Latest / No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women / Breaking the Negative Thought Loop: Find The Exception

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Breaking the Negative Thought Loop: Find The Exception · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:00
  Mary: Hi, and welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets.
• 0:04
  Mary: So, first, I want to tell you about something real quick.
• 0:07
  Mary: I'm doing a special on my website.
• 0:10
  Mary: If you want to buy my book or several books as gifts, if you do this before the end of August, you get a free t-shirt from this podcast.
• 0:21
  Mary: So this is National Wellness Month.
• 0:24
  Mary: And I wanted to do something to celebrate that because I think that Nature Knows, my book, is a great way to not only start to think about nature as our ally, but to build in wellness in a way that's kind of fun and accessible.
• 0:39
  Mary: So I decided that through my website, if you buy my book and you will pay shipping on the book, um, you will get to pick a free t-shirt from my podcast.
• 0:50
  Mary: And you put you'll pay shipping on that, but I'll combine the two so it's not too, too bad.
• 0:56
  Mary: But all you need to do is put the book into your cart, book or books into your cart, and it will prompt you to choose your free t-shirt.
• 1:04
  Mary: And I think they're pretty cool.
• 1:06
  Mary: I actually wear one of my shirts probably a couple times a week.
• 1:09
  Mary: I'm I'm actually a t-shirt girl, but I have two different designs and I have three colors.
• 1:14
  Mary: Uh, so anyway, something fun to do to celebrate wellness month.
• 1:20
  Mary: So you go to maryrothwell.net forward slash shop, and you will see the book there to buy, and you can buy paperback or hardback.
• 1:29
  Mary: That's up to you.
• 1:30
  Mary: You will still get the free shirt.
• 1:32
  Mary: Okay, so one other quick note that I need your help with.
• 1:35
  Mary: So I am in sort of one of those liminal spaces.
• 1:39
  Mary: Like I'm not sure what's coming, but I feel like a change needs to be made because I'm starting to take on more adventures professionally that I think are gonna have a more immediate and visual impact.
• 1:55
  Mary: So I'm doing more keynote speaking and training in higher education and nonprofit.
• 2:00
  Mary: I love, love higher education.
• 2:02
  Mary: It's been, it's really where my heart is.
• 2:05
  Mary: And I'm also doing more writing, working on another book.
• 2:09
  Mary: And this podcast is probably the thing right now that takes the most financial and time input.
• 2:17
  Mary: And so while I feel that it is impactful, I'm not always sure it's landing with people.
• 2:25
  Mary: And so it would be helpful for me, if you find value from this, to let me know because I do two episodes a week.
• 2:34
  Mary: And you know, the plate, I think sometimes we decide we're gonna make the plate bigger instead of taking some things off the plate.
• 2:42
  Mary: And I'm taking some things off the plate because I really want to also maximize the time that I have for other things in life because I am not getting any younger.
• 2:56
  Mary: So anyway, just would love to hear if you have any thoughts on the podcast as I figure out where I'm going to prioritize time in the next year.
• 3:05
  Mary: Okay, so what's on my mind today?
• 3:08
  Mary: What's on my mind today is the idea of exceptions.
• 3:12
  Mary: And what I mean by that is when we get into a negative thought loop, and I'm not gonna lie, I've been in a little bit of a negative thought loop recently, we tend to really focus on all the things that aren't going well.
• 3:28
  Mary: It's the same as if we have one person say something negative, we tend to focus on that instead of all the positive things that people tell us about ourselves.
• 3:39
  Mary: I think it's just human nature.
• 3:42
  Mary: So when we feel like we are stuck, we're stuck in negative thinking, we're feeling depression or anxiety, a lot of times those come from what we're telling ourselves about the situation.
• 3:56
  Mary: And they usually involve the words always and never, which is not true.
• 4:00
  Mary: There's nothing that's true 100% of the time, at least that I can think of.
• 4:05
  Mary: Let me know if you can think of an exception.
• 4:08
  Mary: But when we focus on exceptions, what we're doing is telling ourselves that we're going to create a different narrative.
• 4:16
  Mary: So I'm gonna give you an example from the city.
• 4:20
  Mary: We moved here because we wanted more diversity, we wanted a community, we wanted to build walking into our lives instead of putting ourselves on a treadmill.
• 4:30
  Mary: We love the restaurants and the coffee shops and the opportunities and the celebrations.
• 4:36
  Mary: What we don't love is that, well, I'll speak for myself.
• 4:40
  Mary: We've traded one kind of disrespect in the community we lived in for simply a different kind of disrespect.
• 4:49
  Mary: The disrespect shown by drivers in this city by creating intentional loud engine sounds, by playing music they think the entire world wants to hear, that we can hear inside our home with our windows closed.
• 5:06
  Mary: Uh, the rule in the city is running red lights.
• 5:09
  Mary: And I am not exaggerating when I say every single time I walk, which is almost every day, someone runs a red light.
• 5:16
  Mary: So these are things I didn't anticipate, and I think they feel really disrespectful.
• 5:21
  Mary: And I think it's cheap, it cheapens the city, but there isn't anything done to address it.
• 5:27
  Mary: So that's been a surprise to me.
• 5:29
  Mary: And I've and I think sometimes when we have an expectation and it doesn't live up to what we imagined it would be, then we can get caught in that.
• 5:39
  Mary: And I will take ownership.
• 5:41
  Mary: That happens to me, and it's happening to me right now because I feel at loose ends a lot.
• 5:47
  Mary: I feel disappointed, I feel like I don't know, like that level of contempt to intentionally create a situation that makes life worse for somebody else by your actions.
• 6:01
  Mary: I can't understand that, but there's nothing done to address it.
• 6:07
  Mary: So that's been on my mind lately, but I don't want that to rule my thinking.
• 6:12
  Mary: So I have to remember that the reasons that we chose this are still there.
• 6:18
  Mary: And they're there in many, many ways.
• 6:21
  Mary: And so this morning, Alfie and I took a walk to a cafe that we typically go to on Sundays.
• 6:28
  Mary: My husband is actually out of town.
• 6:31
  Mary: So it made it a little more difficult because I couldn't go inside to get my food.
• 6:35
  Mary: They had to sort of do a favor for me in letting me pay for it at the window, which they didn't love, but it was really kind of them to do that.
• 6:43
  Mary: So we did get to have our experience, and probably eight people stopped to talk to Alfie to talk to me.
• 6:49
  Mary: He's a people dog, so he got a lot of love, which helps him adjust because that's I think another part of the noise is very hard for him.
• 7:00
  Mary: Those engine sounds, I think they really hurt his ears, and I know they scare him.
• 7:05
  Mary: So it's been hard for us to go on walks with him because he's often scared.
• 7:11
  Mary: And so when we have an experience that's positive like that, that's one of the reasons that we chose to live here.
• 7:18
  Mary: And so that's finding the exception.
• 7:21
  Mary: What is the exception?
• 7:24
  Mary: Well, there's the exception of people waiting to allow you to cross at a crosswalk, even though that's the law.
• 7:31
  Mary: We can choose to focus on that.
• 7:33
  Mary: So that's the first thing is to find the times when those negative thoughts aren't true.
• 7:41
  Mary: And so let me go to something like anxiety and depression, because I think that's when we can get really mired in this.
• 7:48
  Mary: So there's really, we don't feel anxiety 100% of the time.
• 7:53
  Mary: It can feel like we do sometimes, but again, where are you putting your focus?
• 7:58
  Mary: So you want to find the times when you don't feel it.
• 8:02
  Mary: When are the times you feel calmer, you feel grounded, you feel safe, or you don't, you simply don't feel things are as bad.
• 8:11
  Mary: And then the second part of this is to build in more of those things.
• 8:16
  Mary: And it could be a nanosecond.
• 8:19
  Mary: It could be when you take that first sip of coffee that seems so small, but isn't life made up of those little moments?
• 8:27
  Mary: And when I get something that to me is just the best, you know.
• 8:33
  Mary: So I I now have found a place in my town, in my city, that I think is my favorite.
• 8:39
  Mary: I think they have the best dirty chai.
• 8:41
  Mary: I love an iced dirty chai, and I think they have the best lavender matcha.
• 8:46
  Mary: So those are that's joy to me.
• 8:50
  Mary: And so when we have feelings of depression or anxiety, when does that ease a little bit?
• 8:55
  Mary: It could be when you watch a certain show.
• 8:58
  Mary: It could be when you watch cat videos online.
• 9:02
  Mary: But again, you don't want to get sucked into 17,000 cat videos.
• 9:06
  Mary: But building in a little bit of what lifts your mood, it might be sunshine, it might be that you go to the gym, that you don't really want to go to the gym, but if you can get yourself there, that endorphin charge afterwards and that, you know, sort of feeling good about yourself.
• 9:22
  Mary: Hey, I did this, that's part of what you want to build more in.
• 9:26
  Mary: So you want to look for the exceptions, and then you want to do more of that because it's going to inch you a little bit closer to feeling the way you want to feel.
• 9:36
  Mary: So that is my thought for this episode.
• 9:41
  Mary: And again, just to remind you, go on my website, buy a book, buy a couple books.
• 9:47
  Mary: Holiday season is not that far away, buy some for friends that you feel would appreciate it.
• 9:52
  Mary: Once you put the book or books in your cart, you will be prompted to choose your free gift.
• 9:56
  Mary: And you can choose from three different t shirt colors, and then I will personally mail those to you.
• 10:03
  Mary: So thank you for listening.
• 10:05
  Mary: And until next time, stop shrinking and start thriving.