Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 300. Things We’ve Never Said Out Loud… Until Now 😢

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300. Things We’ve Never Said Out Loud… Until Now 😢 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the She Rises podcast. I'm Ashi. And I'm Tiana.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: We're going to laugh, cry, and talk about the topics
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level self.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Hello, everybody. Welcome back to She Rises, a Monday episode.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: We've got an interesting episode. I'm excited to get to
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: know you a little bit more, and I feel like
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: I know you pretty damn well. There's not a lot
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: that we don't share.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: It's very true.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: But sometimes it's just about asking different questions. So we've
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: got some really deep questions to ask each other today.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: But before we do, what's your share of the week?
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: My share of the week is actually a quote.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Oh, okay.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: Every initiation begins by taking something away. We imagine transformation
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: as gaining something, more knowledge, more power, more certainty. But
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: real change often starts with loss. An identity stops fitting,
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: a belief you depended on can no longer carry you,
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: and for a while, nothing replaces it. This is why
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: initiation rarely feels like initiation while you're inside of it.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: Because in the moment, it feels like failure. It feels
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: like disorientation. And it even feels like losing yourself. Only
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: later do you realize that something had to leave before
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: something else could grow.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: And I just like, it just really hit me. The
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: part of like often real change starts with loss.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: That's so true.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: And unfortunately, like even the biggest moments in my life
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: where I've changed the most have come from loss.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, or going through a really hard moment.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, really significant change. And it's like just a really
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: cool way to see that like, wow, it really is
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: such a necessary step and part of growth and part
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: of transformation. that you have to go through that. And
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: whatever you might be, quote unquote, losing in the moment,
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: it's like, it's happening for a reason. So true. And
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: that there's something on the other side that's going to
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: be birthed and, you know, one door closes, another door opens.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: And this is the journey to opening that next door.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: Absolutely. And the only way we actually learn is by
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: making mistakes. Like when people shame other people for making
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: mistakes or things not going to plan, it's like, that's
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: how we learn. It's how we grow as humans.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: Otherwise you literally stay the same person. Hindsight's a beautiful thing. Hey,
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: you always have to trust that you're going to get
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: to that hindsight point. But when you're stuck in the
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: mud and you're in the thick of it, it's so
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: hard to remember that. But it's something I remind myself
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: of all the time when I'm going through hard times.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: I'm like, in hindsight, I'm going to look back and go, wow,
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: that needed to happen. Thank you, universe, for having my back. Yeah, absolutely.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: What's your share of the week?
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: Mine's not silly, but just small. It was in our
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: accelerator chat when one of our girls that we coach
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: online was just feeling really overwhelmed with all of her life,
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: her life admin, her to-do list, kids, business, all the things.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: And I just suggested to her, and she said it
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: just made the biggest difference, was actually just brain dumping
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: all the things you need to get done. Once you've
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: brain dumped that onto paper, then make a list of
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: high priority down to low priority and then work away
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: at that. Because our brain can only hold so much information.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: And if we're not putting it down on paper and
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: making a plan, it's just like, that's where you get overwhelmed.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: You're stressed. You're trying to remember, or you're not double
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: booking yourself. When is that due? And it just gets
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: too much. But once you've got a list of all
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: of it out, you're like, okay, I'm not going to
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: forget anything. And now I've got my list of priorities,
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: like things I was stressing about. Maybe some of those,
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: I can actually wait for a couple of weeks. Whereas
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: there's some things that are super urgent and you get
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: to those first and you feel good they're ticked off.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: You just work away your list. I think it just
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: takes away the mental load and stress that you're going
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: to forget something or... that you've got so much on
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: your plate because sometimes you don't have as much as
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: what you think you do. Yeah.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: It just feels bigger in your head than it does
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: when you get it on paper. You're like, oh, that's
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: actually manageable.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So just a reminder, something so simple just to
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: create a list, a brain dump list, and then a
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: priority list, I think it would really help take some
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: mental load off some really busy gals, which I know
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: if you're listening, you're probably a busy gal.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: Definitely.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: You're ambitious. You're doing all the things. Absolutely. Just a
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: little tool that I've been using. Thank you for that.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: Appreciate that.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: All right.
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: Things that we've never said out loud.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: That's asking you first. So we've got a list of questions,
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: really deep questions. We're not going to get through them
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: all because there's quite a few here. So we thought
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: we'd pick out two or three that we can ask
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: each other. And this is a fun way we can
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: get to know each other more. You guys can ask
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: your friends this, ask yourself this, and also for you
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: guys to get to know us. We're pretty open books.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: But maybe we'll learn something about each other today that
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: we don't already know. I'll ask you a question and
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: you ask me a different question. Okay, go. Okay?
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: Let's do it.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: Oh, okay.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: Let me just have a little scroll through.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: Which one do I think?
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: Why did I suddenly get nervous?
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: I know.
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: No, seriously, though. We talk about this all the time
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: around constantly being curious.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: And always being willing to ask deeper questions.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: What childhood experience do you think still influences the way
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: that you love, react, or protect yourself today?
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: So the first thing that comes to mind is an
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: experience that I had with one of my older siblings.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: Our family is quite close.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: And we have always kind of moved as like one unit.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: Like there's so many of us, there's like seven of
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: us in my immediate family. And my eldest sister, I'm
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: one of five. She was quite young and got into
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: a relationship with an older man. And I think they
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: have like almost a 30 year age gap. So as
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: you know, it does come with the challenges of her
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: being quite young and all that sort of stuff. And
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: there were some things that kind of happened in that dynamic.
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: Eventually we became estranged from her for about 12 years
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: because of this relationship and some things that happened obviously
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: within that dynamic. And There are always two sides to
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: every story. But, you know, the dynamic between my parents,
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: her and her new partner, there were just some issues
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: and things like that. And then, yeah, we became estranged
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: for quite some time. And I think that still now
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: shows up for me in how I protect myself of
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: what I think is right versus what is not right
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: in an intimate relationship.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: And what to kind of look out for in an
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: intimate relationship. So I think from quite a young age,
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: I think I was 11 when this happened.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: Wow, you're young.
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: So from 11, I was exposed to some things of like,
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: unhealthy relationship dynamics and like perceived brainwashing and like things
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: like that that kind of happened in the dynamic of
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: what it looked like was happening yeah from then I
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: kind of just had a preconceived notion of like what
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: can happen in intimate relationships and how they can turn
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: either good or bad yeah and so I would say
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: that even now when I'm looking for partners and stuff
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: like that I look for certain behaviors because of that
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: relationship and things that I don't want for myself in
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: my relationship.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: Sounds like it's benefited you do you think there's any
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: negatives to it as well Or it's all like positive
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: because it's made you go, okay, I can really see
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: what I do and don't want, which is a great thing.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: That's a great question. I think that there's a lot
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: of positives, but it also has made me very mistrusting
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: in men.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I see.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: Because I think it's like something I need to fear
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: and like, oh, look out for this and be careful
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: of this.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: You've seen it's possible.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: Be careful of them being controlling and like becoming financially
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: abusive and like not having any freedom and all that
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: sort of stuff. So I think like given from that standpoint,
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: I think, It's frustrating to have seen that from a
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: young age because whilst it has benefited me, it also
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: has made me distrusting in men's intentions because I saw
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: it quite young. That becomes conditioning, right? And then that
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: becomes in my head of like, oh, this can happen
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: because men have this intention. So I think over the years,
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: I've really had to undo that level of conditioning and
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: train myself to learn how to trust men again, plus
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: also my own personal experiences not trusting men. Learning that, like,
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: the right men have great intentions and that they're safe
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: and trusting and that I can rely on them and
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: lean on them without, yeah, being conditional. That's beautiful. Yeah. Yeah.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Pros and cons to everything, hey. Absolutely. I just wanted
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: to hear, like, both sides.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Because it has been some things you've said over the
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: years and I'm like, oh. I didn't think about that
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: at men because I haven't been exposed to that level.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: And I'm sure there's been similar things with my stepdad
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: that you're like, oh, whoa, he did what? 100%. Yeah,
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: so it's just cool to hear other people's stories and
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: the way they view things. But conditioning from a young age,
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: you can see how it can really fuck you up
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: in a way.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, 100%. And I would love to share more, but
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: it's also like not my story to share as well.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: That's beautiful context though.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, how much I feel like I want to share.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: No, that's beautiful context. It still gives a good understanding
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: about it.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you for sharing. Okay, my turn.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah. What truth about your life have you known for
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: a long time but haven't been ready to face?
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: Father stuff comes to the surface. Yeah. But I feel
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: like I do face it. Like I feel like I
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: grieve it, long for it of not having a father
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: or a dad.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: What part of not having your dad in your life
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: still impacts you today?
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: I think worthiness and abandonment and rejection wounds. Yeah. If
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: my own father didn't want me, like who would want me?
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: And he's biologically made me. He's created me. He saw
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: me as a baby. Like I just can never fathom
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: walking away from something I created and it's my responsibility
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: to keep alive. So I think that always shows up
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: for me. Like if he can leave, anyone can leave.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: Like anyone can leave. So I think I always have
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: that niggle that like nothing's forever.
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: What do you think that you've done more recently to
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: kind of turn that belief around if you've done anything
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: around that?
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: Trust. Just surrender.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: And I think as you grow older and even become
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: a parent myself, like I could never walk away from
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: my children like he has. I also believe that everyone's
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: having their own experiences and I still to this day
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: don't know what he was experiencing and what he was
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: going through. And I might not ever understand that. And
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: even if I tried to understand it, probably still wouldn't
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: understand it. So it's like a level of acceptance of
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: letting go. There's nothing I can do about it. It's
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: like a full moment of acceptance. If I don't accept this,
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: I'm going to push against it and always believe the
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: story that I'm not worthy of being loved and I
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: don't want to live like that. Yeah. but I'd be
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: lying if I said it doesn't pop in. It's like
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: a wound that gets scratched. It's not bleeding out everywhere,
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: but it gets scratched sometimes. But I think there'll always
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: just be a part of me that's sad. There's a
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: sadness in my little girl, my inner child, and as
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: an adult that I never get to experience. I saw
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: this video the other day and I was just bawling
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: my eyes. It was so beautiful. When I talk about
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: dad stuff, there's not one part of me that's jealous
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: in a yucky way. It's a happiness. Even our PA, Ash,
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: I went to her wedding. She had Not only her dad,
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: but her stepdad walk her down the aisle. I was blubbering.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: So he was like, babe, pull it together. Here's a
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: fucking tissue. But the fact that two men brought her
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: up and two men are there on her wedding day,
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: I was like, I could not be more happy for her.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: It was so beautiful. And this video the other day
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: was like, I grew up with the greatest dad, so
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: I named myself after him and it's the video of
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: her dad walking into the hospital room and he's all
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: excited the baby and then she tells him that she's
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: named him after him and he like drops to the
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: ground and balls his eyes and hugs and I'm just
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: like wow like so happy for her and also just
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: like so sad I'm like wow I don't have any
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: moments of joy experiencing what it's like to have a
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: dad or a father, that male figure that I can
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: turn to, like that's always just sad for me. I
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: love seeing the relationship Tala and Steve have because she
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: just loves him so much and you can tell she
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: just feels so safe around her. Oh, my gosh, so much.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: Healing and nice, but I think no matter what my age,
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: there'll always be that little part of me that's like,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: I don't want to say victim, but kind of that
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: sucks that I get to experience that.
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: It's what you want.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: When somebody gets to call their dad and ask for
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: advice or help me with my car, I'm like, just
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: sadness there.
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: But also part of your journey as well.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I wouldn't be who I am without those experiences.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: I know everyone throws that around, but it is really true.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: I'd still like to interview him for the podcast. I
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: want to come on so I can ask you some questions.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: If you're listening.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: If you're listening. We'll pull up at the chair. Yeah. Literally,
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I don't want to open that can
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: of worms. Yeah. He probably is not going to give
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: me the answers I want. Yeah. I don't know. I've
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: only heard my mom's side of the story. My mom's
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: in a beautiful job. She's never spoken really badly about him.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: She's never like put him down or made up a bad,
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: horrible story. She said, I don't think he was ready
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: for kids.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Responsibility of it. Then I'm also like, okay, you went
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: on to marry and took on three daughters that weren't
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: your own. So I'm like, is there more to this story?
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah. What else is there? There's got to be more there.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: And it's true.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: You don't know until you ask the question.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: I think maybe that would be hard as I imagine
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: in your position would be hard. It's like the open loop.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: Like not being able to have certainty or understanding. Absolutely.
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: Because I feel like you're a very understanding person.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: So like, If he had come to you and been like, hey,
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: I actually sat you down and told you about his story,
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: you'd be like, I can understand that as a human
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: to human.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: I read it the other day that one of Sagittarians'
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: biggest peeves is not being able to close a loop. Yeah.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: That'll do it. That'll do it.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: That makes sense.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Thank you for sharing.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: You're welcome. Your turn. If you removed everyone else's expectations
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: of you, what would you actually want your life to
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: look like? Ooh. And if you could expand on that,
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: would you show more of you? Like is there parts
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: of you that like hide because of other people's expectations
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: or you want to be presented as a certain way?
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: I don't know if I have a vision of like
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: what it would look like, but the word that like
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: comes to my head that's in like big bold writing
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: is like free. Just free. I think it's a big
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: thing for me and I feel that what comes to
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: mind almost is like to travel– To be able to
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: like live overseas and do like a stint overseas.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Do you think there's people's expectations of stopping you from
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: doing that now? I would say more commitments, not expectations necessarily.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: I would say commitments and things that I have chosen
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: to commit to that stopped me from being able to
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: do that, which is fine. I love what I'm doing,
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: but it's also like there is a part of me
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: that does think like I would love to experience this
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: for a season of my life. And I think because
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: I'm in a season where I don't have any children
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: and I don't have a husband or You know, I'm
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: not in that season of my life.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: I've been holding you back. Yeah, it's kind of like
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: I want to experience that while I have the freedom
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: to be able to do that before I feel settled,
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: you know.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I encourage you to do that. It makes it
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: a lot harder when you've got kids.
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I think like that definitely sits in the
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: back of my mind. A realisation that I've had recently
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: is that like I hold back at how firm I
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: stand on certain things and I realise that I've been
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: quite not wishy-washy but kind of like dancing around what
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: I believe, why I believe in it and why I
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: have a strong stance on it. And I think for
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: quite some time now, I felt like I needed to
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: either explain to people why I have that stance or
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: tiptoe around it so it doesn't piss off too many people.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: And I just feel like as I get stronger in myself,
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: I'm realizing that I actually.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: Don't give a fuck.
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: I do give a fuck because I'm not still saying
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: it in the way that I would like to where
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: I will have that pushback. But I'm getting to the
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: point where I'm not feeling as scared to voice certain things,
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: to own certain things. I don't care that people are
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: going to push back so much now. But like three
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: years ago, even a year ago, six months ago, I'd
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: be like, oh, let's like not upset anybody.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: Yes. Ruffle the feathers too much.
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: Getting to that point where I'm like not worrying so
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: much about upsetting people as opposed to actually doing what
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: is right for me. So I definitely think on social media,
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: like I definitely don't show as much of my personality.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: There's a fine balance. I believe there are two reasons
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: why I believe this happens is like a part of
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: like who I think I need to be on social media.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: And then a part of me being like not everybody
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: deserves to see all sides of me until they've earned it.
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: So I think there's like a balance of those two things.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: where I think it's like a privilege to see like
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: the more vulnerable sides of myself and I think that
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: people earn that right to see that part of me
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: when they've proven that they can reciprocate that to me
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: and then on the other end of that there's definitely
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: like a thing of me feeling like I need to
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: show up on social media a certain way also this
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: part of like I want to have an online presence
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: but I also want to have a very private life
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: as well so I dance between that of like putting
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: on social media what I need to do in order
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: for my business and then living a completely private life.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: More from a business standpoint.
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: It's more of a business standpoint than it is like a,
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: I want to show you ins and outs of every
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: part of my life. I'm realizing more and more that like,
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: I don't necessarily want that. And like on the podcast,
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: different story, I like happy to share all the things.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: But like when it comes to like my immediate social
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: media and for my business page, I'm like I share
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: what I need to and then that's it.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: I want to move offline. And your business isn't based
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: off like a personal brand. No. It's like poaching.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: That's my answer.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: That's cool. Nice.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: If you knew you only had one year left, what
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: would devastate you to realize that you'd spent too much
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: time worrying about?
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: Probably two things. One, whether I was like a good
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: enough mum. I believe I'm a really good mum, but
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: the times that I'm wobbly or like snap at them
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: or have a bad day, I really like drown in
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: shame in that and guilt. It's really that just to
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: like be more proud of myself that, you know, 90%
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: of the time I show up in a way I'm
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: really proud of. And then obviously just social media, trolls,
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: people that I don't really care about or don't value
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: their opinion or would never go to for advice. but
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: have impact when it gets noisy. Yeah, like those two.
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: So if you say, hypothetically, you got given, knock on wood,
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: this doesn't happen, you got given like a timeline of
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: like you have three months left. In those two scenarios,
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: how would you see yourself and what would you tell
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: yourself to move through those?
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: I would just share my whole journey. I'm opposite to you.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: I would share openly everything I'm going through to help
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: other people and like fully open up my whole life and, yeah,
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: Not give two fucks what anyone thinks because it's like
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be dead in three months' time anyway,
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: so I don't care. Like, you think you can hurt me?
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to be here to watch my kids
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: grow up. Nothing you can say can hurt me.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: You know? Yeah. So I'd open everything up. And then
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: I think the stuff that I probably, like, get upset
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: with my kids that I just wouldn't give a fuck
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: about either. Not important. I've got three months left with you.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to soak up every single moment and
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: the things I'd normally get upset about, I don't think
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: I would give any energy to.
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: Can you give me, like, a couple of examples for
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: each child to, like, say, two fatale, two fatage? Things
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: that you would just be like, oh, this is not
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: a thing. Like, why am I even worrying about this?
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: I suppose both of them just leaving mess out, not
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: worth it. Like, oh, they just get more messy with you. Like,
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: what the house looks like doesn't really matter, I suppose.
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: Whereas right now, a clean house helps my mental health,
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: so it is important to me right now, but if
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: I was dying... I don't think I'd be worried about
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: my mental health about mess. That's true. I'd just be
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: wanting to be in the moment and enjoy every moment.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: Maybe I wouldn't get as anxious if she's going to
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: like wake up during the night because I probably want
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: more time with her. Yeah. Whereas now this year has
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: been a really heavy season for me. So getting up
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: during the night for her gives me anxiety because I'm
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: so tired and I already have lost so much sleep
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: that like day-to-day tasks have felt really hard. Yeah. Let
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: alone doing extra. So like nights that feel anxious to me,
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: she's going to wake up like every night. I'm just like,
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: Please get a full night's sleep. But that, if I
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: was dying, I would probably want more time with her.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: So I'd probably sleep with both kids every single night.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't care if they woke up. They're just little
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: things like that.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: Cool to like inquire, you know?
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah. But I think both are relevant.
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: I don't think, oh, I'd change how I live right now.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: Because like I said, the clean house for me does
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: help my mental health.
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: So that is important to me right now. And it's
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: also teaching them to take responsibility for their mess. But
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: if I'm dying, my priorities change. Yeah. My views on
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: things change.
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think there's different things to focus on if
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: you've only got a couple of months left to live.
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, beautiful.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah. What pattern do you keep repeating even though you
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: know it hurts you?
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: Not trusting my intuition.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of females will relate to that.
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, not trusting my intuition. I think I can be
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: really good at playing devil's advocate in my brain and
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: it's like two sides of me often want two completely
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: different things. I can blame it on being a Gemini
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: or maybe I'm just indecisive or maybe I just want
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: a multitude of different things all at once, which- Hello,
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: walking contradiction. I think not trusting my intuition when like
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: I know the answer of a situation, but I'm not
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: doing it out of fear. And then I question myself
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: in those moments and I go, is this intuition or
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: is this fear? When like a part of me deep
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: down knows that it's intuition, but I'm fearful of making
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: the wrong choice. So valid. And I think that even
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: played out in like my last relationship where probably from
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: like two months in, my intuition was screaming at me,
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: but I stayed for over a year. So it was
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: like all of that time I questioned and I battled
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: with my intuition. I was like, you know, made every
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: excuse under the sun to like disprove what my intuition
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: was trying to tell me.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: Like find reasons as to why that wasn't true for
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: me and why some other reason was true.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: It was like I always gave myself an out to
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: not believe in myself and not to think that my
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: intuition is right. But I think it does stem from
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: in the past making decisions where I'm like, I haven't
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: trusted myself. Or maybe I didn't make a good decision
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: and then it created mistrust in myself.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah.
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: So because I had that little crack with myself before,
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: it's like, okay, well, is this decision a good one?
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: And can I trust myself to make the right decision
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: for me? So I think definitely something that still shows
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: up for me is like not trusting it the moment
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: that I hear it. It's like I wait six months
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: or give myself time and question myself for that period
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: of time before I actually decide what I know to
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: be true and what I knew to be true from
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: the beginning.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's hard sometimes, isn't it?
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: It's so funny.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: You can know, but actually doing the hard thing.
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: That.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: Different ball games. It's like to actually do the hard thing,
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: even though you know it's the right thing, it's very hard.
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: Not acting on my intuition is probably the better language.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: That makes sense.
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: Because it's like, I trust my intuition.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: You know she's right.
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: Do I act on it is another story.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I see.
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: I have to check. I like to check. I'm like, oh,
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: is this the right decision? Am I making it for
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: the right reasons or not? And then sometimes it's just
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: fear and I'm just like not ready to make the decision.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Which are human and all of that.
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: Which frustrates me also.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: Yes. Yeah.
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: I said the other day, like, imagine being the woman
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: who actually decides on her intuition the moment that she
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: feels it.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: And I was like, wow, I wonder how different my
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: life would look if that were the case.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: You know, like.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: What would change? Yeah.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: Scary sometimes, isn't it? Yeah. Intuition's always right. I feel
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: like when we don't listen to it, it's so strong.
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: And when we don't listen to it, something always happens.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: We're like, oh, If I just listened three months ago,
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't be in this fucking situation.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: Every time.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: But then hindsight, it's like, okay, well, I had to
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: go through that because now I've learned that.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: Yes. Every time though. Yeah.
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: Every time. Okay.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: What loss have you experienced that you don't think that
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: you ever properly grieved?
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: Probably the dad stuff. But then this thing that comes
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: up more like recently is probably Rambo passing. I tried to,
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: but then I just found myself like distracting or pushing
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: to the side or numbing out in other ways because
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: I just I couldn't face it. Yeah. Yeah. And I
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: was even going to get support. I looked into it
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: and then I hesitated and I was like, oh, that's
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: not the right person. I just made all these excuses
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: to not get support. Almost like not consciously, but I
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: think looking back, I told myself that I shouldn't need
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: support because it's not my son. And I just wanted
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: to support the people that it directly impacted. Yeah. So
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: I think I gave myself enough permission to fully grieve that. Yeah.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah. What would that look like if you were to
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: give yourself a mission degree? Would you still get support?
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think I'd get support and probably do a
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: lot more somatic ceremonies and just be held in a
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: different way to help my body energetically move through it
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: and feel it more.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: Like less talk therapy, more somatic.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: More somatic, yes. Yeah, because I think I spoke about it,
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: but it just sits there. Yeah, actually feel through all
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: of it.
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah. It's a heavy season.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. I hope you guys enjoyed that episode. It
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: was quite vulnerable and open. It makes you think deeper,
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: doesn't it? It definitely does. It brings up the feels.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: I'm like, ah, I'm sweating. Is it hot in here
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: or am I just sweating?
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: It's definitely hot in here.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: I'm sweating too. Should I put deodorant on?
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: No, it is.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: It's good.
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: And we just, yeah, I hope you enjoyed this episode.
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: And honestly, we just wanted to have conversation around some
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: of the things that we don't always bring up in
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: everyday conversation. Maybe we do behind the scenes, but maybe
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: not in front of you guys. So we wanted to
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: invite you to have those deeper conversations with yourself and
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: your friends and be willing to ask questions And always
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: stay curious no matter how long you've been in a relationship,
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: how long you've been friends for. Yeah. Always diving deeper
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: and always digging for more.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah. More.
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: More friendship.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: More connection.
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: More vulnerability.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: More love. All right, guys. Thanks for joining us. We'll
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: see you in the next one.
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: Bye. Bye.