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Why Being Patient With An Avoidant Backfires · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:08
  If you're being patient with an avoidance right now, I need you
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  to hear me clearly. Patience is not helping.
• 0:16
  It's actually quietly killing attraction.
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  And if you keep doing this, you will lose them.
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  Not because they're avoidant, but because attraction is not
• 0:27
  going to be able to survive it. Now, a lot of people pride
• 0:30
  themselves on being patient. They think it means that they're
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  mature, emotionally regulated, understanding.
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  And they tell themselves, well, I'm not chasing, I'm doing this
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  the right way. But patience, when it turns into
• 0:43
  passivity, does not preserve attraction.
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  If anything, it actually slowly erodes it.
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  And people believe that patience equals love, that understanding
• 0:55
  keeps the door open, that if they don't pressure someone, the
• 0:59
  avoidant will eventually feel safe enough to come back.
• 1:01
  And that sounds reasonable, right?
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  But attraction doesn't respond to patience.
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  It responds to energy, polarity, and movement.
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  So first, let me define what I'm actually talking about.
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  I'm not talking about staying calm once.
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  I'm not talking about giving someone a day or two of space,
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  and I'm not talking about being emotionally regulated.
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  I'm talking about long term emotional availability without
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  any forward movement. And before we go any further,
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  you need to recognize what that actually looks like.
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  So what that means is people are usually waiting weeks or months
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  for clarity while telling themselves well they just need
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  time. Or responding warmly to bread
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  crumbs with no follow through. Or accepting vague messages like
• 1:59
  I miss you with no change in behavior.
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  Or it can look like staying emotionally available but
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  meanwhile nothing progresses or avoiding real conversations
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  because they don't want to scare the person off.
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  So that's not patience, that's actually self abandonment.
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  So if patience is not the answer, then the question is,
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  well, what does work without chasing, without pressuring, and
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  without playing games? So what actually works is a
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  clean pullback. And a clean pullback looks very
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  different depending on where you are in the dynamic because this
• 2:45
  situation shows up in 2 phases. And by the way, if we have not
• 2:51
  met, my name is Lucia with the Art of love.
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  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
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  you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
• 2:59
  And if you do know me, welcome back my beautiful no contact
• 3:03
  army. OK, so let's talk about the two
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  phases. So Phase 1 is when they've
• 3:09
  already pulled away or broken up with you.
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  So this is, of course, there's been a breakup, or the
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  relationship has been clearly downgraded, communication is
• 3:20
  inconsistent or unclear, and you're no longer moving forward
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  as a couple. So here, patience backfires
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  immediately. They've already started
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  emotionally detaching, and your patience actually removes the
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  last bit of urgency. You think you're keeping the
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  door open and meanwhile they feel free to leave without
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  losing anything. And, and what a clean pullback
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  looks like in phase one is yes, no contact.
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  And it also means that you stop initiating.
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  You stop emotional availability, you stop processing the
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  relationship with them. You stop responding to
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  responding to bread crumbs. You accept the reality of the
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  breakup. And anything else in this phase
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  is not a pullback, It's lingering attachment.
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  Now there's also phase two, and this is when you're still
• 4:15
  dating. And this is where also people
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  get confused because a clean pullback here doesn't mean that
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  you don't disappear. It doesn't mean no contact and
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  it doesn't mean never initiating again.
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  So you know, instead of thinking, well, I just won't
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  initiate anymore or I'll wait and see if they chase, I'll be
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  distant and see if they feel it. That's not a clean pullback.
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  That's still chasing. OK, You're just being quieter.
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  So what it actually looks like, first of all, the clean pullback
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  has to be internal first. So if something shifts inside
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  you and then external so you don't pull away, but you pull
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  back your over investment. So you stop initiating extra
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  contact in order to maintain closeness.
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  You stop escalating emotionally when they aren't.
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  You stop compensating for their lack of effort.
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  Basically you stop carrying the emotional weight of the
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  connection. But you still respond when they
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  reach out. You still engage warmly when
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  they engage, and you initiate when it feels natural, not when
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  you're anxious. So you're present, but you're no
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  longer propping up the relationship, so it's neutral.
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  You want to be neutral, You want to be Switzerland.
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  Now, avoiding partners don't experience closeness the way
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  that anxious partners do. They need a certain amount of
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  contrast and polarity, but when you're endlessly patient, so
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  you're always understanding, always available, they do not
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  feel drawn closer. They actually feel relieved.
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  However, relief is not attraction.
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  And by the way, if you're listening to this and you're
• 6:07
  realizing, Oh my God, I'm doing all of this or some of this,
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  then that is exactly what I work through with people in my
• 6:13
  coaching. And you can find the link to
• 6:15
  that underneath every single video and podcast.
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  And that is the art of love.net/coaching.
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  And we will send you the rates when you reach out because they
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  are not on the website. So I look forward to connecting
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  with some of you, if not all of you.
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  OK, so you want to stop accepting half access?
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  You want to stop keeping the connection alive by yourself?
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  You want to stop rewarding vagueness with emotional
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  availability availability, and you want to stop waiting when
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  there's no movement. Because attraction doesn't just
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  disappear dramatically, it fades quietly while you're being quote
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  UN quote understanding. So what works isn't pressure, it
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  isn't patience. As I said, it's the clean
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  pullback. And it's not to manipulate, it's
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  not to punish, but it's to restore polarity and self
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  respect. So you stop over explaining, you
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  stop hovering, you allow space to do what patients never can.
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  And that is to force clarity. And by the way, if you're not
• 7:26
  ready for coaching, but you know you need some support to stay
• 7:30
  grounded and not to slip back into your evil ways, then I have
• 7:35
  my app Silencio to help you stay in no contact.
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  And the link to that is underneath every single video
• 7:40
  and podcast. And I also have my book No
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  Contact Secrets, and of course, the link to that is underneath
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  every single video and podcast, No Contact secrets.com OK, so I
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  know that if you're the type of person who's loyal and
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  thoughtful and emotionally aware that hearing this is
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  uncomfortable, but attraction does not respond to how much you
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  understand someone. Think about it.
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  There have been people, I'm sure in the past who understood you,
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  but does that mean that you were automatically attracted to them?
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  No, probably not. So attraction responds to what
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  you tolerate and what you're willing to withdraw from.
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  It responds to self respect. So if you've been patient hoping
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  they'd come back, then you might want to revisit that and rethink
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  that. Because being patient with an
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  avoidant doesn't save the connection.
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  It either speeds up the exit or it keeps you stuck in the same
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  loop hoping that something changes.
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  OK, so now I want to hear from you.
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  How long have you been in No Contact and how is it going?
• 8:55
  And be sure to subscribe you don't miss out on future videos
• 8:59
  and future episodes. And remember, love inspires,
• 9:04
  empowers, uplifts and enlightens.