Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 698: So You Want Your Avoidant Ex Back?

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Episode 698: So You Want Your Avoidant Ex Back? · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:01
  If your ex is an avoidant, there's a very good chance that
• 0:04
  you're anxious and there's a built in issue.
• 0:08
  Whenever an anxious and an avoidant are dating, in many
• 0:13
  ways, they're total opposites. You want to connect, They want
• 0:17
  to be free. You want to plan a future, they
• 0:20
  don't. You want to talk about feelings,
• 0:23
  They don't. You need validation from them,
• 0:26
  but they don't need validation from you.
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  So how do you get them back? Stay tuned and you'll find out.
• 0:34
  Hi, this is Lucia with the Art of Love.
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  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
• 0:39
  you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
• 0:42
  And welcome back my beautiful no contact army.
• 0:45
  If you haven't already, be sure to download download my app
• 0:49
  Silencio to help you stay in no contact.
• 0:52
  We also have meditations on there and a space for your
• 0:55
  affirmations, and the link for that is underneath every single
• 0:59
  video and podcast. And if you too would like to
• 1:02
  join our no contact army, all you have to do is subscribe and
• 1:06
  hit the bell notification and you're in.
• 1:09
  And we also have a manual, yes, and you can read
• 1:12
  twofreechapters@nocontactsecrets.com. And just very quickly before we
• 1:20
  start, I've noticed that 65% of people who listen to me are not
• 1:26
  subscribed. That's a lot.
• 1:28
  So if I can ask you a little favor that would be to subscribe
• 1:33
  if my videos have ever helped you in any way.
• 1:35
  And that way I can continue to make helpful videos that will
• 1:40
  help everybody to have a better chance at getting their X back.
• 1:43
  Thank you. OK so to understand how to get
• 1:47
  an avoidance back you need to 1st understand how they view
• 1:51
  feelings and intimate relationships.
• 1:53
  A trigger for an avoidant is emotional closeness.
• 1:58
  Remember years ago when I started a casual relationship
• 2:00
  with someone and he said to me, well what's going to happen if
• 2:04
  you start to develop develop feelings for me?
• 2:07
  And this was before I even knew I had an avoidant attachment
• 2:10
  style. And I just immediately responded
• 2:13
  Oh well I'll stop seeing you. So if you're anxious and you
• 2:19
  heard me say that just now, you probably gasped because for you,
• 2:22
  the thought of walking away for someone you have feelings for is
• 2:27
  foreign. But for an avoidant, well,
• 2:30
  that's just another Tuesday afternoon.
• 2:32
  I have feelings for you. Oh, I got to get out of here.
• 2:35
  And that's because as children, they learned that relying on
• 2:39
  someone for their emotional needs wasn't going to work and
• 2:44
  they would eventually be disappointed.
• 2:46
  This is why avoidance are very independent.
• 2:49
  They never again want to feel that vulnerability that they
• 2:53
  experience as a child. So you can't take it personally
• 2:58
  most of the time when they break up with you if the reason
• 3:01
  they're doing that is because they're triggered by their
• 3:04
  feelings for you. I mean, in a way it's a
• 3:07
  compliment actually. You're such a great partner that
• 3:11
  they started to develop feelings for you.
• 3:14
  So you're probably thinking, well damn.
• 3:17
  So you're saying I can't be a good partner?
• 3:19
  Well, I think that you need to be an aware partner.
• 3:24
  And when you're aware of how an avoidance can be triggered,
• 3:28
  you'll make different choices in your words and in your actions.
• 3:32
  With avoidance, especially with dismissive avoidance, you have
• 3:36
  to keep them on their toes. They're super sensitive to the
• 3:40
  signs of someone being needy. In the book attached it says and
• 3:47
  I quote avoidance. It appears are quick to think
• 3:50
  negatively about their partners, seeing them as needy and
• 3:54
  dependent. They seemingly despise others
• 3:58
  for being needy. End Quote.
• 4:01
  I don't know why the author of this book felt the need to use
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  the words appears and seemingly because I can tell you with 100%
• 4:10
  certainty we don't appear to quickly think negatively about
• 4:15
  partners. We do, and we don't seemingly
• 4:19
  despise others for being needy. We do hate weakness in others
• 4:25
  and in ourselves. Weakness makes us cringe.
• 4:29
  We get the ick, we get the EW. So the first thing to keep in
• 4:34
  mind when trying to get back an avoidant is to not appear weak
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  or needy. That is not going to help you.
• 4:43
  And some people are going to say, well, why would you want to
• 4:45
  get an avoidant X back? And there are many more people
• 4:49
  however, saying that they do want their avoidant X back.
• 4:54
  So that means that you're going to have to change the way you
• 4:57
  deal with them. And if you don't want to change
• 5:00
  the way you deal with them, then I would suggest you move on and
• 5:03
  find someone with either a secure attachment style or
• 5:07
  someone who's anxious like you. Or you can always work on
• 5:11
  yourself and become a secure partner yourself.
• 5:15
  And yes, I know that's easy for me to say, but This is why I
• 5:18
  always recommend that if you have an an anxious attachment
• 5:22
  style, read the books attached and anxiously attached and I'll
• 5:26
  put the links in the notes below the video.
• 5:29
  Now you may say, well, why can't the avoidant work to become more
• 5:33
  secure? Well, they're not the one trying
• 5:35
  to get their ex back. They're not the one listening to
• 5:38
  this. You are.
• 5:39
  You can certainly suggest it to them if they say they want to
• 5:42
  get back together, but don't be surprised if they don't want to
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  go. Many avoidance see avoidant
• 5:49
  attachment as a superpower. And why would they want to give
• 5:53
  up their superpower? Would you?
• 5:57
  Something else to keep in mind with an avoidant is that you
• 6:01
  have to have boundaries. If you're anxious, however, that
• 6:05
  is going to be difficult for you to do.
• 6:06
  You don't want to have boundaries, you just want to
• 6:09
  chase after your ex. Hopefully you'll keep in mind
• 6:13
  what I just told you about how avoidance, hate, neediness and
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  weakness. If you want to push your
• 6:19
  avoidant X even further, just keep contacting them, trying to
• 6:24
  change their mind. They'll become even more
• 6:27
  avoidant and want to get away from you even more.
• 6:32
  So as usual, silence. No contact is the answer with
• 6:37
  getting an X back, but especially with getting an
• 6:40
  avoidant X back. They're usually the dumpers, so
• 6:44
  they're used to the people that they dumped chasing after them,
• 6:49
  and as soon as you don't do that, you have their attention.
• 6:53
  If you go into no contact and stay there, eventually they will
• 6:59
  wonder if they judged you too quickly.
• 7:02
  They already know that they tend to leave people sooner rather
• 7:06
  than later, and maybe this time they made their decision in
• 7:10
  haste. Maybe they were too quick to
• 7:12
  pull the plug. There were times when I second
• 7:15
  guessed myself after I'd broken up with someone, but that only
• 7:19
  happened if the person was silent and didn't try to talk me
• 7:23
  out of it. But if they bugged me and
• 7:25
  wouldn't leave me alone, I knew I'd made the right decision.
• 7:30
  So you want to remove any pressure and neediness by
• 7:32
  leaving them alone so they can start to feel safe again.
• 7:37
  Remember, they once loved you and sometimes they still do.
• 7:41
  But they don't want to deal with your feelings or their feelings
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  or feeling pressured because of your neediness or what they
• 7:49
  perceive to be your neediness. And they also want to be able to
• 7:55
  trust you. Trust is huge for avoidance.
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  So if you somehow betrayed their trust, when they do reach out,
• 8:05
  you need to ask them how you can gain their trust again and what
• 8:09
  you can do to make up for what you did.
• 8:11
  And this will go a long way towards getting an avoidant to
• 8:14
  trust you again. So they'll need time to assess
• 8:18
  the situation, and they're going to do it on their timeline, not
• 8:23
  yours. Trying to speed it up by trying
• 8:26
  to push them in any way is only going to slow things down.
• 8:31
  That's why doing no contact is especially important.
• 8:34
  If your ex is avoidant, hanging around and trying to talk them
• 8:39
  out of it is not going to work. As an avoidant, I can tell you
• 8:42
  it is not going to work. They need their space in order
• 8:46
  to feel safe and independent, and when you give it to them,
• 8:49
  you have a very good chance of hearing from them and eventually
• 8:53
  getting back together. OK, so now I'm going to hear
• 8:56
  from you. Was your ex an avoidant and how
• 9:00
  long have you been in no contact?
• 9:02
  And if you would like my help to get your ex back, you can
• 9:06
  contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
• 9:10
  will send you the rates. They are not on the website and
• 9:14
  the direct link to that is below every single video and podcast.
• 9:18
  If you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe and
• 9:21
  share. If you're listening to this as a
• 9:23
  podcast and want to help the show, just download it.
• 9:27
  And finally, remember, love inspires and powers, uplifts and
• 9:32
  enlightens.