and excited and looking forward to something. I
• 7:19
  Speaker 4: never wanted anything to be that. Chris didn't make enough efforts,
• 7:22
  Speaker 4: so I really tried, but I burnt myself out in
• 7:24
  Speaker 4: the process. So I think women can also just you know,
• 7:27
  Speaker 4: take that advice of take a step back, have a
• 7:29
  Speaker 4: look at what is actually happening for a child to
• 7:32
  Speaker 4: just notice, don't take things personally. They're kids, right, and
• 7:36
  Speaker 4: as parents, like we don't take it personal when our
• 7:38
  Speaker 4: child has a tangent. That's the difference. Right, As a
• 7:40
  Speaker 4: step parent, you take it as a personal attack of it.
• 7:42
  Speaker 4: I'm not good enough for you and you're never gonna
• 7:45
  Speaker 4: like me. And I think as like with my own
• 7:47
  Speaker 4: two kids, Lola is just had six and Jesse is seven.
• 7:51
  Speaker 4: When they're throwing a tangent, they're like I hate you
• 7:53
  Speaker 4: or like cool, bro, I don't care to compare when
• 7:55
  Speaker 4: the girls were upset about something when they were little
• 7:58
  Speaker 4: that would take a stab at my worth. So I
• 8:01
  Speaker 4: can really see how women would be in receivership of
• 8:03
  Speaker 4: that as well. Just take a beat, take a moment,
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: give yourself compassion, and grace and give them compassionate grace,
• 8:10
  Speaker 4: like they're going through the biggest thing outside of death
• 8:13
  Speaker 4: in a family that a family can go through. And
• 8:15
  Speaker 4: then dad or mom is introducing a new adult and saying, hey,
• 8:18
  Speaker 4: this person, treat them like your parent or you know,
• 8:21
  Speaker 4: treat them respectfully and you should like them straight away.
• 8:24
  Speaker 4: And they're just like what I want my other parent, the.
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: New authority figure that you just have to like bring
• 8:27
  Speaker 3: into your life now.
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: Except I remember hearing it from another mum one day too.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: It's like, just because mom falls in love again, it
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: doesn't automatically mean the kids are going to like that
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: person and have a connection about that person or have
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: fun with that person. But they have to kind of
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: it's like tough tits.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: You have to accept it.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: Like I don't think I ever liked my stepdad, but
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: it wasn't my choice. My mom decided to be with
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: him and he become my stepdad.
• 8:48
  Speaker 4: And I think that men and women, if you're coming
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: in as a step parent, you are the adult. It
• 8:54
  Speaker 4: is on you. It is not on a sixteen year
• 8:56
  Speaker 4: old girl to make her like you. You need to meet her.
• 8:59
  Speaker 4: You need to meet them where they're at a fourteen
• 9:01
  Speaker 4: year old boy or a thirteen year old whatever the
• 9:03
  Speaker 4: age is, It doesn't matter. Honestly. When they're little, I
• 9:06
  Speaker 4: think there is an element of it being slightly easier
• 9:08
  Speaker 4: because they're playful.
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: And creative and you know, adaptable.
• 9:12
  Speaker 4: Yeah, essentially, But when they're that little bit older, they
• 9:15
  Speaker 4: might be a gamer and stay in their room all
• 9:16
  Speaker 4: the time, while they might be always doing tiktoks and
• 9:18
  Speaker 4: don't really want to hang out with you. Yeah, but
• 9:20
  Speaker 4: you've got to get creative, lean into it, get creative
• 9:22
  Speaker 4: with what do they actually enjoy? Can you get good
• 9:25
  Speaker 4: at FIFA? On the ps? Like? What can you go
• 9:27
  Speaker 4: and be good at with them and get them excited
• 9:29
  Speaker 4: to actually do something? You can find something to connect with,
• 9:32
  Speaker 4: Like it's on you, it's not on the child. Ever.
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: What's like a piece of advice that you would give
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: to somebody like a step parent who's wanting to create
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: a more genuine connection with their step children as opposed
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: to like trying to force one.
• 9:42
  Speaker 4: Take it back to a moment in time when you
• 9:44
  Speaker 4: were their age, and what did you like. It's a
• 9:46
  Speaker 4: really simple way to think about it. What brought you joy?
• 9:49
  Speaker 4: For me? Coloring in? I liked hard a lot, so
• 9:51
  Speaker 4: I would always get you know, some crafts and things
• 9:53
  Speaker 4: like that. As soon as it turned to slime though,
• 9:55
  Speaker 4: we stopped up. Slim's banned from my house.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: It's awful.
• 10:00
  Speaker 4: It gets to the carpet and the clothes and a
• 10:03
  Speaker 4: lot of park time. That's that we did the trampoline parks.
• 10:06
  Speaker 4: They were really good at going from one end doing
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: all these backflips and stuff. So I knew they loved
• 10:09
  Speaker 4: that there at the moment, so it was worth doing it. Yes,
• 10:12
  Speaker 4: and like when they were little, like get on there
• 10:13
  Speaker 4: with them and play with them. And that's what they wanted,
• 10:16
  Speaker 4: was connection, right, and just bring out your own in
• 10:18
  Speaker 4: a child. What did you do? Yeah, and take it
• 10:21
  Speaker 4: back and see how that goes.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: That's like it's connected through play. That's actually playing with them.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: I'd love to switch the conversation and switch lanes into
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: like the discipline side of things, because I think this
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: would be super hard. And I have some friends that
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: are step parents and they find the discipline really hard.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: What advice or where did they stand or I know
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: you said there's no rule book, but as you come
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: into a step parent, like are you allowed to discipline
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: the same as what the other parent does or do
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: you have to sit back and kind of let them
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: do it.
• 10:45
  Speaker 4: I think that consequences raise an emotionally healthy adult, and
• 10:49
  Speaker 4: accountability teaches young people to be better and to hold
• 10:53
  Speaker 4: themselves to a particular standard as young adults. And I
• 10:56
  Speaker 4: think consequences and accountability is not negotiable in any home
• 10:59
  Speaker 4: and boundaries. You must be on the same level and
• 11:02
  Speaker 4: within the dynamic with your partner. My husband and I
• 11:05
  Speaker 4: are very much the same in our values. I've noticed recently,
• 11:08
  Speaker 4: especially with my two, that I have been so much
• 11:11
  Speaker 4: more graceful, compassionate, and patient with the girls in terms
• 11:15
  Speaker 4: of consequences and accountability than I have my own too.
• 11:18
  Speaker 4: So there is a level of Okay, we're going to
• 11:20
  Speaker 4: unpack this a little bit. We're going to sit down
• 11:21
  Speaker 4: and talk about it like we always go through things
• 11:24
  Speaker 4: when something has happened. But I need to be able
• 11:27
  Speaker 4: to hold that authority in my home. I need to
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: leave my home. I can't have a child that doesn't
• 11:30
  Speaker 4: have any boundaries in my home. I can't have a
• 11:32
  Speaker 4: child that thinks that they can be disrespectful to me
• 11:34
  Speaker 4: in my home. I won't operate that way for what
• 11:37
  Speaker 4: I do and how I do it, and what I
• 11:39
  Speaker 4: provide for my girls and what I've always provided for them,
• 11:41
  Speaker 4: I refuse to be anything less than treating them like
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: my own. So yes, it's a different level I would say.
• 11:47
  Speaker 4: When I say you're treating them like my own, I'm
• 11:48
  Speaker 4: noticing that. I'm a lot less patient with my two.
• 11:51
  Speaker 4: I'm like, just do it, Just do what I said.
• 11:52
  Speaker 4: But I wouldn't necessarily have spoken to the girls like
• 11:54
  Speaker 4: that when they were a little but now that you
• 11:57
  Speaker 4: know they're at teenage years and things. You know, the
• 11:59
  Speaker 4: consequence of being disrespectful or doing the wrong thing would
• 12:02
  Speaker 4: be taking a phone and things like that, and I
• 12:05
  Speaker 4: have no reservations doing that.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: I'm fun.
• 12:07
  Speaker 4: And then you know, I'll let Dad know, hey lost
• 12:08
  Speaker 4: devices today for a few hours or whatever the case.
• 12:11
  Speaker 4: But vulnerability and communication is the superpower, so that for
• 12:14
  Speaker 4: many years, and I will always talk it out with them,
• 12:18
  Speaker 4: you know, I will always meet them on their level.
• 12:20
  Speaker 4: Let's have a conversation. Just communicating with them, no matter
• 12:24
  Speaker 4: what age they're art is so so important. But you
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: need to lead your home so someone might not agree
• 12:30
  Speaker 4: with what you're doing, and you need to learn to
• 12:33
  Speaker 4: be okay with that.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: So what if you had a client come in and say,
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: I'm a client, I'm like, hey, Chris, like got this
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: new partner, and you know, I don't agree with smacking,
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: but he does, and he's very strong in that. He
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: thinks that's a strong boundary. For me, it's not love
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: this man. I love my kids, and I just how
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: do I navigate.
• 12:48
  Speaker 4: That he needs to compromise on his values and belief
• 12:51
  Speaker 4: system on that one, Like those are your children? Yeah, Like,
• 12:53
  Speaker 4: for me, smacking is never been an option, but for
• 12:56
  Speaker 4: some people, I imagine it is hard not to or
• 12:58
  Speaker 4: if that's how they were raised, if that's how they've
• 13:00
  Speaker 4: parented their own children, I can see that that could
• 13:04
  Speaker 4: be an issue in there relationship. But that's between the
• 13:06
  Speaker 4: two adults to navigate and find a happy medium. Okay,
• 13:09
  Speaker 4: I'm not comfortable with smacking, But what does a time
• 13:10
  Speaker 4: out look like for you? And what's the consequence of
• 13:13
  Speaker 4: you know, think of the worst thing the child could do,
• 13:15
  Speaker 4: say stealing, lying, whatever it is. I don't know how
• 13:18
  Speaker 4: old they would be, and then what's the consequence of
• 13:20
  Speaker 4: that that isn't smacking? What does that look and feel
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: like for us?
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 13:23
  Speaker 4: And beg on the same page, write it out, have
• 13:25
  Speaker 4: it ready to go, and you shared notes in your phone,
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: like you know, get really strong with your values as
• 13:30
  Speaker 4: a team. It's not about one person's right or wrong.
• 13:33
  Speaker 4: It's different styles of parenting. But at the end of
• 13:35
  Speaker 4: the day, that's your babies.
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: Do you think though, if you have really different styles
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: of parenting, that could really like impact the relationship. I
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: just think about for me, for example, if I was
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: ever to go through a divorce and have a new
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: partner and he wanted to smack it be a non
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: negotiable for me, Like, I don't think I could be
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: with someone that wanted to harm my children like that.
• 13:50
  Speaker 4: Correct, absolutely, And those would be like your standards and yeah,
• 13:53
  Speaker 4: values right, And someone might be able to compromise if
• 13:55
  Speaker 4: they're really in a happy relationship outside of one thing,
• 13:58
  Speaker 4: it might be something that he needs to compromise on
• 14:00
  Speaker 4: and be like, I'm not going to do that, ever,
• 14:01
  Speaker 4: I would never without your permission anyway. Yeah, what a
• 14:04
  Speaker 4: huge layer of dis respect that would be to the relationship.
• 14:07
  Speaker 4: But just have that piece of communication like I'm not
• 14:10
  Speaker 4: cool with this, but here's what we will do.
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: I like that almost offering like an alternative solution and
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: meeting them in the middle, because it is it's like
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: a healthy level of compromise of relationships, isn't that.
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, because I know a friend of a friend who
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: has this dynamic where he's got three step children now
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: currently in this relationship, and it's this dynamic of him
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: wanting to discipline more than what she wants to and
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: it's like interesting to see how that plays out in
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: their dynamic and their relationship and how that brings challenge
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: to the relationship. But also, like what you said, if
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: you address it as you're a team rather than it's
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: you verse the problem and verse that person, I can
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: imagine that like all the children need is united front, correct,
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: you know, having teammates who are doing the same thing
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: and everyone kind of moving in the same direction together.
• 14:51
  Speaker 4: Something my husband and I have always been really good
• 14:53
  Speaker 4: at is even if we don't agree with each other
• 14:55
  Speaker 4: at the time, we do not share that in front
• 14:57
  Speaker 4: of the kids. We'll just stand there as a team
• 14:58
  Speaker 4: and be like, no, I support your dad, or no,
• 14:59
  Speaker 4: what he supports me? Yes, And then we'll have a
• 15:02
  Speaker 4: conversation in private, but in love that you did this,
• 15:04
  Speaker 4: or love that this is how that played out, or
• 15:06
  Speaker 4: how you said that to them, how can we do
• 15:08
  Speaker 4: it differently in the future. So we're really really strong
• 15:10
  Speaker 4: on that cool and I think more families as is
• 15:12
  Speaker 4: that because they don't need to feel like one parent's
• 15:15
  Speaker 4: like the easygoing one or the one that's not integrated
• 15:18
  Speaker 4: with the authoritative decision making. And that's really given us
• 15:21
  Speaker 4: support too to just hear each other and see each
• 15:23
  Speaker 4: other through the season of being I'm the stepmom and
• 15:26
  Speaker 4: he's the biological parent.
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: It's so beautiful that you guys have been able to
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: do that. Even for my parents. I'm not in a
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: blended family, but my parents showcase that when I was younger,
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: where my dad was the very easy going one and
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: my mom was very the authoritative, so she was the
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: disciplinary and she would lead the discipline. But what I
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: noticed I noticed over the years it would create a
• 15:44
  Speaker 3: divide between my parents because my dad would be really
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: calm and easy going with us and be like, oh no,
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: Chad's like it's okay, just like let them kind of think,
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: and then it would create issues between them. So it
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: was always like my dad being the easy going one,
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: us knowing okay, if mom says no, we can go
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: to Dad. And I think that now when I see
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: it and reflect upon it, when I think about having children,
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: I think to myself, I never want to have that.
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: I never want to have that divide because I can
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: see how that would create conflict between like the two parents,
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: and then also like what that does for the children too,
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: how they think that they can get away with things.
• 16:14
  Speaker 4: And yeah, she seems like she might have been sitting
• 16:16
  Speaker 4: in that masculine a little bit and he wasn't leading,
• 16:18
  Speaker 4: And how frustrating that is when we're in now feminine
• 16:20
  Speaker 4: to sit with. Right, Yeah, we want our men to
• 16:23
  Speaker 4: lead us, but we also don't want to have to
• 16:24
  Speaker 4: do the masculine energy in the hood as well. So yeah,
• 16:28
  Speaker 4: I feel like we're a really good team with that,
• 16:29
  Speaker 4: and that's awesome. Yeah, we can meet each other and
• 16:31
  Speaker 4: even if I'm wrong, I'm not saying I've got it
• 16:33
  Speaker 4: right for their last ten years every single time. I'm
• 16:35
  Speaker 4: not saying I'm a perfect step mum. And you know,
• 16:37
  Speaker 4: I haven't had moments, But it's a conversation that we
• 16:39
  Speaker 4: explore together and be accountibal to changing. I think, you know,
• 16:42
  Speaker 4: blended families need to be accuntible to change, definitely, so flexible.
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: Can I ask a question around when you were feeling
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: in the stages of sitting in that victimhood, what was
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: your natural response, like did you have an inkling to
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: want to like run away? Did you like shut down?
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: Like how did you navigate through like the season of
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: victimhood that you experience becoming a step parent.
• 17:01
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I think that I suppressed a lot of it,
• 17:03
  Speaker 4: and I like leaky, toxic behaviors in terms of you know,
• 17:08
  Speaker 4: maybe drinking wine not like too much through the week,
• 17:11
  Speaker 4: or relax, numb myself a little bit, and also not
• 17:14
  Speaker 4: be responsible. So if I had a couple of glasses
• 17:16
  Speaker 4: of the one, that meant I didn't have to cook dinner.
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: So I was like, oh, my chicken out. It's the fine,
• 17:20
  Speaker 4: It's fine. Yep. The uniforms are in the wash, but
• 17:22
  Speaker 4: I'll do the lunchboxes in the morning. Like normally I'm regimented.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: I'm on, let's go.
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: I don't have to go to the gym, so I
• 17:26
  Speaker 4: can be lazy tomorrow. I can eat junk food tomorrow
• 17:28
  Speaker 4: because I had a glass of wine last night, Like
• 17:30
  Speaker 4: I was suppressing a lot of the feelings and making
• 17:33
  Speaker 4: excuses for poor behavior within myself. It wasn't really about
• 17:37
  Speaker 4: me acting out to my stepdaughters or you know, being
• 17:39
  Speaker 4: in a I can't say the word tumultulus.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: I know the way you think.
• 17:43
  Speaker 4: I can't even launchuous. My husband, like we were good.
• 17:48
  Speaker 4: We were growing together, and we got engaged and got
• 17:51
  Speaker 4: pregnant and got married and all the things. But I
• 17:54
  Speaker 4: was just not happy in my heart, you know, and
• 17:56
  Speaker 4: I was feeling really burnt out, and I felt like
• 17:58
  Speaker 4: I couldn't find peace within my mindset as well. I
• 18:02
  Speaker 4: somehow developed anxiety. So I'd never had any issues with
• 18:06
  Speaker 4: fear of the future, and somehow I was afraid of
• 18:09
  Speaker 4: every next day. And I had to have a lot
• 18:11
  Speaker 4: of control over what was happening. With stepparenthood, there's so
• 18:14
  Speaker 4: many une logistics to you because you swapping and changing,
• 18:17
  Speaker 4: and you know, things move around, and.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: You want to control the outcome.
• 18:20
  Speaker 4: Yes, you've got kids that might come back with big
• 18:23
  Speaker 4: feelings and big emotions and mid twenties. I'd never been
• 18:26
  Speaker 4: a parent before. I didn't know what I was doing.
• 18:28
  Speaker 4: I was just hoping for the best outcome. Like I
• 18:31
  Speaker 4: have a rule now, it's not really about my girls,
• 18:34
  Speaker 4: but it's more so for anyone going through the transitional day,
• 18:38
  Speaker 4: especially fifty to fifty. You need twenty four hours of grace.
• 18:41
  Speaker 4: Twenty four hours where you got inflexible. You can go
• 18:44
  Speaker 4: to the movies, you can stay up later than normal.
• 18:46
  Speaker 4: The kids might need to park straight from school. Don't
• 18:48
  Speaker 4: bring them home, don't give them the rules of the home.
• 18:50
  Speaker 4: Don't expect them to pick up behind themselves. Don't expect
• 18:52
  Speaker 4: them to know what your house rules are day one.
• 18:55
  Speaker 4: It would be like you are working in two places, right,
• 18:59
  Speaker 4: imagine that for a second. You've got one week with
• 19:00
  Speaker 4: one boss and one week with the boss, and you've
• 19:02
  Speaker 4: got to change over each week. As an adult, we
• 19:04
  Speaker 4: would hate That's what I would hate that, right, So
• 19:07
  Speaker 4: imagine like that, you know, so just give that twenty
• 19:10
  Speaker 4: four hour period? Is everything?
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: Be?
• 19:12
  Speaker 4: Yeah, very compassionate.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: I do hear that's a lot of step moms. It's like, oh,
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: what dad's how's I get to do this and mum's
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: house gets to do that. It's like the rules when
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: they're so different, and how tricky.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: That is for both parents and the kids.
• 19:24
  Speaker 4: Even just like the most minor moments like I don't
• 19:26
  Speaker 4: know if you do your teeth before you get dressed,
• 19:28
  Speaker 4: but some people get dressed before they do their teeth,
• 19:30
  Speaker 4: or they might have a shower in the morning and
• 19:32
  Speaker 4: not at night. Mums, you shower in the morning.
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: So many little moments that they have in their cereal
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: Can they have cereal lunch?
• 19:40
  Speaker 4: Correct, Oh, I didn't like that this week, and Mum
• 19:42
  Speaker 4: packs this better, or dad does this differently. There's so
• 19:45
  Speaker 4: many moments, and you have to be really flexible with
• 19:48
  Speaker 4: your emotions as well, which is quite consuming at times.
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: I could only imagine my sister. Actually she co parents
• 19:54
  Speaker 3: with her co parent parents with their coparents, and when
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: the kids do go to their dads and the extended family,
• 20:01
  Speaker 3: it's always like they come home and they're like, but
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: we're allowed at there, but they said yes, they're and
• 20:05
  Speaker 3: they're very as the grandparents do say yes to all
• 20:07
  Speaker 3: the things. And then when they come home, it's like
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: my sister is like trying to create that discipline and
• 20:11
  Speaker 3: structure and you know, they have routines and things like that,
• 20:14
  Speaker 3: and so she has that almost like lag time period
• 20:17
  Speaker 3: when they do come home, like what you said with
• 20:18
  Speaker 3: the twenty four hours, where it's like sometimes a couple
• 20:20
  Speaker 3: of days, like it takes eight hours. They're more defiant, Yeah,
• 20:23
  Speaker 3: they say no more, they push back more. They don't
• 20:26
  Speaker 3: want to eat the things that they normally eat at
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: the home because they're given ice cream all the time
• 20:29
  Speaker 3: over there. And just things like that where you find
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: the conflict between trying to assert structure with the children
• 20:34
  Speaker 3: but then having to undo that work and insert those
• 20:37
  Speaker 3: boundaries even more.
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: Oh.
• 20:38
  Speaker 4: Absolutely, I use the analogy. It's like you do up
• 20:42
  Speaker 4: the shoelace and you double not it, and then you
• 20:43
  Speaker 4: send it to the other house and it comes back
• 20:45
  Speaker 4: un done.
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 20:46
  Speaker 4: I got to go little things like let's say that
• 20:49
  Speaker 4: the changeovers on a Friday, that's our change over day.
• 20:51
  Speaker 4: I will most likely do takeaway, like we'll get typhood
• 20:54
  Speaker 4: most likely. And when I were a little bit younger,
• 20:56
  Speaker 4: we used to go to a trampoline park straight from school.
• 20:58
  Speaker 4: I had a system that allowed them to go and
• 21:02
  Speaker 4: trans Yeah, and transition happy, excited. You look forward to,
• 21:05
  Speaker 4: oh can we get have dessert? Yeah, of course you can.
• 21:07
  Speaker 4: No worries. Is there a bedtime time? No bedtime, but
• 21:09
  Speaker 4: they'll fall asleep by nine or nine. Like there's things
• 21:12
  Speaker 4: that you can put in place, have a system, have
• 21:15
  Speaker 4: your rule book, like create it for your family, and
• 21:17
  Speaker 4: then by the Saturday, it's a little bit easy to
• 21:19
  Speaker 4: be like, hey, we don't do that here, or you know,
• 21:21
  Speaker 4: we don't speak like that to each other in this house,
• 21:23
  Speaker 4: and just those little minor things start to be downplate
• 21:27
  Speaker 4: as opposed to them just being yea quite big.
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: I love that you said you'd make it fun when
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: they come back. Of course they're going to miss their
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: mum or whatever they used to do at mum's house.
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: That transition could be hard, but it's like, oh, what
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: we get to go to the trampling parks, so kind
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: of house dissolves that sadness and the transition gets.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: To be fine. Like you did that for your girls.
• 21:43
  Speaker 4: That's really nice. I think that's what I want for
• 21:45
  Speaker 4: my kids as well, if that ever were to happen,
• 21:47
  Speaker 4: not that it will. I'd want them to be excited,
• 21:49
  Speaker 4: but not want them to feel like I miss my mom.
• 21:51
  Speaker 4: That's not a nice feeling for anyone or their dad.
• 21:55
  Speaker 4: So yeah, to get some of technology as well that afternoon. Yes,
• 21:58
  Speaker 4: most kids that are into the primary school age, they're
• 22:00
  Speaker 4: exhausted on Friday afternoon. Yeah, they don't need to sit
• 22:03
  Speaker 4: in front of the TV until they all asleep. They
• 22:04
  Speaker 4: need to play and just get their energy.
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: R a kid take the energy because that's regulating for
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: the nervous system too is to play. I saw a
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: TikTok and I loved to know europeinion. This woman was
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: saying that dating a man with kids is a red flag.
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: What's your thoughts about that?
• 22:19
  Speaker 4: I think dating man with kids assuming that he has
• 22:22
  Speaker 4: access to his children life. Yeah, for contacts on that ladies,
• 22:27
  Speaker 4: she doesn't have clun doesn't have access. True, but dating
• 22:31
  Speaker 4: man with kids who you know, sees his children regularly,
• 22:33
  Speaker 4: loves his kids in his life, he's proud to be
• 22:35
  Speaker 4: their dad. It is the biggest green flag man. That
• 22:39
  Speaker 4: is not a red flag. That man has been committed
• 22:41
  Speaker 4: to someone. He's been in a relationship whilst it didn't
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: work out for whatever reason. You know, even if let's
• 22:46
  Speaker 4: just say the big things that can happen in the
• 22:47
  Speaker 4: breakdown of a divorce, you know, gambling or addiction or affairs,
• 22:51
  Speaker 4: all of that stems from two people not feeling that
• 22:53
  Speaker 4: they're worthy and good enough. Right, So, realistically the relationship
• 22:56
  Speaker 4: didn't work out, yes, because there was this big, big,
• 22:58
  Speaker 4: surface level thing, But at the bottom, the root cause
• 23:00
  Speaker 4: was there was a much deeper level of you know,
• 23:02
  Speaker 4: self worth and self esteem problems, that they're likely going
• 23:04
  Speaker 4: to go now and find their happiness within themselves and
• 23:07
  Speaker 4: then find a ligne partners right When that is the case,
• 23:10
  Speaker 4: they might not have been the best partner to that person,
• 23:12
  Speaker 4: but doesn't mean they haven't changed and they haven't grown
• 23:14
  Speaker 4: into themselves. I think it's actually a huge green flag.
• 23:19
  Speaker 4: They're likely financially stable. They've provided for a family before,
• 23:23
  Speaker 4: you know, they might own their home, or they might
• 23:25
  Speaker 4: you know, own their cars, or they might have a business.
• 23:27
  Speaker 4: They've created a life for themselves, and they've been committed
• 23:29
  Speaker 4: to their growth and their healing. In that same sentence,
• 23:32
  Speaker 4: because separating from someone is really hard. It's a really
• 23:36
  Speaker 4: grueling decision to make. And that speaks a lot to
• 23:39
  Speaker 4: how a person wants their life to be and what
• 23:41
  Speaker 4: standard they want to live their life, what stand they
• 23:43
  Speaker 4: want themselves to live, What happiness do they want to find?
• 23:46
  Speaker 4: So I really feel like kids might feel like baggage
• 23:50
  Speaker 4: right to a lot of women and feel like, oh,
• 23:51
  Speaker 4: couldn't possibly I get this comment all the time. I
• 23:53
  Speaker 4: would never do it again, couldn't possibly do it? It was
• 23:56
  Speaker 4: all too hard. Yeah, it can be really different to
• 23:59
  Speaker 4: being a normal as in traditional family, It is really
• 24:03
  Speaker 4: different to that, but there is so much matter. There
• 24:05
  Speaker 4: is so much You get to almost have a trial
• 24:07
  Speaker 4: run of parenthood as well. You see your partner as
• 24:10
  Speaker 4: a parent, what kind of parent are they? What do
• 24:12
  Speaker 4: you like, what do you're not like. You get to
• 24:14
  Speaker 4: have these conversations a lot sooner because most of the
• 24:17
  Speaker 4: time that adult probably wants to have a kid sooner
• 24:19
  Speaker 4: rather than later if they've had a couple right. And
• 24:22
  Speaker 4: for a lot of women, I think when you enter
• 24:24
  Speaker 4: in your relationship and let's just say, like you've both
• 24:26
  Speaker 4: been single for a long time and there's no kids involved,
• 24:28
  Speaker 4: I think for a lot of men there's a commitment
• 24:30
  Speaker 4: fear where they're like, oh, I don't really want to
• 24:31
  Speaker 4: get engaged, to get married, to have a baby, and
• 24:33
  Speaker 4: a woman's like, no, no, like I really want to
• 24:35
  Speaker 4: do those things in the next couple of years, and
• 24:36
  Speaker 4: they're like, oh, no, we'll wait. I think that's quite common.
• 24:39
  Speaker 4: But noticing that for women that get into a relationship
• 24:42
  Speaker 4: with a man, he's ready to commit, he's ready to settle,
• 24:45
  Speaker 4: he wants to married life, and if you're his person,
• 24:47
  Speaker 4: he's like, no, let's look in, let's have that baby,
• 24:49
  Speaker 4: and like things seem to speed up a lot as well.
• 24:52
  Speaker 4: But everyone is different and everyone's entitled to feel what's
• 24:55
  Speaker 4: best for them. I do think that a lot of
• 24:58
  Speaker 4: women put a big cross on a man with a
• 25:00
  Speaker 4: kid if he's proudly a dad, and I think that
• 25:03
  Speaker 4: you need to be more open to that, because there's
• 25:05
  Speaker 4: some magic if you choose to be open.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: Beautiful, but death to turn on too.
• 25:11
  Speaker 3: I see like responsibility and dedication, all those things that
• 25:14
  Speaker 3: you were saying, and also like, especially if I don't
• 25:16
  Speaker 3: know why for some reason, if a man has a daughter,
• 25:18
  Speaker 3: I'm like, oh, I just know that he's suspectful, kind
• 25:21
  Speaker 3: and gentle and nurturing and all of those things. Not always,
• 25:23
  Speaker 3: of course that's a huge generalization, but for the most part,
• 25:26
  Speaker 3: and men that I have seen, I'm like, it's so beautiful,
• 25:29
  Speaker 3: but I get what you see. I can see how
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: there would be a fear of like quote unquote baggage.
• 25:33
  Speaker 4: Yes, you're not just dealing with him how to deal
• 25:36
  Speaker 4: with the ex partner, Yes, and you might have you know,
• 25:41
  Speaker 4: the customer arrangement might not suit your lifestyle. You know,
• 25:44
  Speaker 4: it might be fifth sixty forty. You might have them
• 25:47
  Speaker 4: full time. What you're walking into You have to be
• 25:49
  Speaker 4: really open to having big conversations from the start, have
• 25:53
  Speaker 4: the hard convos, do not avoid it, speak your truth,
• 25:56
  Speaker 4: speak your concerns, actually own them, and be like, this
• 25:59
  Speaker 4: is what worries me, this is what I'm afraid of.
• 26:02
  Speaker 4: Let's talk about it, because if you don't, it's going
• 26:04
  Speaker 4: to come up and you're going to build a brick
• 26:06
  Speaker 4: wall of resentment, and every damn brick it just gets
• 26:09
  Speaker 4: heavier and harder to have those conversations, to be vulnerable
• 26:12
  Speaker 4: with yourself and with.
• 26:13
  Speaker 3: Your partner, that's beautiful. What would you say to somebody
• 26:16
  Speaker 3: who's like recently come into this new dynamic of becoming
• 26:19
  Speaker 3: a step parent and they're currently facing those little micro
• 26:23
  Speaker 3: triggers that happen that they're not used to having when
• 26:25
  Speaker 3: they're single, on their own or maybe even in a relationship,
• 26:28
  Speaker 3: Now that they're being faced with little mirrors of their
• 26:30
  Speaker 3: own behavior, how would you coach someone through moving through
• 26:34
  Speaker 3: those triggers in the initial stages.
• 26:36
  Speaker 4: Well, first of all, if you're in that stage, then
• 26:38
  Speaker 4: you need to be open to doing the work and
• 26:39
  Speaker 4: getting some support and getting some help, and you need
• 26:42
  Speaker 4: to be willing to actually look at yourself right look
• 26:44
  Speaker 4: at the things that are happening for you, because these
• 26:46
  Speaker 4: triggers didn't start from the children, the step kids. They
• 26:48
  Speaker 4: started when you're between zero and seven. And we know
• 26:50
  Speaker 4: that right, the unconscious mind and how we store our
• 26:53
  Speaker 4: self belief and self trust and self worth. You've got
• 26:56
  Speaker 4: to be ready to go back and you know, dance
• 26:58
  Speaker 4: with that and what's available to you and what's accessible
• 27:01
  Speaker 4: to you Behind that is going to be peace within
• 27:03
  Speaker 4: yourself and ability not to project onto your home. But
• 27:07
  Speaker 4: you have to be willing to look back that fast.
• 27:09
  Speaker 4: So there are different things that I would go through
• 27:11
  Speaker 4: any initial stages right if I was working with someone.
• 27:14
  Speaker 4: But one of the biggest things is that people they
• 27:16
  Speaker 4: have that wall up so high of like, oh no,
• 27:18
  Speaker 4: this isn't about me, it's about everyone else around me,
• 27:20
  Speaker 4: and that you're stuck in this mindset of blaming other people,
• 27:23
  Speaker 4: like the kids do this, and my partner does this,
• 27:24
  Speaker 4: and the acts is doing this, and if they would
• 27:26
  Speaker 4: just stop this, so that person would stop this, everything
• 27:28
  Speaker 4: would be fine again. But you know what, it's not.
• 27:30
  Speaker 4: It's not fine because you still haven't dealt with your shit.
• 27:33
  Speaker 4: So bringing people to that awareness it's can sometimes take
• 27:35
  Speaker 4: a little bit of time, but you also need them
• 27:38
  Speaker 4: to come to it themselves and be like cool, So
• 27:40
  Speaker 4: you know how I've been talking about this, This is
• 27:42
  Speaker 4: what that means?
• 27:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah? Absolutely, Because if somebody is coming in and they going, oh,
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: they're so opinionated, or they've got a little attitude or
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: you know, and they start like, you know, they notice
• 27:50
  Speaker 3: all the little triggers and all of the behaviors. If
• 27:52
  Speaker 3: somebody were willing, how would you reflect that to them?
• 27:55
  Speaker 4: Oh, I'd say, how is this you? And how did
• 27:57
  Speaker 4: you create this? Where's your sassa? What are you feeling
• 28:01
  Speaker 4: sassy about that you're not voicing?
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 28:03
  Speaker 4: What are you feeling passion about that you're not voicing?
• 28:06
  Speaker 4: Because they're just mirroring you and reminding you of what
• 28:09
  Speaker 4: you are or are not right, So we would explore
• 28:12
  Speaker 4: that or who told you that you couldn't be sassy?
• 28:14
  Speaker 3: So cool? Just anyone who's listening, who is a step
• 28:16
  Speaker 3: parent to start going on that journey of self reflection
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: because it is it's uncomfortable. It doesn't matter what you
• 28:20
  Speaker 3: do in terms of anything that you're looking at. But obviously,
• 28:23
  Speaker 3: you know, the women the men who are being thrust
• 28:24
  Speaker 3: into a dynamic of a blended family are like, you know,
• 28:27
  Speaker 3: having to face all of these things before they're even ready,
• 28:30
  Speaker 3: like whenever ready looking things that come up for us.
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: But like what you said on an even fast track timeline, Yeah,
• 28:36
  Speaker 3: I haven't chosen to have children yourself, but you're coming
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: into a dynamic or you've become a parent now, yeah,
• 28:41
  Speaker 3: you have to learn those things so much quicker than
• 28:43
  Speaker 3: what you would.
• 28:44
  Speaker 4: You've got people that were just in my experience, I go, oh, oh,
• 28:46
  Speaker 4: I can't believe you do that. Oh wow, really that
• 28:49
  Speaker 4: must be so hard. It was a very negative Sure
• 28:52
  Speaker 4: you want to get involved with them, like that was
• 28:54
  Speaker 4: on repeat for years, and I was like, dude, like
• 28:56
  Speaker 4: this is okay for me. I'm happy with this and
• 28:58
  Speaker 4: I want this and I'm not going anywhere. So that
• 29:01
  Speaker 4: was the only opinions I was getting and there was
• 29:03
  Speaker 4: just no support anywhere.
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: So it's uncomfortable.
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: I'd love to talk about weaponizing kids because I know
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: this happens a lot and it's so fucking sad. Yep,
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: can we talk about that?
• 29:12
  Speaker 4: Yeah, for sure. Parental alienation is one of the biggest
• 29:14
  Speaker 4: conversations on my socials at the moment. I'm getting hundreds
• 29:17
  Speaker 4: of messages from men just heartbroken and shout with like five, seven,
• 29:20
  Speaker 4: ten years on, still carrying the weight of not having
• 29:22
  Speaker 4: contact with their children. God, and their stories just break
• 29:26
  Speaker 4: your freaking heart. In most cases, and I won't speak
• 29:29
  Speaker 4: to all cases, but this is a huge generalization. Is
• 29:31
  Speaker 4: women that lose their partnership and the men might go
• 29:36
  Speaker 4: and move on. Everything might be fine until he moves on.
• 29:39
  Speaker 4: That just I guess reflects back to her that she
• 29:41
  Speaker 4: might feel not enough or for whatever reason, she decides
• 29:43
  Speaker 4: to focus solely on control, on weaponizing the children because
• 29:47
  Speaker 4: that's all they've got left. They can't abuse the money.
• 29:50
  Speaker 4: They can't say you know you're never coming to this house.
• 29:52
  Speaker 4: They can't say you've never seen your kids again if
• 29:53
  Speaker 4: there's a quarter arrangement that they've gone through. But they
• 29:56
  Speaker 4: can weaponize the kids through parental alienation, and it's emotional abuse.
• 30:00
  Speaker 4: And just for context for anyone listening, parental alienation is
• 30:04
  Speaker 4: only when the there are two healthy co parents available
• 30:07
  Speaker 4: and accessible to the children. This does not speak to
• 30:09
  Speaker 4: domestic violence in any sense. People seem to get very
• 30:12
  Speaker 4: confused very quickly on but you know what, if he
• 30:14
  Speaker 4: was assaulting me and I removed my kids to say them. No, no, no,
• 30:17
  Speaker 4: that's not presclination. You arewn a completely separate conversation weaponizing
• 30:21
  Speaker 4: the kids in the way that women, primarily in the
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: clients that I have worked with, are using emotional conditioning
• 30:28
  Speaker 4: and really just breaking these kids down to have a
• 30:31
  Speaker 4: belief system that they either question the step parent or
• 30:35
  Speaker 4: they start to hate the stepparent and the biological parent.
• 30:38
  Speaker 4: They question everything that happens within the house. I had
• 30:41
  Speaker 4: a client who got his son and daughter back and
• 30:44
  Speaker 4: the son said, Mummy said, you don't love me anymore.
• 30:48
  Speaker 4: That's why you didn't pick me up yesterday. And what
• 30:51
  Speaker 4: he didn't know was Mummy went to school early on
• 30:54
  Speaker 4: daddy's day, picked up the child. Child screaming and crying
• 30:57
  Speaker 4: for daddy. You said, daddy was getting me wise and
• 30:59
  Speaker 4: Daddy here, and she said he doesn't love you. I'm
• 31:00
  Speaker 4: getting you and took him and Dad still went to
• 31:02
  Speaker 4: the school not knowing where's my kid? And they said, Mom,
• 31:05
  Speaker 4: come and got him early. That heart deeply seated, like
• 31:08
  Speaker 4: she is just in printing and in printing and imprinting
• 31:10
  Speaker 4: this woman. And that is just one of a hundred
• 31:12
  Speaker 4: things that I could tell you on that beautiful family
• 31:14
  Speaker 4: that are trying to navigate this season without retaliating, and
• 31:17
  Speaker 4: if you say something, you are met with a lawyer's letter,
• 31:21
  Speaker 4: a threat to go back to court, a threat to
• 31:23
  Speaker 4: accuse you of this. So you know, I've got a
• 31:25
  Speaker 4: photo of a few six years ago doing drugs. I'm going
• 31:27
  Speaker 4: to share it with the media. Like the things that
• 31:29
  Speaker 4: they go through, these men and women on either side, right,
• 31:33
  Speaker 4: Like I did generalize this and say that it is
• 31:35
  Speaker 4: primarily women that I have worked with, but men doing
• 31:38
  Speaker 4: this as well. They are just conditioning these little people
• 31:41
  Speaker 4: to believe that the other parents doesn't want them in
• 31:43
  Speaker 4: their life because the other parents found happiness or peace.
• 31:48
  Speaker 4: These people just want to control these kids and that's
• 31:50
  Speaker 4: the only thing that they have left to do. And
• 31:51
  Speaker 4: it is fucking disgusting.
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: Oh that's heartbreaking.
• 31:54
  Speaker 4: It is not okay, Like kids are losing their parents.
• 31:57
  Speaker 4: My dad used to speak so poorly of my mom,
• 32:01
  Speaker 4: so ill of her, hated her. God, he hated I
• 32:04
  Speaker 4: still does. The last thing that he ever said to
• 32:06
  Speaker 4: me was in a text and said do nothing but
• 32:08
  Speaker 4: see you and te like your mother. And I haven't
• 32:11
  Speaker 4: spoken to him since. And that was twenty twenty and
• 32:13
  Speaker 4: we were gone and off for a very long time
• 32:14
  Speaker 4: prior to that. But this man my entire childhood, only
• 32:17
  Speaker 4: spoke poorly of her. She took all my money. That's
• 32:19
  Speaker 4: why I'm poor. We can't do this because I give you,
• 32:21
  Speaker 4: Mum all my money, and it's like, dude, she has
• 32:23
  Speaker 4: this one hundred percent at the time he sees once
• 32:25
  Speaker 4: a fortnight. Yes, you should give her your money. But
• 32:28
  Speaker 4: Mom never spoke out of place about him. She was like,
• 32:30
  Speaker 4: your dad loves you. He's doing the best he can.
• 32:33
  Speaker 4: You know. She never said one bad thing about him.
• 32:35
  Speaker 4: So it didn't work. It went in the opposite direction
• 32:38
  Speaker 4: for me, but for a lot of kids it doesn't.
• 32:40
  Speaker 4: If I was a boy and I was the oldest child,
• 32:43
  Speaker 4: maybe I would have believed Dad because I would have
• 32:45
  Speaker 4: wanted Dad's affection and attention because I'm a boy, and
• 32:47
  Speaker 4: you know, I would have idolized him, and he might
• 32:49
  Speaker 4: have been my hero. And that could have gone really
• 32:52
  Speaker 4: differently from my family. But I could see through that,
• 32:54
  Speaker 4: and I felt a lot of guilt in my relationship
• 32:57
  Speaker 4: to him for a very long time, like I held
• 32:58
  Speaker 4: that guilt in all areas of my life. And yeah,
• 33:01
  Speaker 4: it wasn't until twenty twenty when I decided like no, this,
• 33:04
  Speaker 4: this isn't going to case continue amount on this one.
• 33:06
  Speaker 4: So it can play out in lots of different ways.
• 33:09
  Speaker 4: Take a look in the mirror, take a step back
• 33:11
  Speaker 4: and see the future where a child is so dysregulated
• 33:13
  Speaker 4: with their nervous system and they can't find peace within
• 33:16
  Speaker 4: themselves and that they struggle to find self Worse, you
• 33:19
  Speaker 4: are literally telling them that they are unloved by their parent.
• 33:22
  Speaker 4: It's not okay, like go on heal.
• 33:25
  Speaker 3: Oh, I imagine when you're in it, you're so consumed
• 33:28
  Speaker 3: by all of the things that you're navigating within the relationship,
• 33:30
  Speaker 3: the dynamic and things that it's like you don't realize
• 33:32
  Speaker 3: the impact of how your behavior that you're doing is
• 33:34
  Speaker 3: then impacting the little ones suffering. And just by those
• 33:37
  Speaker 3: little words and those little things that you say you
• 33:39
  Speaker 3: feel a little, it's like that'll stay with the child
• 33:41
  Speaker 3: for the rest of their life. Oh.
• 33:42
  Speaker 4: Absolutely, even little things like mum or dad has more
• 33:44
  Speaker 4: money than me, bringing finances into it for a kids
• 33:47
  Speaker 4: awareness pieces to say that you will have less than
• 33:49
  Speaker 4: at one house than you do at the other house. Meanwhile,
• 33:51
  Speaker 4: one person might not work and beyond benefits and all
• 33:54
  Speaker 4: one person might work casually and it has you know,
• 33:57
  Speaker 4: no discipline, no drive, no desire to do any more
• 33:59
  Speaker 4: than three casual shifts. Await right, And the other person's
• 34:02
  Speaker 4: running a business and you know, working up until midnight
• 34:05
  Speaker 4: at night and going to work early and providing all
• 34:07
  Speaker 4: of this beautiful lifestyle. And then the kids are going like, oh,
• 34:10
  Speaker 4: this person is saying that you know, they've got all
• 34:11
  Speaker 4: the money and they should pay for everything, but it's
• 34:14
  Speaker 4: like how much more does that family need to be doing?
• 34:16
  Speaker 4: And I think that when there's conditioning around finances that
• 34:19
  Speaker 4: creates victim for young children as well, like kids being
• 34:22
  Speaker 4: young adults and thinking that they're stuck in that victim
• 34:24
  Speaker 4: would sort of mindset financially, and the reason they don't
• 34:28
  Speaker 4: have things is because you know, ex house didn't provide
• 34:30
  Speaker 4: when they had all this money, and it's like, no,
• 34:32
  Speaker 4: they were teaching you, you know, at a healthy, accountable
• 34:35
  Speaker 4: way of life where you have to work for what
• 34:37
  Speaker 4: you want and you know you can't just go a
• 34:39
  Speaker 4: government benefits or whatever that looks like. So yeah, yeah,
• 34:42
  Speaker 4: I think there's lots of different areas that parental alienation
• 34:45
  Speaker 4: can play out emotionally, financially, you know, physically with one
• 34:48
  Speaker 4: person doing a lot and the other person not really
• 34:51
  Speaker 4: doing much. People just need to be accountable to their
• 34:55
  Speaker 4: words and their behaviors.
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: Be better, Yeah, be better.
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: Just know because the impact hasn't the kids like they
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: don't deserve it, that they didn't choose this.
• 35:01
  Speaker 3: How would you support somebody who is experiencing the parental
• 35:04
  Speaker 3: alien How they would then navigate supporting the children through that?
• 35:10
  Speaker 4: Yeah, focusing on what you can't control. So one of
• 35:12
  Speaker 4: the things that I spoke to that client about with
• 35:14
  Speaker 4: their son and what he had said about daddy doesn't
• 35:16
  Speaker 4: love you. I asked what they said back. The dad said, look,
• 35:19
  Speaker 4: I did say that's not true. Mum's a liar, and
• 35:21
  Speaker 4: I said cool. So in the future, we're going to
• 35:23
  Speaker 4: correct that language because what you did was tell him
• 35:25
  Speaker 4: that you weren't a safe parent in that moment either.
• 35:26
  Speaker 4: So mummy was not a safe parent and daddy's not
• 35:28
  Speaker 4: a safe parent to talk about my feelings. So what
• 35:30
  Speaker 4: you need to say and how you need to change
• 35:32
  Speaker 4: that communication is I love you so much and I'm
• 35:34
  Speaker 4: sorry that that felt really hard for you yesterday. I
• 35:38
  Speaker 4: need you to know how much I love you, and
• 35:40
  Speaker 4: I will be there to pick you up next time
• 35:42
  Speaker 4: or communicate. You know, I will try and talk to
• 35:44
  Speaker 4: mummy about that. That's an adult conversation that's not for
• 35:47
  Speaker 4: your little ears. But I do love you so much,
• 35:49
  Speaker 4: And how do you feel when you're with me? Do
• 35:51
  Speaker 4: you think I love you? Or One thing that I
• 35:53
  Speaker 4: do encourage people to do, especially if they're at a
• 35:56
  Speaker 4: young age. You know, you want them to know that
• 35:58
  Speaker 4: the other parents lying, but also don't want them to
• 36:00
  Speaker 4: feel a certain way about the other parents, because then
• 36:02
  Speaker 4: you're contributing to the visualization like, oh, look up at
• 36:06
  Speaker 4: the sky. Is the sky green And they'll go no,
• 36:08
  Speaker 4: it's blue, and you go cool. So my love for
• 36:10
  Speaker 4: you is blue, right, So if you can create a
• 36:13
  Speaker 4: visualization for them it's not green. And I need you
• 36:15
  Speaker 4: to know what's true and what's not true. So when
• 36:18
  Speaker 4: I say I love you, can you notice that it's
• 36:20
  Speaker 4: blue and not green? And they go, yeah, I can
• 36:21
  Speaker 4: see that kind of yeah.
• 36:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 36:24
  Speaker 4: It just allows them to come back into their body,
• 36:27
  Speaker 4: notice what they feel within themselves, know what's true for
• 36:29
  Speaker 4: them without saying mom's a lie, she shouldn't have done.
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: This, but now it's blue.
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 36:35
  Speaker 3: You know how to think for themselves and like make
• 36:37
  Speaker 3: decisions and like come to and answer and resolve on
• 36:40
  Speaker 3: their own instead of going. Instead of you listening to daddy,
• 36:43
  Speaker 3: you should listen to me or vice versa.
• 36:45
  Speaker 4: Yeah, because you're so powerful, you're just reinforcing it right
• 36:47
  Speaker 4: and another way, you don't want to do the same
• 36:50
  Speaker 4: thing that they're doing. You want to just take the
• 36:51
  Speaker 4: power back, but give them their power back.
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: That's beautiful. I love that sky analogy. It's powerful to.
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: Wrap this up, what, in your opinion, your own words,
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: what does a healthy blended family look like to you?
• 37:01
  Speaker 4: As it looks like like emotionally intelligent adult doing the
• 37:06
  Speaker 4: work and continuing to grow as humans within each other.
• 37:09
  Speaker 4: It looks like step parents leading from a place of
• 37:12
  Speaker 4: love but also from authority and respect and holding a
• 37:15
  Speaker 4: certain standard and holding values within the home that align
• 37:19
  Speaker 4: being respectful, compassionate, being graceful to the kids, just really
• 37:23
  Speaker 4: noticing what do they need? Because you're not living their life.
• 37:26
  Speaker 4: You do not have two jobs with two different bosses,
• 37:28
  Speaker 4: so you cannot imagine what they're experiencing in terms of
• 37:30
  Speaker 4: their emotions in change over weeks, and you know, the
• 37:33
  Speaker 4: change of rules, regulations, even just close like, oh what
• 37:37
  Speaker 4: I have here? What coast do I have there, it's
• 37:39
  Speaker 4: the weekend, crack my jeans on here. I took them
• 37:41
  Speaker 4: back because I had somewhere to go, and I took
• 37:42
  Speaker 4: those my favorite genes. Like, there's so many little moments
• 37:45
  Speaker 4: that you don't exist in that lifestyle. So to bring
• 37:47
  Speaker 4: yourself back to how you can support them, meet them
• 37:51
  Speaker 4: on their level when you need to create time for
• 37:53
  Speaker 4: yourself as well to burn yourself out, like be really
• 37:56
  Speaker 4: really stick with that. I think just yeah, leading as
• 37:59
  Speaker 4: an emotionally intelligent human is the best thing that you
• 38:02
  Speaker 4: can do. And if you're not doing that right now,
• 38:04
  Speaker 4: go and stuff the work.
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: Do you encourage the step parents to always try to
• 38:08
  Speaker 2: have a relationship with the other parent.
• 38:10
  Speaker 4: I think that everyone is different, Every single blended family
• 38:13
  Speaker 4: is different, and what works for one is not going
• 38:16
  Speaker 4: to work for another. Having an amicable, you know, ideal
• 38:20
  Speaker 4: several relationship is great, but you're living two separate lives.
• 38:24
  Speaker 4: Like a lot of people don't want to be integrated
• 38:27
  Speaker 4: together in that, Like they might be repartnering and things
• 38:29
  Speaker 4: as well, and they don't want to share that with you.
• 38:31
  Speaker 4: But also, what do the kids need? You know, I
• 38:33
  Speaker 4: will never not acknowledge the girls, Well, when the kids
• 38:36
  Speaker 4: are with her and we're in the same place. Like,
• 38:38
  Speaker 4: I just think that is the deepest disrespect that I
• 38:40
  Speaker 4: can offer my stepdaughters. So I will always say hello
• 38:42
  Speaker 4: and always say goodbye. We don't need to sit and
• 38:44
  Speaker 4: talk about our lives together, but we have mutual ground,
• 38:48
  Speaker 4: which is we both deeply love our girls, so you
• 38:51
  Speaker 4: know there is a respect that has to be met
• 38:52
  Speaker 4: within that.
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: That's beautiful.
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much for sharing all of your wisdom
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: and for anyone listening that's like going through this, Where
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: can they find you and how can they work with you?
• 39:01
  Speaker 4: Yes, so all my socials are at step parent Coach,
• 39:04
  Speaker 4: my podcast to step in a podcast on Spotify, and yeah,
• 39:07
  Speaker 4: all my contact info is in there. My books are
• 39:09
  Speaker 4: closed until next year, which is absolutely loud. But there
• 39:14
  Speaker 4: is a weight list, so jump on that because things
• 39:16
  Speaker 4: change quickly. People just travel people, you know, ground dates
• 39:19
  Speaker 4: and things. So occasionally I will have a place opened
• 39:22
  Speaker 4: and yeah, just jump on that weight list so you
• 39:24
  Speaker 4: could be the first to know. Yeah. I'm just so
• 39:26
  Speaker 4: grateful to have been here today. Girls. Thank you so
• 39:28
  Speaker 4: much for having me and thank you for inviting me.
• 39:29
  Speaker 4: It's so nice to speak to such aligned bloody women.
• 39:32
  Speaker 2: Just so good to get this information out there, because
• 39:34
  Speaker 2: I've never really seen anyone talk about this in such
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: a niche area.
• 39:37
  Speaker 3: I think it's really powerful as well. There are a
• 39:39
  Speaker 3: lot of women men going through this alone. Yeah, probably
• 39:41
  Speaker 3: don't have a lot of places to turn. And I
• 39:43
  Speaker 3: think parenting or just parenthood in general, is one of
• 39:46
  Speaker 3: those topics where people try to stray away from it,
• 39:49
  Speaker 3: and I think it's really amazing that you're doing that
• 39:51
  Speaker 3: because there are a lot of opinions on parenting that
• 39:54
  Speaker 3: I've seen, and people are very spicy and very fiery
• 39:57
  Speaker 3: about what they believe and are so happy to project
• 39:59
  Speaker 3: onto that. So I think it's really beautiful what you're doing.
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: I thank you girls, thank you, thank you listening guys,
• 40:03
  Speaker 2: and we will see you on Wednesday five