Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Understand Your Husband Better In 17 Minutes

Transcript

Understand Your Husband Better In 17 Minutes · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
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  Today we are going to be talking about ways that you can
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  understand your husband better. I have talked a lot.
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  A lot about. How to understand your wife
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  better. That's like a large portion of
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  this podcast and a lot of things that guys write in thanking me
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  about, you know, helping them understand that their wife, for
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  example, has lower libido and monogamy, or how hormones impact
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  her or why she wants them to do the damn home projects all the
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  time. How much she thinks about the
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  kids. I mean, it goes on and on,
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  right? So, so many of the titles are
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  why your wife blah, blah, blah, right?
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  So today I'll just give you the con.
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  Converse. Kind of.
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  Just some touch points for how to better understand your
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  husband. A lens through which you can
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  view your husband that will make more sense.
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  And before we do that, please do subscribe.
• 0:59
  My most recent subscriber episode after the Hand Jobs one
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  was one on when working partners grow apart from stay at home
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  partners. Something that I see a lot in my
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  practice. Okay, so, so moving on.
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  The way to best understand your husband is like, OK, so men are
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  way, way more physical. Everything is mediated by
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  testosterone. If you're a woman who's ever
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  tried testosterone, if you see a functional medicine doctor, a
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  lot of times they try to give you testosterone, not just for
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  sex drive but for depression. So I have tried it myself.
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  Yeah, of course it it impacts sex drive.
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  So, I mean, if you're somebody who's doctor will prescribe that
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  it definitely makes you feel like you want to have more sex.
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  But you know, there's also downsides, but God.
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  Because, you know, makes you like a teenage boy.
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  So a lot of women feel a lot more irritable, a lot more
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  easily angered, have to sleep more, eat more.
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  You know, there's like weight gain and bloat you could break
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  out. But listen, it's a cost benefit
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  analysis. I'm not an MD, but when people
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  prescribe hormones for both men and women, obviously
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  testosterone is important. Not just for men.
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  As you know from listening to me, testosterone peaks in both
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  genders at 6:00 AM. Testosterone is a big driver of
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  sex drive. So when you have none, which so
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  many of us women have like 0 and like the, you know, pretty much
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  zero. When they they do a blood test,
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  then often at least an integrative or a functional
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  medicine doctor will prescribe testosterone cream.
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  Or for some women, testosterone pellets.
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  And so and and anyway, my point is.
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  Going on this for the limited time that I did it years ago
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  already, it was a big eye opener.
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  Because The thing is, is if you have a lot of testosterone, you
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  don't feel fear the same way things are not very.
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  Anxiety producing. You know, like, like if you're a
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  woman, you get home from a long day, you're like, Oh my God, I
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  got to do this. I got to do this, I got to do
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  this. All those things take like 5-10
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  minutes, but there's like a whole bunch of them.
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  And like, it feels overwhelming. It feels stressful, you know,
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  Like it just, it feels like so much stuff, very burdensome.
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  And you know, This is why women want guys to, like, split the
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  emotional load or whatever. Like, I talk about this.
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  In terms of, this is particularly hard for depressed
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  women, and women have higher rates of depression who have
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  decision fatigue, you know, because that's part of
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  depression. You can't make any decisions.
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  Making a decision on what to eat for dinner feels overwhelming.
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  Well, not so if you have testosterone, you know, I mean,
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  it really doesn't. So if you're a guy and of
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  course, you know, yeah, plenty of guys.
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  Get into these ridiculous discussions with their wives
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  that I've talked about on podcasts about what should we
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  have for dinner. But that's not because they
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  can't choose. Usually it's because the woman
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  shoots down all the ideas. In fact, the podcast is called
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  When Your Wife Starts Shooting Down your you shoots down all
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  your dinner ideas. Men don't usually have this the
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  same way. They make decisions.
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  Oh well, you know, like I'll eat this or I'll eat this.
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  It isn't fraught. It doesn't feel like a source of
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  anxiety. It doesn't feel burdensome.
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  When you're a man, you come home, you got a lot of things to
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  do, like 5-10 minute chores each.
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  You just do them, you know? You don't feel that level of
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  kind of like fear and overwhel. Some men do, and ironically,
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  sometimes when they do, they end up having low T Depressed men
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  often have low T when they get it tested.
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  Low testosterone. So because testosterone makes
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  you feel No Fear, that's why young boys have like a fuckload
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  of testosterone, do stupid shit and like race their cars on the
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  highway because they don't have the appropriate amount of fear.
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  So what you have to understand about your husband is he doesn't
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  really have this fear about little things being overwhelming
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  and burdensome, and he doesn't get stressed out by a whole
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  bunch of little things, so. That's why when you come home
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  from a long day, the last thing that you do is want to have sex.
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  Because you're thinking about all these different little
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  things that you have to do. And you have to do this, you
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  have to do this, you have to do this.
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  He doesn't think like that. He that does not stress him out
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  at all. You know all of these various
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  things that you have to do around the house.
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  Now, if your husband is smart and you have a good marriage and
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  he feels loved by you, you could just tell him to do all those
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  little things and he'll probably do them, you know, and then
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  you'll feel a lot better. But what a lot of women don't
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  understand is he does not, nor should he feel that those things
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  are important. So, like, that's what this
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  emotional labor rhetoric gets kind of stupid because he
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  doesn't. Feel that those things are
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  important. He doesn't.
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  You know, it would be like your child saying that you're not
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  splitting the emotional labor of a game of pretend play because
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  you're not as invested in the characters.
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  You don't think about them when you're going to sleep, about how
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  you're going to play Princess better tomorrow.
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  You know, because you don't think like that because you're a
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  grown up. So he's a man, not a woman.
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  He doesn't think about the various little things that go
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  into the home, nor nor should he, because he wouldn't do them.
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  If he were alone in the home now, this doesn't count.
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  Like, guys who have ADHD or or like are just kind of assholes
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  and are like, yeah, no, we could live in complete filth.
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  There's like big hair balls on the floor near where the baby's,
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  you know, crawling. And our counters literally have
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  bugs on them and like, there's no food.
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  But fuck it. No, we're not talking about like
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  a lunatic, right? We're talking about a guy who's
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  like, no, we do not need three different brands of crackers.
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  You know, to serve our friends when they come over.
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  We don't need that. I wouldn't have that.
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  You know, now he's, he's a Dick. If he says no, we don't need
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  that. Fuck you, you know.
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  Sure, sure, then he's an asshole.
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  But if you expect, if you're saying I'm doing the emotional
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  labor of saying that we need three brands of crackers, then
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  you're crackers. Because you know, because that's
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  just crazy, Because he doesn't think you need it.
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  Why should he be thinking about it?
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  Because it doesn't matter, You know, to him, it doesn't matter
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  to you. It matters to you, makes you
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  anxious to think about. About putting out a sleeve of
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  Ritz crackers and cheese to him. It doesn't, so how the hell
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  should he like it doesn't make any sense.
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  It's as stupid as your daughter coming in and saying, did you
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  dream about playing Elsa and Anna today?
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  No. Well then you're not as
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  committed to this mother daughter relationship as I am.
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  No, it's just like not real. So the basically all this is to
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  say. Understand the role that
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  testosterone has to play a very basic hormone, the one that
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  makes your husband the man you know.
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  Pretty much in large part this means that thank God he doesn't
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  care about certain things, because if there's a home
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  intruder he that that stuff mobilizes and he's supposed to
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  go downstairs and try to beat them with like, you know, a
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  baseball bat while you're scared.
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  Yes, of course. If he was on work travel, then
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  you would have Mama Bear energy and would defend your children.
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  I understand that. But, you know, if he's around,
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  would be better for him to go down with less fear than you,
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  right? I mean, nobody's really running
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  in that situation to go do that. Hopefully he's running quicker
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  than you are. It's like my burning building
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  analogy. Men go back into a burning
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  building to save their wives, but women don't go back into a
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  burning building to save their husbands.
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  Women have more risk aversion because they're supposed to keep
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  very small children safe. They're supposed to worry about
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  shit. They're supposed to be looking
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  and seeing, Is the baby going to put that in his mouth?
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  You know? So with that's why postpartum
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  anxiety, it's like an extreme version of something that's very
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  adaptive. It's adaptive to worry about if
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  your baby is safe. It's not adaptive to worry about
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  that to the point that you won't take your baby outside, right?
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  But you know, I write a lot about anxiety, etcetera.
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  But generally it's evolutionarily normal for a
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  woman to have more anxiety because she has to be caring
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  about the well-being of the baby in a very different way and also
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  her own well-being when pregnant.
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  So my point is this, if you want to understand your husband to
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  understand the role of testosterone, he has less fear
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  and he has a higher sex drive. Small shit doesn't matter to
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  him. Sex matters to him a lot.
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  Touch matters to him a lot. He doesn't get overwhelmed to
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  the point that he doesn't want sex like you do.
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  Some women actually think that this is like a moral referendum
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  on their husband. They're like, how could he still
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  want sex when our daughter just had a very bad day at camp and
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  I'm trying to think about whether she should stay at this
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  camp or not. Because, like, literally, would
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  you want to marry that guy? Like, I wouldn't.
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  You know what I mean? Like, for real?
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  Like, because, I mean, you think you would until think about the
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  other shit that goes along with that, right?
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  If that floors him right, like if your daughter having a bad
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  day at camp, floors him so utterly, is this somebody who's
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  like, can it be a strong, you know, comforting presence?
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  Is this like an adult who can act as a container for a child's
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  emotion? Like you may get sucked into it?
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  Women get sucked into the child's drama.
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  I deal with this all the time. I have so many sessions with
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  women about their daughter's friend group.
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  You know what are some words that a man has never yet
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  mentioned to me in session? Maybe somebody will do it to
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  troll me. Now, one of my clients that's
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  listening, I've never heard a man say friend group never in
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  session. I do not have.
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  Sometimes I say it like if somebody's talking about like
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  some really wack shit that happened with their kid, because
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  men will do that. If some real bad shit went down,
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  then they will talk about their kid.
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  And I'll say something like, Oh well, how's his friend group?
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  And then they know what I'm talking about.
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  They're on Earth, you know. But I've never had a man come in
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  because. Just really upset about his, his
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  kid not fitting into a friend group.
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  Yeah, women come in like this, but do we need two parents like
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  this? I mean, then it's too much, you
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  know, Then the child has really become kind of the center of the
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  universe in a way that I discuss constantly is not good for the
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  child. So generally, especially when
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  women are younger and they like their husbands more, they have
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  not yet hit perimenopause or anything.
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  They tend to like the fact that he has some sort of strength.
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  Of character and that he can like not get.
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  You know that his mood doesn't move back and forth with the
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  wind. Women's mood moves constantly
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  with the menstrual cycle as I've talked about men's doesn't.
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  They don't menstruate like I did this Facebook whatever, real or
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  video or something. Somebody asked in my Facebook
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  group which you should all join. It's only 499 a month and people
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  say it's the best money they ever spent.
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  But some woman said, how do you get a man really besotted with
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  you? So I made a video and I said,
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  you can find a man who's really besotted with you easily because
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  men's hormones don't change, They stay the same that, yeah,
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  of course, like if you don't have the same level of
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  testosterone when you're, you know, 80, you know, unless
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  you're like Logan Roy on succession, right.
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  But you know, you don't have that like.
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  When you're 40 or 20, whatever. But men tend to have the same
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  levels of hormones throughout the month and over the years.
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  So if they're in love with you and super attracted to at the
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  beginning is kind of going to stay like that overtime, sure,
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  there's novelty response and everything that goes away, but
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  you know, you should be able to do that.
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  Whereas you cannot get a woman who's besotted with you the same
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  as when she's ovulating is when she's menstruating.
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  That's just like not real. That doesn't happen.
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  So that's that's how people are. But anyway, so the point is, to
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  understand your husband, you got to understand the role of
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  testosterone. You got to understand that for
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  better or for worse, he's going to be less anxious.
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  He's going to be less overwhelmed by small things.
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  He's going to care less about certain decisions, although he
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  should certainly be nice. If you want three kind of
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  crackers, he should run out and get three kind of crackers
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  because you are anxious about it.
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  But if you're expecting, then him.
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  If you're expecting him, then to.
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  Listen to you kind of get upset constantly about what he did and
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  himself. Think about three types of
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  crackers and that this means that he's not as committed to
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  this relationship as you are because you're doing all the
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  emotional labor. Then you obviously have not
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  understood kind of gender differences and what is
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  normative, and you're setting him up to fail.
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  And you're setting yourself up to fail because you're setting
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  yourself up for a very unhappy marriage.
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  And sex drive is a huge driver. So if you if you have a high
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  level of testosterone, you're not having sex.
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  You feel like hungry all the time.
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  So you know most women get very upset when they're hungry or are
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  very easily, you know, made your your your mood is all fucked
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  when you're hungry. So that's what guys feel, you
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  know if you have a high sex drive all the time, you're not
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  having sex, then you feel like hungry all the time.
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  Just because you're hungry all the time, do you have to eat all
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  the time? No.
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  If it's your kids, parent, teacher, conference and you're
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  hungry, are you going to take out a hamburger, start eating in
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  the middle of it? No, you're certainly not.
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  So there's a time and a place for everything.
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  I'm certainly not saying that men are so ruled by their
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  testosterone that you must appease that beast, you know,
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  multiple times a day. No, certainly not.
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  But what I'm saying, you're trying to understand your
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  husband better. So if you understand him better,
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  then that leads to a better relationship.
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  That's perspective taking that to empathy.
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  So if you are a man of normal levels of testosterone, man, you
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  can have a high sex drive, and the more sex you have, the
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  happier you're going to be. Just like if you have a high
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  appetite for food, the more you eat, the happier you're going to
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  be. That's just how it is.
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  If you're always eat a little too little, you're always going
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  to be kind of in a shitty mood, you know, that's the people know
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  this for their kids, they know it for themselves.
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  And then they don't make the analogy over to what this other
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  physical need is for the husband because.
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  Certainly, certainly you could eat less.
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  Or you could only eat crackers. You know you would live if you
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  only ate your three types of crackers from the previous
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  hypothetical. But you wouldn't be happy,
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  right? You wouldn't actually be happy
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  with your life. So because people say, well, you
• 15:09
  need food to live. So it's not like a good analogy,
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  you know, I have this in the podcast, Is sex and eat or a
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  wand? And I talk about this a lot.
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  Like, listen, going to the gym or going to, you know, fucking
• 15:20
  read a book is not a need either, but people act like it
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  is. Whatever.
• 15:23
  But point is though, you should make this analogy.
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  It's like if you are in a sexless marriage, it's like
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  living on bread and water. Can you do it?
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  Yes. Are you healthy and happy now?
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  So it's like living on the crackers, but only one type of
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  cracker. And so that's what it would be.
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  I'm particularly for a high sex drive person, which is, you
• 15:45
  know, any sort of male with a normal level libido.
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  Then then it's like living on bread and water.
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  And so then he's going to be a Dick.
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  You know, if he's not in a in a happy place sexually or
• 15:56
  physically in the marriage. And as he gets older, he doesn't
• 15:59
  need to have sex as much. But touch is still a big deal
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  because remember, he's never too stressed out to be touched.
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  If he is. And there are massive issues
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  with depression, anxiety, sexual repression, low T or what
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  whatever else, Well, anyway, I hope that this was an
• 16:14
  interesting thought. Experiment for you is to think
• 16:18
  about, just hormonally, how different your husband is in
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  these two major ways, both mediated by testosterone, not
• 16:27
  sweating. The small stuff usually.
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  And that's not a meant to fuck with you, that's just literally
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  not caring. The way you don't care if you're
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  on or Elsa in the pretend play, and also the the sex drive as
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  analogous to hunger. And that is what it feels like,
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  you know? And, and that's what it feels
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  like, by the way, when women are ovulating too.
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  Like if if a woman, a younger woman, especially a woman in the
• 16:53
  honeymoon stage, just any honeymoon stage woman or any
• 16:56
  ovulating woman or any woman that has a high libido also gets
• 17:00
  mad, you know, and irritable if they don't have sex when they
• 17:03
  want to have sex. You know, but that's not that.
• 17:06
  That's not by most men, honestly to be kind of exciting.
• 17:08
  That's cool. Oh man, she wants to have sex
• 17:10
  with me that much that she would actually care if we don't.
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  Wow, you know, but, but, but of course, and this is obvious, if
• 17:20
  a male acts aggressive and angry about not having sex and that's
• 17:23
  going to be world's biggest turnoff and also like very
• 17:27
  danger, you know, it's like a danger alarm bell for most
• 17:31
  women. So yes, 1000% of man should not
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  get angry and aggressive when you're not having sex with him.
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  But is he going to be happy? No, of course not going to be
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  happy to be at a low sex or no sex marriage like well because
• 17:44
  he's not crazy so he's therefore he's not going to be happy to do
• 17:47
  that. OK, hope this was useful and
• 17:50
  I'll talk to y'all soon. Bye bye.