Latest / (re)Parenting Radio / 28: When Stable Feels Suspicious and Calm Feels Destabilizing

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28: When Stable Feels Suspicious and Calm Feels Destabilizing · (re)Parenting Radio

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reparenting Radio.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Lisa Watson, architect of human transformation.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is a space for leaders, parents, and anyone ready to break old patterns, regulate their nervous system, and show up in their life with clarity and self-trust.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready to change the way you lead, love, and live, you're in the right place.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let's begin.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Reparenting Radio.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: There has been this truth that I've been integrating with myself lately and has been coming up with my sessions with clients, and that is just because you're uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna I'm gonna say that again because I want I want you to sit with that for just a second.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Open your mind, listen, take a deep breath.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Just because you're uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: We have been trained, deeply trained, to interpret discomfort as a red flag.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Discomfort must mean misalignment.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: It must mean that there's something off.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: It must mean that I made the wrong choice.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: But what if discomfort is something just unfamiliar?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Let me let me tell you a story.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: There was a season of my life where everything got really quiet.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: I moved to Mexico over four years ago, and I just moved back to the States recently, as many of you know who listen and follow me.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't move there to Mexico because it was practical, or because I really had a plan.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't strategic.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't really optimizing anything.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: We agreed, that said go.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, I have always listened to that voice, that gut feeling, that one that says, leap now.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because I trust in that intuition, I trust in that higher self-guidance.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: I I know that there's a part of me that is leading and guiding me in this life.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm able to surrender to that God force energy, higher self, whatever you want to call it, inside of me.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: The deeper instinct, that quiet knowing that doesn't come with a lot of explanation, a PowerPoint presentation.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: It just says this is the next experience.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I've always wanted to be someone, I always have been someone who has really stretched herself.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: I've been into personal development and spirituality since I was very young, like 14 years old.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I've always been trained from a young age to see the benefits in stepping outside of my comfort zone.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: I also, before moving to Mexico, I guess, I've never lived, I had never lived in another country before.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I romanticized that idea a little bit too.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: But I always wanted to be someone who lived in a different country, who lived differently, who didn't just talk about courage and doing courageous things, but actually did them.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And at first, when, you know, the idea of moving there, packing up, actually moving there, at first it felt very expansive.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: It felt brave, it was exciting, it felt aligned, it felt like I was becoming, you know, a bigger, better version of myself.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: It also came with a lot of dysregulation.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Moving to a new country, the transition that was involved the first couple months there was very, very challenging for my nervous system.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: But even that felt expansive to me.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And brave and aligned.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: But then after things settled down, my nervous system got used to the environment, the flow, things got really, really quiet.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: The town that I lived in was very small, about 6,000 people.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, a lot of them were expats that would come and go.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: There weren't a lot of things to do, really, at all.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: It was very quiet.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: There weren't endless events, there weren't constant, you know, like new opportunities to meet people.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Most events I went to, maybe five people would show up or something like that.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Go to the beach and there's nobody around.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was just very, very quiet place.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: There wasn't a lot of comparison, you know, there wasn't a lot of social scoreboards running in the background.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so after about a year and a half, I had experienced what that, you know, that area, the town that I was living in, Toto Santos, what it had had to offer me.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: And there was just, there was nothing there really to distract me.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: There was no chaos, no urgency, no big, you know, external things happening, no, no places to go distract myself, no shopping malls or, you know, endless events or even neighbors' houses to run over to.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Just me, my thoughts, my ambition, my relationship, my fears, my dreams, my boredom, my nervous system.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: I got to know it all really, really well.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when it became confronting.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Not because it was wrong, but because it was stable.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: When there's no chaos to manage, then there's nothing to distract yourself from, there's no drama, there's no problems to solve, no intensity, you're left with one question What do I actually want?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And that question is far more destabilizing than even moving countries.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you ask yourself that question honestly, what do I really want?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Without distraction, that question you can't answer it from performance.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can't answer it from proving.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: You can't answer it from the ego, and you can't answer it from, well, what would look impressive?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: What is everyone else doing?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'll just follow the herd.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: That'll keep me safe.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: There's no herd to follow.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: There's just you.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And you have to answer it from truth.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And truth often feels uncomfortable at first.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: So when I sat with that question long enough many, many months, what surfaced was I don't actually want to build a detached online social media driven coaching business.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to optimize funnels in solitude.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to have my impact be primarily through screens.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's the conclusion that I came to.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: What I want is proximity.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be close to my children.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: I want real social connections, real rooms, eye contact, embodied conversations.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be of service in a way that feels relational, not transactional.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to help people remember who they really are.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Not perform their healing, not give them all the answers, perform their alignment, but help them to remember.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And that clarity, it didn't come with fireworks, it didn't come, you know, all fun and games or anything.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: It came in discomfort.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: It came after I let go of performing, I let go of the masks, I let go of the distractions.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because that conclusion needed me to let go of identities.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: The brave expat, the hyper-independent digital entrepreneur, the woman who can do it anywhere and prove it.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And letting go of identity feels like it feels like death to the ego and to the nervous system, even when it's growth.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: What I see over and over again is that in myself and in others, that when things calm down, when life smooths out, when distractions are taken away, when real a relationship maybe becomes steady, you're not asked to perform anymore within it, when a business has a quiet week, no problems, when there isn't a fire to put out, when people aren't panicking, when you're not being rushed, sometimes we start to think that something's wrong.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe things just don't feel like they did in that prior relationship.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that prior relationship you were a people pleaser.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: It was codependent.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And now you're in a relationship that isn't that, and it feels wrong.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's not wrong.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: And the quietness that I went through and the boredom, it wasn't wrong.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: It just felt uncomfortable because it was different.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: And we assume that something's wrong.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we feel like this is boring, or you know, there's just no spark here in this relationship, or maybe there's less drama.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you just kind of feel flat or like something's missing.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: And you think, well, this can't be right.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't, you know, my last relationships were like this, and I it should look like this, it should feel like that.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what to do with myself.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: I feel uncomfortable.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta fill the space.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Calm can feel boring.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: When your nervous system is wired for intensity, calm feels boring.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because most of us were imprinted early with activation.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: If love in your early years came with unpredictability, like walking on eggshells, emotionally immature caregivers, your body is going to associate intensity with connection.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you were praised for achievement and you were not praised when you didn't achieve, then you may find your worth in performing, being the strong one.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your body associates pressure with purpose.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: If attention came when you were funny or dramatic or, you know, exceptionally smart or witty, your body associates activation with safety.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: So when life becomes stable, boring, less distractions, your partner isn't asking for codependency from you or for you to please him or her and fulfill their needs.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: When someone texts you consistently and there's no drama, there's no jealousy, there's no emotional spikes, when your team at work is maybe operating without crisis and revenue is just flowing without panic, or maybe your calendar has space in it now, your nervous system doesn't relax.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: It scans.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because it use it's used to spikes.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's used to little inserts of drama and distraction.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a chemical component to this as well, a hormonal chemical component.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Adrenaline, cortisol, dopamine relief.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: When you're in chaos, your body spikes.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: When the spike resolves, there's a dopamine drop.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that relief feels like closeness.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like passion, chemistry.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: But what it actually is is activation followed by discharge.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's the template that your operating system learned early, that's the programming that it learned.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Calm won't feel romantic.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: It will feel flat.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: And flat will feel wrong and uncomfortable.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: And wrong and uncomfortable will send you searching.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: You might you might stir something up, you might overcommit or manufacture urgency.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: You might chase something that's unavailable or leave a stable situation because it didn't feel exciting or electric.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: But not because it was wrong, because it was unfamiliar.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: For me, Mexico removed my spikes.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: And without spikes, I had to just sit with myself.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: I had to sit with am I building what I actually want?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Am I building what looks impressive?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Am I choosing this because I want it?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or because it proves something?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or because it fulfills a script.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: But by removing all the noise and the distraction, I was able to remove the scoreboard.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: And we have been domesticated into scoreboard living.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I talked about this just on a podcast I did a couple weeks ago about the scoreboard self.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Achievement equals worth, visibility equals value, optimization equals alignment, busyness equals importance.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: When you step off the scoreboard, you don't immediately feel enlightened though.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not at all.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: You feel disoriented.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: When I first moved to Mexico, the first week there, I was completely dysregulated.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I had sold my house, sold my car, packed up, sold most of my belongings, packed up my stuff to fit into a vehicle.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: My husband and I ended up living in another country.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Here we were with our cats that were freaking out.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: They did not enjoy the four hours sitting on the tarmac having to de-ice the plane that day that we flew out.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: And when I got to Mexico, I remember we went to the grocery store like about 12 hours later after we had landed.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: I nearly passed out in the grocery store just because my nervous system was so dysregulated.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: I walked in there and everything just felt so unfamiliar.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: I did not speak Spanish or read it, and I'm in this grocery store looking around, and there was nothing for me to hold on to that felt familiar or stabilizing.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember my knees buckled and I was holding on to the shopping cart and I nearly fell down.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: If I didn't have the cart, I would have just fallen.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: That was uncomfortable.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: But it wasn't wrong.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: It was just an adjustment period.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: It was taking my nervous system a place it had never been, and it didn't feel safe.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: There was a time in my life when being provocative as a woman kept connection alive.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean like intellectually provocative, I mean energetically, like sexually, magnetically, like attention was currency to me.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I learned very early that being desirable kept me connected.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: So when stability entered my life in a deeper way, particularly in my in my current marriage, my second marriage here, and sexuality wasn't the glue that was holding it all together anymore, because my connection with my husband is much, much more than that.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: But there was something that I hadn't really experienced, or were trained as women from a very small age to dress up and look good and perform for men, right?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: But when I married my second husband, and that wasn't what he needed me to do for him, which was quite a bit different than my previous experiences where I felt more like the trophy wife.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: There was less intensity and less performing, and and that was confronting to me.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: It was uncomfortable.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: At first it felt wrong.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because who you are without performance can feel fake.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: It can feel unnatural, especially if you've been wearing that mask for a long time.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: And neutral can feel like loss.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: It can feel like something's missing.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: But neutral can also be safety.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: And safety can feel boring, just like Mexico.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: When you're used to being activated all the time and distracted all the time and performing all the time.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're in a season of your life where things are calm, or you're looking to find that calm place, before you assume that you need to leave the calm, before you reactivate chaos, ask yourself, Am I uncomfortable because this is wrong?
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I uncomfortable because this is new and different to my nervous system?
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: And what is it that I really want?
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Am I uncomfortable because this is wrong, or am I uncomfortable because this is new are two very different questions.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: Mexico was uncomfortable, but it wasn't wrong.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, he's not so new anymore, nine years.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: But my second husband, that part of our relationship feeling uncomfortable, wasn't there was nothing wrong with it.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: It was just so different.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: It lacked codependency, it lacked people pleasing, it lacked needing to perform, and it felt strange.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: But it clarified me and it forced me to ask, what do I really want?
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is uncomfortable, but is this what I want?
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: And in my marriage and in moving to Mexico, the answers are yes.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: And Mexico changed for me.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: I learned through the quiet that.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: I learned what I really wanted, and I also learned that I had moved into a new season of my life where I no longer needed that quiet and that isolation.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: That I could reintegrate myself into the chaos a little bit.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: I could move closer to my children.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: I could disconnect from social media and start to build a consulting business out of actual real social connection and face-to-face interactions.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: The questions that we ask ourselves are the most important and will give us the greatest clarity if we answer them honestly.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: How do I want to spend my time?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: What do I really want?
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: What is my nervous system really looking for to settle down?
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because for me, what I really want, how I really want to spend my time is not by maximizing my status.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's by being closer to my children, by being of service, by fulfilling my mission, by helping people remember how powerful they are, and that they're creators of their own reality, and that we're not here to rack up points on a social scoreboard.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: We're here to experience, we're here to create, to play, to evolve.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: And play doesn't always look impressive or exciting.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it looks quiet.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it looks like fewer rooms and deeper conversations.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it looks like saying no to growth that isn't yours.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it looks like returning home.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that return can feel like failure to a culture that worships expansion.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: But what if contraction is wisdom?
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: What if stability is integration?
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: What if boredom is just the absence of performance?
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: I see leaders, founders, and business people do this all the time.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: A smooth month feels suspicious.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: A calm team feels lazy.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: A week without crisis feels like something must be ready to collapse.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: So we create urgency, we add more projects, we push harder because intensity feels like control.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: But control through activation is not sovereignty, it's conditioning.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just because you're uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes discomfort is the detox.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's your nervous system recalibrating to peace.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's the moment that you realize that you've been chasing intensity, not alignment.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I want you to try this week, if this is aligning with you.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: If stability feels suspicious, if calm feels boring, if quiet feels confronting, before you leave it, before you create drama, ask yourself if I wasn't measuring my life against social norms, if I wasn't trying to impress anyone, if I wasn't keeping score, what would I choose?
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: Who would I move closer to?
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: What would I stop chasing?
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: What would I build differently?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: Just because you're uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: Sit in the discomfort long enough to be able to hear the answer.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because just because you're uncomfortable does not mean it's wrong.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it means you're finally hearing your own truth.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: And oftentimes we simply have to get uncomfortable before we're able to switch our perception of our reality.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: And truth, sometimes it doesn't shout very loud.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: It just waits and it's quiet.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you all for being here.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: I will see you next week, and I want to remind you that if you're interested in a free download on managing time programs or reprogramming your time programs, go into the show notes here, and there is a link to a free document of how you can start to unwind your time programs.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: I think you'll love it.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Reparenting Radio.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: If today's conversation supported you, take a moment to subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who knows they were made for more than the patterns that they inherited.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready for serious inner work and real transformation, personally or professionally, you can explore my leadership pathways at Lisa-Watson.com.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're raising little ones alongside your own healing, you'll find my children's books at awakentheone.org.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay grounded, stay open, and keep reparenting the parts of you that are ready to come home to their authenticity.