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50: Why One Trigger Can Make Your Whole Life Feel Wrong · (re)Parenting Radio

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reparenting Radio.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Lisa Watson, architect of human transformation.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is a space for leaders, parents, and anyone ready to break old patterns, regulate their nervous system, and show up in their life with clarity and self-trust.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready to change the way you lead, love, and live, you're in the right place.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let's begin.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back to Reparenting Radio.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Today I have a story for you.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've listened to this podcast for a while, you know I don't tell stories nearly as often as I probably should or actually would like to.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe this is the beginning.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: But this week, oh my gosh, life handed me a story, and apparently life decided that subtly wasn't necessary because the lesson, it arrived in the form of three enormous jet-black German shepherds.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so excited to tell you this story.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Here we go.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, I'm currently pet sitting.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I use trusted house sitters to pet sit, and um so I took on this pet sitting opportunity because I actually needed a place to stay because I had to vacate my house for a couple of weeks.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And this pet sitting gig on pet sitters lined up just perfectly from where it's in the town I live in, it was the exact dates I needed, and so I was super excited about it.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: The gentleman that I'm pet sitting for, he is traveling internationally for 18 days, and he has three dogs.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Three large black German shepherds.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Only 6% of German shepherds are all black.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: So he's got three of them.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: The oldest is Sahara, and she's nine.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, Sahara could not be less interested in creating drama.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: She's just chill.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't need to be crated when I leave.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: She hangs out by the front door and she's basically just watching what's happening, and generally she seems to have decided that after nine years on this planet, very little Laurence getting worked up about.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: So she doesn't.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: She likes to eat and she likes pets.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: She likes lots of petting.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's Ozzie.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Ozzie is only about 18 months old, but he's already a massive German shepherd.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Except Ozzie apparently hasn't received the memo that he's massive because he's a puppy.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: He's giant, goofy, affectionate.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: He wants love.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: He jumps up on my shoulders.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then yeah, but he's he's good.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: He's funny.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Then there's Jaina, and that's what this story is about.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Jaina.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Jaina's five.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And from the very first night, I knew Jaina was going to be different.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I did go over to the house before I pet sat to visit the house and visit the dogs and the owner.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I got a little bit of history about them, but not very much.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the owner, he said he's never put this up on house sitters before.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm the very first person to ever do this for him, stay in his house and take care of his three dogs.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: So he wasn't sure, you know, exactly what to tell and what not to tell.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't necessarily know all the questions to ask either.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: But when I did meet them, they were all pretty good.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: We were kind of outside on a patio.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: But Jaina, he mentioned that Jaina uh needed to get to know people, like she was harder to get to know.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And she kind of rubbed up against me, and he's like, Wow, it, but it seems like she's already starting to like you.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: She usually doesn't warm up to people that quickly.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, That's a great sign.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that's pretty much all he told me about Jaina.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Jana's five.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And from the very first night, I just I knew it was gonna be different.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: When I arrived at the house, they were crated, Jaina and Ozzie, they're in separate crates in the dining room.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: And Sahara, she's allowed to not be in a crate, and she was just sleeping by the front door when I walked in.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And when I walked in, Jaina was simply barking at me.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: But I need you to actually picture this because it matters to what happened later.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Here's this large jet black German Shepherd inside her crate, barking, and not just regular barking, like ferociously growling, showing those very large white German shepherd teeth that she has against the black fur.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to open the crate.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I have to go over and open the crate.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know her that well.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what her growl really means.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know her history, and I don't know what she's gonna do when the door opens.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm opening it with a lot of just faith and trust.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if she's warning me, I don't know if she's scared or territorial.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm assuming she's not gonna bite my hand off, but I'm not positive.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: All I know is that I have to put my hands right next to this dog's face and unlock the crate.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And because apparently I needed one more ingredient for this delightful nervous system experiment that I was having.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: I was using the wrong door on the crate.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: The crate has two sides, and I was opening the same side of Jaina's crate that I was opening of Ozzie's crate.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm including pictures here for the YouTube version of this podcast.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if you'd like to see the pictures, you can pop on over to YouTube, and it will make the story a little bit more interesting, I guess.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I was using the wrong side of the door.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: The latch on the side that I was trying to open, it just kept getting stuck.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm crouched down, I'm trying to push this stupid latch, and I had already let Ozzy out of his cage, and Ozzy's this m, he's the biggest of the three of them, the youngest and the biggest, and he's jumping on me, licking me, just wanting to play, and I'm getting really frustrated, and Jaina is barking like ferociously.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: She's getting more activated.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: She starts growling.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I like I pull my hands away now because I'm afraid and I don't want her to bite me.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so I walk away.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: I let Ozzie and Sahara outside, and I go into the kitchen, and I'm like, I'm just gonna let her calm down.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Then I'll try to go back over and I wait and I try again.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: More barking, more teeth, more growling.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting activated just telling this story.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because what happened really was traumatic for me, and I'm getting to that part.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So honestly, it was just a scene of terror every time I had to open that damn crate.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then once she was out, she was mostly fine, which made the whole thing even more confusing because now I'm thinking, okay, who are you?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And which version of you am I getting next time?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd also been told that Jaina could become reactive when people come down the stairs, that she would bark.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: In a text somebody had mentioned that sometimes when Samia, the girlfriend, comes down the stairs, and Jaina's not in her crate, she'll really bark at her on the stairs.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And the owner said sometimes uh Samia gives her treats to help calm her down.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm thinking, well, I'm not gonna give her a treat in her crate to calm her down.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want her to think that it's okay to bark at me like this.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: She needs to calm down before I'm gonna open the crate.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I always waited till she just stopped growling and I let her bark, but I would open the crate.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, the stairs, it's it's it's important.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I knew the stairs were a thing.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: What I didn't know was how much of a thing.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: So a couple of nights go by into the pet sit.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's probably like seven or eight o'clock at night.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I have the back door open.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: This house is a townhouse, it's a two-story townhouse, it's not super big.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Living room, dining room, combination sort of kitchen on the main floor, and then a back patio off of the dining room that they close to the crates, they can run in and out.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: So the back door is open to the patio.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: I've I'm working from home.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: All three dogs are just kind of running in and out into the patio, roaming around, going in and out and playing, and everything's fine.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: And at some point, I went upstairs to my bedroom to get something, and the dogs were kind of running around.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then at some point, Ozzie and Jane were kind of like running halfway up the stairs and sort of playing with each other, and they're running back and forth on the stairs, and then I decide I'm gonna go downstairs now.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I start to walk down the stairs, and the stairs are the kind that like a split level where they go down, drop to a landing, turn, and go down the other way.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I started walking down the stairs, and as I reach the landing, it turn it turns, right?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then it continues to the main floor.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: But as I'm coming down that first section towards the landing, Ozzie and Jaina were there.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: They were like, they had been running back and forth.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: So they were there, they weren't there.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: They were there, you know, and they were barking and playing and whatever.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: But when I get to the landing, halfway down the stairs, they're both there.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: And Jaina sees me, and something changes in her, and she starts barking and growling.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: And this wasn't like just a little bit, like, hey, I don't like that.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: This was ferocious.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was terrified, and suddenly, I mean, it just hit me like I don't know this dog, I don't know how serious this bark is.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: If I keep walking down the stairs, is she gonna bite me?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, after seeing her behavior in the crate and how ferocious that bark is and how big those teeth are, like, I was genuinely terrified.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's coming back for me now.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I had already spent two days putting my hands near this dog's crate while she was showing her teeth and growling at me.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't know her well enough to know whether this is noise or whether she's gonna bite me.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I do what many of us do when we're terrified and trying desperately not to look terrified, because that's the worst thing you can do around an animal.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I just start pretending everything's fine.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Everything's totally fine.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking to her, trying to sound relaxed, trying to keep my body calm.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, my nervous system is basically screaming, we have a situation here.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I decided I wasn't gonna continue down the stairs with her there.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I turn around and I thought, I'll just go back upstairs and I'll just wait until she moves or runs outside, and then I'll come down later.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Except she followed me.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: She followed me barking and growling, like pushing me up the stairs.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm like backing up now towards my bedroom door, and she's just coming at me, and I back up into my door and I slam the door like in her face and I lock it.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm thinking, oh my god, what the fuck just happened?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And how am I gonna get out of this room?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was safe.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: There was a door between us, and nothing physically happened to me.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't bite me, but my body, it didn't care about any of that.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: My nervous system was completely shot.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: The story became much bigger for me than what happened with this dog because I recognized that feeling.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't felt that frightened, that cornered, that bullied, that uncertain about my physical safety in a very long time.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: 2014 to be exact.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: And it brought up a body sensation that I recognized from an earlier chapter in my life.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I I wasn't sitting there consciously thinking about the past.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just mean that my body knew this feeling.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that's important because our nervous systems can recognize something long before our conscious mind can make sense of it.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: A tone, a look, a sound, someone approaching us aggressively, feeling trapped, feeling like we don't know what another person, or in this case, an animal, is gonna do next.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly the body's like, oh, I know this.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what a trigger, you know, actually is it's information.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Something in the present has activated an association response or protective pattern that our nervous system already knows.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the present situation really does require us to protect ourselves, and that's important because nervous system regulation isn't about convincing ourselves that everything is safe.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes everything isn't safe.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we don't have enough information to know whether we're safe.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Regulation is about becoming grounded enough to accurately assess what is safe, what isn't, and what don't I know yet.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And what do I need to do to take care of myself?
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that night, what I needed was a closed bedroom door.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what I gave myself, at least for a few minutes.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: I had to come out of that bedroom though, and that took a lot of courage.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I just peeked over the side of the wall, like in between the two stairs, and watched for her to go out onto the patio and get far enough from away from the patio door that I had time to get down to the bottom of the stairs into the kitchen before she saw me on the stairs.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because I did understand the stairs were the trigger.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: I did have enough information from Samia to know that I think it's the stairs that are triggering her.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I just have to get down them.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I was able to do.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: And when I did get down to the bottom of the stairs without her seeing me, and she came running in, everything was fine.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: She just did not growl or bark at me again.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: So that was very a good end to a night, but it wasn't the end of it for my nervous system.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was physically safe.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Jaina was downstairs, I was downstairs.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: The immediate threat was gone.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: But again, my nervous system didn't get the memo.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: And over the next day or two, I noticed something happening to me.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: My thoughts started getting dark.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: And strangely, they weren't really about Jaina.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly I was thinking about my business.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: And there was a connection to that.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I shouldn't have to be house sitting, I should be in an Airbnb with no dogs and not having to trade, watching dogs and pet sitting and saving money.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that just spiraled into me thinking about my business.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: I should be making more money.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't I have my shit together more the last 10 years?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: What I've been doing with my life from Mexico to divorce to marriage to literally everything was popping into my head.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Life is exhausting.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Everything feels difficult.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I still dealing with this?
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually I came to the conclusion that everything just sucks and I suck at life.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Which is fascinating when you think about it, because 24 hours earlier, my business was not a disaster.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: My finances, you know, they hadn't dramatically changed, life hadn't fundamentally changed, and my goals hadn't changed, my relationship hadn't changed.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: A dog scared the living shit out of me.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: That is really the only thing that changed.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: But my body was still broadcasting.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Something is wrong.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: And my mind started searching for evidence.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is something I think we dramatically underestimate about nervous system dysregulation.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's something I've been paying close attention to with myself when I find my thoughts start catastrophizing and I can't regulate myself.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: I've realized that it was a trigger of something else that then caused me to not be able to hold on to regulated thoughts.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because when the body is overwhelmed, our perception can change with it.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: The nervous system is basically saying, you know, something's wrong.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: And the brain says, Don't worry, I'll figure out what it is.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: And the brain is very good at finding evidence.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly every unfinished goal matters, every uncertainty feels bigger, every disappointment seems to join in on the conversation.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: And apparently, when my nervous system calls an emergency staff meeting, everyone gets invited, including my neighbor Karen, who hasn't had anything useful to say since 2007.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: And you know Karen, she's not staying in her lane.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you're dysregulated, your inner Karen starts filing complaints about departments that weren't even involved in the original incident.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Something happens in one area of your life, and suddenly your brain is reviewing your finances, your relationship, your career, your body, that decision you made six years ago, and whether you've accomplished enough with your life.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: And this week I was able to recognize something that I didn't think I would have recognized nearly as quickly years ago.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: None of those things necessarily changed.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Only my nervous system did.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: And once I could see that, I didn't have to believe every thought.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: My thoughts were giving me information, but they weren't necessarily giving me instructions.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't need to solve my business problems or make any major life changes or decisions.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't need to figure out the last 10 years or determine really what I've been doing or where I went wrong.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: None of that was needed.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: I needed to help my body feel safe again.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the line I want you to remember from this podcast episode.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: When everything suddenly feels wrong, check your nervous system before you check your life.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because your life, it might need some changes.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, all of ours certainly do, right?
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: A little bit here and there.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: But evaluate those things when you're regulated, not when your nervous system is standing in the middle of a room pulling the fire alarm.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: And definitely not while Karen is running the meeting.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is where the story starts to change because I contacted the owner and I told him what happened.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: And his girlfriend, Samiya, she came over, and one of the first things she did when she got there was hug me.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: Just such a simple thing.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: But I could feel what it did to my body, and I'm gonna cry now thinking about it.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: I had picked up the phone and called my kids.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: I had called my husband.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was talking to people, but human connection, someone validating you is priceless, honestly.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: And she understood me.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: She said that Jane has made her cry too, and that she's barked and growled at her like that on the stairs, and that it is really, really scary.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so I felt seen and I felt heard.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that hug did more for me than any of the other regulation techniques that I had worked on.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: I felt really grateful.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: And nobody told me that I was overreacting.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: The owner was deeply apologetic and grateful that I didn't abandon the job.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody told me that Jaina was harmless, that I was being ridiculous.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody asked me to override what my body had experienced.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: They understood.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that alone helped so much.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then Samiya started telling me more about the dogs, things that I hadn't known before.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: She told me that Sahara came first, and then Jaina, and more recently, they got Ozzie.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: And apparently Jaina had changed somewhat after Ozzie came into the family.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: And now suddenly I had context.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: Here's this five-year-old dog whose environment changed when this enormous energetic puppy arrived.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: His crate got positioned directly in front of hers.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I also learned more about Jaina's sensitivity around the stairs and that there had been interactions there in the past that may have contributed to that area becoming activated for her.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: A child was doing something annoying to her there.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so clearly it was a trigger.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: I also learned that she had been attacked by coyotes when she was a puppy.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: So clearly, she's got some post-traumatic stress.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: Just like me.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: So receiving this new information, it allowed me to not only just see this dog that was terrifying me, I was able to see her behavior, her patterns, her triggers.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to see her as another nervous system.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: And because this is what I do for a living, my curiosity started coming back online.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of only asking, why is Jaina doing this to me?
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: I started asking, what's happening for Jaina?
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: And how can I learn and grow from this?
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: And those questions changed everything.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: And not because I suddenly knew she wouldn't bite me.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: And certainly not because I decided I should ignore my own fear.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: It just simply gave me more information.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: And more information gives us more choices, more options.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was opening the more difficult side of the cage.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't even know it opened from the side that I was trying to open it from, probably because it was essentially broken.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: It was really, really hard to open.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: It was so frustrating.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I changed doors to the front door, which I didn't even realize there was one.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: And immediately things got better because there was less fumbling and less frustration for me and less time with my hands near the teeth.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I noticed that Jaina was less activated.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then I realized something else.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: I had been letting Ozzy out first, which made sense to me because Ozzy was easy.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: Open the crate, giant happy puppy comes bouncing out, boop-pa-doop-ba-doo, done.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: Then I deal with Jaina.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I started noticing that when Ozzie was loose while Jaina was still confined, she seemed more stressed.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I changed the order.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now I walk directly over to Jaina.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm calmer because I know how the latch works and I know what to expect.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that she may bark.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't have the same fear response to the barking as I did before.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because, first of all, I'm not stressed about the latch.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: It just boom, easy to open.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: It actually, the door, I have it so it opens toward me, and she's on the other side of it.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: So she's not coming at me when I open the door, and I have a chair actually right there in front of me, too.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um so when I open it, she just can like run right around the table, and then I can let Ozzie out.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: And things are just so much better.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: So much better.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: And they're getting better and better every day.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't change Jaina, I just changed the conditions surrounding her behavior.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that observation, it hit me hard because we do this with human beings all the time.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: We see a behavior we don't like and we immediately focus on changing the behavior.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a child is melting down, a partner is becoming defensive, or an employee shuts down?
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe someone becomes reactive and we ask, how do I stop you from acting this way?
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: But what if we first ask, what happened immediately before this behavior started?
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: What's happening in the environment?
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: What's happening in the relationship?
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: What's happening inside the nervous system?
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: What might this behavior be protecting?
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's the heart of so much of this work.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: Behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: I've been doing these one minute of awarenesses on social media since the end of June every day, and they're about behavior, and they're about patterns.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because once we understand the patterns surrounding the behavior, we often discover places where something can change.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: But understanding behavior does not mean tolerating behavior that makes you feel unsafe.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where I noticed another change in myself.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: I told Samiya, I will take Ozzy's for walks.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: I hadn't taken any of the dogs for a walk yet.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was literally just like trying to get used to the whole crate and barking and trauma thing that was happening to me, and I hadn't even taken them for a walk yet, which I was told was not actually that necessary because Jaina and Sarah were breeding dogs for these black German shepherds.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so because they did that for most of their life, they're not used to going on walks, I guess, or they don't even play catch and stuff, so it's not that big of a deal.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: And they do have a nice big patio that they're allowed to be outside all the time, so they get plenty of exercise running around in the yard.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: But I knew I wanted to take them for a walk because I mean I still think dogs should go for a walk.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I told Samiya, I'll take Ozzy for walks.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: I feel comfortable with him, but I will not take Jaina.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know her well enough.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how she'll respond to strangers, children, other dogs, or unexpected situations or triggers that I don't know about outside the house.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't feel comfortable being responsible for a large German shepherd in an environment that I can't control.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I just said, I need you to arrange for a dog walker for Jaina.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I really noticed this in me because I've spent a lifetime being a people pleaser, codependent, um, thinking that I was responsible for everything and had to be the strong one.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: So many, so many patterns I have got to practice unwinding so I can bring all these truths to you.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't feel guilty.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't spend any time wondering whether they thought I was being difficult.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't tell myself, you know, Lisa, you agreed to watch these dogs and you should be able to handle it.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't need to prove anything to anybody.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: I could have compassion for Jaina and still have a boundary.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that felt really important to me and like real growth.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because the old me probably wouldn't even have told the owner.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: I would have just sort of sucked it up and tried to figure it out myself.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: But understanding why someone behaves the way they do can create compassion.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't require you to abandon yourself in order to accommodate them.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's true with dogs, it's true with children, it's true with parents, it's true with partners, it's true essentially in every relationship that we have.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I can understand that your childhood made conflict difficult for you and still refuse to let you scream at me.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: I can understand that abandonment created fear in you and still have boundaries around controlling behavior.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: I can understand that someone is dysregulated without allowing their dysregulation to become mine.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: Compassion and boundaries can exist in the same room.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that may be one of the biggest things Jaina reminded me of this week.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_00: And also my son Tony, he helped me.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: I called him and he helped me see something that I that was very helpful.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: He reminded me that he has a dog, Oakley, who's a ridgeback.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: And they live, my son lives in Phoenix.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: I live in California, and I've gone to visit him many times.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: And Oakley will growl and bark.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: And Tony reminded me that he has a roommate, and that Oakley will sometimes run right to his roommate's door and growl and bark at him.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: And this roommate's lived with him for nearly two years and takes care of him, feeds him, you know, does all the things.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I remembered that when I've been there visiting, Oakley has done that to me.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't give it much thought when he did.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was kind of like, why are you in a mood, Oakley?
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: But it never scared me because I knew this dog.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: I knew this dog wasn't a biter.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that he has a little anxiety, and that's just kind of his personality.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that about Jaina when she was barking at me and growling at me on the stairs or from in the crate.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: So uncertainty itself became part of the threat.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: And as I got to know Jaina, something started to change.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: She still barks in her crate.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: She hasn't transformed into a golden retriever exactly.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm not afraid of her the way that I was.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: I understand more.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: I approach her differently.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm calmer.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: I respect the situations that seem to activate her.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't put either of us unnecessarily into those situations.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't go up the stairs when she's not in her crate or outside.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: I simply don't do it.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's not hard to get her in her crate, and if I need to go to my room, she just goes outside or in the crate.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so I've changed how I interact with her.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that's changed our relationship.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_00: Which brings me to one of the deeper reflections that I've had about this entire experience.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: Here I am, living temporarily in a house with three enormous German shepherds, three animals that we culturally associate with protection.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: And there was something almost comical about realizing that I'm surrounded by protectors.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yet one of the protectors initially made me feel unsafe.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I couldn't help noticing the symbolism, because that's just the way my brain works.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because there have been times in my life when safety felt like that.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: Pretty much most of my life, up until the age of 47.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: Safe but still scanning, loved but still bracing, protected but waiting for something to change.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I found myself wondering how familiar is that combination to my nervous system?
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: When life presents me with an experience this powerful, I've learned to ask, how can I learn and grow from this?
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't ask that question while Jana was chasing me up the stairs, though.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't standing there thinking, thank you for this beautiful growth opportunity.
• 34:41
  unknown: No.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to get my ass behind the door.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's a time for safety, there's a time for regulation, there's a time for support.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then when the nervous system has settled enough, there can be time for meaning.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's very different from spiritually bypassing.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't need to pretend I wasn't frightened.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't need to decide everything happened for a reason.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't need to immediately turn fear into gratitude.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: First, I acknowledged what happened.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: Then I received support.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: Then I created more safety.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: Then I changed what needed to change.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: I established boundaries.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_00: And only after that did I become curious.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I mean when I talk about closing the loop.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: We don't deny the experience.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: We don't stay inside the experience forever either.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_00: We allow it to move.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_00: We let our nervous system complete what it needs to complete.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: We learn, we adjust, and eventually we stop allowing that moment to write the rest of our story.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_00: I could have left this experience saying I was traumatized by a dog.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: And technically, I did feel traumatized.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_00: My nervous system was overwhelmed.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't want that to become my story.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_00: The story that I want to carry forward is something scared me.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_00: I listened to my body.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: I protected myself.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_00: I accepted support.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: I set boundaries.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_00: I became curious.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: I learned more.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_00: I changed the environment.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_00: I developed compassion.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I stayed connected to myself through the process.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe that that's what real-time healing actually looks like.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_00: Not that you never get triggered or that you're never afraid anymore.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_00: And definitely not becoming so spiritually evolved that nothing affects you.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: But recognizing more quickly what is happening inside of you and responding differently.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: And refusing to abandon yourself in the process.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because what you practice next becomes your next pattern.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: So if something happens this week and suddenly your entire life seems wrong, before you quit your job or end your relationship or move to another country, delete your business, or decide that the last decade of your life has become a complete disaster, which is where my head was, check your nervous system and ask, what happened immediately before I started feeling this way?
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_00: What does my body need right now?
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_00: What is actually unsafe and what simply feels familiar?
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_00: What boundary would create more safety for me?
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then when you're ready, you can ask, how can I learn and grow from this?
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have to force the answer.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the learning needs a little space before it arrives.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_00: Minded.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_00: And today, eight days into living with Sahara, Ozzie, and Jaina, things definitely feel different.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: Sahara's still completely unbothered and chill.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_00: And Jaina, she's still Jaina.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_00: But now I know her a little better.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, as of like last night, I let I leave Ozzie in the crate, I open the door to the back patio, and then as I'm going over to her crate, I'm like, hey Jaina, you want to go out?
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_00: You want to go out?
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_00: And she might be barking ferociously.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: But when I get over to the crate, because I'm so relaxed, I'm like, she just wants to get out.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_00: I actually heard her whimper today rather than growl.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, yeah, I want to get out, I want to get out.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_00: And now I see that all that scary, nasty.
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's like when your child says, I hear this a lot too from parents recently, most like a lot.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why, but parents that I that I'm coaching, like these young children are saying, like, I hate you, I wish you would die.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_00: They say like the meanest things, and and I'm always telling parents, they're just dysregulated.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_00: They're trying to use the only words they know to describe to you that they don't feel right right now.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's what Jaina was doing.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe she's scared when she's in her crate and things are going on on the stairs.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe she doesn't feel safe.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe she remembers being eaten by a coyote.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_00: But nothing about what happened needed to disappear for something new to become possible between us.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's beautiful.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because maybe healing isn't erasing what happened.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's just changing what happens next.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: At least it's working for me.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it'll work for you too.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for spending time with me, listening to my story, and thank you to Sahara, Ozzy, and Jaina for providing the material for this episode number 50.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't have done it without them.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_00: I could have done with a slightly less terrifying teaching method, but apparently subtlety wasn't on the curriculum this week.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we get exactly what we need, even if it is challenging.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend or share it with someone whose inner Karen has been filing complaints in departments that she has absolutely no business visiting.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_00: And until next week, keep getting curious.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_00: Keep becoming aware.
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, you're not broken.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're patterned.
• 41:23
  SPEAKER_00: And patterns, they can be changed.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Reparenting Radio.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_00: If today's conversation supported you, take a moment to subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who knows they were made for more than the patterns that they inherited.
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready for serious inner work and real transformation, personally or professionally, you can explore my leadership pathways at Lisa-Watson.com.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're raising little ones alongside your own healing, you'll find my children's books at awakentheone.org.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay grounded, stay open, and keep reparenting the parts of you that are ready to come home to their authenticity.