Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why Doesn't It Work When You Try To Turn On Your Wife?

Transcript

Why Doesn't It Work When You Try To Turn On Your Wife? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom, show today.
• 0:09
  I am going to talk about something that people have asked
• 0:13
  which is like wide. Well, nobody asks this but
• 0:16
  people say they complain which I'm going to take us and asked,
• 0:20
  you know, so that I can help you men.
• 0:22
  Complain that anytime that they do anything sexy or sexual to
• 0:27
  initiate, it goes badly. So I've told you that a good,
• 0:32
  you know, way of initiating is to go over and kiss.
• 0:34
  A woman is Say she looks beautiful.
• 0:36
  However, not everybody listens to me, unfortunately.
• 0:41
  And so some men insist on doing stuff like, you know, basically
• 0:45
  like dick pics or the equivalent, you know, like like
• 0:51
  sexy text messages to like a woman who doesn't ever talk sexy
• 0:56
  or like lewd jokes the boob. Grab never do the boob grab.
• 1:02
  I've say this like millions of times.
• 1:04
  Don't people, listen, no woman wants their boobs, grabbed out
• 1:07
  of nowhere. It hurts, but like other things
• 1:12
  like that, you know, and this is cool.
• 1:15
  If you and your wife have this, real sexual, joking,
• 1:17
  relationship. That is extremely rare in
• 1:21
  long-term, monogamy, except sometimes like, if you're on
• 1:25
  vacation and Aruba, you know, but most men, they don't get
• 1:29
  this. Because what it is, is, it's a
• 1:31
  failure of empathy, really so they think, oh, Oh my God, it
• 1:35
  would like make my day / month. / life.
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  If my wife randomly, email me a picture of her topless and said,
• 1:43
  I can't wait till you come home. You know, bleep bleep, bleep
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  bleep, all these dirty things. So they think boy, that would be
• 1:50
  awesome. So, you know, maybe my wife has
• 1:53
  a lower sex drive than me but still, she got some sex drive.
• 1:57
  And so, I am going to really appeal to her sex drive by
• 2:05
  Saying these sexual things that I think would be so hot.
• 2:10
  Basically, if I was a woman. So the men thing here, this is
• 2:13
  empathy, I'm a woman, I'm picturing myself being this hot,
• 2:17
  naked woman and I am so sexy already.
• 2:20
  You see it's derailing, right? Already empathy is failing.
• 2:24
  So what men have to think is my analogy of eating when you're
• 2:29
  not hungry, right? So women have no spontaneous sex
• 2:33
  drive. Sure, sometimes, you ovulate,
• 2:36
  sometimes, you see a hot dude at the gym, whatever.
• 2:39
  But let's just make it really simple because it's a 20-minute
• 2:43
  podcast and we really need to kind of oversimplify so that
• 2:48
  things can be very basic assume. Your wife has no sex drive, the
• 2:51
  sex drive of a piece of drywall. So if she has no sex drive, it's
• 2:56
  like any other human drive. It's like, trying to sleep on.
• 2:59
  You're not tired or eat when you're not hungry, but let me
• 3:02
  give you a nice analogy, right? So Your wife was not hungry,
• 3:06
  which for most women is a blessed State than to think that
• 3:09
  you're not hungry and you don't have to worry about calories,
• 3:11
  how much you eat, when you eat, How fat you are for.
• 3:14
  One second is wonderful. So, women love not being hungry,
• 3:18
  right? So let's see if she wasn't
• 3:20
  hungry and you say to her. Here's a cookie.
• 3:26
  Want a cookie. So your wife is going to be
• 3:28
  like, no, I don't want a cookie, I'm not hungry, right?
• 3:33
  In the case where she could say, no to a Be some people can some
• 3:35
  people can but you say no I don't want to eat a cookie.
• 3:38
  So however what if your wife wasn't hungry and your son or
• 3:44
  your daughter, you just picture your son.
• 3:46
  If you have boys because son usually has the keys to his
• 3:49
  mommy's heart in a different way came over and said, oh Mommy, I
• 3:53
  baked you a special cookie at school.
• 3:56
  I love you. Would your wife eat the cookie
• 4:00
  even though she's not hungry? Yeah, like obviously and you
• 4:04
  could have just I offered her a cookie and she would have said
• 4:06
  no, didn't I say I wasn't hungry and then your kid comes over
• 4:10
  with a cookie and all of a sudden look who's eating.
• 4:13
  Right. So similarly your wife could be
• 4:16
  not tired enough to go to sleep at 8:30, when it's you but if
• 4:20
  your kid is like Mommy, Mommy lay with me, well frequently,
• 4:24
  she goes in and falls asleep. So, these are times where
• 4:27
  somebody's emotions are so strong that it goes against
• 4:32
  their natural instinct. So, What you're trying to do is
• 4:36
  the same thing. Your wife has no desire to have
• 4:39
  sex at all. Just like she isn't hungry or
• 4:40
  she isn't sleepy in those situations but how can you
• 4:44
  emotionally appeal to her to get into the headspace where she's
• 4:48
  gonna have sex with you? Anyway, now if you're like, oh I
• 4:51
  don't want to have that shitty sex that she's gonna have with
• 4:53
  me. Anyway when she doesn't want to
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  then you can refer back to my response of Desire podcast.
• 4:57
  Because if she begins to have sex with you frequently, she
• 5:00
  wants to do it and her sex, drive ramps up from the Act of
• 5:05
  starting to have sex. That's how women differ from
• 5:08
  men. Men of spontaneous desire, women
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  have responsive desire within monogamy.
• 5:12
  So how do you get her to a place where she wants to eat the
• 5:15
  cookie as it were? Well it's not by advertising the
• 5:19
  benefits of the cookie. That is not what your child did
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  not scenario. They didn't say this cookie is
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  extremely delicious because there's a recipe for cookies
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  that we followed and blah blah blah blah blah.
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  No they said I love you. I made this just for you.
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  You know, and they imply that if the mother doesn't eat it,
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  they're going to be sad because this was a special thing, right?
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  And so then that pulls out her heartstrings and she eats when
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  she's not hungry, right? But what you're trying to do is
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  extol a cookie, when she's not hungry, she doesn't want the
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  cookie. She does not want your penis.
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  She does not want your body. She does not want to have sex.
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  She doesn't want those things. But what would she want?
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  She would want to make you happy when she feels that.
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  You also are trying to make her happy because you guys are in a
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  Loving, happy relationship. So this is really how you should
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  think about emotional for play and I can't really emphasize
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  this enough. You're trying to get your wife
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  into a headspace where she will try to have sex.
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  You're not trying to turn her on, don't try to turn your wife
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  on. So that's a wonderful title that
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  I'm going to put for this podcast episode.
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  Don't try to turn your wife on. Don't try to turn her out it
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  because it's, like, advertising all the benefits of a meal, when
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  she's not hungry. She's going to think it sounds.
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  Disgusting the same meal that she would love if she was
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  starving. Now, you're like, how can I get
• 6:39
  her to be starving, man? I don't know.
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  I would not be having to work anymore.
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  If I had figured out that formula of how to make your
• 6:47
  wife, be starving for sex. But what I do know is that there
• 6:51
  are plenty of ways that you can have a great sex life with your
• 6:55
  wife as long as you understand. It's not going to be like porn
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  and it's not going to be like a honeymoon stage.
• 7:01
  Whether it was with her or with the girlfriend that you remember
• 7:04
  from one. Ver.
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  Who probably acts just like your wife right now.
• 7:07
  So what would this entail? What I what I was saying was
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  people when men hear women say, I wish there was for play all
• 7:16
  day. That would be emotional
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  foreplay. What does she mean?
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  She needs. She wishes that you were acting
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  loving and cute and sending little romantic text messages
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  and shit like that. You could refer back to my, how
• 7:27
  to be romantic podcast, because that makes her in the head space
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  where she remembers, she loves you, and she wants Wants to eat
• 7:35
  your cookie because she loves you so much right?
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  Like with your kid and so, what you, you do not want.
• 7:42
  I've seen this mistake. The woman says, I want emotional
• 7:46
  for play all day and so he says, okay, so in the morning, I'm
• 7:49
  going to send her a text message.
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  That's a meme about blowjobs. I'm going to follow it up with
• 7:54
  telling her all the ways. I want to go down on her when I
• 7:57
  get home. I'm going to grab her boobs.
• 7:58
  I'm going to French kisser, then, baby.
• 8:01
  We're going to be good to go by 9 p.m. by 9:00 p.m. she hates.
• 8:04
  It's you. This has been like the worst
• 8:06
  day. You have been so insensitive.
• 8:09
  She has no idea what this bullshit is.
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  When in her mind what she asked for was something that was going
• 8:14
  to put her in the mood. Now, it's a semantic problem.
• 8:18
  She says put me in the mood with emotional foreplay and you here,
• 8:22
  put me in a sexual mood know. It is put me in a mood where I
• 8:26
  remember that I love you so that we start to have sex and then I
• 8:32
  can feel my desire. Now this brings up the question
• 8:36
  about all the men who are like oh but I don't want to live like
• 8:39
  that. I want to be with a woman who
• 8:40
  spontaneously desires me all the time in which case I say do you
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  want to be heterosexual? Or are you willing to give that
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  up? Because if you're heterosexual
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  then you're going to be dealing with heterosexual women and they
• 8:53
  with in any relationship long-term are not going to be
• 8:57
  experiencing spontaneous desire. So you can either be single and
• 9:01
  try to be so hot and appealing that you can have a Parade.
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  A never-ending parade of hot women who are within the first
• 9:11
  date or so, going to have amazing sex with you and then
• 9:14
  you move on to the next one. Many men cannot pull this off.
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  Some men can it's rare, but if that's you, then maybe you are
• 9:22
  wasted on marriage, you know, maybe you are in fact, James
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  Bond and can really pull that off for the rest of your life,
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  or if you are a man that's heterosexual and wants to at
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  some point, being a long-term relationship.
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  Egypt with a heterosexual woman then you can just say yes, there
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  are many fantasies people have in the world such as having a
• 9:41
  Lamborghini and owning my private island and having a wife
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  that is flooded with spontaneous desire whenever I open the door
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  to the house and she sees me, so those are all fantasies.
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  But what I can do in reality is I can try to get my wife into
• 9:56
  the mood of the being receptive, to me, not aroused mood, the
• 10:03
  arousal you were Khan once you start having sex, that's when
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  you can bring out all the tricks that you Googled about how to be
• 10:10
  a better lover. And all of the tips and tricks
• 10:14
  in my podcast, about 10 ways to make your highly sensitive wife
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  wants sex more and you could be the most responsive and
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  attentive and wonderful lover in the world.
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  But don't start with that stuff before you've already started
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  sex. Right?
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  Because she doesn't have any desire in your trying to make
• 10:32
  her eat when she's not hungry. Only makes people discussed it.
• 10:37
  So that is also I wrote about that in my post, where a man,
• 10:41
  God bless him wrote. Why doesn't my wife just go down
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  on me when she doesn't want sex? Boy, seems good.
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  Everyone's happy except her because she's not hungry.
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  She doesn't have any desire. So for her to go over and go
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  down on you when she's zero, desire is like gross.
• 11:00
  Sorry, it's gross. It does she's not she doesn't
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  want it. She isn't aroused.
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  If you said why can't she sometimes, go down on me during
• 11:08
  sex. Sure, I am with you when she's
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  already aroused feeling uninhibited and her juices are
• 11:14
  flowing for sure. But to say, listen, it's cool.
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  She's not in the mood at all and but maybe she should just go
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  down to me. Yes.
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  Some women can and will particularly in early stages.
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  But overall if you continue to associate your penis and sexual
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  activity with her on aroused state, You're doing some bad
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  classical conditioning. She's going to start to see the
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  sight of your penis and your naked body as linked associate
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  of lie in her mind and body with a state of non arousal.
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  Oh, fuck. Here it comes.
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  I guess I have to go down on him.
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  You don't want that. You want her to go down on you
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  in the middle of sex in the middle when she is aroused
• 12:01
  already, right? This is why I keep saying
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  whenever I talk about the order of operations here, many people
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  do it wrong. The man goes down on the woman
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  and then she's ready for sex. And then she's ready for sleep
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  and then what happens to him. Nothing.
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  Nothing much, right. So there should be a lot of
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  stopping and starting with oral manual.
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  And penetration, that all these forms of stimulation, don't have
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  to all occur straight in a line. Because then yeah, then the guy
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  doesn't really get any attention.
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  To him at all because things are just proceeding in this way that
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  he thinks they have to go. And actually now that I'm
• 12:40
  thinking about it, this is due to the same fallacy, right?
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  That his job is to turn her on so many guys assume.
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  Okay, we're getting into bed, so I'm going to turn her on by
• 12:53
  going down on her. No, no, that's the.
• 12:57
  This is frequently very wrong. She's not stopping you because
• 13:02
  of the social idea that it is, quote, nice and giving.
• 13:04
  Being of you to go down on her and also could you like it, you
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  know, don't forget, you're always telling her, I can't wait
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  to go down on you so she thinks you like it because you like it.
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  But in reality any time that a man tries to go down on a woman
• 13:17
  and she's not even aroused yet at least like 20 minutes and
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  that is going to be misguided because she isn't aroused.
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  Yet, this is why there needs to be most of the time for play
• 13:29
  before that guys. Consider going down on a woman
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  for plates, not for play this, like the main event that Leads
• 13:34
  to the orgasm or close to it, it's like sex, we need for
• 13:39
  played before and that usually kissing and touching and
• 13:43
  particular, massage things like that because men think about it
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  as foreplay, because their penis isn't involved, but it's not for
• 13:50
  plate of the woman. It's directly touching your
• 13:52
  genitals before you are ready. So, if your MO is get the woman
• 13:57
  in the bed and immediately go down on her, probably you are
• 14:00
  coming into that ten to thirty two minutes.
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  It's too early for her to really get anything out of it, besides
• 14:07
  awkwardness, and if she gets herself into the right
• 14:09
  headspace, she could have an orgasm but it is not anything
• 14:13
  more than like, you know what, you have an orgasm If eventually
• 14:16
  somebody's touching you long enough, but it wouldn't be as
• 14:19
  good as it could be. If she had already been aroused
• 14:22
  when you started to go down on her.
• 14:25
  So this is another idea about what does it mean to turn on a
• 14:28
  woman? What it usually means is, you
• 14:32
  are so nice. So sweet.
• 14:33
  So loving that she Wants to get into the mood with you.
• 14:36
  She is then open to the idea of trying to have sex with you at
• 14:41
  that point. Actual long for play occurs
• 14:45
  which can be kissing touching breast stimulation, things like
• 14:49
  that back, rubs, whatever she likes.
• 14:52
  And then we go to anything involving genitals much later.
• 14:56
  So what I hope that you get out of this is the idea of the
• 15:01
  reason that your wife isn't responding to your quote cute.
• 15:04
  Or quote sexy text messages or comment, it's because she isn't
• 15:08
  hungry and you're sending her a picture of a cookie that she
• 15:10
  doesn't want. And you know what, you can
• 15:14
  understand this better, if you can think about it in that way
• 15:18
  because if you weren't hungry and somebody sent you a
• 15:20
  six-course meal, you would be like, oh like, well, that's
• 15:25
  okay. Nice, I guess but you wouldn't
• 15:27
  say wow, that that's great. I can't wait to eat that cuz you
• 15:31
  not hungry. Okay.
• 15:33
  So you are not trying. Into physiologically aroused,
• 15:36
  Your Wife, by the way, women aren't visual.
• 15:38
  So if there are people doing the direct dick pic thing, or even a
• 15:42
  picture of their face or picture, whatever it really
• 15:46
  doesn't do much. If you are a wife is visual, you
• 15:48
  will know because she will have at some point wanted the lights
• 15:51
  on and to look at your body out of the honeymoon stage where
• 15:54
  women may say things like that, or even feel things like that.
• 15:58
  And then you know, doesn't continue.
• 16:00
  The majority of women are not visual men are visual so there's
• 16:03
  really no. Equivalent of the sexy picture
• 16:07
  on for both genders. However, the equivalent is a
• 16:11
  romantic text message, I love you so much.
• 16:15
  You're such a good Wi-Fi, your I'm so lucky to be with you.
• 16:18
  You look, beautiful today, that sort of stuff is equivalent to
• 16:22
  the man getting a visually arousing picture with a sexy
• 16:26
  message. All right, so hopefully this
• 16:29
  cleared up the idea of why you should not try to directly turn
• 16:31
  on your wife and why this goes to shit.
• 16:34
  When you do try, and if you're not in the situation, then all
• 16:38
  my podcasts. If you if this is not your
• 16:40
  situation man, you could feel so good about yourself and so
• 16:43
  lucky. And then you could tell your
• 16:45
  wife. I'm so glad that we have the
• 16:47
  kind of relationship where I could send you a picture of my
• 16:48
  penis and you're happy to see it.
• 16:50
  So, for those three men that are out there in that situation, you
• 16:54
  should really be sending your wife flowers, right now for
• 16:56
  being such a great, a awesome person.
• 16:59
  And for everybody else, hopefully I have normalized your
• 17:03
  wife's experience and giving Avenue analogies and
• 17:06
  explanations that can more easily explain to you what's
• 17:11
  going on in her head, which is, you know, kind of usually a
• 17:14
  black box. Alright, thanks so much for
• 17:16
  listening, please, like And subscribe to this podcast and if
• 17:21
  you're a subscriber I will answer any question you have at
• 17:24
  any time. All right.
• 17:25
  Bye guys.