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Why Saying Yes When Your Body Says No Is Destroying You · Create The Best Me

• 0:00
  Here's a quick check.
• 0:01
  Are your shoulders up to your ears right now?
• 0:06
  Same here.
• 0:07
  By the end of this episode, they'll be lower, and you'll know exactly why they keep creeping up and what to do about it.
• 0:15
  Today we're talking about why you don't need to reinvent yourself with a brand-new life, haircut and zip code.
• 0:22
  You just need to remember who you are.
• 0:25
  My guess is Margarita Kogan, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Honor and Seal.
• 0:33
  She helps strong, capable women who feel stuck on the inside trade exhaustion and people-pleasing for clarity, boundaries, and genuine connection.
• 0:45
  Stick with us, because by the end of this episode, you'll have: a simple 30 second body scan to calm your nervous system.
• 0:54
  Three questions that will point you back to your most authentic self, and a fresh way to answer “yes" is it just menopause, or is it something deeper asking for my attention?
• 1:09
  Alright, shoulders down.
• 1:11
  Let's jump on in.
• 1:15
  Margarita Kogan, welcome to Create The Best Me.
• 1:18
  This is an honor and a privilege to have you on the show.
• 1:21
  Thank you so much for having me.
• 1:23
  I'm so excited to finally connect.
• 1:26
  Yes, Margarita, before we get into today's exciting discussion, could you please tell the listeners and viewers a little bit about who you are and what you do?
• 1:36
  Sure.
• 1:37
  So, I'm Margarita Kogan, I've been a therapist for about 15 years.
• 1:42
  And I've worked with a lot of different individuals.
• 1:45
  Mostly it's been couples and individuals in relationships.
• 1:48
  Whether that be relationships with themselves or relationships with others.
• 1:53
  And I've really, dedicated a lot of time and energy to understanding how that shows up in our world and how it impacts women in particular, and how we show up in our lives.
• 2:06
  And you're in the Colorado area, am I correct?
• 2:09
  I am, yes.
• 2:10
  In down a little bit south of Denver.
• 2:12
  Mm-hmm.
• 2:13
  Great.
• 2:13
  Beautiful place.
• 2:15
  So, Margarita, the reason I invited you onto the show is because I understand that you like helping, or your focus is helping women not reinvent themselves, but find out who they really are.
• 2:30
  Yes, definitely.
• 2:31
  So, as I was doing all of this work with women and couples, etc, what I've started to notice is that women, for so many years, start to lose themselves.
• 2:43
  And then we start chasing this idea of recreation.
• 2:47
  Whether it's we recreate ourselves physically, or what we wear, or things we do.
• 2:52
  And in all of those renditions of ourselves, we still don't get to the part that we're really seeking, which is essentially who we are.
• 3:02
  So, a lot of my work focuses on finding yourself instead of recreating yourself in the view of what other people are looking for.
• 3:12
  And I know I always use that term"reinvent yourself." And when I started researching you and researching what your focus is on.
• 3:22
  I thought, you know what, I can't use that word, reinvent myself, because I don't mean creating yourself into a total different person.
• 3:29
  But more, so discovering who that person we left behind.
• 3:35
  Yes, 100% I, that's a great way of putting it.
• 3:39
  I think for years, women do so many things.
• 3:44
  They take care of everybody.
• 3:45
  They build careers.
• 3:47
  They keep relationships afloat.
• 3:48
  And in all of these different categories, you have to show up as a certain version of yourself that you've either been sold on or you believe that's what people want.
• 4:00
  And if we're always showing up from that perspective, then we don't give
• 4:06
  ourselves enough room to understand: "Why, am I doing this? And who am I behind all of this?" It's just kind of a running rhetoric that we're just following, not even knowing why.
• 4:18
  ourselves enough room to understand: Yeah, it is.
• 4:20
  ourselves enough room to understand: I think that, we forget what our passions were, what our goals were, what our dreams were, what we envisioned we were going to be when we hit certain timelines in our life.
• 4:33
  ourselves enough room to understand: And, we kind of become this mosh pit of who people have, molded us to be sort of.
• 4:40
  ourselves enough room to understand: If that makes sense.
• 4:42
  ourselves enough room to understand: 100% yes.
• 4:43
  ourselves enough room to understand: And women are so conditioned to keep the peace and hold it all together, that we absolutely fall into that mold, because we don't notice how disconnected we actually become from our own needs.
• 4:55
  ourselves enough room to understand: And the magic of the midlife that we're both in, or talking about, is that all of these parts that we've silenced, that we haven't given enough time or energy to; it's the tired one, the resentful one, the creative one of, "Oh no, I don't have to do that project".
• 5:12
  ourselves enough room to understand: Or, uh, you stop painting or you start creating with the beauty that women have been endowed with.
• 5:18
  ourselves enough room to understand: They just show up, and all of a sudden it's, No, this is what you're going to do.
• 5:23
  ourselves enough room to understand: And if you ignore that for a certain amount of time, and continue to ignore it, what ends up happening is people become really emotionally exhausted.
• 5:33
  ourselves enough room to understand: And feel invisible and become a little bit more unhappy with life than they would like to be.
• 5:41
  ourselves enough room to understand: And I think this sort of shifts your personality to where maybe people don't wanna be around you anymore.
• 5:47
  ourselves enough room to understand: Because you know, and I think it's because, you know, you're kind of like lashing out at people.
• 5:53
  ourselves enough room to understand: Because you're not being true to yourself.
• 5:57
  ourselves enough room to understand: Is that right?
• 5:58
  ourselves enough room to understand: 100%. So, when we're not true to ourselves it ends up coming across as resentment.
• 6:05
  ourselves enough room to understand: As the short-tempered person.
• 6:08
  ourselves enough room to understand: As the "angry woman." Because all of a sudden you're just constantly under pressure, to perform and you no longer want to do that.
• 6:18
  ourselves enough room to understand: So when I work with women, we do something called "Parts Work." If it's one-on-one or in group sessions, or I just did a retreat.
• 6:25
  ourselves enough room to understand: And a lot of the work is around "Parts Work." What "Parts Work" really looks at is: what part of you are you functioning from right now?
• 6:33
  ourselves enough room to understand: What part of you is angry or what part of you is upset?
• 6:37
  ourselves enough room to understand: Because it's not who you are in those moments, but it is a protective factor of, "I can't do this anymore," and so I'm going to let everybody know how I'm really feeling inside.
• 6:49
  ourselves enough room to understand: It just doesn't always come across in a positive way.
• 6:52
  ourselves enough room to understand: What are the warning signs of, "You know what, I need to take a step back." I need help because I'm gonna explode.
• 7:00
  ourselves enough room to understand: I'm becoming someone I never thought I was going to be.
• 7:06
  ourselves enough room to understand: That's such a good question.
• 7:07
  ourselves enough room to understand: So warning signs, I think for women, a lot of women have moments of, "Oh man, I just feel so tired." And we are conditioned to, "Too bad.
• 7:19
  ourselves enough room to understand: Get up.
• 7:20
  ourselves enough room to understand: Let's keep pushing through.
• 7:21
  ourselves enough room to understand: You'll rest another time." So one of the biggest warning signs that we can listen to is our nervous system and our body.
• 7:30
  ourselves enough room to understand: Our brain is conditioned to say,"No, keep going. You've gotta get to the next thing. We've got goals." But your body never lies.
• 7:38
  ourselves enough room to understand: And what we've done is we're trying to think our way through healing.
• 7:43
  ourselves enough room to understand: We'll read, journal, do self-improvement, etc.
• 7:47
  ourselves enough room to understand: What we really need to start doing is sitting back and saying,"Okay, what's going on in my body?
• 7:53
  ourselves enough room to understand: Are my shoulders tight?
• 7:55
  ourselves enough room to understand: Is my stomach tight?
• 7:56
  ourselves enough room to understand: Do do I feel something in my chest?
• 7:59
  ourselves enough room to understand: And the goal with that is really to shift back into feeling safe in your body.
• 8:04
  ourselves enough room to understand: 'Cause until that happens, all of the tools you have are not going to be very easily accessible.
• 8:11
  ourselves enough room to understand: But here's my thought.
• 8:12
  ourselves enough room to understand: My thought is thinking, I can't do this alone.
• 8:17
  ourselves enough room to understand: I can't sit back, I can't, you know, pull myself back and find myself.
• 8:24
  ourselves enough room to understand: I need help.
• 8:25
  ourselves enough room to understand: I need somebody to help me.
• 8:27
  ourselves enough room to understand: Is that right?
• 8:28
  ourselves enough room to understand: Well, yeah, it can get very overwhelming.
• 8:30
  ourselves enough room to understand: So, if we've been avoiding all of these feelings for so long and we're kind of just thinking through things and pushing through things and all of a sudden we sit back, that's essentially what happens.
• 8:42
  ourselves enough room to understand: Is we become very overwhelmed and it's like, "Oh, this is scary." This is too much.
• 8:47
  ourselves enough room to understand: Because your body will feel it you'll feel it.
• 8:50
  ourselves enough room to understand: And that's where programs; I have a, a program like Honor and Heal, we really focus on things like that.
• 8:56
  ourselves enough room to understand: Sitting back in community, and sharing our experiences together, and working through that together so that you're not alone.
• 9:04
  ourselves enough room to understand: Obviously, therapy also is a great place to do that, whether it's one-on-one, or maybe even giving yourself some time and going to a retreat.
• 9:12
  ourselves enough room to understand: It's actually a really interesting experience.
• 9:15
  ourselves enough room to understand: I just came back from running a retreat.
• 9:17
  ourselves enough room to understand: And the way women allow themselves to just be without any distractions and the capsule that you create for that healing, the effect is compounded.
• 9:27
  ourselves enough room to understand: And it's a lot quicker than just trying to do it by yourself and being overwhelmed.
• 9:33
  ourselves enough room to understand: Because I think that a lot of times people might say, "Well, you know, she's going through a midlife crisis.
• 9:36
  ourselves enough room to understand: Or she's going through menopause, it's all hormonal.
• 9:39
  ourselves enough room to understand: It'll all go away.
• 9:40
  ourselves enough room to understand: Go to your doctor, they'll give you a pill and it'll all go away.
• 9:44
  ourselves enough room to understand: Magic." I wish, I really wish there was a magic pill.
• 9:47
  ourselves enough room to understand: From what I hear, that's not how it works; it definitely.
• 9:50
  ourselves enough room to understand: And you know what, if somebody wants to tell you that you're being, you know, "the crazy lady who ran away to a retreat," or you're just in perimenopause or menopause; people always have opinions.
• 10:01
  ourselves enough room to understand: And I think that's just the part of being the woman that abandons herself and doesn't pursue what works for her.
• 10:10
  ourselves enough room to understand: Why do we care what other people are telling us, right?
• 10:15
  ourselves enough room to understand: What is that going to do for you?
• 10:16
  ourselves enough room to understand: You're just going to beat yourself up.
• 10:18
  ourselves enough room to understand: You're going to be unhappy with yourself.
• 10:20
  ourselves enough room to understand: You're gonna be confused, and not take the actions that you wanted to take that probably you already knew were the right actions for you.
• 10:28
  ourselves enough room to understand: So, let them talk.
• 10:30
  ourselves enough room to understand: The "let them theory" or whatnot.
• 10:32
  ourselves enough room to understand: And you do you.
• 10:33
  ourselves enough room to understand: If you feel you need to go to a retreat, book that ticket, buy the retreat, go to therapy, find a program but show up for yourself.
• 10:44
  ourselves enough room to understand: It is so important to do for yourself what you would do for your kids, or recommend for a friend.
• 10:52
  ourselves enough room to understand: We just put ourselves in the back burner so often, and we completely lose ourselves.
• 10:57
  ourselves enough room to understand: And that's not really fair, because we're beings who also need love, and care and support.
• 11:03
  ourselves enough room to understand: And thankfully, we have that program where it supports women healing.
• 11:08
  ourselves enough room to understand: We have the resources to find those communities.
• 11:12
  ourselves enough room to understand: So we're really in a good place and time for that right now.
• 11:16
  ourselves enough room to understand: And let's talk about this, because a lot of times people might say, "Well, you know what, I don't wanna go there'cause I don't know anybody." Let's talk about how important community among other people, or other women that are going through the same challenges as you.
• 11:32
  ourselves enough room to understand: How important is that?
• 11:35
  ourselves enough room to understand: Absolutely, I think so.
• 11:38
  ourselves enough room to understand: In day-to-day life, we all wear masks, right?
• 11:42
  ourselves enough room to understand: We keep up the community effect of what our kids need to see.
• 11:48
  ourselves enough room to understand: What our neighbors want to see, etc.
• 11:48
  ourselves enough room to understand: And so we're always putting on a show.
• 11:53
  ourselves enough room to understand: When you build a community seeking like-minded individuals who are looking for growth.
• 11:59
  ourselves enough room to understand: Who know that something is not working and they don't know how to get there, and they're trying to find their way but then they have support in that; together, that community brings you closer.
• 12:10
  ourselves enough room to understand: And you are allowed to be yourself.
• 12:12
  ourselves enough room to understand: You're allowed to share the things that you don't particularly want to share with your neighbors, or maybe with the moms at school, maybe even your partner, because you're not really sure how you feel about certain things.
• 12:23
  ourselves enough room to understand: So, being in a community that doesn't judge you because they're focused on improving themselves and working on their stuff and having somebody leading that, that says, "Hey, here's a reflection for you. Here's what I am seeing," and not necessarily therapy.
• 12:39
  ourselves enough room to understand: But the community does a great job of reflecting to people; "Here's what I'm seeing happen. Here's what other people have gone through. Where are the similarities, and how can we support you in your journey of healing?" It's really incredible what that can do.
• 12:56
  ourselves enough room to understand: And I think another thing is that we all need to understand is that we're all different.
• 12:59
  ourselves enough room to understand: So if I have an older sister, and I have a younger sister, and I'm menopausal, their menopausal; if I talk to either one of the two about something that I am experiencing either emotionally or physically they may have not gone there or it didn't bother them, like it bothers me.
• 13:22
  ourselves enough room to understand: And, I think it would be easier if I went to you, I said, "Hey, Margarita, you know, I'm going through this.
• 13:31
  ourselves enough room to understand: Am I losing my mind?
• 13:32
  ourselves enough room to understand: What's going on?
• 13:32
  ourselves enough room to understand: How do I fix this?
• 13:35
  ourselves enough room to understand: 100%, yeah.
• 13:36
  ourselves enough room to understand: So, finding somebody who actually hears you.
• 13:38
  ourselves enough room to understand: When you go to family or you go to friends, it is not a blank slate.
• 13:44
  ourselves enough room to understand: Let's say, right?
• 13:45
  ourselves enough room to understand: You're going there and they're listening with the ear of, oh, "Well that's not how it went for me. It can't be that bad. I don't understand why this is a big deal." Because they're functioning from their frame of reference.
• 13:57
  ourselves enough room to understand: It's not a big deal for them, so why would it be a big deal for you?
• 14:01
  ourselves enough room to understand: But that doesn't help you.
• 14:03
  ourselves enough room to understand: All that does is offer judgment.
• 14:04
  ourselves enough room to understand: it doesn't get you to where you want to go.
• 14:06
  ourselves enough room to understand: And that's the magic of having a group, or a community such as Honor and Heal, where not only is it me leading it, and my interest is really how do I get you to where you want to be.
• 14:19
  ourselves enough room to understand: If this is something that bothers you, I am going to make sure that I figure out what is the underlying cause.
• 14:26
  ourselves enough room to understand: How can I help you figure the underlying cause?
• 14:29
  ourselves enough room to understand: And how do we help you mitigate it?
• 14:32
  ourselves enough room to understand: But having a group of women, I guarantee you there's gonna be another woman.
• 14:37
  ourselves enough room to understand: There's going to be another person who says, "I know that it might not be the same thing, but you know what, "I went to my doctor, and this is what they told me.
• 14:45
  ourselves enough room to understand: It might not work for you go ask your doctor." And all of a sudden, you have somebody saying, " I'm going to help you.
• 14:52
  ourselves enough room to understand: We'll figure this out.
• 14:53
  ourselves enough room to understand: I'll help you find what's going on internally, whether it's psychosomatic, whether it's past trauma that's not resolved, etc, things we could work with.
• 15:01
  ourselves enough room to understand: Maybe you need some tools.
• 15:02
  ourselves enough room to understand: And then you have people who have actually gone through similar things, maybe not exactly the same, saying, "Absolutely." So you get validated from both ends; of like, yep, let's just get you to where you want to be.
• 15:14
  ourselves enough room to understand: Let's find the resources for you together." And then you're not alone anymore.
• 15:18
  ourselves enough room to understand: It's pretty incredible.
• 15:20
  ourselves enough room to understand: It sounds incredible.
• 15:22
  ourselves enough room to understand: Have you ever had a woman come to you and say, "I feel like my whole life is falling apart.
• 15:29
  ourselves enough room to understand: I'm not connected with my husband.
• 15:31
  ourselves enough room to understand: I feel disconnected from my children.
• 15:33
  ourselves enough room to understand: I feel disconnected from my friends.
• 15:37
  ourselves enough room to understand: I'm just feel totally disconnected like I have woken up to a life that I don't even recognize." That's a beautiful way of saying it, and I know that sounds counterintuitive, but here's the thing: I say healing always starts with those small moments of honesty.
• 16:00
  ourselves enough room to understand: When you start being honest with yourself and you start recognizing those things, it can feel so overwhelming and scary.
• 16:08
  ourselves enough room to understand: But what it really is, is you allowing and listening to yourself saying, "Whoa, something is not, it's not connecting for me." Whether it's the relationships, whether it's with your partner, and it's a blank slate to say, "Okay, here are the categories in my life." It's funny actually this is exactly how I started a journal that's going to be coming out in a little while.
• 16:31
  ourselves enough room to understand: It's a "Back to Self Healing Journal," and essentially, what we do in that journal, is we write down those things of what is not working in my life.
• 16:40
  ourselves enough room to understand: And we are brutally honest.
• 16:43
  ourselves enough room to understand: And then we work backwards to say,"Okay, what are the things I would want?
• 16:47
  ourselves enough room to understand: And then how do I get those things?" So we're not saying, "Scrap your whole life, start over from zero." We are starting to learn: "Okay, well I chose this relationship for X, Y, and Z reason. Now I'm feeling disconnected, I'm not getting these needs met." So, we'll work through what needs are you not getting met?
• 17:08
  ourselves enough room to understand: And essentially, as you go through the journal, as you look out what do you want from your relationships, from your life, etc., you start learning more about yourself.
• 17:17
  ourselves enough room to understand: What you need?
• 17:19
  ourselves enough room to understand: And, how to get there with step-by-step prompts that you can follow without getting overwhelmed.
• 17:27
  ourselves enough room to understand: Yeah.
• 17:28
  ourselves enough room to understand: 'Cause I think that a lot of times when we can, when we start to feel that way and it's scary we might make the wrong decision.
• 17:36
  ourselves enough room to understand: We might just say, "I'm outta here" and throw everything away.
• 17:43
  ourselves enough room to understand: Instead of like you said, your journal that's coming out really shortly; allows you the opportunity to salvage what you have, dig
• 17:52
  through, and analyze: "What is it?" Definitely, yeah.
• 17:59
  through, and analyze: And that's a very common feeling for women.
• 18:01
  through, and analyze: It's actually, believe it or not, that's a trauma response.
• 18:05
  through, and analyze: When people want to just leave their life, or like, "I'm out of this relationship of like 20-some years." Or, " I'm done with this neighborhood." It's actually a trauma response.
• 18:14
  through, and analyze: So what that would tell me is, there's something going on for you internally, that your system just feels like you, you will not survive this.
• 18:22
  through, and analyze: It's not rational, it doesn't make sense.
• 18:24
  through, and analyze: We know we're gonna survive, we've made it this far.
• 18:27
  through, and analyze: But what your body is telling you is," Oh no, no, no, no, no, this is scary.
• 18:30
  through, and analyze: And your brain's job is to say, "Hey, where's the safety?
• 18:35
  through, and analyze: So it'll take you back to, "No, this, is how we behave. This is what we have to do," and it'll put you back in that shell.
• 18:42
  through, and analyze: What we want to do in that moment, say, "Well, okay, we've got it. Where's the resource?" So, find a resource that works for you whether it's a program, whether it's a journal, whether it's a therapist.
• 18:52
  through, and analyze: And have somebody walk that path with you, so that instead of saying,"I'm out," and abandoning everything, or going back to living a life that you're not particularly thrilled with, for the rest of however many years.
• 19:05
  through, and analyze: You get the opportunity to figure out, "Hmm, why am I feeling this way?
• 19:09
  through, and analyze: Like, these are some strong feelings.
• 19:09
  through, and analyze: What about me, don't I know?" And you get to rediscover yourself.
• 19:16
  through, and analyze: And when you take the time to do that, it just opens a whole new world of possibilities that our brains might not be able to see right now because we're coping with stress and life, etc.
• 19:28
  through, and analyze: But if you just give yourself a little bit of time, things shift so quickly when you have that healing container.
• 19:36
  through, and analyze: And I know thats admitting, that I need therapy," that can be seen two ways.
• 19:41
  through, and analyze: That can either be seen, like, I like to look at it as a way of you're strong because, you're identifying that you need help.
• 19:48
  through, and analyze: But some people might look at it that it's a sign of weakness.
• 19:52
  through, and analyze: What are your thoughts?
• 19:53
  through, and analyze: I think it takes a lot of bravery.
• 19:55
  through, and analyze: So, therapy is usually not the problem the problem is, " What will people think of me?
• 20:00
  through, and analyze: It's funny one of the biggest things, and it's so strange, looking in hindsight.
• 20:04
  through, and analyze: But one of the biggest things I looked at when I was choosing an office, when I had in-person clients was where people were walking in and who could possibly see them or not see them.
• 20:16
  through, and analyze: And aside from HIPAA, et cetera, it was always the client's concern of: no, no, no, no, this is too close to work.
• 20:22
  through, and analyze: Or I don't want my church friends to see me going to a therapist outside of church.
• 20:28
  through, and analyze: And again, it's that focus on what will people think of me that really comes up.
• 20:33
  through, and analyze: And the other part that comes up is, what is wrong with me?
• 20:37
  through, and analyze: Why do I have to go to therapy?
• 20:38
  through, and analyze: Not everybody's going to therapy.
• 20:40
  through, and analyze: But nowadays, therapy is one of those tools that really allow you to just be yourself.
• 20:48
  through, and analyze: Kind of unload whatever you're holding onto, and then have a person who's not particularly invested in whatever choices you make, "Say, well, this sounds reasonable and rational, and this is why you're making these decisions. Maybe you could change one or two things and you could make different decisions." And so you were talking about making those bad choices; when we don't address what's going on internally in our body, it will hijack us at the worst possible time.
• 21:19
  through, and analyze: Your body will be like, nope.
• 21:21
  through, and analyze: And your brain is like, oh my gosh, we're in panic.
• 21:23
  through, and analyze: We gotta do something.
• 21:24
  through, and analyze: And then it's just like stage left.
• 21:26
  through, and analyze: And you'll look back maybe a month or two later be like, how did that, how did that happen?
• 21:32
  through, and analyze: Well, what happened is your nervous system was out of whack, you were dysregulated.
• 21:37
  through, and analyze: You didn't have anybody that you could just say, "Hey, take a look at this with me. What's going on?" And then all of a sudden you kind of self imploded.
• 21:46
  through, and analyze: So you brought up nervous system.
• 21:49
  through, and analyze: Yes.
• 21:50
  through, and analyze: How do you regulate your nervous system and heal from trauma?
• 21:55
  through, and analyze: That's a wonderful question.
• 21:58
  through, and analyze: So the biggest thing with trauma with regulating your nervous system is tuning into yourself.
• 22:05
  through, and analyze: I know meditation is the huge buzzword, et cetera.
• 22:08
  through, and analyze: I'm not a fan of just sit there and meditate.
• 22:11
  through, and analyze: Because 100%, if somebody has trauma or any type of complex trauma, sitting still is really, really hard.
• 22:20
  through, and analyze: But starting with as you're brushing your teeth or maybe getting your cup of coffee in the morning, in the kitchen.
• 22:27
  through, and analyze: Let's start with a body scan.
• 22:28
  through, and analyze: How does my body feel?
• 22:30
  through, and analyze: And what you do with that is you start at the crown of your head, and you focus your energy, your attention there, and you go down to your jaw.
• 22:39
  through, and analyze: We all hold a lot of tension in our jaws.
• 22:41
  through, and analyze: That's why everyone around the age of like 32, 35, 40 gets those little retainers to sleep in almost.
• 22:49
  through, and analyze: That's right, almost everybody.
• 22:51
  through, and analyze: I unfortunately always forget to put mine on.
• 22:53
  through, and analyze: But because we all clench our jaw or we grind our teeth, all these little things.
• 22:58
  through, and analyze: Then we'll go down to our shoulders and notice are your shoulders up here?
• 23:02
  through, and analyze: Or do they drop?
• 23:03
  through, and analyze: And it's funny how many of us, including myself throughout the day, I'll be like, why am I sitting like this?
• 23:09
  through, and analyze: And that's your body saying, I'm ready for a fight.
• 23:12
  through, and analyze: I'm ready for something.
• 23:14
  through, and analyze: But we're not aware of this.
• 23:15
  through, and analyze: It's all subconscious.
• 23:17
  through, and analyze: So as you're going down your body from your shoulders, then you know your stomach and your hips.
• 23:22
  through, and analyze: Women hold a lot in their hips and down your legs to your calves.
• 23:25
  through, and analyze: That's also a big place.
• 23:27
  through, and analyze: Start noticing, is it just relaxed or do you feel tension?
• 23:31
  through, and analyze: Is there constant tension?
• 23:33
  through, and analyze: If you do this on a daily basis, this passive little exercise of, Hmm, what's going in in my body?
• 23:40
  through, and analyze: That's a perfect starting point to bring awareness to; okay, so I'm constantly tense and I don't even know why.
• 23:48
  through, and analyze: Well, then the next step is let's figure out why.
• 23:53
  through, and analyze: Sound like you were talking about me.
• 23:55
  through, and analyze: I'm like, oh my goodness is she describing me.
• 23:57
  through, and analyze: ' Cause I wake up every morning and my jaw hurts.
• 23:59
  through, and analyze: I do wear a night guard and I wear a retainer.
• 24:01
  through, and analyze: I have two in my mouth, one on the top, one on the bottom.
• 24:04
  through, and analyze: And then I was telling my massage therapist yesterday, I always feel like my shoulders are up here.
• 24:09
  through, and analyze: How do I train them to stay where they're supposed to be down here?
• 24:13
  through, and analyze: Did they have any advice?
• 24:14
  through, and analyze: My guy said, he's like, just carry two jugs around of water or milk.
• 24:17
  through, and analyze: And I'm just like, okay, just gonna around.
• 24:21
  through, and analyze: He says, I don't know why you do that.
• 24:23
  through, and analyze: And I said, you know what I like to do when it really, really hurts?
• 24:26
  through, and analyze: I hold a case of water.
• 24:27
  through, and analyze: And I just like hold it there just to like have that energy like pulling down.
• 24:33
  through, and analyze: Yeah, isn't that interesting how your body just reacts?
• 24:37
  through, and analyze: Yeah, no.
• 24:37
  through, and analyze: But do you find that maybe women in perimenopause or menopause; that's like the early sign, that's where we hold a lot of our tension?
• 24:46
  through, and analyze: Definitely, definitely.
• 24:47
  through, and analyze: So for women, that is where we hold our tension.
• 24:50
  through, and analyze: We hold the tension right here in our neck.
• 24:53
  through, and analyze: Our hips are emotions.
• 24:55
  through, and analyze: So if you have a lot of emotions that you're storing away, if you have a lot of emotions you're trying to hold onto, or not show.
• 25:04
  through, and analyze: Your hips will be very, very tight and they might hurt, et cetera.
• 25:08
  through, and analyze: But if you do something like pigeons, pose, or any yoga, sometimes people start tearing up and they're like, oh my goodness, that's so weird.
• 25:15
  through, and analyze: It's your body is intricately connected to what is going on for you, and that's why the key; in my program, we start with the body.
• 25:25
  through, and analyze: It is absolutely the key to healing anything.
• 25:28
  through, and analyze: I feel like so many people go to therapy for years and years and years, and I'll have individuals come in, they're like, here are my diagnoses.
• 25:37
  through, and analyze: Here are the tools.
• 25:38
  through, and analyze: Here's everything I'm doing and I'm still so sad and everything hurts and I can't.
• 25:43
  through, and analyze: And that's where we start is, with your body because it is literally the map to your world.
• 25:49
  through, and analyze: How do you react to people?
• 25:51
  through, and analyze: How do you react to your world?
• 25:52
  through, and analyze: How do you feel about certain things?
• 25:54
  through, and analyze: If you don't know in your head how you feel about a certain thing, check on your body because it will tell you 100% of the time.
• 26:02
  through, and analyze: That's true.
• 26:03
  through, and analyze: If you give somebody information that they don't wanna hear.
• 26:07
  through, and analyze: The first thing you do is, if you're an observer let's say you see a doctor talking to a patient and you're like sitting away over there in the waiting room, you can tell whether that was good news or bad news.
• 26:17
  through, and analyze: Because the person who's receiving the information, their body automatically tells the people around that it was bad information.
• 26:26
  through, and analyze: Yeah, yeah.
• 26:28
  through, and analyze: It's like the magic key that we keep ignoring.
• 26:31
  through, and analyze: And that's, that's actually one of the reasons I started creating programs in particular The Honor and Heal program.
• 26:38
  through, and analyze: Because so many women in particular that were going, whether it's trauma or just life transitions or stress, they haven't dealt with.
• 26:46
  through, and analyze: They have all of these tools, but they can't do anything with them.
• 26:51
  through, and analyze: And so, making a space where you are intricately aware of what's going on for you.
• 26:58
  through, and analyze: You have meditations, you have guidance of, okay, this isn't working.
• 27:03
  through, and analyze: Let's try something else and you don't have to wait.
• 27:06
  through, and analyze: Oh, my therapist, is booked out for four weeks.
• 27:09
  through, and analyze: Or, insurance won't cover it or something else.
• 27:11
  through, and analyze: You have so many resources in that container that, okay, if this doesn't work, let's try this.
• 27:18
  through, and analyze: And we bring everything together from journaling to all of the tools, to that awareness and the reflection of what's going on in your world together to make it such an easy process to really go through and heal through whatever is happening in your life.
• 27:36
  through, and analyze: And so is your program self-paced or is it community-based?
• 27:41
  through, and analyze: How does it work?
• 27:43
  through, and analyze: So there are a couple of different aspects.
• 27:45
  through, and analyze: There is a self-paced, portion of it.
• 27:48
  through, and analyze: Which a lot of people love because you don't have to hop into the community, et cetera.
• 27:52
  through, and analyze: You don't have to wait for any things to be released.
• 27:54
  through, and analyze: And then there's a telegram community that we have that gets launched intermittently.
• 28:00
  through, and analyze: And so a group of women will join on there, and we have conversations of, Hey, what's coming up?
• 28:05
  through, and analyze: Everything is organized and we are focusing on this right now on healing this.
• 28:10
  through, and analyze: But you always have access to me, to say, you know what, this is not working for me, or this is not resonating for me.
• 28:16
  through, and analyze: This is what I'm dealing with.
• 28:18
  through, and analyze: So you have that guidance of this is how it applies.
• 28:21
  through, and analyze: Women have so many options both doing it themselves or joining the community, or you could kind of bring it together and that's also an option.
• 28:30
  through, and analyze: Okay.
• 28:30
  through, and analyze: And do you find that the women that join your community or take your course are women in midlife that have kind of said, oh, I need to reinvent myself.
• 28:42
  through, and analyze: You know, I need to find a skill and, find a handsome husband, new husband, new life, and, and run away?
• 28:48
  through, and analyze: Or, or do you find that they're just women that say you know what, my life is disconnected and I wanna get reconnected.
• 28:55
  through, and analyze: And they're in that midlife stage.
• 28:58
  through, and analyze: I think that midlife stage definitely hits the nail on the head.
• 29:01
  through, and analyze: A lot of women that have gone through my program are there.
• 29:04
  through, and analyze: And it's kind of a combination of reconnecting with yourself and I wanna find somebody.
• 29:10
  through, and analyze: You can't find somebody necessarily, if you're stuck in the, I don't know who I am.
• 29:16
  through, and analyze: You'll find somebody, but you're gonna wanna get rid of them in maybe a month or so.
• 29:20
  through, and analyze: So a good place to start would be learn who you are first.
• 29:23
  through, and analyze: And it's that midlife age is so perfect because this is the opportunity.
• 29:28
  through, and analyze: We've done everything for everybody.
• 29:30
  through, and analyze: We've been the mom, the daughter, maybe granddaughter at work we've done our stuff.
• 29:35
  through, and analyze: Now is the magical time where all of a sudden I don't really care what people think about me.
• 29:41
  through, and analyze: I know how many years I have more or less, and I'm gonna claim them as mine.
• 29:46
  through, and analyze: And I can just be myself.
• 29:49
  through, and analyze: The only caveat to that is, well, who am I?
• 29:51
  through, and analyze: Who am I?
• 29:52
  through, and analyze: Myself is right.
• 29:53
  through, and analyze: We don't know.
• 29:54
  through, and analyze: And that's what we really focus on, is bringing it back to who am I at the core?
• 30:00
  through, and analyze: What do I want from this life?
• 30:02
  through, and analyze: And we're not saying abandon all your responsibilities.
• 30:05
  through, and analyze: Absolutely not there, there, it's a gift.
• 30:07
  through, and analyze: You were given this life, so please live it, engage with it, et cetera.
• 30:11
  through, and analyze: But how you start showing up when you show up for yourself, completely changes everything.
• 30:18
  through, and analyze: It changes the script 100%.
• 30:20
  through, and analyze: You know, Margarita, you hit something right on the head that I just love.
• 30:25
  through, and analyze: You cannot find yourself.
• 30:29
  through, and analyze: I mean you cannot bring somebody into your life if you don't know who you are.
• 30:34
  through, and analyze: Because you're going to end up leaving that person within, the relationship's not gonna last long.
• 30:42
  through, and analyze: Or if it does, you'll just abandon yourself, right?
• 30:44
  through, and analyze: Uh, it's either or.
• 30:46
  through, and analyze: And I think that's very important because sometimes you'll see that people try to find themselves within other people.
• 30:52
  through, and analyze: Whether it's a, a girlfriend, you know, you're hanging out with these ladies.
• 30:56
  through, and analyze: Or exchanging partners because this partner jives better with me.
• 31:02
  through, and analyze: But if you don't know who you are, you don't know who you like.
• 31:06
  through, and analyze: You don't know what gives you joy.
• 31:09
  through, and analyze: Yeah, so I think the most freeing truth is that we're not, we were never broken.
• 31:15
  through, and analyze: So when you are saying, oh, this partner's going to give me this, that is only one part of you.
• 31:21
  through, and analyze: We are all beings with multiple parts.
• 31:24
  through, and analyze: And not to make this sound out of the box, but the person you are at work is not the person you are with your children is not the person you are in the bedroom.
• 31:34
  through, and analyze: You are all different versions of that person.
• 31:37
  through, and analyze: And so you were never broken or fragmented per se.
• 31:42
  through, and analyze: You were just conditioned to abandon yourself.
• 31:44
  through, and analyze: I'm speaking like specifically for women midlife; up until now, we have been conditioned to abandon yourself.
• 31:52
  through, and analyze: You abandon yourself for your partner; you know, my partner needs X, Y, and Z so I'm going to do this.
• 31:58
  through, and analyze: You abandon yourself for your children of they need a project or a costume, so I'm going to stay up extra late.
• 32:05
  through, and analyze: You repeatedly, not you, or like women repeatedly abandon what they need, whether it's rest, whether it's a different diet, whether it's just a vacation.
• 32:16
  through, and analyze: They completely abandoned that part of what they need to help other people get ahead.
• 32:22
  through, and analyze: So, now you are in this midlife, beautiful era, and it's not, this is not the end.
• 32:29
  through, and analyze: So that kind of breaks my heart is women get to this age, forties and up; they're like, oh crap, man my whole life is gone.
• 32:34
  through, and analyze: I missed it.
• 32:34
  through, and analyze: I missed the boat.
• 32:36
  through, and analyze: It's not that.
• 32:38
  through, and analyze: It's this is your moment.
• 32:40
  through, and analyze: Your responsibility now is to say, this is my moment and I'm going to take it.
• 32:44
  through, and analyze: So you finally have the wisdom and you finally have the courage, and you have all of the life experience that you don't want to repeat.
• 32:54
  through, and analyze: And now you need to, you get to live life as your whole self.
• 32:59
  through, and analyze: I think if we take the pressure off to reinvent ourselves or find somebody to maybe fill a gap and we learn how to fill those gaps for ourselves, we just start remembering who we are and then things make a little bit more sense.
• 33:13
  through, and analyze: Things go easier in our life.
• 33:16
  through, and analyze: Everything I teach really comes back to that learning to live from your truth instead of what you've been conditioned to do.
• 33:23
  through, and analyze: Margarita, based on the conversation that we have had here today, what are three pieces of advice that you would give that listener or viewer, who says, I thought I needed to reinvent myself, but I need to rediscover myself.
• 33:38
  through, and analyze: How do I do that?
• 33:40
  through, and analyze: So I think there are three questions that I would encourage every woman to ask themselves.
• 33:47
  So those could be the three steps: where in my life am I saying yes when my body is saying no?
• 33:54
  So those could be the three steps: So that would be number one.
• 33:56
  Two is: What emotions do I often silence to keep the peace?
• 34:02
  Two is: And three is what would it look like to give myself permission to take up space again?
• 34:10
  Two is: So if you start with those three questions, I think it'll give you great insight into what's going on in your world and how you can move the needle towards a direction where you really want to be.
• 34:24
  Two is: I love it.
• 34:24
  Two is: I love it.
• 34:25
  Two is: And when is your next retreat?
• 34:27
  Two is: Do you have one calendared in?
• 34:30
  Two is: So we are looking at a retreat in Colorado in April.
• 34:35
  Two is: It's still in the works, but if it comes up, it will be on my site.
• 34:39
  Two is: So you can always check it out there.
• 34:41
  Two is: I do have for all the women listening a free Boundary Script, that I think is a very valuable tool because boundaries is where we need to start with everything.
• 34:53
  Two is: It's our body and our boundaries.
• 34:55
  Two is: So I'd love if they would claim that gift.
• 34:57
  Two is: I will give you the link for that.
• 35:00
  Two is: It's free.
• 35:00
  Two is: It helps you begin setting boundaries.
• 35:03
  Two is: One of the things that really get broken when we start self-abandoning, without having any guilt and reclaiming your voice.
• 35:10
  Two is: So if you do find that on site, it will automatically add you to the list for that upcoming "Back To Self-Healing Journal." So you'll get a notification when that does come out as well.
• 35:23
  Two is: Great.
• 35:24
  Two is: Beautiful.
• 35:25
  Two is: And what is the one piece of advice that you would want that woman who's listening or watching right now to hold close in her heart right now to know that there's hope?
• 35:37
  Two is: Yeah, I think if you are ready to start the process of healing, take the chance on yourself.
• 35:45
  Two is: Because it's so easy to say, you know what, it's not that important, et cetera.
• 35:50
  Two is: But you are in this magical place in your life where you have that opportunity.
• 35:54
  Two is: So dive in.
• 35:55
  Two is: Take what works for you, what resonates for you, whether it's my program or the journal or something else.
• 36:02
  Two is: But really invest in yourself and give yourself the space to be who you truly are.
• 36:10
  Two is: Love it.
• 36:11
  Two is: And a quick question, if people wanted to join your community, is that just kind of like you just jump in?
• 36:17
  Two is: Or is there like seasons when that community opens up for fresh new people?
• 36:23
  Two is: It is seasonal.
• 36:24
  Two is: The next one will be opening up in probably in January, as we're wrapping the other one up, right now.
• 36:30
  Two is: Aside from the self-paced courses that I do have that teach a lot of that regulation and checking in with yourself, the ongoing community starts seasonally and it's usually kind of once every quarter.
• 36:42
  Two is: Okay, alright.
• 36:43
  Two is: And we'll include all that information so that people can get on if they're ready to start healing.
• 36:50
  Two is: Absolutely.
• 36:52
  Two is: Yeah.
• 36:52
  Two is: Margarita, thank you so much for coming on the show.
• 36:56
  Two is: I appreciate your time, your knowledge.
• 36:59
  Two is: And your explanation to, it's not about reinventing yourself, it's about rediscovering who you truly are.
• 37:09
  Two is: Thank you, Carmen, for having me.
• 37:11
  Two is: It was a great, great conversation.
• 37:13
  Two is: Alright, thank you very much.
• 37:15
  Two is: I'll include all of your information in the show notes so that people won't lose your connection.
• 37:20
  Two is: Perfect.
• 37:21
  Two is: Sounds Alright.
• 37:22
  Two is: If your shoulders are sitting a little lower right now, you felt what Margarita was talking about.
• 37:29
  Two is: Your body never lies.
• 37:31
  Two is: We covered how to regulate your nervous system with that quick body scan.
• 37:36
  Two is: Why midlife isn't about reinvention, but rediscovery and the three questions to keep on your mirror.
• 37:44
  Two is: Here's what I'm saying yes to, when my body says no.
• 37:50
  Two is: Which emotions am I silencing to keep the peace?
• 37:54
  Two is: What would it look like to give myself permission to take space again?
• 38:01
  Two is: If you want to learn more about Margarita or connect with her, head on over to createthebestme.com/ep152.
• 38:11
  Two is: You'll find her Honor And Heal Program, community details and her Free Boundary Script there.
• 38:19
  Two is: Come back next week for another amazing episode, created just for you.
• 38:24
  Two is: Until then, keep dreaming big.
• 38:26
  Two is: Take care of yourself.
• 38:28
  Two is: And remember, you are beautiful, strong, and capable of creating the best version of yourself by getting reacquainted with who you truly are.
• 38:40
  Two is: Thank you for watching.
• 38:41
  Two is: Catch you next week.
• 38:43
  Two is: Bye for now.