Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Unbecoming - Returning to Yourself After Divorce

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Unbecoming - Returning to Yourself After Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warren Tree people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Titled Unbecoming: Returning to Yourself After Divorce.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: This episode actually began its life as an Instagram post.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: I had shared a quote from someone else, and afterwards a client sent me a private message about it, and it sparked a deeper reflection that I thought was really worth bringing here to you on the podcast.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: The quote was from poet Hazel Satya, and forgive me if I'm mispronouncing that.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it said, Maybe this next chapter of your life isn't about becoming anything.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe instead it's about slowly unbecoming all the things which no longer align with you and settling peacefully into the arms of your authentic self.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: And when I read that, it really, it really landed with me.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: It stopped me.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, for myself, and also and perhaps mostly for all of you.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we think about divorce, we often think about this concept of reinvention, and I know I speak to that at times.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Starting over, becoming stronger, becoming independent, becoming the new version of yourself.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, absolutely, sometimes, probably all times, those things do happen.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: But in my I guess deeper experience, both personally and in the work I do with my clients, something else happens too, and it's a little quieter, a little more introspective, a little less overt or obvious, not always noticeable to the outside until a little bit later.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce doesn't just change you and offer you that reinvention opportunity that's really spoken about.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I know there's been stuff in the media, I was in the media, I was in the national papers last week about this sort of reinvention story.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it does that, but it doesn't just do that.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: It fundamentally, figuratively and literally strips things away.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: It strips away things like time with your kids if you have children, money and financial stability or security.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: It strips away maybe your home, your house, your place, the place where you live, and you've created a life.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: It strips away security, a sense of who you are in the world, the life you thought you would have, right?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: It strips those things away.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: But it also strips away parts of you, the roles you played, the expectations you carried, the conditioning perhaps that you carried inside you, the stories you told yourself or have had told about you, about who you had to be.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: And as painful and as challenging and as confronting as all of that is, it's also an invitation, right?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because maybe, as the quote says, maybe this next chapter isn't about becoming anything.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it is about unbecoming.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So after I read that quote, I I shared this reflection on Instagram.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it's about the fact that divorce didn't just change me in ways that I expected.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: It stripped things away.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: It stripped away who I thought I had to be.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I stopped trying.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: I stopped trying to become and started unbecoming those roles that I'd played or that I'd stepped into, that I'd lived inside, expectations that I held and carried about myself, about marriage, about relationship, about partnership.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: It stripped away the noise and the stories that I'd lived inside.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: And slowly, as hard and as complex and as challenging and as confronting as all of that was, I started to settle.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes messily, often messily, sometimes uncertainly, sometimes afraid, but in the end, peacefully.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Peacefully settled into who I really am.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And unbecoming to become.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Returning to yourself, slowly, gently, layer by layer, unbecoming, coming home.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And something else that's interesting, at least in my own story and in the stories of many of the clients that I coach, is that this process of questioning and unbecoming, or at least the deeper questioning, often begins way before the separation, way before the separation itself, before anyone leaves, before the big conversations happen.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: There's often quiet moments where something inside niggles and starts asking us, is this it?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Is this all there is?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Is this still who I am?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe is this the life I'm meant to be living?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Is this yeah, I think it's is this all there is?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or why does this version of me, of my life, feel so far away from who I used to be, from my authentic self, like it says in that quote.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And what's really happening in those moments is the beginning of that unbecoming, questioning the roles, questioning the expectations, questioning the stories we've absorbed about life, relationship, marriage, partnership, questioning the stories about who we should be in a marriage, in a family, in a life.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because, you know, the truth really is as humans, we're not static.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: We grow, we evolve, we learn, we expand, and sometimes that growth happens within a relationship, but sometimes it creates a shift around that relationship too, or about that relationship, and the path forward together changes.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, sometimes it's about friendships too.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I've had conversations with clients over the last few weeks about friendships shifting and changing, friendships being shared, not just because of or around separation and divorce, but as clients change and shift and grow into something other after a separation, divorce, when they are unbecoming, friendships, friendship dynamics shift and change.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes family dynamics shift, and sometimes, yes, sometimes it is your intimate partnership, your marriage, your life partnership that shifts and changes.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this can be one of the hardest parts of divorce and life afterwards to talk about really openly, really honestly, because we're taught that you know relationships should be treasured, relationships should endure, relationships should stay the course, that they should stay the same, that if they change, someone must have done something wrong, someone must have let go, someone must have failed, or the relationship has failed.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: But in reality, change is part of being human.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And when we change, we are then faced with a choice, a choice about what to do with or about that change.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes this sort of questioning leads to repair, it leads to repairing a relationship.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it leads to redefining it, and sometimes, yes, it leads to ending it, to leaving it.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I found that for some people, some clients, some members of the Reflect community, this unbecoming actually happens inside the relationship, or it starts to happen inside the relationship.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: While for others, that real unfolding begins only after they leave, and for some, after they're through that process of negotiation, mediation, settlement, agreements, creating a new separate life.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: That process of unbecoming and unfolding begins at that point.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's when the noise quiets, you know, the to-do list that seems never ending when you're in the middle of it suddenly is a bit shorter, when all that difficulty and all that mess sort of falls away, and there's finally space.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Space to take a breath, space to sort of pop your head up out of that mess that you've been navigating, space to maybe pause, exhale, and sit with and in your new reality.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: That space gives you an opportunity to question differently.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's space to wonder and dream again, and maybe to ask, who am I now?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps more truthfully, who was I before?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Who was I before perhaps I started trying to be everything for everyone else?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Or I started trying, or I was consumed by trying to maintain this relationship, and this is where something really powerful can happen because separation, divorce, reorganizing your life afterwards, as painful and destabilizing as that can be also creates that space I just spoke about, right?
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Space to really honestly look at the big picture, to look at perhaps parts of yourself that you might have outgrown, or parts of yourself that you've covered up, parts of yourself that you don't love, don't recognize, don't feel aligned with anymore.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it creates space to let go, let go of, I've spoken about it a number of times across this episode, you know, expectations and stories, but it's also about space to let go of identities, you know, and perhaps it's an identity that you no longer feel aligned with, or that perhaps was never really, honestly, deeply, and truthfully yours to begin with.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's space to slowly let go, uncover, release expectations that shaped you, that shaped the way you showed up in the world, the way you moved through the world, the way you navigated that relationship.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And not through forcing anything or judgment or blame, and blame I mean of, or blame and judgment, I suppose, of others, of the other person in that relationship or of yourself, but just through that gentle awareness that the space can afford you, right?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: With compassion, with curiosity, with openness, with a more expansive kind of mindset.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why I often you'll often hear me say that divorce is more.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like divorce is more than just a legal, financial, or logistical process.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's an identity process, it's an identity shift, it's a psychological process, it's an emotional process, it's a human experience, it's a lived experience, right?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just a thing, it's not just a legal, financial strategic or um objective, logistical is the word I'm looking for.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just a legal, financial, logistical event, it's deeply human, it's deeply personal.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because alongside all that stuff, all the legal, financial, practical, social changes and challenges, the paperwork, the decisions, the negotiation, the logistics, there's also this quiet inner work happening, right?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: This work of unbecoming.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that unbecoming can feel it can feel really destabilizing, really disorienting, like the ground underneath your feet is is shifting or constantly shifting, and you're not quite sure how to find solid ground or how to find your footing in your own life.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're not quite sure who you are anymore, or how you're supposed to move through the world now, or if we strip out supposed and should, you know, how you want to move through the world now, and there is that uncertainty underpinning, sitting underneath all of it about what you might still need to let go of, who you might need to release, who that is, and what parts of your life still need to shift.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: And you can feel in this space like you've already lost so much, you've already let go of so much, you've already shifted so much that the idea of losing, shifting, releasing anything more can be too much, can be unbearable.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's so very hard to imagine what it might take, what it might ask of you, what it might require of you to finally feel at home in your life and in yourself.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: So if you find yourself in this stage right now, questioning things about yourself, about your life, about your relationship, about your roles, about what's next for you, I just want to really state very, very clearly: there is nothing wrong with you.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: You are not lost, you are not failing, you are not doing it wrong, you are not making mistakes, or you haven't made or aren't making wrong or poor decisions.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: You might simply be in the middle of unbecoming, of returning to yourself.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe the real question for you right now isn't what do I need to do next, or who do I need to become next?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a gentler and more powerful question of what am I ready to let go of?
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: What is the role?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: What is the expectation?
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: What is the story about myself that I'm ready to release?
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll leave you with this that maybe you don't need to figure out what's next, what to do next, what to shift next.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you don't even need to figure out who you're becoming just yet.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe right now, in this moment, for you it's simply enough to notice.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: To notice that you're asking questions, to notice that you're contemplating this, you're thinking about this, you're turning it over.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's simply enough to know and notice that.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps it is enough for you to notice something that you're ready to put down.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: An unbecoming, a coming home, because that feeling of being at home in yourself, in your own life, in your body, in who you are, it is possible.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: It is possible for you, and not in that rushed, fixed, have it all together right now kind of way, but in a quiet, gradual, unfolding, this is really me, this is authentically me kind of way.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're here listening to this, you're already on your way to that, even if you're still in the messy middle parts, even if you can't see it for yourself or feel into it yet, even if your mind is quietly pushing back at me, telling yourself, no, no, not me, that's not going to happen to me, that's not for me.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, it is, it's possible for you too.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: So if this episode has stirred something in you, nudged something in you, you've found yourself acknowledging that, yep, there is something here, and if you would like to explore what working together might look like, I would love to hear from you and have a conversation.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: You'll find the link in the show notes to book an intro call and we can talk about it.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're not quite there yet, come and join me on the mailing list.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Hang out with me here on the podcast, but make sure you join my mailing list because there's something I'm thinking about, I'm quietly building for women, for clients who, for people, for humans who are exactly where you are right now.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Something that I am looking forward to sharing and I will share with my mailing list first.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, be gentle with yourself.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're not lost, maybe you're unbecoming, and maybe you're just beginning to find your way home to yourself.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you know somebody who might be supported and helped to hear this, please share the podcast link with them.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: Until then