Latest / The Daily Sarcast / July 9th, 2026: Bank Chili, Only Fans Saving The Day And A Date

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July 9th, 2026: Bank Chili, Only Fans Saving The Day And A Date · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
  This episode is sponsored by Anxiety. Why work out when you can just get your
• 0:05
  heart rate up by your own negative thoughts?
• 0:08
  I'm the most physically and verbally attacked public figure or politician of modern times.
• 0:14
  Nigel Farage, a British politician who founded the Independence Party.
• 0:18
  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Starcast. I give you the news and media laugh.
• 0:24
  I'm Lindsay Vernick and today is July 9th, 2026.
• 0:28
  Good morning.
• 0:30
  That's all I have to say today. Oh, and also, if you like this podcast,
• 0:35
  maybe you should share it with a friend or a family member who you think might get a kick out of it.
• 0:41
  So, in real news, you'd think the hardest part of an $11 billion bank merger
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  would be integrating technology, combining thousands of employees,
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  or convincing customers that nothing has changed. Nope.
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  Apparently, the biggest challenge is the chili recipe.
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  So last year, Cincinnati-based Fifth Third Bank acquired Texas-based Comerica
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  Bank in a deal that created the ninth largest bank in America with nearly $300 billion in assets.
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  But instead of arguing about interest rates, employees are fighting over whether
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  Chili should have beans, tomatoes, or be served on top of spaghetti.
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  I'm literally not kidding. This is not satire.
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  So this feud started during a town hall in houston when a co-american employee asked the ceo,
• 1:32
  the ultimate loaded question do you like chili with beans or without and the
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  ceo just refused to answer the question because why would he that's just such
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  a crazy question to answer right.
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  He then later joked on an earnings call that the company was having an internal
• 1:50
  civil war over Chile and said they truly can't call themselves one company until they settle it.
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  The debate has gotten so out of hand that Wall Street analysts started polling
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  investors with one person who wrote, Chile with spaghetti is my only bear case.
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  Another joke that the bank was being valued on its tangible bean value.
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  So now the company is planning a nationwide chili cook-off where employees from
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  different regions will compete.
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  Judges will be nominated by staff, and the results are apparently binding.
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  Meanwhile, the bank has actually been laying off employees and closing branches as part of the merger.
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  So at least someone in the office gets to argue about something other than a frickin' chili recipe.
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  It's comforting to know the people managing billions of dollars have narrowed
• 2:39
  their biggest workplace conflict down to literally beans.
• 2:43
  Netflix is very notorious for not letting anyone know about any of their numbers
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  or any analytics or any of that kind of stuff,
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  but they just came out and said that several of their major shows had a big
• 2:57
  drop-off between season one and season two.
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  Even really successful series like Beef, Avatar The Last Airbender,
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  and One Piece saw fewer people sticking around for later seasons compared with their first seasons.
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  This makes sense because we're living in the age of,
• 3:15
  i watched a lie someone says they watched a show but what they really mean is
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  that they watched a couple clips of it on tiktok and spent six months telling
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  people they're getting around to finishing it,
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  so netflix is facing a new challenge it's not just getting people to click play
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  anymore it's about getting them
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  to care enough to make it past episode two before a new shiny show appears,
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  streaming has basically turned all of us into goldfish with Wi-Fi.
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  We're not in a binge-watching era anymore. We're in a binge-starting era.
• 3:48
  OnlyFans creators are accidentally taking down hacked government websites.
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  Again, this is not satire, and a sentence I would never expect to say out loud.
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  OnlyFans creators are apparently helping clean up the internet.
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  Cybersecurity researchers found that scammers have been hacking into government
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  and university websites and then using those trusted .gov and .edu domains to
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  lure people searching for leaked OnlyFans content.
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  The pages usually don't actually contain stolen content.
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  They're just bait designed to send people to scams, malware,
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  or sketchy websites. But this is where it gets weird.
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  OnlyFans creators and companies that protect their content have been filing
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  thousands of copyright takedown requests.
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  Those requests are helping expose compromised government websites and get some
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  of those fake pages removed from Google searches.
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  It has been found that more than 2,000 government and education domains across
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  80 countries have received copyright complaints connected to adult creators,
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  suggesting that those sites may have been hacked.
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  So basically, the internet's most unexpected cybersecurity team is a group of
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  OnlyFans creators saying, Hey Google, someone stole my content,
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  and accidentally adding, Also, your government website might have a virus.
• 5:09
  In Lindsay life. Yesterday, I spent yet another day binging Love Island,
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  again, for work, because, okay, well, I can't say too much yet,
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  but yeah, I had to do that for work.
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  And then I went on a date after, and on the date, I kind of pretended like I
• 5:24
  was on an episode of Love Island, and I was being filmed, and I'm not sure if
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  that's for better or for worse.
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  Things taking up space in my brain this week. Whether I came across confident
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  on the date, or I just stared at him.
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  If the person who stole my tank top from the mail is at least styling way better than I would have.
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  Whether this trainer at the gym has a crush on me or just genuinely hates me.
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  What I'm making for dinner. And why I'm constantly refreshing tracking numbers
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  and hinge messages when neither of them ever has good news.
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  Cooking tip of the day. Truffle aioli on everything.
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  Feedback, comments, questions, a nice Jewish boy looking for a date,
• 6:07
  email me at lindsay at thedailystarcast.com. Thank you so much for listening.
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  Talk to you guys tomorrow.