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EP 33: Don't Make This Mistake When You Set Boundaries · Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach

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Have you ever noticed that when people talk about boundaries, it can sound like one day
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you just wake up and now you can confidently say no.
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And suddenly you're a boundary expert.
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But that's not how growth usually works.
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You don't run a marathon without training first.
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Right?
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And you don't walk into a gym and now you're able to lift the heaviest weight on day one.
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And you don't become skilled at boundaries overnight.
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Boundaries are a skill.
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And like any skill, they require practice.
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So today we're talking about how to start practicing boundaries when you're brand new
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to them.
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We'll talk about baby knows, how to pick safe people to set boundaries with, and how to
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learn from others who are setting boundaries, and why God often works through small beginnings.
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If you're tired of people pleasing, caring too much, and wondering why peace still feels
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so hard to hold on to, you're in the right place.
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Hi, I'm Lori, mom, former people pleaser, and your boundaries coach.
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Here we talk about how to protect your peace, set healthier boundaries, and get clear on
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what actually matters so that you can build a life that feels lighter, calmer, and more
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satisfying.
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So let's stop the chaos for a minute, moms, catch our breath, and get into this next episode.
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Welcome back to Healthy Boundaries for Moms.
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I am your host, Lori Grimes.
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So over the past few episodes, we have been unpacking what boundaries actually are, and
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why they matter, and how to identify the warning lights that show up when your life is needing
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attention.
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Okay, but understanding boundaries and practicing boundaries are two totally different things.
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A lot of us know we need boundaries.
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We just don't know how to begin.
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So if that's where you are today, friend, I want to encourage you, you don't have to
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become a boundary expert this week.
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You just need to take the first step.
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So let me talk to you a little bit about my own boundary journey, because before we dive
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into today's topic, I want to share a little of my own story, like how I got here and where
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did I start.
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So my boundaries journey began back in 2008.
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I know that's like a long time ago.
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What is that?
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17 years?
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I can't do math.
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But when I first was introduced to recovery principles, at the time I was working through
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codependency, which is really just people pleasing patterns that shaped many of the relationships
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I was in and the decisions that I was making.
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So one of the resources that completely changed my perspective, and I've shared it already
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many times on the podcast, is the Boundaries book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
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And I'll link it in the show notes, because it was one of the first books that really,
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really helped me understand not only what boundaries were, but also how deeply rooted
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they were in biblical principles.
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But what I quickly learned is that boundaries aren't something you just master by reading
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a book.
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Okay?
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You're not going to read that book and then become an expert.
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You learn them by practicing them.
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And one of the greatest gifts I had during that season was a women's recovery group where
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I could practice these boundaries with safe people.
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I could practice saying no.
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I could practice speaking up for myself.
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I could practice being honest about my needs.
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And when I stumbled, and trust me, I stumbled plenty, I had people around me who encouraged
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me, rather than made fun of me or shamed me.
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And one of the biggest things I learned during that season was that I didn't actually need
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to know how exactly to set boundaries.
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In fact, for a long time, the only boundary I thought I had was anger.
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You know what I mean?
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Like, I'm going to get angry at you.
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And that's my boundary.
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I didn't know how to say no.
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I didn't know how to ask for what I needed.
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I did not grow up with that, guys.
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I did not grow up with asking for what you needed.
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I didn't know how to communicate a limit early before I was upset.
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What would happen instead is I'd say yes, when I really just wanted to say no, and I'd
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over commit, and I would take on too much.
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I would ignore everything that I needed.
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And eventually, I'd become so frustrated, I'd be so resentful, and so angry.
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And I just mistook anger for a boundary.
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But anger, it really isn't a boundary.
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It's like a wall.
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And it's often a signal.
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It's a warning light.
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It's telling us some information.
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It's telling us that something needs attention.
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But when we use anger as a boundary, we're erecting a wall.
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We're pushing people away.
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We're saying, get out.
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Stay away.
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And we shut down communication, and we create distance.
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Guys, when we hit anger, we are at our breaking point.
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And what we want to do is set a healthy boundary.
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Because that is going to help us communicate before the resentment starts to build.
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Before your frustration is exploding at everyone around you.
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And before we're completely exhausted.
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So one of the most valuable lessons I learned was how to stop seeing anger as the boundary
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and start seeing it as a signal.
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So that shifted everything.
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Instead of waiting until I was overwhelmed, I began to ask, what is this feeling trying
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to tell me?
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What need isn't being communicated?
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Or what responsibility am I carrying that doesn't even belong to me?
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Where do I need to set a healthy boundary?
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That process, guys, did not happen overnight.
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It took practice.
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It took support.
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It took safe people around me.
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And honestly, it is still taking practice today.
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And over the years, I've also seen how therapy can provide a similar opportunity, like a
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safe space.
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A counselor's office can become a place to practice your communication and try on some
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healthy limits or a new way of responding.
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So maybe for you, it's like a recovery group or it's a women's Bible study.
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Maybe it's your small group at church, your life group.
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Maybe it's just simply a trusted circle of friends.
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And the point is that boundaries often grow best in supportive environments.
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You don't have to do this completely on your own.
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Sometimes one of the healthiest things you can do is tell someone, hey, I'm working on
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boundaries right now.
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I'm trying to stop over committing and I'm learning to say no when I need to.
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And then ask for their support, bring them into it and ask for their encouragement, their
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accountability and prayers along the way to support you.
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And if you're looking for a place to practice, I'd love to invite you to the Healthy Boundaries
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for Moms Facebook community.
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And I'm going to put the link in the show notes because I created this community because
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learning boundaries can feel lonely when you're trying to do it by yourself.
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I mean, it's one thing to listen to this podcast episode, but it is a total another thing to
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try to practice what you're learning in the world.
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And the Facebook group just gives you another place to do that together.
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It's a place where you can ask questions.
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It's a place where you can ask for prayer or look for accountability.
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It's a place where you can share a situation you're struggling with and hear from other
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moms who are working on the exact same thing.
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Maybe your baby boundary is this week just saying no to something you've always say yes
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to.
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Maybe it's just asking for help or it's not volunteering for one more thing.
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It's protecting your schedules, moms.
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And it's simply pausing before you're giving that yes out.
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So I would love for you to come into the group and share what baby boundary you're working
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on this week.
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Let's encourage you.
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Let's pray for you.
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Let us celebrate your wins with you.
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And if you're struggling, let us remind you that growth takes practice because that's
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what really this episode is about.
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It's not about becoming this perfect boundary master.
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It's practicing boundaries.
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It's one conversation, one baby no, one small step at a time.
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And God often uses community to help us grow.
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So I hope the Facebook group can be one of those places for you.
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Now point one, I want you to not despise small beginnings.
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I want to start with this verse that perfectly captures what we're talking about today.
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In Zechariah 4 10 it says, do not despise these small beginnings for the Lord rejoices
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to see the work begin.
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I love that phrase.
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The Lord rejoices to see the work begin.
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Notice it doesn't say he rejoices when you're done and you're finished.
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It says he rejoices when it starts.
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So we often dismiss the small progress and we think, ah, I only said no once, or I still
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overcommitted the rest of the week, or I wasn't very confident.
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Or how about that?
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I should be further along by now.
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We've all said that one.
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But throughout scripture, God's just working through these small beginnings.
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He just needs this seed.
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Because that seed planted becomes a harvest.
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And a shepherd boy, right, becomes a king.
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Or he took a handful of disciples and he changed the world.
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So we tend to celebrate dramatic transformation.
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We always love the montage, right?
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But God often celebrates faithful small beginnings.
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So if your boundary this week is simply saying, let me check my calendar and get back to you.
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That's a start guys.
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If it's saying, I can't commit to that right now.
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That's a beginning.
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Don't despise the small beginnings.
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Okay, so point two.
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Start with baby no's.
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One mistake many people make is starting with the hardest relationship in their life.
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They decide, okay, I'm ready to set boundaries.
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And they go right to the person who's ignored their boundaries for years.
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And that's like deciding your first workout should be 50 pound dumbbells, right?
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Instead, just start with a baby no.
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Like practice in a low risk situation.
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One thing you can say is just, no thank you.
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Or that won't work for me.
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Or try on the phrase, I'll have to pass this time.
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Because a goal isn't perfection.
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The goal is to get you practicing.
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Every healthy boundary you set will strengthen your confidence for the next one.
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It builds.
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Just like exercise.
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Building muscle.
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It builds.
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So point three.
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Practice with safe people.
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Not every boundary has to be tested in those hard relationships first.
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Sometimes God gives us safe people around us to practice.
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Think about the people who love you and the people who generally want to see you get the
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best for you.
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Or the people who don't make every boundary feel personal.
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Those relationships can be the training grounds.
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And you might even tell a trusted friend, I'm working on not over committing myself.
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Or you can tell them, I'm trying to create more margin in my schedule.
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And this leads me to another verse that I think is great here.
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Ecclesiastes 4, 9 through 10.
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It says, two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toll.
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For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.
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But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up.
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I think we sometimes assume boundary work is something we do by ourselves.
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But growth often happens in community.
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Sometimes we need people who remind us that it's okay to say no.
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Sometimes we need those people around us who are encouraging us when boundaries start
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to feel a little uncomfortable.
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Or how about we need people who celebrate our progress when we're focused on the things
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we're not doing right or perfectly.
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You don't have to do this alone friend.
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Okay.
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So point four, become a student of boundaries.
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This was one hack I totally did with boundaries.
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I just paid attention to people who were setting boundaries around me.
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Like if someone were to say no, I watched how they said it.
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I noticed what about it felt healthy, what I thought felt respectful.
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You may hear things like, you know, thanks for thinking of me, but I can't make it.
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I heard that one a lot.
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So I really use that one.
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Or that doesn't work for my schedule.
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Or I'm not available that day.
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Let me think about it and get back to you.
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Many of us didn't grow up with these healthy examples of boundaries around us.
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I know I didn't.
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Sometimes we need to borrow examples from people who are practicing them around us.
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Watch how healthy people communicate their limits and watch how they remain kind without
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the over explanation, you know, the paragraph, the whole narrative on why they said no.
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Watch how they just stay clear without becoming defensive.
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They don't take it personally and it's not personal to them.
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And here's something also I've noticed.
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People who respect their own boundaries are often going to respect your boundaries too.
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That doesn't mean they're perfect, but it can kind of help you navigate and find those
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safe people.
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When someone can hear a no without becoming offended, that's valuable information.
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Or how about when someone communicates their own limits in a respectful way, again, that's
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valuable information.
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Healthy people understand that boundaries are not a rejection of them.
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They're just information.
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And those people may be some of the safest people to practice with.
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So pay attention as you're going throughout your week.
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Point five, invite people into the process.
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So we kind of touched on that.
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One of the healthiest things we can do is to bring people into our growth.
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Not because we owe everyone explanation, because we don't, but because healthy relationships
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often benefit from context.
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It's good for them to know that you're working on healthier boundaries.
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It's not them.
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And that you're just trying to not automatically say yes.
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That kind of communicates to them what's going on.
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Or the fact you're saying, I'm learning to create more margin, tells them you just need
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more time.
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And here's what I've discovered.
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Sometimes when we give ourselves permission to grow, we in turn give other people permission
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to grow too.
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Your boundary may become the permission slip that someone else needed.
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A friend may realize that she doesn't have to say yes to everything.
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Your spouse may begin communicating needs more honestly.
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Your children may learn that healthy people can be loving and still have limits.
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And sometimes healthy boundaries just become contagious.
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You may not even discover that someone wants to work on their boundaries with you.
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Maybe it's a friend.
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Maybe it's a spouse.
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Or maybe it's just someone from your small group.
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Maybe it's someone even from the Facebook community.
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Discomfort often happens better when we don't do it alone.
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So point six, expect to feel awkward.
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I think, we think, we're going to just step into this and we're going to be able to do
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it.
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And it's going to be fine.
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But you are going to feel a little uncomfortable.
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Like it's okay that your voice shakes a little bit.
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And it's okay that your first attempt comes out a little awkward.
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Discomfort doesn't mean that you're doing it wrong, friend.
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It just means that you're trying something new.
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You're a little wobbly.
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Growth is uncomfortable before it becomes natural, right?
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A shaky boundary is still a boundary.
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And an imperfect boundary is you making progress.
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A delayed boundary is still better than no boundary at all, right?
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If you go to the gym and it's delayed, you know, you're delayed getting to the gym, it's
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still a workout, right?
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So here, point seven, boundaries are lifelong progress or practice, I'm sorry.
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Before we wrap up, I just want to share one more thought.
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I started this boundaries journey, if you remember at the beginning of this podcast
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or this episode, I started in 2008.
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That means I've been working on it for, what is that, 18 years.
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And for some people that might sound discouraging.
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You might think, oh my gosh, Lori's been working on this for 18 years.
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I'm going to be doing this forever.
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And honestly, yes.
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Yes, she will be.
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But not because boundaries are hard and not because you're doing it wrong.
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It's because boundaries are just a part of a healthy life.
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I mean, you're not going to exercise for a month and be done, right?
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So why would we think that wouldn't be the same thing for boundaries?
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You don't eat healthy in a week and that's it.
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And so we need to stop putting this timeline and this time limit on it.
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Think about organization.
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You don't organize your house once and never have to organize it again, right?
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You don't look at your finances and do a budget once and then never have to look at it again.
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So the things that matter most in life are going to require maintenance.
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Boundaries, my friends, are no different.
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You're never going to reach a point where life stops changing, right?
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Your seasons are going to change.
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Your children are going to grow.
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Your marriage will evolve.
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Your responsibilities will even shift.
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And as your life changes, your boundaries will need to be examined.
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You're going to have to adjust them.
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You might even have to strengthen them and sometimes completely redesign them.
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And that's normal.
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The goal isn't to finish your boundaries mastery.
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The goal is to become someone who pays attention to them.
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Someone who's evaluating them or notices them when something feels off.
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Someone who's willing to make some adjustments when life changes.
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So I find that encouraging because it means that you don't have to figure out every boundary
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for the rest of your life this week.
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You don't have to get it just perfect.
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I think God's just inviting us into starting to practice the boundary He has in front of
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you right now.
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It's like one conversation, one baby no.
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One small step at a time.
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So friend, I want you to invite God along this journey.
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Ask Him what boundary you need to work on.
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And invite your friends along.
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Your support system.
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Be looking for those people in your life that you can practice these boundaries with this
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week.
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Hey friend.
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I hope you enjoyed today's episode.
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If so, would you take 30 seconds and go join our free Facebook page at Healthy Boundaries
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for Moms?
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That's where we go deeper, share what's actually working, and support each other in real life.
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I will also share some great tools and tips to help you along this journey.
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I have also included a link to sign up for our brand new weekly newsletter in the Facebook
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group.
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Don't forget to hit follow and leave a quick review on Apple.
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It really lets me know that this podcast is helping you.
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More importantly, it helps more women find this podcast.
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So go, say no to something that's stealing your peace, then say yes to something you
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actually need.
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And I'll meet you back here in the next episode.