Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Do Some Random Ass Project With Your Wife

Transcript

Do Some Random Ass Project With Your Wife · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody and welcome to the doctor psych mom show.
• 0:10
  Before we dive into today's topic, which is why doing some
• 0:13
  random ass project with your wife is going to make you
• 0:16
  happier and give you a happier marriage and certainly make her
• 0:18
  happier. Let me first tell you to
• 0:21
  subscribe, so that you can hear my most recent podcast about why
• 0:25
  your wife finds you boring, in case your day wasn't going
• 0:28
  poorly enough. And why women do not like to
• 0:33
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• 0:36
  conversations and, you know, just endless education on how to
• 0:41
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  my Tick Tock and it will make me very happy and possibly give you
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  some shorter things to watch and listen to, if the these 20
• 1:01
  minutes can't keep your attention which quite honestly
• 1:04
  We podcast really don't keep my attention as you notice.
• 1:08
  I haven't even had any more guests after the one guest that
• 1:10
  I had. Because I really listen to
• 1:13
  people talk all day and it is hard to listen to another
• 1:15
  people. Talk another person talk, but
• 1:18
  maybe one day, I'll have another guest again.
• 1:20
  In fact, I'm going to come up and be a podcast guest on
• 1:22
  something in the future called hot, happy mess.
• 1:26
  But I will give you obviously more information about that on
• 1:29
  all my social media accounts when the time comes.
• 1:33
  So today we are going to talk About why your wife likes doing
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  random ass project and there are so many reasons, but a major one
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  is that your wife likes to feel like you're on a team and to a
• 1:44
  woman you're like well I want to be on a team every night in bed.
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  Yeah. Okay.
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  But what she means is that she wants to do some stuff that
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  makes her feel like you are co-creating, a happy home and
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  family, and that really makes her feel like a team.
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  And like, she's giving her children.
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  The life that she never had one in which there are frequent
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  random-ass Checked and or if she came from a house where there
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  were loads of random ass projects than she is, you know,
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  reliving her own happy childhood.
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  So you may say what is an example of her rap random ass
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  project. Well so she likes to paint.
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  So she likes to paint the basement.
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  She likes to organize the garage, she likes to plan your
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  kid's birthday party. She likes to plan your Disney
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  trip. She anything planning is a
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  project and then she wants to redecorate reconfigure.
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  And I is renovate breakthroughs. Anything starts with Ari.
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  You know she wants to repair, she wants to do whatever the
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  hell makes her. Feel like you are kind of in
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  forward motion as a family doing things that little smallish
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  things that will overall contribute to a happier and more
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  efficiently running unit of people and you may think that
• 2:59
  you work all day. So what the hell are you going
• 3:01
  to do? All this stupid shit for well,
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  The same reason as you do any other stupid shit because you're
• 3:07
  in a relationship and you cannot be a selfish jerk in a
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  relationship and you have to try to understand what makes other
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  people happy. And frequently men are like,
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  well, my wife won't have sex with me or won't have sex with
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  me enough or whatever the case may be.
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  And therefore, I shouldn't try to make her happy.
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  Well, two wrongs don't make a right.
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  And also if you stop being such a jerk, she may have sex with
• 3:27
  you and that is going to be the title of my upcoming best
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  seller. If you stop being such a jerk,
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  she may have sex with you just That I mean maybe that is a good
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  title. But um, so if you really have
• 3:40
  been kind of a Debbie Downer and this compositional may say or
• 3:44
  Devil's Advocate, and if she said any of those things about
• 3:47
  you, then you probably have been then you will have to initiate a
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  project and then you will see how happy your wife is.
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  She will also probably drop dead of shock.
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  So if you do not kill her with shock, she will be very happy
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  and she will say, why are you saying that we should do XYZ?
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  As you and I've been saying it for years and you've never been
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  on board. Like, so let's say that you're
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  like, hey you know what, I think we should do.
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  I think that we should off finish the basement, she'd be
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  like, what are you okay? I've been talking about
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  finishing, the basement for like 10 years and you've never wanted
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  to finish the basement. You've always been like, that's
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  not going to increase our home value enough, and we don't have
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  time for that and we don't have money for that.
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  So, then you say, well, you know what?
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  I realized that you really want to finish the basement and that
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  I was just saying no to, you know, because I could only see
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  the Downsides. And you've made some good points
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  because I'm sure she's made some good points.
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  If you didn't marry an idiot, then she's made some good points
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  about it. Right?
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  She said well it would increase the home value enough and then
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  the children would have a different floor to play on and
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  then they would have someplace to do gaming and oh, you know,
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  all sorts of shit that she said. And I'm sure some of it has been
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  accurate, but you've just been coming from a place of no.
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  And the guys at this podcast is really designed to Target are,
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  of course, the oppositional ones.
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  The ones who come from a place of no.
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  No, instead of a place of yes. And you know what this is like,
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  as you grow up in a home like this.
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  So if you are this kind of guy, then it's likely that you grew
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  up in a home where you couldn't say something to your parents.
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  Like, hey guys, let's all like, you know, go fishing tomorrow or
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  like we let's all play Twister tonight or let's all do whatever
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  you couldn't say anything like that, because it was like a real
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  prescribed joyless rigid routine your parents made, very clear
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  that Life was to be endured and they tried to convey that to
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  you, whenever you got too excited about anything much like
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  in my podcast about when your kids positive emotions trigger
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  you, they would kind of bring you down to Earth by shitting
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  all over your parade. And now you kind of do that with
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  your wife and you've done it about all of her project and if
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  you had just done all of her projects, yes.
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  All of her project you would not be bankrupt and even more
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  miserable as you imagine. But you would possibly be living
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  with a much happier woman. Man who felt that the world was
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  really her oyster and then she had a partner in crime.
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  I mean, why do you think women like these fucking home shows
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  where they renovate stuff? Because everybody's always, so
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  happy and positive. And everybody just can't even.
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  Wait to see what the finished product is going to look like
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  and the man and the woman are usually happy together.
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  You know? It's like this whole thing where
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  you get to feel like being married, does not take away your
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  options because you know, men and women feel like that because
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  I mean of course that is the definition.
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  In you no longer have options in certain domains unless you have
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  an open marriage which is Rife with its own issues.
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  But you have more options because now you are a team that
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  can combine resources, whether that's time energy, and, or
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  money, and creative prowess and ability to pick shit up and do a
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  big project, physically, and you can combine all of your
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  resources to allow you to have a better life with excess two more
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  things. More opportunities.
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  So women are bored in marriage. Same as guys are bored in
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  marriage and they the men that are board, usually think that
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  it's because their sex life sucks.
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  And the women that are bored feel like it's because they are
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  living with a joyless potato, that just kind of sits around
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  and every so often makes a cutting passive-aggressive
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  remark and this does not make anybody happy.
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  So if you recognize yourself in this Dynamic obviously, by the
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  way, when your wife has to redo the basement and you're like
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  yeah, right, I don't fucking doing that.
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  I think that you're going to get laid that night or that you're
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  probably not. So it's a vicious cycle where
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  the more negative you are, then the more she thinks about you as
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  an albatross as a rebellious teenager as even a small child.
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  And then she doesn't want to really interact with you because
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  every time she interact with you you shit on something and of
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  course it's understandable. Why you do this if you were
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  raised like this. And also if over time you have
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  felt increasingly disconnected. It from any sort of Joy because
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  you don't feel like you're wife is affectionate but it's chicken
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  and egg its Chicken in it and then there's a lot of people a
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  lot of guys who are like yeah well this one time we did do a
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  renovation and it went to shit. It was totally terrible, we
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  fought about everything. Well, guess what, you fought
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  about everything is the key Point into, why it went
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  terrible. I'm not telling you to do a home
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  repair project or a project of any sort in the way that you
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  have previously been doing it. Because if you've been doing it
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  and it hasn't been working, what's the Definition of
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  insanity, right? So do it in a different way.
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  Do it with the idea of being positive and enthusiastic and
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  proactive and this is going to be a completely different way
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  than you've gone about things in the past and thus she may
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  respond to it entirely differently.
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  So if in the past you said, alright you know, we can paint
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  but we're only going to paint in this certain color and we're
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  only going to paint these certain walls, the color that
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  you want is stupid and so we are going to be doing it in.
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  Neutral. Because I feel like we're going
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  to sell the house soon and it's just stupid to paint it that
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  other color. And on top of it, we will have
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  to wait until the children are at your mother's because I don't
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  want them around. And no, they cannot do a mural
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  wall. A mural wall is stupid and
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  etcetera. Etc.
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  So you just come off like a joyless blowhard and then she's
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  not gonna like to do any project with you in the future.
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  So you're going to have to say, hey, remember the time that we
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  painted the room and it went to shit.
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  I want to have a nice experience of project, so Don't we paint
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  another room and, you know, I will do it the way that you
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  want, because think about it. Let's say you're like, you know,
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  I don't know, let's see, it 45 years old, maybe the average age
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  of my male listeners and you're like your wife finally just
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  fucking leaves. Okay.
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  Cool. Like, you know, you're gonna be
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  devastated or or maybe not and then you're asking to get back
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  on Tinder, you're certainly not going to put your age range to
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  45 plus because you're not weird, you just not.
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  So you're going to put it to a lot like to 29 plus, you know,
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  be 32 Plus as if you feel very deep and on superficial.
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  So let's say you get 32 years old and then she gets what she's
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  going to want to do. She's gonna want to do a home
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  project. And you know what you're not
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  gonna do, you're not going to be like purple's a stupid color.
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  No you're not because you're gonna have already made that
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  mistake in your previous marriage.
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  She's gonna be looking at you with her bright shiny face.
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  She was just a fetus 27 years ago, she's still so happy to be
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  alive and you're not going to want to rain on her fucking
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  parade and you're gonna paint it.
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  Apple mural or whatever the fuck she want.
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  So, since you love your carbon wife, you don't want to break up
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  your family. Why don't you just internalize
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  the man that you would be when you're getting laid by a 27 year
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  old girl off of Tinder. And you are trying very hard to
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  be flexible fun. And even a little bit younger
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  than your age just to, you know, meet her at, where she's at
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  because, you know, you have it in you and in this ideal
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  circumstance that I am describing, which would be the
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  best for your negativity to, you know, and of burrow underground
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  and for your positivity to come out in that situation, you would
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  be able to be fun. You would be able to be the guy
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  that, you know, /, you know, painted your nose purple to be
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  funny, like, in video montages of young couples in love.
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  You would be able to be that guy.
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  You would not be this joyless dipshit with the beige paint.
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  So, do I walk? Try to internalize that person
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  and bring it out with your current wife and then see if she
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  acts a little bit more like Tinder, Ella would because
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  you're I think so much more passionate and positive and fun
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  and funny. And all of the things that you
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  acted before you got this, Persona of being kind of beat
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  down by life. And so obviously this podcast
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  can apply to people Beyond. Just the idea of doing fun new
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  things in terms of projects around the house.
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  You can do fun new things in general.
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  It's a lot of people that I work with in couples counseling,
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  where the woman just thinks the guy is just like stuck to his
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  routine. And joyless act old Beyond his
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  years and the guy is always like Well yeah, if she had to support
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  the family, maybe you know she would act a little bit more
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  stressed out too, but the point is tit-for-tat does absolutely
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  nothing and the and the other point is who wants to be sort of
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  by anybody as joyless. And a buzzkill frequently people
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  who struggle with being controlling another podcast
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  topic. Which I've recently covered
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  people who struggles being controlling can also be
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  perceived as joyous Boring a routinized in these ways.
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  So the reason that women like projects besides that it pushes
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  the family forward in this new way and it's just a creative
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  outlet and some novelty is because it's supposed to be fun.
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  It actually is they really think of it as fun to spend all that
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  money they do and so you want to come in there on the ground
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  floor as understanding? It isn't about how the room
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  comes out looking, it's About whether the room ends up,
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  fulfilling your wife's expectations for a fun activity
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  and same thing with dinner out. So if you go to date night, you
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  don't just want to check that box.
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  And be like, here I am here I am.
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  I'm eating my fucking pasta. What do you want from me?
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  No, you want it to be spontaneous creative fun.
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  We're going to fund new place. We're gonna have a fun New kind
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  of conversation. You've already memorized.
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  Like two of my Hundred date night questions.
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  You're going to say something novel.
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  You're going to smile. Fucking forget to smile on date
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  night. You ever go out to dinner and
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  look around you but it looks like a wake.
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  People are looks so fucking depressed on d-die, it's no
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  wonder. We have a 50% divorce rate.
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  So the point being that all anything that your wife wants to
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  do, or if you're listening and you are the female joyless
• 13:51
  buzzkill anything your husband wants to do, it's supposed to be
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  fun. It is supposed to be fun and
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  bring you closer because you're experiencing a new positive
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  creative spontaneous sort of thing together.
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  And Or women in specific that usually more so than men think
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  about this. They also want your children to
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  observe you working together as a team doing something fun in a
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  way that perhaps her parents couldn't or with the other ones
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  and way that their parents could in that you guys have never
• 14:19
  approximated as your own, you know, couple and they really
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  want the kids to observe that life can be full of opportunity.
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  If we don't like how this room looks, who looked and be a
• 14:30
  different room and women who really like this sort of thing
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  are frequently. Ones who again either grow up
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  feeling very constricted or whose father was always just
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  painting shit. And you can refer back to my
• 14:42
  podcast about women who put their fathers on a pedestal
• 14:45
  versus their spouse and women who do the same.
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  This is not a good situation, but one way is to do then just
• 14:52
  kind of do the stuff that your spouse really idealized as in
• 14:55
  their family of origin. Hopefully, while they introspect
• 14:58
  about how bad it is for the relationship that they are
• 15:00
  idealizing their family of origin versus their marriage.
• 15:04
  But you know, Oh, that goes into the topic of the other one, the
• 15:07
  other podcast. So if you get anything from
• 15:09
  this, it is this. If your spouse wants to do
• 15:12
  something, they don't just don't want you to do it.
• 15:14
  They want it to be a fun Endeavor that brings you closer,
• 15:18
  and through, which they could experience, some sort of
• 15:21
  creative fulfillment, some sort of Team feeling some sort of,
• 15:26
  you know, spontaneous joy and and anything that just kind of
• 15:32
  breaks up the banality of Of day-to-day life just as you wish
• 15:37
  that probably, she would do that in the bedroom.
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  She wishes you would do it in every other Arena makes up the
• 15:44
  bedroom but it, she will get to the bedroom at some point.
• 15:47
  Honestly, it's a lot easier to be fun sexy and spontaneous with
• 15:51
  a guy who acts fun sexy and spontaneous.
• 15:53
  Then a guy who acts - and passive and exhausted.
• 15:57
  And if you if you really are like, I literally could not even
• 16:00
  imagine the energy necessary to get up and paint a room.
• 16:04
  Then it is likely that you have bigger fish to fry because if
• 16:08
  you are in this age group, you should be able to think about
• 16:10
  also painting a room. If you're not, then you may be
• 16:14
  struggling with depression, be maybe very, very, you know,
• 16:18
  Tapped Out by your life in general and unhappy, which is
• 16:22
  another way of saying depressed, but situationally and it should
• 16:27
  be possible for the average couple to, to do a little
• 16:31
  project together at times, if it feels completely.
• 16:34
  Beyond your kin. Then you would need to
• 16:36
  re-examine how your day to day. Life is structured and your
• 16:40
  priority, so a man that works 90 hours a week, certainly isn't
• 16:43
  going to be painting a room, but also those men frequently have
• 16:46
  women that are very, very unhappy with them because they
• 16:49
  never ever see that. So it is, it is a good.
• 16:52
  It's a good impetus to examine your day-to-day life, priorities
• 16:57
  and values. If you're like, I could never
• 16:59
  have the time to do this. Not a do it in a positive way.
• 17:03
  Not a negative way. I just Not have time to do it
• 17:05
  because all I have time to do is work childcare sleep.
• 17:08
  So, if that is your life, it does feel pretty joyless.
• 17:11
  I'm sure and then this could be a wake-up call to interrogate
• 17:14
  that. All right.
• 17:15
  So hopefully you guys enjoyed this podcast.
• 17:17
  Please do follow me on Tick, Tock, and everywhere else, and
• 17:20
  I'll talk to you all soon.