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When Fear Calls the Shots: Breaking the Cycle · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for May 14, 2026 When fear calls the shots,
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  breaking the cycle of avoidance.
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  Another reason we fail to make the right choices in our marriage is fear.
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  This is an issue, especially with regards to making changes or pushing our spouse for change.
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  Fear of failure is one version of this. Doing nothing seems safer than trying
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  and finding out that you can't, or your spouse won't.
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  As long as you don't make the effort, you don't have to face the possibility it can't be fixed.
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  This leads to a kick-the-can-down-the-road attitude that allows a problem to
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  grow This makes it harder to resolve the problem when you finally feel you must
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  It's also possible the problem will grow too big for you Or your spouse will
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  get tired of it and withdraw emotionally or seek a divorce If you realize you've been doing this,
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  please get help If a friend's encouraged but it's not enough,
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  get some other form of third-party help The fear of change can be a powerful
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  fear This fear keeps us doing things we know don't work,
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  It can also cause us to fight our spouse about making good, needed changes.
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  We may cling to negative situations because they're predictable and take a familiar
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  misery over a foreign hope.
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  Part of this is about a desire to be in control.
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  Change is new and unpredictable, and we don't know how or if we can control something new.
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  While some fears are internal, others are driven by the reaction of our spouse.
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  This is most evident when anger becomes a weapon. The fear of their spouse getting
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  angry keeps people from confronting something very wrong that needs to change.
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  The spouse in the wrong is using anger to avoid the conversation,
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  and it's very much intentional.
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  It might not have started that way, but when they learn that their anger means
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  they can keep the issue at bay, it becomes their go-to tactic.
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  Doing this is not just wrong, it's abusive.
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  Once fear of anger has taken hold, it's difficult to move forward.
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  If you try to push past the anger, your spouse will probably escalate their
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  anger to keep you in control.
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  You will most likely need help to make progress. At the very least,
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  you will need encouragement to get past your fear and confront your spouse.
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  Getting your spouse to a third party is the best option. They will likely refuse.
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  That leaves you with two choices, live with it or give an ultimatum.
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  I'll cover those options on Saturday.
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  This is Paul and fear derails doing marriage well.