Latest / RHYTHMS OF REST℠ Leadership Podcast / Episode 6: Why You Feel Exhausted After a "Day Off" (And What Actually Replenishes You)
Transcript
- Kent Murawski: You don't need balance. You need the right rhythms and much like a heart where all four chambers must work together. Real success depends on four key rhythms working together in harmony, relational, emotional, spiritual, and tangible rhythms. I'm your host Kent Mirosky and welcome to the rhythms of rest leadership podcast where we build rhythms for sustainable success. The kind that doesn't cost you your sanity. Before we dive in today, If you're achieving by every metric and you still feel like something's off, out of alignment, the rhythms of rest assessment will show you exactly where your rhythms are breaking down and where you are on the burnout scale. In less than five minutes, you'll have some real clarity. Just go to KentMoroski.com forward slash assessment. Let's go. Also, if you have time, just leave me, would you just take a minute or two and leave me a review? on Apple iTunes, it just helps get the visibility visibility of the podcast out and I'd greatly appreciate it. ⁓ If you would do that, if you'd take a minute to do that. So, well, I've got my cup of coffee, I'm ready to go to my New York City Cup. ⁓ It's good to be with you today. Thanks for allowing me the space in your day, whether I'm in your earbuds, whether you're watching on YouTube, however you're tuning in today. I just want to thank you for taking the time to listen. Well, let me start with a story. It was a recent day off in the past month or so, and I was supposed to be resting. But that morning I broke my own rule. I opened my laptop and I started working on a new project and it was on a Saturday morning. Now what was driving this really where it was coming from was fear and anxiety. Can anybody relate to that? ⁓ Earlier that week. I found out, ⁓ one of my long-term coaching clients was going to be wrapping up in the next month and I didn't have someone to replace them. didn't have anybody in the pipeline and still, and still don't at this point. But as you know, when we do things out of fear and anxiety, it rarely produces anything good. You know, that morning I was focused on the fear and the anxiety, which is why I opened my laptop, which is why I started working on a project. ⁓ and when I'm paying attention, I can always feel fearing fear and anxiety because what happens is my chest begins to constrict. ⁓ I start taking fewer breaths, shallower breaths. and I just can feel it kind of creeping into my chest, just this tightness. What's the tape playing in my head at those moments? It's you've got to do something now. Now what you need to understand about me, you might be in a different place is that I'm a doer. I default to doing. So at times, ⁓ you know, you never have to ask me to do what you have to ask me to do is sit still or reflect or think about it a different way. And not immediately jump to a solution because what I've done in the past is when I've gotten in this place, I'll immediately jump to solutions. And I'm not saying solutions thinking's bad. think it's good thinking, but I'd immediately put a ton of energy into some new initiative only to find out a month or two later that it had absolutely not moved the needle at all. And so I put in tons of energy and got zero results. Have you ever been there? Well, what we don't realize is that rest, not in the sense of sitting still, but doing activities that replenish us, replenish us. They, often releases clarity. It's why you can be doing something completely unrelated to work, taking a walk, playing golf, running, singing in the shower, and you have that eureka moment. in, ⁓ in brain science terms, it's called the default mode network. It's when you're doing something that, ⁓ you don't have to think about much. It doesn't require zero thought, but you don't have to think much. And your brain is able to kind of mull over things and focus on other things. And often you come up with those moments of clarity. Well, that morning I caught myself. worked on that project for a little bit and I closed up the laptop and it was fine. didn't, you know, I didn't, ⁓ you know, beat myself up about it, but instead, ⁓ I decided to do something with my hands. I decided to propagate a few new plants. Now to be fair I've killed my fair share of plants Like the time I tried to trim the roots of a plant like you would trim somebody's hair and that really didn't pan out so well the the plant Shrank and I had to nurse it back to life and it's still not the same ⁓ I've tried gardening that didn't go very well either. I live in a subdivision HOA. So we're not we're not in we're not allowed to have a garden here and funny story My son and I, well, I, he's 13. I decided to rent a garden plot in the local town where I live. And, ⁓ it, and it was an annual garden plot. So you had to like build the fence around it. They had perennial ones too, where the fence could stay up. in ours, we had to build it around this 20 by 20 plot. took us two Saturdays, much to my son's chagrin. And then we were going on a cruise for my mom's 80th birthday. And when we came back seven or eight days later, whatever it was, we went back to the garden plot and it was overgrown with weeds and we just abandoned the whole project. We're like, we can't, not only now did we have to build this dog on fence, but now we've got to, now we've got to pluck a foot and a half of weeds and then we haven't even got to planting yet. So all that to say, ⁓ I haven't, I I've had my fair share of failures with plant life and garden life. ⁓ but plants I've done better with I've become somewhat of a plant dad and I take care of the plants around the house. So why did propagating plants give me rest that day? Well, because I work with my mind most days like many of you coaching, writing, speaking, doing leadership. All of them at times can feel nebulous and intangible, but soil in your hands, know, roots taking hold, know, quiets the noise. And the way, ⁓ you know, the noise of your mind in a way that, ⁓ in a way that other things can't. So if you're, you know, you get to see immediate results, you get to see tangible results, it's less cerebral, but the truth is propagating those plants didn't solve the problem of, you know, that I was having fear and anxiety about, but it did give my mind rest, which is exactly what I needed in that moment. Rabbi and philosopher Abraham Joshua Heschel said this. He said, if you work with your mind, rest with your hands. If you work with your hands, rest with your mind. He used the term Sabbath, which means to stop, which also can be translated rest. Most, most leaders believe that rest equals inactivity. And I want to just tell you flat out, that's a lie. Rest is actually many times, not all times, but many times active replenishment. It's doing the opposite of the thing that drains you all week. And even if you love your work, I'm not saying a bad draining, but you know, by the end of the week, my brain is sort of a mental mush and I need some rest, even regardless of the fact that I love what I do. Here's the hard truth. Doing nothing is not restful. for high capacity leaders and it can actually create more anxiety. What are my go-tos? Well, I like to hike. I like walking. I take multiple walks a day. I like potting plants. I like having sex with my wife. I like organizing the garage. I like reading fiction and poetry and biographies on my day of rest rather than leadership and business and personal growth books. Those things are restful for me. What about you? You know, I remember hearing about one leader who rests the way he rests is by he got his flying license and he does jujitsu. See rest is active replenishment. It's doing things differently from what you do all week that lets your brain and your mind rest in different ways or your body rest in different ways. Your brain needs the opposite of what it does all day. Now, This newsletter, this podcast sits, this particular episode, should say, sits at the intersection of two of four of the core rhythms and understanding how they work together is the whole point. Remember I shared at the beginning, rhythms of rest is relational rhythms, emotional rhythms, spiritual rhythms, which could be faith or a philosophy of life. And then tangible rhythms, your eat, sleep and exercise, your work and your finances. So this particular episode. sits at the intersection of two emotional rhythms and spiritual rhythms. Let's take emotional rhythms first. Emotional rhythms really refer to creating space to process, to reflect, to heal, to feel, and to grow instead of just constantly pushing through everything, which is what we normally do. When I had my fall down on the floor nervous breakdown when I was 27 years old. ⁓ the reason I had that is because I just kept pushing through, ⁓ and I did that until I couldn't push anymore. And I fell down on the floor instead. ⁓ but the keystone rhythm here, see each of these four rhythms, the REST has a keystone rhythm. And I drew that from Charles Duhigg's, ⁓ the power of habit. In the power of habit, he talks about keystone habits and those are habits that drive growth in other areas that drive momentum in other areas. I've renamed them for this. My purpose is keystone rhythms. And a keystone rhythm is a rhythm or a habit that drives other good rhythms. So for emotional, for your emotional health and emotional rhythms, the keystone habit is fun and hobbies. I bet you didn't know that, did you? One of the main things that replenishes us emotionally, when we're emotionally depleted, is fun and hobbies. Now, ask leaders how many fun and hobbies they have, especially if they're in the season of life of ⁓ high profile job, marriage, kids, sports, the whole deal. And, you know, those hobbies often go out the window. But I'm not talking about productive hobbies. I'm not talking about optimization disguised as fun. Okay, talking about real play. The kind that you did before you learned everything had to have a purpose. Now these can look differently. Like I'll give you some of mine and it'll give you an idea. Potting plants. Obviously I've said that already. and if you want to see a picture of that, just sign up for my, just subscribe to my newsletter. I send pictures in the newsletter and there's a picture of me potting a plant. If you're interested, ⁓ golf, hiking, organizing the garage. call it puttering in the garage, whatever your thing is. These aren't necessarily distractions from real life. They're how you refill your emotional tank. Now, the second I mentioned, it's the intersection of emotional rhythms and spiritual rhythms. ⁓ The spiritual rhythm part is being grounded in something deeper than your next deadline or your next thing to do. The keystone rhythm in your spiritual life, you may find it differently. ⁓ There's really two, but I'm going to focus on one today. A day of rest or as they call it in the Jewish tradition, a Sabbath is a weekly day of refraining from work-based productivity and often involves things like replenishing relationships, hobbies, fun activities. And if you're a person of faith, it can involve worship as well. Now, Abraham Herschel, who I mentioned earlier, understood this. He, he, you know, he knew that Sabbath isn't, it doesn't mean collapsing on the couch. It's counterintuitive and it's the discipline of stopping or ceasing productivity, but replacing that often with replenishing activities. If you work with your hands Sabbath with your mind, if you work with your mind Sabbath with your hands. Now it's not ceasing or stopping because the work is done. The work is never done. It's letting go of the work for a time. It's embracing the fact that you are a human being who has limits. One of the reasons I burned out when I was young is because I thought I was invincible. Many of us do when we're young, but a day of rest is making a strong, firm, bold resolution. And it's this work does not own me. I want you to just say that out loud. I know it's cheesy. I don't care if you're in the gym where you say it under your breath. If you're at home in the car, let's just say it. Work does not own me. It's freeing to say that it's freeing to believe that and to practice that it's letting the soil lie fallow for a while. It's sinking up with the natural rhythms of the world. The rhythms of the world. There's there's natural cadences and rhythms built in to the natural world. You know, you think waves ebb and flow, you know, there's seasons where things grow and seasons where things lie dormant birds migrate in one season. and are and come back in the next season. Waves, they crash and they recede, they crash. There's cadence and rhythm to everything in the natural world. The problem is we don't have much cadence and rhythm to our own lives. And Sabbath or a day of rest, whatever you want to call it, can be one of those weekly rhythms that I've come not only to look forward to, but has been vital for me staying relationally, emotionally, spiritually and tangibly. these emotional and spiritual rhythms for the purpose of today's talk is where I want to, to focus. Cause there's a payoff there. What you do on your day of rest matters. Those hands on replenishing activities from your emotional rhythms are often the best way to practice your spiritual rhythm as well. They're how you stop working with your mind and start resting with your hands. But here's a warning. If you don't have, if you don't practice proactive rest, you'll default automatically to things that drain you scrolling more screens, numbing yourself with Netflix. And again, it's not bad to watch a movie, but you wonder why you feel depleted after your quote unquote day off. These are some of the reasons you slowly convince yourself that rest doesn't work for people like you. had many, ⁓ top leaders and executive coaching clients that, ⁓ you know, they just flat out admit, I don't know how to rest. The reason they don't know how to rest it because they're resting wrong. They're thinking of rest as inactivity and doing nothing. I've got to sit on the couch for eight hours instead of thinking about doing activities that replenish spending time with family, reading a fiction book, doing some gardening, playing golf, whatever it is for you. Now what ⁓ actually happens is. your emotional rhythms determine your capacity. Just let that land for a moment. Your emotional rhythms determine what you can handle. Your spiritual rhythms in turn anchor you when things feel out of control. That was a little bit about what my last podcast was about. So the intersection of those emotional and spiritual rhythms is really important. And they often, ⁓ you know, play off one another. Well, every podcast, every episode, we take a moment to focus on one of those four core rhythms of rest. And I I like to give an action that you can take in the next 24 to 48 hours and a reflection question to help you think about it more deeply. So the action step for this week. Here it is. want you to think about what you do all week in your leadership and first identify. Are you working with your hands or your mind? Your mind, are you working with your hands or your mind? Okay. You got that answer? You know, right off the bat, you know, what kind of work you do. Now I want you to apply Heschel's wisdom. If you work with your mind, rest with your hands. If you work with your hands, rest with your mind. So here's what I want you to do. Identify one, just one. Okay. One specific activity that's opposite from what you do all week, something that genuinely replenishes you and not just, it's not just a placeholder. doesn't just fill time. And I want you to put it on your calendar for your next day of rest. Okay. If you don't have a day of rest scheduled, just schedule the activity and that can be the anchor for your day of rest. And I want you to protect it like, like a meeting with your biggest client. It's that important and just put it on your calendar, protect it. And then if you need to make a call to invite somebody or, talk to your wife or your husband or whatever that is, just do it. So example, if you're in back to back meetings all week, don't rest by listening to a podcast, build something garden cook, work with your hands. If you're doing physical labor all week, rest might be reading or journaling or some quiet reflection or, ⁓ you know, something else. Here's a reflection question for this week. And I want you to just really take a moment to think about this because this is the truth when we often default to productivity. You ready for it? What are you avoiding by staying productive all the time? Is it fear? Is it pressure? Is it that relationship that you know needs tending to see productivity can become a default for avoiding more important things. I want to suggest something different altogether. Do something that replenishes you instead of reaching or reacting out of fear and avoidance. That's a big one. Now, here's what I want you to do. Don't just listen and move on. Okay. Leave a comment for me on YouTube. Hit me, hit me back with an email. If you're on my email list, leave a message or a DM. If you're on social media, not so I can have lots of comments and you can puff up my ego. I couldn't care less about that. I want you to leave a comment because it's a form of accountability. And I want you to leave, tell me two things. What's your version of hands in the dirt? The one non cerebral activity that you're going to plan this week that replenishes you most. And secondly, when was that the last time that you actually did it? Okay. So what's your version of hands in the dirt and when was the last time you actually did it? I read every response. That's how we build sustainable success together. Leave me a comment and ⁓ I can't wait to read it. Can't wait to meet you there. Well, if this resonated with you, you'll love my biweekly Rhythms of Rest newsletter. Every other week, I send out honest, practical insights to help you live and lead from internal rest instead of burnout and overwhelm. No fluff, just simple tools for my Rhythms of Rest framework to help you slow down without losing momentum. Just go to KentMoroski.com forward slash newsletter to sign up. It's absolutely free. And you'll be the first to hear about exclusive offers and get from time to time, get some bonus content as well. Have a great week.