Latest / Journal for Growth / The Struggle to Do the Thing: What's Behind It? | EP 03

Transcript

The Struggle to Do the Thing: What's Behind It? | EP 03 · Journal for Growth

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever decided you were going to do something, made a plan, gotten everything ready, and then when it came time to actually do it, you didn't?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not because something came up, not because you changed your mind.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: You just didn't do it.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: And the irritating part is that you actually wanted to.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: You had a good reason for doing it.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: You'd thought it through, decided it was worth the effort, and made a plan.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: So what the heck happened between making that plan and actually doing it?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you're like a lot of us, you probably don't spend much time investigating that question.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: You go straight to being annoyed with yourself.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And after a few rounds of that, you reach your conclusion.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm such a loser.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's helpful.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Glad we got to the bottom of that.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Think about what just happened.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: You had something you wanted to accomplish, you made a plan, and you didn't follow through.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Somehow you've managed to turn that into a verdict on your entire existence.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And what exactly did we learn from that?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: We still don't know why you didn't do it.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: We haven't even bothered to ask.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the strange part.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: We can handle all kinds of responsibilities.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: We get up and go to work, take care of things that need to be done, solve problems, and manage the ordinary demands of life.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: But give us one thing we've decided to do for ourselves, and suddenly we can't seem to get started.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's a legitimate question.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's a much more useful one than asking what's wrong with us.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: So let's look at an example.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: You've decided you want to get healthier.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: You've been thinking about it for a while, and you've finally decided to do something about it.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to start getting up at five o'clock every morning before work to exercise.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: You've picked out your exercises, gotten your workout clothes ready, and set your alarm.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're all set.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now all you have to do is get out of bed.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: How hard could that be?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, morning arrives.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: The alarm goes off at five, and you immediately discover something you apparently forgot to consider when you came up with this brilliant plan.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your bed is warm.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's comfortable.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're tired.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And getting out of it to go exercise sounds like a terrible idea.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: So you hit the snooze button.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Nine minutes later, the alarm goes off again.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're still warm, still comfortable, and still not particularly interested in leaving your bed.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: You hit snooze again.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: You do this a few more times until you've officially run out of time to work out.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now you have to get up and get ready for work.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Well, so much for that.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Later that day, you're irritated with yourself.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: You had everything ready.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: You knew what you wanted to do.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: All you had to do was get out of bed, and apparently, even that was too much to ask.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm such a loser.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I so unmotivated?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: If I really wanted to get healthy, I would have gotten up.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And there it is.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: We've figured out the problem.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're a loser who doesn't care enough about her health to get out of bed.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Except, we haven't figured out a thing.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: All we actually know is that you planned to get up at 5 o'clock to exercise and you didn't.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's what happened.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Everything else is something you've decided that experience means.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And we do this constantly.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Something happens and we give it meaning.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: We decide what it says about the situation, about other people, or about ourselves.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the time, we don't even notice we're doing it.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: The interpretation happens so quickly that we treat it as part of the event itself.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Think about the difference between these two statements.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't get up at five o'clock to work out.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an unmotivated loser who obviously doesn't care about her health.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: One describes what happened, the other is a whole collection of judgments that we've somehow managed to squeeze out of one morning spent hitting the snooze button.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the problem.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Once we've decided what something means, we tend to respond to that interpretation rather than the actual circumstances.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: If I believe the problem is that I'm lazy and unmotivated, then my solution is going to be to stop being lazy and unmotivated.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell myself to try harder, develop some discipline, and quit making excuses.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe read a hundred self-help books on the subject.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's great.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Except I still haven't figured out why I didn't get out of bed.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Was I exhausted because I stayed up too late?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Did I seriously underestimate how much I'd hate getting out of a warm bed at five in the morning?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Did I choose a time that doesn't work particularly well for me?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Or was I simply unwilling to make the effort required to do something I'd decided was important?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Those are very different explanations.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And depending on which one is true, the solution could be very different.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I just didn't want to get out of bed.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Fine, then that's what I need to deal with.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: But calling myself a loser doesn't explain why I didn't get up, and it sure isn't going to help me figure out what to do about it.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: And here's another thing.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: How did one morning of hitting the snooze button turn into a statement about how much I care about my health?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's a pretty big leap.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to get healthier.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: I decided that meant getting up at five o'clock to exercise.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't get up, so now I've decided I must not want to be healthy badly enough.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Do you see what I've done?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: I've accepted the idea that if I really want something, I'll automatically do whatever it takes to get it.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And if I don't do it, I must not want it enough.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: But wanting something and being willing to do what it takes to get it are two different things.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And even when we're willing, that doesn't mean every plan we come up with is going to work.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Think about it.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I can genuinely want to get healthier and still have absolutely no desire to crawl out of a warm bed at five in the morning.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: I want the benefits of being healthier.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean I'm going to enjoy every activity involved in getting there, or that I'm automatically going to choose a benefit I'll experience months from now over the comfort I'm enjoying right this minute.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And there's another distinction worth making.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Being willing to put in the effort doesn't mean being willing to follow any plan under any circumstances simply because I decided it was a good idea.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the effort is necessary and I need to get on with it.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Other times, the plan itself deserves a second look.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: The fact that I didn't get up doesn't tell me which of those situations I'm dealing with.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I've already decided it means I'm unmotivated and don't care enough about my health.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: And now I've got that little piece of information about myself tucked away, ready to influence what happens next.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: So how does this play out the next morning?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't get up.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I may not even set my alarm for five.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm now depressed and probably giving up on the whole idea of getting healthy.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And what's my first thought?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: See, I knew it.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm such a loser.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: One more piece of evidence for the collection.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: But think about this for a minute.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I get up for work every morning.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: I show up on time, handle my responsibilities, meet deadlines, keep appointments, and manage all sorts of things I don't particularly feel like doing.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: But apparently, none of that counts as motivation or follow-through.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And we do this with all kinds of beliefs.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Ever decided somebody doesn't like you?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly, you start noticing everything they do that might prove it.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: They walk past without saying hello.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: They don't answer your text right away.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: They seem distracted when you're talking to them.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, I knew it.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: They don't like me.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Never mind that they might have had a lousy day or been preoccupied with something.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: You've already decided what their behavior means.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And now every little thing gets added to the evidence pile.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, when that same person is friendly or invites you to lunch, you find a reason it doesn't count.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Or you don't even notice.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, isn't that convenient?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Everything that supports the belief counts, and everything that challenges it somehow doesn't make it into the record.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: There's a name for this: confirmation bias.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's our tendency to notice, interpret, and remember information in ways that support what we already believe, while giving less attention or importance to information that challenges those beliefs.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the irritating part is that we usually have no idea we're doing it.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: We think we're looking at the facts.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: We're not deliberately throwing away evidence, we're just giving certain things more importance because they fit the explanation we've already accepted.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: I've become a very selective accountant.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm keeping careful records of every failure and throwing away half the receipts.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: But there's more to this than noticing evidence that supports what we believe.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when we start expecting our beliefs to be true?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go back to our five o'clock workout.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: I've already decided I'm an unmotivated loser.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: So when I think about trying again, I'm expecting to fail.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that expectation starts changing how I approach the situation.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't bother figuring out why getting up was difficult in the first place.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: I don't consider going to bed earlier, adjusting my evening routine, or finding a way to make the morning easier.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Why would I?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I've already decided the problem is me.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, I might stop trying altogether.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: And the next time I think about getting healthier, I'll remember that I gave up on my workout plan.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: See?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: I never follow through with anything.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: We've come full circle.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I started with a belief about myself.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: That belief directed what I noticed and what I expected.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: My expectations affected how I approached the situation, and the decisions I made contributed to what happened next.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Then I used that outcome as proof that my original belief was correct.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: The frustrating part is that I've helped create some of the evidence I'm now using against myself.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I deliberately set out to fail, but because I started making decisions based on something I'd already accepted as true.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: And this doesn't just happen with personal goals.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Think about someone who believes nobody appreciates what they do.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: They notice every thank you that never came and every effort that went unrecognized.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: When someone does acknowledge them, they dismiss it because the person was just being polite or didn't really mean it.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, they become resentful.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: They start withdrawing from people or responding with irritation before anyone has even done anything.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Other people react to that behavior.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships become strained.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: People start keeping their distance.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: And now what does our person believe?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: See, nobody appreciates me.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Except their belief didn't just affect how they interpreted other people's behavior, it also influenced how they treated those people, which helped create the very situation they now consider proof that they were right.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's a pretty powerful cycle.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it isn't limited to negative beliefs.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: If I believe I'm always right, I can collect plenty of evidence for that, too.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Every time something turns out the way I predicted, I remember it.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I'm wrong, I have a perfectly good explanation for why that particular incident doesn't count.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Confirmation bias isn't particularly interested in whether our beliefs are flattering, insulting, helpful, or completely ridiculous.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: It makes it easier for us to keep believing what we already believe.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: The longer that continues, the more convincing those beliefs can become.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: We start treating our conclusions as established facts, even when we've been examining only the evidence that agrees with them, which ought to make us a little suspicious of the things we're absolutely certain about.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: So what do we do with that?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: For starters, we can question the evidence we've been collecting.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Think about something you believe about yourself.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: What experiences are you using to support that belief?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: And what experiences have you been overlooking because they don't fit?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: If I believe I never follow through, I ought to consider the commitments I've kept, the projects I've finished, and the responsibilities I handle every day.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I'm trying to convince myself that I'm actually wonderful at everything, but because those experiences are part of the evidence too.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're not trying to replace one questionable conclusion with another one that happens to sound nicer.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: We're trying to figure out whether what we believe is actually true.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: And if we've been collecting evidence for only one side of the argument, well, we haven't exactly been conducting a fair investigation, have we?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I like about recognizing this cycle.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Once I understand what's happening, I have an opportunity to approach things differently.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: I can question my assumptions, consider evidence I've overlooked, and make decisions based on something other than the conclusion I've already reached about myself.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't guarantee I'll get out of bed tomorrow morning.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I may still decide that I'd rather stay right where I am.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: But at least I can investigate what's happening instead of using every missed workout as another opportunity to insult myself.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that brings me back to something we've managed to overlook during this entire discussion.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: We've spent all this time examining why I can't get out of bed at five o'clock.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: We've questioned my motivation, my ability to follow through, and the beliefs I've developed about myself.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: But there's one question we haven't bothered asking.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Why the heck did I decide I needed to get up at five o'clock in the first place?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Seriously, where did that idea even come from?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: We've all heard about these incredibly successful people who get up at four or five o'clock every morning.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: They've exercised, meditated, read three chapters of a book, planned their day, and apparently conquered half the known universe before the rest of us have even found the coffee pot.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: And we're supposed to believe that's part of the secret to their success.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's a question.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Did getting up at five make them successful?
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or do they get up at five because that's what works for their lives?
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because those are two very different things.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Someone who runs a company might get up early because it's the only quiet time they have.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Someone else might naturally wake up early and enjoy having a few hours to themselves.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Another person might have absolutely no other time available.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: But we hear about the successful person who gets up early, and suddenly we've decided that getting up early must be what makes people successful.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's quite a conclusion to draw from somebody else's alarm clock.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where we get ourselves into trouble.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: We take something that works for another person and turn it into a rule about what we should be doing.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Successful people get up early.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Therefore, if I want to be successful, I need to get up early.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if I can't manage that, I must not have what it takes.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: There we go again.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: We've taken a perfectly ordinary piece of information about someone else's life and somehow managed to turn it into an insult directed at ourselves.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: And we do this constantly.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody tells us successful people have strict morning routines, so we decide we need one.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody says we should read 50 books a year, so now we're feeling guilty because we've only read 12.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody tells us we need to drink a gallon of water every day, and suddenly we're carrying around a container big enough to qualify as luggage.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody's got a system, a routine, or an opinion about what we should be doing.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: And thanks to the internet, we have access to every single one of them.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there's nothing wrong with learning from people who've accomplished something we admire.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Other people's experiences can save us time, help us avoid mistakes, and introduce us to approaches we'd never considered.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a big difference between learning from someone's experience and treating their choices like instructions for our own lives.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of asking what successful people do, wouldn't it make more sense to ask what made those choices work?
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say someone gets up at five to exercise because they have three kids, a demanding job, and absolutely no time to themselves once everyone else is awake.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Getting up early gives them an uninterrupted hour to take care of their health.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that makes sense.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: But what if I live alone, work an early shift, and have plenty of time available in the afternoon?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I trying to force myself into their routine?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because some stranger on the internet told me that's what successful people do?
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's a pretty lousy reason to rearrange my life.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: And here's another thing worth considering.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: We hear about the people who succeeded with a particular approach.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: We don't hear nearly as much about everyone who tried the same thing and got nowhere.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: How many unsuccessful people also get up at five?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: And how many successful people sleep until seven?
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: The fact that successful people do something doesn't automatically mean doing it will make us successful.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's confusing a habit with a cause.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: We make that mistake with exercise programs, diets, productivity systems, business strategies, and just about anything else.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: We copy what someone did without understanding which parts actually contributed to their results.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Then, when we don't get the same outcome, we assume we must not have worked hard enough or been disciplined enough.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe we copied the wrong thing.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of treating every piece of advice like an assignment, we could investigate it.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: What was this person trying to accomplish?
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Why did their approach work?
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: And does that reasoning apply to my own circumstances?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe what made the difference in their five o'clock workout wasn't the time of day at all.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was having a regular exercise schedule, making their health a priority, or preparing everything the night before.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Those are useful ideas.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: I can apply them without getting out of bed before the sun comes up.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: I might discover that exercising in the afternoon makes more sense for my life.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or I might discover that five o'clock really is my best option, and I need to quit negotiating with the snooze button and get my butt out of bed.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: Either way, I'm making that decision based on my own circumstances, instead of trying to prove I'm capable of living someone else's life.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's using advice instead of being ruled by it.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: But there's another question worth asking, and this one goes a little deeper.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Whose idea of success am I trying to live up to?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because we can spend an awful lot of time chasing things we've never actually decided we want.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: We're told successful people are constantly improving themselves, accomplishing more, making more money, building businesses, getting in shape, and using every available minute productively.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that sounds exhausting.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: And who decided that's what success looks like?
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: What if I want a comfortable life, good relationships, enough money to pay my bills, and time to do things I enjoy?
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: What if I have absolutely no interest in running a company, becoming wealthy, or accomplishing more before breakfast than most people do all day?
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: Does that mean I'm not successful?
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: According to whose standards?
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is where we need to pay attention to the expectations we've accepted without realizing it.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: An expectation can become so familiar that we stop recognizing it as something we learned from somewhere.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: It just feels like the way things are supposed to be.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: I should be more productive.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: I should be making more money.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: I should be exercising every morning.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: I should have accomplished more by now.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Says who?
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: And why?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: And here's something else worth considering.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Just because I've spent years believing I should want something doesn't necessarily mean I actually want it.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: I might be working my butt off trying to become more successful when what I'm really trying to do is stop feeling unsuccessful compared with everyone around me.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: Those are two very different things.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: One is about something I genuinely want to accomplish.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: The other is about trying to measure up to a standard I might never have chosen for myself.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if I don't recognize that difference, I could spend an awful lot of time chasing something that was never particularly important to me in the first place.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that doesn't mean every expectation we've picked up from other people is wrong.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: There are standards worth adopting, and people whose experience and judgment we should take seriously.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes someone else's advice is exactly what we need to hear, especially when it challenges something we've been avoiding.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: The point isn't to automatically reject advice any more than it is to automatically accept it.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's to examine what we're being told and decide.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it makes sense for us.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that brings us back to the reason I started this whole five o'clock nonsense in the first place.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to get healthier.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: But we've spent all this time talking about when I'm supposed to exercise, whether I'm motivated enough to get out of bed, and what my inability to follow through supposedly says about me.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: We've questioned the plan, the expectations behind it, and just about everything else.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: Except the one thing we probably should have figured out before making the plan.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: What exactly am I trying to accomplish?
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: I keep saying I want to get healthier, but what does that actually mean to me?
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: Am I trying to have more energy, build strength, improve my endurance or mobility, lose weight?
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or would I just like to make it through the afternoon without feeling like I've been run over by a truck?
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because those are different things.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: And depending on what I'm trying to accomplish, getting up at five in the morning to exercise might not even be the best place to start.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: Think about something as simple as getting organized.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: If I tell you I want to get organized, you might picture a spotless house with everything labeled and tucked neatly into its own little container.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: Personally, I might just want to be able to find my car keys without conducting a full-scale search of the premises.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: Those are two very different versions of organized.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: And if I adopt your definition instead of figuring out my own, I could end up spending a small fortune on matching storage containers when all I really needed was a hook by the front door.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: We've made a pretty simple problem a whole lot more complicated than it needed to be.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: And we do the same thing with getting healthier.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: We've learned to associate health with certain activities: exercising, eating vegetables, drinking more water, counting steps, going to the gym, getting enough sleep.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: Those can all be useful things to do, but none of them tells me what I'm actually trying to change about my life.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: What we want to accomplish and how we plan to accomplish it are two separate decisions.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: And when we skip the first one, we can end up working awfully hard at a plan without ever figuring out whether it's going to get us what we actually want.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say I'm exhausted every afternoon.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: By the time I get home from work, I've barely got enough energy to make dinner and take care of the things that need to be done, let alone enjoy any of my evening.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I decide I need to get healthier.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: And because getting healthier apparently means exercising, I make a plan to start working out at five in the morning.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now, think about that for a minute.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: My problem is that I'm exhausted.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: And my brilliant solution is to get less sleep so I can exercise before work.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: What could possibly go wrong?
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: Exercise can certainly improve energy and overall health.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: But if I'm already running on six hours of sleep, getting up earlier without changing anything else might leave me even more exhausted than I was before.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: What if the first thing I actually need to address is sleep?
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or the amount I'm trying to cram into each day, or what I'm eating, or a health problem I haven't bothered getting checked.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: I won't know until I stop assuming I already have the solution and start figuring out what's actually causing the problem.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: And here's where this gets interesting.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: Once I get specific about what I want, I start seeing possibilities that weren't even on the table before.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: What I actually want is to get through my workday without feeling completely drained and still have enough energy left to enjoy my evenings.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm trying to accomplish.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: And now that I've figured that out, I can start investigating what's getting in the way.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: I can pay attention to how much sleep I'm getting, when I feel most tired, what I'm eating, and how physically demanding my day has been.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: I can consider whether I'm allowing myself enough time to recover and whether exercise would actually help with what I'm experiencing.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of assuming I already know what to do, I can start exploring some of those possibilities.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: I might discover that getting more sleep makes a difference.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: I might try exercising in the afternoon and find that I enjoy it.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: Or I might discover that exercise isn't what I need to address first.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: The interesting part is that I don't have to figure everything out before I start.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: I can try something, pay attention to what happens, and use what I learned to decide what to do next.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: And if something doesn't work, that doesn't automatically mean I've failed.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: It means I've learned something about an approach I tried.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now I can use that information to decide whether to adjust it, try something different, or reconsider what I thought was causing the problem.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's a whole lot more useful than spending another week trying to prove I have enough discipline to get out of bed at five.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm no longer asking, how do I force myself to get up at five?
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm asking, what's making me so tired and what can I do about it?
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: See how much more useful that question is?
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think I'm going to stop myself here before I find another six things to investigate.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: Once I get going on these subjects, I could talk about this stuff for days.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: And apparently, I have absolutely no problem coming up with more questions than I started with.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: But I think we've discovered something pretty important.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: We started with one missed workout and somehow ended up questioning our beliefs, our expectations, the advice we've accepted, and whether the plan we came up with even made sense in the first place.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: All because I couldn't drag myself out of bed at five o'clock.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I find interesting.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing about that morning has changed.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: I still didn't get up, I still missed my workout, but after examining what happened, I have a very different understanding of it.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: And with that understanding come choices I couldn't see when I was busy deciding what was wrong with me.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's really what I'd like you to take away from this conversation.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: When we don't understand what's happening, we make decisions based on what we assume is happening.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: And those assumptions can direct a whole lot more than one decision.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: So the next time you find yourself wondering why you can't seem to do something you've decided you want to do, consider spending a little time investigating that question before you decide you already know the answer.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: You might discover that you need a different plan.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: You might discover that you need to put in more effort.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or you might discover that you've been trying to accomplish the right thing in completely the wrong way.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: At least you'll have given yourself a chance to figure it out.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've got something in your own life you'd like to investigate, I've put together a free companion journaling workbook to help you work through some of the questions we've explored today.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: You'll find the link in the episode description.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: There are two versions available one you can print and write in, and another you can type your answers into.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me again for another conversation.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for joining me today.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.