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Calm Beats Pressure For GCSEs · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, and this is the final episode in the GCSE series.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: And this is much more to do with what parents can do and how parents can support their young person through these times.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: So by way of parallel, as well as looking at what helps, I will be mentioning that which doesn't help.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, it's important to understand that parents can't remove pressure entirely.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: I think what they can do though is help shape how a young person experiences and manages it.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: And what young people need most is not pressure and not lectures and not comparison.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: When I use the word lectures, I think this is not so much to do with what is intended, but it's how it might be experienced by the young person.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: What they need is emotional safety.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: They need belief, stability, containment, and perspective.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing is that a calm parent regulates an anxious child.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: When a person is in a state of anxiety, their capacity to access their own self-soothing, regulating calmness is compromised.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: So they need to borrow it from another person, and in this context, that person is the parent.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: So your own emotional state is part of the process of regulating and leveling, soothing the distress.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Bear in mind that when a person is immersed in something, and if that something is stressful, the part of the brain that is activated tends not to be the part that's responsible for making sense of things.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so for that reason, being the person who could help the young person to see differently, to put alongside them different perspectives, stability, gives them something to hold on to, and it will be internalized.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is particularly important because in episode one and two, I talked about the context in which young people are studying or taking their exams, they are completely immersed.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: It is almost like they are living, exclusively living the experience.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, let's be clear, it's it's not a few days.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so the central nervous system is pretty much switched on the whole time.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: So things that you can do, I think the first thing is prioritizing emotional safety.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's important to let the young person know that your love and regard for them is far greater than any academic result they may achieve, and that their worth isn't defined by grades.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's important to normalise stress, saying it's okay to feel the pressure.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody does.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's it that that's that's where we are right now, and it won't last.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: This reduces shame.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on the effort, not the outcome.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Praising things like the fact that the young person is trying, that they're persisting, they're making small steps in their progress.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not just focusing on results.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Help create gentle structure.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that means things like a realistic revision schedule.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: I heard somebody talking uh recently about the need for someone as part of catching up to do between four and six hours a day.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, maybe, but I think we have to understand that the brain is an organ, gets tired and doesn't work too well.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: A realistic revision schedule must include breaks, a healthy sleep routine, easier said than done, and nutrition is really important.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Brains need to be fed.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Structure though reduces anxiety.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Try and stay calm, your emotional tone becomes their emotional climate.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Listen more than you speak.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Often young people need just to feel heard, not instructed.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Take a step back and listen.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: If you step forward and engage with the stress in a corrective way, you will escalate the situation.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Try and maintain perspective.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Remind them that there are many parts in life.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Exams are one part, not the whole story.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's very, very understandable for young people to not know that because A, they're young people, and B, they're being told, well, this is it, you've got to succeed, otherwise your life will fall apart.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And what increases pressure is things like catastrophizing.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: So avoid things like these exams determine your future because this creates fear, not motivation.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Don't compare, because comparisons produce shame and disengagement, and don't over-monitor.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Constant checking increases anxiety and resistance.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't interpret avoidance as laziness.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's not.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's often fear or overwhelm.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Don't withdraw emotionally, even if they push you away, stay emotionally available.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Try not to make love feel conditional.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Young people must know they are valued regardless of performance.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Performance, outcome, and worth in the minds of the young person, all connected.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: So here's a final thought.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: GCSEs are important, but what matters more is what your young person learns about themselves during this time.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Am I supported?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Am I capable?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Am I valued?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Can I cope with challenge?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: When young people feel emotionally held, they do not only perform better, they grow stronger.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: So if your young person is struggling significantly, anxiety, shutdown, distress, avoidance, emotional withdrawal, support may help.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: You're not alone, and neither are they.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.