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TALKING TO YOUNGER YOU · The Karen Kenney Show

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Karen Kenney: It's the Karen Kenney show. Hey, you guys!
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Welcome to the Karen Kenney Show. I'm super duper excited to
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be here with you today, and we're just gonna dive right into
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this sucker, and we're gonna start off with a little a little
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story. So, oh my God, you guys, I'm such a weird sleeper, right?
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Like, I I don't know about you, right? But hello, hello,
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menopause. But I wake up. I wake up often a couple of times a
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night or whatever. At least at the bare minimum, I'm usually
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awake twice a night. Sometimes it's because I have to pee, but
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other times it's because I've been awoken by a sound or a hot
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flash or like whatever the thing is, right? So the other night, I
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wanted to share this with you because, in my hopes that you
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are going to somehow find this helpful. I mean, that's the
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whole point of this whole podcast. I don't just sit. I
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mean, maybe I do, but I don't just sit up in my office here by
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myself like a little weirdo talking to myself, I'm actually
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talking to you, but like I'm alone right now while I'm doing
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it for my own benefit, right? I do it because I really I use
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this podcast to spread a little bit more love in the world. I
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use this podcast as a little bit of like spiritual mentoring and
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a little bit of coaching and a little bit encouragement, a
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little bit of of of being able to move through the world,
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right? Doing this whole being human experience that hopefully
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maybe we can do it with a little more awareness and kindness and
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care, and mercy and grace. You know, like that we can just like
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just know that we're not alone, right? So this podcast, I have
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many many things. I always say I either want to educate or
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enlighten or entertain or elevate people, right? I always
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always want to do that. So hopefully, something I'm sharing
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today will either be helpful or beneficial, or you can apply
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this shit to your own life. Okay, and we're back story time.
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So you know, I was saying I kind of wake up in the middle of the
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night, and sometimes I wake up in double amen hands. If you can
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ever relate to this, for some of you it will be when you wake up
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in the morning. For some of you it will be as you're going to
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bed. But for me, a lot of times I wake up in the middle of the
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night, and it doesn't take my brain a long time to like come
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online, right? Like you know how some people in the morning, they
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wake up in the morning and they're like, "Don't talk to me
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until I've had my coffee, or they're really groggy or
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whatever. So I kind of wake up, my brain goes like, "Blink! It
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goes online. It starts to to think very quickly, and this is
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what one of the reasons why I keep my I keep a little notebook
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and pen right next to my bed because I sometimes get these
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flashes of insights. I really do believe the little librarians,
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as I call them, up in my head and the little library in my
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head, that subconscious place where all the the philofaxes
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are, the little cod catalog is right. The Dewey Decimal system
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is going on up there all the time. So those little suckers
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sometimes have stuff to say at three in the morning, four in
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the morning. So I keep a little notebook by my bed to jot things
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down because it's very active. So sometimes I wake up in the
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middle of the night and there's a thought or a feeling that is
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immediately there on the surface. And sometimes it's
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because I've been having a weird dream. Like I don't know about
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you, but I have incredibly vivid dreams, and they're usually not
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super soothing. It's not like I have dreams, like oh, I'm
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flying, or oh, I got a new puppy. You know, I feel like my
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my brain is working out. It's doing like memory
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reconsolidation. It's taking the little dramas of the day, my
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feelings, my emotions, all those things, and it's doing stuff
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with them, right? It's like it's like doing a little management
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system.
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All the little librarians are putting the books back on the
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shelves and pulling others off and stuff. So, but the other
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night in bed, finally here we are telling the story. The other
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night in bed, I woke up, and the way that I sleep is I was like
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sleeping on my side, and it hurts my shoulder. I used to be
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able to sleep with my arm straight, but now I have to like
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bend my elbow. And if you're not watching the show, right? If
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you're listening to the show, I will describe what what what I'm
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doing right now. So I was like, imagine I'm sleeping on my side.
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My lower arm is like usually sticking out straight, but
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instead I had the elbow bent, so my own hand, right? My forearm
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was coming across my chest, and my hand was ending up like on my
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shoulder, and my fingers were like on my back, right? So just
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imagine, it's like almost like a self hug, like a half of a self
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hug, right? So I was laying like that. So I woke up. I had my arm
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like that, and I must have felt like I wasn't very cognizant of
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this, but I must have felt like a little anxiety rise up in me
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or something. Because all of a sudden, I heard myself say, and
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I was tapping myself on the back, and I said, "I've got you,
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and I said it like three or four times. "I've got you, "I've got
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you, and I'm patting myself on the back right as I'm saying
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this. Well, it later occurred to me when I woke up the next day
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because I remembered this that I was like, "Okay, this is a great
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question to ask ourselves. I said, "I've got you. I got you.
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I've got you, which obviously I was trying to soothe or calm my
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nervous system, but I was also asking the question, "Well, who
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was the you that the I in I've got you? Who was the you that
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the I was talking to? And when I asked myself that, I was like,
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Oh, it was clearly some younger part of myself that was feeling
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anxious or scared or worried or whatever was bubbling up in like
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my dream state, you know, whenever I woke up, and it was
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so comforting and so nice when I was saying I've got you, and I
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realized, oh, that's like 50-seven going on 50-eight year
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old me talking to a younger part of me that was feeling whatever
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it was feeling at the time, which for me I'm sure it was
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anxious or worried or problem solving. It was doing whatever
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it does, and I wanted so I wanted to talk to you about
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this. So the the I, which I would call the self, right? The
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I part of me, the true self. So, and and we're going to get into
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this in a minute. Was talking to a youngest self, and I know that
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I've talked on this podcast before. I have mentioned several
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times about IFS, right? Internal Family Systems, IFS, commonly
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known as Potswork, P-A-R-T-S. Pots. Like I have a part of me
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that wants to go to the movie. I have a part of me that wants to
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stay home, right? Like pots work. Now, before we get into
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all of this, though, I have to make. I always say this. I say
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this to my clients. I say to my mentoring clients, my coaching
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clients, everybody. Whenever I'm kind of giving like any kind of
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mentoring, coaching, whatever advice, or people are asking me
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questions about my opinion, I always go hashtag not a
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therapist. Hashtag not a therapist, right? So I don't
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have a degree in mental health counseling. Da da da da. I have
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been a spiritual mentor for a wicked long time, certified. I
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did a training, a year long training, with a brilliant
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brilliant person who was a therapist and went to divinity
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school and was like you know, and still it still alive and
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still brilliant and smart, and I have been certified, you know,
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in a coaching program with another brilliant mind, Melissa
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Tias. Right, so I've been doing this work for a long time, but
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I'm still hashtag not a therapist. And I'm saying that
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because if you're listening to this, I don't like there.
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There are therapists out there that you can specifically go and
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see to do IFS work, internal family systems work. You can go
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to see them and to do pots work, like formally. Da da da da. The
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stuff that I'm sharing with you today is going to be hopefully
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helpful and stuff like that. But I want you to think of it as
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like, as Linda Tai says, the brilliant Linda Tai says, like
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sip sip. I'm just giving you a little sip, sip, a little taste.
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It's a little taste. It's a little peaky. It's a little
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gander, right? But I want you to like do your own homework.
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That's wicked important to me. That if I give you a taste of
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something and you're like, "Ooh, this really spoke to me, or
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"Wow, I can see how that could be helpful, right? I want you to
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do a little homework. So I got some books here that I will also
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share with you, so and there's more to this. There's there's a
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fun another fun part to this, but that's what kicked off this
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whole thing. This is the the heartbeat of the inspiration of
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this episode, right? Who is the you that the I was talking to?
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So I'll just show it up so you can see. So this is this is like
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oh my god, this book is so old. Look at Richard Schwartz when he
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was wicked, wicked young. So I'm holding this up. This is the
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Introduction to Internal Family Systems Model (IFS) model by
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Dick Schwartz. Richard Schwartz. He was the one who kind of came
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up with this. Now this one is from 2001. That's how long. This
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is an old book. Okay. He's since then revamped. revamped it. It's
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come out again. This one came out, I think, in yeah, 2023.
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This one came out, same book. So I'm just holding up the two, the
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two of them, so you can see the same Z's, but new cover. So the
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one over here that I'm tapping with my finger, Introduction to
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Internal Family Systems, or just watch, just has a new cover,
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updated like you know, 20-two years later. So you got these
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suckers right here, and these will hopefully be helpful. Okay,
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so if you want to check out more on IFS, okay, here are the
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books. Great. Okay, but let me just give you a little a little
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snipsy of this whole thing and why I think it can be incredibly
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helpful for us. So in IFS, in internal family systems, right?
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And what I love about this is there is, to me at least,
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there's a spiritual component to this. So, in spiritual work or
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whatever, we often talk about the self. Like in yoga, we say
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the Atman, right? In other traditions, we just say the self
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with a capital S. Like to me, that means your true self. Then
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that we sometimes will say the small s. Self, right. This is in
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other things. I'm not talking about IFS yet. In other
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traditions, we might say the small s, which is like the
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personality and the ego and the patterns and the bullshit and
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all your habits and stuff. Then there's your capital S self.
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That's the divine self, the true self, the eternal, unchanging
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self. That's the capital S self. Well, in internal family
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systems, they also have the capital S self, which I would
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say, and they call this the self. And the self, think of the
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self. It's been described as many things. It's like the core
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of who you are. It is the essence of who you are. It is
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the captain of the ship. People have often. I was trying to see
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if there was another description here. It doesn't matter. But
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think about that. That the same thing. That capital S self is
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the truth of you. To me, that is like the healed part of you.
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That is the part of you that is like more. Maybe we would say
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even beyond the adult or the mature, or the healed-right?
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Those those words. But this is like again the part of you that
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is grounded. I would say in love. It is the true essence of
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who you are.
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Before the world got its hands on you, before you had your
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traumas and your dramas and the family stuff and all the
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bullshit and all the wounds and the harm and all that stuff.
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Before all of that, there is that true self, the core of who
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you really are. Okay, now what we're trying to do when you're
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doing Pat's work, ultimately, and this is another book I'll
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hold up here because I want to I want to show you this. This is
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another book by Dick Schwartz, Richard Schwartz, called "No Bad
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Pots, No Bad Pots, and it's called "Healing Trauma and
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Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model.
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This is really thing, but here are the four basic goals of
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internal family systems. This is straight from his mouth, from
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his book, right? This is the goal, the four basic goals of
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IFS. Number one, and we're going to get into these pots, right?
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So remember when I go back to that story and I said, "Who was
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the you that the I was talking to? Those you bits, those you
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bits, what I would call the younger pots of me, right? We
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call those pots, and we're going to get into that in a minute.
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But the four basic goals of IFS is number one to liberate your
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pots from the roles that they've been forced into, so that they
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can be who they're designed to be. More on that later. One to
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restore trust in the self, capital S self, and self
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leadership. And we're going to get into self leadership too,
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because the self and the self leadership was that I part of me
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that was telling the younger part of me, "I've got you. Okay,
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that was number two. Restore trust in the self and self
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leadership. Number three is to reharmonize the inner system,
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this inner system of the this kind of inner family that you
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have of all these paths, okay, and then it's to become more
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self-led. That self-leadership to be more capital S self-led in
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all of your interactions in the world. These are really great
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goals. They're very important, okay. So to get into this, think
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about this. We have when we when you want to think about like
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your pots, your pots in action, right? Like today, I went to the
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gym this morning, and there might be a time like you wake up
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and you're like, okay, well, one part of me wants to go to the
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gym because a I want to keep my word to myself, I want to stay
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in self integrity, I want to like grow my muscles, I want to
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stay fit and healthy and strong and all of those things, but the
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other part of me is like wants to stay home and relax, right?
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So we say this all the time. Patchwork is not some kooky,
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far-fetched whatever. We talk about the different parts of
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ourselves all the time. One part of me, even though I ask for the
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divorce, and you know, there's one part of me that wants the
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divorce. There's one part of me that still loves them. There's
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one part of me that's angry, but there's another part of me that
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understands that they just had a tough childhood and da da da da.
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So we have all these parts within ourselves. Now remember,
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I'm keeping this like super light. I'm not going to go like
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again. Hashtag not a therapist, but I do think that knowing
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these things can be wicked helpful when we're trying to
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understand ourselves, when we're trying to understand others, and
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we're trying to-for me, I will say that Pat's work has been
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really, really huge in my work with forgiveness. Me personally,
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I'm not saying it should be for you. It has just been wicked
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helpful for me. Okay, so then you basically have the self-that
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is the captain of the ship. It's over here, and then we have
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these parts. So the parts are broken down into a couple of
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different categories. There's the protectors, and underneath
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the protectors, there's two kinds, right? There's the
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manages, and then there's the firefighters, and we're gonna
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get into those. Okay, that's the next step. Those your pots, they
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only exist now.
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If you guys have ever heard me say on this show, like, oh, one
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of my pots that I have named because I love to name my pots.
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So one of my pots I call Vicky with 2k from Lawrence, and Vicky
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is the one who kind of like she's a major protective man.
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Like she's got something to say. She doesn't like it when there's
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an injustice. She doesn't like it when somebody's mean to
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animals or little kids or women or old people or anybody. She
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doesn't like meanness. She doesn't like bullies. She
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doesn't like injustices, right? Like, and she's like, "Give me
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the mic. I got something to say. Right. So she's like this tough
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part of me. She's still alive and well in there. And I always
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say, like, I like to give Vicky with 2k from Lawrence, a job
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every once in a while, but we cannot we cannot let her run the
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show. She peeks up she peeks her head up every once in a while,
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and I'll be like, "Hey, Vicky, what's happening? So we're gonna
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get into that in a minute, okay? But so we have protectors. I'll
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tell you a little bit more about the managers and a little bit
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more about the firefighters in a moment, but they exist. I always
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say it like this again. Hashtag not a therapist. This is just my
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point of view. I look at the protectors. I always ask myself
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the question: Well, who are they protecting, right? So what
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they're protecting, or who they're protecting, is what we
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would call the exiles, and the exiles are like the wounded and
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really vulnerable parts of your internal family system-I would
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call them the younger parts of you-which is going back to when
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I said, "I've got you. That you I was talking to was some
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younger part of me that was feeling whatever it was feeling,
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right? So that the wounded and vulnerable parts of
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ourselves-they often carry the pain and the memories from our
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childhood, from our past traumatic experiences, and a lot
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of people do not like to think about those old experiences.
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They don't want to talk about those old experiences. They
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certainly don't want to revisit them and feel them. So what do
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they do? And I'm doing this with my hands, you guys. They're up
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by my face, and I'm pushing them down and out, right? They're
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just like taking those parts of you, those younger, vulnerable
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parts of you that might still be scared, or feel abandoned, or
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lonely, or angry, right? Like, and they're just going, nope.
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They're just like, nope. So the exiles, those younger parts of
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us who didn't have a voice, didn't get a say. Didn't matter
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what we wanted. Didn't matter what we felt. weren't asked to
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have an opinion. Didn't care. Didn't matter. Suck it up. Stuff
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it down. Those exiles literally got sucked up and stuffed down
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and sent off to Siberia. Right. So they they have been quote
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unquote exiled. So the exile, and I'm reading this from exiles
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are often hidden by protectors and managers to prevent the
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individual from experiencing the intense emotions that are
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associated with the past wounds, that's the role of the exiles.
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And the goal is to keep those very vulnerable pots protected,
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which hence we have right the protectors, we have the manages,
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and we have the firefighters. So, what the managers do in
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Double A men hands, man, I can highly and easily recognize
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these pots within myself. So maybe and hopefully, fingers
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crossed, like you can too. So, the firefighters. So, what?
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First of all, number one, the managers try to keep us safe by
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controlling other paths or people or situations. So what
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the managers often do is they're proactive protectives, right? So
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they try to avoid and prevent and control against perceived
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threats. They're like, okay, something's going to go down, so
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I'm going to be wicked hyper vigilant, wicked hyper
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responsible, and I'm going to plan, and I'm going to organize,
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and I'm going to control. And they work alongside, right? The
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other protectors. What they want to do is they want to maintain
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order, and they want to prevent the individual. In this case,
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I'll just say me from feeling overwhelmed, right? So managers
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try to prevent the vulnerable feelings from emerging. They're
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proactive. They're like type A. They get shit done. Right.
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They're controlling.
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They can be nitpicky. They're quick to criticize. Right. Like
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those are those parts of you. The perfectionist. Right. They
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try to prevent the vulnerable feelings from emerging by
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staying in control and avoiding potential triggers, you know
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when you say, "Oh my God, that triggered me! I got so
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triggered! Right? They're trying to avoid that, and they're very
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much, you guys, associated with a sense of responsibility or
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duty. I have to do this, right? Not so great, maybe at
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delegating, right? Like I've got to do it. I've got to take care
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of it. I got to stay on top of it. They're literally being
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proactive and trying to prevent bad shit from happening. Those
19:45
are the managers who are the protectors. Okay. So the
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protectors again. Remember the overall job of the protectors,
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both the managers and the firefighters, is to shield the
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individual from pain and vulnerability, so they can take
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on roles. Being critical, perfectionist, controlling, and
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sometimes even aloof, aloof, aloof, aloof, aloof. It's aloof.
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Okay, so that's what they do. They they try to guard against
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pain. They guard against emotions that are attached to or
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associated with past experiences, that especially the
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traumatic ones. So they use all these different strategies to
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kind of maintain control. That's really it is. They're looking
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for safety, just how like how your nervous system's number one
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question is always: Am I safe? Am I safe? Am I safe? Am I safe?
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So also your protectors are trying to maintain safety and
20:37
control. That's what they do. The managers do it in a very
20:41
proactive way. The firefighters, this other group of protectors,
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they do it in a reactive way. So the firefighters are kind of
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like think of them as like emergency responders, like first
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responders, right? I was just working the other day. I did
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Thai yoga massage, Thai yoga body work on a firefighter the
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other day, and I was just thinking about how like they're
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the ones that rush in, right? The firefighters, there's a
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perceived threat, like something is going on. There's a fire.
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There's an alarm going off. There's an accident. They go
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rushing in, and that's what our firefighters do, right? In the
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internal family systems model, is they are there to be
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emergency responders, so when your system starts to feel
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overwhelmed, or some younger part of you, remember the
21:29
managers and the firefighters are protecting the exiles. So
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when one of your exiles, those younger parts, gets triggered,
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or scared, or worried, or anxious, or whatever, right?
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They come right in. They are the reactive ones. The managers are
21:44
proactive, right? The managers are like, "Oh shit, the house is
21:47
on fire. We got to do something now, right? There's a big
21:50
feeling coming up. There's a big situation, right? And some part
21:55
of us is like freaking out. The alarm is sounding, right? The
21:58
anxiety is firing. Whatever it is, so the firefighters tend to,
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though they respond more impulsively. Anybody here a
22:08
little impulsive sometimes? Raise your hands. Right? I'm not
22:12
so much anymore, but I used to be more impulsive. And you're
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not even aware that you're being impulsive because it happens.
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The decision in your mind to protect and put out the fire
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happens so quickly, but I'm way more aware of it now. So they
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respond impulsively to like overwhelming big emotions, stuff
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like that. Okay, so they often engage though. Here's how they
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show up, right? Where the where the managers are a little bit
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more critical, perfectionist, controlling, or aloof, right?
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The firefighters are more like they engage in behaviors like
22:47
substance abuse, or self harm, or other kind of like impulsive
22:51
actions. That their job is to try to distract you or to numb
22:54
you, like those intense feelings when they're flaring up, when
22:57
they're coming up. They just want to put out that fire, so
22:59
they will react and do whatever they can. Sometimes we can see
23:03
it as compulsive behaviors like over-exercising, like anything
23:07
where you're basically trying to, you know, like I said,
23:10
substance abuse. Not everybody. I'm just saying this is why I
23:12
said hashtag not a therapist. Do your own homework. I'm just
23:15
saying this is the general understanding that is kind of
23:18
out there, and firefighters often come into play when
23:21
protectors and managers are unable to contain the emotional
23:25
distress.
23:26
Like let's say a part of you was being really proactive and
23:29
trying to do everything to keep you safe, and then that whatever
23:32
strategy that was failed, and that's when the firefighters
23:35
come on because they try to do a quick escape. They're like,
23:37
"We're out of here. So whether it's smoking cigarettes or doing
23:40
drugs or drinking or shopping, distraction, distraction, numb,
23:43
numb, numb. The firefighters are like, "Let's go! Like, make
23:46
yourself go run. And this is why we see a lot of times people
23:49
just kind of switch tactics, right? So maybe, and again, I'm
23:52
just using whatever examples. They kind of go from one extreme
23:57
to another. They might stop, you know, using a substance, but
24:00
then they start doing like hardcore Ironmans, or they, you
24:03
know, they they just go from one extreme like to another. They
24:07
stop doing this, and then they're like rock climbing the
24:09
hottest peak, you know, whatever it is. So it's like knowing
24:12
ourselves, and this is one of the things I love about IFS
24:16
work. The thing that I have found most fascinating about Pat
24:20
stuff is really. It helps me to become more self-aware. It helps
24:26
me to know myself better. It helps me to know like how I'm
24:30
reacting, how I'm responding, why I am, and when I can
24:34
understand my own internal story and what's going on inside of
24:38
me, what exile is trying to speak, which exile is having the
24:42
panic attack or the anxiety or the worry or the fear or
24:45
whatever is going on? I think of the capital S self as love. Like
24:51
to me, that's the that's the love, right? And all these pots,
24:55
the protectors who are the managers and the firefighters,
24:58
and then the exiles that they're protecting. These pots are all
25:01
the pots of me. Sometimes that have forgotten that they're
25:04
actually a capital S self. They feel fragmented. They feel
25:09
alone. They feel very afraid because they're out in the wild
25:13
trying to defend themselves and protect themselves and survive
25:16
because they've forgotten that who they really are is the
25:19
capital self s, the capital S self and the the the core of you
25:25
that love and that self energy we're going to talk about we're
25:30
going to come back to that like because there's great qualities
25:33
in the self and that will help us to identify when we're more
25:37
in that self energy but let's kind of tap into the exiles now
25:40
so you know about the protectors, the managers, and
25:43
the firefighters, and then there's also the exiles. This is
25:46
also a great book. I'm going to show you this one as well. This
25:50
one is called "We All Have Pots, and this is an illustrated guide
25:54
to healing trauma with internal family systems. This is by
25:57
Colleen West, and I love it because it's like a little
26:00
picture book, and you can see. Like I'll just flip it open to
26:04
the little exiles page because I think it's so cute, and it
26:09
talks. Okay, like this is this is a great picture. So this one,
26:14
what I'm describing is right in the middle of the page. There's
26:17
a big sun, and that's how I like to think of the self too. It's
26:21
like that bright, true light that you are-the love, the true
26:25
self. That's in the middle of the page, and then on the left
26:28
are the managers, and the managers are like the type A
26:30
executive, the caretaker, oh, the people pleaser, the one that
26:34
does everything. That's one of the managers as well, and then
26:38
like the hash critic. That's how your managers can show up in
26:41
these different ways, and then on the on the right over here
26:45
you have the firefighters, and they have like compulsive
26:48
drinker, compulsive eater, compulsive exercises, right? So
26:52
those are the very reactive. The managers proactive, and then
26:55
down here you have the exiles, and there's pictures of
26:58
different people, and the exiles they they gave them. Colleen
27:03
gave them these great names. There's the terrified toddler,
27:06
the hungry baby, the hostile and lonely teen, the confused and
27:11
angry kindergartner, the ashamed preteen, and the neglected
27:16
infant.
27:17
And when you see those little exiles like personified as like
27:20
little cartoons, for me it just really gave me so much
27:24
compassion for them, for me, and then for everybody else, kind of
27:29
in the world, where we're all just trying to to help, you
27:32
know, these exiled parts of ourselves that are kind of
27:35
having I say conniption fits, right? They're kind of having
27:38
little tantrums, you know, and this is what I'm talking about.
27:41
When people often say to me, "Oh, it's too bad that you don't
27:45
work with children. You don't work with kids. They could
27:47
probably really use this stuff. And I said, "Well, technically,
27:49
I work with adults, but I'm really just working with little
27:52
kids and adult bodies. You know what I mean? We all have these
27:56
younger parts of us, and the thing is, is when there's trauma
27:59
in our life, when there's these earlier wounds, these things
28:02
that happen to us when we're younger, I think of it as like
28:06
our exiles kind of get they they carry the memories of our
28:09
childhood, the exiles, and for me, anyways, I feel like those
28:14
parts of us that whatever age we were at when those traumas
28:18
happened, parts of us get frozen in that time. It's like they did
28:23
not get the note, they did not get the memo, they did not get
28:26
the system update. Like, hey, I'm 57 now. We made it. We're
28:32
still alive. We're happy. We have an awesome sweetie, right?
28:35
My husband's amazing. I have, I have, I have a good little group
28:40
of core friends, right? I have furry kids that I'm crazy with.
28:43
I have a job I love. Whatever we don't realize, and so one of the
28:49
questions I always tell my clients is when they're having
28:52
some big reaction, when they're having a big emotion, when
28:55
they're having a big trigger, is one of the questions we can ask
28:59
ourselves is how old am I right now? Right, that part of me,
29:04
like when you're just responding in a way where you even surprise
29:07
yourself. Sometimes you're like, I don't know why I'm even
29:09
crying. I don't even know why I'm angry. I just know blah blah
29:12
blah. I'm like, well, some part of you knows why you're angry.
29:14
Some part of you knows why you're crying. Maybe we can like
29:17
reach out and make a connection. Maybe we can have a little
29:20
conversation with that younger part of you, right? And so I'll
29:23
ask myself, "How old are you right now? What age am I right
29:26
now? Because that helps me to get in touch. Like, oh yeah, I
29:31
remember first feeling like this when I was six, or I remember
29:33
the first time I, you know, whatever a sibling stole a toy,
29:36
and I was like, "Mine, or you know, I didn't want to share, or
29:39
I was really embarrassed, or whatever is coming up within me,
29:43
it's like, oh yeah. So if we can kind of tap into what younger
29:47
part, what little exile, right? Is it the toddler? Is it the
29:51
pre? You know, the preteen? Is it the teen? Like, how old are
29:54
you when this? Um, were you that you know? What age do you think
29:59
you're reacting? Right, what exile is trying to let you know
30:03
that they're scared or there's an issue, and it comes back to
30:06
that. Like when I was in bed and I was patting myself, I was
30:09
self-soothing, right, as we say, and I was saying, "I've got you,
30:12
I've got you, I've got you. I was kind of trying, like
30:15
updating. I was updating whatever that young exile is to
30:19
know: number one, you're not alone. Number two, I feel you. I
30:23
can feel you having whatever experience you're having, and
30:26
I'm not going to abandon you. We don't abandon anymore. I just
30:29
did a whole episode on this about you know stop abandoning
30:33
yourself. So I don't abandon those parts of me anymore. You
30:36
know, there are many years where like maybe I'm like, nope, we do
30:39
not have time for your trauma and your drama and your dead
30:42
mother and your your bullshit, right? It wasn't bullshit. Those
30:45
were the hurt parts of me. But for a long time, I was just in
30:49
survival mode. I had to survive my life. There was not a lot of
30:54
time to go back and do like wound care.
30:57
You know what I mean? There was no, there was nobody, no man
31:00
left behind. I was leaving parts of me behind all the time, and
31:05
now I'm just like, yeah, no, they get a voice. I don't let
31:08
them run the show, but I can tell when I'm having a reaction
31:12
from those younger parts of myself, you know. And I try to
31:15
meet them with really, I try to meet them with self energy. I
31:18
try to meet them with loving care, and I always laugh because
31:23
I remember when these concepts like first came up. I remember
31:26
living in California, like back in the day when I lived in LA
31:28
and stuff. And you know, back then is when these concepts of
31:32
like shadow work or the inner child or IFS, these things
31:36
started like coming up. And I remember I used to always like
31:40
roll my eyes. I used to find the idea of like inner child work.
31:44
I'd be like, like, come on, right? Vicky with 2k from
31:51
Lawrence was like not into it, right? Some other part of me
31:54
that was like, no, we're not doing that, and I laugh because
31:58
I found this sticker. I bought this sticker so long ago, but
32:01
this sticka is so funny, and because everybody would be like,
32:05
"Just be kind to yourself, just love yourself, like listen to
32:08
your inner child, and I'd be like, "Yeah, but you don't
32:10
understand. My inner child is like not nice, right? And then I
32:13
found this sticka. Look at this; it's so great. It says, "My
32:16
inner child is a mean little fucker. That that about summed
32:23
it up. My inner child is a mean little fuck up, but since then,
32:28
all those younger parts, you know, within me, we've had some
32:32
conversations over the years, and so I really do try to first
32:36
of all acknowledge those parts of myself, like tell them that I
32:40
see them. I ask them, you know, what is it that they need me to
32:44
know? What are they trying to tell me? What what's going on?
32:48
Right. I try to really listen. Now, this signs like for some
32:51
people, they're like, "This is kooky monkeys. I'm not talking
32:53
to myself that way, or I I I'm not doing that, you know. And I
32:57
say, "Hey, if you saw a little kid, like a little little kid,
33:02
right? Distressed somewhere, right? At the store, at a county
33:07
fair, on the street, whatever. I don't think most of the people
33:12
that I know, right, would walk by a distressed child and not
33:18
bend down and get at eye level and say, sweetheart, are you
33:21
okay? What's going on? Where's your mom? Where's your dad?
33:24
What's happening? Right? You would you would pay attention.
33:28
And I'm like, if we would do that for strangers, if we would
33:30
do that for a little kid outside of us, why would we ignore the
33:34
little kid inside of me? And here's a little trick that you
33:39
might find useful too. If you find all of this a little like,
33:42
like eye rolling or weird, or you don't like it, IFS isn't for
33:47
everybody. Maybe I'm not saying you have to do it or even
33:50
whatever, but these are just interesting things to consider.
33:53
But I found when I was first, you know, trying to have these
33:56
conversations with the younger parts of me that it was like
34:01
somebody once said to me, "Well, try to picture yourself when you
34:05
were like three. Try to picture yourself when you were two or
34:08
three or four, a young kid, and you know, imagine them. And I'm
34:12
like, "Okay. And they're like, "Well, would you pull them into
34:14
your lap? Would you hug them? And I felt this is just this is
34:18
years ago, but I honestly felt resistance. I was like, I don't
34:23
want to do that. Like, I don't know how to do that. Like, I
34:26
could easily do it with little humans outside of my own body.
34:29
But for myself, I had this resistance, and so all of a
34:33
sudden, I blurted out. I said, "Can I make it an animal?
34:39
Because I knew, I knew there was no way animal outside of me or
34:45
inside of me. If it needed my attention, if it needed my care,
34:48
if it needed my compassion, my tenderness, my love, I would not
34:52
ignore it.
34:53
I just knew, and the person I was speaking to at the it was a
34:57
therapist, but we were doing we were doing work for. IBS. We
35:00
were doing work for my my my gut issues. We weren't. It wasn't
35:04
even like, oh, we're going to psychoanalyze you and like that.
35:08
But it was part of this this thing working on my IBS, and I
35:11
these pots just kind of came up. I said, can I make it a little
35:15
animal? And she said, sure. If that's you know, yeah, if that
35:18
works for you. She's like, "What is it? And I said, "Oh, it's the
35:21
little bunny. And she's like, "Okay, so there's a frightened
35:24
little bunny. What are we gonna do? I said, "Oh my God, I'm
35:28
gonna like pick it up. I'm gonna hold it close to me. I'm gonna
35:30
talk to it sweetly. I'm gonna, I'm gonna like pet it. I'm gonna
35:33
reassure it. I'm gonna say, 'I've got you. I'm here. I love
35:36
you. You're okay. And I was like, "Oh, duh, right? Like like
35:41
oh, this is probably how I want to be talking to the younger
35:45
parts of me. Right, talking to the younger self. It's like oh,
35:50
younger you. Right, who's the you? I'm like oh, it's younger
35:54
me. Like yes, and how do I want to talk to this? How do I want
35:58
to meet this younger part of myself? Well, I want to meet it
36:02
in self energy, right? The protectors have been trying to
36:07
do their job. The protectors have been running around trying
36:10
to put out fires, trying to control everything, trying to
36:13
make sure the the younger parts of me didn't get help, didn't
36:17
get hurt again. But what happens is all those parts of me become
36:21
burdened. They become overwhelmed and burdened.
36:24
They've been given jobs that they shouldn't have been given
36:27
at ages that they shouldn't have been given because there should
36:30
have been adults outside of me protecting me, caring me, seeing
36:34
me, listening. Right? All those things, teaching me these things
36:38
that I wasn't alone, that I wasn't abandoned, that I was
36:41
allowed to have feelings, blah blah blah blah blah, right?
36:44
Again, hashtag not a therapist, just saying. But so we create
36:48
these internal pots, these internal think about even the
36:51
words. There's an internal family in there, and there were
36:55
parts of us that didn't get parenting, that didn't get what
36:57
they needed, right? And so the firefighters and and the
37:00
managers are like running around trying to do all this work to
37:03
protect. And the thing is, is sometimes we just have to have
37:06
some conversations with those younger selves. And it's like
37:08
you know when you do like a system update, whether you're an
37:11
Apple user, a Mac user, or you're you know somebody who
37:13
uses Windows and Microsoft, whatever. There's system
37:17
updates. We have to start downloading the updates and
37:22
letting those younger parts of us know that we made it. We're
37:25
still here. Yeah, we still have some work to do. Yeah, we're not
37:29
perfect. All that stuff, but we are older. We're wiser. We're
37:33
more self-aware. We have more self-compassion. We have more
37:36
tools. Hopefully, you guys. Hopefully. Now I know some of
37:41
you are thinking about maybe your parents or some people in
37:44
your life, and like, well, they clearly had do not have the
37:46
tools. But we can't control what other people are doing, so let's
37:51
keep the focus on ourselves. But we can gather the tools, right,
37:54
to be more helpful to ourselves. But when those younger pats,
37:59
when we're going to Engage with when we're going to engage with
38:05
those younger parts. I want to be coming to them from a place
38:10
of not only love but from my true self, the self, self, the
38:14
capital S self. I want that part of me to be leading the show,
38:19
right? To be running the show, and there's these eight
38:23
qualities, the 8c's right? The 8c in internal family systems
38:28
that they're called, and these are like the qualities that we
38:32
want to show up with, that describe the core qualities that
38:37
emerge as we do this work of unburdening, right? Unburdening
38:41
and healing our parts. As we do this, we start to realize that
38:45
these 8c already exist within us. They've just been.
38:48
It's like when a cloud comes in front of the sun and the sun
38:51
gets blocked, and it can be really easy to think like, oh,
38:55
right, that that that that is not there anymore. The love
38:58
isn't there anymore. But you can never extinguish the sun, and
39:01
you can never extinguish yourself, your true self. So
39:04
these eight qualities of the self, right? They're curiosity
39:09
and clarity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity,
39:16
connectedness, and calm. All right, I'll say them again.
39:20
There's curiosity, this clarity, compassion, confidence, courage,
39:27
creativity, that connected, that connectedness, and calm. And the
39:32
thing that's great about knowing these, and why I said them
39:35
twice, is so that maybe you hear them, they start to sink in.
39:39
Because the more we're familiar with these qualities, the more
39:44
you'll be able to tell when you're in your self energy and
39:49
leading from yourself self leadership versus when you're
39:53
not. So when you're panicking, when you're anxious, when you're
39:57
angry, when you're upset, all those emotions. Are welcome, but
40:01
we don't want to be living and making like decisions from that
40:04
place. We want to be able to tap into these 8c's and when we
40:09
recognize the feeling of these, of staying in curiosity, meeting
40:13
ourselves with curiosity instead of judgment, having clarity in
40:17
that awareness, showing up with compassion for those younger
40:20
parts of ourselves showing up in the confidence, like, hey, I'm
40:23
this age now. I made it. I have more tools. I have people who
40:26
love me. I have a roof over my head. Right. I got food in the
40:29
fridge now. Having courage, having creativity, problem
40:33
solving. Right. Using your imagination and stuff like that.
40:36
Feeling a state of being a part of something greater than you.
40:39
Feeling connected and doing it from a place of calm, that you
40:42
can find safety, that you can have serenity, regardless of the
40:46
insanity going on. Right? We don't have time to dive into all
40:49
the 8c's but the more you're familiar with these, the more
40:52
you'll recognize when you're in alignment with those 8c's and
40:56
you're living from that place, and you're loving and talking
40:59
and whatever, choosing from that place, from love instead of fear
41:04
of a lot of the managing and the protecting and the exiles, and
41:07
that's a really important thing, you know. And so I just wanted
41:12
to share these concepts and ideas with you. And like I said,
41:15
if you're curious, please like rewind and look at the books
41:20
again that I held up and showed you, right? There's a treasure
41:22
trove here of learning more about Pat's work, internal
41:26
family systems. You know that Dick Schwartz, you know, came up
41:28
with. Although some people say somebody before him came up with
41:31
some ideas, and on and on. And that's true. Do your homework.
41:34
Credit the original sources. Know where things come from.
41:37
Okay. So the last thing I wanted to say about all of this, and
41:40
this also is like a bedtime story. Is there was a an old
41:44
little cartoon or meme? It came out in like I think the first I
41:48
tried to do the research. The earliest version of it I could
41:51
find came from 2022 from a video creator or whatever. The name I
41:58
had the name written down. I can't find it now, but it has
42:03
since been morphed a million times. So tons of people have
42:07
taken what's the word, made it their own, and they say that
42:12
they created it. So I'm not even going to name all those people,
42:15
but here's the gist of it. There's this little cartoon of a
42:19
little person in bed, and this is that pot, like these younger
42:24
pots of us that need our attention. And I'm telling you
42:26
this is because I say this to myself at night now. So there's
42:29
a couple of things I do in my nighttime ritual. Whatever, I'm
42:33
not going to share them all with you because my nighttime ritual
42:36
isn't your nighttime ritual. Maybe you have a bedtime ritual,
42:39
nighttime ritual. Maybe you don't. But I also say this to
42:42
myself: If I wake up in the middle of the night to put
42:45
myself back to sleep, right? So this idea of like tucking
42:49
yourself in, right? So when I was a little kid, right, my mom
42:54
would always like tuck us in. When she would, you know, she
42:56
was out at night.
42:57
When she came home, she'd come into our rooms, make sure we
42:59
were tucked in. But when we were little, she would like tuck us
43:02
in at night a lot of times, right? And I loved, like I
43:05
loved. Maybe you're like me, I don't know, but I loved getting
43:09
tucked in at night. And I remember being in my 20s, and
43:14
one night I slept at my boyfriend's house, and he still
43:16
at the time lived at home, and I loved his parents. They were
43:18
wicked cool, and we were like going to bed, and she came in,
43:23
and she's like, "I'm gonna tuck you in, like kind of joking. And
43:27
I was like, "Yes, like do it. I was so excited to have a mom
43:32
tuck me into bed because look, I didn't get enough. For me, I was
43:34
like, didn't get enough of it, and I'm sure I would have
43:37
outgrown it at some point. But I was still young enough at the
43:40
time that I kind of loved getting tucked in when I was a
43:43
kid. Okay, so imagine this little little character, right?
43:46
This little cartoon character is like tucked into bed. Okay, and
43:50
you've probably seen this or heard this, but this is what
43:52
this little character says to themselves. They say this,
43:55
right? Here's a little video. It goes, "Good night to me. I love
43:59
myself so much. I mean the world to me. And then this little
44:04
character kisses its own palm, and then it touches its own
44:08
forehead, giving himself, itself, herself a little
44:12
forehead kiss. When I saw this, I was like, "Oh my God! Like one
44:17
of my exiles just got like so happy. Some little part of me
44:20
was like, "I love that. So I say that now to myself. Good night
44:25
to me. I love myself so much. I mean the world to me. And I kiss
44:29
my hand, and then I tap my forehead. Right. I give myself a
44:34
forehead kiss. I know it sounds kooky. It sounds weird.
44:38
Whatever. My sweetie knows who we married. He doesn't care, but
44:41
I do this, and I say it to myself. Good night to me. I love
44:45
myself so much. I mean the world to me. So I'm reassuring those
44:49
younger parts of me that didn't get enough tenderness, didn't
44:53
get enough mercy, didn't get enough. What's the word I'm
44:57
looking for? Compassion, maybe right, and. Remind myself,
45:01
right? I tell those younger parts of me, like I've got you,
45:05
capital S self, 50-seven year old me, right? We're still here.
45:09
I got some tools in my toolkit. I got a lot of love in my life,
45:12
and I've got you now. You don't have to be so afraid. And
45:16
there's so many processes, right? So many, what's the word
45:20
I'm looking for? Different strategies and ways that
45:24
different therapists can approach this IFS stuff and how
45:26
they how they do it. But this is again like a sip sip for you to
45:31
know that there's ways for us to kind of like I always say we
45:34
can't go back in time, right? You can't build a better past,
45:37
as they say in a lot of recovery programs. But what we can do is
45:41
we can let the younger parts of us know about the present now
45:46
and the self that is leading, right? That self leadership, and
45:49
we want to lead from those 8c's We want to lead from that place
45:52
of love, right? Because all of these broken off pots, these
45:56
exile pots, the pots of us that are running around trying to
45:59
avoid and prevent and control and react to any perceived
46:02
threats. That is so exhausting. It is so much on our nervous
46:05
systems, and that's part of what we're trying to do here. Is
46:08
we're trying to help the nervous system to experience more
46:12
safety. So, I hope this has been helpful to you in some way,
46:17
right? Maybe you'll use these talking to your youngest self,
46:21
things you know, like I've got you and reassuring yourself, or
46:25
good night to you. I love myself so much. I mean the world to me.
46:28
Give yourself a little kiss. Teach these to your children. I
46:34
don't know. However, hopefully it's going to be helpful to you
46:36
in some way. But just thank you so much, you guys, for tuning
46:39
in.
46:40
And like this is the kind of stuff I talk about in the Nest
46:43
all the time. So I have a a spiritual mentoring group
46:46
program and community, the Nest. It's a small little community of
46:50
brilliant and lovely and wonderful human beings, and it's
46:54
always open. It's like 50 bucks a month. You come in. We have
46:57
two calls a month over Zoom on Wednesday nights, by bi monthly,
47:01
bi weekly. You know, so every other week. It's a fantastic
47:05
group. I've been running it since 2020, so it's been around
47:07
for like six years. So, if you want to find out about any of
47:10
the ways that I work with people in coaching, in mentoring, group
47:14
or individual one to one, you want to find out about Thai yoga
47:18
massage, right? Thai yoga body work, the things that I do,
47:22
right? My yoga class is always sold out. That's why I don't
47:25
even promote it because the same people just keep coming back. So
47:29
that little community is amazing and awesome too. But you can
47:32
just find everything on Karen kenney.com Just go up to the
47:35
heada. You'll see everything. You'll see Write Club. You'll
47:38
see Thai Yoga Body Work. Excuse me. You'll see the podcast,
47:41
yoga, whatever. That's how you can find me. So just thank you
47:44
so much for tuning in. I think this has been a long one. I did
47:46
not mean for this to be a long one, but here we are. And I just
47:50
hope you have a fantastic rest of your day. Thank you for
47:52
spending a little bit of your time with me, me and all my
47:56
pots. We see you and recognize all your pots. And the last
47:59
thing I'll say too is, it can be really fun to name your parts. I
48:03
sometimes will jokingly say, if I have a friend who I I play
48:07
this game with my friends where we like name some of their
48:11
parts. So if I know the name of some of your parts, sometimes
48:14
I'll jokingly say like, hey, jokingly I'll say hey, whatever
48:17
the name of the pot is. Let's just say if I was doing it to
48:20
myself, I'd be like, "Hey, Vicky, you know, when you see
48:22
Karen, tell her I want to talk to her because I can tell that I
48:27
have been overtaken by one of the one of my protective paths,
48:31
you know. And I'm like, "Hey, what's really going on in there?
48:33
And I talk to myself, and there's a whole process for
48:36
doing this. There's a whole process for talking to your
48:38
youngest self, how to meet your younger self, some questions you
48:41
might ask, right? But just really think of it very simply.
48:45
If you were meeting a frightened child or a frightened animal,
48:49
how would you approach them? My sense is you would be gentle,
48:52
you would be kind and compassionate, you'd be curious,
48:55
you'd ask questions, you'd listen deeply, you'd reassure
48:58
them, you'd love them, you'd let them know they're not alone,
49:01
etc. etc. You know how to love people, right? Most of us know
49:05
how to do it. It's just we have to be willing to put in the time
49:09
and the energy to do it well. Okay, you guys, I love you.
49:12
Wherever you go, may you leave the people, the animals, the
49:17
other pots you meet, the planet, and the environment better than
49:21
how you found it. Wherever you go, may you and your energy and
49:26
your attitude and your presence and your love and your capital S
49:30
self be a blessing. Bye. Hey, thanks so much for listening to
49:35
the show. I really love spending some time together. Now, if you
49:39
dig the show or know someone that could benefit from this
49:42
episode, please share it with them and help me to spread the
49:46
good word and the love. And if you want to be in the know about
49:50
all of my upcoming shenanigans, head on over to
49:53
karenkenney.com/signup and join my list. It'll be wicked fun to
49:59
see. Stay in touch. Bye.