Latest / Candid Coach Conversations / Reframe Your Self-Talk for Greater Joy

Transcript

Reframe Your Self-Talk for Greater Joy · Candid Coach Conversations

• 0:00
  Good morning and welcome to Candid Coach Conversations.
• 0:03
  I'm Kimberly, founder of Live Life Fully,
• 0:05
  ⁓ and today I'm so excited. I have Tiffanie Hughes with me.
• 0:09
  ⁓ She is a certified Live Life Fully coach.
• 0:12
  And Tiffanie and I have been talking a lot lately about words and the things that
• 0:17
  we say to ourselves.
• 0:18
  with words or with stories. And so we've been talking and I thought it'd
• 0:22
  be great for Tiffanie to jump on here today and share with us what she's hearing
• 0:27
  ⁓ and what she's thinking and what she is doing about it in her own life
• 0:32
  so that she can live her own life more fully.
• 0:35
  ⁓ So Tiffanie, welcome today.
• 0:37
  I'm glad you're here. Thank you for jumping on.
• 0:40
  ⁓
• 0:40
  Thank you for having
• 0:41
  me.
• 0:41
  Yes, absolutely. And so tell us like what do you think is so important about
• 0:46
  the things that we say to ourselves and the words that we use?
• 0:50
  I'd love to hear.
• 0:52
  Well,
• 0:52
  something I've been learning a lot lately is that words have power,
• 0:55
  right? Not only with the words that we use towards other people,
• 0:59
  but also the words that we use for ourselves.
• 1:01
  And it's something as simple like,
• 1:02
  man, I'm so stupid. And in fact,
• 1:04
  you're not stupid. You made a mistake,
• 1:06
  you are human, right? And so it's also allowing us grace to say,
• 1:10
  hmm, maybe I'm allowed,
• 1:13
  right? To give myself permission.
• 1:15
  I'm allowed to not be perfect.
• 1:17
  I'm allowed to
• 1:18
  Be a failure and say, hey, I'm not a failure.
• 1:21
  This thing didn't work and I'm learning from it.
• 1:23
  Right? It's not a failure. It is something,
• 1:25
  a lesson, right? It is something that I can take with me to the next decision.
• 1:29
  I love that distinction, Tiffanie.
• 1:31
  I'm not a failure. ⁓ This thing,
• 1:34
  whatever it was, didn't work out.
• 1:36
  ⁓ Didn't go as planned. Collapsed.
• 1:38
  Whatever. But that's not ⁓ about me as a human.
• 1:41
  ⁓ Yeah, I love that. ⁓
• 1:42
  Yes. Well, i i it is
• 1:43
  about you as a human. It's just not who you are as a human,
• 1:47
  right?
• 1:47
  Beautiful.
• 1:48
  Because you are human and so you get to make mistakes.
• 1:51
  We have free will, we get to try things out.
• 1:53
  Nothing happened overnight on the first attempt.
• 1:56
  I mean, I don't think it did. I mean most most things have come through
• 2:00
  a series of experiences and experiments.
• 2:02
  so one of the things that I work with a lot with the people that sit on
• 2:05
  the couch in front of me or on the phone and Zoom.
• 2:08
  is how do we talk to ourselves and then the powers the the word the power
• 2:12
  of words and one of my favorite things that I'm using right now ~ or
• 2:17
  one of the words that really makes me cringe is I can't
• 2:20
  Yes.
• 2:21
  I can't do this I I don't have time for this or I it's it's the I can't thing
• 2:27
  and I get where it's coming from because it but it also feels very defeatist and
• 2:31
  I will often correct it in the moment.
• 2:34
  Let's let's reword that. I don't want to.
• 2:37
  I don't have to. I'm choosing,
• 2:40
  right? ~ because I want to take ownership.
• 2:43
  I want everybody to take ownership of of their time,
• 2:46
  their energy, and and what their meaning.
• 2:49
  I love the old ad of fake it till you make it.
• 2:53
  And I know a lot of people really hate that because on the job training
• 2:57
  is part of on the job training and you don't know everything and it's okay.
• 3:03
  I know a lot of times people use it as like,
• 3:05
  ~ yeah, he's some joker coming in trying to do this,
• 3:08
  trying to do this job. Isn't that how we all are?
• 3:10
  We're all jokers starting up something until you're not.
• 3:13
  And
• 3:14
  Right. Exactly.
• 3:16
  that's how you that's how you get better,
• 3:18
  but it's it's the that's the power that you give it.
• 3:21
  so when someone says I can't, I said let's let's say that a different way,
• 3:25
  right? I can't clean the house.
• 3:28
  Okay. It sounds like you're not prioritizing cleaning the house.
• 3:32
  It sounds like you're choosing not to clean the house at this moment because other
• 3:37
  things might have greater priority.
• 3:39
  I like to call this competing
• 3:40
  It's it
• 3:41
  interest.
• 3:42
  Yes, I've I've heard you say that.
• 3:43
  Yes, it it is because it is important,
• 3:46
  right? Cleaning the house is to to to some folks very,
• 3:50
  very important, right? Is it more important than your health,
• 3:53
  right? Is it more important than family time?
• 3:55
  Right? And you get to choose how important is this?
• 3:58
  And that's something that I hear all the time.
• 4:00
  People regret I've heard so many people regretting.
• 4:03
  I put too much energy into making sure the house was perfect and that
• 4:07
  the dinner was perfect, that they didn't take time with their family.
• 4:10
  Right.
• 4:10
  So that's a big one. there are other words,
• 4:14
  you know, especially the a lot of the self-deprecating.
• 4:17
  I think self-deprecation can be really funny as a like uncomfortable
• 4:21
  way of expressing your thoughts.
• 4:22
  people who have a lot of chronic illness says,
• 4:24
  I'm just sick again. ~ well, it sounds like you're experiencing something that
• 4:29
  requires a lot more from you. And
• 4:31
  It it's saying well, I didn't think about it that way,
• 4:34
  right? Someone is always tired.
• 4:36
  Are you always tired or are you healing?
• 4:38
  I know that sounds kind of euphemistic,
• 4:40
  ~ but I I would rather live in the world of positive euphemisms than
• 4:45
  a world of constantly being pessimistic or negative.
• 4:49
  Yeah, and I love that you brought that up,
• 4:50
  Tiffanie, for the example you gave of ⁓ I am tired.
• 4:54
  And the more we say that, and I've talked about this probably so much,
• 4:58
  the words that we say is what our brain because y'all,
• 5:01
  our brain is always listening.
• 5:03
  ⁓ And so what we say, that's what our brain hears and starts believing.
• 5:07
  So I am tired. That's like saying that's your name.
• 5:11
  It goes back to like, I am sorry.
• 5:13
  My name is Kimberly. ⁓ I feel
• 5:16
  Tired or I feel whatever the feeling is,
• 5:20
  but rather than I am tired, I feel tired.
• 5:22
  Mm-hmm. Yes.
• 5:23
  It
• 5:24
  does change the way that works in the brain,
• 5:27
  what the brain believes, and really and truly you will feel less tired when
• 5:32
  you don't own it as a part of your identity.
• 5:35
  It's amazing.
• 5:36
  Yes. And I
• 5:37
  I think that's part of the kind of fake it till you make it,
• 5:40
  right? It's one of those
• 5:40
  Yeah.
• 5:41
  have the days that you deserve or have the days that you want.
• 5:44
  And I can have feelings, right?
• 5:47
  I can feel tired, I can feel drained,
• 5:49
  I can feel this. However, is it possible for me to give myself again
• 5:54
  the grace and permission to say,
• 5:55
  and I am feeling tired and
• 5:58
  I'm going to do it anyways. I'm gonna conquer the world and conquer the
• 6:01
  day and or maybe I'm just gonna brush my teeth.
• 6:05
  Right. And I think that's another one,
• 6:07
  right? Is giving yourself permission to take a break.
• 6:09
  It's giving yourself permission that not everything has to be perfect.
• 6:13
  Right? What does that look like?
• 6:14
  And how are we talking about that?
• 6:16
  Right. If you have your long laundry list of things to do,
• 6:19
  what can you do? Right? What can't you do?
• 6:22
  We're not we're not focused on that,
• 6:25
  right? It's what can you do? And
• 6:26
  Right.
• 6:27
  I think that is part of that growth mindset,
• 6:29
  right? The the the
• 6:31
  more positively that you're talking to yourself,
• 6:33
  the more space that you're giving yourself to grow.
• 6:36
  Right? It's like the the we talked a couple of weeks ago about failure,
• 6:39
  right? For me, failure is not terminal.
• 6:41
  Failure is not the end of things.
• 6:43
  It is this didn't work, and it might have had big consequences,
• 6:47
  it might have had small consequences.
• 6:49
  But it is not terminal. It is now I know this doesn't work and this might
• 6:55
  be a better solution.
• 6:56
  Yes, it brings me back to this whole notion of is failure even a thing?
• 7:00
  I do think it's a thing when we don't even start or we don't even try.
• 7:04
  but man try. Right.
• 7:05
  So is it even failure? Right? Like is it even failure
• 7:08
  if you don't try it?
• 7:09
  Yes, that's just a didn't do it.
• 7:12
  I it's it's so and I have this conversation about failure so often because people
• 7:18
  do exactly what you said. They they try something,
• 7:21
  it didn't work or it didn't go as planned and so it's I failed at that.
• 7:25
  And it's like I I don't even I don't know how that works because I don't know
• 7:29
  how it's possible to be a failure or to have failed.
• 7:32
  When you tried. Like, I don't know.
• 7:34
  Anyway, yes, it matters.
• 7:37
  Yes.
• 7:38
  Yeah, it it does. And then you also have to think about it,
• 7:41
  you know, I failed at making the perfect sock when I was learning how to knit.
• 7:45
  I I and and then I don't knit anymore.
• 7:48
  Not because I failed, but I just don't I don't have time or I choose
• 7:52
  not to make time for it. Right?
• 7:54
  I have I have prioritized other things.
• 7:56
  And
• 7:56
  Guess what I did do? I learned how to knit.
• 7:58
  Right?
• 7:58
  Right.
• 7:59
  And I did learn how to make a a scarf,
• 8:01
  a really good one. So yeah, I I do not like the word failure.
• 8:07
  I can't. and I'm learning how to not use the word wise,
• 8:11
  and I'm learning how not to use the word buts when it's not appropriate.
• 8:16
  and learning how
• 8:18
  How words can affect the psyche,
• 8:19
  even sometimes subconsciously.
• 8:21
  You know, ~ I had a story once with my sister,
• 8:26
  I was talking to my sister once,
• 8:27
  and she is in her 30s and starting a new journey in life,
• 8:32
  a healing process. And I'm trying to encourage her to look into coaching because
• 8:38
  I think this is the language that's going to be better suited for her,
• 8:40
  ~ into the more positive and growth mindset.
• 8:43
  Right.
• 8:43
  I do think she has some healing to do,
• 8:45
  and she is very ambitious, right?
• 8:48
  She has big ideas and and and big goals.
• 8:51
  but one of the things that I learned with her is that the word safe is not safe.
• 8:57
  Mm.
• 8:58
  And you know, as a trauma-informed therapist as well,
• 9:01
  you have to be very careful the kinds of words that you're
• 9:04
  not triggering your client into a negative headspace.
• 9:07
  And
• 9:08
  What I'm learning with EMDR training and everything as well is the word calm
• 9:13
  or peace. Right? Peace is something that is achievable.
• 9:16
  Calm is something that is achievable.
• 9:18
  So when we think about safe or we think about happy,
• 9:20
  right? Happy and safe require external environments to be just so,
• 9:26
  right? They they're external stimulus or elements are expected in order
• 9:32
  to achieve happiness and safe.
• 9:35
  Mm.
• 9:35
  But what is not required is calm and peace.
• 9:38
  Right? These are things we can do in a crowded subway.
• 9:41
  Right.
• 9:41
  Right, if you choose to, but you have to learn it,
• 9:44
  you have to practice it. and this is something I I try to use as well,
• 9:49
  ~ both in coaching and as a as a therapist,
• 9:53
  and it it is something that I strive for,
• 9:56
  right? I learn how to meditate,
• 9:57
  I I've learned how to to breathe,
• 9:59
  and I teach others how to do those as well.
• 10:02
  So calm and peace, right?
• 10:04
  ⁓
• 10:05
  And I like that you brought up that you've learned how to meditate
• 10:08
  and to really create your peace and to create your calm.
• 10:11
  And I'm curious, Tiffanie, ⁓ by learning that would you say that
• 10:15
  you have this sense of living life more fully by taking those moments?
• 10:21
  ⁓
• 10:21
  Absolutely,
• 10:23
  absolutely. I'm a person of experience.
• 10:26
  I love life experiences and I love life.
• 10:29
  And I know that sounds so cliche,
• 10:31
  but what that means is that I like to incorporate all the nuances
• 10:36
  in your experiences, right? What does it smell like?
• 10:39
  What does it taste like? What does it feel like?
• 10:41
  I really think about the whole body person,
• 10:44
  the whole body experience. And
• 10:46
  It's very difficult to enjoy the moment if you're not in that place of calm
• 10:51
  or in that place of peace, right?
• 10:52
  Because you will life will pass you by.
• 10:55
  Right? It
• 10:55
  Yes.
• 10:57
  you can walk into a room and someone is baking something and maybe you'll smell it,
• 11:01
  but you don't really get to stop and smell it,
• 11:03
  right? It's funny that you've bring this specifically up because I love roses,
• 11:08
  right? I don't love the way they look.
• 11:10
  They look like any other flower for me.
• 11:12
  I love the fact that you can smell them,
• 11:14
  right? That's that that's the one unique thing about some roses.
• 11:18
  And so I created a garden of roses.
• 11:20
  And when I'm picking out a rose,
• 11:22
  I literally pick it out not based on its color,
• 11:25
  but the way it smells. And it is such an important factor because what
• 11:29
  is the first thing you do when you pick up a flower?
• 11:31
  Even if it's a daisy, you smell it.
• 11:34
  Right.
• 11:34
  You smell it and I want that experience.
• 11:37
  So for what purpose do I have to put flowers in my garden that I can't smell?
• 11:42
  That just it's just preposterous.
• 11:44
  I wanted to have that experience.
• 11:45
  And so that's how that is my outlook on life.
• 11:48
  That's if I'm gonna go to a country,
• 11:50
  right? I'm gonna travel somewhere.
• 11:52
  What country am I going to visit?
• 11:53
  I'm gonna go to the country that no one else has been to,
• 11:55
  that's untainted, that is a little bit more raw,
• 11:58
  a little bit more authentic, that is not catering to the tourist,
• 12:01
  because I want to experience it in its full depth as much as I possibly can.
• 12:06
  So yes, I picked Estonia over going to Hungary,
• 12:10
  for instance. Right?
• 12:11
  Right.
• 12:11
  It's those kinds of experiences.
• 12:12
  But what it comes back to what is it that I'm telling myself about that?
• 12:16
  Exactly.
• 12:17
  Right? Because what is important to me is the experience.
• 12:20
  Right? What am I getting out of this?
• 12:22
  and I think that's why I like the coaching language so much.
• 12:26
  And something I, you know, had con had a conversation with you.
• 12:30
  It's not about the obstacles, right?
• 12:32
  It's it's also about pushing forward.
• 12:34
  Right.
• 12:34
  Right. Obstacles, ~ gone, vanished.
• 12:37
  Obstacles are just a made-up thing that I've created in order to tell myself
• 12:41
  I can't. But we don't
• 12:41
  Right, exactly.
• 12:43
  we don't do that, right?
• 12:44
  I can do it, I will prioritize,
• 12:46
  I'm going to, and this is what it looks like.
• 12:50
  Hmm.
• 12:50
  Yes, so good. So good. So if you were gonna give people okay,
• 12:54
  so a couple things you really did mention today are the I can't I made some notes.
• 12:58
  The I can't, that I'm stupid, that I'm tired,
• 13:02
  And changing the words from the I can't to I choose or I will or I will
• 13:08
  not really owning it. And then the I'm stupid,
• 13:11
  well that's not even true because that's not anybody's name.
• 13:14
  And if it is somebody's name, go to the courthouse,
• 13:17
  get a name change, because that is not acceptable.
• 13:18
  Right.
• 13:19
  gosh, and so instead of I'm stupid,
• 13:22
  what is the replacement for that,
• 13:24
  in your opinion?
• 13:25
  I mean, I think it depends on what it is that they're trying to claim.
• 13:28
  ~ you know,
• 13:29
  Okay.
• 13:29
  in EMDR we talk a lot about negative cognitions,
• 13:32
  right? It's the thing that we believe about ourselves because
• 13:35
  bad things have happened.
• 13:37
  Mm-hmm.
• 13:39
  and and so this is, you know, I am unloved,
• 13:42
  I am not capable, I am all these things,
• 13:44
  right? That's the negative cognition.
• 13:46
  And and our job as therapists is to change that cognition.
• 13:49
  However, you don't have to be an EMDR
• 13:52
  Of mine in order to get that kind of ~ speech.
• 13:55
  I am going to help you change that language.
• 13:58
  Are you stupid? What does stupid look like?
• 14:01
  Describe to me what's stupid. Well,
• 14:03
  I didn't know. ~ So you were misinformed or didn't know yet.
• 14:06
  Yet. Doesn't mean that you don't get to learn it or you don't get to know it.
• 14:10
  And that is I think that is kind of how I would change it.
• 14:15
  So if someone just said, I'm just so stupid,
• 14:17
  really? Hmm.
• 14:18
  Are you now, right? And I would also question them.
• 14:23
  How do they feel when their kids say that or when their friends say that?
• 14:28
  Does that sound true?
• 14:30
  Okay, so you flip it around to using what Brenda and Brichard would call that role
• 14:33
  model mindset to
• 14:35
  Mm.
• 14:36
  would that be acceptable for your children to continue to say over and over?
• 14:41
  Or a loved one. Not even your children.
• 14:41
  Yes. Yes. Anybody. Yes.
• 14:43
  Anybody, really. Yeah.
• 14:45
  I
• 14:45
  mean your sister, your brother,
• 14:46
  your your colleague. Right?
• 14:48
  Yes.
• 14:49
  The other thing I like about switching that I'm stupid is because what
• 14:53
  I'm hearing when people say things like that is,
• 14:55
  dang, I wish I would have done that differently.
• 14:58
  And so and not making it about the person.
• 15:01
  Or even flipping it to hmm.
• 15:03
  Well that didn't work out. I think I'll do it differently next time.
• 15:06
  Or next time I will, X, Y, Z. And
• 15:09
  Yes.
• 15:10
  going back to the I'm tired, really saying I feel tired.
• 15:14
  And not owning it as the as that's who you are as a person.
• 15:18
  Yeah,
• 15:19
  and I also want to be careful that,
• 15:20
  you know, when you're dealing with people who have chronic pain,
• 15:23
  right? Chronic illness and things like this,
• 15:26
  these things can debilitate you at times.
• 15:29
  And I think
• 15:29
  Absolutely.
• 15:30
  that you can you can say that,
• 15:32
  right? Today, this is my limit.
• 15:34
  These are the things that could limit me.
• 15:37
  ~ today I need to really focus on my health,
• 15:40
  but at the end of the day, you also need to look at the reasons for being tired
• 15:43
  or the reasons for not feeling good.
• 15:44
  Sure. Right.
• 15:45
  And
• 15:46
  Are those things holding you back?
• 15:47
  Or do are there things that in your life that need to be addressed?
• 15:50
  You know, like hormones. You know,
• 15:52
  I work with a lot of women who are going through meta perimenopause
• 15:55
  and menopause and and these are real things that happen and
• 15:59
  and can feel debilitating. ~
• 16:01
  Right.
• 16:02
  is it gonna stop you? Or are you addressing it?
• 16:04
  And that's something that you can really have a really great job
• 16:07
  of doing when you're talking with me as a coach,
• 16:10
  is
• 16:10
  Okay now, now what? Right. So when can you?
• 16:13
  When can you achieve these things?
• 16:15
  And you you hold accountability,
• 16:17
  and that's a big one. Right. So if you fail,
• 16:20
  if you are stupid, if you are tired,
• 16:23
  right, how are you holding those things accountable for yourself?
• 16:26
  I'm gonna learn more. I'm gonna work on my health.
• 16:29
  I'm going to do the things that I can to get myself out of that out of that place.
• 16:34
  So it is about finding meaning and that way forward with the growth mindset.
• 16:39
  That's what I'm hearing from you.
• 16:41
  It's finding new meaning and the way forward,
• 16:44
  growth mindset to experience life and live life more fully.
• 16:50
  And what I what I think about is with more joy and with more excitement
• 16:55
  for the day ahead.
• 16:57
  Yes.
• 16:58
  Well it's always about what are you getting out of it,
• 17:00
  right? You're not going just to the doctor,
• 17:02
  right? I am going to the doctor and I'm gonna find something out.
• 17:05
  Even if I don't find something out,
• 17:06
  I'm gonna find out what is not.
• 17:08
  Right? It doesn't have to always be the negative thing.
• 17:11
  i it's about the experience, right?
• 17:13
  Yes.
• 17:13
  I'm
• 17:14
  not just going to eat, I'm going to have an experience and and and fill
• 17:18
  my body with nutrition, hopefully nutrition and energy,
• 17:21
  right? It's sometimes just
• 17:23
  the perspective and in which you look at it.
• 17:26
  I have never I wouldn't say never.
• 17:28
  I rarely struggle with the idea of losing,
• 17:31
  right? Or going backward. For me it is always,
• 17:34
  well next time I'll do a little bit better.
• 17:36
  Right. Next time I'm gonna keep trying.
• 17:39
  That is that is kind of my innate sense.
• 17:43
  I and I've had it for a very long time.
• 17:45
  not that I'm doing everything today that I did twenty years ago,
• 17:47
  right? but it's always something to find purpose,
• 17:50
  to find meaning, to find something more.
• 17:52
  And the way you talk to yourself will absolutely hold you back.
• 17:56
  Absolutely.
• 17:57
  So to ⁓ sum it up, Tiffanie,
• 17:59
  if you wanted ⁓ everybody to walk away with one ⁓ thought ⁓
• 18:04
  or one ⁓ aha, one belief, if you got to choose that one aha for them,
• 18:10
  what would that one thing be? ⁓
• 18:12
  perspective.
• 18:13
  Perspective. It is always about perspective in all things,
• 18:16
  right? What is your perspective?
• 18:18
  If if I had to have one word, it's perspective.
• 18:20
  And I know I'm not I promise you I'm not taking it from Ratatouille.
• 18:23
  if you've seen the movie through Ratatouille,
• 18:25
  ~ it is perspective because it is the lens in which you're choosing to see through.
• 18:31
  Right? And if you have a muddy lens,
• 18:33
  all you gotta do is wipe it off.
• 18:34
  So good. Awesome, Tiffanie. I'm so glad you joined us today.
• 18:38
  ⁓ Y'all again, thank you for jumping on and listening
• 18:42
  to Candid Coach Conversations.
• 18:44
  Tiffanie, I hope you'll come back again ⁓ and share some more insight
• 18:48
  and perspective very soon. ⁓ All right.
• 18:51
  Thank you, ⁓ everybody. We're wishing you a fantastic day.
• 18:55
  Live life fully and enjoy every moment.
• 18:59
  ⁓ Bye. ⁓