Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Compliment Rationing And Its Consequences

Transcript

Compliment Rationing And Its Consequences · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
0:07
Psych mom, show today, I'm going to talk about what I'm calling
0:11
complement rationing. When there are only enough
0:14
compliments to go around and they're very meager and the
0:18
portions are very small of compliment because you tend to
0:23
think as a man that it is going to come off stupid, or
0:28
over-the-top, or corny, or meaningless.
0:32
If you compliment your wife too much, And this is stupid and
0:37
we're going to talk about why just as soon as I tell you to
0:41
subscribe because I have some other great episodes upcoming.
0:45
I just had one about why to stop telling your wife to get a hobby
0:49
and why that's all so stupid. And subtext of this is I helped
0:55
you to do less stupid things. So because I help you do that,
0:59
you should subscribe because if you listen to this podcast,
1:03
there are so many things. That you'll learn that you're
1:06
doing as a man and often as a woman, I talked about both
1:10
sides. Although as I've said recently
1:12
it's become more like I feel that the men listen to the
1:15
podcasts more than the women do. Because the podcasts are half
1:18
and half and the blog posts are more women.
1:22
So I feel like men just like the podcast theme better so to help
1:26
women and to help man. I hope men with these podcasts,
1:30
by telling them about how to do less stupid stuff and this stuff
1:34
isn't Stuff, you would guess his stupid.
1:36
They're very smart, guys. Making these tactical errors.
1:40
And I don't, yeah, I'm not doing it.
1:42
Like, oh, here's how to manipulate your wife into blah,
1:45
blah, blah. No, like, here's how to be a
1:47
better partner. Here's how there is this.
1:50
Cognitive way that you have been conceiving of things that isn't
1:55
getting you closer, and that is most men's goal.
1:59
It is not just to get laid. If I haven't hammered that point
2:03
home a million times guys. Do not just want to get laid,
2:06
they want to be close to their wives.
2:08
If they just wanted to get laid would be a, fucking roundabout
2:10
crazy, as way to do it with the mortgage, the kids, the job, the
2:15
talking to her parents, all the shit, you know.
2:17
Like, they don't just want to get laid if they wanted to get
2:19
laid. There's something called a
2:20
prostitute. So, you know and I of course
2:24
have a podcast entitled like, why?
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It's like so fucking ridiculous and inane within marriage to say
2:31
to a man you're just doing this to get late because It literally
2:35
crazy if you think about it. But anyway, getting back to the
2:40
topic at hand, a subscribe be, let's launch into what we're
2:43
talking about, which is this. So there are a lot of guys who
2:48
are really uncomfortable with vulnerability and because of
2:51
this and you know, what this means is they're uncomfortable
2:54
with vulnerable feelings saying any softer feelings?
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Like, I'm scared, I'm insecure. I'm sad, instead, they say
3:04
things like I'm a Angry or, I mean, that's pretty much it.
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That's the bad one. I'm angry.
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Or I'm frustrated, which just means I'm angry, or I'm
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irritated, you know, saying and they don't really say anything
3:19
like, I feel insecure, I feel anxious.
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I feel scared. I feel tender towards you.
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I feel loving. Really don't see much of it.
3:29
So they've been trained by their, you know, Society in
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general and their parents. Probably, especially that men
3:36
don't show weakness and that, if you show somebody weakness that
3:39
they are going to somehow get one over on you.
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And there could be many reasons for this, which I outlay in the
3:45
men who don't trust podcast, which was subscriber podcast.
3:49
But generally what ends up happening to these guys who
3:53
really don't trust, if they don't like to be feel like
3:56
they're one down in the interaction so they don't like
3:58
to make the other person feel that they are the you know, the
4:04
The superior and so they don't like to give somebody more
4:08
positive feedback than they're getting and really they don't
4:11
like to give anybody really positive feedback at all because
4:15
it makes the other person realize how into them the guy
4:18
is. So they make because they're so
4:22
uncomfortable in this way which they don't articulate.
4:24
They may not be aware of but it probably rings the bell of this
4:27
as you probably resonates with you because they don't like to
4:32
do that. They have all these other
4:33
different Generalizations for why they kind of withhold and
4:38
ration as I'm saying compliments.
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So these are guys who are like, oh, if you say it too much, it
4:44
doesn't mean anything to which I rejoinder like oh, so if she has
4:49
sex with you every day, you're not happy you be happier.
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Wouldn't you just like she'd be happier if you said you look
4:56
beautiful every day, not every tenth day so or less you know.
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So these guys say things like oh it Would it be meaningful enough
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or that's cheesy or people don't really talk like that in real
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life? That's only TV or like if she
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wants all that you know, gushy stuff, she always knew, I wasn't
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like that. Anyway, I wish then you know,
5:19
she picked the wrong guy. Haha, you know, it's not ha ha.
5:23
So while it may be true that you were never mr.
5:26
Romantic, you probably were more romantic in the cording stage
5:30
because your adrenaline was pumping your hormones were
5:32
racing. You felt Immortal in the stages
5:36
of new relationship energy or infatuation or limerence.
5:40
And so, you did get outside your comfort zone.
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You were slightly more comfortable with vulnerability.
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So at this time, you first of all, probably did get more
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compliments that you just don't remember, you probably look back
5:50
through your email, you'd be surprised that you used to give
5:53
more compliments and be more mushy.
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But either way like you, you're telling yourself that you are
6:02
acting in a way that Hurts your wife because somehow it wouldn't
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actually be what she wants for you to do what she says.
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She wants. That's crazy, right?
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Like you don't want her to Gaslight you like that.
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You don't want her to say you. Do you say you want more blow
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jobs, but if I gave you more blow jobs, man, you would get
6:23
sick of them so quick, like is silly, right?
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Silly to say it and if your wife tried to pull that head game, no
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pun intended, you would be mad as shit.
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You would be like that is fucking lie.
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If you Want to do it just say you don't want to do it but
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don't fuck with me. And tell me that I wouldn't like
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something that I'm telling you with my mouth that I would like,
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right? So you could see how upsetting
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that would be for her to invalidate, your experience like
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that, and tell you that, what you want, isn't what you want.
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Now you're doing the same thing, though.
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If you are a guy, whose wife says that, she loves words of
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affirmation, which means all the mushy gushy stuff.
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I love you. You're so beautiful.
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You're the best wife. You You are.
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I love that. You're the mother of my
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children. You look gorgeous today.
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You have a great smile. I love to look into your eyes,
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whatever the case may be, you can Google some shit, you know,
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nice stuff to say to your wife, I have things like that on my,
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on my blog. But anyway or concrete guide to
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be more romantic, I have a podcast on that.
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But the point is, if she's probably said to you by now that
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she wants you to say more stuff, that is nice.
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Nice things. I want you to say more nice
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things I want you. Tell me, you love me.
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I love that stuff. Oh, you said.
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And when used to do say, I love you.
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By the way, she gets really happy.
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Or when you say, you look beautiful.
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She probably gets really happy. So, let's just put to rest the
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mythology that you don't truly deeply in your heart know that
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she really wants this the same as your wife, probably knows,
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when you say that you want, blowjobs that you want blowjobs?
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But in the case that you say it, many men don't.
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And in that case, your wife does not know despite what you may
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think women do not peruse. Porn with the evidence of men.
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So they really do not know by the way that like what you
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really want is like blowjob or anal or whatever the fuck, they
8:12
don't know, unless you've told her.
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But if you've told her then for her to say, she doesn't know is
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some bullshit and it's the same thing.
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So your wife if she's never told you anything like this, I mean
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go back. Think is the happiest moment
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that I've ever seen her when I say nice things to her well
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then, you know, you might want to be logical and say, yes,
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she's a words of affirmation person, but really, there's very
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few Modern-day women that don't know their love language and say
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it like every 36 hours on the hour.
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And so, if your wife has said, hers is words of affirmation or
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if she has literally told you that she wants you to be more
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romantic and she wants you to say nicer things or she looks so
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happy when you do and or all of the above you're not doing it,
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not because it wouldn't be meaningful, you're not too
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because it makes you uncomfortable.
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So, at least be honest with yourself, it's not within your
9:00
comfort zone, it makes you feel vulnerable and makes you feel
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like you're putting Yourself out there potentially more than she
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is, that you are showing your cards that you are in some way
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acting like a simp as they say, now, or pussy-whipped as they
9:14
used to say. And that you are going to lose
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this woman's interest or looser entirely because you have shown
9:22
yourself to be. So kind of pathetic.
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This is all shit. That you learned from your
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childhood. You probably scan made fun of a
9:30
lot at and or you were taught to have no emotions at all either.
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Way you learn not to be vulnerable and not to be
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genuine. And if you learn this, it's very
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hard to relearn it just because your wife loves it but you need
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to because you want her to learn, relearn a new, learn new
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things like, you know, the sex stuff that you like and whatever
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else. Because you like it and because
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it makes you feel good, right? Isn't that what we do in
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marriage is we try to get outside our comfort zone, and we
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try to understand the other person's internal experience,
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that's the point of the fucking love language, test that He's
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made you take at gunpoint pretty much.
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So what you need to think about is why you're still not doing
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it. If, you know really on a deep
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visceral level that she likes it.
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And the answer is always because it makes you feel weird and
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outside your comfort zone and vulnerable to attack.
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This is when therapy can come in or profound introspection.
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But you know, I mean, therapy can really really expedite that
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profound introspection thing and you got to go back to the old.
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June of when you learn that it makes a man pathetic to be
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expressive. I have a podcast called yes
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women like emotional men and the whole thing is summarized in the
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title but you can go back for details and women like anyone
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like you know like you like to feel like they are connecting
10:54
with a human being and that that other human being sees and
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appreciates them. You are way to feel like this is
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likely. If you're a man in bed, her away
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is likely through Words her may make more way may be in bed too
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but she's going to go to bed with you a lot less if she's
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somebody who also has a love language of words of affirmation
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that is never ever being addressed or so rarely because
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you are Doling out compliments, like Scrooge and you are making
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these crazy head game type of remarks about how it doesn't
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really mean anything. If I give you flowers on
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Valentine's Day, it doesn't really mean anything.
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If I say that this is a good one, this is some crazy shit.
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If you do this one, stop immediately.
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I've heard about men who don't say the woman looks good when
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she dresses up. Only when she doesn't dress up,
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is this some crazy whacked-out shit like this is such a head
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game for women. It's such a mindfuck, so they're
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trying to look good. This is when they're coming down
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there. Looking at you, they're waiting
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for you to hopefully approve of how they look.
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And the man doesn't say it instead.
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He only says that, she looks good when she's like in a
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T-shirt and sweat that night. You know what at night is?
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And I just before you can have sex and then he says, no, no,
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it's not just cuz we could have sex now is why I'm giving you a
12:11
compliment it's because I like, who you look more natural,
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there's so many levels of bullshit that go on in this, but
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usually it is it points to a level of a deep lack of lack of
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empathy in the man and even possibly some real deep
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narcissistic traits because he knows she wants him to say she
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looks good when she dresses up but Refuses to do it so it can
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either speak to deep childhood wounds where this person never
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ever ever got their needs met or a narcissistic style where they
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are so self-absorbed, that they actually really do like the
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T-shirt and jeans better for whatever.
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Maybe they don't like the woman Style with clothes or something,
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maybe they think she looks fat when she dresses up or she
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doesn't look as fat when she doesn't whatever the case may
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be. That guy is evidencing a
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complete cruelty, really by refusing.
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To give her the affirmation that she needs in this time where she
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feels very vulnerable, such as getting dressed up to go out and
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like really wanting to make a good impression that's when he
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specifically doesn't give her the reinforcement.
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So if you're in some kind of whacked-out dynamic like that,
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then go to couples counseling. Because that shit is not good
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and it doesn't ever get better and those, and that can really
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cause an empathic rupture when you dress up specifically, to
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make your partner, think that you look good and they Used to
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give you that information. It would be like if you said to
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a woman in bed, oh do you like this and like a playful way?
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And she's like like what? No, I don't, you know, anything
13:47
about it. Like I mean you would just like
13:49
curl up and die or at least your penis would.
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So it's like there are some moments where you're just
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supposed to be enthusiastic or at least not like you know
13:58
withholding and if you can't get through those moments, then
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there's something going on wrong with couple dynamic.
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Eric. So the point is, do the thing.
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That makes your wife feel good, if she loves words of
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affirmation, give them to her and deeply think about why it
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makes you feel so exposed and pathetic to do it and tricked or
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kind of like, you know, like in this situation where we're guys
14:26
always feel manipulated by women wear like some of those guys in
14:30
that Dynamic. I just talked about where the
14:31
guys refused to come. Wonder Woman it's because they
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feel manipulated. They feel manipulated like, oh,
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she knows she looks good. So then I'm not going to say it
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because she knows it and she just trying to manipulate me to
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make me say it. Now people who think like that,
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usually had bad experiences again as a child where
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everything at home with some bullshit hoop to jump through
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and people are manipulating each other and that really lends
14:55
itself to a very paranoid style of Engagement with an intimate
14:58
relationships, that sabotages any chance of genuine connection
15:03
because you're always, Is looking out from behind your
15:06
hiding place like spy versus spy and not letting the other person
15:10
get one over on you. So if that relates to how you
15:15
view life, then it's important to a listen to my men who don't
15:19
trust podcasts and be to get the fuck in to therapy.
15:22
You only have one life. You want to live it like this?
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No, you don't. So anyway, if you ration out
15:30
little drips and drabs of compliments and you realizing
15:34
Listening to this podcast that you do this or that you just do
15:37
it about half as much as you would like or a quarter as much
15:39
as you would. Like why don't you try?
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Just do it all the time? Just every day.
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Say you look beautiful today. Say you look great.
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I love that outfit. I love that skirt.
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You look so hot all the time. Why don't you just say it?
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I love you. I love you so much.
15:53
You're such a great wife. You're such a great partner.
15:55
You're such a great mom. You're so creative.
15:58
You're so smart. That was really funny.
16:00
That's a great dinner. Why don't you say like 23?
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Elements every day. If you're somebody who's never
16:07
done it before, your wife will think that you got a wonderful,
16:11
you know, lobotomy / perhaps an epiphany from God and she will
16:17
be very, very happy. And if she says to you and I
16:19
always say, don't lie, if she says to you why you acting so
16:22
different. Are you dying?
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You say, no, I'm not. I am trying to be a better
16:27
husband. I realize, I'm real weird about
16:29
compliments. I was thinking about why I don't
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think my parents complimented me more than one time that I could
16:34
remember. From the time from birth until
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18. So maybe that has something to
16:38
do with it. Or maybe it's because I used to
16:40
say, I love you, I love you, I love you.
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You know, to my ex-wife and you remember what she did?
16:46
She run away with my brother or whatever you know whenever
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you've got to the heart of the matter, after your own personal
16:52
introspection, / therapy come to her and say, hey guess, what I
16:56
realized why I was being withholding in this way and not
16:58
going to ration, compliments anymore.
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I really love you. I really do think you're great.
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So I'm going to say more of it. And yes, of course I didn't get
17:05
this idea from the Clear Blue Sky.
17:08
I am attempting to work on our marriage, which no woman ever is
17:12
like, oh well, that suck like what she gonna say like why is
17:17
that bad people always like, what do I say?
17:19
What do I say? Like they're going to be called
17:21
out on having listened to like a podcast on how to improve your
17:25
marriage, like women wouldn't like that.
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What woman wouldn't like that? We love that shit.
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Like that's like crap, that's like female crack.
17:33
That's better than In the fucking love language.
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Test is just literally saying to your wife, on my own, I myself
17:40
on purpose, listen to a podcast, you second-best.
17:44
By the way, if you're sent this by your wife is to listen to the
17:48
shit that she sends you. Wow, what a layup.
17:50
But so many men don't do it. You know, if you're like, my
17:53
husband doesn't listen to this shit.
17:54
You are not alone. And as I've said, stop
17:57
bombarding him with it, maybe just say it.
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So, if you're the woman listening to it, say to him.
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You know, you don't compliment me enough.
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Cough, a lot of women can't get the balls to say it.
18:06
Some women can say the words of affirmation thing, many women
18:10
can say, you're not romantic enough, but they don't say
18:13
explicitly. You don't compliment me enough
18:17
for me to feel good, and positive and confident.
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I would like if you would compliment me more because they
18:23
feel this thing. Like if you got to ask for it,
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it doesn't count. That's not true.
18:26
That's not true. That whole thing isn't true.
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I should probably do a podcast on that if you have to ask for
18:31
it, of course, it still counts. If Teach your child to do
18:35
something. Doesn't that count?
18:37
If you teach them to say, please?
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And thank you, doesn't that count?
18:40
Of course it counts. I talked about this actually
18:42
already in the podcast about like why you should tell your
18:45
kids to celebrate your birthday. If your kid forgets.
18:48
Birthday. Mother's Day, Father's Day.
18:49
Of course, you tell them to do it.
18:51
Of course, it still count their learning.
18:54
And so of course, your beleaguered spouse with his
18:57
shitty upbringing, has to learn to give compliments.
19:00
It makes sense. You've met his parents, so give
19:03
him the gift of tongues. Telling him directly what you
19:05
need and then seeing if he can do it, all right?
19:08
Well, I hope you guys got something out of this and I will
19:11
talk to everybody soon. Please do subscribe.