Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E 318: Tammys Takes #22: Your Child Isn't The Trigger.. Your Nervous System Is

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E 318: Tammys Takes #22: Your Child Isn't The Trigger.. Your Nervous System Is · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:01
  Welcome
• 0:02
  back
• 0:02
  to
• 0:02
  another
• 0:02
  episode
• 0:03
  of
• 0:03
  Tammi's
• 0:03
  Takes,
• 0:03
  where
• 0:03
  we
• 0:04
  take
• 0:04
  powerful
• 0:04
  conversations
• 0:05
  from
• 0:05
  our
• 0:05
  guest
• 0:06
  and
• 0:06
  turn
• 0:06
  them
• 0:06
  into
• 0:07
  practical
• 0:07
  strategies
• 0:08
  that
• 0:08
  you
• 0:08
  can
• 0:08
  use
• 0:09
  right
• 0:09
  here,
• 0:09
  right
• 0:10
  now.
• 0:10
  So
• 0:10
  today,
• 0:11
  I
• 0:11
  wanna
• 0:11
  expand
• 0:11
  on
• 0:11
  my
• 0:12
  talk
• 0:12
  with
• 0:12
  Erin
• 0:13
  Rubin
• 0:13
  from
• 0:13
  Mama
• 0:13
  Zen,
• 0:14
  because
• 0:14
  honestly,
• 0:15
  this
• 0:15
  episode
• 0:16
  hit
• 0:16
  home
• 0:16
  for
• 0:16
  me.
• 0:17
  If
• 0:18
  you
• 0:18
  listen
• 0:18
  to
• 0:18
  the
• 0:18
  episode,
• 0:19
  Erin
• 0:19
  and
• 0:19
  I
• 0:19
  talked
• 0:19
  a
• 0:19
  lot
• 0:20
  about
• 0:20
  parenting,
• 0:21
  emotional
• 0:21
  regulation,
• 0:22
  nervous
• 0:22
  system
• 0:23
  healing,
• 0:24
  whoo,
• 0:24
  and
• 0:24
  something
• 0:25
  that
• 0:25
  I
• 0:25
  think
• 0:25
  so
• 0:26
  many
• 0:26
  parents
• 0:26
  secretly
• 0:27
  struggle
• 0:27
  with
• 0:27
  don't...
• 0:28
  but
• 0:28
  don't
• 0:28
  always
• 0:28
  want
• 0:29
  to
• 0:29
  admit.
• 0:30
  And
• 0:30
  that
• 0:30
  is,
• 0:30
  why
• 0:30
  do
• 0:31
  our
• 0:31
  kids
• 0:31
  trigger
• 0:32
  us
• 0:32
  so
• 0:32
  much?
• 0:33
  So
• 0:33
  listen,
• 0:34
  if
• 0:34
  you've
• 0:34
  ever
• 0:34
  found
• 0:34
  yourself
• 0:35
  snapping
• 0:36
  or
• 0:36
  yelling,
• 0:36
  shutting
• 0:37
  down,
• 0:37
  feeling
• 0:38
  overstimulated,
• 0:38
  or
• 0:39
  thinking,
• 0:39
  "Why
• 0:40
  am
• 0:40
  I
• 0:40
  reacting
• 0:41
  so
• 0:41
  strongly
• 0:42
  to
• 0:42
  something
• 0:42
  so
• 0:43
  small?"
• 0:44
  I
• 0:44
  want
• 0:44
  you
• 0:44
  to
• 0:44
  hear
• 0:44
  me
• 0:45
  when
• 0:45
  I
• 0:45
  say
• 0:45
  this.
• 0:45
  You
• 0:46
  are
• 0:46
  not
• 0:46
  a
• 0:46
  bad
• 0:46
  parent.
• 0:47
  You
• 0:47
  are
• 0:47
  not
• 0:47
  broken.
• 0:48
  And
• 0:48
  seriously,
• 0:49
  your
• 0:49
  child
• 0:50
  probably
• 0:50
  isn't
• 0:50
  even
• 0:51
  the
• 0:51
  trigger.
• 0:52
  It's
• 0:52
  your
• 0:52
  nervous
• 0:52
  system.
• 0:53
  Now,
• 0:54
  before
• 0:54
  anybody
• 0:54
  comes
• 0:55
  to
• 0:55
  me
• 0:55
  and
• 0:55
  says,
• 0:56
  "Tammi,
• 0:56
  my
• 0:56
  kid
• 0:56
  absolutely
• 0:57
  is
• 0:58
  the
• 0:58
  trigger,"
• 0:58
  I
• 0:58
  want
• 0:59
  you
• 0:59
  to
• 0:59
  hear
• 0:59
  me
• 0:59
  out
• 0:59
  for
• 0:59
  a
• 0:59
  second,
• 1:00
  because
• 1:00
  this
• 1:00
  changed
• 1:01
  absolutely
• 1:01
  everything
• 1:02
  for
• 1:02
  me.
• 1:02
  When
• 1:03
  your
• 1:03
  child
• 1:03
  does
• 1:03
  something,
• 1:04
  let's
• 1:04
  say
• 1:04
  back
• 1:05
  talks
• 1:05
  or
• 1:05
  whines
• 1:06
  or
• 1:06
  melts
• 1:06
  down,
• 1:07
  maybe
• 1:07
  ignores
• 1:08
  you,
• 1:08
  pushes
• 1:09
  boundaries,
• 1:10
  all
• 1:10
  the
• 1:10
  things
• 1:10
  that
• 1:10
  kids
• 1:11
  do
• 1:11
  naturally,
• 1:12
  it's
• 1:12
  usually
• 1:12
  not
• 1:13
  the
• 1:13
  behavior
• 1:13
  itself
• 1:14
  that
• 1:14
  causes
• 1:14
  the
• 1:15
  huge
• 1:15
  emotional
• 1:16
  reaction
• 1:16
  from
• 1:16
  you.
• 1:17
  It's
• 1:18
  what
• 1:18
  the
• 1:18
  behavior
• 1:19
  touches
• 1:19
  inside
• 1:20
  of
• 1:20
  you.
• 1:20
  That's
• 1:21
  the
• 1:21
  part
• 1:21
  nobody
• 1:21
  talks
• 1:22
  about.
• 1:22
  Because
• 1:23
  if
• 1:23
  you
• 1:23
  grew
• 1:23
  up
• 1:23
  in
• 1:23
  dysfunction,
• 1:24
  if
• 1:24
  you
• 1:24
  grew
• 1:24
  up
• 1:25
  in
• 1:25
  chaos,
• 1:25
  if
• 1:25
  you
• 1:26
  grew
• 1:26
  up
• 1:26
  walking
• 1:26
  on
• 1:26
  eggshells,
• 1:27
  emotional
• 1:28
  neglect,
• 1:28
  criticism,
• 1:29
  explosive
• 1:30
  moments,
• 1:31
  like
• 1:32
  all
• 1:32
  those
• 1:32
  things,
• 1:32
  if
• 1:32
  that's
• 1:33
  how
• 1:33
  you
• 1:33
  grew
• 1:33
  up,
• 1:34
  or
• 1:34
  even
• 1:34
  if
• 1:34
  your
• 1:34
  parents
• 1:35
  were
• 1:35
  never
• 1:35
  regulated
• 1:36
  themselves,
• 1:37
  your
• 1:37
  nervous
• 1:38
  system
• 1:38
  learned
• 1:38
  survival
• 1:39
  long
• 1:40
  before
• 1:40
  it
• 1:40
  learned
• 1:40
  safety.
• 1:41
  And
• 1:41
  this
• 1:42
  matters
• 1:43
  because
• 1:43
  as
• 1:43
  adults,
• 1:43
  especially
• 1:44
  as
• 1:44
  parents,
• 1:45
  we
• 1:45
  don't
• 1:45
  react
• 1:45
  from
• 1:45
  logic
• 1:46
  first.
• 1:47
  We
• 1:47
  react
• 1:47
  from
• 1:47
  wiring,
• 1:48
  from
• 1:48
  old
• 1:49
  programming,
• 1:50
  and
• 1:50
  from
• 1:50
  subconscious
• 1:51
  protection.
• 1:52
  So
• 1:53
  maybe
• 1:53
  your
• 1:53
  child
• 1:54
  back
• 1:54
  doesn't
• 1:55
  feel
• 1:55
  like
• 1:56
  talking
• 1:56
  back.
• 1:56
  It
• 1:56
  doesn't
• 1:57
  just
• 1:57
  feel
• 1:57
  like
• 1:57
  they're
• 1:58
  just
• 1:58
  talking
• 1:58
  back
• 1:58
  to
• 1:58
  you.
• 1:59
  Maybe
• 1:59
  it
• 1:59
  feels
• 2:00
  respectful
• 2:00
  because
• 2:01
  growing
• 2:01
  up,
• 2:01
  you
• 2:01
  were
• 2:02
  never
• 2:02
  allowed
• 2:02
  to
• 2:02
  speak.
• 2:04
  And
• 2:04
  I
• 2:04
  want
• 2:04
  you
• 2:04
  to
• 2:04
  think
• 2:05
  about
• 2:05
  these
• 2:05
  things,
• 2:05
  and
• 2:05
  I
• 2:05
  want
• 2:05
  you
• 2:06
  to
• 2:06
  put
• 2:06
  yourself
• 2:06
  in
• 2:07
  these
• 2:07
  shoes
• 2:07
  and
• 2:07
  see
• 2:07
  if
• 2:08
  any
• 2:08
  of
• 2:08
  this
• 2:08
  really
• 2:08
  resonates.
• 2:09
  Because
• 2:09
  for
• 2:09
  some
• 2:10
  people,
• 2:10
  it
• 2:10
  hits
• 2:11
  so
• 2:11
  close
• 2:12
  to
• 2:12
  home,
• 2:12
  it's
• 2:12
  unbelievable.
• 2:14
  So
• 2:14
  maybe
• 2:14
  the
• 2:14
  whining,
• 2:15
  it
• 2:15
  makes
• 2:15
  you
• 2:15
  feel
• 2:16
  overwhelmed
• 2:17
  because
• 2:17
  nobody
• 2:17
  ever
• 2:18
  helped
• 2:18
  regulate
• 2:18
  when
• 2:19
  you
• 2:19
  were
• 2:19
  overwhelmed.
• 2:21
  Maybe
• 2:21
  loud
• 2:22
  chaos
• 2:22
  feels
• 2:23
  unbearable
• 2:23
  sometimes
• 2:24
  because
• 2:24
  your
• 2:24
  house
• 2:25
  growing
• 2:25
  up
• 2:25
  felt
• 2:26
  emotionally
• 2:26
  unsafe.
• 2:28
  So
• 2:28
  maybe
• 2:28
  when
• 2:28
  your
• 2:28
  child
• 2:29
  melts
• 2:29
  down
• 2:29
  even,
• 2:30
  something
• 2:30
  inside
• 2:30
  of
• 2:31
  you
• 2:31
  gets
• 2:31
  activated,
• 2:32
  and
• 2:32
  suddenly
• 2:33
  it's
• 2:33
  not
• 2:33
  about
• 2:34
  this
• 2:34
  moment,
• 2:35
  it's
• 2:35
  about
• 2:35
  every
• 2:36
  single
• 2:36
  tiny
• 2:37
  moment.
• 2:37
  Every
• 2:38
  time
• 2:38
  you
• 2:38
  felt
• 2:38
  powerless,
• 2:39
  every
• 2:39
  time
• 2:40
  you
• 2:40
  felt
• 2:40
  unheard,
• 2:40
  every
• 2:41
  time
• 2:41
  your
• 2:41
  emotions
• 2:42
  weren't
• 2:42
  safe.
• 2:43
  And
• 2:43
  if
• 2:43
  you
• 2:43
  don't
• 2:44
  realize
• 2:44
  that,
• 2:45
  you'll
• 2:45
  think,
• 2:45
  my
• 2:46
  child,
• 2:46
  who
• 2:46
  I
• 2:46
  love
• 2:47
  more
• 2:47
  than
• 2:47
  anything
• 2:47
  in
• 2:48
  the
• 2:48
  whole
• 2:48
  world,
• 2:48
  is
• 2:48
  driving
• 2:49
  me
• 2:49
  crazy."
• 2:50
  Instead
• 2:50
  of
• 2:50
  asking
• 2:51
  yourself,
• 2:51
  What
• 2:52
  is
• 2:52
  this
• 2:52
  bringing
• 2:52
  up
• 2:52
  in
• 2:53
  me?
• 2:53
  what
• 2:53
  is
• 2:53
  this
• 2:53
  bringing
• 2:54
  up?
• 2:54
  What
• 2:54
  is
• 2:54
  this
• 2:54
  stirring
• 2:55
  up?
• 2:55
  Because
• 2:56
  that
• 2:56
  question
• 2:56
  alone
• 2:57
  changes
• 2:58
  everything.
• 2:59
  Because
• 3:00
  healing
• 3:00
  generational
• 3:01
  trauma
• 3:01
  isn't
• 3:01
  about
• 3:02
  not
• 3:02
  getting
• 3:02
  triggered.
• 3:03
  It's
• 3:03
  about
• 3:03
  getting
• 3:04
  curious
• 3:04
  about
• 3:04
  the
• 3:04
  triggers.
• 3:05
  And
• 3:06
  as
• 3:06
  Erin
• 3:06
  said
• 3:06
  something
• 3:07
  in
• 3:07
  the
• 3:07
  episode
• 3:07
  I
• 3:07
  absolutely
• 3:08
  love,
• 3:08
  she
• 3:08
  talk
• 3:09
  about
• 3:09
  how
• 3:09
  your
• 3:10
  child
• 3:10
  triggering
• 3:11
  you
• 3:11
  is
• 3:11
  actually
• 3:12
  just
• 3:12
  information.
• 3:13
  It's
• 3:13
  awareness.
• 3:14
  It's
• 3:15
  an
• 3:15
  opportunity
• 3:15
  to
• 3:16
  look
• 3:16
  inward
• 3:16
  instead
• 3:17
  of
• 3:17
  immediately
• 3:17
  outward.
• 3:18
  And
• 3:18
  honestly,
• 3:19
  that's
• 3:19
  hard
• 3:20
  because
• 3:20
  most
• 3:20
  of
• 3:20
  us
• 3:21
  were
• 3:21
  raised
• 3:21
  to
• 3:21
  suppress,
• 3:22
  to
• 3:22
  hold
• 3:22
  it
• 3:23
  in,
• 3:23
  to
• 3:23
  suck
• 3:23
  it
• 3:23
  up,
• 3:23
  to
• 3:23
  stop
• 3:24
  crying,
• 3:24
  to
• 3:24
  get
• 3:24
  over
• 3:25
  it,
• 3:25
  to
• 3:25
  go
• 3:25
  to
• 3:25
  your
• 3:25
  room,
• 3:25
  to
• 3:25
  don't
• 3:26
  feel,
• 3:26
  don't
• 3:26
  talk,
• 3:26
  don't
• 3:27
  express.
• 3:28
  Whew,
• 3:28
  all
• 3:28
  of
• 3:29
  that
• 3:29
  stuff.
• 3:30
  And
• 3:30
  now
• 3:30
  we're
• 3:30
  trying
• 3:31
  to
• 3:31
  parent
• 3:31
  differently
• 3:32
  while
• 3:32
  healing
• 3:32
  ourselves
• 3:33
  at
• 3:33
  the
• 3:33
  same
• 3:33
  time.
• 3:34
  And
• 3:34
  that's
• 3:34
  not
• 3:35
  easy.
• 3:35
  That's
• 3:35
  brave,
• 3:36
  though.
• 3:36
  That
• 3:36
  is
• 3:36
  super
• 3:37
  brave.
• 3:38
  And
• 3:38
  I
• 3:38
  want
• 3:38
  you
• 3:38
  to
• 3:38
  normalize
• 3:39
  something
• 3:39
  very
• 3:39
  quickly.
• 3:40
  You're
• 3:40
  going
• 3:41
  to
• 3:41
  get
• 3:41
  triggered.
• 3:41
  You
• 3:42
  can't
• 3:42
  avoid
• 3:42
  that.
• 3:43
  You
• 3:43
  just
• 3:43
  are.
• 3:44
  You're
• 3:44
  going
• 3:44
  to
• 3:44
  have
• 3:44
  those
• 3:45
  moments
• 3:45
  where
• 3:45
  your
• 3:45
  nervous
• 3:46
  system
• 3:46
  gets
• 3:46
  flooded,
• 3:47
  where
• 3:47
  you're
• 3:48
  overstimulated,
• 3:48
  where
• 3:48
  the
• 3:49
  whining
• 3:49
  feels
• 3:50
  like
• 3:50
  nails
• 3:50
  on
• 3:51
  a
• 3:51
  chalkboard
• 3:51
  even,
• 3:52
  where
• 3:53
  your
• 3:53
  sibling
• 3:53
  fighting
• 3:54
  makes
• 3:54
  you
• 3:54
  want
• 3:54
  to
• 3:55
  lose
• 3:55
  your
• 3:55
  mind.
• 3:56
  That
• 3:56
  doesn't
• 3:57
  mean
• 3:57
  you
• 3:57
  failed
• 3:57
  as
• 3:57
  a
• 3:57
  parent.
• 3:58
  It
• 3:58
  just
• 3:58
  means
• 3:59
  you're
• 3:59
  human.
• 4:00
  The
• 4:00
  difference
• 4:00
  is
• 4:01
  what
• 4:01
  happens
• 4:01
  next
• 4:01
  and
• 4:02
  how
• 4:02
  you
• 4:02
  react.
• 4:03
  So
• 4:03
  today
• 4:03
  I
• 4:03
  want
• 4:03
  to
• 4:04
  give
• 4:04
  you,
• 4:04
  as
• 4:04
  always,
• 4:04
  a
• 4:05
  practical
• 4:05
  process
• 4:06
  that
• 4:06
  you
• 4:06
  can
• 4:06
  start
• 4:06
  using
• 4:06
  immediately.
• 4:07
  And
• 4:08
  if
• 4:08
  I
• 4:08
  had
• 4:08
  to
• 4:08
  give
• 4:08
  this
• 4:09
  one
• 4:09
  a
• 4:09
  name,
• 4:09
  I
• 4:09
  would
• 4:09
  probably
• 4:10
  call
• 4:10
  it
• 4:10
  the
• 4:10
  three-step
• 4:11
  nervous
• 4:11
  system
• 4:11
  reset
• 4:12
  for
• 4:12
  parenting
• 4:13
  triggers.
• 4:15
  Why
• 4:15
  not,
• 4:15
  right?
• 4:16
  Step
• 4:16
  one,
• 4:17
  is
• 4:17
  pause
• 4:17
  the
• 4:17
  pattern.
• 4:18
  This
• 4:18
  is
• 4:18
  huge
• 4:19
  because
• 4:19
  when
• 4:19
  your
• 4:19
  nervous
• 4:20
  system
• 4:20
  is
• 4:20
  flooded,
• 4:21
  you
• 4:21
  are
• 4:21
  not
• 4:21
  responding.
• 4:22
  You
• 4:22
  are
• 4:22
  reacting.
• 4:23
  And
• 4:23
  reaction
• 4:24
  usually
• 4:24
  comes
• 4:25
  from
• 4:25
  the
• 4:25
  past,
• 4:25
  not
• 4:25
  the
• 4:25
  present.
• 4:27
  So
• 4:27
  before
• 4:28
  saying
• 4:28
  the
• 4:28
  thing,
• 4:28
  before
• 4:29
  yelling,
• 4:29
  before
• 4:29
  slapping,
• 4:30
  before
• 4:30
  snapping,
• 4:31
  before
• 4:32
  doing
• 4:32
  any
• 4:32
  of
• 4:32
  those
• 4:33
  knee-jerk
• 4:33
  reactions
• 4:34
  that
• 4:34
  you
• 4:34
  want
• 4:34
  to
• 4:34
  do,
• 4:35
  just
• 4:35
  pause,
• 4:36
  even
• 4:36
  if
• 4:37
  it's
• 4:37
  literally
• 4:37
  three
• 4:38
  seconds,
• 4:38
  and
• 4:38
  ask,
• 4:39
  "What
• 4:39
  am
• 4:39
  I
• 4:39
  feeling
• 4:40
  right
• 4:40
  now?"
• 4:41
  Not
• 4:42
  what
• 4:42
  is
• 4:42
  wrong
• 4:42
  with
• 4:42
  my
• 4:42
  child,
• 4:43
  but
• 4:43
  what
• 4:44
  am
• 4:44
  I
• 4:44
  feeling?
• 4:45
  Why
• 4:46
  am
• 4:46
  I
• 4:46
  overstimulated?
• 4:47
  Do
• 4:47
  I
• 4:47
  feel
• 4:48
  unheard?
• 4:48
  Do
• 4:48
  I
• 4:49
  feel
• 4:49
  disrespected?
• 4:50
  Do
• 4:50
  I
• 4:50
  feel
• 4:50
  powerless,
• 4:51
  exhausted,
• 4:52
  flooding,
• 4:52
  tired?
• 4:53
  Whatever
• 4:53
  it
• 4:53
  is,
• 4:54
  what
• 4:54
  do
• 4:55
  I
• 4:55
  feel?
• 4:56
  Because
• 4:56
  naming
• 4:57
  it
• 4:58
  naturally
• 4:59
  lowers
• 4:59
  the
• 4:59
  intensity
• 5:00
  of
• 5:00
  it.
• 5:00
  And
• 5:01
  if
• 5:01
  your
• 5:01
  nervous
• 5:01
  system
• 5:01
  is
• 5:02
  activated,
• 5:03
  you
• 5:03
  do
• 5:03
  not
• 5:03
  need
• 5:03
  a
• 5:03
  parenting
• 5:04
  strategy
• 5:04
  first.
• 5:05
  You
• 5:05
  need
• 5:06
  regulation
• 5:06
  first.
• 5:07
  That's
• 5:07
  just
• 5:07
  how
• 5:07
  it
• 5:07
  is.
• 5:08
  So
• 5:08
  step
• 5:08
  two,
• 5:09
  ask
• 5:10
  yourself,
• 5:10
  "What
• 5:11
  is
• 5:11
  this
• 5:11
  reminding
• 5:11
  me
• 5:11
  of?"
• 5:12
  This
• 5:13
  one
• 5:13
  is
• 5:13
  super
• 5:13
  powerful
• 5:14
  because
• 5:14
  your
• 5:14
  child
• 5:15
  might
• 5:15
  not
• 5:15
  be
• 5:15
  causing
• 5:16
  the
• 5:16
  wound.
• 5:17
  They
• 5:17
  may
• 5:17
  be
• 5:17
  activating
• 5:18
  it.
• 5:18
  Yes,
• 5:18
  that
• 5:18
  is
• 5:19
  not
• 5:19
  far
• 5:20
  from
• 5:20
  the
• 5:20
  truth.
• 5:22
  But
• 5:22
  listen,
• 5:22
  It's
• 5:22
  about
• 5:22
  understanding
• 5:23
  your
• 5:23
  patterns.
• 5:24
  So
• 5:24
  ask,
• 5:25
  "What
• 5:25
  does
• 5:25
  this
• 5:26
  remind
• 5:26
  me
• 5:26
  of?"
• 5:27
  what
• 5:27
  does
• 5:27
  that
• 5:27
  feel
• 5:28
  like?
• 5:28
  What
• 5:28
  feeling
• 5:29
  is
• 5:29
  familiar?
• 5:30
  Did
• 5:30
  I
• 5:30
  grow
• 5:30
  up
• 5:30
  feeling
• 5:30
  controlled?
• 5:31
  Did
• 5:31
  I
• 5:31
  grow
• 5:31
  up
• 5:32
  feeling
• 5:32
  ignored
• 5:33
  or
• 5:33
  unsafe
• 5:34
  or
• 5:34
  not
• 5:34
  listened
• 5:34
  to
• 5:35
  or
• 5:35
  like
• 5:35
  I
• 5:36
  had
• 5:36
  no
• 5:36
  voice?
• 5:37
  Because
• 5:38
  when
• 5:38
  we
• 5:38
  don't
• 5:38
  explore
• 5:39
  our
• 5:39
  own
• 5:39
  wounds,
• 5:40
  we
• 5:40
  parent
• 5:40
  from
• 5:41
  them
• 5:41
  without
• 5:41
  even
• 5:42
  realizing
• 5:42
  it.
• 5:43
  And
• 5:43
  awareness
• 5:43
  is
• 5:44
  where
• 5:44
  the
• 5:44
  healing
• 5:44
  begins.
• 5:46
  So
• 5:46
  be
• 5:47
  aware.
• 5:48
  Step
• 5:48
  three,
• 5:49
  step
• 5:49
  three,
• 5:50
  co-regulate
• 5:51
  instead
• 5:51
  of
• 5:51
  control.
• 5:52
  This
• 5:53
  one
• 5:53
  might
• 5:53
  be
• 5:53
  my
• 5:53
  absolute
• 5:54
  favorite
• 5:55
  because
• 5:55
  most
• 5:55
  of
• 5:55
  us
• 5:56
  didn't
• 5:56
  learn
• 5:56
  emotional
• 5:57
  regulation.
• 5:58
  We
• 5:58
  learn,
• 5:59
  we
• 5:59
  learned
• 5:59
  emotional
• 6:00
  suppression
• 6:01
  or
• 6:01
  explosions
• 6:02
  or
• 6:03
  silence.
• 6:04
  We
• 6:04
  either
• 6:04
  lashed
• 6:05
  out,
• 6:05
  shut
• 6:06
  down,
• 6:07
  or
• 6:07
  just
• 6:08
  went
• 6:08
  away.
• 6:09
  But
• 6:09
  co-regulation
• 6:10
  means
• 6:11
  we
• 6:11
  can
• 6:11
  do
• 6:11
  it
• 6:11
  together
• 6:12
  and
• 6:12
  we
• 6:12
  can
• 6:12
  calm
• 6:13
  down
• 6:13
  together.
• 6:14
  So
• 6:14
  instead
• 6:14
  of
• 6:15
  yelling,
• 6:15
  "Go
• 6:15
  to
• 6:15
  your
• 6:15
  room,"
• 6:16
  try,
• 6:17
  "Hey,
• 6:18
  mommy
• 6:18
  needs
• 6:18
  a
• 6:19
  second.
• 6:19
  Let's
• 6:19
  breathe
• 6:20
  together,"
• 6:21
  or,
• 6:21
  "Let's
• 6:21
  get
• 6:21
  some
• 6:21
  cold
• 6:22
  water.
• 6:22
  Let
• 6:22
  me
• 6:22
  go
• 6:22
  get
• 6:22
  a
• 6:22
  drink
• 6:23
  of
• 6:23
  water.
• 6:23
  Let's
• 6:24
  sit
• 6:24
  for
• 6:24
  a
• 6:24
  minute
• 6:24
  together."
• 6:25
  And
• 6:25
  then
• 6:26
  just
• 6:26
  listen.
• 6:28
  This
• 6:28
  doesn't
• 6:28
  mean
• 6:28
  being
• 6:29
  a
• 6:29
  permissive
• 6:29
  parent.
• 6:30
  You're
• 6:30
  still
• 6:30
  holding
• 6:31
  boundaries.
• 6:31
  You
• 6:31
  still
• 6:32
  parent,
• 6:33
  but
• 6:33
  you
• 6:33
  stop
• 6:33
  trying
• 6:34
  to
• 6:34
  control
• 6:34
  emotions
• 6:35
  and
• 6:35
  start
• 6:35
  teaching
• 6:36
  emotional
• 6:36
  safety.
• 6:37
  And
• 6:37
  honestly,
• 6:38
  that
• 6:38
  changes
• 6:39
  generation
• 6:40
  after
• 6:40
  generation.
• 6:41
  One
• 6:42
  of
• 6:42
  the
• 6:42
  things
• 6:42
  Erin
• 6:42
  said
• 6:43
  that
• 6:43
  I
• 6:43
  loved
• 6:43
  was
• 6:43
  the
• 6:43
  idea
• 6:44
  that
• 6:44
  your
• 6:44
  kids
• 6:44
  are
• 6:44
  watching
• 6:45
  how
• 6:45
  you
• 6:45
  regulate,
• 6:46
  not
• 6:46
  whether
• 6:46
  you're
• 6:46
  perfect,
• 6:47
  not
• 6:47
  whether
• 6:49
  you
• 6:49
  do
• 6:50
  the
• 6:50
  right
• 6:50
  things
• 6:50
  or
• 6:50
  say
• 6:50
  the
• 6:50
  right
• 6:51
  things
• 6:51
  always,
• 6:52
  but
• 6:52
  whether
• 6:52
  you
• 6:52
  repair,
• 6:53
  whether
• 6:54
  you
• 6:54
  pause,
• 6:55
  whether
• 6:55
  you
• 6:55
  apologize.
• 6:56
  And
• 6:56
  I
• 6:56
  have
• 6:56
  to
• 6:57
  tell
• 6:57
  you,
• 6:57
  that
• 6:57
  hit
• 6:57
  me
• 6:58
  so
• 6:58
  hard
• 6:59
  because
• 6:59
  I
• 6:59
  grew
• 6:59
  up
• 6:59
  in
• 6:59
  a
• 7:00
  home
• 7:00
  where
• 7:00
  there
• 7:00
  were
• 7:00
  emotional
• 7:01
  outbursts,
• 7:02
  and
• 7:02
  there
• 7:02
  was
• 7:02
  never
• 7:03
  an
• 7:03
  apology.
• 7:03
  I
• 7:03
  cannot
• 7:04
  remember
• 7:04
  one
• 7:05
  time
• 7:06
  ever
• 7:07
  that
• 7:07
  my
• 7:07
  parents
• 7:08
  ever
• 7:08
  said
• 7:08
  to
• 7:08
  me,
• 7:08
  "I'm
• 7:08
  sorry
• 7:09
  I
• 7:09
  acted
• 7:09
  that
• 7:09
  way,"
• 7:10
  or,
• 7:10
  "Mommy
• 7:11
  was
• 7:11
  going
• 7:11
  through
• 7:11
  some
• 7:11
  stuff,
• 7:12
  and
• 7:12
  I
• 7:12
  apologize.
• 7:13
  I
• 7:13
  shouldn't
• 7:13
  have
• 7:13
  treated
• 7:14
  you
• 7:14
  like
• 7:14
  that."
• 7:14
  Never.
• 7:16
  And
• 7:16
  I
• 7:16
  remember
• 7:17
  when
• 7:17
  I
• 7:17
  became
• 7:17
  a
• 7:17
  mom,
• 7:18
  I
• 7:18
  just
• 7:18
  knew
• 7:18
  something
• 7:19
  inside
• 7:19
  of
• 7:19
  me
• 7:20
  was
• 7:20
  that
• 7:21
  I
• 7:21
  didn't
• 7:21
  want
• 7:21
  my
• 7:21
  kids
• 7:22
  to
• 7:22
  feel
• 7:22
  scared
• 7:23
  of
• 7:23
  my
• 7:23
  emotions.
• 7:24
  So
• 7:24
  was
• 7:25
  I
• 7:25
  perfect?
• 7:25
  Absolutely
• 7:26
  not.
• 7:27
  Did
• 7:27
  I
• 7:27
  ever
• 7:27
  snap
• 7:28
  at
• 7:28
  them?
• 7:28
  Of
• 7:29
  course
• 7:29
  I
• 7:29
  did,
• 7:30
  but
• 7:30
  I
• 7:30
  learned
• 7:30
  the
• 7:30
  power
• 7:31
  of
• 7:31
  repair.
• 7:32
  I
• 7:32
  learned
• 7:32
  to
• 7:32
  go
• 7:33
  back
• 7:33
  and
• 7:33
  say,
• 7:33
  "Hey,
• 7:34
  I'm
• 7:34
  sorry.
• 7:34
  That
• 7:35
  wasn't
• 7:35
  okay.
• 7:36
  You
• 7:36
  didn't
• 7:36
  deserve
• 7:36
  that."
• 7:38
  And
• 7:38
  you
• 7:38
  know
• 7:38
  what
• 7:38
  that
• 7:38
  teaches
• 7:39
  a
• 7:39
  child?
• 7:40
  One
• 7:40
  of
• 7:40
  the
• 7:40
  most
• 7:40
  important
• 7:41
  things
• 7:41
  you
• 7:41
  can
• 7:41
  teach
• 7:41
  a
• 7:42
  child.
• 7:42
  It
• 7:42
  teaches
• 7:43
  them
• 7:43
  safety
• 7:44
  because
• 7:44
  children
• 7:45
  don't
• 7:45
  need
• 7:45
  perfect
• 7:45
  parents.
• 7:46
  They
• 7:46
  need
• 7:47
  repairing
• 7:47
  parents
• 7:48
  who
• 7:48
  are
• 7:48
  willing
• 7:48
  to
• 7:48
  grow,
• 7:49
  parents
• 7:49
  who
• 7:49
  say,
• 7:50
  "I
• 7:50
  got
• 7:50
  it
• 7:50
  wrong.
• 7:51
  I
• 7:51
  messed
• 7:51
  up.
• 7:51
  I
• 7:51
  screwed
• 7:52
  up,
• 7:54
  and
• 7:54
  I'll
• 7:54
  do
• 7:54
  better
• 7:54
  next
• 7:55
  time."
• 7:56
  But
• 7:56
  what
• 7:56
  if
• 7:56
  nobody
• 7:57
  modeled
• 7:57
  that
• 7:57
  for
• 7:57
  you
• 7:57
  growing
• 7:58
  up?
• 7:58
  It's
• 7:58
  okay.
• 8:00
  That's
• 8:00
  what
• 8:00
  we're
• 8:00
  here
• 8:00
  to
• 8:00
  do.
• 8:01
  You
• 8:01
  get
• 8:02
  to
• 8:02
  be
• 8:02
  the
• 8:02
  cycle
• 8:02
  breaker.
• 8:03
  You
• 8:03
  get
• 8:03
  to
• 8:03
  say,
• 8:04
  "This
• 8:04
  stops
• 8:04
  with
• 8:04
  me."
• 8:05
  And
• 8:05
  let
• 8:05
  me
• 8:05
  just
• 8:05
  say
• 8:06
  something
• 8:06
  to
• 8:06
  the
• 8:06
  parents
• 8:06
  listening
• 8:07
  right
• 8:07
  now
• 8:07
  who
• 8:07
  are
• 8:07
  carrying
• 8:08
  guilt
• 8:08
  right
• 8:08
  now
• 8:08
  because
• 8:10
  I
• 8:10
  want
• 8:10
  you
• 8:10
  to
• 8:10
  hear
• 8:10
  this
• 8:11
  so,
• 8:12
  so
• 8:12
  much
• 8:12
  from
• 8:12
  the
• 8:12
  bottom
• 8:12
  of
• 8:12
  my
• 8:13
  heart.
• 8:13
  You
• 8:14
  cannot
• 8:14
  shame
• 8:14
  yourself
• 8:15
  into
• 8:15
  healing.
• 8:16
  You
• 8:16
  cannot
• 8:16
  guilt
• 8:17
  yourself
• 8:17
  into
• 8:18
  becoming
• 8:18
  a
• 8:18
  calmer
• 8:19
  parent.
• 8:20
  Healing
• 8:20
  happens
• 8:20
  through
• 8:21
  compassion,
• 8:22
  through
• 8:22
  awareness,
• 8:23
  through
• 8:23
  support,
• 8:24
  and
• 8:24
  honestly,
• 8:25
  through
• 8:25
  small
• 8:26
  moments
• 8:26
  of
• 8:26
  choosing
• 8:26
  differently.
• 8:27
  That's
• 8:27
  it.
• 8:28
  Not
• 8:29
  perfection,
• 8:29
  just
• 8:30
  different.
• 8:31
  One
• 8:31
  step
• 8:31
  at
• 8:31
  a
• 8:31
  time,
• 8:32
  one
• 8:32
  moment
• 8:33
  at
• 8:33
  a
• 8:33
  time,
• 8:33
  one
• 8:33
  pause
• 8:34
  at
• 8:34
  a
• 8:34
  time,
• 8:35
  one
• 8:35
  breath
• 8:35
  at
• 8:35
  a
• 8:35
  time.
• 8:36
  Honestly,
• 8:37
  that's--
• 8:38
  I
• 8:38
  created
• 8:38
  something
• 8:39
  for
• 8:39
  people
• 8:39
  just
• 8:39
  like
• 8:39
  that,
• 8:40
  and
• 8:40
  it's
• 8:40
  called
• 8:40
  the
• 8:40
  Nervous
• 8:41
  System
• 8:41
  Reset
• 8:41
  Guide,
• 8:42
  because
• 8:42
  so
• 8:43
  many
• 8:43
  of
• 8:43
  us
• 8:43
  are
• 8:43
  trying
• 8:43
  to
• 8:43
  heal
• 8:44
  from
• 8:44
  the
• 8:44
  neck
• 8:44
  up.
• 8:45
  Mindset,
• 8:46
  positive
• 8:46
  thinking,
• 8:47
  motivational
• 8:47
  quotes.
• 8:49
  But
• 8:49
  at
• 8:49
  the
• 8:49
  end
• 8:49
  of
• 8:49
  the
• 8:49
  day,
• 8:49
  if
• 8:49
  your
• 8:50
  body
• 8:50
  still
• 8:50
  feels
• 8:51
  unsafe,
• 8:51
  you'll
• 8:52
  keep
• 8:52
  reacting
• 8:52
  from
• 8:52
  survival.
• 8:53
  So
• 8:54
  if
• 8:54
  today's
• 8:54
  episode
• 8:55
  resonates
• 8:55
  with
• 8:55
  you
• 8:55
  at
• 8:56
  all
• 8:56
  and
• 8:56
  you're
• 8:56
  thinking,
• 8:56
  "Oh,
• 8:57
  wow,
• 8:57
  maybe
• 8:58
  this
• 8:58
  isn't
• 8:58
  about
• 8:59
  my
• 8:59
  child.
• 8:59
  Maybe
• 9:00
  my
• 9:00
  nervous
• 9:00
  system
• 9:00
  is
• 9:00
  overwhelmed,"
• 9:01
  I
• 9:02
  wanna
• 9:02
  encourage
• 9:02
  you
• 9:02
  to
• 9:02
  grab
• 9:03
  the
• 9:03
  guide.
• 9:03
  It's
• 9:04
  simple,
• 9:04
  practical
• 9:04
  tools
• 9:05
  to
• 9:05
  help
• 9:05
  calm
• 9:06
  your
• 9:06
  nervous
• 9:06
  system
• 9:06
  in
• 9:06
  real
• 9:07
  life,
• 9:07
  in
• 9:07
  real
• 9:07
  time,
• 9:08
  especially
• 9:09
  in
• 9:09
  the
• 9:09
  moments
• 9:09
  when
• 9:09
  you're
• 9:09
  flooded.
• 9:10
  Grab
• 9:11
  it
• 9:11
  below
• 9:11
  in
• 9:11
  the
• 9:11
  link,
• 9:12
  And
• 9:12
  I
• 9:12
  just
• 9:12
  wanna
• 9:12
  leave
• 9:13
  you
• 9:13
  with
• 9:13
  this.
• 9:13
  You're
• 9:14
  not
• 9:14
  failing.
• 9:16
  You
• 9:16
  are
• 9:16
  healing
• 9:16
  while
• 9:17
  parenting,
• 9:17
  and
• 9:17
  that
• 9:18
  is
• 9:18
  hard.
• 9:19
  But
• 9:19
  every
• 9:19
  time
• 9:19
  you
• 9:19
  pause
• 9:20
  instead
• 9:20
  of
• 9:20
  react,
• 9:21
  every
• 9:21
  time
• 9:21
  you
• 9:21
  repair,
• 9:22
  every
• 9:22
  time
• 9:23
  you
• 9:23
  choose
• 9:23
  curiosity
• 9:24
  over
• 9:24
  shame,
• 9:25
  you
• 9:25
  are
• 9:25
  changing
• 9:26
  your
• 9:26
  family
• 9:26
  tree,
• 9:27
  and
• 9:27
  that
• 9:27
  matters.
• 9:28
  So
• 9:28
  until
• 9:29
  next
• 9:29
  time,
• 9:30
  take
• 9:30
  a
• 9:30
  breath,
• 9:31
  be
• 9:31
  gentle
• 9:31
  with
• 9:31
  yourself,
• 9:32
  and
• 9:32
  remember,
• 9:33
  your
• 9:33
  child
• 9:33
  isn't
• 9:34
  the
• 9:34
  trigger,
• 9:35
  your
• 9:35
  nervous
• 9:35
  system
• 9:35
  is,
• 9:36
  and
• 9:36
  that
• 9:36
  means
• 9:37
  that
• 9:37
  healing
• 9:37
  is
• 9:37
  possible.
• 9:38
  See
• 9:38
  you
• 9:39
  back
• 9:39
  next
• 9:39
  time.
• 9:39
  Love
• 9:40
  you
• 9:40
  guys.