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19 - What to Do When You're the One Triggered · Masculine Containment

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  Every one of us has had a moment when something small happens.
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  Maybe it's insignificant.
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  It shouldn't be a big deal, but we feel it in our body instantly.
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  Your chest tightens.
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  Your face gets hot.
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  Your tone changes.
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  You feel this urge to react.
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  And before you think about it, you're already in it.
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  You're triggered.
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  You say something you don't mean.
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  You escalate something that didn't need to escalate.
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  And afterwards, if you're like me, you think, why did I do that again?
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  That moment is where most relationships start to break down.
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  In fact, that moment I know now is where, as men, we actually lose our capacity to do everything in our lives.
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  Not because something big happened, but because we're in a situation where we get triggered against somebody in front of us, typically our significant other, and neither person knew how to handle what just came up.
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  This is a skill that almost no man has ever been taught.
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  I know I wasn't.
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  I went looking for it and I couldn't find it.
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  It's called masculine containment.
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  It's the ability to stay grounded even when things inside you want to react.
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  It's ability to stay in the moment.
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  It's ability to be present and lead with curiosity instead of becoming uncontained and exploding.
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  And here's why this moment is so hard.
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  When you get triggered, it's actually part of the fight, fight, fawn, or freeze reaction.
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  Getting triggered is actually a survival mechanism that helps us identify threat and neutralize that threat as men.
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  It's not logical.
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  It's not controlled.
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  It's immediate.
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  But for so many of us, it's hyperactive.
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  Because throughout our lives, we've seen examples of getting triggered and exploding.
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  And no one's ever told us that our opportunity is right at that trigger to slow things down and stop the reaction.
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  And what happens is your body reacts before you have time to think.
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  And in that moment, because you're triggered, because this is a survival mechanism, as it is unfolding, you feel right.
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  Sometimes, if you're like me, you would feel righteous.
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  You feel justified.
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  You feel like reacting makes sense.
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  You feel like reacting is a thing that you should do.
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  And that's why for us as men, this is so difficult.
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  This is what most men do.
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  I know this is what I did for most of my life.
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  I would escalate, defend, shut down, withdraw, or...
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  I would try and overpower the moment.
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  I would get so loud and so big emotionally and have so much energy that I'd try and take control.
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  And here's the truth.
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  When you do those things, it actually does feel like you're taking control.
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  It feels like you're in control.
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  But what it really is, once you're triggered and in that reaction, it's a loss of control.
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  Pia Melody, who wrote the book Facing Codependence, says that if we're ever over a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10 in any negative emotional reaction, we are in an inner child reaction.
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  We have lost control.
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  And if you're like me and most of the population, your body goes there instantly on its own to that unsafe inner child reaction and starts reacting.
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  But here's what we can do.
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  Okay.
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  See, being triggered is not the problem.
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  Losing yourself in the trigger is.
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  Losing yourself to that inner child reaction, losing yourself to that reaction that you have, losing yourself to that bringing the storm rather than calming the storm.
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  And masculine containment is not about never getting triggered.
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  That's an impossibility.
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  It's about what you do when you feel a trigger.
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  See, here's what's actually happening.
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  When you get triggered, your nervous system goes into threat.
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  Your body thinks something is wrong.
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  Your past gets activated.
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  Your inner child gets activated.
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  And most of the time, what you're reacting to is not something happening in the present moment.
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  Most of the time, when you're triggered and in a reaction, you are not in physical danger, but your body is reacting as though you are.
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  Like take a moment and let that land.
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  You're not in physical danger, but your body reacts as though you are.
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  It's because what you're reacting to is something older.
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  It's something from the past.
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  It's something out of the present.
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  It's a threat that isn't actually there.
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  And this is the big shift for us as men.
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  In that moment, when you're triggered, you don't need to fix anything.
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  You don't need to win anything.
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  You don't need to convince or control anyone of anything.
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  You just need to contain yourself.
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  And by contain, I don't mean suppress.
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  By contain, I don't mean withdraw.
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  By contain, I don't mean disassociate.
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  I mean stay actually present in that moment.
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  Pause and take a deep breath.
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  So pause and don't react immediately.
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  Breathe deep into your body, deep into your masculine core.
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  Breathe all the way into your pelvis to slow things down and show your body you're actually safe.
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  You don't need to be in a survival mechanism.
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  If you were actually in a fight,
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  Where you needed to fight, flight, fawn, or freeze, you wouldn't be able to breathe deeply.
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  So breathing deeply counteracts that survival mechanism and shows your body you're safe.
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  Then recognize, hey, I'm triggered right now.
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  I need to slow things down.
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  Slow things down to a crawl.
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  In the Brotherhood Society, where we learn masculine containment together, we have a saying, slow is fast and fast is slow.
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  You've probably heard it before, but we don't apply it to this situation.
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  See, in a triggered situation, slow is fast.
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  Because when we slow things down and we stay and we don't withdraw and we don't shut down, we actually handle that trigger in the moment.
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  Instead of trigger, then escalation, then rupture, then withdraw, then coming back and repairing, that is a lot slower than slowing down in the moment.
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  Slow is fast and fast is slow.
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  This is masculine containment in real time.
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  And here's why this changes everything.
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  For you, for your relationship, for the people around you.
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  Because when you don't contain yourself, you escalate, she escalates, you create rupture, and you're off to the races.
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  When you do contain yourself, the moment stabilizes.
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  She softens.
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  She hears you.
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  You stay connected.
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  You can actually communicate what's going on for you and maybe resolve what's happening.
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  And the pattern breaks.
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  And here's the deeper truth.
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  This is what I learned in my life.
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  And it's so hard to see until somebody says it to you.
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  But once they do it, you can't unsee it.
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  Every trigger is an opportunity.
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  Not to prove something, not to win something.
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  Every trigger for us as men is to become more grounded than you were before.
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  Every trigger for us as men is an opportunity to become more present than we were before.
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  And every trigger for us as men is an opportunity to get into our bodies deeper than we ever have been so that we can be calm and present and aware.
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  You might have heard the phrase, the calmest man in the room is the one who wins.
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  Well, this is how you actually become the calmest man in the room.
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  Not by disassociating, not by withdrawing, not by escalating, not by leaving, but by staying.
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  Recognizing the trigger, slowing down, breathing, getting into your body and understanding that reaction is not necessary.
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  And it will resolve things in your life so much faster.
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  So the next time you feel that...
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  Energy rise in your body.
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  The heat.
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  The tension.
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  The urge to react.
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  Slow down.
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  Breathe.
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  Stay.
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  I know it sounds like it's easy.
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  It's not.
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  It's a discipline.
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  Like a martial art.
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  Understanding masculine containment is something you do over time.
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  But like any martial art, when you apply yourself and you do the same thing over and over again, you get better.
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  And you start to go from not understanding it to understanding it.
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  And not just understanding it to getting good at it.
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  And then you get to a place where most of the time, like it is for me, it's an automatic reaction.
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  When I feel a trigger, I've now hardwired breathe and slow down rather than explode and react.
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  And that's where everything changes.
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  That's where things have changed for me because it's given me so much more capacity for everything I do in my life.
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  That's where things have changed for the relationship with me and my wife because I'm no longer creating a lack of safety for her.
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  And I'm no longer scaring her and having her nervous system get triggered to where it doesn't trust me.
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  I've actually brought her closer.
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  I have the relationship that was better than anything I've ever been able to dream.
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  It is amazing.
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  The most important thing in my life and the secure attachment I have with Katie gives me the confidence to walk out in the world and do whatever I need to do.
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  You know, you've probably heard of the phrase FU money.
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  Well, I have an FU relationship.
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  I've had FU money for a long time.
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  But FU relationship is even better because it's not going anywhere.
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  And.
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  I love my wife more than anything.
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  And having that security, that confidence, that connection of knowing that I'm not going to rupture and that we're going to be okay and that anything comes up, I can lead us out of it is one of the most powerful feelings I've ever felt and has changed literally how I look at everything in my life.
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  See, you don't become the calmest man in the room when things are easy.
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  You become him when everything in your body wants to react and you don't.
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  If you're ready to start doing this work and you'd like some support, you can go to thebrotherhoodsociety.com and join the wait list for the next Brotherhood Container, a society for men where we learn masculine containment together so that we can show it better for ourselves, for our families, for the world around us, and get everything we've ever wanted out of our lives.
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  lives.
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  And if this landed for you, I appreciate you being here.
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  Take a second and hit the subscribe button and leave me a comment.
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  I read everyone personally and I look forward to hearing from you.