Latest / Questionable Detour / Drinking pee in a business meeting, having a very special relationship with a janitor, and being addicted to sneezes.

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Drinking pee in a business meeting, having a very special relationship with a janitor, and being addicted to sneezes. · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:25
  Okay.
• 0:25
  How strong are you?
• 0:26
  Don't worry about that.
• 0:27
  Muscle man.
• 0:28
  I mean, I just, I know how physics works, you know, and I don't know how to use that to my advantage.
• 0:32
  No, you don't.
• 0:33
  He's never struck me as a big science guy.
• 0:35
  Listen, E equals more things.
• 0:39
  And that's something I know.
• 0:43
  Our next choice for you to drag was going to be a cement truck in neutral.
• 0:46
  It's good to know, good to know that we can't quite get there yet.
• 0:49
  If you drug a cement truck in neutral, you would have so many middle-aged bald dads just impressed with you.
• 0:55
  They'd be like, look at all that raw power.
• 0:57
  Look at all that band.
• 0:59
  They'd be saying raw a lot.
• 1:03
  Like just raw power, but he eats raw eggs.
• 1:07
  Yeah, they'd just be sitting in front of that, that rope watching you doing the stupid strongman competition, heavy breathing, just living vicariously through you.
• 1:17
  They'd probably say something like, you know, I probably could have done that if I didn't have that old football injury.
• 1:21
  If I didn't blow out my knee in 95.
• 1:25
  You know, I wanted to go to desert storm, but uh,
• 1:29
  Make it sound like a movie.
• 1:33
  Like you just missed the ticket call.
• 1:37
  I had carpal tunnel.
• 1:41
  Yeah, they were just nudging their wives and being like, don't look, don't look at him.
• 1:45
  Do you think you relate to middle-aged men?
• 1:47
  I feel like one kind of already.
• 1:49
  You feel like one. Okay.
• 1:51
  You don't feel one though.
• 1:53
  No, not anymore.
• 1:55
  Do you want to elaborate on that?
• 1:57
  Yeah, yeah. Go ahead and tell us how you feel.
• 1:59
  It was a rough breakup and separation.
• 2:01
  Wow.
• 2:03
  How else do you impress a middle-aged man other than your cement truck pooling?
• 2:07
  Like is there other way to it?
• 2:09
  Like really impress a middle-aged man?
• 2:11
  I think a well-cut lawn, number one, is what you're, how you're impressing a middle-aged man.
• 2:15
  Yeah, but also just doing something without looking like you're confused at all.
• 2:21
  If you can just have just a little bit of confidence, they'll think, oh, he's got it.
• 2:25
  You got it. I got to worry about it.
• 2:27
  I think knowing types of wood.
• 2:29
  Yeah, I was going to say knowing trees.
• 2:31
  If you walk into a house with a middle-aged man and you just kind of knock on a piece of wood and go, that's oak.
• 2:37
  It's a good piece of oak. I think he's going to be like, I like this guy.
• 2:39
  He's probably going to say you're a class act. I feel like it's a middle-aged man thing to say.
• 2:42
  I think also if you have a phone holder that attaches to your belt, I think that's a very big middle-aged man thing to have.
• 2:49
  You want easy access. That's kind of the name of the game.
• 2:51
  They want easy access, yet they have so many pockets on their shorts with the cargo shorts.
• 2:56
  That's just utility.
• 2:57
  Well, now a cargo short is kind of more for long-term storage.
• 3:01
  The phone on your hip is a quick draw. You keep things.
• 3:04
  What do you call? What does a middle-aged man calling that quickly?
• 3:07
  You keep the stuff that you're not always going to get into in your cargo short pockets, like a half-eaten bag of peanuts.
• 3:16
  You're keeping that for later. When you get a little hungry.
• 3:21
  A little snacky. A middle-aged man would never say snacky though.
• 3:24
  No, no, he wouldn't. He wouldn't.
• 3:25
  What are you calling? As a middle-aged man, why do you need your phone quickly? Are you calling your financial advisor?
• 3:30
  Calling your wife to see if things are done?
• 3:32
  Just in general.
• 3:33
  How's the house? Are things done?
• 3:34
  It's not up to you. You won't be able to get it out quick.
• 3:37
  Because as a middle-aged man, you have a false sense of importance.
• 3:40
  Somebody's going to call you.
• 3:42
  You want to be responsive as you can, as quickly as you can. So they know that you care.
• 3:47
  If it's your kid, you open it up with, you just start the conversation.
• 3:51
  How much is this going to cost me?
• 3:53
  Then any other dad around, you're immediately on the same page as them.
• 3:57
  They're like, I've had that phone call before. I get it. I get it.
• 4:01
  When do you start wearing socks with sandals? When does that become a thing as a middle-aged man? And why?
• 4:05
  Why socks and sandals? Why is that a thing that happens?
• 4:08
  I think it's because a lot of grown men are not comfortable with their feet.
• 4:11
  Right. But even why wear sandals at that point?
• 4:13
  They want to breeze. They want to feel the breeze. There's not much time left in the world in their life.
• 4:18
  And they got to feel the wind when they can.
• 4:20
  That's right.
• 4:21
  Is that their midlife crisis? They're like, I want to try some sandals.
• 4:24
  But I'm going to wear socks because I'm not gay.
• 4:27
  What do you think we cross that that middle-aged man rainbow? Not the gay rainbow.
• 4:32
  No, no, no.
• 4:33
  Just, you know, that bridge, so to speak.
• 4:35
  What do you think Evan's getting his first phone clip?
• 4:37
  First kid, probably.
• 4:39
  Because you got to call a baby.
• 4:40
  To be honest with you, I think Evan's looking for a reason to get that first phone clip.
• 4:44
  What's preventing you, Evan, from getting the first phone clip?
• 4:47
  He just needs even half a reason to get it. He just hadn't come across that yet.
• 4:51
  I'm on the edge. Every day I'm like looking him up on Amazon, but I haven't pressed buy yet.
• 4:56
  I have about 16 saved in my lists.
• 4:59
  Your cart, yeah. It's sitting in your cart. You're just ready to hit purchase.
• 5:03
  He says, he's sitting here. He's like, Savannah, how weird are these?
• 5:06
  These are so weird, right?
• 5:08
  He's looking for validation.
• 5:10
  Just waiting for it to be like, not that weird.
• 5:13
  Is that it? Is that the answer?
• 5:16
  Then he's like, well, if it's not that weird, I guess I'll get one then.
• 5:18
  I could see that being useful. Oh, yeah, me too.
• 5:21
  Some age men cross over that bridge from fashion to functionality.
• 5:26
  At some point you don't care anymore. It's got to just be functional.
• 5:29
  Do y'all grunt getting out of a chair?
• 5:31
  Apparently I do, but I don't notice it.
• 5:33
  Do you? I think that's classic middle-aged men.
• 5:35
  I think, yeah. They don't notice it either.
• 5:37
  You fall right into it.
• 5:38
  Is a long deep sigh the same thing as a grunt?
• 5:40
  I think that's just depression incarnate.
• 5:43
  Maybe I got the morbs. Who knows?
• 5:47
  Evan also has a camper, which is pretty bad.
• 5:50
  It is middle-aged men, yeah.
• 5:51
  It's pretty bad to have an alternative kind of vehicle.
• 5:55
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 5:56
  I mean, that's closer to a retirement item than anything else.
• 6:01
  I mean, it's classic retirement form to have an RV or such, you know?
• 6:06
  Okay, we can also act like Alan didn't just have a camper.
• 6:09
  But he doesn't. Sold it.
• 6:11
  But he doesn't now. Gone.
• 6:12
  That's also a dad thing, to sell something he's not using.
• 6:14
  Okay, fair enough. Fair enough.
• 6:18
  I don't know if that had to be that none of us are fathers.
• 6:20
  Middle-aged man thing is to sell something you're not using anymore.
• 6:25
  Because young men would just keep it.
• 6:28
  Yeah, yeah.
• 6:29
  The middle-aged man would find it financially responsible.
• 6:33
  I got to sell the camper.
• 6:35
  That's true.
• 6:36
  It might be more middle-aged men to sell the camper.
• 6:38
  Yeah. All right.
• 6:39
  Now that I think about it, because it's not only the fact that you have a camper,
• 6:43
  you also had to take into account the functionality of the camper or the lack thereof.
• 6:47
  And then the financial responsibility to sell it.
• 6:49
  Because I think you're right.
• 6:51
  Because I can't count how many conversations I've had where it's like,
• 6:54
  yeah, I had to sell the camper.
• 6:57
  You know, we just weren't using it.
• 6:59
  We couldn't keep it at the house.
• 7:01
  We had to keep it 30 minutes away.
• 7:03
  We just weren't using it.
• 7:04
  It just didn't make sense for us.
• 7:06
  It just didn't make sense.
• 7:08
  I think bird watching.
• 7:09
  Bird watching could be a middle-aged man.
• 7:12
  Or just knowing birds. Like understanding the calls of birds.
• 7:14
  I've gotten into bird identification recently.
• 7:17
  And by recently, I mean the past like six months.
• 7:20
  We got some bird feeders for the sunroom right there.
• 7:22
  God, we're falling.
• 7:23
  Here it is.
• 7:24
  Falling headfirst into it, boys.
• 7:27
  I have six bags of bird feed back there.
• 7:29
  Because Savannah bought me the bird feeder for my birthday.
• 7:33
  And then bought like...
• 7:34
  God, that's a middle-aged thing right there.
• 7:36
  If you want to tell me that birthday was your 49th birthday,
• 7:40
  I'm going to let it make sense.
• 7:41
  You got a bird feeder for your birthday?
• 7:42
  Yeah.
• 7:43
  We have two red-shouldered hawks that live in our backyard.
• 7:46
  No, red-shouldered hawk.
• 7:47
  Those are birds and not a Native American neighbor.
• 7:51
  Yeah, those are birds and not someone's given name by the Chickasaw tribe.
• 8:01
  But we didn't talk enough about cargo shorts.
• 8:04
  And the reason they exist and what you could carry in cargo shorts.
• 8:07
  I feel like for cargo shorts for a middle-aged man, it's nice.
• 8:10
  Because you can carry the 4,000 keys on a ring that you have.
• 8:14
  So wait, you're assuming that they're not on a carabiner clip to their belt loop?
• 8:18
  Oh, that's a good point. They would.
• 8:20
  That's what I would think.
• 8:21
  That's why I'm not a middle-aged man yet.
• 8:22
  Because I didn't immediately think of that.
• 8:23
  I'm still carrying my keys in my pocket like an infant.
• 8:26
  Yeah.
• 8:27
  And you got your Swiss Army knife.
• 8:28
  Sure.
• 8:29
  Yeah, your multi-tool.
• 8:30
  But, you know, they have the multi-tools that come in that little Velcro belt loop deal.
• 8:37
  Before long, you're like Batman.
• 8:38
  Essentially, yeah.
• 8:39
  Yeah, you just have your go belt.
• 8:40
  Is that what all middle-aged men are going for, is Batman?
• 8:43
  What's the difference in a middle-aged man and Batman?
• 8:45
  Batman is a middle-aged man, but not every middle-aged man is Batman.
• 8:49
  Right.
• 8:50
  That is true. That's another middle-aged thing.
• 8:52
  Having a ton of keys. And they don't know.
• 8:55
  They'll act like they know which key goes to what, but they've lost track of the keys on the ring.
• 9:00
  They don't know where anything goes.
• 9:01
  You think they don't know?
• 9:02
  I'm skeptical.
• 9:03
  How many keys do you have on your key ring right now?
• 9:06
  Look at this, un-middle-aged. This is not a middle-aged man key set.
• 9:09
  That's a man without responsibility.
• 9:11
  That's true. Your keys is proportional with the amount of responsibility you have.
• 9:16
  Okay, I have one, two, three, and four counting my car key.
• 9:20
  So I have five, but hold on. There's a secondary ring.
• 9:24
  There's a secondary responsibility ring, if you will, that I keep in my truck.
• 9:29
  So it's always there in case I need it.
• 9:32
  How many keys do you have on that?
• 9:34
  Four.
• 9:35
  Okay, so you have nine.
• 9:36
  So I'm looking at nine total.
• 9:37
  Nine overall. That's pretty good.
• 9:39
  I'd say I have at least ten on mine.
• 9:41
  You do have a shed, so there's at least one key for that.
• 9:44
  I don't keep the key for the shed on that.
• 9:46
  Compared to y'all, I'm a teenage dirtbag.
• 9:49
  Evan, what do you think about these millennials, though?
• 9:52
  I can't really stand them.
• 9:54
  They have so much entitlement. They think the world revolves around them.
• 9:59
  They're all worried about being gay.
• 10:01
  You don't think the world revolves at all because you're a flat earther?
• 10:04
  The world is linear, and that's the movement that it does.
• 10:08
  But it is round.
• 10:09
  In a straight line, huh?
• 10:10
  It is round.
• 10:11
  What's round?
• 10:12
  The earth, the world.
• 10:13
  Did you lose track of the conversation that quickly?
• 10:15
  No rounder than a straight line.
• 10:18
  Do you ever hear something and you can't even comprehend it,
• 10:21
  but you know somebody's talking above your head?
• 10:25
  That's where I'm at right now.
• 10:27
  Evan's talking in the fourth dimension.
• 10:29
  Yeah.
• 10:30
  Evan's talking in smells right now.
• 10:33
  Don't even ask what he's saying.
• 10:36
  There you go.
• 10:37
  Middle-aged man talk for the beginning of that.
• 10:39
  Welcome to Question of the Tour.
• 10:41
  Let's do some hypotheticals.
• 10:42
  Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 10:47
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 10:50
  Well, that's a hypothetical question.
• 10:53
  All right.
• 10:54
  For our first hypothetical today, we got a little listener submitted email
• 10:58
  from Mr. John Samuel, aka Lil Pepe Man, as he lets us know.
• 11:03
  He says that in his email.
• 11:05
  Evan doesn't know a fact about him.
• 11:09
  Y'all think his friend's calling that?
• 11:11
  Yeah.
• 11:12
  All right.
• 11:13
  Now onto his email.
• 11:14
  Sup QD.
• 11:15
  Just emailing in to say that you guys make my commute better week.
• 11:19
  Do we make his commute weaker?
• 11:22
  Better week.
• 11:27
  He says you guys are nuts and crack me up, but I have a lame nine to five job
• 11:31
  that makes me want to kill myself every day.
• 11:33
  We have those dumb meetings multiple times a week where you sit around a table
• 11:37
  and talk about nothing.
• 11:38
  I was wondering what y'all do when y'all are sitting around a boardroom table
• 11:41
  in business meeting.
• 11:42
  I need something to do.
• 11:43
  Otherwise, I might snap and assault some people.
• 11:46
  But yeah, thanks.
• 11:47
  John Samuel, aka Lil Pepe Man.
• 11:50
  Yeah, that's self professed Lil Pepe Man.
• 11:53
  Also a little violent and it probably correlates with the size of the peepee.
• 11:58
  Do you think he just wanted to go ahead and get in front of that just in case we read his email
• 12:02
  and we were like, see, seems like a little peepee man.
• 12:07
  Well, I mean, we're kind of sitting around here at a boardroom table.
• 12:10
  We are. There's a table here.
• 12:11
  Having sort of a company meeting, you know, so we kind of we kind of get where he's coming from.
• 12:15
  I also do like that.
• 12:16
  He gets out in front of it and go ahead and says that he has thought about assaulting people,
• 12:21
  which was going to be one of our answers anyway.
• 12:23
  So we can't tell him to assault people because that's just lazy.
• 12:27
  So what do you do, Zach?
• 12:29
  So I don't know if y'all know.
• 12:30
  I have a side job, a hobby, a hustle.
• 12:33
  I help people that have been on drugs.
• 12:36
  That's nice.
• 12:37
  Yeah, it is nice. I give back.
• 12:38
  Yeah.
• 12:39
  But I help them with their urine samples for drug tests.
• 12:42
  Now, I don't give them my urine sample.
• 12:44
  I give them other people's urine sample.
• 12:46
  I have volunteers.
• 12:47
  And because this is a side hobby, a very busy side hobby, I often have to do this in the middle of a boardroom meeting.
• 12:53
  So we have a stranger in there that I call an intern, you know, or a new hire to the person because the boss is like, who is this random person?
• 13:00
  This is Steve.
• 13:01
  He he's a new hire.
• 13:03
  And what I do is in the middle of the presentation, they're giving facts and figures and talking about graphs.
• 13:09
  And I go to grab that Sonic Cup that's on the that's on the boardroom table.
• 13:14
  I take off that top and just pour that slushy ice liquid out.
• 13:18
  I pass it over to pass it over to Steve in the kimono.
• 13:21
  I'm said I'm just winking at him.
• 13:23
  You know, I'm just like game time, Steve.
• 13:25
  He lifts that kimono or whatever he's wearing up and gives me a urine sample for the person that has hired me to have a clean urine sample for the drug test.
• 13:33
  Right. You know, between PowerPoint presentations, when it gets quiet, I have to nudge and like pinch it off, pitch it off because you don't want to hear because the boss is like, you hear something?
• 13:42
  Leave a tap running.
• 13:44
  Is somebody pouring out water right now?
• 13:47
  Which relatively simple if you have one person in there giving the sample.
• 13:52
  Right. I mean, simple one person.
• 13:54
  I don't. This is a hobby that is grown.
• 13:56
  I have multiple people in there, so we kind of we're kind of passing around that route 44 size Sonic Cup around under the table.
• 14:04
  It's just one cup.
• 14:06
  It's just mixing urine.
• 14:07
  Gosh, it's just one cup.
• 14:10
  It's just it's big. So, you know, it fills up fine.
• 14:13
  It spills.
• 14:14
  There's some people kind of leave with them to have to use.
• 14:17
  Yeah. At the end, we just kind of get done and stick it back on the table.
• 14:20
  I walk out there with a one person understand what's happening in there.
• 14:23
  It's a good business model.
• 14:25
  If I'm getting this right, you have an army of interns and you are getting them to pee in the same cup so that you can sell that urine to people who are on drugs and wanting to pass drug test.
• 14:36
  Yes, absolutely.
• 14:37
  So when I when I walk into this board meeting, I sit down and my my my friend, the new hire, quote unquote, sits down next to me or across the table.
• 14:46
  I don't know. Nobody's asking questions.
• 14:48
  Well, it's an initial question.
• 14:49
  It's like, who is this new hire? Welcome.
• 14:51
  And then, you know, the business meeting starts and I start emptying cups and start passing them around.
• 14:56
  No one catches on to smell or anything.
• 14:59
  We try not to spill, but we're now they're pretty quick.
• 15:02
  Yeah, what I do is I bring car air fresheners that you hang on the hang on your rear view mirror and I just I have pockets full of them.
• 15:09
  I just kind of rub them together and throw them under the table.
• 15:12
  You know, so now it smells like black ice and urine.
• 15:14
  But but you know, it's they can't pinpoint what the smell actually is because of the mixture.
• 15:19
  When you have all those people peeing, you could and somebody asked, what's that noise?
• 15:23
  You could probably just be like, you know, it's a bunch of cicadas.
• 15:26
  I got a lot of cicadas in my pockets right now because that wouldn't arouse suspicion.
• 15:30
  Well, if I'm at the end of the day, giving people urine that's not there for a drug test is illegal.
• 15:36
  Having a bunch of cicadas is just odd.
• 15:39
  You can get away with that.
• 15:41
  So they just actually just have cicadas in my pocket then think it could be kind of neat.
• 15:45
  Yeah, I guarantee you.
• 15:47
  You're the only guy at the work that that has it.
• 15:50
  Yeah, I would make a name for myself for sure.
• 15:52
  He'd be like, you know, you know, Zach, he always has cicadas in a pocket and smells like urine.
• 15:57
  Very specific.
• 15:59
  So you're still you want to be the cicada guy, but you're still going to do the urine.
• 16:03
  Or not on my possession.
• 16:07
  He did say it was spilling a lot.
• 16:11
  You know, maybe it's a it's a low week and I have to get my urine sample from somebody else.
• 16:16
  I just kind of wink and nudge one of my co-workers.
• 16:19
  They know they're not in on it.
• 16:21
  So it's kind of a confusing situation to get on the same page.
• 16:24
  I'm just winking and nudging them.
• 16:26
  They're like, what are you doing?
• 16:28
  I'm just kind of pushing a cup closer to him on top of the table.
• 16:31
  They take a sip from the cup and they're like, no, no, it's not what I want.
• 16:35
  Pee in it. Pee in it. Pee in the cup.
• 16:38
  They're like, what? Pee in the cup.
• 16:40
  The boss is like, you need to share something?
• 16:43
  No, no, we're good.
• 16:45
  How much pee you got?
• 16:48
  How full is your bladder?
• 16:50
  Would you consider yourself a hydrated man?
• 16:55
  I like the cicadas in my pocket, though. Very distracting.
• 16:58
  Somebody's like, does it smell like pee in here?
• 17:00
  And I release one like a like a Pokemon trainer.
• 17:03
  Just release one out. The tape starts flipping around on the table.
• 17:06
  The women in the room, because women can be in the workforce now.
• 17:10
  Women in the room start screaming and people start getting up from the table.
• 17:13
  And I just kind of slink out with the cup of urine.
• 17:16
  But, you know, I think I'm not drinking the pee.
• 17:19
  I don't know what I mean. I'm just saying. Sure.
• 17:21
  Between them. You drink a little bit of the pee.
• 17:23
  Well, I got to make sure it's clean.
• 17:26
  Don't act like you've never looked at that cup and thought, I wonder what it tastes like.
• 17:31
  I definitely looked in the cup and go like, you need to hydrate.
• 17:33
  It's a little too brown. A little too dark. You know, you look at it and you go,
• 17:37
  people stranded on islands do it all the time.
• 17:41
  Yeah, I haven't listened to one thing that the bosses talked about in the meeting.
• 17:46
  I'm just sitting there staring at the cup going, it can't taste that bad, right?
• 17:52
  It can't be that bad.
• 17:54
  And you should see the look of confusion of the person that just gave the sample
• 17:57
  as I take that straw and take a sip out of it.
• 18:02
  Probably more confused when you're just staring at it the whole time.
• 18:05
  Kind of like licking your lips a little bit.
• 18:10
  I'll go up and blow a bubble in it. Right through the straw, man.
• 18:15
  Because nobody... Listen to me. In a meeting, nobody's thinking there's urine in that cup
• 18:19
  if I'm sitting there blowing bubbles through the straw. You know?
• 18:22
  You're probably right.
• 18:23
  I've thrown off all suspicion. Even if people catch on, they're like,
• 18:27
  I think Zach is getting people to pee in cups in meetings.
• 18:30
  The moment I take that cup and start blowing bubbles in it,
• 18:32
  they're like, there's no way that's true.
• 18:35
  But if they think you're wild enough to have people pee in cups in a meeting,
• 18:39
  you could be wild enough to just blow bubbles in your pee drink.
• 18:42
  I think that's very pragmatic and logical for you to think that.
• 18:45
  But I think in the moment, there's no way you think that.
• 18:47
  Okay.
• 18:48
  I think you're looking from the outside in here.
• 18:50
  And by that, I mean you're looking at the meetings.
• 18:52
  You're watching me do this just from the office window.
• 18:55
  So you're not selling a lot of this pee, are you?
• 18:58
  You're consuming most of it.
• 19:02
  Listen, I have a Route 44 size cup of urine.
• 19:06
  They don't need all that.
• 19:08
  You've been to the doctor.
• 19:10
  They just left a little cup. It's just a few ounces.
• 19:13
  Give me a little shot glass.
• 19:15
  Well, I don't compare it to a shot glass.
• 19:18
  All right.
• 19:21
  Man's doing pea shooters.
• 19:27
  Oh, man, they take a sip of that cup.
• 19:30
  I'm like, your cholesterol is high.
• 19:34
  You should dial it back on the coffee.
• 19:38
  Your donors, your pee donors, have been to the doctor in years
• 19:41
  because you're just there telling them their diagnoses.
• 19:45
  I like how we assume that I'm just going to be okay after taking a sip of it.
• 19:50
  And I don't start hacking up in the middle of the meeting.
• 19:52
  Like I'm sitting there thinking about it.
• 19:54
  I'm like, it can't be that bad, right?
• 19:55
  And I take a sip. I'm like, just like spitting it everywhere.
• 20:00
  It hasn't been theoretically this whole time.
• 20:03
  It's been fine.
• 20:04
  But until you said that, now I feel like it's super disgusting.
• 20:08
  You just now you figured that out. Now you just like it might be a little weird.
• 20:12
  Just now. Now that I've thought about the taste, I'm like, no, no, it's got to be just salty.
• 20:17
  Right.
• 20:18
  There's only one way to find out.
• 20:19
  See, this is what this this is inside of my head.
• 20:21
  You do it right here.
• 20:23
  It's gonna be salty.
• 20:24
  Right on our next segment.
• 20:28
  How's it taste?
• 20:30
  That got off the rails.
• 20:32
  I never intended to drink it.
• 20:33
  Okay.
• 20:36
  Nobody ever does.
• 20:38
  That's how all the questions go.
• 20:40
  I never intended to drink it.
• 20:42
  I just want you to know, I initially came into this going, I'm helping people pass their drug test.
• 20:48
  I was the good person.
• 20:49
  All right. And I ended with cicadas in my pocket drinking urine.
• 20:53
  I think we've all been there, though.
• 20:55
  Do you fire a guy that you know is drinking urine in your boardroom?
• 20:59
  There's no way you don't get stabbed immediately.
• 21:02
  You don't let that happen.
• 21:03
  That can't go on.
• 21:04
  But like that guy's unhinged.
• 21:06
  Right.
• 21:07
  I think what you do is you kind of wait till he's off the premises and then you call him and like, hey, man, you can't come back.
• 21:15
  You hear the slurping for over the phone.
• 21:17
  The drink finishing up.
• 21:21
  And then he's like, I forgot my other cup there.
• 21:25
  Can I come back and get that?
• 21:27
  Or no, you can't.
• 21:29
  You can't get your other cup of urine.
• 21:31
  There's a thermos under my desk that I'll write if I come up and grab it.
• 21:35
  That guy walks into your office and like just sit there and stare at that thermos.
• 21:39
  He's like, what is in that cup?
• 21:41
  What is in that container, dude?
• 21:45
  What do you think a what do you think a guy that drinks urine dresses like?
• 21:48
  You wear those really big kind of Oakleys.
• 21:50
  Those big square Oakleys that I wore in the 2000s.
• 21:53
  Like T-Pain. Like T-Pain's Oakleys?
• 21:55
  Yeah.
• 21:56
  You got a tank top on.
• 21:57
  You're like forest green.
• 21:58
  But I do wear a tie because I'm professional.
• 22:00
  Yeah. I mean, you're a professional, of course.
• 22:03
  So you got a tank top and a clip on tie.
• 22:06
  It's just dragging the tank top down.
• 22:09
  It's a deep V for sure.
• 22:12
  You bought it as a U shape.
• 22:14
  I wear Nike slides without socks.
• 22:17
  Yeah.
• 22:18
  But the tie has like the Tasmanian devil from Looney Tunes on it.
• 22:22
  That are just like it's black with flames.
• 22:25
  One of the two.
• 22:26
  Welcome to Flavortown.
• 22:28
  And of course you have cargo shorts on.
• 22:30
  Yeah. You got cargo shorts on and yeah, Nike slides.
• 22:33
  If I were to profiles on my drinks urine, that'd be it.
• 22:36
  That'd be it.
• 22:37
  Thankfully, this is an advice for John because he doesn't illegally have to do.
• 22:40
  That would be a tough advice section for our guy.
• 22:43
  That's just what I do.
• 22:44
  Okay.
• 22:45
  Man.
• 22:47
  All right. What do y'all do?
• 22:48
  What do y'all do?
• 22:49
  Save us.
• 22:50
  Save us.
• 22:51
  It doesn't get better from here.
• 22:54
  It never gets better from from.
• 22:56
  Yeah.
• 22:57
  All right.
• 22:58
  Evan, what do you do?
• 22:59
  Tell us what you do as a business professional on the board meeting.
• 23:02
  Yeah.
• 23:03
  As a business professional, you all you both know this.
• 23:07
  Yeah.
• 23:08
  You always want to be evolving.
• 23:09
  You always want to be becoming a better professional so you can grow your career.
• 23:13
  You can become a better whatever it is you do.
• 23:17
  So do that.
• 23:18
  I would suggest reading up on some career growth opportunity books, type books and ways
• 23:24
  to make you a better professional.
• 23:27
  But you don't want your job to know that you're reading these books about becoming a better
• 23:31
  professional because they're going to be like, oh, why are you reading books on company
• 23:35
  time?
• 23:37
  Why you're trying to outwork your current job?
• 23:40
  You're going to try to get a new better job move on from us.
• 23:43
  And we don't want you to develop as a person.
• 23:45
  Obviously, we want you to stay in the position you're at and stay with our company.
• 23:50
  So they don't want you to evolve as a person.
• 23:52
  So you got to kind of hide that you're reading these books.
• 23:56
  And the best way to do that is to just read these books during these board meetings, but
• 24:00
  get a fake cover to put on the book.
• 24:02
  And that way you can mask what the book really is.
• 24:05
  And it just kind of looks like you're reading.
• 24:07
  So you can get book covers that say stop simping and start pimping and then just has like a
• 24:13
  pimp on the outside.
• 24:15
  So you're not worried.
• 24:16
  They're not worried about the time theft that's happening on business time.
• 24:19
  They just don't want you reading self-help books.
• 24:21
  Yeah, they just don't want you to becoming a better person, a better professional.
• 24:24
  Yeah, because they don't want you to outgrow your job and get a better job and leave the company.
• 24:29
  Right.
• 24:30
  Now, when you're reading these books, are you sitting at the table or have you made a
• 24:34
  little reading nook over in a corner with soft pillows and blankets?
• 24:37
  And maybe you have like a little window and it's raining outside and you've lit a candle
• 24:42
  and you curl up with a nice blanket and you're just kind of reading a self-help book.
• 24:45
  You tell people that like that corner is kind of a moment.
• 24:50
  It's more of a feeling.
• 24:52
  That's your when somebody says go to your happy place, you go.
• 24:56
  That's my corner in the boardroom.
• 24:58
  Yeah.
• 24:59
  Yeah.
• 25:00
  I mean, you start at the table, obviously, but as you start to get a little drowsy, a
• 25:02
  little baby's little drowsy, you know, to mosey on into your corner, you go and take
• 25:08
  off your pants and put on sweatpants mid boardroom meeting, right?
• 25:12
  Yeah.
• 25:13
  You want to get comfortable.
• 25:14
  So, you know, baby gets a little drowsy.
• 25:16
  So you start mosey off in your corner.
• 25:18
  There's a lot of sweatpants.
• 25:20
  Baby's gotten drowsy because you're drinking Nyquil, right?
• 25:23
  Yeah.
• 25:24
  You're drinking Nyquil route 44 Sonic Cup, right?
• 25:28
  Just God, I hope it's a different cup.
• 25:31
  Evan doesn't read when he goes to that corner.
• 25:36
  It's just like possible to go over and read.
• 25:42
  Halfway there, I pass out.
• 25:48
  It's just you like drooling over a pillow in the corner.
• 25:51
  Can't wake me.
• 25:53
  I've overdosed on Nyquil.
• 25:56
  So that's interesting that you drink a full gallon of Nyquil.
• 25:59
  Yeah.
• 26:00
  Who knew?
• 26:01
  So you're kind of sipping and one day one thing led to another, you know.
• 26:06
  So you put on your sweatpants and maybe your oversized shirt and, you know, some sort of
• 26:11
  fluffy slippies.
• 26:13
  You go over there and you do a lot of deep siren.
• 26:17
  You look out the window and got my the fray plane in my headphones.
• 26:24
  Really loud.
• 26:25
  So everybody hears it.
• 26:26
  Yeah.
• 26:27
  And that's that's why I'm saying to so everybody else can hear.
• 26:29
  Well, yeah, yeah.
• 26:30
  So they can kind of go for it.
• 26:31
  Real sad boy vibes going on.
• 26:34
  I want people to ask me if I'm OK.
• 26:36
  And you tell him yes, but they know you're not.
• 26:40
  You're like, but I've heard you found me like 10 times already.
• 26:44
  You're not OK.
• 26:47
  You just nod off.
• 26:49
  You did not off because the Nyquil just hit.
• 26:52
  Yeah, I play.
• 26:53
  I play.
• 26:54
  You found me three times back to back, as Alan said, to how to save a life.
• 26:58
  Yeah, that's kind of when I start to fade from facing my consciousness.
• 27:03
  You just say you found me.
• 27:06
  You just knocked out.
• 27:07
  You just snore.
• 27:08
  And you really do end up lying on the floor, as the song says.
• 27:14
  And then everyone else in the boardroom is wondering how to save a life because I am no longer conscious.
• 27:20
  We know how to do a trach.
• 27:22
  Can we?
• 27:23
  This time I have an Epi pen.
• 27:25
  My pulse is fainter than dead balloon.
• 27:29
  Training.
• 27:30
  What an analogy.
• 27:31
  I don't know what else has a word Smith over here.
• 27:34
  We love to hear it.
• 27:36
  So I am sure I'm sure at that point you're going to do the sad boy thing in the corner and then you eventually fall asleep and your boss is like, well, thank God that's over.
• 27:45
  Let's get to the meeting.
• 27:47
  Doing stuff.
• 27:48
  But mid meeting, you wake up and you're like coming out of a dream.
• 27:51
  So you say crazy stuff.
• 27:52
  Oh, my God.
• 27:54
  It's like screaming.
• 27:55
  Let me feel your kneecaps, Dad.
• 27:57
  You're like, what is he dreaming about over there?
• 28:01
  I bet you get knocked out from that night. Cool. And you wake up from that intoxicated nap.
• 28:06
  Like, you never have those naps.
• 28:07
  We wake up and you don't understand what time it is.
• 28:09
  You don't understand what day it is.
• 28:10
  You wake up on a different.
• 28:11
  It's like that.
• 28:12
  You go to sleep at the eleven thirty meeting and you wake up at seven thirty at night.
• 28:17
  It's dark.
• 28:19
  It's dark.
• 28:20
  You don't know what day it is.
• 28:22
  There's a janitor in there vacuuming.
• 28:26
  But the hum of that vacuum probably just lulls you right back.
• 28:29
  It's hard to get back home after that because you get back to your desk and you kind of like sit down in your chair for a second.
• 28:34
  Sleepy again.
• 28:36
  That janitor comes by, kind of rubs your head a little bit.
• 28:39
  Oh, pass out.
• 28:42
  It gives you a little massage.
• 28:43
  Yeah, just a little head head scratch.
• 28:46
  A little shoulder massage.
• 28:48
  Yeah, we know each other.
• 28:49
  So it's not weird.
• 28:50
  Thanks, Feldman.
• 28:51
  Yeah, the nightly thing.
• 28:53
  Feldman?
• 28:54
  I don't know.
• 28:56
  Is that his first or last name?
• 28:59
  We don't know.
• 29:00
  It's a one name guy.
• 29:01
  He's like Cher.
• 29:03
  Same talent as well.
• 29:04
  Oh, he sings.
• 29:05
  No, he massages you and shares just a good janitor.
• 29:09
  Really good at cleaning.
• 29:12
  Woman's house is spotless.
• 29:14
  Or he's just a terrible.
• 29:15
  They're both just bad at cleaning.
• 29:17
  Yeah.
• 29:19
  So you and Feldman, you have a good relationship.
• 29:21
  Of course.
• 29:22
  We work the same hours.
• 29:24
  After everybody works here in the day.
• 29:27
  I got to work at night.
• 29:29
  Everybody when everybody else is left, you and Feldman take night lunch together.
• 29:33
  Yeah.
• 29:34
  That's why I got to take so much night well, because I don't sleep at night.
• 29:36
  So I got to sleep during the day.
• 29:37
  Yeah, because Feldman keeps you up.
• 29:39
  It's a vicious cycle.
• 29:41
  So what if you try to fall asleep at night?
• 29:42
  What does Feldman do?
• 29:43
  Feldman, the janitor, do comes over and shakes my chair a little bit.
• 29:47
  It's kind of dumps me out on the floor.
• 29:49
  Yeah.
• 29:50
  Starts vacuuming my back, which also kind of feels good.
• 29:52
  And I start to lull back to sleep.
• 29:54
  Do you think you would imagine a vacuum on your back filling in a deep tissue massage or something?
• 29:58
  So he just wants you to be up at night to like entertain him and give him company.
• 30:02
  Yeah, he just gets bored.
• 30:03
  Yeah, he has a whole building to himself.
• 30:05
  Feldman's kind of codependent, don't you think?
• 30:08
  We have been talking to his therapist about that.
• 30:10
  That's just your therapist at that point.
• 30:14
  We got a therapy together, couples therapy.
• 30:18
  If you work during the during the night and you sleep during all the workday, when do you have time to go to therapy with Feldman?
• 30:26
  I just imagine y'all each are y'all's therapist, but you just put on a wig and become the therapist for each other.
• 30:31
  That could be it too.
• 30:33
  That or we just use the water cooler.
• 30:35
  We put a wig on the water cooler.
• 30:37
  We just drag a chair over there.
• 30:40
  Yeah.
• 30:41
  What's good to know that the water cooler hasn't died in your office?
• 30:43
  Yeah, that's good to know.
• 30:44
  We were worried about that a few weeks ago.
• 30:46
  Still alive and kicking. That's great.
• 30:49
  And that way you just walk up the teat of that water cooler and you just drink from the wisdom.
• 30:57
  We let the wisdom flow for sure.
• 31:01
  Oh, gosh. This episode is already unhinged.
• 31:05
  This is ludicrous.
• 31:07
  That has nothing to do with what my answer was.
• 31:10
  You start reading a book with a different cover and you just take naps.
• 31:14
  Yeah, you just get drowsy.
• 31:16
  And then you have a weird codependent relationship with the night janitor.
• 31:20
  That's an interesting board meeting.
• 31:22
  Seeing as you don't really go to the board meeting.
• 31:24
  I mean, I go to it physically and then check out really early.
• 31:29
  Alright, Alan.
• 31:30
  Yeah, so when I go to a board meeting, you know, I think you guys have both been there where they schedule it during lunch.
• 31:35
  Absolutely.
• 31:36
  It's miserable because if they're going to do that, they may as well feed you, but they never do.
• 31:40
  They don't do it.
• 31:41
  So you're left to come up with lunch on your own. So just start eating paper.
• 31:46
  You eat paper. You tell me to eat paper.
• 31:48
  Just that. Well, that's that's what I would do.
• 31:50
  OK, I just I'm telling you, you could do it, too.
• 31:53
  Yeah, but I just like to I just like to slowly rip a page out of my notebook and just kind of curl it up into a nice little ball like a little egg shape.
• 32:03
  Yeah. And then I just like to stick it in my mouth like a tick tack.
• 32:06
  Yeah.
• 32:07
  Now let it soak for a minute.
• 32:09
  And if I need a little extra flavor, I'll like highlight the page a little bit.
• 32:15
  Crumble it up and highlight flavor.
• 32:17
  Yeah.
• 32:19
  What's really cool about that idea is not only do you get nutrients, paper comes from a tree and tree is a plant.
• 32:25
  So, yeah, there's some fiber in there.
• 32:27
  Something. There's something in there.
• 32:28
  What's really cool about it is not only can you eat the paper, but it also gives you an opportunity for a new hobby.
• 32:35
  And that's paper mache because you've torn out little pieces of paper, put them there, wet from your saliva.
• 32:41
  You start sticking them together, create some crafts mid mid boardroom meeting right on the table, you know, start doing like busts of the boss and people around you.
• 32:52
  Or you could come up with a way to make like a paper mache cast of someone just slowly start making paper mache around their body as they're sitting there paying attention to the meeting,
• 33:02
  doing what they're supposed to be doing. And you're like a little gremlin running around their legs, just making a paper mache mold of their body.
• 33:09
  Let's be real. The reason they're not moving is because they're in fear of who you are as a person.
• 33:14
  I think a guy that eats paper is a red flag.
• 33:16
  Yeah. They're like, if I don't move, you can't see me.
• 33:19
  But boy, do I. You see them right through them.
• 33:22
  Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know exactly what their fears are, what their loves are.
• 33:27
  And their loves are being covered in paper mache being made into a human pinata.
• 33:32
  That just happens to be everybody's loves to you.
• 33:34
  Yeah. Yeah. I think everybody deep down, whether they admit it or not, they want to be covered in wet paper that will soon be dry.
• 33:43
  Now they just let you do this.
• 33:46
  Yeah. No, it's one of those things where, you know, how somebody's doing something weird at work, like drinking pee in an office, you know, nobody wants to be the guy that's like, hey, let me harsh your mellow here.
• 33:56
  Dude, you know, nobody wants to be that guy.
• 33:59
  So they just kind of all let it happen. They say it's a safe space for a reason. Yeah. Yeah.
• 34:03
  Working in an office environment in twenty twenty three, you're allowed to get away with being as weird as you want to be.
• 34:11
  So what types of paper flavors do you like? Is there ones that you kind of go for?
• 34:15
  Do you like the college rules? Line paper? Do you like just the classic printer paper?
• 34:21
  College ruled is sort of more of a more of like a light snack when we're having these meetings during lunch.
• 34:27
  I need something a little heavier. So I like to go with a couple slices of card stock.
• 34:32
  Chewy, chewy. There's some there's some protein in card stock.
• 34:37
  I bet it sounds great in that boardroom sitting next to you. You're just mushy mouth and paper.
• 34:44
  Sometimes I like to just break an ink pen over top of it and just drizzle it around on that piece of paper.
• 34:50
  Add a little little spice to it. Your diet just made entirely of office supplies.
• 34:56
  I go grocery shopping at an office max. What do you drink?
• 35:01
  What do you wash it down with? That paper ink from the printer? Yeah.
• 35:04
  Just printer ink. Just printer ink. Yeah. That's expensive drink. Yeah. Yeah.
• 35:08
  What's for dessert? I feel like pencils. It's kind of like a churro, right?
• 35:12
  Like you just kind of chew on a pencil. Like people do it already. It's not that much weirder.
• 35:16
  Yeah. To just go ahead and swallow the pencil. Nice earthy taste. You know, I'd recommend a little binder leather leather.
• 35:24
  Oh yeah. Like a pad folio. That's like if you've been good all week, you get that you get you get that binder.
• 35:33
  A little bit of leather in there. So you sit down at that boardroom table.
• 35:37
  I initially thought you were kind of secretly you're having a full five course meal.
• 35:42
  Yeah. What I walk in there with like a cup full of paper clips and I'm just just popping them in like popcorn.
• 35:48
  You have a rough bathroom time, don't you? I'm in there for hours at a time.
• 35:53
  Lots of screaming. It's excruciating.
• 35:57
  I like it because it kind of relates you to your fellow coworkers or opens up a way to talk to your coworkers.
• 36:04
  Yeah. Yeah. We'll both eat, you know? Yeah. But you can also like offer them some some quote unquote food.
• 36:11
  You like quote unquote food. Definitely. Yeah. Good. Good. You start like shoving it along.
• 36:15
  Yeah. Hey, you try this. Collard ruled lately. Hey, this manila folder is extra good today.
• 36:20
  They changed the recipe on wide ruled. Like what are they? What are they doing differently?
• 36:25
  But I just just grabbed these off the printer. They're still hot. Get them all. It's good.
• 36:31
  You have a lot of friends around the office then, don't you? Oh boy, do I.
• 36:34
  They probably find you in their cubicle just munching away on their office supplies.
• 36:39
  They'll find me and I'm it's sometimes it's in compromising situations. Oh boy.
• 36:43
  I'll be just on all fours on top of their desk, just going through their little supply drawer like an eight pick some fleas out of his got it.
• 36:53
  But you've got it. They shine a flashlight on me and I'm just like a deer in the headlights.
• 37:00
  They have flashlights in your business. Our our office building is all dark.
• 37:05
  It's a way to save on electricity because you've been running their supply budget.
• 37:13
  Our profit margins are collapsing because we don't we have to buy new business supply.
• 37:18
  Yeah, they're yeah, they're they're lacking in supplies and make up for it by by shutting off the lights.
• 37:25
  Yeah, the AC lights are shut off. They're like, why they just fire this guy. We are miserable.
• 37:29
  It's dark and we're sweating and they just turn the corner sign their flashlight.
• 37:35
  It's just you on top of a desk like some eagle from Lord of the Rings.
• 37:38
  Yeah, yeah. Biting into a manual around like a raccoon in the trash, eating some tape, eat a roll of tape like fruit by the foot.
• 37:50
  You got the trash cans and get offended that people threw away all this good food.
• 37:53
  No, I just I think it's just a gathering of food. OK, like somebody's kind of left it out for you.
• 37:59
  Walk around to different cubicles, the trash can. You guys want to want to buy it?
• 38:03
  You go up to you go to a co-worker and they start telling you about deadlines and stuff.
• 38:08
  And you're just kind of eyeing the trash can over there and looking back at them, eyeing the trash can, looking back.
• 38:13
  I'm just sweating. You're just you're just buying your time because they stop talking and you can dig in.
• 38:18
  Yes, that's exactly right.
• 38:20
  Do you when you're sitting in the boardroom and you're kind of the bosses up talking and you see, I don't know, an ink pen, about three chairs over.
• 38:28
  You kind of lean over to that person. Hey, you have me that ink pen right there.
• 38:31
  You know, they kind of slide it over and then you just open that bad boy up and pour it back.
• 38:35
  What do they think about like an ink shot?
• 38:37
  Well, I do pour that pen back like you're like you're saying, but I'm a little bit more subtle.
• 38:42
  I reach around my co-worker and I say, hey, if you were a pirate, which shoulder would you put your parrot on?
• 38:47
  This one or this one? And then I reach around that other shoulder and grab the pen.
• 38:51
  They don't even ask him. I don't even let him know that's what I'm going for.
• 38:56
  I make him think that I'm just really into him.
• 38:59
  They turn to you and you just have black ink all over your mouth and your tongue is black and you're just like, what's wrong?
• 39:08
  Is there a problem? I don't I don't see any issue with this situation.
• 39:11
  I think it's going to work well.
• 39:13
  And you've like put black handprints on the table. Nobody's going to have a hard time finding out where I'm at.
• 39:19
  Follow the black footprints.
• 39:21
  You look like you got a fight with a squid.
• 39:24
  Yeah. Your office. You thought you terrorized the office. Mr. Smeagol. Yeah. Office eater.
• 39:31
  Yeah, it's tough for a lot of the people that work there.
• 39:35
  They're never able to use any office supplies.
• 39:38
  I've become a bit of a nuisance, but sort of like like a lovable nuisance, though.
• 39:43
  OK. You're like, oh, there's Alan just doing his thing again, you know, eating tape or cardboard.
• 39:49
  You're like the office dog. Yeah. Yeah.
• 39:51
  Do you often go up to people writing something down with a clipboard and go, are you going to eat that?
• 39:55
  Yeah. I walk around and do what I call inventory. It's not real inventory. It's inventory for me.
• 40:01
  It's me meal prepping. It's you trying to get in. Yeah. Yeah.
• 40:05
  You looking for lunch. OK. Highlighters looking juicy.
• 40:09
  Here, if I get a here, if I get a bite of that.
• 40:13
  Do you do you eat highlighters like like you would eat a sucker?
• 40:16
  You're just kind of licking the know what I do is I walk out back where everybody smokes.
• 40:22
  I just pull out a highlighter, tap it off, tap it against the wall.
• 40:27
  I'm packing some cigarettes and just start just sucking on the highlighter like it's a vape pen.
• 40:32
  Yeah. I bet inhaling all those that ink and that highlighter is probably good for your lungs.
• 40:36
  I just turn around to the smokers, just a yellow ring around my lips.
• 40:40
  Tough day, boys. You're so relatable.
• 40:43
  Sometimes you just got to come out here and take a drag off of a highlighter.
• 40:48
  Off a bick. You know, so big problems.
• 40:53
  We're the same, you and I. Oh, man.
• 40:57
  Oh, listen, John, there you go. That's what we do at a board meeting.
• 41:00
  Feel free to try that. Adjust it to your schedule and your interests.
• 41:04
  Don't let board meetings be boring.
• 41:06
  Entertain yourself, have hobbies, make the board meeting your own board meetings or like board meeting.
• 41:13
  They're a amen brother.
• 41:16
  That's the funniest joke. Yeah, that's happened so far today.
• 41:19
  Just stop the recording.
• 41:24
  As most listeners will know, we are very wise and we often give advice to people writing in.
• 41:32
  And, you know, we are always willing to help, but we often neglect ourselves and the people in this studio.
• 41:39
  And let me tell you, the people in the studio are fighting demons every day.
• 41:45
  We need more help than anyone.
• 41:47
  Self-care is very important to this program.
• 41:52
  As you might know, some of the strongest people are the most broken and nothing could be truer here in this studio.
• 42:01
  So we're going to introduce a new segment where we give each other therapy and we have a big chair,
• 42:08
  a lounge chair in here that we're going to lay down on.
• 42:11
  And the other two are going to sit in big armchairs and be the therapist to one of us in need.
• 42:18
  So let's go to let's go to jump into that.
• 42:37
  So this week, the lucky one on the couch is going to be Zach.
• 42:43
  While Evan and I put on our tweed jackets and adjust our turtlenecks, smoke in a pipe, just light our pipes.
• 42:50
  Zach's going to tell us a little bit about his problems.
• 42:52
  It's interesting that I've hired two therapists.
• 42:55
  I'm paying out the frame.
• 42:57
  We're a package deal.
• 42:59
  Yeah, we're a package deal.
• 43:00
  You don't get one without the other.
• 43:02
  Sort of a bad cop, bad cop.
• 43:04
  That's good to know.
• 43:05
  That's good to know.
• 43:06
  I'm about to unload all my issues on you.
• 43:07
  Yeah.
• 43:08
  So Zach, why don't you lay down here on this chaise lounge, get yourself comfortable.
• 43:12
  Thank you.
• 43:13
  We'll break out our notepads and we can get to town here on your issues.
• 43:20
  Well, thank you guys.
• 43:21
  Thank you all for helping me out here.
• 43:23
  I've been dealing with something, especially recently, and I'm hoping you all can help me get to the root of my issue.
• 43:30
  Lately, I have I have had a very big interest in people sneezing.
• 43:35
  And I don't I don't know if you have noticed this every time you all will sneeze.
• 43:38
  I'll try to when you are kind of inhaling and getting ready to bust.
• 43:43
  You proud of that one?
• 43:47
  Oh, geez.
• 43:48
  And when you are inhaling and getting ready to sneeze, I will often try to I'll get very close to the person and just be right there when he sneezes.
• 43:56
  And I'm trying to I'm trying to catch a sneeze.
• 43:58
  I just need something good to happen in my life.
• 44:00
  And I can't really catch a shooting star or, you know, I can't find a well with our opinion.
• 44:06
  I'm just hoping that maybe good luck will come from just getting sneezed in the face.
• 44:10
  I don't I don't know if maybe you all can get to the root of that problem.
• 44:13
  But why do you all think I am dealing with that?
• 44:16
  Well, first off, thank you for your honesty.
• 44:19
  Honesty is kind of the best the best start to these things.
• 44:22
  Let me ask you first about your relationship with your mom.
• 44:26
  I was actually going to ask the exact same thing.
• 44:28
  That's why that's why we're on the same page here.
• 44:30
  We were we work well looking at the same page right now.
• 44:33
  We both wrote it down separately, but in the same one of you are right down.
• 44:37
  You pointed to it or like you took your head.
• 44:39
  You're like, this is it.
• 44:41
  Just mom and big letters.
• 44:43
  Well, I honestly my relationship with my mom was generally OK.
• 44:47
  She didn't allow sneezing in the house, though.
• 44:49
  It was a big it was a big no, no.
• 44:51
  So oftentimes when I would get a little a tickle in the old factory,
• 44:56
  she would often come around and plug my nose up to pinch my nose.
• 44:59
  I would sneeze and blood would just brush to my head.
• 45:03
  My eyes would almost fall out of my face.
• 45:05
  And oftentimes she would shove me in closets if I sneezed out loud.
• 45:10
  And those closets were filled with with dust and dander.
• 45:12
  And I would sneeze even more.
• 45:14
  And she would just continue to get angrier and angrier as I sneezed.
• 45:18
  That must have been really tough for you to deal with, you know,
• 45:20
  almost passing out every time you have to sneeze and then being shoved into a closet.
• 45:24
  I couldn't imagine that.
• 45:25
  I can see why you may have some.
• 45:26
  I need you to imagine it so you can help me out.
• 45:29
  I'm trying going through it right now in my head.
• 45:33
  Did you mention something about an oil factory?
• 45:37
  Well, you know, my my mother is crippled, as you all might know.
• 45:41
  That's that's not really a secret.
• 45:44
  So oftentimes to get her around, we would just put oil on the ground
• 45:48
  and just kind of push her along.
• 45:50
  It would create less friction on the ground and we would just kind of shove her around,
• 45:53
  almost like what you might do with a slug.
• 45:57
  You also have a strange obsession with the tin man from Wizard of Oz.
• 46:01
  You feel like you always have to be oiled.
• 46:04
  So what that is?
• 46:05
  No, I have is I have an issue with tin men, and that's because
• 46:10
  I know we're not supposed to laugh.
• 46:12
  It's got to be unprofessional.
• 46:15
  That is because my mother, while crippled, had a very active man life.
• 46:20
  And I had about ten fathers.
• 46:23
  Same reason you can't go to Five Guys.
• 46:26
  I can't go to Five Guys because I can't have any more fathers.
• 46:30
  I can't. That's 15 dads, Evan.
• 46:32
  I can't do it anymore.
• 46:34
  We're starting to get to the root of your.
• 46:35
  Yeah. And every time I just slide my mother on that oil past Five Guys,
• 46:39
  she's like, we should go in there.
• 46:41
  I'm like, no, you're we already have tin man.
• 46:46
  We don't need five guys.
• 46:47
  We don't need five guys. OK, mom.
• 46:50
  And we just kind of kind of shove her back.
• 46:53
  And this is good. This is good.
• 46:54
  We're nearing a break.
• 46:57
  I don't think so.
• 47:00
  When you were a kid and you knew your mom didn't allow sneezing in the house,
• 47:04
  did you ever go outside to sneak a sneeze?
• 47:07
  I snuck a sneeze. I sneak sneezes.
• 47:08
  How did it make you feel when you snuck a sneeze and successfully
• 47:12
  hit it from your mom?
• 47:13
  Euphoric. I think I really think the dopamine rush I got from that,
• 47:17
  I would try to sell it.
• 47:18
  I would be the neighborhood sneeze dealer.
• 47:21
  So this is why you now view sneezes as sort of currency.
• 47:25
  You were trying to sell them and now you're trying to gain them.
• 47:28
  Absolutely. When I was younger, kids would come around the block
• 47:31
  and I would just I'd blow some some powder right in their face
• 47:34
  and they'd get high off of sneezes.
• 47:36
  Wow. I mean, everybody sneezed before.
• 47:38
  It's a rush. It feels so good.
• 47:40
  And I was kept from that as at a young age to the point where I use capitalism
• 47:45
  to deal out sneezes to people.
• 47:46
  I do want to dive more into that.
• 47:48
  But before we do, I want to go back to something you and Alan were just talking about.
• 47:52
  When you were able to successfully sneak a sneeze,
• 47:54
  did you then scurry and scoot upstairs to the safety of your schoolwork?
• 48:00
  When I when I snuck a sneeze out of the snow, I scurried in schoolwork.
• 48:04
  Yes, Evan.
• 48:06
  So, OK, you view sneezes as currency now is what you were just saying.
• 48:11
  Correct. I view sneezes as something that you can sell.
• 48:14
  Yeah. Was there a way to distribute these sneezes or was it purely just consumption of sneezes by you?
• 48:19
  But you'd be amazed about the community that I lived in,
• 48:22
  much like an Amish or Mennonite community that have very tight and stiff restrictions on what they believe.
• 48:29
  The community I lived in was a religious community called the Aachosin.
• 48:33
  And what they believed was sneezes were the devil's words.
• 48:39
  And there would be signs put up everywhere called Please Don't Sneeze.
• 48:43
  And if you did sneeze, you would have to be drug or slid with oil to the local church.
• 48:51
  And you would be sprinkled with oil.
• 48:54
  Oil is a very intricate part of the community.
• 48:57
  So oil was kind of a fix all in your Mennonite community.
• 49:03
  Well, the Aachosin.
• 49:04
  The Aachosin, yeah.
• 49:06
  I was kept from sneezing. And so a lot of the kids around the local neighborhood, so they would come to me for sneezes.
• 49:12
  Sneezes became a very precious commodity to the point that I started to run a mob.
• 49:18
  I was a gangster in the 1920s. Gangsters would run alcohol during prohibition.
• 49:25
  I would run sneezes in almost the same ways.
• 49:28
  For women, you would capture their sneezes and kind of sell them out to men.
• 49:33
  Were you kind of a sneeze pimp in that way?
• 49:36
  Yeah, I also pimped out women's sneezes.
• 49:39
  And if nobody paid for the sneeze to the face that the woman gave them, I'd come around and I would rough them up a little bit.
• 49:47
  Break a couple legs.
• 49:48
  I'd snap a couple knees. I was a rough guy back then. I'm not that guy anymore.
• 49:53
  Yeah, data don't play like that.
• 49:55
  I don't play like that.
• 49:56
  And y'all might understand the PTSD and hardship that might draw in some people that pimped out women for their sneezes and ran a almost mobster prohibition sneeze organization.
• 50:10
  Now, when you were pimping these women out, did you constantly keep them in a moldy environment so they would have like an eternal cold?
• 50:17
  Oh, I would find the ones that were genetically incapacitated.
• 50:22
  They were allergic to everything. I mean, some of them allergic to peanuts.
• 50:27
  I learned the hard way. A lot of deaths.
• 50:30
  But yeah, I keep them in a moldy closet.
• 50:33
  And I realize now the irony of that is I was kept in a moldy closet as a child.
• 50:38
  But from that, I learned that moldy closets are best to create sneezes. And the sneezes, it was running like a river.
• 50:46
  So you're treating you were treating these women the way that you were treated.
• 50:52
  I think that's a great I think that's a it's a great point.
• 50:56
  Evan, mark that down as a half breakthrough.
• 50:59
  Half breakthrough treating women as he was treated gay.
• 51:07
  Well, then, well, then so what do you all think after hearing all that? What do you all think the root of my problem is and how do I solve it?
• 51:16
  Well, I think it's pretty easy.
• 51:19
  And Evan and I I'm looking looking over at his notes right now and I can see his clipboard and he writes really big so I can I can see it from here.
• 51:27
  We've come to the same conclusions.
• 51:30
  I'd say you need to get your mom out of your life.
• 51:32
  OK, yeah.
• 51:33
  I'm saying be around things you're allergic to. Don't be afraid to sneeze.
• 51:38
  Pet dander, roll in it.
• 51:39
  Kick up a bunch of dirt.
• 51:40
  Maybe just pack a big sack of just animal hair and sleep on it.
• 51:44
  Would that be would that be a good thing to do?
• 51:46
  No, we don't want you to get addicted to the sneeze.
• 51:49
  We want you to live a healthy life.
• 51:52
  You and the sneeze living in a symbiotic relationship.
• 51:56
  OK, I like that. That's good.
• 51:57
  You're you're really making me play with fire.
• 51:59
  You'll be great with alcoholics.
• 52:01
  We want you to drink, but not too much.
• 52:04
  Too much.
• 52:05
  Have a sip every now and then.
• 52:06
  Have a healthy relationship.
• 52:08
  You need to play Mario more than you play Luigi, if that makes sense.
• 52:12
  Analogistically.
• 52:13
  Very makes a lot of sense.
• 52:15
  I will pretend to know what you're talking about in an effort to fit in.
• 52:22
  Evan and I, we are more like as we're therapists, we play Dr. Mario.
• 52:27
  Ah, OK.
• 52:28
  More than more than we play Mario.
• 52:31
  But, you know, you see, sir, we like to throw some hearts at you, you know.
• 52:37
  Don't let the banana peels get you down.
• 52:41
  Life may feel like a blue turtle shell is coming at you, but in reality, it's just a green one and you can dodge it.
• 52:46
  I'm always like a there's always a rainbow road ahead.
• 52:49
  I think don't let the Koopa Troopas of the world get you down.
• 52:51
  Be careful what you type on your Bowser.
• 52:56
  Out of this analogy, I think this is the most important piece of advice.
• 52:59
  If you don't hear anything else we say to you today, hear this.
• 53:02
  It's not about winning the battles.
• 53:04
  It's about winning the Wario's.
• 53:07
  You're helping me with Mario puns?
• 53:11
  That's what y'all concluded with.
• 53:14
  Y'all resorted to that.
• 53:15
  I wish we would have found it earlier on in the session.
• 53:17
  We could have probably ended early.
• 53:21
  You mean I didn't even need to tell you my problems.
• 53:23
  Y'all would have just hit me with some Mario puns as help.
• 53:27
  Was this a therapy session?
• 53:28
  I thought you came to us for tips on how to win Mario Kart.
• 53:31
  We were warming up the GameCube over here, just getting it queued up.
• 53:35
  You're talking about Nintendo Switches and I was like, oh, OK.
• 53:37
  Now we're talking about what I thought we were supposed to be here.
• 53:40
  You did tune in right when I said that.
• 53:42
  You're like, I'm zoomed back in now.
• 53:44
  I was looking at my notes here.
• 53:45
  I was like, he's talking a lot about his mom.
• 53:48
  Maybe he has Princess Peach issues.
• 53:50
  I don't know.
• 53:51
  I can't play her well.
• 53:53
  Then I was like, oh, I wrote down gay question marks.
• 53:55
  I was like, he probably plays Yoshi.
• 53:57
  Sure. That tracks.
• 53:59
  But that's our opinions about Yoshi.
• 54:01
  More. OK.
• 54:03
  Sometimes you might feel like you're the Waluigi, but you're not, man.
• 54:08
  You're like, thanks, Alan.
• 54:11
  You're Luigi at best.
• 54:14
  I have a I know I have a glass ceiling in your mind.
• 54:19
  It's limited.
• 54:21
  I feel better, I guess.
• 54:26
  This session cost me about fifteen hundred dollars paying you both for the hour.
• 54:31
  And we definitely spent less than an hour.
• 54:33
  We've got to make sure that we make money off this therapy session so that we don't have to work so that we can stay at home and play GameCube.
• 54:42
  OK, well, I'm going to get off this very wet chase lounge.
• 54:47
  It's so I don't want to bring it up initially.
• 54:50
  It's so and I don't want to know.
• 54:51
  I don't know if I want to know why we windexed it before you came in.
• 54:55
  And then we wiped off the windex.
• 54:57
  And then we sweat a lot while we were wiping it off.
• 55:01
  You're just standing over a derping.
• 55:05
  OK, well, thank you, guys.
• 55:07
  I'm I'm leaving.
• 55:10
  I'm leaving with more problems than I came with.
• 55:13
  Thanks for helping me, guys, I guess.
• 55:15
  But as tradition goes, let's give us some one liner wisdoms.
• 55:18
  Alan, one liner wisdom for the Saturday workers.
• 55:21
  Just because you can't read a book doesn't mean you shouldn't try and write one.
• 55:29
  That's good. That's good.
• 55:30
  All right, Evan, one liner wisdom for the Saturday workers.
• 55:34
  A square has four sides, but a sphere has another number of sides that I'm not totally sure of.
• 55:40
  But it's the same amount that your mom has.
• 55:43
  So you can probably roll her down a hill.
• 55:47
  Oh, man.
• 55:49
  Oh, man. There's nothing more.
• 55:51
  There's nothing better than an offensive wisdom.
• 55:54
  Sometimes sometimes the truth hurts, you know.
• 55:58
  Oh, man. Well, there you go.
• 56:00
  You all want to be done.
• 56:03
  Yes, please.
• 56:05
  Expect the detour.