Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / If You Don't Want To Do What Your Husband Wants In Bed Here's A Secret Hack To Make Him Happy Anyway

Transcript

If You Don't Want To Do What Your Husband Wants In Bed Here's A Secret Hack To Make Him Happy Anyway · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. This one was supposed to be a
• 0:10
  subscriber only episode, but cause I'm up to that it's every
• 0:14
  20 or 25% of them based on whatever I decide at the moment.
• 0:19
  So every four or five of them, but um, I decided to make it a
• 0:24
  free one because I wanted to be able to share this idea with
• 0:28
  more people as it is. Pretty paradigm-shifting for
• 0:32
  many but still do subscribe. And that's one.
• 0:35
  Yup. Is what your child learns from
• 0:37
  observing you with your partner and many people think that if
• 0:41
  they're just not like yelling or in open active conflict with
• 0:45
  their spouse. That their child is just, you
• 0:48
  know, kind of like a plan, that's just there, and not
• 0:51
  really picking out much and just doing their own thing.
• 0:54
  They're not, they're observing you constantly.
• 0:57
  They're observing you and your spouse and how you interact and
• 1:01
  that is extremely Integral to the template that they develop
• 1:08
  for how interpersonal relationship should work such as
• 1:11
  their own later, Intimate Relationships, I'm even
• 1:13
  friendships. So that's going to be the
• 1:15
  subscriber episode tomorrow. So please do subscribe now
• 1:19
  anyway, so let's talk about this topic of what men want in bed
• 1:25
  and let's just do higher libido partner in parentheses whenever
• 1:29
  I say men, because as I've said, it's more often men, but there
• 1:32
  are women who are the higher libido partner So what a lot of
• 1:37
  men want, what? Every High libido man wants is
• 1:43
  some sort of novelty in their sex life, why?
• 1:47
  Because you know what you only live once and there's two
• 1:51
  reasons. The first one is overuse of
• 1:53
  porn. So stop, you know, stop watching
• 1:56
  too much porn, because most women are not, you know, porn
• 2:00
  actresses. And therefore, they do not do
• 2:02
  the things in porn. Because the people who do do the
• 2:04
  things important, When you're being paid to do them, they
• 2:06
  probably don't like doing them very much.
• 2:08
  But anyway the second is that we're all gonna die and by about
• 2:13
  mid life, men realize if I don't do these things that I've always
• 2:18
  yearned for even before many of my clients even before
• 2:22
  smartphones and even the internet was a thing.
• 2:26
  I have wanted for example to get a blow job and if my wife of you
• 2:30
  know, 20 years will not ever do that and there are people in
• 2:34
  this Situation. Then I am going to go to my
• 2:37
  grave, never having had a blow job which I, you know, find to
• 2:42
  be horrible. You know, and pretty, pretty
• 2:45
  morbid and I want something that makes me feel different and new
• 2:49
  at this stage in my life. I mean, this is why people cheat
• 2:52
  honestly not to get blowjobs. Although that could be a
• 2:54
  secondary reason. But if you read Esther perils
• 2:57
  mating in captivity, which everybody should she talks about
• 3:00
  that. The number one reason people
• 3:01
  cheat is that they feel alive, you know, you get to a stage in
• 3:04
  life. Life is just one fucking thing
• 3:06
  right after another feel like you're on a hamster wheel.
• 3:09
  And so people want that feeling again, at least in part of being
• 3:13
  young having options, having potential, you get up in the
• 3:18
  morning, you don't exactly know every single goddamn thing
• 3:21
  that's going to happen that day, like you do as an adult and as a
• 3:25
  parent, especially, you're trying to keep your kids on some
• 3:27
  kind of a routine. So, I mean, what could be so
• 3:29
  exciting? You know, if there is an
• 3:31
  exciting thing, it's a vacation that you fucking plans that, you
• 3:34
  know, Down to the minute. Everything that's going to
• 3:36
  happen. Pretty much so people cheat
• 3:39
  because they want this sense of adventure of Youth.
• 3:43
  It's frequently not even because they're dissatisfied in their
• 3:45
  marriages so related when men want novelty in their sex lives,
• 3:51
  it's because there's really no novelty anywhere else.
• 3:54
  This is the most important thing to them.
• 3:55
  The most important love language and at a certain point, you
• 3:59
  know, you've changed your careers enough times.
• 4:01
  You've figured out what you want to do for your life.
• 4:03
  You have a house here, you may I have a beach house there and
• 4:07
  maybe financially your set or at least you see how you will be
• 4:11
  set. You are happy with your
• 4:13
  parenting, you've joined a softball league or whatever the
• 4:16
  hell you know CrossFit. I mean what other kind of aspect
• 4:19
  is there in the average man's identity, besides his sexual
• 4:24
  virility and his sex life. You know, his sex life is that
• 4:30
  area? Where, no matter how much he
• 4:32
  works on it frequently, there is no way to Get any novelty in it
• 4:36
  without leaving his wife, who he loves.
• 4:38
  So that's really a pickle when women are in a situation where
• 4:41
  they want more novelty and more Adventure.
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  Men. Usually understand that super
• 4:46
  well because they themselves feel like that very frequently
• 4:49
  men are more often sensation Seekers as well.
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  Then in fact, what's her name? The highly sensitive person
• 4:59
  woman Elaine. Aaron came out with another
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  construct called high sensation seeking.
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  So if you Google Oh hi sensation-seeking test.
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  As I've told you to take the highly sensitive person test
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  numerous times. You know, I write all about
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  highly sensitive people, half y'all's wives are probably
• 5:15
  highly sensitive people, most of the women listening or probably
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  highly sensitive people. It's 20% of the world would
• 5:20
  probably 80% of people who are interested in Psychology.
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  But anyway, she has another construct, High sensitivity,
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  sorry High sensation seeking. And in fact, you need to get an
• 5:30
  11 on this test to be a high sensation Seekers as a woman.
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  But she says, you need to get a 13 to be a high sensation,
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  Seekers a man because on average men are higher sensation,
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  Seekers, and women like, that should be pretty obvious from
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  people who've raised boys and girls who's climbing more,
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  usually boys. So the point here is men really
• 5:48
  understand their wives need for novelty and Adventure, even
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  within, you know, smaller more constraint constraint bounds
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  than they have. Because this is something that
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  they themselves experience on the regular.
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  So it's very rare for a woman to say, oh, Oh, I want to try
• 6:06
  something new, whether it's a new kind of exercise.
• 6:08
  A new place to eat a new place to live and a man just like,
• 6:13
  doesn't even understand men that are super rigid about that stuff
• 6:16
  and don't want their wives to have anything new in their lives
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  are generally very rigid, depressed, guys, and should
• 6:24
  refer back to my ocpd podcast and just ones about when your
• 6:28
  wife thinks that you're very difficult all the time.
• 6:30
  I have one like that and may even want to think about that.
• 6:35
  Above will definitely want to think about the type of home
• 6:37
  that they were raised in, whether they never got to do
• 6:40
  anything and had a very constricted - upbringing,
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  because usually the default that I see in healthy relationships
• 6:47
  is the woman says, you know what I always wanted to go, you know,
• 6:51
  to play Pickleball and the guys are really Googling pickleball,
• 6:55
  you know, especially if he loves his wife, right?
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  And because he understands, oh, a new thing.
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  That's, she wants to do all, that's like me.
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  I like, I like to do new things, I can understand that, and this
• 7:08
  is why the majority of happily married men, go along with the
• 7:11
  wives home renovation ideas as I discussed in another podcast.
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  This is a woman's freaking frequently.
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  Women use this as a creative Outlet getting something new
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  Under the Sun after like 40 years of life Etc.
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  So for men, the whole thing is sex, you know like all these
• 7:28
  guys that are like Triathlon training and everything.
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  If they had a better sex life, half of them would just not even
• 7:34
  do that. So the point is here, that in
• 7:38
  reality, the reason that the man wants new things in bed is
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  because he has a desire to feel alive to feel that there's
• 7:46
  something new in his life that it isn't just a straight shot
• 7:49
  from here to the Grave, Etc. But what if the woman doesn't
• 7:55
  want to do the things that the man brings up to do?
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  Well, this is Abyss. You might think this is like an
• 8:03
  insurmountable issue in this. Era, where everybody's got to
• 8:06
  just do exactly what they want to do.
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  All of the time, which is obviously, anathema for a
• 8:11
  healthy relationship. But it's really good for
• 8:14
  self-actualization if you're single and I talked about this,
• 8:18
  in my podcast episode, The Cult of boundaries and preferences
• 8:20
  and how they sabotage intimacy, or what have you, I think that's
• 8:24
  the title. So and by the way, this super
• 8:27
  hard to search for any of these things, what you got to do is
• 8:30
  like remember any of the words I say, for the title of the
• 8:33
  podcast, just type it into spot. Dr. Psych mom, show boundaries,
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  and then you'll get like two of them and then you pick the right
• 8:39
  one. But anyway, that's just my tech
• 8:43
  tip in case anybody's even stupider than me about
• 8:45
  technology. So here's here's the thing.
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  Now that I did the whole intro about how What Men really want
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  us to feel alive. A different to do something new
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  and tellman overuse porn. Here's the think.
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  So the man feels like I want a blowjob.
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  Why do I want to blow job? Well, blow job feels good but
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  also So this is the thing, the man is not infinitely creative.
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  So many women, put their husband on a pedestal.
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  Like he's some kind of he like knows about sex.
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  He knows about sex from who from like the two girlfriends he had
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  before you the three one-night stand.
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  He's not a sex guru. He's just wash a lot of porn.
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  So he seems like he knows a lot because he's, you know, he knows
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  more than you do about things that people do in the world.
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  You know. He knows about different sex
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  acts but he's not really, That super experienced men who are
• 9:38
  super experience quite honestly don't usually get into a
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  situation where they're married to somebody who won't give them
• 9:43
  a blow job. That's just kind of how it goes.
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  Because the number one variable, they were selecting on for a
• 9:49
  life partner is will give blowjob blowjob, equals
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  Baseline. And then from there, perhaps
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  we're going to, you know, invite a third into our bedroom every
• 9:58
  weekend. So like men were super
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  experienced, the average woman listening to this is not dealing
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  with such, you know, instead. It's a fairly average, man.
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  He says, I want something different.
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  Here's something different. A blow job.
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  That seems right. You know, I'm asking a lot of
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  porn with blow jobs. You know.
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  The sounds good. That's this.
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  Seems like it's going to make my life better.
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  This seems like something ubiquitous for other men.
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  Seems more like that when you watch porn.
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  Of course, you could only watch blowjobs, and you seem like a
• 10:24
  hundred percent of men are getting them. 100 percent of men
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  are not getting them by the way. But anyway, so the guy's not as
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  creative as you think nor does his Preferences.
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  Nor do they reflect some innate reality?
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  The way that you think they do, nobody's does everybody's
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  preferences are mediated by Society by what they ate that
• 10:45
  day for breakfast by what they saw on TV.
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  You know, by a million fucking variables, a million variables.
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  So the average man, his preferences are much more
• 10:56
  malleable than you think. The main thing that he want is a
• 11:00
  partner to be enthusiastic about novelty.
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  So, think about it like this, so, What if your husband said to
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  you, hey what I really want for my birthday, is for you to come
• 11:10
  fishing with me for 12 hours and it's going to be, it's going to
• 11:15
  be great. We're gonna be this tiny little
• 11:17
  boat and it's going to be, you know, just us.
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  It's also could be 40 degrees. You might be like, no but you
• 11:24
  know what about? We do this other thing where
• 11:26
  it's like, I go out with you for like three hours and it's, you
• 11:30
  know, not it's in a different place.
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  So it's gonna be like, 60 degrees.
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  So unless you Husbands like a real asshole.
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  He's gonna be like, oh okay, you know, like I'll try that.
• 11:38
  Thanks for coming. You do like and if he is a super
• 11:41
  big asshole, then refer back to the rigid ocpd, sort of not like
• 11:45
  everybody who's an asshole as ocpd but you know, a lot of
• 11:50
  people are rigid and difficult. But if your husband is like
• 11:53
  within normal limits, as long as you come up with an alternate
• 11:57
  idea that's kind of in the same vein, he's going to see that
• 12:01
  you're trying. So what most women fail to do,
• 12:04
  which is fairly Fairly fairly easy for you to do as a woman.
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  If you listen to my instructions, they don't, they
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  don't suggest that competing alternative at all.
• 12:16
  So it's like as, though your friend.
• 12:19
  So let's say you're trying to make friends with a girl, a
• 12:21
  woman at your kids. Preschool pick up and you say,
• 12:24
  hey, do you want to go get coffee?
• 12:26
  She says, I don't drink coffee. Well, I guess you don't want to
• 12:32
  be friends then, you know, because all if you did want to
• 12:35
  be friends, you like I don't drink coffee but I know we could
• 12:37
  go to get T at this place or you can say, you could drink coffee
• 12:40
  but I'll just, you know, bring a smoothie or something.
• 12:43
  Like, either way, you're gonna, you're gonna suggest an
• 12:45
  alternative if you give a shit about the relationship or about
• 12:48
  creating a relationship, but women don't do this in bed.
• 12:51
  The guys like I want a blow job and she's like, no, well I'm
• 12:55
  eating it where we you know, like what's happening like where
• 12:59
  is the Heard it if that suggests that you are in some way
• 13:02
  receptive to anything. As I said, most guys do not like
• 13:05
  really, they don't have their their flag planted in the ground
• 13:09
  about the blow job. They really don't, I talk to
• 13:11
  them and talk. This is my job.
• 13:12
  I talked to guys all the time if the woman was like, well, I
• 13:16
  don't know about that. You know how I am about blowjobs
• 13:19
  but here, check this out, check out this link of this thing that
• 13:23
  I want to buy. That is like a French maid
• 13:26
  outfit. Guess what goes the way of the
• 13:29
  dodo? The fucking blowjob because the
• 13:31
  guy is going to be so excited. He's gonna pinch himself.
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  Oh my God. Will you want to do anything?
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  Just like something that you want?
• 13:39
  There is not a blow job. All right, you know, it's this
• 13:41
  other thing. Oh my God.
• 13:42
  You want to do a thing? Wow, trust me.
• 13:46
  The average man wants novelty and enthusiasm.
• 13:49
  If you come up with any competing alternative, now, this
• 13:52
  does not mean that, you shouldn't try to give him a blow
• 13:54
  job, of course, everybody should try to be extremely flexible
• 13:57
  with in there. Carriage, if you have a hard
• 13:59
  stop on blowjobs. And why does he have a hard stop
• 14:02
  on? Like, you know, not being a
• 14:03
  sarcastic asshole, you know, like what lots of, you know,
• 14:06
  one-to-one correspondence, if you think your partner has too
• 14:10
  many hard stops about things, you're going to amass a lot of
• 14:12
  them yourself, and they're going to be outside the bedroom or
• 14:15
  inside, the bedroom doesn't really matter.
• 14:17
  But if you come up with anything, that indicates that
• 14:21
  you also value novelty and Adventure, within the sex life,
• 14:24
  you could run the whole show the whole entire Her the sex life
• 14:28
  could turn into you getting to buy cute outfits from, you know
• 14:33
  whatever store and showing them to your husband.
• 14:35
  Bam. His sex life is like ten
• 14:37
  thousand million times better. The other thing that you're
• 14:40
  doing is showing that you're willing to play ball just in
• 14:43
  terms of the relationship overall, not even just the sex
• 14:46
  life. So instead of shaming him,
• 14:49
  you're saying you know why you're important enough to me
• 14:51
  that I am going to figure out some other thing.
• 14:54
  You know, that is also something that you would like but Can be
• 14:58
  something that both of us like, you know, or something that we
• 15:01
  both know I'm doing for you, but it's something that's not
• 15:03
  abhorrent to me. Or what have you?
• 15:06
  So this is like the quote hack, which I say, you know, ingest
• 15:10
  because all this is is be doing what people in more healthy,
• 15:14
  close relationships do on a regular basis.
• 15:18
  They say, all right, you don't want to do.
• 15:19
  I don't want to do this or I can't do this.
• 15:22
  I'm a think I can't do this, or I won't do this.
• 15:25
  But what about this? What they don't say is, I can't
• 15:27
  do that. So, go.
• 15:27
  Go fuck yourself pretty much and if you do say, I can't do this.
• 15:32
  So go fuck yourself. Then don't be surprised when
• 15:34
  your marriage is terrible because that indicates a
• 15:37
  complete inability to see outside yourself, complete, lack
• 15:40
  of empathy, lack of perspective, taking lack of kindness, lack of
• 15:43
  generosity. If you suggest literally any
• 15:46
  other and you in, so you're like, okay, well, I'm not
• 15:48
  somebody who could say that, you know, I am too shy to say
• 15:51
  something like that. We could go.
• 15:54
  So low level like so low level, if you cannot Not think about
• 15:59
  anything that you find remotely kinky or anything outside the
• 16:04
  box. If you touch your husband more,
• 16:08
  half your problems will go away. At least, if not, all of them,
• 16:11
  literally you in this happens, in couples counseling.
• 16:14
  All the time or individual. The guy'll be like, you know
• 16:16
  what, I really want to do, I want to do BDSM and then like,
• 16:19
  almost within 10 minutes of talking, he's like, you know, if
• 16:22
  my wife just kissed me when I came through the door, you know,
• 16:25
  you that would also be good. So like we've gone from the
• 16:29
  dungeon to just basically like affection and this is not like
• 16:34
  this is not unusual. This is it because something
• 16:37
  about men or you know women I mean you could see this with
• 16:41
  anything. So if you are a woman and you
• 16:42
  want to renovate the whole house and your husband was like no no
• 16:46
  no. And then like he comes home with
• 16:49
  a new countertop one thing and he's like hey like you know want
• 16:54
  me to install this thing. You can be like yeah, wow.
• 16:58
  Okay. Okay, cool.
• 16:59
  You know, we could come up with a new fucking lighting fixture.
• 17:02
  You be like, wow, you know, like what I really never thought
• 17:05
  you'd do that. You know, you really care about
• 17:08
  what the lighting is in the bathroom.
• 17:09
  That's so cool. You know, people are just this
• 17:12
  way, you know, every people don't want to be difficult but
• 17:15
  if you and your discussions about the sex life has become
• 17:19
  completely polarized, which means one person is a caricature
• 17:21
  of the no position. One person's a caricature of the
• 17:24
  yes position which is what happens in arguments without
• 17:27
  Intervention like couples work. Then you know, this is not
• 17:32
  reflective in reality of which are husband may be yearning for
• 17:36
  he yearns for something deeper. He when he's asking for the
• 17:39
  novelty and the sex life. He's asking for a recognition of
• 17:43
  the fact that this is one of the few Arenas in which he could
• 17:46
  still feel some sort of anticipation potential
• 17:52
  excitement, novelty Etc. And number two, the fact that
• 17:56
  you would be willing to give him that Indicates that you care for
• 17:59
  him, value him as a person and love him.
• 18:01
  If you see it in that way, then you will realize, oh, I can't
• 18:05
  you say no. I mean, that's like him saying.
• 18:08
  Do you want to go on date night tomorrow night?
• 18:10
  And I just say, no. Oh, you don't just say no.
• 18:13
  You said, well, I can't tomorrow, like we got the kids
• 18:15
  doing this and this but like, maybe like next week.
• 18:19
  That's what you would say. You know, if you want to remain
• 18:21
  married, you wouldn't just be like, no.
• 18:23
  So you can just say that within bed either, but you have no idea
• 18:27
  the Level of alternative that you might have to suggest.
• 18:31
  And so and then this Builds on itself in a virtuous cycle,
• 18:34
  right? So let's say you're like, our,
• 18:37
  I'm going to test this out. He's asking for blow job.
• 18:39
  I'm going to say no. But why didn't we do this thing?
• 18:43
  Where I put a blindfold on you you're like literally all I have
• 18:47
  to do is not look at him which I said that I don't want to do
• 18:50
  anyway because II contact freaks me out and he's already going to
• 18:52
  be excited. I promise you if this is a new
• 18:55
  thing, he's going to be exciting.
• 18:56
  I swear. Well, Money back.
• 18:58
  This one is free though, but 99% of high libido men.
• 19:03
  If they're low libido, wife suggested putting a blindfold on
• 19:06
  them would be overjoyed over Joy.
• 19:09
  So the point is, you may have to do far less than you think and
• 19:12
  what he responds. So, well to these other things
• 19:15
  that you can realize he wasn't being some sort of rigid asshole
• 19:19
  that only wants it his way. And he only wants a porn star
• 19:22
  because he watches too much porn and blah blah and he doesn't
• 19:25
  even care what I want. And like all these like lies
• 19:27
  that women tell their Themselves.
• 19:29
  Then you will feel better about it.
• 19:31
  And you may even in a wonderful turn of events be like, well,
• 19:35
  you know, he's not a bad guy. Look how happy he is.
• 19:37
  About this one thing that we did together, you know, it's really
• 19:41
  he does just seems just want anything that is new different
• 19:45
  and fun, I can understand that. I like things that are new
• 19:47
  different and fun and the domains that I value.
• 19:50
  So, you know, if he was this happy about this like low-level
• 19:54
  alternative sexual thing. What if I actually did give him
• 19:57
  the damn blow Man, you know, it'd probably be over the moon,
• 20:00
  you know, II curious to see that would be a best case thing I am
• 20:04
  curious to see how happy he would be with the thing that he
• 20:06
  wanted all along. But honestly for the men
• 20:09
  listening that our luck will let some load of shit.
• 20:11
  Literally though, you're not picturing this accurately like
• 20:15
  if you think it would be a load of shit to have to do an
• 20:18
  alternative currently, you're not doing the alternative either
• 20:20
  do nothing. So trust me, when I tell you
• 20:23
  that doing some fun, alternative would be far better.
• 20:27
  Better than you think then doing nothing and bitching about it.
• 20:33
  So so a compromise his always better than nothing.
• 20:38
  Right and so what I encourage anybody listening to do if
• 20:42
  you're the woman tried to do what I say try to literally.
• 20:45
  We're talking about French kissing.
• 20:47
  I mean like there's there's this is like a low bar for like a
• 20:50
  couple that struggling with their sex life but what you
• 20:53
  can't do now I'm just giving you a caveat which you Do is say
• 20:58
  fine we'll just do it. More will do it once a week.
• 21:00
  Okay. And during it I'm going to act
• 21:02
  like I'm having my pancreas removed without anesthesia or
• 21:06
  and I'm trying to get myself into a Zen state so that I don't
• 21:09
  you know, flip out from the pain like some women are in a
• 21:13
  dissociative trans during sex. You cannot just offer more
• 21:18
  frequent coma sex like that, you can't do that.
• 21:22
  That's not like a thing. The that category that we're in
• 21:26
  for offering an alternative from It is new fun things.
• 21:30
  I don't care. If the new fun thing is like,
• 21:33
  you look at him. I don't care.
• 21:34
  If the new fun thing. Is, you touch him?
• 21:37
  You know how many men are like, she doesn't touch me.
• 21:39
  She doesn't touch my body and they'll like, make sure I
• 21:42
  understand what they mean. They're like, no, you don't
• 21:44
  understand. She doesn't ever touch it.
• 21:47
  I'm like, yeah, I know what you're saying.
• 21:49
  Because so many of your cohorts say, the same thing.
• 21:52
  She doesn't touch me with her hands ever, you know?
• 21:55
  So if you're in that bucket and that Category.
• 21:58
  If you touch him with your hands then you know, I'm not even
• 22:03
  talking about his penis, that's best case scenario like anywhere
• 22:06
  like on his body, then already the sex life is improved by like
• 22:09
  you know like 75% and he may stop perseverating on other
• 22:15
  things because you seem to be an active and engaged participants
• 22:19
  as well as somebody who understands his need for, you
• 22:23
  know, adventure and lifelike. The bedroom doesn't To seem like
• 22:28
  a mortuary, you know, we're like a relationship comes to die in
• 22:32
  midlife like, that's not sexy. So anyway, I try to take my
• 22:35
  advice and it doesn't work. Remember what I always tell you.
• 22:39
  What do you do? If all the stuff I'm telling
• 22:41
  you, 200 owned by now, 400? No, not 400 episodes it about
• 22:47
  close to 300 episodes. If all this stuff doesn't work,
• 22:50
  what do you do? You go to couples counseling, go
• 22:53
  to couples counseling, that's what you do.
• 22:55
  So try it, try a couple. Those counseling try anything.
• 22:59
  Don't just give up on the relationship.
• 23:01
  Don't just give up on sex life and I will talk to you all soon.
• 23:04
  Bye bye.