Latest / Three Rebel Souls / Episode 12 - People Pleasing

Transcript

Episode 12 - People Pleasing · Three Rebel Souls

• 0:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Here we go.
• 0:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Let's go.
• 0:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Ow.
• 0:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's funny.
• 0:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: What's up, guys?
• 0:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: We're back.
• 0:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hello.
• 0:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hello, ladies.
• 0:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: How are we?
• 0:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: We are, well- You know the drill.
• 0:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 0:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 0:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: I...
• 0:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: No, I'm good.
• 0:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm, I'm having a good day.
• 0:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: I listened to music all day long.
• 0:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was dancing, folding laundry, like, you know, cooking, washing dishes, dancing all day.
• 0:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Nice.
• 0:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 0:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, except for the, you know, the smoke.
• 0:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, that's annoying, and I hope it moves before the weekend 'cause, you know, it's blocking my sun.
• 0:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Fucker.
• 0:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 0:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Can't these things happen in the winter when I don't care?
• 0:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Canada's on fire- but we are mostly concerned about the beach day.
• 0:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: If anybody that knows me knows that I hate when my sun is blocked.
• 0:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Even if you're standing in front of me, I'm like, "Can you move?
• 0:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're blocking my sun."
• 0:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, we're off to a great start.
• 0:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um.
• 0:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: She's like, "Sorry your country's on fire."
• 0:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm so, I'm so sorry.
• 0:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Wind, blow it a different direction.
• 1:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because it's blocking my sun.
• 1:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 1:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Thank you.
• 1:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 1:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: The hell?
• 1:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: How are you two doing?
• 1:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Undecided.
• 1:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, no, I'm just...
• 1:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: I am, uh- Oh I am I have done, I have attempted, I shouldn't say I've done 'cause that sounds like I've been successful.
• 1:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: I've attempted too much tax- task switching today- Mm and my brain is tired.
• 1:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 1:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: But, like, my, my body is not, but just my brain is tired, so Hopefully we can still string together some coherent thoughts tonight.
• 1:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: That would be great.
• 1:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh.
• 1:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't doubt that for a second.
• 1:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: We'll do our best.
• 1:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: And how much fun will it be if you can't?
• 1:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: We'll just tease you relentlessly.
• 1:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: More general fuckery, you know?
• 1:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right, exactly.
• 1:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right on.
• 1:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: How about you, Sloane?
• 1:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hmm.
• 1:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: I haven't thought about it.
• 1:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Good, I guess.
• 1:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, my kiddo is here having EC issues, so- Oh they spent the night with their little one, their little harvest kitty, my grandchild that I don't get to see anymore.
• 2:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Aw.
• 2:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, so that's been fun.
• 2:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: And yeah, just work and stuff.
• 2:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Nothing.
• 2:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Things are good.
• 2:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: I have a new mantra about irritating- Share people and/or situations, which is, um, "Is this important enough to put in my cup?"
• 2:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 2:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or to take up space in my cup.
• 2:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Ooh.
• 2:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: I like that.
• 2:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so far it's pretty effective, I can say.
• 2:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Plus, I'm treating myself like I treat my dogs, right?
• 2:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: So when I start getting irritated I'm like, "I love you."
• 3:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Aw.
• 3:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's what I say to them when they're irritating me.
• 3:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're so cute.
• 3:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: I love you.
• 3:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 3:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, right.
• 3:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Lucky.
• 3:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, you're lucky you're cute.
• 3:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: I feel like I need to get that mantra tattooed, like, on my forearm where I can see it 100,000 times a day.
• 3:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, is this important enough to take up space in my cup?
• 3:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 3:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: And the answer 99% of the time would be no.
• 3:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 3:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 3:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: I could use that one while driving.
• 3:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: I li- Good call.
• 3:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Gonna put that, gonna put that on my dashboard.
• 3:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, right.
• 3:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: With a clear film just so you can read the letters.
• 3:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 3:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's not obstructing your view.
• 3:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Just look up.
• 3:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: If you had the, one of those fancy cars you could have it display on the windshield, right?
• 3:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- That's what I'll do.
• 3:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'll make it the screensaver on my- In- CarPlay.
• 3:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Instead of your...
• 3:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: When you honk your horn it doesn't honk your horn- No, you press a button it pops up on the screen.
• 3:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: "Is this important enough to take up space in my cup?"
• 3:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 3:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Don't honk.
• 3:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 3:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, man.
• 4:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well- All right.
• 4:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: This, it has been zero days since our last nonsense.
• 4:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 4:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: If you know that, if you know, you know the reference.
• 4:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, man.
• 4:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: All right.
• 4:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, the topic for today is people pleasing.
• 4:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, it's a big one.
• 4:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I'm just gonna get right into it with the questions.
• 4:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- Okay, dive in.
• 4:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm gonna just dive in.
• 4:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: So when did you first realize you were people pleasing?
• 4:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Was there a moment or was it something that you recognized over time?
• 4:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Anyone?
• 4:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Bueller?
• 4:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I, I was gonna talk and then Erica looked like she was gonna talk, and then so I stopped, and then she's like, "No, I'm not gonna say anything."
• 4:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, um, there was not a specific moment at all.
• 4:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm like, when did I realize I'm a people pleaser?
• 4:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, it, it was so slow and gradual- Mm that it was more like- It just still, it doesn't even feel like it was a realization.
• 5:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Do you know what I mean?
• 5:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, it was more an understanding of m- about myself.
• 5:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Does that make sense?
• 5:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, I can't even pinpoint, like, the moment when I first even heard the term or the definition of people pleasing, because I don't think I would've, like...
• 5:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: There would've been no way for me to identify it or articulate it before I learn- before I, like, had the language for it.
• 5:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 5:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I, but I think I can say with a fair bit of certainty that once I learned, there were very many, like, "Oh, shit" moments, right?
• 5:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 5:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, "Oh, I've...
• 5:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, and that time that I did that thing or I said that thing, or how I used to do this all the time."
• 5:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, there was probably a lot of, like, reflection and trying to figure out why that pattern was there for me.
• 6:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, where did I learn that?
• 6:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Where did I pick that up?
• 6:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: How did I- Mm like, how was it reinforced, right?
• 6:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I don't like, while there was definitely like one specific moment where there was the first time I saw it on paper and I was like, "Oh, shit."
• 6:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: But, but then there were like 1,000 other oh shits after that, you know what I mean?
• 6:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 6:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, still.
• 6:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 6:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: I I don't, um...
• 6:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, I don't think there was a first time I realized I was a people pleaser.
• 6:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think on some level I knew I was people pleasing, but it's funny because I could recognize it in other people.
• 6:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 6:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Just not in myself.
• 6:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Say more about that.
• 6:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh.
• 6:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: I could just pi- I could just recognize it in other people.
• 6:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, they were doing something, I'm like, "Oh, they're people pleasing," right?
• 7:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: But like, it was more like surface level people pleasing.
• 7:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: It wasn't like, you know, when it goes a little deeper, because obviously then I realized that it was me.
• 7:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think, I think when I realized, and I think I knew on some level, because I always felt uncomfortable, but did it anyway- Mm um, whatever it was.
• 7:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, um, but I think I really realized- How much I people-pleased was Once I got divorced Yeah Right?
• 7:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because then that's, that's really, like, right, going through that process is when I really started to look within and be more, um, introspective and self-reflective.
• 7:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then that's when I was like, "Oh, shit.
• 7:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm a people pleaser, and I didn't even know it."
• 7:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it's funny how, yeah, again, recognizing it in other people, but, um, not myself deep- you know, on, on a, on a much deeper level I think the title of this episode needs to be, "Oh Shit, I'm a
• 8:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: People Pleaser."
• 8:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 8:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 8:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: That probably is better.
• 8:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, shit.
• 8:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: So do you think that is something that you learned growing up or something that developed later in life?
• 8:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think it was definitely a learned behavior And like, this is funny.
• 8:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't, I don't know if I've ever tried to like pinpoint the exact origins of my people-pleasing tendencies.
• 8:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um I think it was, it's because it was, like, reinforced, right?
• 8:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 8:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, being, being flexible and being accommodating and being adaptable was, like, praised.
• 8:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, and I think I always had Well, I probably didn't always have, but somewhere along the way I learned that hypervigilance of, like, always scanning and trying to be aware of, like, cues in the room and figure out
• 9:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: how I could control the temperature of the room.
• 9:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Do you know what I mean?
• 9:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 9:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, I feel like similar to that, the hypervigilance piece, mine is like kind of like a split thing.
• 9:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I feel like part of it is my being a highly sensitive person.
• 9:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 9:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: I didn't like people being upset.
• 9:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 9:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 9:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because that hurt my heart to know that I had upset them, so I didn't even see it as people pleasing.
• 9:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: But the other half was definitely more of a survival thing.
• 9:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Right how can I make sure I'm safe?
• 9:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: I have to keep them happy, right?
• 10:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I, right.
• 10:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I, I think I constantly, like, justified the The sacrifices maybe, or like the accommodations, because I thought that I was helping.
• 10:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I feel like in a way that was I hate to say it this way because I don't wanna glamorize it, but it was, like, weirdly empowering to feel like you could- Mm help people feel better all the
• 10:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: time.
• 10:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, absolutely.
• 10:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so I sort of, like, wore that as a badge of honor, and I don't...
• 10:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, so when you say, like, was it something you learned?
• 10:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Was it, like, when did you first realize you were doing it?
• 10:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: I realize it all in retrospect- Yeah because I would've thought that it was a positive behavior most of my life because I was the helper, right?
• 10:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I was the, I was the, the one who was always trying to, like, kind of control the situation.
• 10:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: And in retrospect, I realize how much of an impact that had on me and how unhealthy that actually was and how it contributed to, like, other unhealthy relationship dynamics.
• 11:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 11:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I feel like, I mean, for me it's obvi- definitely learned.
• 11:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I feel also, you know, I mean, I don't wanna say just women, but women definitely are taught that a lot, but men too, right?
• 11:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's just, it just plays out differently.
• 11:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, I was gonna say that before.
• 11:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: I feel like it ties right into all the things we've talked about with conditioning.
• 11:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 11:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 11:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's definitely conditioned, and it's, a- and I, I feel like everyone's conditioned.
• 11:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's some people...
• 11:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think that some people just learn to have boundaries, and maybe n- might not people please or might give in to some things less than others.
• 11:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: But, like, a true people pleaser just isn't gonna have any.
• 11:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: I feel like, I, I feel like I was taught to not have any boundaries.
• 11:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I was, always had to do and put everyone before me, and- It's just easier to go along with it.
• 12:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's just easier to not ask questions.
• 12:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's just easier to, you know, to- It is, but it never felt good.
• 12:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: N- no.
• 12:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: It did not- And- feel good but the, but the language, the way that it was reinforced- Mm-hmm 'cause that's what I was saying, like, you receive, like, praise for it because you're, you know- I guess you're k- it's
• 12:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: like you're the sacrificial lamb, but, like, but you're, like, making these accommodations so as not to rock the boat.
• 12:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it's by not asking questions or challenging it or having boundaries- Yeah you're making everyone else's lives easier, and of course I don't wanna be a burden.
• 12:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's, like, the last thing I wanna be, right?
• 12:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, we've talked a lot about that and, like, the struggle to ask for help, the, like, the one who's always reliable but could never rely on anybody.
• 13:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 13:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm just, I'm just trying to think about, you know, you're saying, like, you get rewarded for it, and I'm sitting here thinking, like, I don't feel like I was ever rewarded for it.
• 13:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I don't- Ah, I was praised for it.
• 13:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 13:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, praised.
• 13:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: There was no- That's the word you used, yeah, praised.
• 13:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't- Yeah feel like I was.
• 13:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh.
• 13:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: It was just more like that's what you have to do, right?
• 13:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: For me, it was always more, uh- It was the expectation.
• 13:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 13:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 13:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, it was just a responsibility put on me, like, that's what you have to do.
• 13:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Now, like, if you do this then, you know, you're the good girl, and I never, it never felt that way to me.
• 13:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: But to me the reward was- More calmer The peace Yes.
• 13:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 13:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: See, that's so funny 'cause, ah I could, I could swallow my own inner turmoil as long as everyone else around me was okay Oh, I had such a hard time with that I had so...
• 14:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, like, I did it, but I had such a hard time with it.
• 14:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: In my household it was a power struggle.
• 14:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 14:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then I think that's what cemented it for me to continue doing that as an adult, 'cause it goes to the whole thing of me being told what to do and I don't like it, and I never liked
• 14:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: it.
• 14:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know, even, like, as a child.
• 14:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, um, I would always fight back.
• 14:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I would always fight back on whatever it was because I didn't like that feeling.
• 14:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- But I mean- Those, those fights stayed up here for me.
• 14:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 14:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: I would think of all the things I wished I could say or I wished I could do- Yeah but I would never vocalize it.
• 14:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 14:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I would do it because I felt that I had to, right?
• 14:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: I had to do it because, right, like it would keep harmony.
• 14:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: I knew it wouldn't because, like I said, I'm, I'm confrontational, right?
• 14:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I'm, I'm, I'm cool with, like, if I don't like what you say, I'm gonna tell you, right?
• 15:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I don't have a problem saying that.
• 15:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: But then it's always been, "No, don't, don't say that."
• 15:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: And to me, that's how I learned to people please, was to keep my mouth shut.
• 15:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 15:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: And that's like putting a lion in a cage, right?
• 15:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because eventually I was going to fucking explode and let everyone have it.
• 15:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it came out eventually, but- Oh um- No.
• 15:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 15:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I still did it.
• 15:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I still, you know, it was still ingrained in me to do it.
• 15:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 15:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: So yeah, it's It's funny 'cause I, I li- I like talking to them She's, she's been a rebel since she was little.
• 15:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: I have.
• 15:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 15:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: And that- My rebellion is new.
• 15:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: I've always had a fire sign.
• 15:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: She's a fire sign.
• 15:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: She's a fire sign.
• 15:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 15:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: And Mercury.
• 15:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hello?
• 15:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 15:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's all.
• 15:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, I have- That's how I express myself I have Mercury fire, too, but- Yeah it's in the 12th house, so.
• 15:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh.
• 15:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, no.
• 15:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, mine's not hidden.
• 15:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- Um, go ahead.
• 15:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, no, it's just...
• 15:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: I- well, it's funny because,, I, I, I didn't sit with this topic before we discussed it today, you know?
• 16:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I'm really kind of- Figuring out as I go along right now.
• 16:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- Processing in the moment.
• 16:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, yeah so looking back now, what do you think, um, was really happening beneath the surface for you?
• 16:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Fear.
• 16:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 16:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 16:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Agreed.
• 16:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: I agree with that.
• 16:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's it.
• 16:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Okay.
• 16:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, and the fear was, like, multifaceted.
• 16:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, yeah.
• 16:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like I was gonna say, for e- both of the scenarios I presented earlier were fear-based.
• 16:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: It wasn't...
• 16:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah The fear for me was, like, being the difficult one, because I got praised for being easy, right?
• 16:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 16:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I, I didn't wanna be the difficult child.
• 16:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: I wanted to just follow the rules and, you know, do the things 'cause- Mm-hmm that's what I got praised for.
• 16:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: So there's fear of, like, that.
• 17:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: It was fear of what would happen if I didn't do the people-pleasing thing, because there were a few uh, adults with no command of emotional regulation- Mm in my life, right?
• 17:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I, like, I took it upon myself.
• 17:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: It was, I, I don't necessarily think that it was expected of me beyond that, like, there was constant reinforcement around like, "Gosh, you're so easy," "So, so easy."
• 17:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 17:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know, that.
• 17:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I don't, but I, but I learned it because I was trying to- Mm always, like, assess risk, and, and notice signs, and watch for when something was gonna go from, like, zero to 60, right?
• 17:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 17:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then move accordingly.
• 17:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: So there was fear of that.
• 17:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 17:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, fear of the consequences if I don't, if I don't try to control all these things.
• 18:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 18:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Fear of how I'd be perceived.
• 18:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 18:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause I don't wanna be any, like, I don't wanna be a burden.
• 18:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't wanna be difficult.
• 18:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't wanna cause anybody else any, you know, whatever.
• 18:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: A troublemaker.
• 18:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 18:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, I was, I was the opposite of that.
• 18:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 18:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Me too.
• 18:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, so I s- something similar for me, I feel like I, fear of rejection.
• 18:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 18:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because- Yes because I, if I spoke up, then I'm too much, I'm disrespectful, you know, I'm nasty.
• 18:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 18:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: There it is.
• 18:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, my mom never learned that word in English, so she didn't say that to me.
• 18:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: But, um, but disrespectful, right?
• 18:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, that's the one, that's the one word that always comes back to me when, uh, with anything my mom.
• 18:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, that, she would always say to me when she wanted me to, like, you know- Mm-hmm stay in line, was that I'm being disrespectful.
• 18:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: But besides, besides my mom, I feel like, um, in general I've been too much for the wrong people, and so it's always that fear of rejection.
• 19:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: So that's why I would always just more comply with things, or keep quiet, or not, you know, not speak my mind because it's too much.
• 19:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then, and then also- Okay um, I think it's also being, again, being responsible for others' emotions, so that played a big part too.
• 19:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 19:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 19:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it, like, for me, the, that fear of rejection also meant that, like, I wouldn't stand up for myself- Mm or challenge or question anything, because there was also a fear of conflict, right?
• 19:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause, like- Mm the conflict that I witnessed was, like, explosive and- Right never ended well, and right?
• 19:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I think that since that was the only thing I ever saw, I never saw, like, what does it look like to have a productive disagreement, a constructive disagreement, right?
• 20:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, like, the only thing that I ever saw was that.
• 20:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 20:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I would avoid that at all costs- Mm which really led to people-pleasing tendencies.
• 20:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I just don't want there to be conflict.
• 20:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 20:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, that's what avoidance is, right?
• 20:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 20:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: People pleasing.
• 20:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 20:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 20:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, I can relate to the whole explosive arguments and all that, but because at 12 years old I took it upon myself, and it was kind of put on me too, um, to take care of my mom,
• 20:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: right?
• 20:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 20:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I defended my mom my whole life.
• 20:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I didn't have a problem with conflict because I was always in the middle of it, and she allowed that.
• 20:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: You were at the front lines of it.
• 20:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, totally.
• 20:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, I was like, "Oh, we're fighting?
• 20:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Okay.
• 20:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm c- I'm coming down."
• 20:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 20:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: "Oh, there's a fight?
• 20:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Okay, I'm going."
• 21:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, um- I, I, I forgot where I was going with this.
• 21:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Avoidance?
• 21:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: No, I wouldn't avoid.
• 21:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, yeah.
• 21:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 21:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, that was- That was it for me, I wouldn't, I wouldn't avoid.
• 21:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: I would jump right into it, but then it was like, you know too much.
• 21:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 21:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know, it was, it, I was, it was too much when it wasn't convenient for them, but when it was convenient for them it was okay.
• 21:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 21:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 21:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: When it worked in their favor it was okay um Uh, what were you most afraid of?
• 21:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think we, we covered this, but what were you most afraid of that would happen if you stopped people pleasing?
• 21:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Being abandoned.
• 21:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 21:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 21:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Be- yeah, being rejected- Yeah being abandoned, that people would think I was difficult.
• 21:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, uh, yeah, my dad already abandoned me, so- Mm am I gonna lose everybody else in my life if I'm not perfect?
• 22:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think I always felt like I, like I was a bad person then, you know?
• 22:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: If I- Yes if I didn't people please, then I'm just a horrible person.
• 22:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I, I remember feeling that so much throughout my life, and it's an, it's terrible.
• 22:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's such an awful feeling to think that you're a bad person when all you're doing is trying to please everyone around you and, and, and make them happy 'cause you're, you're putting yourself last.
• 22:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 22:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 22:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Okay, so what did people-pleasing cost you?
• 22:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Your face, Erica.
• 22:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Cause the first thing that came to mind, and then, like, my whole body went numb when I had the thought- Mm but the first thing that came to my mind is my childhood.
• 22:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 22:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Cause I was like the manager.
• 22:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 22:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I was like the, the kid, like I was, I tried to be responsible for- Everyone and everything around me, and I think it cost me a lot of my childhood.
• 23:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: It definitely cost me memories, because I think I spent so much of my childhood dissociated because of the, like, constant overwhelm of- Yeah like, all of the inputs I was trying to process to be able to, like- Mm-hmm
• 23:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: manage situations.
• 23:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, that's how, that's how I've...
• 23:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's one of the things that I've, you know, tried to talk about in therapy and try to figure out of, like, why don't I have as many memories from childhood as so many of the other people I know?
• 23:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I think that I was just in this sort of, like, constant state of overwhelm and,, dissociated from a lot because I'm already, like, hypersensitive to, like, everything, sounds, smells, like- Mm-hmm lights, all the things.
• 24:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 24:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so the added inputs of, trying to have the emotional and social intelligence before I was taught how to do that or, like, had the skills to do that was a lot.
• 24:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Was it like you blocked them?
• 24:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like you blocked your memories Cause you feel like you- I don't know.
• 24:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't think I like, I, I mean, I think it's a, I think it's a bit of a trauma response to like dissociate from your body or from like the moment.
• 24:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 24:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Absolutely.
• 24:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: But yeah, I don't, I just don't have a lot of memories And the, like, some of the ones that I do have are, like, the not great ones.
• 24:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Do you know what I mean?
• 24:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, the- Yeah I, so there's a lot of things I don't remember that might have even been good experiences.
• 24:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I think even in the good experiences, I never felt like I could relax cause I was always, like, so hypervigilant Like waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know what I mean?
• 25:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, 'cause you're so enmeshed- So I think it, yeah with other people So I think it, I think it just cost me a lot of like childhood joy.
• 25:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like I don't- Yeah, yeah I don't know how else to articulate it other than to say that.
• 25:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, and as, and again, as a result, like because it, it wasn't something that I could name or do anything about until like later on in my adult life, I think it also just cost me a lot of-
• 25:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Friendships, relationships.
• 25:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 25:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I think my friendships were very surface level because I was constantly, like, accommodating and adapting and, like, being a chameleon rather than allowing myself to be, like, truly authentic and be seen and develop real relationships.
• 25:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know what I mean?
• 25:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 25:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, that makes...
• 25:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, that makes total sense because it, it, it affects every aspect of your life.
• 25:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 25:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause you're not just doing it in one aspect of your life, you're doing it everywhere.
• 26:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 26:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 26:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 26:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: What about you, Sloan?
• 26:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, well, what Erica ended with is kind of where I was going, was that being the chameleon, trying to- Mm.
• 26:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm meet everybody else's needs.
• 26:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, you- Yeah for me, I just lost touch with myself.
• 26:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 26:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Totally.
• 26:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I didn't know- That too anything about myself except the bad things.
• 26:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 26:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: And how I wasn't enough, good enough, doing the things, making them happy no matter how hard I tried.
• 26:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- In case you missed it, check the perfection episode.
• 26:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Too right.
• 26:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- And also, yeah, I was gonna say childhood.
• 26:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was gonna say happiness.
• 26:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 26:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, joy- Yeah feels so fleeting.
• 26:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Get, you know what I mean?
• 26:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Happiness- Mm seems a little bit more achievable, like, in a continuous way, if that makes sense.
• 27:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- It does so just- I like that word better always, you know, being on edge, looking, analyzing.
• 27:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yep.
• 27:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Risk analysis.
• 27:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, but yeah.
• 27:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, I mean- Yeah, it was childhood.
• 27:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I, I- Yeah feel like I've always been an old soul, but, uh- Yeah there's definitely a couple of quantum leaps in there that weren't asked for or natural, so.
• 27:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 27:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 27:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I...
• 27:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: for me, I mean, I agree with all of you.
• 27:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: I feel like I...
• 27:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: all of you, all that you said.
• 27:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: There's only two of you.
• 27:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- The whole, the whole gang all of you.
• 27:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Me and my five personalities.
• 27:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: And mine.
• 27:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: You are a Gemini.
• 27:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 27:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- But I, I, yes, I, I also relate to the childhood and all.
• 28:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, for me, I just feel like it's my identity.
• 28:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, my whole identity- Yeah was so wrapped up in everybody else- Mm-hmm that I, you know, I didn't know anything about myself, which is why I hated doing so many things, and one of them was dating.
• 28:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 28:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: I hated dating for that reason, 'cause don't ask me anything about me, right?
• 28:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause I don't fucking know.
• 28:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't fucking know.
• 28:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh.
• 28:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh.
• 28:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 28:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's terrible.
• 28:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Well, that connects to what Sloane said, like the, what did, what did you miss out on, or like what did you, what did it cost you?
• 28:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 28:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's knowing yourself.
• 28:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 28:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because you have had to like mold and adapt.
• 28:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 28:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Ooh, I can relate to that too.
• 28:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 28:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: I had no clue.
• 28:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: I had, I had no- Yeah I mean, I, I mean- Let's just keep talking about you, 'cause I don't know anything about me.
• 28:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 28:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 28:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: And also, keep talking about you because it's uncomfortable to talk about me, 'cause it's al- you're also told it's, again, everyone else before you, so it's always Mm-hmm you know, put u- put the others first.
• 29:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so yeah, and I mean, obviously I knew certain things about myself, and definitely the bad ones or the ones that I thought were bad.
• 29:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 29:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 29:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 29:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: But the good qualities about myself, I mean, they were buried.
• 29:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: There were none.
• 29:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 29:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, no, there are.
• 29:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: There were.
• 29:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: I know.
• 29:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: They were just buried.
• 29:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: There were.
• 29:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: We just had no clue that they were there.
• 29:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 29:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, we didn't know where they were.
• 29:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 29:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: And we didn't know that the bad things about us were actually the good things about us.
• 29:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 29:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 29:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: So for me, the good things that I knew are the things that led to, like, the perfectionism tendencies.
• 29:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 29:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 29:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, you're good at, like, you're a great cheerleader.
• 29:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Okay, well, I'm gonna be the best fucking cheerleader you've ever seen in your whole goddamn life.
• 29:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 29:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because if this is the thing that I'm gonna get praised for and be known for Like, not to say that I didn't enjoy that, because I truly did love it.
• 29:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: I loved it, but it was, like, those things.
• 29:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, once I, once I knew the things that I was really good at, I doubled down on those for sure, but then to the extreme of perfectionism.
• 30:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because if I'm gonna get praised for something, like that's what it Right?
• 30:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: You have it.
• 30:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, yeah.
• 30:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's part of what When we're talking about, you know, the, the competition we just won, everybody in the room is happy.
• 30:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, we're celebrating, and that keeps people happy, so that was another way to, like, control.
• 30:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 30:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: And we've said control a lot in episodes- I know.
• 30:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Sorry things coming up about that.
• 30:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 30:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: So no, no, just- Spoilers big preview.
• 30:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 30:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, it's, it's impossible for them not to be intertwined, right?
• 30:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 30:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, same with, same with perfectionism.
• 30:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think they're all so closely related, you know?
• 30:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, absolutely.
• 30:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: We could just alternate...
• 30:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Here's another alternative title, title.
• 30:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Three, Three Recovering People Pleasers.
• 30:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Three Recovering Perfectionists.
• 30:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: I like the first one better.
• 30:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: But it made me laugh, so...
• 30:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um.
• 30:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, shit, I'm a people pleaser?
• 31:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: No.
• 31:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 31:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, shit.
• 31:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think that's way better.
• 31:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 31:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: I like that.
• 31:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: I like that.
• 31:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: I like that title- I will go with it so much better than just people pleaser, 'cause...
• 31:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um.
• 31:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Look at that.
• 31:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Even when I'm delirious, I still have words.
• 31:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, you do.
• 31:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: I didn't doubt that for one second.
• 31:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, okay, so- When you look back, what's the biggest thing you wish you hadn't given away?
• 31:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: My power.
• 31:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 31:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: That that's something I can only articulate as an adult.
• 31:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, again, I would have never had the language for or been able to, like, identify that when I was younger.
• 31:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, yeah, I mean, even as an adult, I wouldn't have been able to articulate that until just recently.
• 31:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 31:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 31:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, just in, since I started m- my healing journey.
• 31:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: I didn't, I didn't realize I was giving my power away at all.
• 31:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: So yeah, this is the same for me.
• 31:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's just And there's so many ways that you give your power away and you don't realize.
• 32:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean Like It's funny how, I mean, I was having this conversation with a friend I know, another friend.
• 32:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Word.
• 32:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: And we, we happened to be talking about this stuff and, you know, I'm like, people just always say yes to things that they don't w- they wanna say no to.
• 32:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, how often, you know, like, someone says to you, "Come over," or, "Let's go over here," and your, and your first instinct is to say no Right?
• 32:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: And you feel that, like, that's a no, but you say yes every time.
• 32:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: And that's exactly where I was gonna go.
• 32:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Originally, I was thinking my belief in myself, which might be kind of a piece of the power thing.
• 32:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 32:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: But as you were talking, it came up, and the thing that is, like, gripping my guts right now is my intuition.
• 32:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 32:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 32:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: I gave that away over and over again until I didn't- Yeah, like, not trusting myself even recognize it.
• 33:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, but that's exac- that's exactly what people-pleasing is designed to do, right?
• 33:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 33:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, all, ev- all of the things that you were told as a child, and even as an adult, whether it's, it, you know, at, at a job or in a relationship or a friend or whatever, is designed for
• 33:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: you to just give your power away, just to, to ignore that feeling, that gut feeling that's telling you, giving you the answer, and then you immediately go and you intellectualize it, right?
• 33:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, you, you go and you think about it.
• 33:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Overanalyze.
• 33:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, you analyze it.
• 33:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Talk yourself- Exactly like, well, if I say no- You talk yourself out of it.
• 33:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: You logic yourself out of it, even though your intuition is trying to tell you.
• 33:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right, because when you, you immediately st- wanna say no, and then when you say no, for me, it's like if I say no, I'm a bad person.
• 33:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: If I say no, I'm a bad friend.
• 33:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: If I say no, I'm a bad worker, right?
• 33:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, it's- I'm a troublemaker.
• 33:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 33:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: They're gonna leave me.
• 33:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: They won't wanna be around me.
• 33:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm difficult.
• 33:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's by design.
• 33:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 33:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 33:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Everything.
• 33:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause that keeps you so disconnected from yourself, which is why at the, you know, at the time when you're people-pleasing, like, you didn't even get to know who you were because it was about everybody else.
• 34:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 34:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's, yeah, it's just, um I, it, yeah, it's something that I, I really try to check in with myself now, especially with my intuition, with how something feels.
• 34:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because it's, it's really...
• 34:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm not gonna listen to my head anymore, you know?
• 34:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, this is what I try not to do.
• 34:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: But anyway, um- That bitch is crazy.
• 34:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 34:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- I was just telling her I loved her earlier today, 'cause I'm like- Right, right "Girl" I know.
• 34:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: I gotta, I gotta remember that.
• 34:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: "What are you thinking?"
• 34:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then I laugh at myself and it's gone, so.
• 34:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I have another question What does choosing yourself look like now, and what's still hard?
• 34:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Trusting myself more Mm Being Really rooted in my values and letting that alongside my intuition, like, determine boundaries Like I think My boundaries are f- my boundaries used to probably just be like nonexistent, if we're being honest.
• 35:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: But like- Mm-hmm on, on my best day they were too flexible or too porous, um They're, they're a lot more firm now Yeah.
• 35:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, uh, I mean, I would agree with that too.
• 35:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's the trusting myself and having the boundaries, um, are definitely What keeps me from people pleasing Mm.
• 35:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's still difficult because Guilt Sure.
• 35:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's not easy.
• 35:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 35:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: But that's just what choosing myself looks like.
• 35:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 35:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's always difficult- Yeah every day.
• 35:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: But, but 'cause there- Because there's still so much unlearning to do.
• 36:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, 'cause the guilt was so powerful, right?
• 36:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, that was what- Yeah kept you people-pleasing was that guilt.
• 36:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 36:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: And that's, that's, that's what I've, that's what I I have the boundary, but when that guilt pops up is when I have to really do the work.
• 36:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's when I really have to lean into my trust and my boundaries to, like- remember that why I don't, why I can say no Is...
• 36:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: I aspire to be like, do you remember that episode of Friends when Ross is moving and he asks Phoebe to help, and she goes, "Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to."
• 36:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, that's, I aspire to that level of confidence- Right with boundary setting.
• 36:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: But, like, we're not, we're not there yet.
• 36:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's still difficult.
• 36:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: I still have to, like, hype myself up.
• 36:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: I still have to, remember, like, I have to notice that guilt or, notice that shame that's coming up and, intentionally, like, check myself on it, because it's still hard.
• 37:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: And also I know that it's like my, again, I think, I don't know, we've probably talked about this before, but like I spent so much of my life not trusting my intuition and not trusting myself that there's this,
• 37:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: weird phenomenon now that, like, once I know something to be 100% true for me, like my window of tolerance is so small.
• 37:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so, like, that part is becoming easier because I think I, like, like I'm, I'm a little bit more, firmly rooted in what's true for me or what I need.
• 37:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 37:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: And also, like, sometimes vocalizing it or having the conversation is still hard because we never know how it's gonna be received, and there's still, like, a little bit of that people pleaser tendency of, like, well, I need to,
• 37:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: like, craft the perfect message and, like, say it exactly the right way to control- Mm-hmm the other person's reaction, and I can't fucking control that.
• 38:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I'm still gonna do my best 'cause that old habit dies hard, you know?
• 38:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Interesting.
• 38:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was gonna...
• 38:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, it's easier for me to say what's still hard, and I was gonna say not justifying.
• 38:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 38:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Ooh, yes.
• 38:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 38:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Ooh, no is a complete sentence.
• 38:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 38:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's really hard for me to just say no.
• 38:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: It, it, it really is for me too And the difference between wanting And it, because this is why it's hard for me, the difference between justifying and sharing Right?
• 38:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 38:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, 'cause sometimes I'm explaining something to you guys, and I'm like, to me that's not a justification, it's illumination, right?
• 38:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I'm letting you into my thought process and, and what's going on, not trying to justify my action, which is different than- Which is different than saying, "I'm not available- Right that day."
• 39:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: But still later I'll be like, "Was I, like, justifying myself?"
• 39:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Yeah, yeah I'm like, 'cause I don't, I don't have to.
• 39:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: It didn't feel like just- did it feel like justifica- Like, and then I get in my head about it, but, um, with other people I this is, this is honestly what's helping me a little bit with it, is
• 39:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: watching them kind of spin out about it when I don't justify.
• 39:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: They're like, "Oh, what's gonna happen next?"
• 39:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Yeah because- Let me get my popcorn.
• 39:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like, I just said one thing.
• 39:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, not complicated, not- Why did this thing happen?
• 39:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because, you know, whatever the reason, it doesn't matter.
• 39:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, like- I, I stepped on a rock and I jumped, and then I hit the thing.
• 40:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know what?
• 40:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: It doesn't matter.
• 40:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, oh, because it happened.
• 40:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, oops, I tripped.
• 40:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it'd be like They go up.
• 40:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know, like, where?
• 40:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 40:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, on this journey through why didn't you, how could you have, or tell me...
• 40:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: N- not asking a single question, right?
• 40:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, just telling this elaborate story or making some kind of judgment about whatever happened, and it's like, huh.
• 40:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like None of that's over here.
• 40:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's all over there.
• 40:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: So we're good.
• 40:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's just very interesting sometimes.
• 40:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Yeah learning that not accepting it.
• 40:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, when you disappoint them, right?
• 40:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Yeah when you disappoint people and they don't know what to do with themselves.
• 40:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: But also sometimes you do that and they feel disappointed, and then they push you harder, you know?
• 41:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like they'll- Oh, right they'll want- That, that gets irritating it's, that's what I'm saying, like, it's, it's a process, right?
• 41:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because it, for you, for like, for yourself to, to get better at, like, standing your ground- Yeah when, when people wanna push your boundaries, because they do.
• 41:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 41:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause people get really, really uncomfortable when you've been the people pleaser your whole life, and then you decide that, "Fuck that shit, I'm not doing that anymore."
• 41:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 41:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 41:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because it just harms me.
• 41:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 41:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: And- Yeah and they're like, "The fuck is wrong with you?
• 41:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: What's happening here?
• 41:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't like this."
• 41:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 41:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, but you, I've...
• 41:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Something that you just said, um Oh With the whole friends, um, episode, I guess it was the same thing that I was saying is that just being so comfortable with saying no and not worrying about- Yeah whether you're
• 42:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: disappointing someone or not, right?
• 42:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, would love to but- It's hard don't want to.
• 42:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: It is.
• 42:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's hard.
• 42:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 42:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, to just say, "I don't want to."
• 42:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: I just...
• 42:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, that's maybe a- Yeah a level of candor that I have, I have not yet achieved.
• 42:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: But- I j- but even just saying like- But I'm just saying it's really difficult like, "No, I'm not available."
• 42:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 42:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: "But thank you so much for inviting me."
• 42:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Right don't stop inviting me to things, but I'm not available today, right?
• 42:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, that's, that's the, that's the, the boundary, um, for the- But also how good it feels when you actually start saying no.
• 42:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, it does.
• 42:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: And even though it's so uncomfortable, but you start saying no and you're like, "Oh."
• 42:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'll take- Like, feel that feeling of, like, getting your power back is so good.
• 42:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: So here's, here's what I've started.
• 42:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, the, the check for me now is because I think about how much time has been wasted in my life either being, like, mad or resentful or feeling awful after I, like, caved- Mm-hmm or, like, did the people-pleasing
• 43:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: thing, right?
• 43:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 43:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or, like, I went and sat through a dinner I really didn't wanna go to, right?
• 43:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 43:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: With, like, people I really didn't wanna be around, and I just, like, white-knuckled my way through it, and then I came home and I was exhausted, and I was, like, burnt out for three days and had to recover.
• 43:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know what I mean?
• 43:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Yeah when I think about how much time has been wasted and I...
• 43:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Now my trade-off or, like, the thing that grounds me in that moment is, like, I'd rather be uncomfortable for the 30 seconds it takes me to tell you no than the hours I would spend doing the thing I
• 43:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: don't wanna do.
• 43:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 43:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 43:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 43:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or, like, the days I would need to recover from that event that I don't wanna go to, right?
• 43:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Yeah just knowing myself more now, I, like, I know the trade-off for me is worth it.
• 43:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: I know it's gonna be, it's gonna be a little uncomfy for a moment, but it's gonna be way worth it in the end because there have been plenty of times where I've been, like, just sitting on my couch
• 44:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: reading my little book or, like, watching my little shows thinking like, "Huh, I was supposed to be at that thing.
• 44:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Thank God I'm not there.
• 44:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, thank God."
• 44:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 44:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 44:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 44:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 44:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Such a homebody.
• 44:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, yeah, and that, that actually helped me a little bit.
• 44:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: So what is choosing myself look like now is, like, v- similar to Erica, like, is I ask myself, "Is this aligned with my values- Mm-hmm.
• 44:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes and who I wanna be?"
• 44:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 44:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: And normally there's the answer right there.
• 44:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: It- that's why- Yeah the values are so powerful.
• 44:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: They really are.
• 44:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because it's such an easy filter to pass things through.
• 44:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: But also who I wanna be.
• 44:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 44:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because it might be, 'cause that's the first filter, does it align with my values, but then does it align with who I wanna be?
• 44:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because- Some of my values are aspirational though.
• 45:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: They're not all- That's my point firing on all cylinders right now.
• 45:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: But yeah.
• 45:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I'm saying, well, you know what I mean.
• 45:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 45:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then you can always throw in a third one Oh, sorry right?
• 45:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Which would be like, do I have the capacity for this, right?
• 45:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Yeah because sometimes the answer to the first two is a hell yes, but the realistic schedule maybe is, uh- Mm-hmm I really- The logistics can't.
• 45:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: It doesn't matter how much I want it.
• 45:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 45:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Not now, but yes.
• 45:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: My answer is yes, not now.
• 45:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hmm.
• 45:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 45:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah I, I wanna, like, maybe...
• 45:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I think I meant to do this when we talked about perfection, and I wanna, like, maybe wrap on a slightly more positive note, because I don't think that it's all bad.
• 45:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: No.
• 45:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 46:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- No with perfectionism, there was a lot that I learned, both because, like, because I felt the need to, like, master things, quote-unquote, like I literally learned, like gathered a lot of knowledge, mastered skills, like things that have
• 46:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: served me really well in my life.
• 46:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so, like, while there was a lot of, like, unnecessary pressure and shame at parts of that journey, the outcomes weren't all bad- Right.
• 46:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm because I, I was able to, like, learn a lot.
• 46:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: I kind of think the same with people-pleasing in one specific area.
• 46:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: You need a party planned?
• 46:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm your girl.
• 46:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're right.
• 46:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because I am thinking about every single- Yeah.
• 46:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: person's experience and making sure that everybody has the fucking time of their life.
• 46:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Everybody, you're gonna have a hell of a party if I plan your party.
• 46:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, uh, the way that I look at things is something good always comes out of something bad, right?
• 47:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 47:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- e- it, it's every experience.
• 47:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: You, you can, you can gain something from every experience.
• 47:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, yeah, I mean, I did tons of shit that I would not have said yes to- Yeah, exactly to please other people.
• 47:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 47:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I got value out of it one way or the other.
• 47:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 47:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: It was usually good.
• 47:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 47:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it's not all bad.
• 47:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, no.
• 47:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: It just...
• 47:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 47:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's just that's- I- that's where we have to learn the difference.
• 47:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 47:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't...
• 47:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: To be clear, I don't wanna go to the party.
• 47:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: I just wanna plan it.
• 47:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Are you sure?
• 47:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause you're a Leo rising.
• 47:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't wanna go to the pa- I mean, I, I want to go to the party, like, with a clipboard in my hand to manage the logistics of, but I don't wanna be in the party.
• 47:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: So funny.
• 47:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: And if I am in the party, I will exit early without anyone's knowledge.
• 48:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, that's- The Irish goodbye?
• 48:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I would love to plan your party.
• 48:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: I love planning a party.
• 48:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: I've got spreadsheets on spreadsheets on spreadsheets of parties I've planned in my Google Drive.
• 48:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: That is funny So Maybe I'll start a side hustle after this.
• 48:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh yes, just put something else on the, on your list.
• 48:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: If you'd like me to plan your party, you can contact me at erica@findyourkula.com, and just- Yeah, no problem.
• 48:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Erica, you might just start getting the, "Can you plan my wedding?"
• 48:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well- Oh my God just keep in mind she's in the greater Boston area, and she charges well because she knows her worth.
• 48:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hmm.
• 48:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: And that's exactly it.
• 48:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, yeah.
• 48:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: All right.
• 48:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 48:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, another good conversation.
• 48:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 48:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Any other last comments, anybody?
• 48:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: No.
• 48:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, I, one thing that I did wanna s- mention that Erica brought up before is...
• 48:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause it really is huge, it really plays such a big part when you're a people pleaser, is resentment.
• 49:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 49:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, yeah.
• 49:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Huge.
• 49:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like how resentment builds- Yeah because of it, and it really doesn't help you or anybody else.
• 49:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, it really doesn't do anything for you or anyone else.
• 49:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, it's an awful feeling.
• 49:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 49:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: That, that's definitely a signal for me now.
• 49:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Whenever I feel it- Mm-hmm I'm like, "What's that?"
• 49:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, yeah.
• 49:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: "Why is this here?
• 49:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: What am I doing that's..."
• 49:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 49:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Good, good, good call out.
• 49:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Stay tuned for our conversation on boundaries.
• 49:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: And control.
• 49:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Good way to avoid resentment.
• 49:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: And control.
• 49:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, thank you everyone.
• 49:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: We will see you on the next episode, or- Thanks for being here yeah.
• 49:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 49:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: We'll talk at you.
• 49:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Thanks for listening, wherever you are.
• 49:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Soon.
• 49:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: We'll talk at you.
• 49:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 49:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, yes, and more soon.
• 49:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hopefully we'll have ways to, like...
• 49:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, please come to findyourkula.com and chat with us.
• 49:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- Oh my God, yeah but.
• 49:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: And to be clear, Kula is K-U-L-A.
• 49:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: We'll put it in the show notes.
• 50:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: We'll add links so that you can come join us in the community, 'cause we genuinely would love to hear your stories and have real conversations.
• 50:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 50:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, exactly.
• 50:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: We don't wanna just leave it at ours.
• 50:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Bring everyone in Love you guys.
• 50:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: All right, love you.
• 50:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Love you.
• 50:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Bye.
• 50:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Bye.
• 50:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: I love the hearts