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Why No Contact Pulls Avoidants Back EVERY Time · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  Why do avoidance come back after they've distanced themselves or
• 0:11
  broken up with you? Well, most people think it's
• 0:14
  because they miss you or because they suddenly realize your
• 0:18
  value. And while that can be partly
• 0:20
  true, the real reason is actually much deeper.
• 0:24
  And once you understand it, you'll see why no contact plus
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  one other thing is the most powerful strategy you can use
• 0:33
  with an avoidant. So stay tuned and you'll find
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  out what that is. Hi, this is Lucia with the art
• 0:39
  of love. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
• 0:44
  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
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  contact army. Have you been a good little
• 0:49
  soldier and stating no contact? Well if you haven't been a good
• 0:53
  soldier then be sure to download my app Silencio if you haven't
• 0:58
  already to help you stay in no contact.
• 1:00
  And the link to that is underneath every single video
• 1:02
  and podcast. And if you too would like to
• 1:05
  join our army, all you have to do is hit the subscribe button
• 1:07
  and the bell notification and you're in.
• 1:09
  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 1:14
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 1:17
  OK, so let's start with what most people believe, which is
• 1:20
  that avoidance come back because they miss the familiarity.
• 1:25
  They realized they had more freedom with you than they
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  thought, or they finally grew up and figured out what they lost.
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  Ensure those things can play a role.
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  But if that's all it was, then you'd see a lot more excess
• 1:39
  coming back a lot sooner. And if you know anything about
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  avoidance, it's that they don't operate the way that most people
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  think. An avoidant, whether they're
• 1:49
  dismissive or fearful, values space and independence above
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  almost everything else. When they feel you getting too
• 1:58
  close, too dependent, or too anxious, their instinct is to
• 2:02
  pull away. It's not necessarily about you,
• 2:05
  it's just how their nervous system is wired.
• 2:07
  So if you chase them after a breakup or constantly reach out,
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  what do you think happens? They retreat further.
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  They need distance to feel safe again.
• 2:18
  I want you to imagine that your relationship with your avoidant
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  X is like a Galaxy. So you're one planet and there
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  another planet, and between you is this gravitational push and
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  pull. When you're chasing, they're
• 2:36
  pulling away. But once you stop chasing, once
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  you go no contact, you create what's been called a black hole.
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  And if you're into quantum physics the way I am, then you
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  probably already know that a black hole is an empty space
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  that pulls everything into it. So in the same way, when you
• 2:59
  step back and stop trying to get their attention, you create a
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  powerful emotional vacuum. And at first the avoidant feels
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  relief. They think, finally, I have
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  space. No one's pressure me.
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  I can breathe. But over time, that relief turns
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  into something else. Emptiness.
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  Your absence. Because there's no more texts,
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  calls, or connection, it becomes noticeable.
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  The void you left behind pulls at them.
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  Avoidance don't miss you when you're still around, begging for
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  attention. They miss you when you're gone
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  because when you're chasing, they can't appreciate you.
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  You're right there and it's too much.
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  But when you disappear, they start to realize what they no
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  longer have. It's the old don't know what you
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  got till it's gone. And no contact creates space
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  where the avoidant no longer feels trapped or overwhelmed.
• 4:02
  And this distance can trigger longing, not just because you're
• 4:05
  absent, but because that absence triggers feelings they had when
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  they were with you. They miss the laughter, the
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  intimacy, the security, even if they ran from it at the time.
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  So it's not about logic. It's about the emotional vacuum
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  that no contact creates. So how does this usually play
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  out? Well, right after the breakup,
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  they feel free. They may even convince
• 4:30
  themselves that it was the right choice.
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  With you gone, they settle into their independence and this is
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  where most people panic and think they're never coming back.
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  Oh no. However, weeks or months later,
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  the black hole effect sets in and they start remembering the
• 4:51
  good times. They wonder what you're doing
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  and suddenly the silence doesn't feel so good anymore.
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  And this is when they test the waters with a small text, a
• 5:01
  social media like or some other little excuse to reach out.
• 5:07
  And if the vacuum is strong enough, if you haven't been
• 5:10
  chasing, they start moving back into your orbit.
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  Now a quick warning, this only works if you stay secure during
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  no contact, which I know if you're anxious it's going to be
• 5:24
  very hard to stay secure because if you panic and break it too
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  soon, you're going to collapse that black hole.
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  If you keep checking their social media obsessively and
• 5:37
  they know it, or send little just checking in messages, then
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  you're feeding their avoidant tendencies instead of triggering
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  the vacuum. This vacuum causes them to
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  eventually become introspective, which in turn leads to longing.
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  That's why it's so important to trigger that vacuum.
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  The power of no contact lies in your ability to hold your
• 6:04
  ground, to show without words that you can live, grow, and
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  thrive without them. That's what flips the script in
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  their mind. So what makes avoidance come
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  back after no contact? I mentioned there are two
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  things. It's not just familiarity.
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  It's not just missing your company.
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  So one is the psychological pull of absence, the black hole
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  effect that happens when you stop chasing and you give them
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  space. Once their relationship pressure
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  is gone, once their deactivation systems aren't being triggered,
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  they can begin to reflect and maybe even idealize the
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  connection. And that's when their
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  perspective starts to shift. This triggers them to reach out
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  because they want to fill that emptiness, and that can only
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  happen if you're no longer around.
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  And secondly, when enough time has passed and they realize that
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  you're not so easily replaced, even though they thought you
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  would be, And that's when things really start to turn around.
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  Your silence becomes louder than anything you could say.
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  If you're anxious, you're always thinking, I just need to talk to
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  them. I need to communicate.
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  No, once you're no longer available, you become more
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  desirable. So for those of you worried that
• 7:24
  you're actually going to forget about you, it's actually the
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  opposite. That's just your anxiety
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  talking, so tell it to shut up. Your mind can either be your
• 7:34
  biggest hater or your biggest motivator, and the role it plays
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  is up to you. And I want to mention that if
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  you've heard me talk about the 60 day rule, you'll be expecting
• 7:48
  to hear from your ex between days 45 and 60.
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  However, if your ex is an avoidant, especially a
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  dismissive avoidant, it will take longer.
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  So don't freak out. If 60 days have gone by Ave. and
• 8:02
  you haven't heard from your ex, doesn't mean that you'll never
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  hear from them. And I'll put the link to that
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  video in the upper right hand corner on YouTube.
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  So remember, the best move you can make with an avoidant is to
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  step back and let the black hole do its thing.
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  Now I want to hear from you. How long have you been in no
• 8:22
  contact and how is it going? And if you would like my help to
• 8:26
  get your ex back, you can contact me at
• 8:29
  theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
• 8:32
  They are not on the website and the link to that is underneath
• 8:35
  every video and podcast. If you found this video helpful,
• 8:39
  hit the subscribe button. If you're listening to this as a
• 8:42
  podcast and want to help the show, then just download this
• 8:45
  episode. And finally, remember, love
• 8:48
  inspires, empowers of lives and enlightens.