Latest / Confident and Empowered Women / You Already Know What You’re Going Back To | EP 334

Transcript

You Already Know What You’re Going Back To | EP 334 · Confident and Empowered Women

• 0:05
  The relationship doesn't change because they finally see your worth.
• 0:10
  It changes because you finally do.
• 0:13
  How much time have you spent hoping, wishing, and praying they would change?
• 0:19
  What if whole time the real invitation was waiting for you to change?
• 0:24
  When questioning whether or not to spin the block, you already know what you're going back to.
• 0:30
  So the question then becomes, do you want what you've already had, or are you willing to go forward towards what you say you really want?
• 0:41
  And before we get into today's conversation, make sure you're following the show so that you don't miss anything.
• 0:48
  Because around here, we talk about all the things that happen in real life, the choices, the relationships, the disappointments, the dreams, and all of the moments that bring you back to yourself.
• 1:01
  So if you like a little laughter with your life-changing conversations, go ahead and hit that follow button.
• 1:08
  And if this podcast has ever made you feel seen, understood, or slightly called out, but called out with love, leave a review.
• 1:17
  there are women out there looking for these conversations, and we want them to know that they are not walking into an empty room.
• 1:25
  Your review tells the next woman, "Girl, come sit down.
• 1:29
  You are in the right place."
• 1:31
  So let's get into it Hey friend, welcome back.
• 1:36
  We gotta talk about spinning the block.
• 1:40
  You know, going back, reopening the door, answering that, "Hey stranger," text even though that person is not a stranger.
• 1:48
  Soon as they hit you with the, "Hey you," you already know exactly who that is, what they do, and why their name should probably still be blocked and categorized under DOA, okay?
• 2:01
  Dead on arrival.
• 2:04
  But suddenly, here you are staring at the phone like the opening scene of a romantic comedy.
• 2:10
  And listen, I understand because once- enough time passes, your memory can become a highly skilled video editor.
• 2:19
  It cut out all the crying, deleted the arguments, even removed the scene where you were sitting on the side of the bed wondering how somebody who claims to love you Could be the catalyst to you feeling so alone
• 2:32
  And then it adds in a little '90s R&B in the background and plays a highlight reel of the three good dates you had.
• 2:43
  And now you're thinking maybe it wasn't that bad.
• 2:46
  Friend, yes it was.
• 2:52
  You just haven't watched the unedited version lately because listen, the signs were there.
• 3:02
  And no shame, no shade, and no judgment because we have all found ourselves staying in a relationship longer than we probably should have.
• 3:12
  Sometimes the signs were loud, flashing, even doing choreography in the middle of the street with a marching band behind them.
• 3:20
  It's giving drumline battle vibes, okay?
• 3:25
  And sometimes they were quieter.
• 3:28
  It was the way you always had to explain why something hurt you, the way the apology sounded good but never produced different behavior, the way you kept asking for the same thing but using different words, different tones, even
• 3:42
  a different approach, and possibly a full PowerPoint presentation only to keep getting the same results.
• 3:51
  You noticed.
• 3:52
  You knew something wasn't right.
• 3:54
  But instead of believing what you were experiencing, you started explaining it Well, he had a difficult childhood.
• 4:02
  See, she's under a lot of stress, or he has never had a healthy relationship, she doesn't know how to communicate.
• 4:10
  He's afraid of being vulnerable, or the classic, "They didn't mean it like that."
• 4:15
  And maybe all of that was true.
• 4:17
  People don't become who they are out of nowhere.
• 4:21
  Their history matters, their wounds and experiences, all of it matters.
• 4:25
  But at some point, you have to ask yourself, how long are their reasons supposed to become your responsibility?
• 4:34
  Because understanding why someone hurts you does not make it hurt any less, okay?
• 4:40
  Their intention doesn't erase the impact.
• 4:43
  Their childhood may explain their behavior, but it does not give them unlimited permission to bleed all over life.
• 4:53
  You can have compassion for what happened to them and still tell the truth about what is currently happening to you And you keep hoping they'll change.
• 5:05
  This is where hope can get a little tricky.
• 5:08
  Hope is beautiful when it's connected to truth, movement, and evidence.
• 5:13
  But sometimes what we call hope is really our refusal to accept what somebody has consistently shown us.
• 5:22
  You aren't hoping because they're changing.
• 5:25
  You're hoping because you don't want to admit that they may never become the person you need them to be.
• 5:32
  Ooh, this is where that falling in love with potential comes in.
• 5:36
  The person they could be if they healed.
• 5:38
  The partner they could be if they took responsibility.
• 5:42
  What's even worse is when they were on their best behavior in the beginning, during that honeymoon phase where everything was everything.
• 5:52
  They're kind, considerate, oh-so sweet, treating you the way you deserve to be treated And all those memories become the very thing you keep trying to get back to.
• 6:04
  Back to the relationship you could have if they finally understood what they were about to lose.
• 6:11
  They have one beautiful moment, and suddenly you think everything has turned around.
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  They remember your favorite snack.
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  Okay, listen, snacks go a long way.
• 6:21
  And now you've forgotten the emotional unavailability.
• 6:25
  They send the long paragraph and you think this time they finally get it.
• 6:30
  But friend, punctuation and a cute paragraph is not transformation.
• 6:37
  A well-written apology is not changed behavior.
• 6:40
  A promise is not a pattern, and you cannot keep building a relationship on the version of them who only appears when you're almost done.
• 6:50
  Meanwhile, you're in a relationship with who they could become instead of the person who keeps showing up.
• 6:57
  Potential and who they pretended to be will have you planning a future with somebody who isn't even doing their part in the present.
• 7:06
  And because you see the good in people, you keep giving the good more weight than the pattern Now listen, I'm not telling you this from a podium at some press conference telling you to do better.
• 7:19
  I learned this lesson in a toxic relationship.
• 7:22
  There came a point when I had to stop looking at who I hoped this person would become and tell the truth about what I was actually living.
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  because you can't treat me bad, refuse to hold up your end of the relationship, and cheat on me.
• 7:38
  Sir, this is not an unlimited strikes situation, okay?
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  You don't get to mistreat me, neglect the relationship, bring extracurricular activities into a marriage and still expect me to keep standing at home holding the door open.
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  No.
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  Strike three, You're out.
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  I'm talking like the ref on Wild 'n Out.
• 8:02
  And listen, I can say that and laugh now, but there was nothing funny about coming to that decision.
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  It was painful, scary.
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  There were children involved.
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  There was a life involved and even dreams There was a version of the future I thought I was supposed to have.
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  Leaving wasn't simply walking away from a person, it was grieving everything I hoped the relationship could become.
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  But eventually, I had to take a stand for myself.
• 8:35
  I had to stop waiting for him to change the relationship and realize that the person who needed to change the game was me Not because his behavior was my fault Because it certainly was not my responsibility to fix
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  what he broke But I was the only person who could decide that I would no longer participate in it.
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  That was my power.
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  I couldn't make him become a different man.
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  I couldn't love him into changing.
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  I couldn't explain my pain so beautifully that it suddenly gave him the capacity or the willingness to treat me well.
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  But I could decide what happened to me next, and this is the part that we sometimes miss.
• 9:23
  We spend so much time waiting for the other person to change that we forget we are also allowed to make a change.
• 9:31
  And friend, you are allowed to let this change how you see them Sometimes you're not only grieving the relationship, you're grieving the person you thought they were.
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  Because once somebody shows you a side of them you didn't expect, you may feel pressure to hurry up and get back to how you saw them before.
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  You tell yourself they made a mistake.
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  Everybody deserves grace.
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  Nobody's perfect.
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  And yes, people make mistakes, but you are allowed to let what happened become information.
• 10:07
  You're allowed to let repeated dishonesty change the amount of trust you give.
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  You are allowed to let the way they handled your heart change how much access they have to it.
• 10:19
  That isn't punishment, it's discernment.
• 10:22
  You don't have to pretend you didn't see what you saw just because seeing it changed something you wanted to keep.
• 10:30
  Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself is stop arguing with the evidence But let's talk about why going back can feel so tempting.
• 10:41
  First, you miss them, and missing someone is real.
• 10:45
  you can know a relationship wasn't good for you and still miss the person, the companionship, the routine, the inside jokes, and the version of yourself who believed it would work.
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  But missing someone doesn't mean you made the wrong decision.
• 11:01
  missing them means you formed an attachment.
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  It means you're human.
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  Grief is not always an instruction to return.
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  It can simply be the emotional cost of moving forward.
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  The familiar feels safe.
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  And second, the familiar feels safe even when it isn't healthy.
• 11:19
  Starting over means stepping into uncertainty.
• 11:23
  Going back means returning to something you already know how to survive, and sometimes surviving what you know feels easier than risking what you don't and ooh, the loneliness, it can make you rewrite history.
• 11:40
  You start thinking about the good old times without remembering how lonely you felt while sitting right next to them.
• 11:48
  You miss having somebody, but you forget what it felt like to have somebody who still wasn't there for you.
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  And then they call.
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  They say they've changed.
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  They say they've been thinking about you, and losing you woke them up.
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  And maybe it did.
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  But before you walk back through that door, don't only listen to what they're saying.
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  Look at what has actually changed.
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  Not what they promise to do, not what they say they finally understand, but what have they already done differently without having access to you as the reward?
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  Because you already know what you're going back to if nothing has changed.
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  The same relationship, the same problems, apologies, the same strand of hope, and eventually the same pain.
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  The same movie with the same ending.
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  They just changed the promotional poster So what are you really going back to?
• 12:48
  And listen, we're friends, so we really gonna talk about it, okay?
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  Because you know exactly what you're going back to.
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  All the little inconsistencies that add up, the lying, the sneaking and hiding, the backhanded compliments, the digs, the slick put you in your place kind of comments.
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  They say one thing and do another.
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  Ooh, heavy on the other friend.
• 13:14
  And the stories that never seem to add up, the FaceTime they don't answer, and the alibis to corroborate the lies.
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  All of the reasons you help make excuses for.
• 13:26
  and listen, if your guilty pleasure is Love After Lockup like mine is, has Bonita taught us nothing?
• 13:35
  I'm just gonna leave that right there and let you do with it what you will.
• 13:43
  So before you spin the block, ask yourself, am I going back because the relationship has changed or because I'm uncomfortable with being without it?
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  Am I returning to something healthier or returning to something familiar?
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  Do I miss this person or do I miss who I hoped we would become?
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  Have they changed or have I simply had enough time to forget?
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  And the biggest question, who do I have to be to stay in this relationship?
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  And friend, are you still that same person you were when you were with them?
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  Were you quieter then?
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  Less honest, more understanding, less expectant, willing to accept the excuses even after you had a full BF and went Yosemite Sam.
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  Do you have to stop bringing things up because they accuse you of starting something?
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  Because you wanna be starting something.
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  You got to be starting something.
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  Listen, I'd have me a little MJ moment, okay?
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  'Cause you just wanna be starting something.
• 15:00
  Okay, let me quit playing, okay?
• 15:04
  But seriously, do you have to pretend that you don't see them playing in your face?
• 15:08
  Do you have to convince yourself that the bare minimum is enough because at least they're still around?
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  Do you have to keep betraying yourself to maintain the connection?
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  Because sometimes the clearest answer isn't found in asking whether you love them.
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  You can love them deeply.
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  The answer is found in asking whether loving them requires you to keep leaving yourself instead of loving yourself.
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  You do not have to be the sacrificial lamb and keep settling for less in order to be loved.
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  You don't have to compromise what you need and want to be in a relationship.
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  You don't have to betray yourself just to be with someone.
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  So who are you?
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  Who are you when you're with them?
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  Are you free to be the best of yourself when you're together?
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  Are you someone you respect when you're with them?
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  Because this is bigger than them and even bigger than the relationship.
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  This is about you and the relationship you have with yourself.
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  Every relationship mirrors that.
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  Is this reflection the one that you wanna see?
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  because friend, you can't hope somebody into changing.
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  You can't explain them into changing.
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  You can't even love them so perfectly that they finally decide to become accountable.
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  People change when they choose to change, and sometimes they don't.
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  That truth can break your heart, but it can also set you free.
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  Because once you stop making your future dependent on somebody else becoming different, you get your choices back.
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  You can stop asking, when are they going to change?
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  Because mind you, they'll only change when they think they have something that needs to be changed and are willing to make the changes for themselves.
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  Your question to be asking yourself is, What am I going to do with what I already know?
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  And listen, by no means am I saying that leaving is always easy.
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  It doesn't mean you won't grieve or have those moments when you question yourself and even wanna go back.
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  It means you remember that choosing yourself isn't a decision you make once.
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  Sometimes you have to choose yourself again when they call, again when you feel lonely, again when they make another promise and don't keep it, again when the good memories start playing louder than the truth, again when part of
• 18:00
  you wants to believe that this time will be different.
• 18:04
  Sometimes you gotta let people be who they are so you can be who you are.
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  You choose yourself by remembering the whole story, not only the scenes you miss.
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  So who are you?
• 18:19
  Who do you wanna be?
• 18:21
  Does this relationship reflect that?
• 18:24
  That's how you know if you should really spin the block, because it always comes full circle and leads you right on back to you But friend, if this conversation has you realizing how often you've ignored what you know,
• 18:45
  explained away what you felt, or waited for somebody else to make the change, I want you to download the Main Character Confidence Checklist.
• 18:54
  It'll help you see where you've been shrinking, settling, or leaving yourself out of your own decisions and where it's time to choose yourself again.
• 19:03
  It's free and it's linked in the show notes.
• 19:06
  Confidence isn't only walking into a room knowing you belong there.
• 19:12
  Sometimes confidence is closing a door you once begged someone else to keep open And now it's time for our favorite, the self-love two-step with the remix.
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  Okay, so let's bring this all the way into your reality.
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  Step one, reclaim your identity, Because listen, you are not the one who has to keep accepting pain to approve that your love is real.
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  You're not the one who has to wait indefinitely for someone to become who they promised they would be.
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  You are not difficult because you expect honesty, effort, accountability, and care.
• 19:55
  You are the one who is allowed to believe what you see, honor what you feel, and decide what you will no longer participate in.
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  Step two, build self-love daily.
• 20:09
  This week, write down the whole story, not only what you miss, Or the good moments or what they actually promised Write down what consistently happened, how you felt inside the relationship, what you keep asking for, and what staying
• 20:29
  requires you to ignore about yourself.
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  And keep it someplace that you can return to when the lonelies try to edit the footage.
• 20:40
  You don't need a full list to make them the villain, okay?
• 20:43
  That's not what this is.
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  You need it to keep yourself connected to the truth.
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  And then the you step.
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  You get still, you get quiet, and you ask yourself, "What's the next aligned step for me?"
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  And trust yourself.
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  You really do know what's best for you Now let me pour into you real quick.
• 21:08
  I know it can be hard to walk away from something you once prayed would work out.
• 21:14
  I know how painful it is to accept that love did not create the relationship you hoped it would.
• 21:21
  I know that part of you may even still wish they would change, come back differently, and make all the pain mean something.
• 21:31
  But your life does not have to remain paused while you wait for somebody else to become ready.
• 21:37
  Sometimes the relationship doesn't change because they finally see your worth.
• 21:42
  It changes because you finally do.
• 21:46
  And I know we talked a lot about relationships, but this applies to any area of your life that's calling you back.
• 21:54
  It could be that old job or friendship you were never quite happy in.
• 21:59
  Perhaps it's your old habits or behaviors that take you right back to a version of yourself that you're not proud of, the one you thought you already outgrew, the one who puts herself last, ignores her own needs and
• 22:15
  wants, the one who's insecure and has to go into stealth mode to find supporting evidence to build a case when whole time your intuition told you everything you needed to know the one who yells, cusses, fusses, and be
• 22:31
  doing all that hooting and hollering Because when that's not your true nature, one you are happy with and feel good about, those are all the signs that you're not being your true self.
• 22:44
  Wherever it is that you feel like you gave more than you ever got back, you stop negotiating with what you know.
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  You stop building your future around potential, and stop calling repeated behavior a mistake.
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  You stop returning to a place where you have to abandon yourself to stay.
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  And yes, you may miss them.
• 23:09
  You may even grieve and wonder what could have happened.
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  But one day, you'll look at the life that became possible because you finally chose yourself, and you will be so grateful that you didn't go back to more of the same.
• 23:29
  Listen, I've walked away from people, places, and things all because I'm different now who I am today is not the same woman who tolerated the excuses and bare minimum.
• 23:43
  Love yourself so fully that you are only a match to all that is in its fullness.
• 23:52
  That's alignment and self-love on display.
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  Your desire to be loved fully is true because it's on your heart and it's your compass drawing you towards wholeness.
• 24:06
  You have come so far to spin the block on what you've already outgrown.
• 24:12
  You are in a new place in your life.
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  Honor it.
• 24:16
  Honor you Ooh, friend, look at you doing your work and everything.
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  Go ahead, tilt that crown, shoulders back, beautiful posture, nice and tall.
• 24:32
  Take a deep breath in and let it out.
• 24:36
  Really go long on that exhale.
• 24:39
  Now take the next step knowing you've got you, and I'll meet you right back here in the next episode.
• 24:46
  Until next time, friend, keep coming back to you