Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 258. Years of grief, a complacent partner and a fading spark: Can we get it back?

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258. Years of grief, a complacent partner and a fading spark: Can we get it back? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apologie production. I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened?
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Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much? Bring it in.
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Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. Girl, my girl, this is
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Speaker 2: the place for you.
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Speaker 1: Welcome back to Bestie episode. If you're a new here, welcome.
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Speaker 1: This is this time of the week where we talk
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Speaker 1: about one of your sticky situations you're in, where you
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Speaker 1: want real life besty advice, as if we would give
0:36
Speaker 1: each other. So what have we got today?
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Speaker 2: All right, let's get into it. The name of this
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Speaker 2: episode is years of grief, a complacent partner, and a
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Speaker 2: fading spark. Can we get it back?
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Speaker 1: Girls?
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Speaker 2: I need some bestie advice. You always say it's never
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Speaker 2: too much and to bring it in here, So here goes.
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Speaker 2: I've been with my husband for twelve years and I
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Speaker 2: just feel my husband has become complacent. Our marriage seems
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Speaker 2: to be quite meh in my eyes, and I just
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Speaker 2: want more for myself and us both. I don't have
1:02
Speaker 2: a date night. I almost find myself coaching him into
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Speaker 2: I as to what we should do. I feel like
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Speaker 2: I'm not in my feminine energy like you both always
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Speaker 2: talk about, because everything is always left up to me
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Speaker 2: It's to the point that I had a chat with
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Speaker 2: him and I was met with, well, you don't plan
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Speaker 2: the dates either. And I have told him so many
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Speaker 2: times that I want him to take the reins of
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Speaker 2: our relationship and show me that he really cares and
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Speaker 2: wants this marriage to work. I tell him weekly that
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Speaker 2: we need to date each other like it's our first
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Speaker 2: time meeting each other, like we promised in our vows.
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Speaker 2: I don't feel that I'm a priority. I find myself
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Speaker 2: doing most things around the house, while he is so
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Speaker 2: happy to just sit on his computer and do nothing
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Speaker 2: on the weekends. So I try to plan things, but
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Speaker 2: as soon as we come back home, he would rather
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Speaker 2: sit on the computer, and it drives me fucking mental.
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Speaker 2: We never used to be like this, and I genuinely
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Speaker 2: do love him, But at what point do I stop
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Speaker 2: making an effort when I hardly get the bare minimum back.
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Speaker 1: I'm a huge fan of you girls.
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Speaker 2: I'm a regular weekly listener to your podcast. I know
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Speaker 2: you always talk about having a chat, open vulnerable communication
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Speaker 2: and making that central time in your relationship to peel
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Speaker 2: back the layers to feel open vulnerable, But it almost
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Speaker 2: feels that we are just existing and definitely not thriving.
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Speaker 2: We have a surface level combo after work, how is
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Speaker 2: your day? Who did you work with today? But I
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Speaker 2: feel like all I get is closed answers back. It
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Speaker 2: does make me upset, and he knows it. But I
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Speaker 2: suppose what else can I say or do to get
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Speaker 2: him to listen. We have been through a lot in
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Speaker 2: the last four years, about marriage, losing my mom to cancer,
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Speaker 2: his mom is being an alcoholic, grief, closing my business
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Speaker 2: due to having an operation that being told from my surgeon,
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Speaker 2: I won't be able to return to my physical job
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Speaker 2: again after six years of study. My husband had a
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Speaker 2: motorbike accident last year and two injuries the year before that.
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Speaker 2: I just feel like our lives have quite literally spiraled.
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Speaker 2: I know a huge part of our breakdown comes down
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Speaker 2: to money. We have struggled for a really long time,
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Speaker 2: myself over a year needing work off unpaid, and my
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Speaker 2: husband's accidents and injuries needing months and months off work.
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Speaker 1: It's been so rough.
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Speaker 2: I feel like we almost don't know how to be
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Speaker 2: happy because we are waiting for something else to go wrong,
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Speaker 2: because it's just one thing after another, and everyone in
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Speaker 2: our life keep saying it's time for the higher power
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Speaker 2: to give us a break, and it's been hard. Our
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Speaker 2: sex life is more so the real reason why I thought,
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Speaker 2: why not get vulnerable to you both. We used to
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Speaker 2: have a really great sex life. I would find myself
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Speaker 2: in the middle of the night waking up wanting him,
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Speaker 2: feeling spontaneous, touching each other in the kitchen while cooking, etc. However,
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Speaker 2: I've always struggled with him coming way too fast and
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Speaker 2: leaving me disappointed. He will kiss me get up out
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Speaker 2: of bed once he has done, and it drives me
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Speaker 2: wild because I could only imagine if I did this
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Speaker 2: to him, he would not be impressed, and so why
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Speaker 2: would you after you doing that to your wife. It
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Speaker 2: almost makes me feel a little silly as I get
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Speaker 2: up and put my clothes on. However, I tell myself,
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Speaker 2: why do I feel silly? I'm not going to beg him.
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Speaker 2: I feel it should be something that he should want
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Speaker 2: to do for me. We've tried things like being slower
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Speaker 2: and that just turns him on more as it does
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Speaker 2: for me, and I try not to touch him as
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Speaker 2: much in the lead up and four play.
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Speaker 1: I would really like.
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Speaker 2: Your advice as to what else we could try or
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Speaker 2: what I could say to him to see my side.
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Speaker 2: I have said things like you drive me wild when
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Speaker 2: you leave me hanging like that, or today, could we
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Speaker 2: go slower because dot dot dot. More so, I have said,
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Speaker 2: how would you like it for me to give you
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Speaker 2: a hand job and at the end just pull away?
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Speaker 2: He replied with sorry, love, I won't do that again,
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Speaker 2: but he does. I've tried to say a few things now,
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Speaker 2: but any advice would be appreciated.
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Speaker 1: Ah out goodness. Well, first of you, guys have been
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Speaker 1: through a lot. It's been like h hit after hit.
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Speaker 1: My question for you is is he willing? We always
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Speaker 1: come back to the willingness. I think if you're with
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Speaker 1: someone and they are not willing to do their part,
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Speaker 1: willing to take responsibility, willing to try new things, willing
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Speaker 1: to get help, willing to put effort in for me,
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Speaker 1: it's game over. Yeah. I know that sounds so brutal,
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Speaker 1: but honest to God, if Steve was not willing to
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Speaker 1: do his.
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Speaker 2: Part, I'll be out of there, I agree.
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Speaker 1: Otherwise you are literally going to continue the same patterns
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Speaker 1: and cycles, and you're going to be just as unhappy,
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Speaker 1: if not more unhappy, in six months to a year time.
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Speaker 1: Five years time, and in my head, the older I've
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Speaker 1: gotten in, the more grief I've gone through and lost
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Speaker 1: people and gone through something like, life is too fucking
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Speaker 1: short to not be happy. I agree, you've communicated and
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Speaker 1: you've tried everything, and you were not satisfied in love,
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Speaker 1: in sex, in variety, fun, connection, growth, all those things.
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Speaker 1: A few value those and they're not willing. What else
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Speaker 1: can you do? This is two people in a relationship.
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Speaker 1: You can't do this on your own. So you are
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Speaker 1: going to grow right apart from him, and the relationship's
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Speaker 1: already done in my head, whether you stay together or not.
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Speaker 1: The relationship sounds done, but I don't know how willing
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Speaker 1: he has, Like what have you requested of him? Have
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Speaker 1: you booked in some couples counseling? Have you said, Okay,
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Speaker 1: this week, I'm doing date night. Next week you're doing
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Speaker 1: date night? And take turns like, is there ways have
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Speaker 1: you actually tried some things to bring it back in
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Speaker 1: or is it expectations that haven't been voiced enough. The
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Speaker 1: sex thing, it sounds like you're really trying, and that sucks.
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Speaker 1: I'm assuming he's not finishing her.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, ye, honestly, the sex thing, Like I know you
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Speaker 2: guys have been married for a long time, but that
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Speaker 2: would just make me feel so terrible, like that was
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Speaker 2: not No, It's definitely not it. And I can understand
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Speaker 2: how it makes you feel silly because I would feel
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Speaker 2: like not to put words in your mouth, but in
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Speaker 2: my own experience, and I can say this because I've
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Speaker 2: been through it, is feeling used, is feeling used, like oh,
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Speaker 2: like this is about him, not about me, Whereas sex
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Speaker 2: and intimacy is about togetherness, and it's about connection and
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Speaker 2: deepening that connection and creating safety and a really intimate
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Speaker 2: part of your relationship. I can't speak on the long
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Speaker 2: term relationship thing because I haven't done it for longer
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Speaker 2: than four years, So take this with a grain of salt.
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Speaker 2: But again it comes back to the willingness. See is
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Speaker 2: a relationship is a tanger It's a dance between two people.
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Speaker 2: And if only one person is driving a relationship forward,
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Speaker 2: is guaranteed to fail because you're going to be resentful
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Speaker 2: and you're going to be angry at that person for
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Speaker 2: not trying and you putting in all the effort and
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Speaker 2: then not getting anything in return. And I think women
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Speaker 2: get to this place where when they feel like they've
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Speaker 2: tried everything, they just switch off, and once they switch off,
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Speaker 2: you cannot get them back. And I experienced this in
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Speaker 2: my last relationship, where I was in the position that
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Speaker 2: you're in now and a very different and I'm not
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Speaker 2: saying it's anything the same, but I was the one
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Speaker 2: who was trying and putting in all the effort and
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Speaker 2: felt like I was the one moving the needle forward
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Speaker 2: because I wanted us to grow as a team, whereas
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Speaker 2: he just was showing me that he didn't have the
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Speaker 2: capacity and.
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Speaker 1: Also didn't want to.
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Speaker 2: He didn't want to because it's a capacity thing sometimes,
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Speaker 2: but it's also a want. I really do believe if
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Speaker 2: they wanted to, they would. And I understand the whole
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Speaker 2: concept and the conversation around being lenient with somebody's trauma,
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Speaker 2: but it's a different thing to be lenient with somebody's
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Speaker 2: trauma when they are willing yes, because they're saying, this
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Speaker 2: is what's coming up for me. I'm really struggling here,
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Speaker 2: but I'm here with you, and I want to make
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Speaker 2: this work, so let's figure it out together, versus like
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Speaker 2: making excuses for someone's behavior as to why they're not
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Speaker 2: showing up and pouring into the relationship in the way
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Speaker 2: that you actually deserve to be met.
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Speaker 1: And I hear you on the using thing, was that
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Speaker 1: could be true for me? When I hear that a
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Speaker 1: man's not wanting to do that, I just think lazy
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Speaker 1: and selfish. I don't even think using. I'm just likeing lazy.
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Speaker 1: That's probably my previous words. So sure, And it could
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Speaker 1: be either, it could be both, it could be something else,
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Speaker 1: but I just hear like lazy and selfish, like you're
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Speaker 1: in your own head, Like imagine exactly what she said.
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Speaker 1: If she gave him a blowjover a hand job and
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Speaker 1: didn't actually finish him, he would just sit there and
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Speaker 1: be like, oh yeah, put my clothes back on, and
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Speaker 1: he's going to be hard as robbing, Like what the
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Speaker 1: fuck you're leaving me like this?
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Speaker 2: And then can it even be a conversation of him
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Speaker 2: giving you full play and like playing with you first
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Speaker 2: before you even touch him, and then going into sex
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Speaker 2: straight after that certain at least you're being taken care
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Speaker 2: of and then he can finish later, Oh he doesn't
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Speaker 2: want to.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's my question. That's what concerns me too, because
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Speaker 1: is you lazy and selfish? And also the desire thing
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Speaker 1: like does he not have a desire to do that
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Speaker 1: with you anymore? And this is where things change. Like
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Speaker 1: I always say, like, we're not made to fall in
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Speaker 1: love with one person, and sometimes the chapter's over and
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Speaker 1: I'm not saying that is for you, but these are
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Speaker 1: questions I would be asking myself. Are we not aligned
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Speaker 1: anymore in our values? And I know you did your vows,
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Speaker 1: but things can change.
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Speaker 2: People change.
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Speaker 1: People change. It's what they desire, what they want, the
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Speaker 1: level of effort, the level of willingness, and that is
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Speaker 1: all things to look at and conversations to be had.
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Speaker 1: And I think when you're in a long term relationship,
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Speaker 1: and I can speak on this because I've been with
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Speaker 1: Steve for eighteen years now literally next week, eighteen years
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Speaker 1: in our anniversary, it's changed so fucking much. What I
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Speaker 1: needed and wanted and desired and crave from Steve when
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Speaker 1: I was nineteen when I met him to now thirty seven,
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Speaker 1: world's apart. And it's a continuous conversation of checking in.
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Speaker 1: And that's in day to day things, that's in sex life,
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Speaker 1: that's in work, that's in how we look at growth
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Speaker 1: together even like human needs. For example, Steve used to
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Speaker 1: always like variety was his number one thing, and like
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Speaker 1: the uncertainty, the excitement of life. He's the opposite now
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Speaker 1: it is all about certainty. He is not a big
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Speaker 1: risk taker anymore. Hetability, stability, family, home like. He's a
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Speaker 1: different man to he was five years ago. Not one's
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Speaker 1: bad or good or right or wrong. It's just different
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Speaker 1: and you have to adapt and check in and consistently
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Speaker 1: make sure that you guys are still on a path together.
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Speaker 1: And even if you weren't, it doesn't mean they're a
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Speaker 1: bad person. No, you're just wanting different things, and that's okay.
10:01
Speaker 2: What highlights in all of this to me, even with
10:02
Speaker 2: the sex stuff, for me, that shows a lack consideration,
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Speaker 2: and that's a bigger thing than just the physical ideas.
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Speaker 2: That to me shows character. And if I'm looking at
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Speaker 2: my life partner, do I value a partner who is
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Speaker 2: considerate of my feelings, my experience and also how I
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Speaker 2: feel in this relationship dynamic Because consideration, to me is
10:21
Speaker 2: a huge value in relationships. And if it's not there,
10:24
Speaker 2: like you feel it in these moments. And so I
10:27
Speaker 2: wonder what the question is for you of you've changed,
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Speaker 2: You've gone through a lot of grief, What you want
10:32
Speaker 2: now is different? So can you get clear on what
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Speaker 2: it is that you actually want and expect out of
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Speaker 2: a relationship now and what you need to move forward?
10:39
Speaker 2: And checking in with yourself, like, is this relationship emulating
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Speaker 2: what it is that I want and value at this
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Speaker 2: stage of my life? Yes, at this version of myself?
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Speaker 2: And then is that the conversation asking him what his
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Speaker 2: expectations are for the relationship, what he wants and needs,
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Speaker 2: what you want and need? Bring them together and go
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Speaker 2: do we still aligne after all these years?
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Speaker 1: And it's a hard decision to make and it's a
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Speaker 1: hard conversation to have. It's also really hard to keep
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Speaker 1: doing what you're doing. Yeah, going to get worse if
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Speaker 1: you don't have these conversations and maybe make a big decision.
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Speaker 1: Horrible spot to be. And I really feel for you
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Speaker 1: what you're going through. But the willingness is my big question.
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Speaker 1: We don't have that context. It's hard for us to say.
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Speaker 1: But if he's not willing and wanting to change and
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Speaker 1: work with you, what do you do with that?
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Speaker 2: Yeah?
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Speaker 1: You either stay and settle and accept that's just who
11:23
Speaker 1: years and how things are going to be. And are
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Speaker 1: you okay, feeling unhappy like this and unsatisfied or do
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Speaker 1: you go actually like when not aligned anymore? And I
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Speaker 1: can love you, but not in this dynamic.
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Speaker 2: And also as well, the longer that you accept it,
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Speaker 2: the more that you teach yourself that that's all you deserve,
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Speaker 2: and when you're added to get out, yeah, for sure.
11:39
Speaker 2: And also when it comes to like kids and being
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Speaker 2: a role model, you're also teaching them that that's the
11:44
Speaker 2: standard that they will have to accept in their relationships too.
11:46
Speaker 2: And I think that I imagine as a parent would be
11:48
Speaker 2: a really hard pill to swallow, even more of a
11:51
Speaker 2: really positive driver to be the best version of yourself
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Speaker 2: for you and also for them.
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Speaker 1: Definitely, that's a tough one. Sending you so much love,
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Speaker 1: and I just want you to know you're deserving of
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Speaker 1: getting all the love or your needs or your desires
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Speaker 1: met and having someone who is a willing teammate, a
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Speaker 1: willing player in this game of life that you're playing
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Speaker 1: with them.
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Speaker 2: And something else as well, I want you to give
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Speaker 2: yourself permission to want for more, like you're not wrong
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Speaker 2: for wanting more out of your dynamic. And something else
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Speaker 2: that just popped into my head is I want to
12:23
Speaker 2: know if you are actually doing anything for yourself right now. Like, yes,
12:26
Speaker 2: the relationship might not be where you want it to be,
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Speaker 2: and you're really leaning on that because it's your safe place.
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Speaker 2: But what can you instill in your life that's going
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Speaker 2: to bring you a little bit more fulfilment? Is it
12:37
Speaker 2: a little bit more time with the girls? Is it
12:38
Speaker 2: creating new friendships? Is it going to the yoga class
12:41
Speaker 2: on the Saturday morning, is it going for a thirty
12:43
Speaker 2: minute walk on a Monday morning before work? Like, what
12:46
Speaker 2: are some things that you can start doing without anything
12:49
Speaker 2: changing in your external world or relationships that you can
12:52
Speaker 2: do for yourself that's going to help bring you back
12:54
Speaker 2: up instead of relying on somebody else to be your
12:57
Speaker 2: source of happiness. There's got to be some change within
13:00
Speaker 2: you as well, because I think that's going to make
13:02
Speaker 2: you a really resourceful person. And then maybe the way
13:05
Speaker 2: that you show up in your relationship or the way
13:08
Speaker 2: you attack this problem might actually you might find some
13:11
Speaker 2: more opportunities that are kind of hiding in plain sight
13:13
Speaker 2: of what to do next.
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Speaker 1: For sure, And it might also just give you the
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Speaker 1: stabilizers and the strength to decide this isn't for you.
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Speaker 1: And that you're going to be okay in your own
13:21
Speaker 1: when you're in their energy of filling your own cup
13:23
Speaker 1: up and being in alignment and doing things that make
13:25
Speaker 1: you happy. I feel like you attract more people that
13:28
Speaker 1: are on that same vibration as you. Yeah, including maybe
13:31
Speaker 1: your future partner. A lot of questions to ask yourself
13:33
Speaker 1: and a lot of conversations to have with him, a
13:35
Speaker 1: lot to reflect on.
13:36
Speaker 2: Absolutely, send us a follow up and on a submission.
13:40
Speaker 2: We would love to hear from you, and yeah, let
13:42
Speaker 2: us know how you go, if you have the conversation,
13:45
Speaker 2: what you talk about, or if you need a little
13:47
Speaker 2: bit of support in how to have the conversation. Pop
13:49
Speaker 2: that in the BESTIAS submission as well. Definitely, and I
13:52
Speaker 2: can help you with that.
13:53
Speaker 1: Yeah. I don't think ever leave like a relationship until
13:56
Speaker 1: you are one hundred percent you can reflect and go.
13:59
Speaker 1: I have tried everything in my power to make this work,
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Speaker 1: because I think if you were to leave and you
14:03
Speaker 1: haven't tried everything, you'd be like, oh, maybe I should
14:05
Speaker 1: have booked counseling, and maybe I should have worted that differently,
14:07
Speaker 1: and maybe I should have had more compassion here, or
14:09
Speaker 1: maybe I could have done this. You know you've tried everything,
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Speaker 1: and you've been so willing, so considerate, so adaptable, and
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Speaker 1: they haven't met you. There, you know you can put
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Speaker 1: your hands with some guy. I really really try what it.
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Speaker 1: I love you, but I love me just as much,
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Speaker 1: and this isn't for me anymore.
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Speaker 2: Love.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, it'sending you so much.
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Speaker 2: Love.
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Speaker 1: Bye. I see you guys Monday. Bye