Latest / Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor / Mojo Monday - The Self-Esteem Gremlin, the Sushi Train, and You With Carly Taylor

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Mojo Monday - The Self-Esteem Gremlin, the Sushi Train, and You With Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Everyone, it's Carlie Taylor here for another Moto Monday. So
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: today we are going to dive into something that we
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: all seem to want more of, and that is self esteem.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: So we often talk about self esteem as if it's
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  Speaker 1: a requirement to live a full life. So it's often
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  Speaker 1: a lack of self esteem that is the reason why
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  Speaker 1: some of us don't do the things that we could
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  Speaker 1: do or do the things that we want to do.
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  Speaker 1: It's like self esteem is part of almost like a
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  Speaker 1: recipe for life, but it actually isn't. So after all
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  Speaker 1: the work that I have done, after the many years
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  Speaker 1: living on this planet, my self esteem is often low.
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  Speaker 1: And it's not always low, but depending on what's going
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  Speaker 1: on around me or the events in my life, self
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: esteem gremlin can pipe up to remind me that I'm
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  Speaker 1: not good enough, or I'm gonna be judged, or I'm
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  Speaker 1: boring or you know what I'm talking about. Because I
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  Speaker 1: think we've all got that voice in our heads. But
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  Speaker 1: there's a butt. There's a butt. I've developed an attitude
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  Speaker 1: of allowing that voice to come and go, and every
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  Speaker 1: now and then I might get tangled up in its web,
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  Speaker 1: But more often than not, I don't give into it,
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  Speaker 1: and it can be so rewarding because you find out
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  Speaker 1: that you actually can do these things that this voice
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  Speaker 1: tells you that you can't do. And it's a really
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  Speaker 1: great feeling because when you do move through that and
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  Speaker 1: you do these things that will release it's dopamine, and
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  Speaker 1: it motivates you for next time, and it motivates you
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  Speaker 1: to be able to take a few risks. So we're
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  Speaker 1: going to explore how we can shift from striving for
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  Speaker 1: feeling good enough, which often stops us from taking action
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  Speaker 1: to doing things that are important to us. So self esteem,
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  Speaker 1: what is it, Well, it boils down to how you
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  Speaker 1: feel about yourself and what you tell yourself, and it's
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  Speaker 1: a measure of your self worth and confidence and your
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  Speaker 1: ability and your attributes. And having what they call a
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  Speaker 1: healthy self esteem means that you're generally okay with the
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  Speaker 1: fact that you make mistakes and that you can't do
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  Speaker 1: everything at one hundred percent. There's no perfection when it
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  Speaker 1: comes to having high self esteem. And it also this
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  Speaker 1: sort of acceptance that others are better at you than
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  Speaker 1: a lot of things. They may be stronger, or better looking,
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  Speaker 1: or more successful or whatever it is, and you're okay
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  Speaker 1: with that. So it really is linked to self acceptance,
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  Speaker 1: and that means acknowledging where you're at right now, so
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  Speaker 1: your strengths and your weaknesses, all the things that make
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  Speaker 1: you who you are, and at the same time being
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: compassionate with yourself. And that's not fluffy. I'm not talking
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  Speaker 1: about giving myself a big hug. I don't do that.
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  Speaker 1: I don't whenever I've been in a situation when somebody's
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  Speaker 1: asked me to hug myself, it always just kind of
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  Speaker 1: eeks me. But anyway, it's fine. If it works, it works,
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  Speaker 1: but not for me, but for me self. Compassion can
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  Speaker 1: be about acknowledging my imperfections, acknowledging that my past, with
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  Speaker 1: all its ups and downs and with all the choices
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  Speaker 1: that I've made, has brought me to where I am
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  Speaker 1: right now, and just acknowledging that without putting so much
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  Speaker 1: attention on this self critical voice that is in our minds,
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  Speaker 1: is all a part of that self compassion. So I've
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  Speaker 1: said this before, You are not your thoughts, and this
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  Speaker 1: is really critical to keep going back to because we
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  Speaker 1: can get so entangled up in our thoughts that we
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  Speaker 1: can easily become really stuck and our thoughts tell us stories,
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  Speaker 1: and we believe the stories to be true, and emotions
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  Speaker 1: show up based on that story. So we often just
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  Speaker 1: obey whatever our mind tells us. Our thoughts are just
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  Speaker 1: words in our minds, but we then put so much
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  Speaker 1: meaning on those words that can become very, very powerful.
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  Speaker 1: And this narrative we have in our minds, it is
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  Speaker 1: based on our experiences from birth right up until now,
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  Speaker 1: and our mind just wants us to protect us from
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  Speaker 1: what is perceived as dangerous, perceived danger based on our
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  Speaker 1: past experience. And of course this can be really helpful
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  Speaker 1: in certain situations, but in the context of what we're
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  Speaker 1: talking about, it can be really unhelpful and not useful.
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  Speaker 1: And we need to decide which thoughts are helping us
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  Speaker 1: and which thoughts are hindering us. So I ask thank
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  Speaker 1: you this, what thoughts are holding you back? Can you
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  Speaker 1: actually identify those thoughts? Can you tell the difference between
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  Speaker 1: a helpful thought or an unhelpful thought? Because often when
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  Speaker 1: we're stuck, we become victims of ourselves without consciously being
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  Speaker 1: aware of that. So you are the observing self. It's
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  Speaker 1: like sitting on the bank of a river and watching
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  Speaker 1: your thoughts float past on the leaves. You can be
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  Speaker 1: curious about those thoughts, excepting that they're there, but not
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  Speaker 1: allowing them to control you, because you are in charge
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  Speaker 1: of what you do, not your thoughts. So how do
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  Speaker 1: we observe our thoughts? Well, I've got a technique that
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  Speaker 1: is really simple but really effective that comes from act
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  Speaker 1: or acceptance commitment therapy. So rather than saying I'm thinking
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  Speaker 1: like I'm thinking I'm a loser or I'm thinking I'm fat,
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  Speaker 1: you say to yourself, I notice I'm having the thought
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  Speaker 1: that I'm a loser. Because what that does is it
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  Speaker 1: separates you from the thought because you are now becoming
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  Speaker 1: the noticer of the thought, not the thoughts themselves. And
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  Speaker 1: a metaphor that I heard recently which I really love
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  Speaker 1: is to imagine that you're at a stushi train. And
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  Speaker 1: I think I love this one because my son Oscar
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  Speaker 1: absolutely loves sushi train. We're always going there for lunch.
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  Speaker 1: It's kind of our special time together. So yeah, I
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  Speaker 1: really love this metaphor. So imagine you're an at a
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  Speaker 1: stishy train and all the plates of food are your thoughts.
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  Speaker 1: So some of them are your favorites, some of them
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  Speaker 1: are just yeah, yeah, okay, Yeah, I'll take it if
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  Speaker 1: you want it, and some there is no way you'd
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  Speaker 1: take it, like eel, Like I just would never pick
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  Speaker 1: up any plate that says that it's eel sushi. No
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  Speaker 1: offense to the people that love ill, but yeah, it
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  Speaker 1: just wouldn't be my choice. So the chef keeps on
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  Speaker 1: placing plates of food on the conveyor belt. So the
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  Speaker 1: chef is like your automatic thoughts. You don't have a
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  Speaker 1: choice which thoughts keep appearing, and these plates they keep
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  Speaker 1: on coming. But you are able to watch the thoughts,
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  Speaker 1: watch the sushi as it goes by, and choose which
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  Speaker 1: thoughts you want and which thoughts you can let pass
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  Speaker 1: you by. So those thoughts that aren't helpful, like you're
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  Speaker 1: an idiot, or you're not good enough, or you're boring,
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  Speaker 1: or you're unlovable, they're the sushi plate that you don't
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  Speaker 1: pick up. And so this is what you can develop.
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  Speaker 1: You can choose which thoughts to pay attention to and
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  Speaker 1: which thoughts are not useful. So just like choosing which
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  Speaker 1: sushi you love or which ones you think are okay,
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  Speaker 1: and which ones you'd leave. So that's the thing what
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  Speaker 1: this is teaching us is it's this skill to be
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  Speaker 1: able to notice our thoughts and to be able to
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  Speaker 1: accept them that they come and they go because they're
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  Speaker 1: just automatic, because we're all human. But as being the
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  Speaker 1: observer of our thoughts, we can identify which thoughts are
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  Speaker 1: helpful to us and which ones aren't, and then allow
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  Speaker 1: the others just to be there. They might hang around
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  Speaker 1: for a bit, but otherwise they will gently pass over time,
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  Speaker 1: and then you take action. Even knowing the automatic thoughts
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  Speaker 1: may appear at any moment, you make a choice to
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  Speaker 1: act today that aligns with your core values. So maybe,
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  Speaker 1: for example, you choose to have alcohol free days because
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  Speaker 1: you value your energy levels for the next day. Maybe
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  Speaker 1: you spend some quality time with your family or your pet,
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: or even have quality me time. Or maybe you hit
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  Speaker 1: the gym even though your mind tells you you feel
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  Speaker 1: out of place there, or you're too tired or you're
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  Speaker 1: too fat. You go anyway. Namel Robins said in one
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  Speaker 1: of her podcast episodes, we don't need to wait for
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  Speaker 1: the confidence fairy to arrive. It's about living consistently with
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  Speaker 1: who we want to be, and it means your self
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  Speaker 1: esteem doesn't dictate how you live your life. And I
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  Speaker 1: have talked on previous Mojo Monday sessions about letting go
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  Speaker 1: of how life should be. Or there's another episode I
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  Speaker 1: did on untangling from your Inner Critic, which is very
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  Speaker 1: similar to this one. So what we're doing is we're
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  Speaker 1: building on these skills of being able to observe our thoughts,
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  Speaker 1: notice our emotions, become the noticer, and then take action
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  Speaker 1: using our values as a compass rather than always using
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  Speaker 1: our thoughts and emotions. So that's it for this Mojo Monday.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: Thank you for spending this time with me. I really
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  Speaker 1: appreciate it. So remember, self esteem isn't going to magically appear.
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  Speaker 1: It comes throuughe action. No matter what your mind is
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  Speaker 1: telling you, you do the things that are important to you,
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  Speaker 1: and that way your self esteem builds. So have a
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  Speaker 1: great week everybody, and I will catch you next week.
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  Speaker 1: Se