Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 52: From Beliefs to Behavior

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52: From Beliefs to Behavior · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:00
  Yeah, I got a question for you. This is going to be a weird way
• 0:01
  to start off the podcast, but what do you guys think about
• 0:05
  people who believe that the Earth is flat?
• 0:08
  Weird way you're like, I thought we talked about like impulsive
• 0:11
  behavior or Luke or betrayal. But I got something I want to
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  talk to you about today and see what you think about it.
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  And this is enough necessarily whether the Earth is flat or
• 0:20
  not, but what do you guys think about people to believe that the
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  Earth is flat? That's what we're going to get
• 0:25
  into today is something around that.
• 0:31
  Welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
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  I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
• 0:36
  in this space today. What we're going to be doing is
• 0:38
  diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
• 0:42
  authenticity. Becoming your true self isn't
• 0:44
  about a single action or a moment.
• 0:47
  It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
• 0:50
  the rich connection and meaning that our life has to offer.
• 0:53
  So whether this is your first time tuning in or you're a
• 0:55
  regular listener, know this, what you're building here goes
• 0:59
  beyond a conversation. You're here to challenge, to
• 1:01
  change, and to celebrate the incredible journey of becoming
• 1:05
  your authentic self. Because when you dare to show up
• 1:07
  fully, the rewards are immeasurable.
• 1:09
  So welcome to Beyond the Facade. Let's get started.
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  OK, everybody, someday this is going to come back to this
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  analogy is going to come back to bite me, but we'll just play
• 1:18
  with it for now. The question I ask you is what
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  do you guys think about people that believe the Earth is flat?
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  So the Earth isn't flat, at least I don't think it is.
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  But to people that believe it is, it feels absolutely real.
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  OK, but how can that feel so real?
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  And they recognize there's a I'm just going to say this is an
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  after there's a decent amount of people that actually, or there's
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  a percentage of people that do believe that the Earth is flat.
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  So I'm not trying to get into whether it is or not, but I want
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  to bring something up for you to noodle on and think about.
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  People that do believe it is because they built their whole
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  world around that belief. You can look at YouTube videos
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  on it, you can watch videos, there's communities around this,
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  there's articles, and they have more than believed it because
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  they've reinforced it and they found evidence that works for
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  them and then they're able to form a belief around that.
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  So that's how beliefs work. They don't have to be true to
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  shape your life, right? They just have to be reinforced
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  and we have to find evidence for that, evidence that works for
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  us. And that's what we're going to
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  explore today, how your beliefs have shaped you and how you
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  begin to rewrite them. Because what I noticed in my own
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  journey is, holy crap, the reason why I'm here where I'm at
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  today is because of what I believe.
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  Because I believe I am unworthy, that the people really knew
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  about what I was doing. They wouldn't love me.
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  So that was my belief and I shaped my world around it and I
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  found evidence to back that up. I think particularly what my
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  partner would say, I will listen to the words that she would say
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  that provided evidence of C. She won't accept me if I give
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  her real. There was also a lot of evidence
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  that wasn't true, but that's not what my belief is about.
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  Let me give you some key points here.
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  So a belief system, let's just define it.
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  Belief system is a set of ideas that you accept is true.
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  So it's unconscious, but it's incredibly powerful.
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  And beliefs come from interpretations, not necessarily
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  truth. So their emotional conclusions
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  drawn out of painful experiences, not rational fact.
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  If you had the really unfortunate experience of one of
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  your parents leaving or some separation, so if your dad left,
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  the belief might become if I were lovable, he would have
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  stayed. You didn't choose that belief.
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  It was formed as your brain tried to make sense of the pain
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  that you experience through a parent leaving.
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  So that's heavy, right? The belief system was formed
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  trying to make sense of it as a little person.
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  So we want to just recognize that trauma and the birth of
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  beliefs are tied together. So let's just introduce this
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  sequence, OK? We have an experience, there's
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  an interpretation of that experience.
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  There's emotion and that leads to a belief.
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  OK, experience, interpretation, emotion, belief.
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  My experience was as I was bullied middle school.
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  My interpretation of that is this.
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  I'm weak and I don't belong. The emotion I experience is
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  shame. And now my belief is I'm
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  unworthy and unsafe. So I need to show up ways that
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  are going to make me more worthy and more safe.
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  I got to be worthy to feel safe. So we'll dive into that.
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  But most of your deepest beliefs were born in a moment when you
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  were trying to survive. So you're going through life,
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  especially as a little person growing up, and you were trying
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  to make it through this experience and you believed and
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  you weren't thinking clearly. And if you would step back and
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  examine those experiences, you'll notice that they're
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  running your life today. What was formed earlier through
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  experiences. So what you might have adopted
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  as a little guy really is running your life.
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  No matter how old you are, if you're 3444546474, that belief
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  system is just, it's everything, right?
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  I want to go back to some previous podcast we've had
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  before on what we call the addictive system.
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  We've been going through this a lot in Group lately and some of
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  our groups, which is let's explore what the addictive
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  system is because a lot of us are here because we cheated on
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  our partner or we got caught acting outside of our values.
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  But that's not the problem. The problem wasn't that I was
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  looking at porn. Problem wasn't that I cheated my
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  partner. Yes, that is a problem, but it's
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  not the actual root of what we're experiencing.
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  So here's the addictive system in play.
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  And last do with beliefs is there's a shame based belief
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  system. OK, so I'm not enough, no one
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  will love me. There's a belief about myself.
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  That belief is fueled or followed, I guess I should say,
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  by impaired thinking. OK, so if it's I'm not enough,
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  no one will love me. There has to be some impaired
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  thinking behind it. So I'm going to always be this
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  way. I need this to survive this
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  thing that helps me feel like I'm enough, that belief system.
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  And I feel like I really need to elaborate more on what the
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  impaired thinking is. But again, if the if the belief
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  system is I'm not enough, the impaired thinking is in order
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  for me to feel like I'm enough, I need to go find somebody that
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  tells me I am. I need to show up in a way that
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  helps them see that I'm going to know if I need to get that
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  validation. That's all the impaired thinking
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  that fuels that belief system. OK, that leads into the
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  addiction cycle, which is the preoccupation.
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  That's the like the ruminating thoughts of I'm feeling like the
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  sense of worthlessness. What can I do?
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  The ritualization, which is, which is the process that I fall
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  into to feel validated to the acting out itself, to betraying
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  myself through some type of acting out that's outside of my
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  values to the ultimately is fueled by that belief system,
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  which turns into shame and despair, which leads to
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  unmanageability, which is after I'm in that addictive cycle when
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  it's no longer working, I can't get my needs met, even if it's
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  through acting out. Then I'm like, Oh my gosh, my
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  life is so unmanageable that now reinforces the belief system
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  that I'm not enough. See, after all this stuff just
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  reinforces what I believe. OK, so this system it just like
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  it's self reinforcing. So the core problem isn't the
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  behavior itself we talk about all the time.
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  Horn isn't the problem. To break the cycle, you have to
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  challenge the first layer. You have to challenge your
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  belief system. OK, that's the first part.
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  You can't change anything else until you recognize and start to
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  learn and know what the belief system is.
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  I'm just going to give you some just kind of visually put this
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  on a whiteboard for yourself actually, like I could give you
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  a handout. I'll give you these four pieces,
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  which are typically very, very common parts of sexual
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  compulsive behavior. Sexually acting out when there's
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  hiding in secrecy is first one is, is I am bad at not a worthy.
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  That's a belief system. I'm going to give you 4 things
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  that are they're very common in this world.
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  OK, first one, I am a bad and worthy person.
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  Wrote that up on the white bird. The second one I'd write down is
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  if people really knew me, they wouldn't love me.
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  That's a common belief. The next one is I must meet my
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  own needs. No one else will.
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  I can't rely on other people. Which is kind of like I need to
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  just try harder to figure this out.
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  I've just got to do better. I got to meet those own needs.
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  I'm going to find this inside of me.
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  Remember, these are faulty core beliefs #4 I'm right up on this
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  not real whiteboard, which is sex is my most important need,
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  without it I'll die. That sounds exaggerated, but and
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  replace sex with whatever it is that we were hiding or was
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  compulsive. There was so much risk around.
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  It's my most important need. Without it I'll die.
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  And if you're like, I really don't buy off on that Luke,
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  that's fine, I get it. Just notice the risk associated
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  with it. How much you said I won't do
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  this anymore or hated yourself because you did it and you went
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  back to it anyway? OK, so those are the beliefs,
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  right? Those are some common beliefs,
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  but we can replace them with anything.
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  Any belief that we want to. We're just going to notice what
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  it gives us. So which of these has felt true
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  for you at some point? Which of those really resonated?
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  Grab one of them. So those beliefs, as we go
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  through the rest of this, these beliefs are, they're the engine
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  of this addictive system. So every time you act out, the
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  shame is going to reinforce them.
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  So what we want to do is we want to start to map out our old
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  beliefs. OK, so identify 1 core belief
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  that you hold grab one. Identify what that core beliefs.
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  I'm not enough. And then what we want to do, and
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  we might be able to do this on our own, but most likely we're
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  going to need somebody else, therapist, coach, group, but
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  really somebody that's really can guide us through this.
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  But where did that come from? Where did that belief exist?
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  When did it first grab a hold of me and what was the experience
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  that the planet it, right? If I go back to it, what was it
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  And what has this belief cost you?
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  So let's just map it out. Let me give you those again,
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  like there's this white board you could go through, identify
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  one of those core beliefs. The second thing is, where do
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  you think it came from? The third one is what was the
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  experience that planted it? And the fourth one is, is what
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  has this belief cost you? What we believe is what we
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  reinforce. Your brain is wired to confirm
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  what it already believes. So it's just going to cement
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  that bugger. This is called confirmation
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  bias. You will always find proof for
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  what you already think is true. That's all we need is we just
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  need evidence. Like when I drive down the road,
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  you know, that guy cuts me off and I go, I think something in
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  my head, I believe something about that situation and I find
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  something to reinforce it. And I drive next to him and I
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  look at him and sure enough, guess what I think I can see is
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  he's on his phone. So what I believe is he's I just
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  found something that reinforces like he's a jerk, like he's
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  unsafe person, like he doesn't care about anybody else.
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  I find evidence to back that up. What I believe, is it true?
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  Accurate. Yeah, Probably not.
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  Not the exact way I think it is. Here's another exercise that I'd
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  invite you to do. Choose the one belief you
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  identified earlier. I want you to ask, is this
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  objectively true? Who gave that to me?
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  Do I want to keep it? Then we get a chance to go.
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  Obviously, often no. I should probably say it's a
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  resounding no. What I believe is that I'm a bad
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  guy. Who gave that to me?
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  I recognize that through countless experiences, starting
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  in as a teenager of me being told that my behaviour is bad
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  and going back to it again and again and again, and I started
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  to believe that I'm a bad guy. Then do I want to keep it?
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  Hell no. OK, so if we're not going to
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  keep it, that can sound like a big deal.
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  How do I get rid of that? So it's a vacuum.
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  If you leave that hole, you just leave that hole.
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  Something's going to fall out of the place, right?
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  It's impossible to leave it just empty with nothing to replace it
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  with. There's a new belief there,
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  which is if it's I'm not worthy, maybe the new belief is I'm
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  growing and I'm healing or I am worthy for whatever reason is.
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  So identify ways to reinforce that belief.
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  Write it down, put it in different places.
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  Put it on your mirror in your bathroom, put it on your wall in
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  your closet where you get dressed.
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  Put it next to your bed. Put it in your wallet.
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  Put it work next to the screen on your computer where you can
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  see it because we're going to reinforce it.
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  What am I going to say to myself?
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  Maybe the old belief is I can't depend on anyone.
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  My new belief is I'm learning to let other people support me.
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  I'm learning to let other guys in.
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  And then you reinforce that by going about it and finding new
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  ways by asking group members to check in through the week,
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  journaling how you actually are connecting with other people,
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  saying each morning connection is safe.
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  And that will be the new evidence that oh, there is a new
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  belief in place. It doesn't change without
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  evidence. It doesn't change without things
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  to back it up. Remember, we get to choose what
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  we believe. My invitation to you today is to
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  just reflect on what stood out to you today.
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  When you think about beliefs, how much are you even aware that
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  faulty beliefs are the roots of behavior that is outside my
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  values? So it shapes it leave shape your
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  behavior and it's the most powerful thing you can change.
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  The most powerful thing that you can change is what you believe.
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  Because when you change that, you can change everything
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  downstream of that. You can't change anything
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  upstream. You can't change behavior
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  without changing beliefs. You are handed a belief system,
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  but today you get to choose a new one, all right, and you get
• 14:18
  to start to implement something new.
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  So anyway, it's good to spend time with you.
• 14:24
  I'd love to share with you what's upcoming and we have
• 14:27
  something really unique coming up in June.
• 14:31
  So for those of you who are in the healing profession, who is
• 14:36
  helping take care of other people, therapists, coaches
• 14:40
  especially, but even if you're a nurse working in the medical
• 14:44
  field, if you spend your time catering to everyone else and
• 14:48
  holding their pain and helping them through their heart, we
• 14:51
  have an intensive just for you. This is called the heal the
• 14:55
  Healer. And of Oh well, I love all my
• 14:59
  intensives, but this one holds such a special place in my heart
• 15:03
  because in Heal the Healer, it's where the healer gets to come
• 15:07
  and for a moment, set everything down and let you be taken care
• 15:11
  of. And this isn't where you're
• 15:13
  going to come do a ton of workshops and lots of learning
• 15:16
  and have to stretch your brain. It's just where you get to come
• 15:20
  relax. You get to kick your feet up and
• 15:23
  have other professionals there ready to take care of you and
• 15:27
  cater to you. We have a gorgeous lodge, house,
• 15:32
  resort property that's all ours that has holes and saunas and
• 15:39
  ponds and paths and trails, and it's tucked in the Wasatch
• 15:42
  Mountains. We have a gorgeous place to
• 15:44
  stay. All of your meals are included,
• 15:47
  activities are included. They'll be time for fun if you
• 15:50
  want to participate in that, and also time for downtime and rest.
• 15:54
  And best of all, you get that connection with other strong
• 15:58
  women who are holding it all together for somebody else and
• 16:02
  who are ready to be taken care of.
• 16:03
  So invest in you, take care of you.
• 16:07
  We would love to have you there. I would love to hang out with
• 16:09
  you and come with us in June to heal the healer.
• 16:17
  Hey, thanks for joining us today.
• 16:19
  If this is something that you connected with, I'd love to meet
• 16:22
  with you more and talk about it. So what you can do is go to
• 16:24
  chooserecoveryservices.com or check the show notes and there
• 16:28
  what we can do is set up a quick conversation meeting.
• 16:31
  Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we
• 16:33
  unmask the authentic self.