Latest / Questionable Detour / Taking a man on a hunt in a Walmart bathroom, forcing people to eat your old bread, and mourning our dead cohost.

Transcript

Taking a man on a hunt in a Walmart bathroom, forcing people to eat your old bread, and mourning our dead cohost. · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:25
We have to address the elephant in the room,
0:27
and the elephant in the room is that there is not an elephant in the room.
0:29
Nor is there an Alan.
0:32
And I'm sorry to say, we should go to make the announcement.
0:35
He's dead.
0:37
We've lost him.
0:38
Gotta say it was not too early.
0:40
He was not too young.
0:43
Honestly, couldn't it come quick enough?
0:44
Yeah, really?
0:45
He made it a lot longer than anybody anticipated.
0:48
And honestly, longer than we wanted him to.
0:52
I was looking in the daily obituary, every day going,
0:56
where's Alan?
0:57
Where's Alan?
0:58
Because it's just gotten to become a drag.
1:00
It's just another day, another conversation with Alan.
1:07
Where does it end?
1:10
Yeah, he's dead.
1:11
He died from a routine weekly colonoscopy.
1:15
It was not peaceful.
1:18
The doctor opened it a little too much in a spirit and just kind of leaked out.
1:22
And it was like a scene from any ghost movie when they finally kill the ghost.
1:29
And the ghost like leases and it just goes off into the nether realm.
1:35
Except this ghost came out of the nether realm.
1:38
He's dead.
1:39
You kind of already said your piece about Alan.
1:42
Yeah, I'm good.
1:42
Perry's here taking Alan's place, by the way.
1:45
Perry, now that you're in the warm,
1:48
seat with Alan's butt impression in it, do you want to say something about Alan?
1:52
Yeah, now that I'm sitting in a seat, I noticed that.
1:56
So we're at a square rectangle table and both the other guys are to my right.
2:00
We have names.
2:02
It's not worth it.
2:03
And he could have easily scooted his seat around to the left.
2:07
So he's making eye contact with either of you as he's talking.
2:11
But for some reason, he has positioned his chair.
2:13
So we just kind of sat down and talked.
2:15
But for some reason, he has positioned his chair, so he's just staring directly at the
2:19
computer screen and no one else.
2:22
And so I don't know how he how does he do this podcast without any eye contact?
2:26
It's a it's a shame thing.
2:27
He's ashamed.
2:29
He doesn't want to look anybody else in the eye.
2:31
It is incorrect.
2:32
I don't know how I'm going to do it like this.
2:33
I'm going to have to scoot around.
2:35
Do we want to pause and let you scoot?
2:38
Let's not let's pause.
2:39
Let's scoot.
2:40
Perry has moved Alan's seat to his normal position that you take when you're here.
2:46
So I guess for you, Alan, the thing you would say about Alan is he has poor judgment.
2:50
Yeah, he has autism.
2:51
He can't make eye contact.
2:54
He does not want to look at you.
2:55
Poor social skills, for sure.
2:57
But yeah, you know, maybe we'll have a funeral for him.
2:59
We're probably not going to show up because we got better stuff to do.
3:03
Yeah, it's just I can't be made to take time out of my Wednesday.
3:07
Yeah, his funeral is going to be on a Wednesday.
3:10
Not a lot of people are expecting.
3:13
Even the church that he booked it at was like, I don't know if he's worth it.
3:18
We got stuff other day.
3:19
Yeah, like Saturday.
3:20
That's like a big funeral day.
3:22
Is this is this Alan guy worth it?
3:25
But rest in peace, Alan.
3:27
I would say you'd be missed, but that would be a lie.
3:29
And why even lie when you're dead?
3:33
But welcome, Perry.
3:34
What does it feel like now that you're starring?
3:38
Easy to say.
3:38
It's probably an upgrade.
3:41
A downgrade in Southern accent and an upgrade in quality.
3:44
So also a downgrade in tucked in shirts.
3:49
Yeah.
3:51
Like casual leather jackets.
3:52
Yeah, a leather jacket and tucked in shirt.
3:54
I don't think we're going to get that back.
3:56
That that I don't know this the old man.
3:58
You're not as old as Alan spiritually.
4:02
Yeah, I agree with that.
4:03
I don't want to be that old spiritually.
4:05
Alan classically goes to sleep early and he dies early too.
4:08
So at least he was consistent.
4:10
You know, welcome to questionable detour.
4:12
Let's do hypotheticals.
4:14
Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
4:19
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
4:22
Well, that's a hypothetical question.
4:25
So I know we have a large listener base of women.
4:28
Really, the three of us plus Perry every once in a while
4:32
are the sexiest people on the planet.
4:33
So of course, you're going to get a big listener base of women.
4:36
We're very pro women here.
4:37
Everybody knows that.
4:38
We cater to women.
4:40
We cater to women like a tampon company, just for women.
4:44
If you're listening to this and you're a man, turn it off.
4:48
Turn it off now.
4:50
We don't respect you.
4:53
But here's the thing.
4:54
This this hypothetical we're doing is just for men
4:57
because if you're a woman and you relate to this, let me shake your hand.
5:00
You seem like a cool you seem like a cool woman.
5:03
Our first hypothetical is something men can relate to.
5:06
And it is what do y'all do when you are peeing at a urinal
5:10
and somebody comes up and stands beside y'all?
5:13
Because if you don't know, if you're not a man
5:15
or a man that is deadfully afraid of public restrooms,
5:19
you know there's an unwritten rule that if you're at a urinal,
5:22
you don't go pee next to somebody.
5:23
You go to the next urinal over.
5:25
You go to a bathroom stall if you can't not pee next to them.
5:28
So what do y'all do if you are relieving yourselves
5:31
and somebody comes up right next to you?
5:34
How do y'all handle that?
5:35
For me, it's about allowing people to build their primal instincts.
5:41
So I'm already uncomfortable.
5:45
I'm already uncomfortable.
5:46
You just wait.
5:48
Let's hear him out.
5:49
Yes, let's hear about I think he just growled.
5:52
He just growled.
5:54
Scratching with his with his foot right now.
5:56
Yeah, like a dog.
5:58
So if I'm taking a leak at a urinal
6:01
and somebody walks up next to me
6:02
and maybe they want to take a look or, you know,
6:04
whatever they're trying to do next to me.
6:07
You automatically assume they're trying to take a peek at you?
6:09
I mean, I'm assuming.
6:10
There's no other reason.
6:11
They look like a nosy neighbor over that divider in between.
6:14
Huh?
6:14
Yeah, they got no other reason to come up right next to me.
6:18
I'm assuming they're trying to get a look.
6:19
Yeah, sure.
6:20
If they want to look, sure.
6:21
I say if that's your primal instinct, go for it.
6:23
But you have to understand I also have my own primal instincts.
6:26
Oh, my God.
6:28
So if you take a peek and get a good feel for what I got going on.
6:33
Wait, are they not?
6:34
They're not going to feel.
6:35
OK, where do you draw the line?
6:37
I pure visual.
6:39
OK, it's like a diagram for them.
6:42
They're window shopping.
6:43
Yeah, sure.
6:43
It's like school.
6:44
And this is show and tell.
6:48
What are you throwing at school, Evan?
6:49
Keep the school out of it.
6:51
Yeah.
6:53
I notice you don't live anywhere near around the school.
6:55
Is that planned legally?
6:57
I can't speak on my legal.
7:00
It's tough to bring up.
7:01
OK, OK.
7:02
But back to what I was saying.
7:06
If that's their primal instinct, they have to understand that I'm going to
7:10
use my primal.
7:10
There's going to be a reaction to it.
7:12
Sure.
7:13
So what's more primal than taking whoever just looked my genitalia
7:18
on a hunt for a saber toothed tiger?
7:22
Maybe set up a campfire in the middle of the bathroom.
7:27
Start drawing some drawings on the cave walls of the bathroom.
7:30
Really just getting back to our instincts.
7:32
This took a right turn.
7:34
The right.
7:35
The right turn to something I did not expect.
7:39
So let me get this straight.
7:40
Somebody comes up, stands next to you.
7:42
Are you automatically in kind of that caveman fur, maybe a loincloth?
7:47
Unshaving long hair?
7:48
Are you already in that or has that happened after they make the unfortunate error
7:56
of taking a peeky poo?
7:57
I can't just expect them to come up.
7:59
I can't.
8:00
But you're home.
8:01
I mean, I'm always prepared for it, but I can't just expect somebody to come up and
8:05
take a look.
8:06
See now if they do.
8:07
Sure.
8:07
It's under my clothes.
8:08
I'm currently wearing.
8:09
Oh, I'm hunched over the urinal.
8:13
You didn't take it out.
8:14
You didn't take it out.
8:15
You didn't take it out.
8:17
What?
8:19
You didn't take out your extra member to relieve yourself.
8:22
You just kind of kept the loincloth over it.
8:24
You just got dribbling all over your legs.
8:26
No, no, no.
8:27
It's pushed to the side.
8:28
But I have my jeans over my loincloth.
8:31
Got you.
8:31
Okay.
8:32
And so if it does happen that somebody gets a little too personal, then sure, I'll shed
8:37
my extra layers and I'll have my loincloth, my fur coat, and we'll get to business.
8:42
Now, how much of this is a forced interaction?
8:46
It sounds like you're really.
8:47
He's hoping for it.
8:48
Seeking out opportunities.
8:51
He's prepared a little too prepared.
8:52
Yeah.
8:52
So how much of this is they're just trying to use the bathroom and they happen to get
8:57
next to the psycho versus they're a creep and they've now been forced in this scenario.
9:04
Is it a combo?
9:05
What's the ratio?
9:06
Yeah.
9:06
I'm sure if you ask either side, there would be a good side to each story.
9:10
Now, which side would be the good side?
9:12
Depends on what you mean by good.
9:14
Morality is subjective.
9:15
That's what Evan says.
9:16
Yeah.
9:17
And why he's peeing next to somebody.
9:18
Yeah.
9:19
So I mean, sure, I'm hunched over the urinal.
9:21
Do I feel somebody walk up next to me?
9:23
I see them.
9:24
Maybe I'll lean back a little bit.
9:26
Maybe I try to make eye contact with them, see, make it look like I'm trying to get their
9:29
attention.
9:30
Sure.
9:30
Maybe I'm doing a bunch of weird splashes in the urinal.
9:33
Try to make noise down there.
9:35
So maybe he sees that and he's interested in what's going on.
9:38
What is he, a shark?
9:39
What is he, a shark?
9:41
He's like, splashes around and he circles the area.
9:46
People get interested when they don't know what's happening.
9:47
I know I would.
9:49
I mean, yeah.
9:50
Yeah.
9:51
You know what's happening now and I'm interested.
9:53
So yeah, you tell me there's a bunch of weird noises going on in the urinal next to you.
9:56
You're not going to look.
9:58
You're not going to side eye a little bit.
9:59
I'm a little curious.
10:00
Yeah.
10:00
As soon as I see that side eye, we're in the campfire.
10:03
Locked in.
10:04
So you're baiting them in.
10:06
You bait them into it.
10:07
Don't give me that look.
10:08
60, 60 percent baited.
10:10
60 percent baited.
10:11
Sure.
10:11
I'll give you that.
10:12
And then they look over just because you're making well noises and splashing around in
10:18
the urinal.
10:18
I assume you have like breakaway pants and then underneath is just a loin cloth, a fur
10:23
like wrap, and then you're ooga booga and pointing everywhere.
10:26
Yeah, I am capturing him in the sense that we are now hunting for wild, willy mammoth.
10:33
We're expecting our cave women to go gather nuts and fruits.
10:38
Yeah, of course, this comes along with a marriage course structure, the patriarchy.
10:45
And hand him, you know, a rock to start scribbling on the walls.
10:50
Now, as people are generally individualistic and think for themselves, what's his motivation
10:55
to do this for you other than just pure fear?
10:58
I'm sure at some point his primal instincts just take over.
11:02
Okay.
11:02
And they're like, this is what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.
11:05
I've been wasting away in an office space for 40 years.
11:09
This is what I was meant to do with my life.
11:11
That man was hoping for a change and he got it with you.
11:14
So as small as a public restroom may be, are you just kind of going around the perimeter
11:20
of the bathroom and just opening and reopening the stall doors, hoping something different
11:26
in there, maybe a saber tooth or some sort of ape is in there for you hunt?
11:30
Like, how does the hunt go?
11:31
We leave the bathroom for that.
11:32
Oh, okay.
11:33
The bathroom is just our cave dwelling.
11:36
It's the conduit.
11:36
So you're running through Walmart with a guy that might not be completely motivated.
11:42
He's just like arm slumped.
11:44
He's like, God dang it.
11:45
I gotta keep spurring him on.
11:47
Yeah.
11:47
I'm like, this is what we're made to do.
11:49
He's like, oh, I'm so tired.
11:52
I don't want another one.
11:52
Do we have to?
11:55
And you're running around with a handmade spear.
11:57
Yeah.
11:57
I'm like, how are we going to eat tonight if you don't kill the woolly mammoth?
12:01
So how does the hunt normally go?
12:03
So you exit into the, I assume, a Walmart.
12:07
People are running around because you have weaponry.
12:09
You are not closed.
12:11
What are you killing?
12:12
How does it end?
12:14
So sure, we go on a lengthy day long hunt looking for the woolly mammoth.
12:19
We'll see some overweight guys and oh, is that what we're looking for?
12:24
We get closer.
12:25
Because you are partially blind.
12:26
Partially, partially.
12:28
We get closer and we see that it is just a man who seldom leaves his basement.
12:33
Yeah.
12:33
So once the hunt starts to deem itself unsuccessful,
12:37
there's a little known gathering ground in Walmart called the meat section.
12:42
So we'll just swing by there, grab a couple of ribeyes,
12:45
head back to the bathroom, cook those babies on the campfire.
12:48
Oh, you have a campfire in the bathroom?
12:50
Start warming those things up.
12:51
And you're cooking the meat that you didn't pay for.
12:54
We didn't leave the Walmart.
12:57
You really found a loophole for.
12:58
Not technically stealing.
12:59
Yeah.
13:00
What are you burning in the bathroom for the fire?
13:03
Incense.
13:05
I know I'm like Catholic ritual.
13:09
I'm not going to cook a steak very well, though.
13:12
Like it's an under smoking it.
13:14
It's an undercooked steak and it has like a weird like a taste to it
13:18
because you cooked it over a lavender, you know?
13:20
Yeah, it's like eating your washing detergent.
13:22
Yeah, an undercooked washing detergent.
13:26
Yeah.
13:26
Tasty. What an experience for that guy.
13:31
Yeah.
13:31
You say it's for him.
13:32
It's all for him.
13:33
60 percent for him.
13:34
Yeah.
13:35
40 percent for you.
13:36
Exactly. I do this out of the goodness of my heart.
13:40
You're kind of a philanthropist.
13:41
Yeah.
13:42
An emotional philanthropist.
13:43
I'm giving back to the less fortunate.
13:46
And if you say that word slowly, it sounds like full on rapist,
13:50
which I think probably fits your bill a little better.
13:53
That is pretty primal.
13:54
It is pretty primal.
13:58
I'll say we're not doing that, but if the instinct comes.
14:01
Oh, it's just.
14:05
It's just eggs over.
14:06
Be prepared.
14:07
It's just Evan like hunched over a fire, eating a lavender steak.
14:11
And like they're just like, you know, not a lot is being said because it's awkward
14:15
and it gets really silent.
14:16
And the guy looks up and it's just Evan over there kind of giving them the eyes.
14:22
Over the intercom.
14:23
Yeah.
14:23
Walmart is closing in five minutes.
14:27
The guy's like, I probably get home.
14:33
Wife needs those command strips.
14:37
He's been there for like five hours.
14:40
That man goes home changed.
14:43
That is kind of they just kind of leave that.
14:44
That's how it ends.
14:46
You just kind of like shake your hands.
14:47
Yeah, just shake hands.
14:49
Uh, I say, see you next week.
14:51
That means not coming back to.
14:52
Yeah, I think we all know that he's not coming back.
14:54
He's finding a new location.
14:55
Yeah.
14:56
Do you are you like, yeah, you want to use the bathroom before you head out?
15:00
You know, he's like, no, I'll feed a bottle.
15:04
No, we're near nowhere near that urinal.
15:07
All right.
15:07
Kind of rapey.
15:09
You did that kind of rapey.
15:12
I didn't do that.
15:13
You did it.
15:13
I just got to the bottom of it.
15:15
It was called a journalistic dissection.
15:18
That's where that's where Zach's primal instincts go.
15:20
Oh, yeah.
15:20
That's how he knew it.
15:21
That's his fault.
15:22
You don't want me to look over at your yard.
15:26
Someone got my words.
15:28
Because there's one, there's one thing I'm hunting.
15:33
Well, here's what I do when I am peeing in a urinal and somebody comes up beside me a
15:40
little too close.
15:41
You don't want to touch elbows when you're peeing, you know, it's touch hands, you know,
15:45
touch the side of the thigh, but they come up beside me.
15:50
And I want to impress, I want to impress them if they're going to take a peek, if they're
15:53
going to be beside me.
15:55
I want to impress.
15:56
I want them leaving with a story to tell and a twinkle in their eye, a tinkle in their eye.
16:03
So here's what I do.
16:04
I do tricks.
16:05
I do P tricks.
16:06
What does that mean to you?
16:08
Can you elaborate?
16:09
No, no.
16:09
What does it mean?
16:10
I enjoy throwing out something and then picking y'all's brain.
16:13
So I just recently watched a video about a guy doing slinky tricks.
16:17
Yeah.
16:17
He slinks it around.
16:19
Yeah.
16:19
I imagine that just with a stream of pee.
16:21
Yes.
16:21
Kind of like a slinky trick.
16:23
But yeah, maybe.
16:23
Okay.
16:24
What do you think P tricks would be?
16:26
I would think you're doing some form of art with your urine and just kind of painting the
16:32
Mona Lisa with your urine, you know, they have like paper back there.
16:36
Yeah.
16:37
Yeah.
16:37
Okay.
16:37
I was thinking that too, but I was thinking more for me doing kind of like a dude perfect
16:42
situation where maybe I have like tiles that have angled in different angles.
16:47
So that way I aim one way, it bounces off one tile.
16:50
It's angled to another tile, angled to another tile, and then it lands right into the urinal.
16:56
You know?
16:56
So I'm doing like tricks and maybe I'll jump in the stream.
17:00
We'll do a flip and it'll go into the urinal.
17:04
You know, I want to impress the guy.
17:07
Hey, you know, I'm wearing like gym shorts and like a sweatband around my head.
17:10
Yeah.
17:11
You see, you know, I'm put it on YouTube.
17:12
Yeah.
17:12
Yeah.
17:13
You know, I want to impress him.
17:15
I want to be the Harlem Globetrotters of the bathroom.
17:19
You know?
17:20
Is there like a competing team?
17:22
Is there like a competition between you and another team or another person?
17:27
Yeah.
17:27
The Globetrotters has with the generals?
17:28
Yes.
17:29
It starts with me just doing basic tricks to impress, you know, this individual that
17:34
came too close to me.
17:36
That was, unfortunately came too close.
17:38
And then what happens is as I'm doing these tricks and he's like impressed, he's like,
17:42
please sign, sign this for me.
17:45
Can you marry my wife?
17:46
You know, I don't deserve her anymore after seeing this, you know, you know, how good
17:49
what guys will do.
17:50
But then there's another team.
17:52
They'll walk in to that Walmart bathroom and we'll catch eyes and I'll know it's on.
17:56
A scoreboard will come down from the ceiling and other individuals will come out of the
18:05
bathroom stalls on my team.
18:07
We're wearing the same outfits.
18:08
They were in there the whole time.
18:11
We're wearing the same uniforms.
18:12
Our team is obviously called the Pistons, right?
18:15
Nice.
18:16
Yeah, you know, and then the other team, our rival team is called the the Leakers.
18:23
If you ever saw Space Jam, you know, it's kind of like that moment where they're on
18:28
the floor in the final game.
18:30
We're like eyes locked.
18:32
Weiner's hanging out because we're obviously deep in competition because we're ready to
18:41
play and then we play a weird game of P basketball where we're just shooting.
18:47
Do you pass it to one another?
18:50
Yeah.
18:50
Yeah.
18:51
Why not?
18:51
You know, it's a team.
18:53
It's a team sport.
18:56
And at the end of it, time's running out.
18:58
You're down by two.
18:59
Oh, man.
19:00
Godly like Space Jam closing seat of Space Jam defenders are closing in.
19:07
Yeah.
19:07
You got to reach for the ball for the goal.
19:10
Yeah.
19:10
From free throw line, whatever.
19:12
Yeah.
19:12
Does your body stretch for that last just burst?
19:17
Here's the thing, Evan.
19:17
Unfortunately, if my body in this context could stretch, I'd be doing it all the time.
19:24
It doesn't stretch.
19:25
It doesn't stretch.
19:25
I shoot from the three, though, you know, I go up there, I do a step back and I fire
19:33
from range and everybody watches that stream go above their head and right,
19:39
right into the net that is also a urinal, I guess.
19:42
And you know, they hear that buzz or the crowd goes, there's a crowd in there now.
19:47
Let me tell you something.
19:50
Let me tell you something.
19:51
If this was going on in the bathroom, I'm coming to watch.
19:55
Sign me up.
19:56
100%.
19:57
Tell me you're not going to go watch 10 guys with their wieners hanging out.
20:01
It peaked all over a court.
20:02
There's so many misses.
20:07
It's all wet everywhere.
20:09
We're slipping.
20:13
Smells like asparagus.
20:15
Even the best basketball shooters are only shooting 40%.
20:18
That means 70% is like shooting the floor.
20:22
In this scenario, too, the crowd is like in the splash zone.
20:25
Like it's splash mountain at Disney World.
20:27
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:27
They're just soaked.
20:29
Walmart's, uh, the raincoat section sells out pretty
20:32
quick.
20:34
It looks like Sea World.
20:36
Looks like Disney World on a rainy day.
20:38
Everybody's got the ponchos.
20:39
Yeah.
20:42
That's exactly dry.
20:43
That's exactly what happens.
20:44
And here's the thing, though.
20:45
Y'all think I'm crazy for saying this.
20:47
Y'all think there's no way this happens.
20:50
Have you been in a public restroom?
20:51
A men's public restroom?
20:52
What do you see all over the floor?
20:55
You see urine everywhere.
20:56
Urine is everywhere.
20:57
Boom.
20:57
There you go.
20:57
This is what actually happens.
20:59
It's not a lie.
20:59
So I've been missing it.
21:00
I've been going in public restrooms for.
21:02
You probably know an off season.
21:04
There's a season, you know?
21:06
I mean, I peer I pee year round.
21:08
So when am I missing it?
21:10
Is it like five a.m. year round?
21:12
I do.
21:13
I thought that way.
21:14
I didn't think that was what I had to do every day.
21:16
No, I hold it.
21:17
I hold it for a pee season.
21:19
Oh, OK.
21:19
You stayed in shape.
21:21
If you stay in shape, you mean bladder infections.
21:24
And yeah, yeah, I get so many bladder infections.
21:27
I gotta go to the doctor like, please pee.
21:29
So you tell me you don't work on your game in the off season.
21:34
Never going to make all stars.
21:37
All right, Perry, you go relieve yourself in a urinal of man with no social awareness.
21:42
Hopefully a man, no social awareness comes up and stands beside you.
21:45
What do you do?
21:46
So first off, if you're coming up and peeing next to somebody when there's empty stalls around them,
21:53
then definitely a certifiable psycho.
21:56
You're a psycho.
21:57
I think we can all agree on that.
21:58
If you're a guy, you understand that it is so awkward.
22:01
But because I know if they come if they're doing that, they are a psycho.
22:04
I have a nice little service for them that I reserve specifically for them.
22:09
Yeah, you service guys in the bathroom.
22:15
So yeah, so I'll set the scene.
22:17
Imagine you're coming in the bathroom, you one of those degenerates,
22:20
and you come and stand next to somebody as they're peeing.
22:22
And just you're doing your thing, you're relieving yourself.
22:25
And all you hear is, do you see this season's newest line?
22:29
And you look over and this guy, he's just looking you dead in the eyes.
22:32
And he's trying to pitch to you this new season's where and you say to yourself,
22:37
what are you talking about?
22:38
And then all the night, the lights go out and it's pitch dark.
22:41
And then a spotlight flashes on somebody in the middle of the room.
22:44
And they're displaying the newest line of peeing where.
22:50
So you're not even the weirdo in this situation.
22:52
I'm choreographing it.
22:55
All right, so it's a runway situation.
22:57
It's a runway.
22:57
There's a runway somehow underneath their legs.
23:02
And they have been outfitted with the newest where for the 2023 season.
23:06
OK, so lights go out.
23:08
There's a runway.
23:09
I assume there's some like maybe European.
23:12
Oh, yeah.
23:13
Silky man.
23:14
Yeah, just, you know, music going on, DJs.
23:18
Yeah.
23:18
And so he has this this year is the Sherpa wool jacket.
23:22
OK, cool.
23:23
With the boots and the fur.
23:27
So he starts strutting it down the runway.
23:33
So he strutted it down the runway and this guy, he's just locked in at this point.
23:38
Oh, yeah.
23:38
I need this.
23:41
Not the man, but the outfit.
23:43
And so I have, you know, two or three other guys, they come through with the newest line
23:47
and this guy just sold.
23:49
There's nothing like an in-person demonstration to really sell.
23:51
I mean, absolutely.
23:53
Services.
23:53
You just sound like a good salesperson.
23:54
Yeah, it's all it is.
23:55
And so at this point, he's he's at least three hundred dollars in on my new product line.
23:59
And oh, he's buying stuff as it goes.
24:03
He's just handing me his credit card.
24:05
And then, yeah, I get the next guy that walks in.
24:07
We have a whole nother lights off runway situation.
24:10
I like to imagine the guy leaves and you're like, count your money.
24:15
And you're like sitting around like, good job.
24:17
You're high fiving and stuff.
24:18
Yeah.
24:19
And then you're like, OK, here comes another.
24:22
Give your place.
24:23
OK, say you're in a middle stall.
24:27
Somebody comes to your right and somebody comes to your left.
24:30
But somebody comes to your right.
24:31
You've already started two or three people are down the runway already.
24:34
Then the guy comes in on the right and you're like, restart.
24:38
We gotta go back to the middle.
24:40
We gotta go back.
24:40
We gotta go.
24:42
If you don't think that first guy is so into it, he wants to see it again.
24:47
He hears so rock.
24:48
Yeah. Yeah.
24:49
Yeah. So he's ready to just hit that rewind button and start over.
24:53
And that first guy is just in for a world that he didn't know existed.
24:57
And imagine when you get home with the latest, the latest line.
25:00
Yeah.
25:00
You're pretty.
25:01
The outfit and you you go to, you know, take a shower or whatever.
25:05
And your wife walks in and she says, my God,
25:08
what do you have there?
25:09
You're reinvented.
25:11
You're reinvented as a man.
25:13
I didn't know this was a thing.
25:15
Your marriage is completely rejuvenated.
25:18
Yeah.
25:20
Forget about redoing your vows.
25:22
That's what you gotta do.
25:23
Yeah.
25:23
She seeks you out.
25:24
Yeah.
25:25
She's like, which bathroom did you go to?
25:26
Which bathroom was it?
25:27
Walmart.
25:30
The Walmart men's bathroom.
25:31
She goes in there and thank you.
25:33
You're you've read style of my husband.
25:36
I never knew how much I loved him until I saw him in his peen wear.
25:42
So how trendy is it?
25:43
Is he like when I think of like runways and fashion shows,
25:48
they're always like the goofiest stuff.
25:50
Yeah.
25:50
I guess I'm asking, you know, you know, what what's this season style?
25:54
If I were to compete next to you right now, what are you sitting down and showing?
25:57
Yeah.
25:58
Imagine Billie Eilish.
25:59
Yeah.
26:00
In between your legs.
26:01
Oh, but sorry.
26:03
That's not a lot of people.
26:05
Sorry, that's not a lot of people.
26:08
Her style, her style.
26:09
Yeah, her style with her hair.
26:11
So it's kind of emo.
26:12
Well, and she she wears a little bit bigger jackets.
26:15
Sure.
26:16
Right.
26:16
And just some interesting colors draws the eye.
26:19
Yeah.
26:20
And so a lot of times if we go like skinny jean look, you get some circulation problems.
26:24
Yeah, you know, the last thing we want is a lawsuit.
26:27
Yeah.
26:28
Do you have glasses?
26:29
Glasses are glasses involved with the the peen fashion.
26:32
Yeah.
26:33
Fake mustaches as well.
26:35
Only those two things.
26:38
So if somebody comes up and to the stall next to you and kind of takes a peek over,
26:42
are you wearing the latest fashion on the peen?
26:44
What do you think gets the conversation?
26:46
Got you.
26:46
OK, he's like.
26:48
I don't just hit the lights.
26:49
Oh, OK.
26:50
Oh, OK.
26:50
I got you.
26:51
OK.
26:51
Like, yeah, in my scenario, I'm not my snare in real life.
26:54
Yeah.
26:55
This isn't a hypothetical.
26:57
Yeah, I'm just standing there.
26:58
And as I when I see this guy walk up next to me, I just go, man, this new line is just.
27:02
I can't.
27:03
Yeah, this is I can't.
27:05
I can't look away.
27:05
Revolutionary.
27:06
When he's like, who's this guy talking to looks over me.
27:08
I'm staring at him.
27:11
And then I just you caught your eyes dark down.
27:13
Yeah, my hand like comes up over the stall and I just go, look down here.
27:19
And you're away.
27:20
And then the lights go.
27:21
Yeah, you're wearing the latest skinny jean on your wing.
27:25
Being the change you want to see in the world.
27:27
Yeah.
27:28
Oh, man, are they expensive?
27:30
The wean jeans?
27:30
Are they expensive?
27:31
I need some new jeans for my wean, you know?
27:34
Yeah, it's it's high dollar.
27:36
It's not.
27:37
Yeah, I mean, you know, we have very small people sewing those because they're so small.
27:41
The people have to be small.
27:42
Yeah.
27:44
Okay.
27:45
You run like an elf shop.
27:48
Do you have different lines within your pain where like your Balenciaga?
27:56
Gooch.
27:57
Goochy Dickies.
28:03
Dickie.
28:03
Yeah.
28:03
Yeah.
28:04
You got to be sponsored by Dickie's.
28:05
All right.
28:07
That's that's the Saturday worker wear right there.
28:09
Saturday worker.
28:10
That's that's the blue collar.
28:11
Yeah, that's for them.
28:13
Yeah.
28:14
I mean, you got to have high vis out there on the construction site for your wean too.
28:18
Right.
28:18
Yeah.
28:20
Safety doesn't stop when you get off the job site.
28:22
If you don't want people to ever come sit beside you at a urinal, do what we do.
28:28
Do the weirdest thing possible.
28:30
Take them on a primal hunt throughout Walmart.
28:35
Escapade.
28:36
Do do P trick shots that somehow turns into a P basketball game.
28:41
And then finally, come up with a fashion wear for your wiener that you then parade around
28:49
for people to buy.
28:50
But for our next hypothetical, we're going to go a little more high brow, a little more studious
28:56
here at Queston will you tour.
28:57
We are well read.
28:58
We are literate.
29:01
Scholarly.
29:04
Perry has put on a tweed suit and is smoking a long long looks like he knows history.
29:15
He uses very multi syllabic words.
29:18
Didn't even know you owned a monocle.
29:21
I'm blind most of the time.
29:24
As you can see, we're studious.
29:26
We're well we're learned.
29:27
We're academics.
29:28
So our next hypothetical revolves around what do you guys do when y'all are in a library?
29:33
Just kind of studying and learning.
29:35
Yes.
29:35
So for this hypothetical, before we jump in, I'd like to put Zach through some paces just
29:40
for the listeners, the Saturday lurkers to see what kind of brain they're listening to
29:45
over the airwaves.
29:46
I like that the first time Perry stars in an episode, he takes over.
29:49
Yeah, this is mine now.
29:53
See you, Alan.
29:54
Zach, just for fun, let's try and spell some words.
29:57
Oh my gosh.
29:58
Since you're a big library guy.
30:00
I told you I can read.
30:01
I can't spell.
30:02
Okay.
30:02
Okay.
30:03
Let's go.
30:03
All right.
30:04
So I got some funny words for you.
30:05
First one, bumfuzzle.
30:10
Bumfuzzle.
30:11
Bumfuzzle.
30:12
You don't have the origin.
30:12
Don't have the origin.
30:13
I assume it's Latin.
30:14
You know, something very, you know, high brow, something very classy.
30:18
Bumfuzzle.
30:19
What does bumfuzzle mean?
30:20
I think it's the little lint that collects in your butt crack.
30:25
Yeah.
30:25
You got to, you got to wash out the bumfuzzle.
30:27
Okay.
30:27
So bumfuzzle, the lint that is in your butt crack from Latin, I think.
30:32
B-U-M-F-U-Z-Z-L-E.
30:36
That is correct.
30:37
Yeah.
30:37
That's what I'm talking about, dude.
30:39
Typically refers to being confused or perplexed.
30:41
Oh, well, listen.
30:43
I like my definition better.
30:44
Yeah.
30:45
I kind of like the butt crack lint.
30:47
All right.
30:48
Number two, hullabaloo.
30:49
Hullabaloo.
30:50
See, I know this word and I use it regularly.
30:52
I don't spell it regularly.
30:54
So this is what is going to get me here.
30:55
H-U-L-B-A?
30:58
Hullabaloo.
31:00
L-O-U.
31:03
Hullabaloo.
31:03
Hullabaloo.
31:03
Hullabaloo.
31:04
Hullabaloo.
31:04
Hullabaloo.
31:05
Oh, I didn't put the last part of the word on it.
31:08
It was hullabaloo.
31:09
It was hullaloo.
31:13
Phonetically, it's pretty close.
31:14
Yeah.
31:15
But H-U-L-B-A-L-A-B-A-L-O-U.
31:21
You're pretty close.
31:22
OK.
31:22
There's some double letters in there.
31:25
H-U-L-L-A-B-A-L-L-O-O.
31:29
God, there's no way.
31:30
There's no way I was going to get it.
31:31
If you were to put a gun to my head right now
31:33
and you were to say there's one bullet in the chamber,
31:35
if you spell this correctly, you live.
31:39
You'd be cleaning brains up off the ground.
31:41
There's no way I would get that right.
31:42
I think the temperature in the room has raised like two or three degrees
31:46
just from the engine turning.
31:48
Yeah, dude.
31:49
Smoke out the ears.
31:50
Yeah, man.
31:50
It looks like a steam engine going up a mountain right now.
31:55
All right.
31:55
Give me one more.
31:56
Let me come out.
31:56
Let me go out on top.
31:57
You know?
31:59
The word is widdershins.
32:01
Say it slow.
32:02
Is it wiggershins?
32:04
See, I don't, to be honest, it might be widershins.
32:06
Widershins?
32:07
Widdershins.
32:08
It sounds like a disease an old person gets after they cough too hard.
32:14
Like, oh, they got diagnosed with widdershins.
32:16
No, they can't walk without pain.
32:18
Yeah, they walk with a limp now because they have widdershins syndrome.
32:21
All right, widdershins.
32:23
W-I-D-D.
32:25
Strong start.
32:25
E-R-S-H-I-N-S?
32:28
Ding, ding, ding.
32:29
No way.
32:30
OK.
32:30
Look at this guy.
32:31
Man, I tell you what.
32:32
See, you gave me easy words because thankfully those
32:35
phonetically were spelled how they sound.
32:37
Now we know what it is.
32:38
So what is widdershins mean?
32:40
It's a neurological damage from smelling to me sharpies.
32:44
No way.
32:45
It's OK.
32:46
It is.
32:46
It is.
32:47
OK.
32:47
Oh, you got us.
32:50
All right.
32:51
It is moving in the wrong direction counterclockwise.
32:54
Oh, so my life is going widdershins.
32:57
Is that how you use it?
32:59
I doubt it.
33:00
It's going widdershins-ly.
33:03
Oh, well, there you go.
33:04
If anything proves that we are a studious.
33:07
And that's the brain of a man that's about to get his doctorate.
33:09
That's hey, listen, I don't need to prove anything else in my life.
33:13
I can die happy like Alan.
33:15
He didn't die happy.
33:16
He died.
33:17
He died sad.
33:18
All right.
33:19
So now that we're back on topic here.
33:21
Yeah.
33:21
What do you all do?
33:22
What do you all do in a library looking all studious?
33:25
Big, thick rimmed glasses.
33:28
Your eyes look like a fly because your eyes are so big through those glasses.
33:32
What do you all do?
33:33
Yeah.
33:33
So I've recently got into baking bread.
33:36
Fancy, fancy.
33:36
Okay.
33:37
Thank you.
33:37
Yeah.
33:38
And I'm somewhat self-conscious.
33:40
I really just want to get people to try it.
33:42
Give me some feedback.
33:43
Right.
33:44
So I thought, I mean, people that read typically like bread.
33:46
So my favorite thing to do is take the crispiest bread I can find,
33:49
trying to really get that crust extra crispy.
33:51
Yeah.
33:52
And I want to give them a fresh cut.
33:54
So when I get to the library, I sit down and get myself nice and cozy,
33:58
get everything laid out.
34:00
And then I just start breaking into that bread and just sound like,
34:04
like somebody walking on gravel.
34:07
Yeah.
34:07
It's somewhat say distracting.
34:10
Some would say tasty.
34:11
Yeah.
34:12
Wait, are they eating it or are you just going in?
34:16
Some would say a little bit Jewish.
34:18
Yeah.
34:18
Yeah.
34:20
Yeah.
34:20
Was it a Passover?
34:22
So you're just going in there and just breaking bread?
34:25
Well, like I said, I'm a little self-conscious about it.
34:26
So I want them to hear it.
34:28
And then eventually somebody's going to be like,
34:30
I got to ask this guy about this bread.
34:32
I'm really hungry.
34:33
And so they come by and they're like, Hey, do you have bread?
34:35
And they ask it, even though they know you have bread,
34:39
people normally just ask about your food as you have it.
34:42
And so, yeah, they asked me about it.
34:44
I'm like, Oh yeah, it's just bread that I made.
34:47
It's whatever.
34:48
And then I make them try it and give me feedback.
34:50
You make them try it.
34:52
I do.
34:52
You like you strap them to a chair.
34:54
Yeah.
34:54
There's a lot of violence involved.
34:56
A lot of different sleeper holds.
34:58
But it sounded like they came to you willingly and then you got violent.
35:01
Yeah, well, they were like, here's what happened.
35:04
Let me make an assumption.
35:05
You're in there breaking way overdone bread.
35:08
It's burnt extra crackly.
35:13
You're insecure about your bread making and it's warranted
35:16
because you're not good at it.
35:18
Very crisp.
35:19
Very crisp bread.
35:20
And these people are trying to study, read to their kids,
35:23
you know, what people do in libraries.
35:25
And they come to you, sir, please stop stepping on your loaves of bread.
35:29
Then you put them in a bull Nelson,
35:33
put them to sleep and they wake up in a chair strapped down.
35:36
You're like, have some of my cold bread.
35:38
Yeah, mostly, mostly correct.
35:40
I don't like them to go to sleep, though.
35:41
They have to live every moment of this.
35:43
So no passing out for them.
35:46
Make sure oxygen is keeping getting to their brain.
35:48
Oh, yeah.
35:48
It helps taste buds outside of that.
35:50
Yeah, they're kind of forced to like it because I make them.
35:54
And it is a consistency of croutons.
35:56
But all one hundred, one hundred percent five stars.
35:58
Yeah, yeah, yeah, out of fear.
36:02
A fear of your I don't know what this thing that's towing the line between bread and cracker.
36:09
It's bread and like coal.
36:11
It's like other than the fact that they have to wrap their heads around
36:15
that somebody is willing to do this in a library.
36:17
What are you threatening them with to make them give the five star?
36:20
Because there's no way the bread's five star.
36:22
The thing I'm threatening with is that they're not going to be able to do it.
36:26
The thing I'm threatening with is psychological torture.
36:29
OK, OK.
36:30
I've gone and researched what they're reading and I've read it already.
36:33
And then I start quizzing them on it and they feel unprepared.
36:37
Yeah.
36:37
So as they start like kind of fumbling, they're like, I can go back and read.
36:40
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:41
And then as they're doing that, just shove bread in their mouth.
36:44
You break them down mentally.
36:46
Yeah.
36:46
And then at that point, I'm threatening them with carbs.
36:49
So what I'm hearing is you go in here, you go into the library,
36:54
you read what they're reading, you probably way too close, look over their shoulder
36:58
and start reading what they're reading.
37:00
And they're like, can you flip the page?
37:02
I already read that page.
37:04
You turn it.
37:04
I've already read this.
37:06
And then, you know, so on and so forth.
37:08
And all of a sudden they're insecure over their intelligence.
37:11
And if it's a man, I bust out the peenware catalog.
37:13
Yeah, yeah.
37:14
You show two for one.
37:16
You really make some guys insecure of that.
37:18
So it sounds like it's not only physical torture, but at some point,
37:21
after you feed them enough bread, it's got to be a little bit of physical torture as well,
37:24
because that stuff has to wear down your teeth.
37:26
Yeah.
37:28
Yeah, man, they got some smooth molars after that.
37:33
It's like sandpaper on their teeth.
37:36
Yeah, it's like 10 years of just eating ice.
37:41
Oh, so how does it end?
37:42
So do you just leave kind of happy?
37:43
You just kind of leave like, oh, that success.
37:46
Yeah, I like really accomplished.
37:51
No, I yeah, I just give them like a little pamphlet and I say, hey,
37:54
make sure you check me out on like on on Google.
37:57
Give me a review.
37:58
Yeah, absolutely.
37:59
You know, tell your friends I'm very cordial and they just like kind of
38:02
run away very quickly and never go back to that library.
38:06
What's what's your bakery called?
38:08
Yeasty Yeasty
38:12
A plus products, A plus name.
38:15
Do you want to do an ad real quick for Yeasty while we're here?
38:17
I might as well get the.
38:18
Yeah, I mean, shout out to Yeasty, our sponsor for today.
38:22
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39:18
All right, Evan.
39:19
I know you probably were in the library today.
39:21
I was.
39:22
So lately I've been into airplanes and not in like an autistic way.
39:27
No, like you don't know the exact names of them.
39:29
Yeah, I don't know the names of any of them, really.
39:31
But I do have one special book that I haven't been researching in the library,
39:35
and it's airplane noises.
39:37
So I don't know the name of any of them, but I can identify them by their noises.
39:40
And you read the noises.
39:42
I think that's where we're all going.
39:44
So the special thing about this is you.
39:49
I've never heard any of the noises audibly.
39:52
I've only read them on the pages and then I try to mimic them out loud into the library.
39:57
Yeah, absolutely.
39:57
And of course, I have to do it as loud as I can.
40:00
It's an airplane.
40:00
It's going to be loud.
40:02
So I try to get it as realistic as possible.
40:04
So I try to read what's on the page as loud as I can.
40:07
And I can't check this book out, so I have to do it in the library.
40:10
Right, because you don't have a library card.
40:12
Right.
40:14
OK, so you've never seen a plane, apparently, according to you.
40:19
You've only read it in a book.
40:21
Do you think planes exist or are they kind of like a myth?
40:24
I've seen planes.
40:25
I've never heard a plane.
40:26
He doesn't know their names.
40:27
I don't know their names.
40:28
I don't.
40:29
I've never heard the noise of the plane, but I've read the noise of the plane on the book.
40:34
And then I've re-imitated that.
40:35
Right.
40:36
How have you seen a plane but never heard it?
40:38
It was over there.
40:39
OK.
40:39
I re-understand.
40:40
You've just never been close to an airport.
40:42
It was away, yeah.
40:44
Before you read that book, you were like, man, those are some really silent planes.
40:49
Yeah, I was like, I wonder, did those not make any noise?
40:53
Just for our listeners, could you maybe go through top three plane noises?
40:57
It's where it's the natural progression of this.
40:59
Of course.
41:00
And so I'm going to give you a couple of different plane types.
41:03
Sure.
41:04
And then you give me, are you more familiar with the plane noise?
41:06
Are you more of a commercial plane guy or you want more military?
41:09
What's your type?
41:10
I dabble in both, but I say primarily commercial.
41:13
You're a Renaissance man.
41:15
You do it all.
41:15
All right, so let's go classic first.
41:18
Boeing 747.
41:20
Oh, sure, sure, sure.
41:21
That's a lot of Ns.
41:22
A lot of U's in there too.
41:24
So it sounds a little something like this.
41:33
I don't think you're reading.
41:34
I don't think you're reading plane noises, right?
41:39
I see the words on the page.
41:41
I repeat them.
41:41
I think that's how I think that's how Alan sounded when he died within the colonoscopy.
41:46
All right.
41:47
Next one.
41:48
How about the Airbus A350?
41:50
Oh, the Airbus A350.
41:52
So they actually changed that from the 340 to the 350.
41:56
Oh, OK.
41:57
Fun fact, man.
41:57
That's a.
41:59
And the 350, they put a lot more peas in there.
42:02
Got you.
42:02
OK.
42:03
Starts a lot like the 747.
42:05
It goes.
42:13
It sounds like a Model T starting up.
42:15
Yeah, that's a problem.
42:16
They had faulty engines.
42:17
Got you.
42:18
Historically faulty.
42:19
Yeah.
42:21
You know a lot more about planes.
42:22
You said not autistic level of knowledge, but.
42:26
I could not tell you what they look like.
42:27
OK.
42:27
I could not point them out in the crowd.
42:29
Wait, wait.
42:30
Now you've gone back.
42:31
You said that you've only seen them, never heard them.
42:33
Now you say you've never seen them.
42:34
I've seen them.
42:35
I can't name them by what they look like.
42:38
I can only name what they sound like.
42:39
All right.
42:40
Last one here.
42:41
Gulfstream G650.
42:43
They actually only produced a couple of these.
42:45
So they're like, wait a minute.
42:51
Yeah, this is a this is one kind of in the back pages.
42:54
Oh, gotcha.
42:55
OK.
42:55
I don't have a lot of practice with these, but I'll give it my best.
42:57
Sure.
42:57
It goes a little something like this.
43:06
It sounded like a 1960s like UFO scene.
43:10
Yeah.
43:11
I mean, they had very cylindrical engines.
43:13
Sure.
43:14
So the acoustics of those were just a lot more high pitched.
43:18
Sounds like a Brachiosaurus.
43:20
Yeah.
43:20
Starting up.
43:23
Yeah, I bet that is interesting to be in the library
43:26
as you're just kind of going through this book of just plain noises.
43:30
It's a constant 30 minutes to an hour of pure Jubilee for me, really.
43:37
I'm in my element.
43:39
Big old grin.
43:41
I'm never more in my element than when I'm making airplane noises.
43:43
Yeah.
43:45
Do you maybe, you know, a lot of times libraries will have like a kid's reading
43:49
time where you can go and read a book to children, you know, kind of in a circle.
43:53
Is this something that you do?
43:54
Do you give back to the children by reading them this book?
43:58
No, I actually I've actually convinced the librarian to read it to myself
44:05
and the fellow children around me.
44:06
Oh, so you're sitting in a circle with them.
44:08
Yeah.
44:09
Fellow children?
44:09
Fellow.
44:12
Mentally, Evan is not anything above a nine year old.
44:15
Yeah, he hasn't graduated fifth grade up there.
44:18
What's up all my fellow kids?
44:20
So you convince a librarian to do it.
44:24
There's no way after hearing all the evidence before me and to the point where
44:29
you get the librarian to read the book in a circle for a trip, there's no way
44:33
that they don't think you are a special ed person.
44:39
They're doing this purely out of the goodness of their heart
44:42
for the sake of the special ed kids.
44:44
My man sitting cross legged in a circle with other kids.
44:48
Smiling and rocking back and forth.
44:50
At least two feet above the rest of them.
44:54
Happy as can be.
44:55
He goes around high fives everybody like he's pumped.
44:58
I look like Wilfred O'Neil.
45:02
Just innocent joy.
45:03
Are you often confused when the reading is finally done?
45:07
The voice of the librarian is shot and they're like, OK, Evan, go get on the short bus.
45:15
They're kind of like shuffling you and the other kids out.
45:20
You're like, why are these kids wearing helmets?
45:21
Are there no skateboards around?
45:24
You guys are really into the lights.
45:29
Where's my goldfish?
45:32
OK, so that makes a lot more sense.
45:35
It makes now that you put it like that, it makes a lot more sense.
45:39
No wonder you go to the library a lot.
45:41
It's catered to exactly what you want.
45:44
My wife actually sends me there.
45:45
It's like a small babysitting.
45:47
Yeah, she's got to go like, yeah, go run some errands.
45:50
Yeah, she let me drop him off.
45:51
Drop you off with your stupid Dora the Explorer backpack.
45:56
Your light up shoes and your happy disposition.
46:01
I think if you listeners don't understand that we are Estudious and the reason that we are so
46:06
smart is because we spend so much time in the library, especially Evan, he is always in the
46:11
library, then you missed who we are as a person.
46:14
But as we continue, let's take it down, guys.
46:16
Let's be a little more serious.
46:18
If you've listened to the beginning of this episode, you realize that one of our co-hosts,
46:23
Alan, who has been here for 40 episodes died like three hours ago.
46:31
It was so soon.
46:32
We're over it.
46:33
It was so soon.
46:35
So, you know, we're going to do a very special news segment.
46:40
We're going to honor Alan.
46:42
All right.
46:42
So even though Alan did die mere hours ago, I mean, his body's still warm.
46:47
Still twitches a little bit.
46:48
All rigmar is set in yet.
46:50
Evan has Alan's obituary that he's going to read.
46:55
And then, you know, we're going to maybe talk about Alan and keep his memory live for at least
46:59
another 15 minutes before we forget him.
47:01
So you want to go ahead and go to read his obituary, Evan.
47:03
Yeah, I got his obituary here out of the local newspaper.
47:07
It reads like this.
47:08
In the wake of Alan's departure, a subtle sense of relief mingles with the somber
47:13
acknowledgement of a life that played out in its own unique way.
47:17
Born some day that nobody's really sure of, Alan's presence, though undeniable,
47:24
often stirred a complex array of emotions.
47:27
For some, his departure marks the end of an era punctuated by interpersonal dynamics that
47:32
proved challenging.
47:34
While we extend condolences to those who may feel the weight of his absence, there exists
47:38
an undercurrent of relief for others who have found solace in the quiet aftermath.
47:46
As we navigate the delicate balance between empathy and personal boundaries, we recognize
47:51
the nuances that shape our perceptions of the relationships we share.
47:54
In bidding adieu to Alan, we reflect on the varied tapestry of sentiments woven into the
47:59
chapters of his life.
48:00
Wow.
48:01
And under it, under his obituary, it continues.
48:04
It gives us some fun facts about Alan's life.
48:06
So, you know, while we remember Alan and his life, his short but life too long,
48:17
what are some facts about our late friend, Alan?
48:20
The way that this journalist wrote this obituary, it does sound like they're kind of tired of
48:26
tracking down following his news stories and having to write about it.
48:30
So they do seem a little bit relieved.
48:32
I think we all are.
48:33
Yeah, it says down here, Alan actually only ever read one book in his life.
48:39
That was his birth certificate.
48:42
I'm not sure that's counted as a book.
48:44
That was a book.
48:45
To him, it was, apparently.
48:46
I don't know.
48:48
I don't know what you have to do for your birth certificate to be a book other than
48:52
to be birthed and rebirth over and over and over and over and over and over again.
48:56
That sounds like absolute hell.
48:57
And I think his mother is so happy that he died.
49:01
I think it also speaks to his illiteracy.
49:04
He thought it was a book because it was only five words.
49:07
He was like, it's too many words.
49:08
Was this the Constitution?
49:11
Normal people can't just do this.
49:15
Alan also wore many hats in his life, literally speaking.
49:18
He had a total of 92 hats in his estate sale.
49:21
And to make things weirder, each hat had a matching teddy bear doll with one of his
49:26
friends pictures on as the face.
49:28
There's no way Alan knew 92 people or a French 92 people.
49:31
He reused.
49:32
Oh, OK.
49:32
It was just the same three pictures.
49:36
It was just Evan's picture over and over and over again.
49:38
He had it on a schedule.
49:40
OK.
49:40
It's almost like a voodoo doll.
49:42
Yeah.
49:42
It also says down here in his obituary, Alan refused often to leave the bed when
49:48
he needed to go to the bathroom and would just kind of wet the bed and just kind of
49:52
sleep in it.
49:52
How did they know that?
49:53
Investigative journalism.
49:58
I mean, they probably can look at his mattress and go, there's some serious, serious stains
50:02
here.
50:02
Like he needed to he needed to drink more water because they are brown.
50:07
You could have stained his kitchen table with that.
50:10
That's how brown it was.
50:12
I remember one time we were checking out at the local Walmart and he saw one of those
50:17
Chaco Tacos in the freezer chest next to the the aisle.
50:25
And he just had a fit.
50:27
He supposedly had a phobia of Chaco Tacos.
50:30
He just kept saying, it's not natural.
50:33
It's not natural.
50:35
And then he had to leave the store because he's just so careful.
50:37
Yeah, he was he was so upset.
50:39
Yeah, he was a he was a taco traditionalist.
50:41
Yeah.
50:42
He had a conditioned fear of Mexican food and the frozen and really just Mexican people.
50:49
Yeah, he was.
50:50
It got to be to that point.
50:52
It wasn't a big I think it started with Latino person.
50:55
Yeah, he saw tacos like these people don't deserve to be across his border.
51:02
Oh, man, that racist.
51:05
Good thing he's not here to defend.
51:06
Yeah, I was going to say he's also a fun fact.
51:10
Also, a fun fact in the obituary, it says Allen had trouble drinking and often would
51:16
let the liquid dribble down the sides of his mouth only to then lap it up from the floor
51:22
like a dog that way.
51:23
It was embarrassing.
51:24
We caught that on Mike a couple of times.
51:26
Yeah, to cut that out.
51:28
Most people wouldn't realize this, but he actually lost his pinky in a woodworking accident.
51:34
And instead of getting that fixed or just leaving it all nubby,
51:37
he would each day cook a new hot dog and tape it to his hands.
51:42
And at the end of the day, he would toss it and start over the next day.
51:46
It was his little routine.
51:48
I always forget about that.
51:49
Yeah, you don't really.
51:50
He meant he molded it perfectly.
51:52
Yeah.
51:52
Or the rest of his fingers look like hot dogs.
51:58
Maybe that's a mold at all.
51:59
He just had the fat, chubby fingers.
52:02
You know, fun fact about Allen as well.
52:04
Every time you saw a picture, he actually thought the person in the picture was in the picture.
52:09
He didn't understand the fact that pictures were just a moment captured in time.
52:16
He was never that bright.
52:19
He also had issues with object permanence,
52:21
where he would close his eyes and freak out because he thought everybody disappeared.
52:25
And then immediately, just like a blink, open them and be satisfied again with the situation.
52:30
Yeah, I think he also really got into Harry Potter and how the pictures actually moved and
52:37
talked to you.
52:38
He knew they were all mocking him by not moving and talking to him.
52:41
He was going to catch him eventually.
52:44
Yeah.
52:45
He never really developed that in childhood, the whole object permanence thing.
52:49
He never got through it.
52:50
He'd turn around and go, where would everybody go?
52:52
Then turn right back around and be like, oh, there you are.
52:55
What a guy.
52:56
I mean, you want to do a moment of silence for him?
52:58
Because this is the last time we'll think of him, I'm sure.
53:01
Honestly, not really.
53:02
Oh, okay.
53:02
Well, you didn't earn it.
53:04
Okay.
53:04
Well, here's the thing.
53:06
Me and Perry will do a moment of silence.
53:08
You make plane noises through it.
53:09
Do you have a specific plan in mind?
53:11
Oh, I think I liked...
53:13
Do the P-51 from World War II.
53:16
You're making me dig back in the annals of history here.
53:18
Oh, don't call me an angel of history.
53:21
All right.
53:22
So let's go ahead and do a moment of silence for...
53:24
Hey, let's have the three-piece orchestra play while we do a moment of silence.
53:30
All right.
53:30
Here we go.
53:31
Ready?
53:31
The plane died just like Alan.
53:44
Wow.
53:45
Man, a solemn and serious note to leave on this episode, guys.
53:49
I hope people appreciate the gravity of the situation.
53:56
And they maybe only just think of Alan for the next two minutes as this episode ends.
54:02
I would not dwell on this.
54:04
Yeah, don't dwell on this for too long.
54:06
All right.
54:07
Well, as tradition, we'll do a one-liner wisdom.
54:09
What do you guys got?
54:11
Don't be a peeping Tom.
54:13
Be a peeing Tom.
54:15
Next to a guy that looks like he may be wearing a fur loincloth on their neck.
54:19
Neat.
54:19
A lot of layers of clothes.
54:21
You're just secretly just plugging your hobby here.
54:26
It's called wisdom.
54:27
Okay.
54:27
I live by it and I suggest others do as well.
54:32
What you got, Barry?
54:33
I know Alan's out there listening this somewhere.
54:36
Somewhere.
54:37
You know, like a little snake is.
54:40
If you never met him, he never had ears.
54:42
He just had holes.
54:43
Yeah, like Snape.
54:45
So this one goes out to him.
54:46
You can pee against the wall and it may splatter everywhere.
54:49
But if they pee into a urinal, no one's going to care.
54:54
That is true.
54:55
But as we leave on the solemn note, if you have a hypothetical you want to answer,
54:59
advice that you want from us, the wisest people on this planet.
55:04
If you need a fun fact about any subject ever, we are able to do that too.
55:09
Email in.
55:10
questionabledetourpodcast.gmail.com
55:13
But all right, guys, you want to be done?
55:14
Yeah.
55:14
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
55:15
One more will be closing in five minutes.
55:18
Please get all your items to the cash register.
55:20
I leave now?
55:21
I don't know.
55:22
What do you do with my clothes?
55:24
Hey, I dismiss you.
55:25
The bell does not.
55:30
Can you please pull down your loin cloth?
55:32
I can see all your bits.
55:33
I'm not impressed.
55:36
Should be.
55:38
You should.
55:39
This is this is your future.
55:41
This is who you were supposed to be.
55:44
Just tuck in bad boy.
55:45
We got another five hours.
55:47
Another five hours.