Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Wife Is Only Fun When She Drinks

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When Your Wife Is Only Fun When She Drinks · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, we're going to be talking about a
• 0:10
  Facebook group member questions. You should join the Facebook
• 0:13
  group. It has a lot of great people
• 0:15
  talking about, interesting topics all the time and I'm very
• 0:18
  much more likely to do a podcast or a video or a post about
• 0:23
  something that you asked about if you are in that group and I'm
• 0:27
  interacting with you all the time.
• 0:29
  Okay? So the the actual topic is, what
• 0:32
  if your wife is only fun when she drinks, and she only really
• 0:35
  has Sex with you and she drinks and she asks totally different
• 0:38
  when she doesn't drink and then, of course, what if she quits
• 0:41
  drinking. So we will get to that.
• 0:43
  As soon as I tell you to subscribe, my most recent
• 0:45
  subscriber episode was about anxiety, and kids, and how it's
• 0:48
  passed down by anxious, parents and 100 and something 15, 20
• 0:53
  more paid episodes including oral sex on women.
• 0:57
  So you should always be subscribing to this podcast as
• 1:00
  well. That is separate from the
• 1:01
  Facebook group. Those are not the same platform,
• 1:04
  okay? So a lot of people have this
• 1:07
  situation, I'm going to be talking about what if your wife
• 1:09
  is more fun when she drinks, because as I discussed most
• 1:13
  women do not like when a man drinks evolutionarily that's
• 1:16
  scary. The man is out of control and he
• 1:20
  usually can't even perform. So you know there's kind of
• 1:23
  really no upside to a man drinking if you look at it from
• 1:27
  an evolutionary standpoint where women look to men to be safe and
• 1:31
  you know, to protect them. Whereas men do not you know
• 1:35
  look. Two women to be safe and to
• 1:36
  protect them physically at all. So, it seems like a lot of
• 1:41
  upside quite honestly. If she's a lot of fun, unless
• 1:44
  she gets to the point where she's blacking out and throwing
• 1:46
  up, then that's no fun for anybody.
• 1:48
  But a lot of men find it also easier to perform when the woman
• 1:54
  is a little drunk because she's not staring at them.
• 1:57
  So if they have any performance anxiety then it's almost like
• 2:01
  she's she's not fully there. So he can't think that she's
• 2:07
  judging him because kind of she's in her own head being
• 2:10
  drunk and so a lot of guys find it easier and that is actually a
• 2:14
  part that men don't understand about the wife being more fun in
• 2:16
  bed when she's drunk, they are more fun in bed too because
• 2:20
  they're saying things that they wouldn't usually say because
• 2:23
  they think that she will respond differently and less inhibited
• 2:27
  Lee frequently and she does because what that's what alcohol
• 2:30
  does it loosens your inhibitions so you act like a different
• 2:33
  person. And so what if you Like this
• 2:35
  woman that and I have a whole post about this if you and your
• 2:38
  spouse meet one. Partying.
• 2:40
  So about people who meet when they're like drinking using
• 2:43
  other substances at cetera, during college or early 20s, or
• 2:47
  what have you and then they try to settle down and make a life
• 2:50
  together frequently that is fraught with problems because
• 2:54
  the difference of two people with jobs, raising kids is way
• 2:58
  different than going out getting wasted every night and what that
• 3:01
  transition is like, but a lot of people are in that.
• 3:05
  A situation where there was a lot of drinking and their early
• 3:08
  relationship, and particularly the woman was drunk a lot and
• 3:11
  the man looked at it. Looked at it as fun, pretty much
• 3:14
  all upside. I mean, I saw a tick tock where
• 3:16
  the guys had getting my wife ready for a night out and he's
• 3:19
  like making a towel like little bed for her in the bathroom with
• 3:24
  like ginger ale and stuff. Like basically implying, she's
• 3:26
  going to be up all night puking to the point that she's sleeping
• 3:29
  on the floor. Now, as a clinical psychologist,
• 3:32
  this looks like really bad. You know that doesn't look
• 3:35
  funny. That looks like this woman has a
• 3:37
  binge drinking problem and you don't have to be an alcoholic
• 3:41
  that drinks everyday to have a diagnosable.
• 3:44
  Alcohol use disorder you know such as binge drinking and binge
• 3:48
  drinking is hold on. I'll look it up.
• 3:52
  I need to know. I think it's 3 for women over 3
• 3:56
  for women over 44. Men in a short amount of time.
• 4:00
  Hold on. Yeah, five or more for men and
• 4:03
  four or more for women and two hours.
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  And if you're sitting there saying hey that just sounds like
• 4:09
  a fun night out. That's actually the criteria for
• 4:12
  binge drinking disorder, right? And so you really want to watch
• 4:17
  that especially if you do that more than like, you know, once
• 4:21
  or twice a year. So and you can never, of course
• 4:25
  drive when you're drinking at all.
• 4:27
  But anyway, I mean this is not the PSA for don't drink.
• 4:31
  Drive. This is talking about a very
• 4:32
  specific issue. So anyway, so your wife can have
• 4:37
  an alcohol problem if she has to like make the bed in the
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  bathroom after a night of drinking.
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  But she could also have really good sex with you before that.
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  So you have to think about what you are really reinforcing.
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  When you're excited about your wife going out, drinking
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  especially if she has said that she is uncomfortable with her
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  drinking because then then basically she has a problem.
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  L'm, but because it's good for you, you don't like to think of
• 5:03
  it as a problem. So, you know, it's the exact
• 5:07
  dynamic in the movie that I always recommend with Meg, Ryan
• 5:10
  and Andy Garcia, When a Man Loves a Woman, it is an
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  excellent movie and you really want to watch it.
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  Obviously, it's exactly relevant for this situation.
• 5:18
  But on a macro level, it is relevant.
• 5:21
  For all situations of codependency over functioning is
• 5:25
  really a good movie, for a lot of the things that we discuss.
• 5:28
  So on this podcast in my post, And what have you?
• 5:32
  So anyway, if your wife is a lot more fun when she drinks.
• 5:35
  But then the next day, she's totally hung over, she's
• 5:38
  throwing up, or she has to sleep, she can't take care of
• 5:40
  the kids. Guess?
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  Why? She doesn't like that.
• 5:43
  You know, it's different when she was in college.
• 5:45
  It's different after that, you know, before she has children,
• 5:48
  because she has nobody to take care of, but there are no women
• 5:51
  that I speak to that. Have a hangover and are just
• 5:54
  like, oh, yeah, that's fun. My husband takes care of the
• 5:56
  kids. I mean, like again, if it's like
• 5:58
  once or twice a year, if it's the day after a wedding, But,
• 6:01
  you know, it's if it's something that all happens, even
• 6:05
  semi-regularly it causes a lot of guilt and shame and
• 6:09
  particularly, if the woman herself, had a parrot who
• 6:12
  struggled with alcohol use or depression or anything, where
• 6:15
  the mother had to be in bed. And or similarly, unavailable to
• 6:20
  the children, no mother wants to be unavailable to her kids,
• 6:23
  because she's sick and she made herself sick.
• 6:26
  I mean that's just not a thing that you're proud of.
• 6:29
  So you got to think about it from, Her perspective.
• 6:31
  If you're like, oh yeah, that sounds fun.
• 6:34
  And then you're really happy that she comes home and she
• 6:36
  like, gives you a blowjob and then the next day, she's
• 6:38
  completely out of commission and she feels like garbage about
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  herself then. I don't know, maybe the blowjobs
• 6:43
  not worth it or, or this is a big or maybe you guys have have
• 6:48
  bigger issues in the relationship.
• 6:50
  You know, if the only time that you have good sex is when she's
• 6:53
  drunk, there are likely a lot of good big issues in the
• 6:56
  relationship. So more avoidant people who are
• 6:59
  more anxious about Never seeming vulnerable can only kind of let
• 7:04
  loose when they are when they're hammered.
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  And so people with avoidant, attachment people who are very
• 7:12
  anxious, people who are depressed, sometimes can feel a
• 7:16
  lift very, very short term because overall alcohol is a
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  mood depressant so it contributes to to worsening
• 7:23
  depression over time. But these women who are more
• 7:27
  avoidant or more generally anxious not anxious.
• 7:31
  Attachment to avoid a Detachment or generalized anxiety.
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  So, always anxious about the kids, safety work money Health,
• 7:39
  the germs, whatever, that's stops when you're drunk, you
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  stop worrying. And then avoidant attachment
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  women get kind of more flirtatious and fun when and
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  like uninhibited and more vulnerable.
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  Really. Like it's like the first time
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  you can ever really care for your wife.
• 7:55
  And that's also a part of it, that these men subconsciously
• 7:58
  like, is that the next day they have Take care of her.
• 8:02
  And that's, you can see that in the ND, Garcia moving that.
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  I'm talking to you about the, When a Man Loves a Woman.
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  So if the only time that you ever get to care for your wife,
• 8:11
  is when she's hungover and you really yearn to have a closer
• 8:14
  more intimate relationship. She's also more cuddly when
• 8:17
  she's hungover. So you get the great sex and
• 8:19
  then you get the cogley person. What you're forgetting though is
• 8:22
  that there's a large hit to her overall self-esteem every time
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  this happens and she probably doesn't remember the hot sex.
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  It doesn't really do anything for her.
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  She's probably not even there, and a lot of women do fake when
• 8:35
  they're drunk because you can't really feel much same as you get
• 8:39
  whiskey dick, you know, same kind of thing by the way.
• 8:42
  And this is just a PSA, a lot of medications don't really even
• 8:47
  talk about sexual side effects and women because it's so rare
• 8:50
  for women to have an orgasm anyway, compared to men.
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  So if you really want to see if there's any sexual side effects,
• 8:56
  as a woman to your medication, look up the sexual side effects
• 8:58
  to men because it's the same kind of thing if he has with.
• 9:01
  Ski dick, you know, from a medication, you are probably
• 9:03
  going to have, you know, whiskey clip.
• 9:06
  But nobody talks about that and I should coin that term, but
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  it's kind of dirty so I don't want to.
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  But anyway, the point is she doesn't really feel her genitals
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  when it gets to a certain point either because she's so wasted
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  same exact thing as you. So the great sex that you're
• 9:19
  thinking you had, she may not even remember, she may not even
• 9:22
  feel it. If you can only connect
• 9:25
  emotionally to your wife, when she is drinking, that is a
• 9:27
  relationship problem and it's also a your wife's emotions.
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  And she really needs to be in therapy and you guys need to be
• 9:34
  in couples therapy to because you can't keep her as a drunk
• 9:39
  all the time. I mean, you know, that's insane.
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  Like you can't be saying, oh yeah sure.
• 9:44
  Go out with your girlfriends because you think that you're
• 9:46
  going to get laid for the first time in three weeks, that is not
• 9:49
  a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, it's a
• 9:51
  relationship. A lot of people find themselves
• 9:53
  in what kind of guys find themselves in relationships with
• 9:57
  women, who have addiction issues, same kind as the reverse
• 10:00
  of women who find Themselves with men who have addiction
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  issues you grew up with one parent who had a problem.
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  You know whether it was addiction depression PTSD, there
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  was a parent who had a problem and you took care of them and
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  now you're in the same situation with your partner that struggles
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  with problem drinking or and or true alcoholism.
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  Because there are some and listening that are like but she
• 10:24
  drinks everyday. It's not just on the weekend.
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  She has to have one to two drinks every single night to
• 10:28
  relax it then on the weekends. It ramps up to a bottle of Wine
• 10:31
  at least yet she has an alcohol problem.
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  That's what that is. And if you're listening you have
• 10:36
  you know, the woman you have an alcohol problem and if he also
• 10:39
  has to have a drink every single night, that's also alcohol,
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  dependence. Every single night having to do
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  something. This is not a good thing.
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  You know, that indicates that you would be anxious without it
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  so that you are physiologically dependent on it and truly
• 10:56
  psychologically dependent. So, while you may not get the
• 10:59
  DTs, if you stop, you're going. To be real anxious, you are the
• 11:03
  person who goes on vacation, has to look where the stores are to
• 11:05
  buy, alcohol, or where the bar is, because that's the only way
• 11:08
  that you relax and that's not a good thing.
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  And the reason that you're like, that is to twofold as usual
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  nature and nurture, you likely had a parent that was the same.
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  And so and you have an addictive personality, that's genetic plus
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  you're always under stress that you don't deal with, on a deeper
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  level and a and a day-to-day level.
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  So by the way, if you're like, oh yeah, I'm dependent on
• 11:29
  alcohol but my Wasn't one question, was anybody a
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  workaholic? Because that's the same thing.
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  That's also an addictive personality.
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  So many guys, especially if they grew up religious, the father
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  didn't touch any alcohol, but he worked like 14 hours a day.
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  That's a workaholic. So you do have an addictive
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  component in your genetic history.
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  So anyway, how can you talk to your wife about this, you know?
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  Well, first of all, you probably tend toward brushing things
• 11:55
  under the rug, and codependency, so that would be something for
• 11:57
  you to work on in your own therapy.
• 11:59
  If you're like, there's no way that That I could bring this up
• 12:02
  ever and also I don't want to bring it up because this is the
• 12:05
  only time we feel close. Yeah.
• 12:07
  But what are your kids learning? You know.
• 12:08
  The mom he's hungover. Every three weeks that you know
• 12:11
  Mommy and Daddy only touch and kiss when she's like out of her
• 12:14
  mind with a headache because she drinks too much.
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  I mean, it's just, it's bad, you know, the whole thing is bad,
• 12:18
  you know, it's bad. If you're listening this far
• 12:21
  into the episode, so you bring it up by kind of working on your
• 12:24
  own ability, to be assertive and saying something like it worries
• 12:29
  me that we are only in When you're drunk / hungover and I
• 12:35
  worry about that. I worry about you.
• 12:37
  And you, you act like a totally different person.
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  I worry that you seem kind of miserable the rest of the time.
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  We don't really touch, we don't really connect.
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  I don't know if maybe you're depressed, I don't know if
• 12:48
  you're unhappy with this relationship, but what I do know
• 12:51
  is that it doesn't feel good, really?
• 12:54
  When I think about it, it's doesn't seem positive.
• 12:56
  That the only time that we really connect is when you're
• 12:59
  drunk or hungover. And I've been trying to tell
• 13:02
  myself, always, always, by the way, be honest and vulnerable
• 13:05
  because that will make any any conversation goes so much
• 13:08
  better. If you truly stream of conscious
• 13:10
  narrate, what's in your mind, that your vulnerabilities.
• 13:12
  So, if there are any anxieties, you have, you say that I was
• 13:15
  anxious to bring this up. Quite honestly, I had convinced
• 13:19
  myself, it was a good thing, you know, that every few weeks you
• 13:22
  cut loose and then we party, you know, but I'm trying to think
• 13:25
  also about how bad you feel the next day, how it seemed to ramp
• 13:29
  up in recent years. How we no longer have the sex or
• 13:33
  even the emotional closeness that we used to have in between
• 13:36
  those episodes and or you do drink every night and I'm
• 13:39
  concerned. I'm concerned that it seems to
• 13:42
  be your only method of stress relief and now many people will
• 13:46
  be like oh but I do that to you know we get wasted every few
• 13:50
  weeks and that's the way that we cut loose basically and we also
• 13:53
  both drink every single net. So you're going to end up the
• 13:56
  couple you know where the kids when they're drawing.
• 13:58
  The picture of Mommy and Daddy they draw the wine glass or the
• 14:00
  beer. Are in the hand because they
• 14:02
  can't imagine Parents Without that.
• 14:04
  That's not exactly what you want to model for.
• 14:06
  Your children is consistent. Substance use in order to feel
• 14:11
  even neutral to positive about your day, but that has to be
• 14:16
  something that you come to terms with yourself.
• 14:18
  And if you saw it growing up then, you know, you know that
• 14:22
  it's not exactly how you think about it that, you know, you're
• 14:25
  a great parent, the rest of the time.
• 14:27
  But then, you know, like you're even more fun when you've had.
• 14:31
  Year. That's usually not right.
• 14:33
  Usually, you could be irritable, you can be kind of dissociative.
• 14:36
  You cannot remember really what the kid is saying, not.
• 14:38
  Not kind of focus on it, really be in your own world, you know,
• 14:43
  it's not drinking, doesn't make parenting better.
• 14:47
  So sometimes people try to convince themselves of that and
• 14:50
  that's quite related to drinking making a relationship better,
• 14:52
  drinking gonna make anything better.
• 14:54
  It's a substance that has a profound deleterious effect over
• 15:00
  time. You know, people need more of it
• 15:03
  to achieve the desired effect which is the definition of an
• 15:06
  addictive substance and really it disconnects people you and
• 15:11
  your wife when she's wasted, you're not really connecting you
• 15:16
  know you don't know what the hell she's thinking or if she's
• 15:18
  thinking or what she's feeling or if she's feeling anything.
• 15:22
  And so this would be a very good podcast if it makes you feel
• 15:25
  uncomfortable. It's always a good sign, don't
• 15:28
  share it, if somebody's not doesn't want to hear me, I told.
• 15:31
  Through this already, then I still get emails.
• 15:34
  All my wife won't listen to your stuff.
• 15:35
  Don't tell her, don't show her my stuff.
• 15:38
  Come up with your own way to talk about it and I literally
• 15:42
  gave you a script so it should be easier this time.
• 15:45
  Remember, I am concerned about this.
• 15:47
  I try to brush it under the rug that's kind of my personality.
• 15:50
  I know I have to work on it but I see that.
• 15:52
  Really the only time we connect is when you're drunk.
• 15:55
  I think that we should go to some couples counseling.
• 15:57
  I think we need to reconnect. I think that the same ways that
• 16:00
  we Connected When We Were Young aren't working.
• 16:02
  Now, the Sunday hungover isn't working for our family.
• 16:07
  I am concerned about what the children are learning.
• 16:11
  I know that we both grew up with a drinking parents and I don't
• 16:13
  want that for the children and I know that I don't make it any
• 16:16
  better because I encourage you to go out / I drink right
• 16:19
  alongside you /i you know make you a drink I buy all the wine
• 16:24
  for the house / whatever, whatever the way is that you
• 16:27
  enable it and or also are suffering from the same thing.
• 16:31
  I want to be working on it more directly.
• 16:33
  All right. So it will be not your favorite
• 16:35
  conversation, but big shit, you know, you got to do hard things
• 16:39
  to have a better relationship, particularly if there are
• 16:42
  children, observing your patterns and learning from all,
• 16:45
  right? I hope that this was useful for
• 16:49
  the person who requested it, as well as everybody listening
• 16:52
  because it is a very common topic.
• 16:54
  Please do watch the movie. It's such a good movie.
• 16:56
  Really movies worth 1000 podcasts in this case.
• 17:00
  And that will talk To you soon. Have a great day guys.
• 17:02
  And please do subscribe and sign up for my Facebook group by.