Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 311. Flashback Friday - The Bedroom Spark: Why Desire Fades and How to Get It Back

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311. Flashback Friday - The Bedroom Spark: Why Desire Fades and How to Get It Back · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the She Rises podcast. I'm Ashi. And I'm Tiana.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: We're going to laugh, cry, and talk about the topics
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level self. Like, obviously, porn
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: is very performative and that sort of stuff. And it
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: is more of, like, the intense thing. And I think
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: as young women, we kind of learn that that's what
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: sex is about. But it's not. And you know what?
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: This is even a journey I've been on myself.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: She literally bled, like, from his fingers. Oh, my God. Like,
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: that's not normal.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: I've had that before, too, actually. I remember saying that.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: With an ex-partner. Goodness. Yep. It's not nice. But it's
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: just like, I don't know, there's got to be a
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: level of understanding where your partner knows, is listening to
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: what it is that you want and need.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: Because it's like one size doesn't fit all. When someone, wow,
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: we're really getting raw here. When somebody comes to me,
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: like say a previous partner, they're like, oh, I'm so
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: good at this.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: I'm so good.
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  Speaker 2: I'm like, you haven't even touched my body.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, literally, you don't know it.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: You haven't even learned anything yet. You have no idea.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: What you did for previous partners isn't going to work
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: for me.
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  Speaker 1: No.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: You know, and I think like that communication and understanding
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: is so important. Yeah.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: If they take it slow to get to know your body,
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: they're probably going to learn it faster because they're like
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: getting to know it all.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: Ins and outs. They're getting ins and outs quite literally.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: And they've got time for you to give feedback on like,
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: oh my gosh, keep going.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: Do this more. Like speed is just like you can't
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  Speaker 1: even catch up.
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  Speaker 2: No, but it's like maybe that's like more pleasurable for
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: a man. But for a woman, I believe it's different,
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: at least from my own personal experience. And that's coming
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: from someone who used to be very performative in the bedroom,
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: like disconnected to myself, numb, like whatever. Yeah. And feeling like, oh,
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: I liked it more rough. Yeah. Whereas now I'm like, no,
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: the softer, the better.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: Oh, the softer, the better.
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: The intimacy that you experience in that is so spiritual
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: in comparison to the physical act of just being here. Yes.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: Getting it over and done with.
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  Speaker 1: I think I know for myself, I much prefer slow,
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: sensual sex, but If I'm going to enjoy it rough,
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: I can't go straight into that. I enjoy the rough
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: because I feel safe because of the softness that you've
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: created at the start and you've like warmed me up
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: and I'm ready and I feel good with you to explore.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: But if a man would like our friend just to
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: come in and just do that straight away. Absolutely not.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I remember you making a joke being like, that
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: would be traumatic. I'm so glad you didn't experience that
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: because it would have.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: Been so traumatic. Yeah, like she was laughing, but it's
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: not okay.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: No.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: Like to bleed from fingers.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: No.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: From this roughness. So slow. That's our next tip, slow.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: Gents, if you're listening, gentle.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Please. For all the women out there.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: I think another one, I mean, at least it's been
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: helpful for me, is to not force the orgasm. I
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: think for me, when I release the pressure to reach
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: an outcome, I end up getting there much quicker. Even
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: if I have verbally had a partner say to me,
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: and I've said, like, hey, can you say this to me?
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: Because it helps me get out of my head, which
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: is something I've had to unlearn over the years, is
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: to get out of my head in sex. is to
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: literally say to me, baby, there's no pressure for you
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: to come. There's no pressure for you to orgasm. Like
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: we're not here to get to an outcome. I just
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: want this to be about you, for you to just
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: like lay your head back and enjoy yourself, like genuinely,
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: like receive. And I found that through doing that, it
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: allows me to like let pleasure in more as opposed
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: to being like, tensing and squeezing and trying to get
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: to the outcome and then it being over and done with.
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: But in the reality, sex can be such a beautiful
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: and extended experience when you are soft, relaxed, open, willing
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: and receptive to what it is that you're experiencing instead
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  Speaker 2: of just, oh, let's get this over and done with.
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  Speaker 1: That's what it is. It should be an experience, not
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: just a destination. No, because it is.
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  Speaker 2: It's about the buildup and it's about the anticipation in
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: the beginning.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: The connection.
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  Speaker 2: And then the love and slowness, it's just like it
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: gets to be a really beautiful experience, but I don't
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: think that's a normalized experience.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: No. You know? I think a lot of men need
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: to listen to this.
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  Speaker 2: There are lots of books out there, guys.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: Yes. Or podcasts like us. Read them. The next one
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: for me too, especially being in a long-term relationship, is
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: like flirting before you even get to the bedroom. Like
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: when do we stop flirting and dating our partner? Like,
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: you know, when people first get together and they're going
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: on all these fun dates and they're flirting and they're
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: sending all these sexy texts and- sending sexy photos. It's like,
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: where along the lines does that stop being fun? Or
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: you stop thinking you need to put that effort in?
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: You stop thinking they don't enjoy it anymore? Let me
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: tell you, nearly 18 years later, he still enjoys it.
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  Speaker 1: And it still brings so much like pleasure and excitement
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: and anticipation, even though he knows what's underneath those underwear.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: He knows. It's been a long time. I say that
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: to him sometimes. I'm like, I try to be mysterious.
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  Speaker 1: You've seen this so many times. Yeah. And he's still like,
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: but he says it's still exciting. It's still like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: what is underneath there? Because you need to build that
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: narrative and that experience for them. Yeah. So don't ever
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  Speaker 1: stop flirting and dating your partner, no matter how long
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: you've been together for, because it'll make your experience in
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: the bedroom a hundred times better. Yeah.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: I think it's like a willingness to bring playfulness into
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: your everyday life.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: Yep.
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  Speaker 2: Into everyday experiences and into like all of the mundane
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: tasks too.
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  Speaker 1: You get to be creative too.
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Creative energy is beautiful energy. Yeah. Be creative with how
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: you're trying to turn them on and the experiences you
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: get to give them.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: And get curious. Like is there something that your partner
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: has said that they liked? Yeah. Something that you've done
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: where they had a really good response to it that
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: you can like amp up next time.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah. You can do it.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: Slightly different or like do more of that.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Like people leave clues in terms of what they want
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  Speaker 2: and what they like.
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  Speaker 1: So many.
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  Speaker 2: Like so obvious clues.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: If you'd pay attention just a little bit, you might
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  Speaker 2: surprise yourself at like what kind of experience you can
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: create for your partner, which then will create a better
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: experience for you too.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, we had a DM a little while ago and
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  Speaker 1: she said she was quite triggered because her partner had
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  Speaker 1: vented to his friend that she wasn't sexy in the
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  Speaker 1: bedroom and she's like, I wish my girlfriend dressed up
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  Speaker 1: for me and I wish... I thought about it, obviously,
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  Speaker 1: like I just held space for her, but I thought
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  Speaker 1: about it if Steve was to talk to his friends,
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  Speaker 1: which he's a very private person, but if he was
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  Speaker 1: open and talking to his friends about her sex life...
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  Speaker 1: I would hope he'd be like, oh, my gosh, she's
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: so adventurous. She's so fun. She dressed up last night. Yeah. Oh,
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  Speaker 1: my gosh, she did this new thing or like she
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  Speaker 1: sent me this sex. Like I would hope that he's
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: lit up by talking about our sex life.
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  Speaker 2: Has good things.
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  Speaker 1: But that takes active contribution for me.
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  Speaker 2: Right.
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  Speaker 1: Like I'm always buying lingerie. I'm always sending photos. I'm
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  Speaker 1: always sending texts. I'm always trying to make it fun
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  Speaker 1: and exciting and try new things and communicating what it
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  Speaker 1: is he's desiring at the time. It's a very conscious
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  Speaker 1: thing that as much effort I put into my health
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  Speaker 1: and fitness, I also put that into my sex life
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  Speaker 1: with Steve. Yeah. You have to be conscious of it.
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  Speaker 1: It's not just going to magically stay amazing forever like
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  Speaker 1: it did in the first year of your relationship.
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  Speaker 2: Something that I see you guys do often is that
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  Speaker 2: you continue to date each other.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, we do.
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  Speaker 2: You prioritize date now and you prioritize connection. You prioritize
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  Speaker 2: building the foundation of you two. And it's like you
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: can see that in the playfulness, the openness, the communication
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  Speaker 2: of that. It's like you're a fresh couple. Yeah. It's
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: like in that fun stage.
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  Speaker 1: Very conscious.
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  Speaker 2: Long term.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Which is so beautiful. And like what you said, it's
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: consistent effort.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: It's consistent effort and it's not always easy sometimes you
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: don't feel like it we've got kids we're tired we're
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: business like for sure we don't always feel like it
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  Speaker 1: we also know how important it is and say if
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: Steve's really stressed for the week it definitely switches off
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: his sex drive like for sure I'm not like pressuring
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: him to have sex by any means but if it
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: was to get to like two or three weeks and
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: we haven't been intimate yeah both of us would be
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: having a conversation around that and actively even if you
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: don't fully feel like it like just taking our time
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: to be more connected and touching each other more. So
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: it leads to that because you know how important it
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: is for your relationship.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: I was having a conversation with a friend of mine
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: and a friend of mine's partner, and they were talking
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: about how they just had this understanding that like when
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: they were together, obviously doing life together with stress and
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: everything that was happening, they knew if it got to
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: like day four and like one of them was in
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: an absolute foul mood, they knew that they just had
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: to be intimate.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: Like they just knew like if there was a certain
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: type of like tone or like this, it was like
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: they were craving closeness but they didn't know how to
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: ask for it in the moment. So they just kind
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: of had this like rule where it was like, you know,
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: obviously life happens and all the things, but it was
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: like no longer than four days. Yeah. Because if they're
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: no longer than four days, they're getting disconnected. They're creating
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: separation and space between them. They're more snappy. They're not
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: as respectful to each other because they like need and
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: desire that level of closeness and being emotionally plugged in
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: in that way. And I was just like, I thought
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: it was so funny because it was like, this unspoken
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: rule that they had, but it was also a conversation.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: That's really cool.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: I know you're just being rude and snappy because you.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: Need to have sex.
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: That Jake Woodward that I really like on social media,
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: a lot of people don't like him and I understand why.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: He's very triggering and controversial. I love him. He's so good.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: They have a 72-hour rule. There you go. Never not
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: have sex longer than 72 hours. There you go. I
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: think Steve and I would probably be like a week.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: I don't think there's many times where we go longer
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: than a week. Ours is 72 hours, but yeah, longer
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: than a week and then there's a conversation like how
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: we're both feeling.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's within a healthy time frame.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah. It's good to talk about what is your timeline
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: because I don't think it needs to be a rule
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: the same for every relationship because everyone's different. Yeah. But
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: it's good to know each other when it goes too far.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: Also regimented either. What's our range?
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: What's our range and what works for us?
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: Like what works for Jake and his wife?
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: Exactly.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: It doesn't work, maybe not work for you guys. And
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: like it's just depending on the unique situation.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: For sure.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: So on top of that, I think another really beautiful
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: thing is like in the moment when you're being intimate
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: is to like name what you need, want or desire. Yeah.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: I think communication when you're in the bedroom is so
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: important and, like, something that I've had to learn how
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: to do because, like, the previous people pleaser in me
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: never wanted to speak up in the bedroom. And I
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: always felt, like, bad because I didn't want to critique
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: somebody or be like, oh, this doesn't feel good. Yes,
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: a little to the left.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, literally. No, a little higher. Yeah.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: You know, or to not make somebody feel bad or
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: even to be judged for my own desires and, hey,
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: can you do this? Can you, like, do it like this?
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: Whatever. So I think like learning how to speak freely
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: in the bedroom is very important.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: So true.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: Because you create not only safety for yourself that you
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: can ask for what you need, especially if something doesn't
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: feel good. but you also create safety for your partner
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: to feel safe to bring things in too, to learn
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: how to make micro changes, to lean into each other more,
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: to create more pleasure, or to even explore things outside
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: of the realm of what's comfortable for you too. I
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: just think communication is very important.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: Oh, I love that one. Another one I've kind of
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: briefly spoken about, but I think resentment is probably one
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: of the biggest bedroom killers. If there's something that you're annoyed,
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: and it could be the most minor thing, but like
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: you ask them to take the garbage out and they
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: haven't yet. And it gets the night time and you
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: both go into bed and you look at the garbage
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: and you hop in bed and you're just like, you're
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: annoyed that they didn't follow through on what they said
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: they were going to do. And you know it's full
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: and overflowing and it's just pissed you off because you've
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: done everything else for the day and taken care of
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: whatever the situation.
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you had one job.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: You had one job. Like if you are not communicating
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: that and then they try and be intimate with you.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: Absolutely not. Absolutely not. It's not happening. They're also not
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: a mind reader. So if you don't communicate that with them,
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: they're like, well, what's wrong with you? Why are you
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: in such a foul mood? And it's like, well, it
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: really helps me feel heard when you follow through on
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: what you said you're going to do. And I know
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: it's only the garbage. It doesn't sound like a big deal.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: But now it's just like sitting there that you didn't
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: say you're going to do what you're going to do.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: And now I have to get up and do it
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: in the morning when I've already got enough on my plate.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: My mental load's huge. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. And now
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I've got the ick.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: You know?
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: It's almost like, what would that fall under? Would that
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: be like a fall under acts of service, but then
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: it not being done?
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: Yes. Yeah. And I think just any man not following
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: through on what they say they're going to do is
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: not great for a woman. Creates a lack of trust. Yeah.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: And you resent them. Yeah. You're like annoyed at them.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: Like, no, I don't trust you.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: No, I don't feel like sucking you off right now. Yeah.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: That's the last thing I feel like doing because my
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: garbage is full. But if you'd done that and wiped
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: down the benches and loaded the dishwasher. Maybe. I'm on
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: all knees. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Spicy. She's spicy. We
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: love the spice. It's like you can laugh about it,
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: but I feel like every female listening is going to
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: be like, oh my gosh, I felt like that.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: It is so true because when a man is in
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: service of you, you want to be in service of him.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: And it makes you go, like the more that your
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: man does for you, the more you want to do
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: for them. And you're like, I will turn into a
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: real life porn star. Literally. If you want. But just like,
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: Buy me dinner and bring it home and a snack
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: on the way home.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: Literally. It is so true. And it's like you can
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: get a negative cycle of like resentment and blame and
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: picking on each other and it can be reversed.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: It's like he does that for you. You want to
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: do something for him. It's like this game of like
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: who can top each other.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: And it's this beautiful flow of constant love languages back
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: and forth.
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: Just love being received and given and it's just this
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: beautiful cycle.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: And there's so much effort that you're putting into each
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: other and you're really, like you said, listening for those
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: cues and those hints as to what makes them feel good.
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And then if your man knows that and hears
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: that from the start that being the garbage fool brings
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: you stress, hopefully he's going to take that on board
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: and make sure that this has happened to Steve and I. Wow,
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: I just realized. Years ago, I used to fucking hate
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: taking out the bins. And I just thought that was
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: a man's job. And it wasn't until I cracked it
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: one day. He was like, whoa, didn't realize you hated
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: it so much. I can take the bins out. Now
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: he does it. I barely take the bins out. It's
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: just what he does all the time. And he's got
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: his things that he hates. Like he hates making his bed.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: I love making a bed. And they're like, I'm going
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: to fucking make the bed. Easy done. So it's just
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: like communicating again, isn't it? Absolutely. What feels good and
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: what doesn't. And then you prevent the resentment. But if
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: you're resenting them and you're looking at them with like
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: dagger eyes... It's going to impact your sex life. Absolutely.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: For sure.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: Something that you said highlighted something to me and it
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: was like when you can do the unspoken things for
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: your partner. Yeah. When you do the unspoken things, it's
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: things that they don't have to ask for but you
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: pay attention to like the in-between moments when they say
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: something and they say that they like something and then
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: you implement that. I think that is appreciated more than anything.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: I think so.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: Because I know how it feels when somebody does that
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: for me. I'm like, oh my gosh, thank you so much.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: I feel so appreciated and taken care of right now.
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: And then when you do that for somebody else, they
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: then want to pull back. It's just this beautiful cycle.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: It really is.
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: So something that has been like a huge hack for me.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: Hack, I love it, yeah.
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: Is like talking each other through it in the bedroom,
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: like just talking to each other throughout. And I think
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: if you can go and like do this in your
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: own experience, like it'll be a game changer. But for me,
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: the way that it looks is like the thing that
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: I really desire and crave from a partner, I get
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: my partner to say to me during sex. Mm-hmm. Because
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: for me, that's like my ultimate desire.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: What do you mean?
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: Say for example, like a previous experience with a previous partner,
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: he would say to me like while we would be intimate, like,
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: I'll take care of you. I promise you you're safe
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: with me. I promise you it's safe to let go.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: Like I promise you that like... you can trust me
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: and that like I've got you and that you don't
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: have to worry here.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: So your wounds are being brought in. Yes. Yeah, that's cool.
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: It sounds really like strange.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: No, that's beautiful.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: I realized as somebody who has had a lot of
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: sexual shame and a lot of struggles opening up sexually
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: again after everything, to really allow myself to soften in
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: that moment, I almost need encouragement.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: And guidance.
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: And guidance. So to get out of my head, that
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: pulls me into the present moment like no fucking tomorrow.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: And I'm telling you, like, The level of connection, intimacy,
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: and then also orgasm that I have from being able
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: to let go because I was guided into it.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: That's cool.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: And it was so powerful to realize that I would
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: bring my wounds into it. And then what I noticed,
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: because I realized that that was really beneficial for me,
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: I started doing that back to my partner. And then
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: I would say the things that he would need. Like,
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: you know, I know that you take care of everyone else.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: I want to take care of you right now. And
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: he's like, Bob, like that. It goes such a long way.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: I highly recommend trying it.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: That's beautiful.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: The last one I've got, which I've spoken about before,
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: but music is just such a game changer for me.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: Depending on what mood I'm in or where we're at
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: in our life, I've got like a really slow one.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: I've got one that's called Surrender, which is a bit
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: more like dark, mysterious. Then I've got my spicy playlist,
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: which is the most played. Just songs that like really
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: just turn us on and get us in the mood.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: And I feel like music just creates the environment and
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: the energy that you want.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: It really does.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: Like find songs that turn you on. Find songs that
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: soften you. Find songs that connect you guys. Find songs
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: that Bring excitement or mystery to whatever it is that
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: you're craving, like create a playlist to represent that mood. Absolutely.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: And then communicate the start, like which playlist are we
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: putting on tonight?
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: And it's just fun.