Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Are You Ruining All The Nice Things You Do For Your Wife By Being A Dick About Them?

Transcript

Are You Ruining All The Nice Things You Do For Your Wife By Being A Dick About Them? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to this episode of the doctor.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about how you may
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  unintentionally be ruining all of the wonderful things you do
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  as a husband by simultaneously being an asshole about them.
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  So we will get to what that looks like after I tell you to
• 0:24
  subscribe, my most recent subscriber episode is was just
• 0:29
  recorded and was about how over responding when your wife
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  touches. You You can actually have the
• 0:36
  unintended consequence of making her never touch you, and you'll
• 0:40
  get to hear about this with plenty of empathy for your plate
• 0:43
  as an untouched person, and many many, many more subscriber
• 0:48
  episodes. If you just subscribe and
• 0:50
  separately from that separate amount of money for 99, which is
• 0:54
  one dollar less than the 599 for the podcast, 4499, you should
• 0:59
  join my Facebook group. If you like the topics, I talked
• 1:02
  about, you'd probably like all the discussions in there.
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  There are a lot of fun. All right, so a lot of guys that
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  I work with in couples counseling, they are living
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  really a nightmare where they have to do a bunch of shit work,
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  but their wife also isn't happy. My God why?
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  Well, I'll tell you why, not? Because their wives are horrible
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  people, you know? I mean, I don't like that
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  victim, perpetrator type of shit and I try to, you know, help you
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  guys to see that black and white in interpretations, such as the
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  man is good though. The woman is bad or you know,
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  that shit doesn't ever but that's never right.
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  So that's never the whole story. So what's usually going on here?
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  What's usually go - he's doing a bunch of shit work with a bad
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  attitude IV, like right. I mean, let's be real.
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  That's how your kids do it too. So I mean it's like and and it's
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  the same sort of thing for your kids and it's a really good
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  lesson to teach them. So like if your kid cleaned up
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  his room but he was like a total jackass about it was throwing
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  stuff around and You had a nasty expression, you know, it don't
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  even really count that he cleaned up his damn room because
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  he made everybody in the house. So miserable in the process.
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  So it completely detract from the end product just the same.
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  As if you made a wonderful presentation at work or at
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  school and you just gave it with, like she said, nasty
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  attitude, that everybody like hated you while you were
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  presenting. The wouldn't really matter if
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  you did a good piece of work. Now, men that are less.
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  Emotionally aware and emotionally Adept.
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  Sometimes do have a lot of trouble with this.
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  They think. Listen, my wife told me to paint
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  the basement, I painted the fucking basement.
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  So why is she saying that she doesn't feel close to me?
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  I literally did what she wanted me to do, and then it turns out.
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  And she says, I say, how did he paint the basement?
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  Did he do a good job? Oh yeah, it looks good.
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  Well, why aren't you happy? Well, the entire time there was
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  lots of comments about how this is a what he would want to be
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  doing on his day off about how I always want him to be, you know,
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  busting his ass on the house. We ought to sell the fucking
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  house and he hates the house. And we should be doing something
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  else instead. And, you know, maybe we ought to
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  be doing something together. Wink, wink.
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  And why is he always painting the house and doing stupid shit
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  like that? Well, I mean, you know, I mean
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  like, why why would she be happy?
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  I mean if she had wanted just a basement painted then she could
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  have hired somebody to paint the basement.
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  What? What she wanted was for you guys
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  to do like this activity, like we're all working on the house.
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  I talked about this in my home renovations podcast that you
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  should listen to. So it's just like, you know, a
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  man who's struggling with, you know, that his wife won't touch.
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  You could say, well why don't you just pay for a massage, you
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  don't want to pay for a massage, just like, she's want to pay you
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  to get the house paid. I mean, some women pay to get
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  the basement, they did find. So then it'll be something else
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  be doing the laundry or it'll be packing the kids launcher.
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  It'll be whatever it is. Shit work to do, it doesn't
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  matter how wealthy you are, you still have some level of shit
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  work to do in the house, you know?
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  Just kind of menial labor, and if she feels that everything
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  that you do, you have like a nasty attitude about it.
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  Then you are literally putting yourself in the world's worst
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  situation. She likes you.
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  Even the probably the same amount of she would, if you
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  didn't do the damn stuff just because you are being such a
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  dick about it. So if you're being a dick about
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  it, there's usually a couple reasons why the first one is
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  you're unhappy. Happily married.
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  So you overall feel very upset about everything at all times
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  because you feel that you are suffering and that she is not
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  doing whatever it is that you want her to do.
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  Most likely sex, right? The other one because you knew
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  that one already knew I was going to say that.
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  So that's some of it but he larger and deeper issue is that
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  you saw a very negative parent that was always just, you know,
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  bitching about everything and acting put upon an acting
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  burdened and act like everything sucked and that could have been
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  won. Are it or if you are were really
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  lucky and you hit the double parent, Bingo, then it was both
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  parents. And so if you grow up in this
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  kind of a negative environment, then you just do that, you know,
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  later on you just as an adult that your template of being an
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  adult and there may be other ways that you repudiated your
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  upbringing, many most people try and strive to be better parents
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  than their parents were. But, you know, there are some
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  old habits die hard and particularly, when you're
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  stressed and you feel, you know, that You Are burdened by
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  something, you don't want to do this, feeling of stress and
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  burden. When you grow up in a very
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  negative home, this is a very constant feeling, you know.
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  So you probably saw your father act that way about fixing the
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  car, or mowing the lawn or like whatever you know.
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  And so basically you learn that there's like one way to be like
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  a guy doing shit work and that is to be miserable.
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  And you may even think that that's kind of an unspoken like
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  rule is that almost like you complain about shit like as you
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  do. Otherwise, you know, you're some
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  kind of idiot, you know, that thinks that that it could be fun
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  because when you grow up in a very negative house, the idea of
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  like being stupid or being like a patsy in some way that's
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  always like a really, a really big idea.
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  Really central idea is to not be a sucker, right?
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  So, so when somebody is very - they'll be like, well, I may be
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  doing this stupid thing, but at least I'm not stupid enough to
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  think that it's not a bad thing. Thing to be doing.
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  I mean, so, like positive thinking is like, actively look
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  down on by people who are very negative and paranoid and
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  depressed. So, it seems stupid, it seems
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  like pollyannish or or really just naive and and really just
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  stupid you know to think or to try to make something that is so
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  obviously bad into something that is good but there is
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  nothing as so obviously bad. You know.
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  I mean that that's the thing that painting the basement could
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  have been like Kind of a fun thing.
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  You and your wife could have turned on music, you could be
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  like, knocking it out. You could even have asked her to
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  help which you probably wouldn't do if you're used to this idea
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  that you're suffering and that you're the perennial victim.
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  So that's really what the woman is picking up on and I'm sure
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  she's not perfect either, right? But for a second you know you
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  tell yourself constantly all the shit that she's you know doing
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  wrong and what's wrong with her and whatever whatever.
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  So for a second step back and look at it from a different
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  perspective but probably there's no woman in the world who would
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  have Have responded well to you bitching and moaning about
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  painting. The basement you know that
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  that's a I mean maybe some but they're like masochist or
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  something and not in the fun way.
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  So you know, you you really want to address this - cynical world
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  view and that's what these guys have.
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  Usually, that's what they were raised with.
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  And usually, when we talk about it, they say that a parent or
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  both was like that and they really hated it as a kid and
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  Everything was a problem, there was a sighing and complaining
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  and just everything was bad, you know?
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  And that's, you know, an exemplification of a depressed
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  worldview. Somebody with untreated
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  depression, who had been parented the same way as going
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  to parent like that and not parent, even just in general, be
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  like that, right? So like it makes you know what?
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  I think of as the father and Wonder Years, right?
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  Is like that, you know, like everything is kind of like a
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  problem. He doesn't smile very much.
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  She doesn't have very much fun and the problems that he has
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  with the wife, from what I remember were around that, he
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  couldn't be flexible. Like she tries to take an art
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  class, and he wouldn't be supportive about that.
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  She wanted them to get a new car, and he wouldn't do that.
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  And from, from that Dynamic, she was kind of, you know, not very
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  difficult herself. I know it's a TV show, but this
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  used to be like more of a familiar Dynamic.
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  A couple Generations ago was the guy Would be kind of bitching
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  and moaning and cynical and and whatever.
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  And the woman was just kind of quiet and walking on eggshells
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  and trying not to upset him. So, this is a dynamic, that many
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  of them on that, I work with grew up, seeing right.
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  So they were Kevin Arnold in this analogy and no matter the
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  fact that they hated it so much, and they wish that the father
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  would have been, you know, fun and smiles sometimes and do fun
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  things. You know, it's hard for them,
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  not to start doing this exact same.
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  A way of being and these same behaviors, when they themselves
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  are in the adult male role, particularly if there is any
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  stress. And in this case, it's the
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  unhappy marriage stress. Now, think about it, too.
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  And I probably should do a whole podcast on this, but I talked a
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  lot about how you should not think of the honeymoon stage,
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  the honeymoon stage should be thought of as an increase in
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  artificial increase in the woman's sex drive versus that,
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  sex drive decreases. After it because then it's
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  thought, oh, everything was going along.
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  Well, and she there, she was always at this High stage.
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  And that after that, she tank, that's not true.
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  She was always at this low stage, really.
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  And then the honeymoon stage artificially inflated it.
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  Well, the honeymoon stage really does that also for the attitude
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  of difficult and - men, you know, so they all of a sudden in
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  the honeymoon, phase become much more flexible and open-minded,
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  and they're laughing, and they're smiling.
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  Then after that, after that one, and a After three years post
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  marriage, you know when certainty resolves is when the
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  limerence stage or the infatuation stage resolves, they
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  start to become the same jackass really that they grew up with,
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  you know, that kind of negative guy and this isn't, you know, a
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  blame thing. You know, you are struggling.
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  If you are this guy, then your life isn't Fun to you either.
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  It's not like you're just trying to bring her down, you feel like
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  shit, painting the basement, you feel like you're being fucked
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  like life. In what you had expected like,
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  you are suffering more than average.
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  You may well be depressed, your father or your mother, whoever
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  you got this from was probably depressed as well as a
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  depressive worldview with negative thoughts about self
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  world and future. And if you're, you know, always
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  complaining and always very difficult, it's and always angry
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  anger is a big symptom of depression in men and always
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  irritable which is the same and tired, you know you're probably
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  depressed and you really need to be talking to somebody.
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  A and or possibly try medication at least try therapy.
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  You know, I mean try to do anything but at least don't tell
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  yourself that you are realistic. That like you're being
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  realistic. Life is difficult.
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  Everything sucks. Also, the one thing you should
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  be more realistic about though, it see the overlap between you
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  and whichever parents acted like this and think about how you
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  hated it as a kid. That's probably how your wife
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  feels now and I'm not saying she's any picnic but, you know,
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  it's, you can't always blame. Same.
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  As you learn to do your own behavior on somebody else.
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  Yes, she's not perfect either but you know what?
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  You could be getting laid a lot more and you would still have
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  this same upbringing and you would be maybe 10 percent less
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  of an asshole. You know I mean that's the truth
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  and you got to think about it for real because if you can work
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  on this aspect of your character of being very negative cynical
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  complaining and basically negating all the positive things
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  you do. So if there was a video camera
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  and The house. Who would have seen you
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  painting? The basement be like, oh this
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  man is like a plus husband. And then if they put up the
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  audio though, you would be like, bitching moaning sighing,
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  groaning, and it would no longer seem like 1/8 + husband.
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  If you seem like a guy who likes to suffer, you know, and so it
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  and to bring everybody down with him and this is an again
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  accusatory. This is supposed to be an
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  objective kind of look in. Who are you really to get it
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  like to be around? Are you somebody who people want
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  to be around? And that are in your home at
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  most guys can keep it together for work, you know, and people
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  really like them at work but then sometimes I really like
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  stresses them so much to have to put on the happy face at work
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  when they were not raised to really instinctively put on a
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  happy face that at home, they become even more negative and
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  cynical and critical and irritable and all of these
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  things. So, you may be doing all the
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  right things, you may be executing all of these tasks,
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  but you're doing it with such a Negative Of attitude.
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  Same exact way. Probably.
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  If you go back that your parents were, they did the right things.
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  They fed you, they closed. You.
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  They sheltered you. They drove you to shit.
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  But do you have positive feelings and memories about your
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  interactions with them if they were negative?
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  People probably not. That's unfortunate because they
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  obviously busted their asses and tried as hard as they could.
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  But this something about their attitude was the problem and
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  that may be what's going on here, you know.
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  If you have a wife that frequently says yeah.
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  Okay. Yeah.
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  You did the stuff. Thank you.
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  Yep. Mhm because she doesn't want to
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  overly. Praise it because you were so
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  miserable about it that it brought everybody down.
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  Another type of thing is like travel.
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  So a lot of guys will travel but they'll be kind of a dick about
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  it, you know. They don't want to be pushed
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  outside their comfort zone so they'll travel but they always
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  kind of have a bad expression on their face or shopping.
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  Like yeah, she could spend what she wants but they're going to
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  make Make a comment about it, you know, money, the shopping
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  money, whatever, or the kids, you know, their behavior.
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  Yeah. Okay.
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  They don't hit the kids. They don't really scream at the
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  kids but they make little little Jabs at the kids, you know.
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  So are they being a good dad? Yeah, they're driving here.
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  They're doing this. They're doing that.
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  They say I love you that run. Father may have never said it
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  but are they generally being positive?
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  Maybe not, you know. You know, it's hard when you've
• 15:02
  not been raised that way to just kind of flip the script.
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  Particularly if you're suffering from, untreated depression, as
• 15:07
  your parent, may have, and as you may be currently.
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  So if this resonates with you, on comfortably, then therapy
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  would be a good step, you know? And if you really, really want
• 15:17
  to be extra A+ husband and we're in real life, then send it to
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  your spouse, send it to your wife and say does this sound
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  like me more than I more than you tell me.
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  Do you am I mr. Negative No, do I do the right
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  things but I do them with so little enthusiasm that it's
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  almost like you rather I didn't do them so I can't claim that I
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  did them because that's a thing you know like it's almost like
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  you paint the basement. But every time she sees the new
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  color of the basement it'll be like fuck you you know you made
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  everybody so miserable about it etcetera.
• 15:48
  All right, so hopefully this gave you stuff to think about as
• 15:50
  I always aim to do and it is a good one for you to share with
• 15:55
  your spouse. It won't go over.
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  So well, if you're sharing it, the other direction, the wife to
• 15:58
  the husband, but You're the husband, asking your wife, if
• 16:01
  this is, you then it could go over well.
• 16:03
  All right. I'll talk to everybody soon.
• 16:05
  Have a great day.