Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 215. When Love Starts to Feel Like Walking on Eggshells: Addiction • Anger • Relationships

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215. When Love Starts to Feel Like Walking on Eggshells: Addiction • Anger • Relationships · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apoche production.
0:10
Speaker 2: An easier advice.
0:12
Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened?
0:14
Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much.
0:16
Speaker 1: Bring it in.
0:18
Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
0:28
Speaker 3: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to she Rises to our Bestie segments.
0:31
Speaker 3: So if you're a new here, welcome. We upload every Monday, Tuesday,
0:34
Speaker 3: and Wednesday. And on Tuesday we have an anonymous submission
0:37
Speaker 3: right in with a sticky situation. They're in something they
0:40
Speaker 3: need advice on. Maybe they don't have a circle of friends,
0:42
Speaker 3: maybe they want someone outside the circle of friends for
0:45
Speaker 3: some honest, real advice from us. Absolutely, this is the
0:48
Speaker 3: kind of advice that we would give to each other
0:49
Speaker 3: if we were going through the exact same situation. It's
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Speaker 3: very raw, it's probably unqualified. Take it with a grain
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Speaker 3: of salt. But today's episode is col when love starts
0:59
Speaker 3: to feel like walking on eggshells, addiction, anger, and relationships.
1:02
Speaker 1: Tiana take it away.
1:03
Speaker 4: Let's go hi, ladies. My partner and I have two
1:06
Speaker 4: children together. We have been together fifteen years. Over the years,
1:10
Speaker 4: he has developed to what I would say is an alcoholic.
1:13
Speaker 4: He is triggered extremely easily by small things. You never
1:16
Speaker 4: know what moody's going to get in when he comes home.
1:18
Speaker 4: I can tell our oldest is very weary around him
1:21
Speaker 4: because of the way that he can snap, as I
1:23
Speaker 4: am the same, finding myself over compensating to keep the
1:25
Speaker 4: peace or his moods at bay. He does know this
1:28
Speaker 4: as a problem, but when he stops drinking, which he
1:30
Speaker 4: will do for a week or sometimes longer, his mood
1:33
Speaker 4: is sometimes worse. I assume this is because he's not
1:36
Speaker 4: doing it under any medical guidance and is having withdrawals.
1:39
Speaker 4: He recently looked over my shoulder as I was watching
1:42
Speaker 4: a reel on Instagram, and it happened to be a
1:43
Speaker 4: lady that was talking about her alcoholic husband, and my
1:46
Speaker 4: partner said, get fucked and walked away. Obviously this was
1:50
Speaker 4: a projection of himself and triggered something in him. He
1:52
Speaker 4: had gone to see a professional more so for being
1:55
Speaker 4: quote unquote depressed, but he's the type to think one
1:57
Speaker 4: session and I should be fixed kind of guy. So
2:00
Speaker 4: it really doesn't help enough. With our youngest child, I
2:02
Speaker 4: find him to be extremely short tempered and to put
2:05
Speaker 4: it bluntly and asshole some of the times. One minute
2:08
Speaker 4: he can be wonderful with him playing with a toy
2:09
Speaker 4: or talking about something. The next he is calling him
2:12
Speaker 4: horrible names like spud, Cindy or Veggie for something as
2:16
Speaker 4: small as him tipping his toy box out or dropping
2:18
Speaker 4: food on the floor. I go from thinking what a
2:20
Speaker 4: beautiful dad to despising him. How can you treat your
2:23
Speaker 4: own child like that. I've sent him countless podcasts reels
2:27
Speaker 4: trying to tell him in conversation about something I may
2:29
Speaker 4: have read or seen to subtly approach it, but it
2:32
Speaker 4: just doesn't sink in. He is also on his phone
2:34
Speaker 4: a lot, which also grinds my gears. It shows how
2:37
Speaker 4: hypercritical he is for our oldest when he literally tells
2:40
Speaker 4: them off for being on their phone and watching TV,
2:42
Speaker 4: but will be doing the exact same thing. We have
2:44
Speaker 4: considered moving to Queensland, but I am worried I will
2:46
Speaker 4: have no support if we go. But I also wonder
2:48
Speaker 4: if the better lifestyle and more work security there could
2:51
Speaker 4: help him change. So my question is how do I
2:54
Speaker 4: get through to him. I know alcoholism is an easy
2:57
Speaker 4: thing to beat, but it's also going to come up
2:59
Speaker 4: at the cost of my children growing up in an
3:01
Speaker 4: emotionally safe, loved and supported environment. I do try my
3:05
Speaker 4: best to be supportive, but I work full time, do
3:07
Speaker 4: all the household duties, bedtime routine and everything, so my
3:10
Speaker 4: capacity has drained, especially when I've tried and tried. If
3:13
Speaker 4: he's not ready to put one hundred percent into himself
3:15
Speaker 4: to change, I can't do it for him. Is there
3:18
Speaker 4: another way that I can approach this? What's your advice
3:20
Speaker 4: on moving getting the continuous support and having him stick
3:23
Speaker 4: with it?
3:24
Speaker 2: Thanks?
3:25
Speaker 3: Oh goodness, just started to hear what he's calling little boy,
3:31
Speaker 3: the names, And yeah, I think I find this hard
3:33
Speaker 3: because I grew up with an alcoholic stepfather, and as
3:37
Speaker 3: a child that grew up in that, Like, my.
3:40
Speaker 1: Advice is probably not what you want to hear.
3:41
Speaker 3: But I'd say get out, yeah, because I wish my
3:44
Speaker 3: mom left. There was a time and I was I
3:47
Speaker 3: think I must have been maybe eleven or twelve, and
3:50
Speaker 3: my mom did actually leave my stepdad and she bought
3:53
Speaker 3: her own little unit and it was just me my
3:56
Speaker 3: two brothers. I was the happiest. I remember being the
3:59
Speaker 3: happiest year I can remember. My mom was happy. We
4:03
Speaker 3: got these two cats, and we just I love being
4:05
Speaker 3: at home. And then he wheezed it his way back
4:07
Speaker 3: in Oh.
4:09
Speaker 1: He was never going to change. He still has never changed.
4:12
Speaker 3: And I think I would suggest to you go to
4:14
Speaker 3: couples counseling if he is willing. We always say this
4:17
Speaker 3: if you're a man, or your friend or your parent
4:21
Speaker 3: is not willing to sit in the discomfort and have
4:23
Speaker 3: these conversations and not willing to take accountability, own their mistakes,
4:27
Speaker 3: own their problems and say, yes, this is affecting you.
4:30
Speaker 3: I can see this, you can see this is impacting
4:32
Speaker 3: our family. I want to change.
4:33
Speaker 1: If they're not open to that, I just don't think
4:35
Speaker 1: it's going to work. Yeah.
4:35
Speaker 3: I'm sorry it sounds super black or white, but I've
4:38
Speaker 3: heard and seen there so many times that I can
4:39
Speaker 3: only speak from my own experience.
4:41
Speaker 1: It's just it's not going to work.
4:42
Speaker 3: If they're not willing, they don't see a problem, and
4:44
Speaker 3: they don't think there's a problem, and they think one
4:46
Speaker 3: session is going to fix things. Good luck, buckle in
4:49
Speaker 3: one session, no way. I've started with a new counselor
4:52
Speaker 3: and she said, like she wants to work with.
4:54
Speaker 1: Me for a year.
4:54
Speaker 3: Yeah, for a long time, and I'm so ready and
4:58
Speaker 3: willing to do that work. It's not easy, but yeah,
5:01
Speaker 3: just for the sake of your kids and your own happiness.
5:04
Speaker 3: I could guarantee you're not getting your desires met. You
5:06
Speaker 3: don't feel heard safe, You're watching and mistreat your children,
5:10
Speaker 3: mistreat you, not be present. You're walking on eggshells. Your
5:13
Speaker 3: nervousness will be completely cooked. You're so anxious wondering what
5:17
Speaker 3: Moody's going to be and how he's going to be
5:18
Speaker 3: with you. Guys, he's unpresent, so you're not sexually attracted
5:22
Speaker 3: to him.
5:22
Speaker 1: Yeah, I could keep going.
5:23
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't need to keep going because I think
5:26
Speaker 3: you already know all of this now. I'm not saying like,
5:28
Speaker 3: pack up and leave straight away, but I would really
5:31
Speaker 3: be considering my options. Like I said, if he's not willing,
5:34
Speaker 3: I don't see this getting any better. So you it's
5:37
Speaker 3: like you choose your level of suffering, right, Yeah, it's
5:39
Speaker 3: going to be really hard if you were to leave.
5:40
Speaker 3: There's a level of suffering that he's not going to
5:42
Speaker 3: be around. You're gonna have to learn to be on
5:44
Speaker 3: your own. The cost of living super expensive. You might
5:47
Speaker 3: be sad that your kids don't see their dad as much.
5:50
Speaker 3: Will he step up? Will he fight?
5:52
Speaker 1: Will it go to court?
5:53
Speaker 3: That's a massive level of suffering. Yeah, but a lot
5:55
Speaker 3: of women stay because they would rather choose the suffering
5:59
Speaker 3: of them just being unhappy. But they've got the financial
6:01
Speaker 3: security they've got on paper from an outside everything, Look,
6:05
Speaker 3: it's okay, They'll choose suffering internally.
6:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, then having to go through.
6:08
Speaker 4: All that, yeah, all the perceived family unit, yeah, or the.
6:11
Speaker 3: Suffering of hoping it gets better and it just doesn't.
6:14
Speaker 3: It's looks like you get to choose which level of
6:15
Speaker 3: suffering you're going to choose. But now where I'm at
6:18
Speaker 3: as a woman now and now that I've got children,
6:20
Speaker 3: I've lived that through my childhood and also Steve's spoken
6:23
Speaker 3: openly about how our calls impacted our relationship.
6:26
Speaker 1: And it's been awful.
6:28
Speaker 3: It's the main thing that we've ever argued about, and
6:29
Speaker 3: it's done the most damage in our relationship. And yes,
6:32
Speaker 3: we've worked on a lot of things, and we still
6:33
Speaker 3: are working on things. You know, he hasn't dranken over
6:35
Speaker 3: a year, which has been amazing. But yeah, it's not
6:38
Speaker 3: an easy road to go down. And Steve and I
6:39
Speaker 3: would not still be together if he didn't fully own
6:43
Speaker 3: how much was impacting our relationship. Yeah, there's no way. Yeah,
6:45
Speaker 3: there's no way it would have continued to work. We're
6:48
Speaker 3: here because he's so willing and he owns his part
6:50
Speaker 3: and he was willing to change and do that for
6:52
Speaker 3: him and for us.
6:53
Speaker 1: That's my two cents. Oh, that's tough.
6:56
Speaker 4: I don't know necessarily if I have so much two
6:59
Speaker 4: cents because I haven't grown up in that environment and
7:02
Speaker 4: I haven't experienced it firsthand.
7:04
Speaker 1: Don't drink he no, No.
7:06
Speaker 2: Mom hasn't had a drink since she was in her twenties.
7:09
Speaker 4: Dad he has a drink maybe once a year at
7:12
Speaker 4: like some fit in the event, you know what I mean.
7:13
Speaker 4: So it wasn't really normalized growing up. And like I
7:15
Speaker 4: honestly recall, thank you Mom for this. I honestly recall
7:19
Speaker 4: my mum literally saying to me as I was growing up.
7:22
Speaker 2: I will never date a pub boy.
7:24
Speaker 4: Never ever, ever will I date a man who comes
7:26
Speaker 4: home and has a beer at the end of the day,
7:28
Speaker 4: surrounded by a bunch of men who were doing the
7:29
Speaker 4: same thing.
7:30
Speaker 2: I will never do that. And it's just something that's
7:32
Speaker 2: always stuck for me.
7:33
Speaker 4: So I think, you know, if I were saying this
7:36
Speaker 4: to Ashley, I suppose and I look at you know,
7:39
Speaker 4: as a friend to friend kind of situation. I think about, like,
7:43
Speaker 4: what is it that you actually want for your life?
7:46
Speaker 1: You know, like not this?
7:47
Speaker 4: Do you want somebody who makes you feel dismissed and
7:50
Speaker 4: that you have to walk on eggshells and makes you
7:52
Speaker 4: feel unsafe in your home environment and also mirrors the
7:56
Speaker 4: behavior that your children are going to grow up with, exactly,
7:59
Speaker 4: because that's the biggest thing, is like your children are
8:01
Speaker 4: going to mirror that behavior and go this behavior that
8:04
Speaker 4: he is doing is okay, and then eventually it's going
8:07
Speaker 4: to be them doing it to somebody else, whether it's
8:10
Speaker 4: at school and they do that same behavior, or they
8:12
Speaker 4: have that hot and cold energy that they pick up
8:14
Speaker 4: from him and then do it to a girlfriend of theirs.
8:16
Speaker 1: How they regulate through alcohol on their phone.
8:18
Speaker 4: Absolutely, And so I think it's just one of those
8:21
Speaker 4: things where women often do this, where we think long term,
8:24
Speaker 4: where we think safety first, and this is one of
8:27
Speaker 4: those moments where you are ultimately deciding the fate of
8:31
Speaker 4: your life and your kid's life too, because what you
8:34
Speaker 4: choose right now is going to determine what your life
8:36
Speaker 4: looks like in five years and ten years and fifteen years.
8:40
Speaker 4: And I can't say that it would be easy to
8:43
Speaker 4: just be like pick up and leave and all of
8:45
Speaker 4: a sudden just wake up one morning and completely feel
8:47
Speaker 4: differently about your relationship because the reality is you're not
8:50
Speaker 4: going to It's going to be hard and challenging, and
8:52
Speaker 4: obviously you're there because you want to be there and
8:54
Speaker 4: you're there for a reason. But also, is this just
8:58
Speaker 4: one of those things where it's like this is a
8:59
Speaker 4: totally underligned value to yours. You guys, are on opposite
9:03
Speaker 4: sides of the spectrum when it comes to this behavior,
9:05
Speaker 4: because it's clear to me that this is not what
9:07
Speaker 4: you want for yourself or behavior that you want a
9:10
Speaker 4: model to your children either. And at the end of
9:12
Speaker 4: the day, like what you said, women choose their suffering,
9:15
Speaker 4: but women choose their suffering because they think the other
9:19
Speaker 4: version is going to be worse, when in actual fact, yeah,
9:22
Speaker 4: it might be worse temporarily, but if we're thinking long term,
9:25
Speaker 4: it's not gonna be worse temporarily.
9:26
Speaker 2: It's gonna be better. You just don't have evidence of
9:28
Speaker 2: that yet.
9:29
Speaker 4: And I think for me, I used to be a drinker,
9:32
Speaker 4: so again, I've never experienced like a partner, a long
9:35
Speaker 4: term partner, being a drinker, but like I used to
9:37
Speaker 4: be one, and when I was around it, I was like,
9:39
Speaker 4: you know what, this is fine, Like partners can drink whatever.
9:41
Speaker 4: Now I haven't had a drink in like over three
9:43
Speaker 4: years and haven't done party drugs and over six and
9:46
Speaker 4: I'm just like, there is no fucking way.
9:48
Speaker 2: There is no way for me.
9:50
Speaker 4: It's like one thing that I realize that I don't
9:53
Speaker 4: want to have to settle on, you know. And there
9:56
Speaker 4: are enough people out there with the value of health,
9:59
Speaker 4: partners men who also believe that like drinking is running
10:04
Speaker 4: or drinking is pressing, or like it's doing them a disservice.
10:07
Speaker 4: If they value health, why are they drinking? If they
10:10
Speaker 4: value taking care of themselves, why are they drinking? Like
10:12
Speaker 4: it's literally poisoning your body. So I think it's just
10:15
Speaker 4: one of those things, like how strong of a value
10:17
Speaker 4: is this for you? And like genuinely sit down and
10:20
Speaker 4: ask yourself, like what outcome do you want in five
10:23
Speaker 4: years time?
10:23
Speaker 1: Yeah? What outcome? Yeah? Literally?
10:26
Speaker 3: And when you think about your kids too. I think
10:28
Speaker 3: she said she's got two sons. Hey, your sons will
10:32
Speaker 3: get in a relationship because they role model not what
10:35
Speaker 3: you say, what you do. Yeah, they will get in
10:36
Speaker 3: a relationship, and how you're being treated by your husband
10:39
Speaker 3: is how they would treat other women. My daughter will
10:42
Speaker 3: go into a relationship and whatever, however, Steve treats me
10:45
Speaker 3: as her normal. We have to set the fucking bar
10:48
Speaker 3: so high as to how you want to be treated,
10:51
Speaker 3: not just for ourselves but for our kids. Yeah, guarantee it.
10:54
Speaker 3: They are picking up on literally everything. I know, we
10:58
Speaker 3: hear that all the time, but it's true. You can't
11:00
Speaker 3: run from that. You can't deny that our children and
11:03
Speaker 3: their life. It's our responsibility up until they're an adult,
11:06
Speaker 3: and they can choose differently. Right now, how we influence
11:08
Speaker 3: them and how we brainwash them, really it's a huge responsibility.
11:13
Speaker 3: But yeah, I just know you would not be happy
11:15
Speaker 3: and nearly any area of your life. And you know
11:17
Speaker 3: when your relationship doesn't feel good, it's so consuming. Oh
11:21
Speaker 3: I'm guessing you're not happy anywhere because you're so plugged
11:23
Speaker 3: into him, and this is making you feel so depressed,
11:26
Speaker 3: so alone, so scared, so disappointed, so angry. They're all
11:31
Speaker 3: very low vibrational feelings that you are feeling every single day.
11:34
Speaker 3: How can you show up and be the best mum?
11:36
Speaker 3: The best friend, happy, excited for life when you're feeling
11:39
Speaker 3: all of that all the time. Yeah, there's no way,
11:42
Speaker 3: and yes he is playing his massive role. But it's
11:44
Speaker 3: your choice now, what you're willing to tolerate, where your
11:47
Speaker 3: boundaries and standards are, and actually honoring what it is
11:49
Speaker 3: that you truly want and desire in a relationship and
11:52
Speaker 3: not even a relationship which is within yourself. Yeah, I
11:54
Speaker 3: guess this is what you want for your life and
11:55
Speaker 3: I know it's not. Yeah, it's like, where do you
11:57
Speaker 3: go from here? The first thing I would do is
11:59
Speaker 3: be opening up, like would you come and see someone
12:01
Speaker 3: with me? And I don't just mean for one time,
12:03
Speaker 3: would you lock into six months where with a couple's
12:05
Speaker 3: counselor if he's absolutely hut, fuck no, that's not for me.
12:09
Speaker 3: If he's like absolutely no, then for me, that's an answer.
12:12
Speaker 3: What I hear from that is I'm not willing.
12:13
Speaker 1: To work on I'm willing.
12:14
Speaker 3: Yeah, this is what you get, take it to leave it.
12:17
Speaker 3: So that's where I would start, and then i'd go
12:19
Speaker 3: from there.
12:19
Speaker 1: Yeah.
12:19
Speaker 2: I think that's great.
12:20
Speaker 4: I think even with the oh fuck off that he
12:23
Speaker 4: screams unwillingness, Oh my god, but you don't know, you
12:26
Speaker 4: might get a different response to him when you bring
12:27
Speaker 4: it in in a really beautiful way if you feel
12:29
Speaker 4: safe to have that conversation. But as well, like you
12:31
Speaker 4: learn very quickly, like where somebody is at in their
12:33
Speaker 4: capacity based on what they show you. Yeah, And I think,
12:36
Speaker 4: like Ashley was saying, you get what you tolerate. And
12:39
Speaker 4: there's almost like this conversation around people being too strict
12:42
Speaker 4: these days and like, oh, if you have too many standards,
12:44
Speaker 4: you're going to be alone forever. And it's just like no,
12:47
Speaker 4: because like, the reason why women and men both struggle
12:51
Speaker 4: with shit relationships is because we tolerate it. But if
12:54
Speaker 4: no one fucking tolerated the shit, everyone would be forced
12:57
Speaker 4: to elevate. And it's just that thing of like again,
13:00
Speaker 4: whilst this doesn't have anything to do with anybody else
13:02
Speaker 4: in your life, raise the bar for what you tolerate. Yeah,
13:05
Speaker 4: because if you were to look at yourself, and I'm
13:08
Speaker 4: talking like put yourself in someone else's shoes and look
13:11
Speaker 4: at yourself as if you were staring at yourself in
13:14
Speaker 4: the face and you're witnessing what you are currently choosing,
13:18
Speaker 4: can you genuinely say that you would be proud for
13:20
Speaker 4: what you're allowing.
13:21
Speaker 2: Are you proud?
13:22
Speaker 1: Yeah?
13:23
Speaker 4: Does that make you feel safe? Doesn't make your kids
13:24
Speaker 4: feel safe? Is that something that you see for yourself
13:27
Speaker 4: in your future? Could you genuinely say that in ten
13:29
Speaker 4: years time when you go through something really hard or
13:31
Speaker 4: the kids go through something really hard, like he's going
13:33
Speaker 4: to be the person to support you.
13:35
Speaker 1: You can't show does that look like to say today?
13:37
Speaker 1: How can you show up for the big things?
13:39
Speaker 2: And like safety is everything to women?
13:41
Speaker 4: If you don't feel safe, like, good luck building a
13:43
Speaker 4: career of your own, good luck being a present parent,
13:45
Speaker 4: good luck raising your children in the way that like
13:47
Speaker 4: you genuinely want you And again take that with a
13:49
Speaker 4: grain of salt. I don't have any children that might
13:51
Speaker 4: go in one ear and out the other to you.
13:53
Speaker 4: But advice, it's just one of those things where like,
13:56
Speaker 4: no one can advocate for the life that you want
13:58
Speaker 4: more than you can.
13:59
Speaker 1: One hundred percent.
14:00
Speaker 3: And let me ask you this too, which we say
14:02
Speaker 3: quite often, But if you're absolute best friend or your
14:05
Speaker 3: or your mom was going through the situation and you're
14:08
Speaker 3: witnessing the relationship from an outside.
14:09
Speaker 1: Perspective, what advice would you give her? Yeah?
14:12
Speaker 3: Would you be saying, oh my gosh, stay, he's such
14:14
Speaker 3: a beautiful man, Like he cares for your heart, he's
14:16
Speaker 3: so considerate, like the way he shows up for.
14:19
Speaker 1: The kids, he's so healthy, Like he is in a.
14:21
Speaker 3: Great stay all the time, you feel so safe, Like
14:23
Speaker 3: do not leave him? Yeah, Like, would you honestly be
14:25
Speaker 3: giving that advice? Definitely not, There's no way you would be. Yeah,
14:29
Speaker 3: you'd be saying, really concerned with his alcoholic behaviors. I'm
14:32
Speaker 3: really concerned with the way he treats the children, and
14:33
Speaker 3: really concerned that you seem so unhappy. Yeah, really concerned
14:36
Speaker 3: that he even swears to you for watching a real
14:39
Speaker 3: like does him have a conversation. Yeah, I'm really concerned
14:41
Speaker 3: that this relationship is not serving you.
14:43
Speaker 1: Yeah, are you happy? That's the kind of things you
14:46
Speaker 1: would ask her.
14:47
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know.
14:48
Speaker 3: Yeah, so thank you for bringing in because it's not easy.
14:50
Speaker 3: I can't even imagine what you're going through. But yeah,
14:53
Speaker 3: as a kid that's been through that for I wish
14:55
Speaker 3: my mum never let him back in.
14:56
Speaker 4: And these are just the things that like we question
15:00
Speaker 4: if we were to have a conversation like this ourselves,
15:02
Speaker 4: like no judgment, there's so shaming has done but there
15:05
Speaker 4: is hard conversation of a realization the things that you
15:09
Speaker 4: may not want to hear and the things that you
15:10
Speaker 4: may not be ready to see yet. But in a
15:13
Speaker 4: safe environment with the right questions, it allows you to
15:16
Speaker 4: reveal what is true for you, because that's what this
15:19
Speaker 4: conversation is about. I believe that's why you're asking is
15:21
Speaker 4: because it's a part of you that's wondering what is
15:24
Speaker 4: out there for me on the other side of this question.
15:27
Speaker 4: And that's part of the reason why we lean towards
15:28
Speaker 4: people who we trust and love and also love us
15:31
Speaker 4: so deeply so we know that they are going to
15:34
Speaker 4: like want the best for us, yes, want us to
15:36
Speaker 4: be happy and want us to make decisions that are
15:38
Speaker 4: going to benefit us because they love us exactly needs
15:40
Speaker 4: to be happy, and we want that for you as well.
15:43
Speaker 3: Definitely, you know one other thing you could do, because
15:45
Speaker 3: what you said just spark something for me. It's like,
15:47
Speaker 3: we could say all this, but you might not be
15:49
Speaker 3: ready to fully hear it. If you're not ready to
15:51
Speaker 3: fully hear it, maybe you're listening you're like, I'm just
15:53
Speaker 3: not ready to leave. Like I totally get that I've
15:55
Speaker 3: got a girlfriend going through something similar the moment she
15:57
Speaker 3: literally says to me, she goes, I know I should leave,
15:59
Speaker 3: and I just can't.
16:00
Speaker 1: I'm not ready. I'm not there yet.
16:02
Speaker 3: And I'm like cool, like wait till you're ready, or
16:04
Speaker 3: just see how things go. And something I said to her,
16:06
Speaker 3: because her partner is also not willing to see someone
16:09
Speaker 3: right now, I said, you go see someone, You go
16:12
Speaker 3: see someone, and you work on your stuff and you
16:14
Speaker 3: have your support. I think just knowing that you're held
16:17
Speaker 3: and supported and can work through how you're feeling, I
16:19
Speaker 3: believe it could help give you the strength to walk
16:21
Speaker 3: away that's what you wanted to do.
16:22
Speaker 4: Oh.
16:22
Speaker 3: I love that you've got that outside perspective and someone
16:25
Speaker 3: else like us coming in and saying this isn't normal.
16:28
Speaker 3: Because when you're in that environment, you normalize, it becomes
16:30
Speaker 3: your normally. Maybe maybe it's not that bad, or maybe Okay,
16:33
Speaker 3: it was good last week, maybe this week will be better. Yeah,
16:36
Speaker 3: and it just you're in this back and forth all
16:37
Speaker 3: the time. But having a coach or a counselor of
16:40
Speaker 3: someone who's just your support system, I think it can
16:42
Speaker 3: give I've heard a lot of women say this gives
16:44
Speaker 3: them the strength to actually make that decision.
16:46
Speaker 4: Makes so much sense because the you're processing what's coming
16:48
Speaker 4: up for you as well, and then you're learning and
16:50
Speaker 4: maybe through that coach you're going to find clarity on what's.
16:52
Speaker 2: True for you.
16:53
Speaker 1: You're not so alone and now you.
16:54
Speaker 4: Aren't what you value, what you want for your life.
16:56
Speaker 4: Maybe all of these answers in your life that feel
16:58
Speaker 4: super unclear right now you're going to be able to
17:00
Speaker 4: reveal and get to the true of you know, and
17:03
Speaker 4: seeing like, Okay, does what I'm choosing right now actually
17:05
Speaker 4: emulate what it is that I want for myself in
17:08
Speaker 4: my life. And if the answer is no, then you
17:10
Speaker 4: get to choose to change it. If the answer is yes,
17:12
Speaker 4: and you get to refine it.
17:13
Speaker 3: I don't know if you're really clear on your values
17:15
Speaker 3: as well, but we've spoken about lots too before.
17:17
Speaker 1: If you're really clear on your.
17:18
Speaker 3: Values, it makes the yes and nose really easy, does
17:20
Speaker 3: because now it's like if something happens and like, oh,
17:22
Speaker 3: do we take this opportunity?
17:24
Speaker 1: Does it align with their values?
17:25
Speaker 4: No?
17:25
Speaker 1: Cool? Easy decision.
17:26
Speaker 3: If someone's behaving in a relationship a certain way, it's like,
17:29
Speaker 3: well does that match up to my values? No?
17:31
Speaker 1: Cool, We're not a match. Yeah, you know, it sounds
17:33
Speaker 1: easier than done, but it makes so decisions so much easier.
17:36
Speaker 1: Was that does?
17:37
Speaker 3: Years and years ago? I didn't really have boundaries. I
17:39
Speaker 3: didn't know what my values were. I was just like, oh, whatever, okay,
17:42
Speaker 3: cool that, I'm sure that'd be all right. It was
17:44
Speaker 3: so like non lump because I just wasn't clear, whereas
17:47
Speaker 3: now it's an absolute fucking no.
17:48
Speaker 1: Yep, you can't even sway me.
17:50
Speaker 2: Try good luck, try.
17:51
Speaker 4: Yeah.
17:52
Speaker 1: I love that.
17:52
Speaker 4: I love that perspective. And something you just said spark
17:55
Speaker 4: something for me. So I was having a conversation with
17:57
Speaker 4: a girlfriend of mine the other night at dinner, just
17:59
Speaker 4: like we're catching up on life, and I brought to
18:01
Speaker 4: her this thing that I felt super indecisive about, and
18:04
Speaker 4: she goes to me, this is something that you said
18:07
Speaker 4: to me that really stuck with me. I now lived
18:09
Speaker 4: my life by She said, you said to me, if
18:12
Speaker 4: it's not a full body fuck yes, it's a no yes.
18:16
Speaker 2: And I was like, goddamn it, why didn't I think
18:19
Speaker 2: of that?
18:19
Speaker 3: Reeah?
18:20
Speaker 4: But like she literally like could use my own words
18:22
Speaker 4: against me and was like, yes, you may be feeling
18:24
Speaker 4: indecisive in this moment, but like, remember what it is
18:27
Speaker 4: that you said that you would live by and it
18:29
Speaker 4: is true, Like I feel like that. When I heard that,
18:31
Speaker 4: I was like, oh my god, this makes so much sense.
18:34
Speaker 4: And this is such an easy decision now because if
18:36
Speaker 4: it's not a full body fuck yes, then it is
18:38
Speaker 4: a no. The confusion that in between area of like
18:42
Speaker 4: ya oh kind of maybe I don't know, or does
18:44
Speaker 4: this feel good? Or it's like it's a great area
18:47
Speaker 4: for a reason, you do know, you're just either scared
18:49
Speaker 4: to look at it, you're scared to make a decision,
18:51
Speaker 4: scared of what you might lose, or for whatever other
18:53
Speaker 4: reason that pops up in between. But it's just such
18:56
Speaker 4: a powerful way for you to quickly and decisively make
18:59
Speaker 4: decisions in your life based on what you say that
19:02
Speaker 4: you value.
19:02
Speaker 3: Yeah, oh, thanks so much sending it in and we
19:06
Speaker 3: I hope this didn't come across harsh.
19:07
Speaker 1: But we're just not going to.
19:09
Speaker 3: Get sugarcoated device here because honest, we wouldn't do that
19:11
Speaker 3: for each other. If one of us brings something in,
19:14
Speaker 3: we'll always check what they need, if they might just
19:16
Speaker 3: need a soundboard, but we know that we're going to
19:18
Speaker 3: get the most honest advice from a pure place of
19:20
Speaker 3: love and care and from knowing that that person deserves
19:24
Speaker 3: more and also as.
19:25
Speaker 4: Well, like we believe that you are capable of having
19:27
Speaker 4: a hard conversation and making hard decisions and making hard
19:29
Speaker 4: decisions and hearing things that are hard to hear, because
19:32
Speaker 4: that's where the growth really is and it is like,
19:34
Speaker 4: how else do you move through decisions like this if
19:36
Speaker 4: you can't handle tho things?
19:37
Speaker 3: Definitely we would love an update. We're also so open
19:40
Speaker 3: our DMS if you ever need someone to talk to.
19:41
Speaker 3: We obviously don't know who you are. Any of our
19:43
Speaker 3: Bessie submissions are completely anonymous, so if you have any
19:47
Speaker 3: submissions you'd like to bring in and want our advice on,
19:49
Speaker 3: just all the details in the description box below. And yeah,
19:52
Speaker 3: we'd love an update with sending you so much love.
19:53
Speaker 1: It's not easy.
19:54
Speaker 4: I really for you.
19:55
Speaker 1: Good luck and do we here if you need absolutely
19:57
Speaker 1: We'll talk to you soon, all right, see you tomorrow.
19:59
Speaker 2: Bye,