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Facing Feelings, Not Fighting Them · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee Speaking, and this is episode two of the ten-part series, which is entitled Facing Psychological Reality.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: In the first episode, we talked about the mind we live in and what psychological reality is, internal and external reality.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: It occurred to me that this in some ways reflects the difference between objective and subjective truth, or the thought sense and the felt sense.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: So now we move just a step further because once we begin to understand psychological reality, another question arises.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what happens when something feels too painful or too confusing or too overwhelming to face?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer is simple and just human.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: The mind protects itself and it does so through what we call defense.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people will say this person is being defensive almost as an accusation.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well, maybe they are behaving in a way that is defensive because they are protecting themselves from something, even if objectively it's not necessary.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: But the kinds of defenses that I'm talking about are not so much the external manifestations, more like the internal ones.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: So although this notion is that someone who is behaving defensively can sound negative, as if it means avoidance or refusal to face reality, but actually, defense isn't failure, it's a protection.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And from infancy, the human mind has one primary task, and that is to survive emotionally.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: When a baby feels distressed, that cannot yet be understood by the baby.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because it relies on the caregiver to help make sense of that feeling, that experience, to be able to receive the distress, hold it, and return it in a form that the child can bear.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Think, for example, of the crying infant who you hold and soothe.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: In that moment, you are saying, I know, I hear it, I see it, it will be okay.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then listen to the way that crying starts to diminish.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And there'll be some parents listening to this saying, if only that were true all of the time.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, sometimes, sometimes, no, it's not.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: The crying doesn't change, but you're still holding.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, this process helps the child to develop the ability to think about feelings rather than be overwhelmed by them.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And here we're talking about the origins of the process mentalization, but that can come later in terms of more detail.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: But when feelings are too intense or too confusing or too unsupported, the mind needs to protect itself in other ways.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: So it may push feelings out of awareness, divide experiences into all good or all bad, or place unbearable feelings onto others, or just withdraw altogether.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: In a sense, these aren't conscious choices, they are the mind's way of keeping itself safe.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: In children, defenses appear through behavior.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Children are unlikely to say, I am feeling or being or using a defense.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, they are more likely, if a child, for example, feels hurt, to become angry.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: If a child feels anxious, they may become controlling or overtly attached.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: A child who feels ashamed may withdraw, and a child who feels unseen may become disruptive.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: So the behavior is visible, but the feeling underneath is almost always hidden, even from the child themselves.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why behavior is not simply something to correct, it is something to understand, it is something to read and be curious about.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: What does the behavior tell me?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because the behavior is a communication.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Children aren't born with the ability to think about their feelings, they develop this capacity through relationship.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: When a parent recognizes and responds to a child's emotional state, not just the behavior, but including the feelings beneath, the child begins to experience something powerful.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: That is, my feelings can be understood.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, this builds the child's ability to reflect, regulate, and make sense of the internal worlds.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And when this process is repeated, the child gradually moves from being overwhelmed by feeling to being able to recognize and think about feeling.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's a neurological shift as well, because rather than having the reactive experiential part of the brain, known as the limbic system, be what dominates, the prefrontal cortex thinking brain starts to act.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: This then serves to help regulation.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, defenses can become a barrier as well as a protection.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: So if a child repeatedly feels that certain emotions are too much, too unsafe, or too unsupported, they may begin to organize their inner worlds around avoidance.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: They may refuse help, reject closeness, control situations, or appear emotionally shut down.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't stubbornness, it's a protection that has become rigid.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And when defenses become rigid, the child no longer avoids only pain.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: They also avoid connection, understanding, and growth.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, we think about children and defenses, but there's another layer here, and that has to do with the parents' own defenses.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Parents have them as well.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And when a child is distressed, parents may feel helpless, overwhelmed, frightened, or inadequate.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes without realizing it, a parent may defend themselves against these feelings by focusing only on the behavior and trying to stop it.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or minimizing the child's distress or becoming overly controlling or emotionally withdrawing.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't because parents don't care, it is because they care and the feelings that they experience are hard to bear.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: But children are deeply sensitive to emotional presence.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: So if a parent can remain emotionally available even when things are difficult, the child experiences something essential, and that is I am not alone with my feelings.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: The goal isn't about trying to remove defenses because we all need them.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: The goal is to help the child and ourselves gradually move from defending against feeling to understanding and tolerating feelings.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And that requires patience, emotional steadiness, curiosity, and compassion.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And when a feeling can be named, held, and thought about, it no longer needs to be defended against.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes part of the child's emotional world, and the same is true for adults.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Defense is not the army, it's the mind's first attempt to protect itself from what feels unbearable.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: But children do not outgrow defense on their own.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: They grow through relationship, through the steady presence of someone who can help them make sense of their emotional world.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because when feelings can be understood, the need for rigid defense begins to soften.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: And in that in that softening, something important happens because the child becomes able not only to feel, but to think, reflect, and integrate.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where psychological strength quietly forms.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to reintroduce the concept of rupture and repair because in the real world we can't always do that which I'm describing.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Other things interfere, and there are many things that we have to contend with.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: But the capacity to come back to the event is the repair, which is quietly powerful.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: In the next episode, we'll explore how early relationships shape the mind and how attachment influences the way a child comes to experience safety, meaning, and reality.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because long before a child understands the world, they learn whether the world understands them.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.