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Transcript

SEASON 7 | WHERE WE FIT IN · SECOND CLOCK™

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  What's your true nature? Your essence?
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  What makes you tick? This journey to find out is what
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  I refer to as your second clock. It's a chance to discover,
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  experience, challenge and reconnect with what you value
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  most. Through clarity, love,
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  acceptance and reflection, you'll find your awareness.
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  And what happens when you do well, you'll find you.
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  Join me, click follow, like and subscribe and let's see where
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  this leads. I've been recording for two
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  years now, so I thought I'd take a minute to look back, but not
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  look back in a way of revisiting my story from an emotional place
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  or look back with nostalgia. I just thought it would be fun
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  and interesting to remember how far I've strayed.
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  Strayed from the life that I thought that I wanted.
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  So many of us think that we want a certain life.
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  We're told that. We're told the life we should
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  have, we should desire. We see other people's lives
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  modeled this way. People date, they fall in love,
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  they get married, have kids, and the end.
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  But after doing all that, I had so much left, so many things I
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  wanted to try and do. So the end wasn't the normal
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  end. It was just the end of a
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  chapter. The I got married chapter, I did
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  this. I never thought I was the type
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  of person that was going to leave.
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  I always prided myself on staying, holding on, trying to
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  make things work. I did it in every relationship I
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  had with my parents, with my friendships at work, but with my
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  marriage, I was the one that let go.
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  And I did it unexpectedly, and I did it simply.
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  At the time, I had no idea why Making that move was effortless.
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  I felt like I should have been crying, I should have been
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  confused, I should have been mad at myself.
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  But I wasn't. I wasn't any of those things,
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  and I didn't feel bad. All of that did not remind me of
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  me at all. But I allowed myself to be
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  whatever I was, and I now know why I was the way I was, why I
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  reacted with little to no reaction.
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  When I got married, I was young. I mentioned that a lot.
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  And like most young people, we don't know what we want.
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  We don't know why we want it, but we just know that we're
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  supposed to have it. We're supposed to desire it.
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  And so I followed in most young people's footsteps.
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  I went with what's expected. I married the perfect guy for me
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  at the time. My parents, my life, New York,
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  where I grew up, it's all pretty dramatic, pretty fast-paced,
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  pretty different than what I would find I actually really
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  like. And my husband at the time, he
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  exhibited what I needed. Then I needed calmness.
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  I needed somebody that was just stable, a safe place to be.
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  I guess there was not highs and lows with him, there was just
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  being. Just being was something that I
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  didn't get to experience growing up.
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  Even my friends wanted drama, they wanted gossip, they wanted
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  all the problems that could happen.
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  Nobody was celebrating silence and calmness and relaxing.
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  So when I found it in that relationship with him, it felt
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  cozy. It felt cozy for a long time.
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  And then one day, every conversation felt the same.
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  Everything just felt the same, and I started to feel invisible.
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  Now, a lot of women say this. A lot of women say I don't think
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  I'm anything more than the furniture.
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  And I get that. In the beginning of a
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  relationship, there's a lot of talking, a lot of connecting, a
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  lot of getting to know one another.
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  And slowly that gets replaced with mundane days.
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  And when you add work and kids into the mix, you get further
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  and further away from what you liked about that person that you
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  married in the 1st place. But now, looking back after
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  three years of being separated, I know exactly what it is that I
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  was looking for, what I needed in a relationship.
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  In any relationship, I need a connection, my form of
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  connection, which is talking and sharing.
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  Which is not surprising considering what I'm doing right
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  here, right now. But I didn't have that.
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  I had calmness and stillness and quiet in my relationship.
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  So maybe the cracks were always there.
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  The signs weren't loud and glaring, but they were there.
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  I just didn't know it until one day I found myself unexpectedly
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  talking to somebody and lighting up.
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  This was a very unfamiliar feeling, but also incredibly
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  refreshing. I felt alive, I felt seen, I
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  felt sparkly, and I wanted to indulge.
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  And I crossed the line, a line that I couldn't come back from.
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  I want to take a minute to talk about this because I'm not going
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  to bring a motion into it. I know I could and I'm not going
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  to bring judgement in. I know a lot of other people
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  will do that, so I don't need to be the one to do it.
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  I never thought of myself as somebody that was going to
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  stray. I was a committed person, the
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  person that signs up and never leaves no matter what.
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  I was going to stay the course, but I didn't.
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  I actively chose not to. I chose to cross a line.
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  I chose to try something different.
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  And I broke my loyalty with my husband.
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  But in doing so, I realized that I kept my loyalty to myself.
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  And that was something that I had never considered me.
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  Because when you consider what do you want, you have to
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  consider what you have. What don't you have?
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  What do you need? And for a lot of people, that's
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  not something easy to do. Because to do that, you have to
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  look at every part of your life. And that's when things get
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  really messy. It's not easy to examine this
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  without examining that everything's connected.
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  So when I strayed off course, I knew I wasn't coming back from
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  it. I knew that something had awoken
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  in me that I never knew I needed, I never knew existed,
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  and I never thought I could have.
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  But for a brief time, I felt it. I saw it, I experienced it, and
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  I wanted more. I wanted more of me.
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  Now that might sound a little random.
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  What does that mean? Wanting more of myself, or
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  anybody wanting more of themself?
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  I wanted to understand why it was that I had spent so long
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  kind of just going along with things, accepting what was given
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  and not asking for more or asking for different.
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  And so started a new journey. A journey to find out not just
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  what makes me tick, but what makes many people tick.
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  Why we choose the things we choose.
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  We stay longer than we should. I can now look back three years
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  later and say I get it. I get why it was that it was so
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  easy for me to walk away from a commitment that I thought I was
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  firmly rooted in. It's because I finally realized
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  that I was committed to myself too.
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  That I needed to choose me. That I needed to ask myself,
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  what do I need? What matters to me now, not what
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  matters to me when I was 24. And in doing so, I was able to
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  let go of a lot of relationships that were not right for me.
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  Maybe I had outgrown them, maybe I never saw them for what they
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  were in the 1st place, or maybe they were just going to take new
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  shape with my marriage. That's what happened.
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  My former husband and I, we came together and we decided that our
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  relationship was just going to be different, that he was going
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  to be my family, but it wasn't going to look the same.
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  I mean, I basically grew up with him and I didn't want to hurt
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  him with the decision I was making, but I didn't want to
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  hurt myself either. And for the first time, I chose
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  differently. I chose to remember myself.
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  I think we have to do that more. I've been talking to a friend
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  recently. She's been telling me all about
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  this new relationship she's in, but when she speaks, I hear it.
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  She's forgotten about herself. She's tabled what she needs,
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  what she wants, what she cares for, what she sees her future to
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  be, and she's more interested in how do I make sure that he likes
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  me? How do I make sure that he's
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  happy? How do I make sure that I get a
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  second date, 1/3 date, 1/4 date, a trip, a long weekend with him?
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  Everything is about making sure that he's fine so that she can
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  be fine. And in that I hear the
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  undercurrent of anxiousness, of people pleasing, of wanting to
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  be good so that she can be chosen, she can fail safe and
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  comfortable in whatever she's doing.
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  But when I hear her speak and I hear that anxiousness, I know
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  it's from the unknowing. And I remember the me that I was
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  not too long ago. I was always somebody that
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  carried anxiousness with me, this perpetual uneasiness.
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  I thought that was just me from the time I was little, these
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  constant inner tremors. And I thought that the way to
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  get over them was to distract myself from them by talking on
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  the phone, watching TV, seeing movies, going out.
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  I even found that calling people out and confronting things would
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  help my anxiousness subside, even if only for a little while.
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  And I hear it when I hear her. She's nervous.
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  She doesn't want to disappoint. She just wants to know where she
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  stands so that she can relax. But in doing so, she puts the
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  control in somebody else's hands.
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  It's not easy to accept what is, but I would come to find that no
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  matter how much suppressing you do, it's much easier to accept.
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  And by accepting that anxiousness leaves you release
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  the hold, the hold that unknowing has on you.
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  It's the act of holding on and trying to figure things out,
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  trying to explain things that you don't understand.
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  That's what keeps you anxious. It keeps you in that loop.
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  And when you finally just release it, let go, you get to
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  observe, see what's really going on.
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  I asked her, how do you know you want to be with this guy?
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  How do you know you want to take trips with him, build a life
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  with him? And she's like, why wouldn't I?
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  I mean, he's nice. And I said, what does he have
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  that works for you? Is he right?
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  Does he have kids? Does he want kids?
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  Do you want kids? Do you not want to take care of
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  somebody else's kids? Where does he live?
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  And when she rattled off the facts, things didn't seem
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  aligned. But for her, her immediate needs
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  were different than her long term goals.
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  I think a lot of people rest their future on what is needed
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  today. It's hard to look down the line
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  because looking down the line means asking yourself what
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  matters. That's not an easy question to
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  ask. And I say that because for the
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  last three years, that's what I've been asking.
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  I spent 40 something years not asking that question.
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  And now that's the only question that I base any of my decisions
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  on. What do I want, even down to
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  trips and the itinerary. I was talking to another friend
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  because I'm going to Japan soon. He's been there several times
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  and he said, what do you want to do?
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  And I said, what do you mean I want to go to Japan?
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  He said, OK, you've booked the ticket, so that's where you're
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  going. But when you get there, what do
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  you want to do? What do you want to see?
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  What do you want to experience? And there it was the question.
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  But here it is in context of a trip.
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  And I thought the obvious answer, I want to hit the sights
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  that everybody tells you you have to see before you leave.
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  And he said, there's so much more to do than that.
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  You can see a temple, and another, and another, and
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  another. But what about the culture?
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  Why don't you think about what it is that you like to do, what
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  you're interested in, and then figure out how you can find that
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  in Japan? What he said applies to
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  everything. Find out what it is that you
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  like, what you're interested in, and then you'll know when you
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  found it in the people that you're around.
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  You'll know when you belong somewhere when something feels
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  right. For me, when I woke into my
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  truth, it was unexpected and it was with somebody that was
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  virtually a stranger and would go back to being a stranger.
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  But what I found was my essence. I found what I was looking for
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  and I found what I never thought I needed, which was care and
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  consideration for somebody that I needed to care and consider.
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  Everybody needs to take a second and care and consider
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  themselves, bring themselves back to the surface.
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  I say this now because after going through assessing what
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  matters to me, that is, I realized that so many people
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  don't give themselves permission to ask these questions.
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  Somehow it's selfish, but I don't think so.
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  I don't think it's selfish to care about what you want, what
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  you see for your future versus what you are living, what you
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  think you could do versus what you're doing.
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  I don't think any of that is selfish.
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  I think it can be scary and I think it can be eye opening when
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  you really sit back and say, where do I fit in into this life
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  that I created? How do I like it?
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  What do I want to hold on to let go of?
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  What do I want to change? So let me take a beat and ask
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  you, what is it that you want? Really, Thanks for listening.
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  These episodes are unscripted. They're my free flowing thoughts
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  as I reflect back on past conversations, experiences, what
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  I've learned would like to do better, and what's next.
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  Join me on Thursdays for new episodes and catch up on past
• 16:05
  episodes. Click Follow, Like and subscribe
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  and let's see where this leads.