Latest / Powerful Stuff / Repairing resentments and the rite of passage into parenthood: a relationship tell-all with my husband

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Repairing resentments and the rite of passage into parenthood: a relationship tell-all with my husband · Powerful Stuff

• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Powerful.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: It is your girl Mayor here with my husband, backed by popular demand for powerful stuff.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, powerful stuff is all about connecting more deeply to ourselves and thus to others.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: And we figure what better way at 35 weeks pregnant to commemorate the journey, the ceremony that the pregnant pause, so to speak, has been in our relationship.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: The last time I had Spencer on was a few months after our festival wedding at Cielos.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Since then, I feel like we've done a huge initiation in our marriage, the first year of marriage.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: I've talked about this a lot on Instagram where it's like you get married, you say forever, and then it's like your inner children are like perfect.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: Let's prove it.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: And they push each other's buttons.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: That was a whole, you know, deepening the first year of marriage, let's say.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: And then pregnancy is a second rite of initiation.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: So we're certainly not perfect.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: We're definitely still working through a lot of the things that we'll bring up today candidly, but the beauty of powerful stuff is that the power is in the process.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so we're gonna take you guys on a journey of a few of those takeaways from the first year of marriage and now into pregnancy, how we've been navigating that transition as a couple.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, I'm really excited to touch base.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's been a minute since we had one of these, and I'm excited to share all the gritty details of what we've been up to.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's a beautiful moment in time between the two of us, and I'm really excited to go deep on what we've been doing.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: Well, thanks for coming on the show.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Fan favorite.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: All of the couple episodes with Spencer always do so well because it's fun to like, you know, we're uh relationships, whether you're in one or you want to be in one, it's something that we all go through and it's our biggest mirror and it's our biggest coaching container.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: And definitely being married to you in the most beautiful way and also in the most confronting way has been the biggest self-development journey I've been on and still on.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's nowhere to go.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: You really need to face things um head to head.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: You need to like if you don't work on them now, they're gonna stay, and you're just gonna need to face them later on.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: So um, it's been a really big lesson on immediacy and not letting things fester and really addressing the important things as they come up.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Totally.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I uh wanted to touch base, start or you said touch base, and I'm saying touch base.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Let's circle back to use the corporate speak, which you and I are not in that world, but let's double-click on the year after our marriage and like you know what that was like because the year before we got we got pregnant.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um I love when we say we, where you're like, it was a team effort and the baby that we have created is inside of me.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Um you know, let's go back to right before we left on our five-month trip to South America, where we were working remote for five months in Brazil, Panama, Puerto Rico, and what that was like from your end for our kind of rite of passage.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: How did you interpret it?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll jump in with my learnings as well.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: This was the year before we got pregnant.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Travel's been really important for both of us in our life.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what better way to have our like real anniversary than a five-month trip in South America.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: So that was something we wanted to do before we had a family.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um took a lot of commitment, um, obviously to big interruption in life, but it's um something we both hold very dearly.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And uh before the baby's out, we really wanted to have that one last big trip just with us, um, celebrate together.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, coming into it, there was a lot of um turmoil in the world, a lot of tension.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that was when Donald Trump became elected the second time.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of um questions about what's gonna happen.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: We left America in uh a place that felt very um uh uncertain.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: We weren't sure what that was gonna happen in the future.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we carried a lot of that with us as we landed in Peru.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we jumped right into an ayahuasca ceremony.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: The night of the election.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: The night of the election, and then like three more times that week.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: So we were doing a lot of ayahuasca in the Peruvian uh mountains uh as soon as we landed, and that was paired with quite a lot of um uh tension and and trauma within uh what was happening in America and what was happening with us.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's a good point.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: There was like a lot of like collective societal like uproar and tension and turmoil.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I think for us too, you know, we had our our big capstone issue, and tell me how this resonates for you.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: But, you know, what was we were kind of stuck in a cycle where I was struggling for you to empathize with me based on kind of stuff we had we had been through in the past in that past year, and stuff that was being brought up that I felt like was a pattern where I had a fear that you couldn't kind of empathize with what I was going through and what I had gone through for for both of us in the past year.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: And then also as you were starting kind of your own self-development journey, which I'm so proud of you for being on, you also wanted space to share your emotions.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but it was hard for me to hold your emotions or have capacity for them when I wasn't feeling like I was being empathized with, or you would bring them up, you know, once you were flooded, um, when we were in the heat of a discussion or an argument, and then I wouldn't have capacity for them in that moment.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then it would be hard because that was something that you were working on.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: So I feel like that was a dynamic that we were really like sifting through in South America, which was funny because we had no friends to like go to to, you know, distract ourselves from.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: We were really like in it together, like you said, in the plant medicine journeys, just like thrown into the deep end to really like sit with these cycles.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's quite the puzzle because I was just working on my own empathy with my feelings coach.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And shout out Suzanne.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go, Suzanne.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And um, it was like I was feeling the need to express myself, but um, because of the the um my not empathizing with you, um, you were feeling it hard to open up and hear me uh because you haven't felt heard yet uh in a lot of these situations.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: So that took a lot of real thoughtful and like just time um to work through all the things that have built up in you um that I wasn't accessing by not being in touch with my feelings.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: So that took quite a bit, and it was like it was it wasn't like a bunch of big movies, just inching forward to it each time, and there'd be ups and downs, but I think we just got closer and closer every time um as we worked on it.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I think the hard thing too, but hard but beautiful, is that even if you can, we had a Gottman coach, we did a Gottman intensive Gottmans for people who don't know are these amazing relationship couples, psychologists that our friends Jake and Hinata really got us hooked on.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: Shout out, Jake and Hinata, also known as Janata.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: But um, yeah, so we were doing all of this work, you had your feelings coach, I had my coach, you know, we both had gone to Hoffman process, which is actually for those watching on my mug, the logo.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: But but it it takes many, many times because these are patterns that both of us have had in our own lives, in our own shape and form for like three decades.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so when they're being brought to the surface, especially the first year of marriage, where it's like you're really inner child, like I said before, is poking the other to see like, okay, you know, you said forever, what is it?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um, is just a reminder that it's not gonna be solved immediately, or you're not gonna tell your partner your need immediately and they're gonna get it and it's never gonna come up again.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think I sometimes for myself forgot that that was the case, and I would be like, we already talked about this with our couples coach.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like, why is this happening again?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: You're never is is change even possible?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know how it felt kind of from your end going through it.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think we think that after you share things once or twice that it gets really addressed, and you just need to keep on chipping away at it.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like for the things that matter, for the things that go so deep, it doesn't happen quickly.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: It takes time, and that's time that is very emotionally heavy, and you just need to sit together with that.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it becomes more uncomfortable the closer you get to solving it.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's a good point, and it's all about coming back with like compassion and care and being like, okay, I made a mistake again, or we both made a mistake again, and owning it and apologizing, because it's not that it'll never come up again, it's like how you repair after.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what another couples coach had taught us in the past is like not leaving anything unrepaired and kind of owning our sorries or sorries, as you would say in Canada, um, because they are gonna keep coming up, and it's just about recognizing it and taking our own ownership.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: So the one funny thing I'll share about that initial ayahuasca ceremony, and then we can go on to kind of how we eventually solved it and into the pregnancy portal.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, as you mentioned, we had done a lot of ayahuasca ceremonies that week as we were entering into Peru.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: And our intention, we kind of loosely would say, like, oh, we want to be parents, you know, when we get back from the five-month trip.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like that'll be a good time to start thinking about conception.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: And in the ceremony, I was like having visions of my inner child and your inner child hugging and putting down our armor and being like friends and uh, you know, loving each other.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, both of us are like the step parents to each other's inner child.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I it was this like beautiful, profound breakthrough.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: And then I asked you what your experience was that night.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: You want to tell them what you said?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I just said it was, it was, it was chill.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: It was very cool.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, visions and very profound like uh experience and just the sacredness and the the power of the energy around me, but I wasn't going as um explicitly deep on on certain pieces that you know were quite impactful for you.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so it was just like a funny like his brain versus her brain, because he's like, I love the didgeridoo, and he of course had his own beautiful experience.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um but yeah, it was just funny because I was like, yeah, having all these internal metaphors, and then I was like, Well, you know, maybe we don't need to control our partner's breakthrough, and maybe them being present and even keeled is the perfect medicine to all of our internal questions that we're going through, you know.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: I think also we it kind of meets you where you are.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think you had a lot of open loops that you were looking to uh untangle and go through in that experience.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I kind of just needed a breather.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it met us where we were at at that moment.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I agree.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: And then it took like another two months, I'd say, of the trip to really continue to iron out some of those patterns.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like we definitely had a very cinematic moment in the middle of the Amazon jungle.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, definitely.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: It was um, I think what happens is when you have so many open loops, they just keep on building.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: And consciously or not, all those open loops pile up together and make everything else more difficult.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's a it's a negative spiral because there's just so many things that need to be unwound.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: And you're both aware of them, whether or not they're consciously there.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: And when they pile up to be big enough, it feels like impossible.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because as soon as you try to unravel one, everything else comes with it.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it just it's easy to in that moment step away, but that's the moment when you most need to step into it, you most need to lean in and connect and actually work through that because the some of those open loops just keep on growing.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the thing, is then it starts to feel overwhelming, or like, where do we even begin?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: So part of us being in the rainforest, literally, um, was that we didn't have any distractions or anywhere to go.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: It was New Year's, the power was out.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: It was uh we were in the middle of the jungle in Manaus.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Middle of the jungle.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, two boats and two car rides away from Manaus.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the only other tourists there, everyone else was like staff, and they they uh I'm pretty sure they were didn't want to be there because we were the only ones.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, well, and they they taught us how to make some tapioca, which we love in Brazil.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: We were like at a jungle lodge um and living with uh people who were local to the area, and um yeah, but all of that's to say that was our breakdown to breakthrough moment.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I think after that, the trip we were really like in sync for the rest of the trip.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: And it wasn't till our friend Alex and Povin's wedding in Tulum, which kind of ended our trip because we were alone for most of the trip.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: We did see Alex and Pubbin in Puerto Rico and then did like a surf camp in Panama, which was really fun.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then we saw all of our friends from Venice at Alex and Puvin's epic wedding in Tulum.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: And it was the night of their actual ceremony where we were dancing.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I had kind of like obviously we wanted to make sure we got through those like harder moments of disconnection first, but I had already kind of, you know, mentally said, like, when I get back from this trip, like that would be a great time to start trying for a family.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I think you were a few paces behind me if you want to share that.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I wasn't ready.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um what happened for you or what clicked.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: So the plan was do the trip, get pregnant.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I was looking at that, like, okay, I'm really glad we had our trip.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: We got to go experience and see the world again.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: But I just felt like there was so much more to do before we had a baby.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that like what you know, more business, more travel, more hikes, more camping, like more things that I wanted to do within California, around the world.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I just wanted to be in a different place before we had a baby.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: And what I learned now is like pregnancy takes so long.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And those like nine, it's actually 10 months that you spend pregnant, like you're getting ready that whole time.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: So if you think you're almost ready and you become pregnant, by the time the kid's out, you're there.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because that's the direction it goes.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: So what we figured out was like I it was very logical the way I went through it, but uh I'm like, I want to have a boy, I want to have a kid.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: I want to have a kid.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Spoiler alert, guys.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: We're having a boy, he's also happy to have a girl, but I have to have a girl eventually.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but it's good we got a boy first, too.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: And um so I realized I wanted to have a kid, and I know it's gonna be the most important thing I do in my life when I look back at it.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's only gonna get harder the older I get because I'm not gonna be able to experience as much with the kid.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: So the cost of an action is that it's gonna become more difficult in the medium and long term, uh, just for some more short-term discomfort.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: So using that train of thought, the time is now.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I realized on uh Alex and Povin's wedding is like we just gotta make it happen.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: And we're gonna figure out the rest, but time's gonna fix everything that I'm not sure about right now.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it's gonna be so much better to have this kid now than it is in a year, two years, five years.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: So that was the that's how I got there.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: That was the logic.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um yeah, it is funny because that that was a two pieces of advice really helped me because I had also intellectually been like, oh, well, like it when we get back from the trip would be a good time.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be turning 34.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I didn't freeze my eggs or anything like that.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so I wanted to, yeah, just like if I felt like even 20% ready, like start trying and see how it goes.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: And that's an advice that one of my other friends had said is like, she's like, you don't understand how long pregnancy is so long, is until you're pregnant.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, so trust me, once you get pregnant, like biology, everything kicks in to like get you excited about it.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I was like, really?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: Nine months feels so fast, but now I can say being pregnant, I'm like, it's like that Titanic scene where I'm like, I've been pregnant 84 years.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I felt that way by month five.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: So I was like, wow, uh, time slows, it speeds, it does all the things, you're in this like time, space, continuum.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: And another friend also, because I think you and I both had different career paths up until the ones we have now.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: And so some of our friends have been building their businesses for a decade.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: And before I was a coach, I was a founder.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: And um, before you were doing this business, you were doing something else a few years ago.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: We both really love what we're doing right now.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I think both of us were kind of like hoping we had reached different milestones within our own business before bringing a baby into the world.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: But of course, as I coach my own clients, like you can't operate from when then.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: And one of my other best friends, who I deeply admire, who's also a mom, was also like, just get just get pregnant, just do it.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: No, but she was saying, like, it's a myth that you're gonna be like perfectly ready.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're never gonna be ready.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: There's always gonna be an excuse why not to do it.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: But like you said, the cost of inaction can be higher over time.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: And not only that, but she said that sometimes it actually, and most of the time it actually sharpens your focus.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: And as a multi-passionate person, I have like a bunch of things that I love doing and side quests.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, every hour that you're working is an hour away from your child.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: So it actually sharpens and brings into focus the thing you really want to be doing because it has to really light you up, uh, you know, and we're in a fortunate enough place to be doing what we love for our work.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but yeah, it has to really light you up to make you want to do that in the midst of also raising your child if that's what you decide to do.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so she's like, for me, it sharpened my focus, and it was a good reminder for me that it's not gonna be like necessarily this huge detour, but it actually is gonna be a becoming into being even more who I am and even more clarified in that.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the narrative that I'm deciding to choose as I go into motherhood.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's um it's bringing you closer to who you are, and it's the life path that you need to take if you're looking to like what else are you gonna look back at when you're 80?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: What else is gonna be important besides the family you've created and the things that you've done with them?
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: Or your chosen family if you decide not to have biological kids, whatever it might be.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, exactly.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's like your relationships.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're choosing to have kids, it's like such an important and focused relationship in your life.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, I think that those things really helped me.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: And it's so funny because saying it out loud, I like forget about all the amazing women I have in my life who have um, you know, the same year they had kids like done incredible things, like starting with my grandma and my mom.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like, well, my grandma, as some people, some listeners might know, used to be borough president of Queens.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: She was a nurse and then a stay-at-home mom when she raised my mom and her two brothers.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: And then when they left the nest, she got involved in the PTA and then worked into city government and then became borough president of Queens.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: And her whole professional legacy like started in her 50s and 60s.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: And then my mom, the year that I was born, the year after, she went to space, literally as an astronaut and was getting her master's in public health.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so Life doesn't stop.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: Life doesn't stop.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: And if you decide to stop and decide to you have an incredible maternity leave, or decide that you you want to pause, like that's also an empowered choice.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: But the point is that you get to choose.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I've heard it said that kids are the ultimate leverage because you get to create these things and they're in your image, they're literally like Part of you.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then you get to put like the ultimate investment because you put the time in, you raise them, you create what you want, you you make them in your uh the way that you want to create uh their life, and then they go off and do things for the rest of their life for the entire uh rest of their humanity.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they get to experience that um in the way that you've set them up.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: So it's the ultimate investment in terms of long-term uh potential.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's true.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: Long-term potential.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: We're like, we can't wait to meet you.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: You have so much going for you already.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: Mom and dad have lots of plans, but also we're chill and letting you do your own thing.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_01: Anyways, so yeah, I would love to shift into kind of like our experience during the pregnancy.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I love to start it off by saying that I got Spencer a shirt that said, emotional support, husband, do not pet.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_01: He wore it once at the airport with me, and then he's like, This is patronizing.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to wear it.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_01: But that is how I felt, you know, going into pregnancy, I realized for myself like how vulnerable it is.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like you feel both both, it's like a paradox.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: You feel very powerful, creating life.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, if you're like, women's bodies are amazing.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: And today I even just saw my first drops of colostrum coming from my boobs, and I'm like, whoa, this is crazy.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, colostrum is like pre-milk, if people are wondering, or referred to as liquid gold.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_01: But it's also very vulnerable.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_01: In the first trimester, I was very sick, I was nauseous, I had spotting, uh bleeding, which um, you know, kind of kept me from fully being able to relax and enjoy into the pregnancy because we were never sure what what it meant that first trimester when when it would happen.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so it comes with a lot of vulnerability and needing protection.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I'd love just to hear from your side, like how was that first trimester for you as the husband?
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's really difficult to see you going through so many things, and it's obviously the most high-risk uh trimester of all of them.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, this is something you've never gone through before.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, there's a lot of hormonal changes, there's a lot of sickness, and um there's a lot of uncertainty.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really tough because there's not a lot you can do.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: You really just have to kind of wait and use Chat GPT to understand these things here and there, but you really can't do a ton.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that's very it's a feeling of powerlessness because things are happening and you kind of just need to wait, and hopefully you get a test, and it says that the baby's doing fine.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: You go to the OBGYN and you can see the baby's heartbeat.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: That was a relief.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: We both cried the first time we saw the baby's heartbeat.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it was a beautiful moment.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of the moments I'll never forget of just seeing the the baby's heartbeat for the first time and and watching this live thing inside of you.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's like this big little little tiny thing, but it's ours, and it's uh it's crazy to see.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think it is a very like vulnerable and exposed time.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: And it's funny because I feel like, you know, it's like one extended luteal phase of being pregnant.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: We're in your luteal phase, you're like, come closer, get away from me, don't touch me.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: I need some ice water, you know.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_01: And uh pregnancy, I feel like was the same.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel like you and I went through a second initiation with like some of those communication patterns that we were working on the year prior, um, where there was a lot of like adoration and I felt like very protected by you during the pregnancy.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: And then I think there was also a lot of frustration.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_01: It was like a yes and on the same time of wanting you to understand fully what I was going through.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_01: Not sure if you always did, because it's not always top of mind for you the way it is for me, because I'm like living it.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: I think like the things that you did that were great were coming all the time to my OBGYN appointments with me and being really present for that and bringing me food and bed when I was nauseous the first trimester, and like laying with me when I was feeling like anxious around the spotting or doing meditations together.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then I think the things that were challenging were like, yeah, when I felt that maybe we would get into like a some of our old communication patterns, and I wished that the pregnancy was more top of mind for you.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_01: Or like it was an added, like I don't even want to say handicap, but like layer of consideration when we were in one of our patterns.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's definitely more work for both of us to have a kid coming.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: So it's and obviously you having the baby, it's very present um that it's there.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas for me, especially in the first trimester, it there's no indication aside from the morning sickness and that.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I really um the what I really needed to do was just keep on reminding myself that you know, Mary's going through a lot.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: I need to be there for her.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do to help?
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that just needs to be a constant reminder.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_01: And how did you remind yourself or like what was your outlet, you know, for all the other dads or future dads listening or advice to women who want their husbands to like feel more connected in that process to keep reminding yourself?
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I made a recurring notion reminder to make sure that I check in with you every day on how the pregnancy is going and uh what I can do to support.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I think in the first trimester, too, like we were saying, with all the anxiety, it's like really trying to minimize, I mean, minimize stress for the whole pregnancy.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_01: And of course, stress happens anyways.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I like to say too that it's okay if you experience stress while you're pregnant, you know.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's pretty normal.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: The baby, the baby isn't gonna absorb all your stress.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, try to minimize the stress, but it's there one uh or a few healers uh once told me, shout out my friend Alex and this other uh amazing woman who have um gotten body work from where like babies are like wise souls when they're in their your womb.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, don't worry or stress if you're experiencing don't don't stress yourself self out even more if you are experiencing stress or emotions.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's not like the baby is gonna absorb it.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's like a feedback loop of like, I don't want to be stressed.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: If I get stressed, the baby's gonna feel it.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm stressed that the baby's gonna feel it.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm more stressed because I'm stressed, and you just gotta break that cycle.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's tough, easier said than done.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: But definitely like as much as you can do to take the weight off and take the responsibility off, like most of like your body's gonna do everything, is what we've learned.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's like your body does everything, and there's not a lot you need to do besides like keeping yourself fed, keeping yourself rested, and trying your best to relax.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: And with that, you know, I I did appreciate also how you took some of our household chores out of fair play.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like we both had divided some physical chores, like unloading the dishwasher or taking out the trash.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_01: Spencer took a few more of mine off my plate.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: It makes more sense.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_01: Makes more sense.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um, oh, the one other thing I wanted to say for the first trimester too, in the midst of uncertainty during pregnancy or during any transition, right?
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_01: Whether you're pregnant with an idea or a new chapter, whatever it might be.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_01: My mom told me when I called her anxious about the spotting, she was like, the safest the baby will ever be is inside of your womb.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_01: So regardless, like you can't are already you can't control what's gonna happen now, but once the baby gets outside of the womb, it's even more surrender and even more lack of control.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: So she's like, it's better to get on board with that now than to try to control it more because you're gonna drive yourself crazy.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, for 18 years and then 30 years, and she started going into examples of like stuff she's experienced with me.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, one day your kid will get behind the car for the first time, and then they'll call you from a coup d'etat in Honduras when they're 18, which actually happened.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_01: So I was like, you're right, mom.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I think it has been a journey of surrender as well, which as Spencer knows, one of my biggest lessons for myself that I also coach my clients on is releasing control and releasing expectation.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna run the course.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: And the more we think, the more we're the more we overthink it, the more it's just gonna take up our energy.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: And we just need to make sure that we're doing what we can and uh doing it calmly and well.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_01: What's some of the best advice that you've gotten from other dads during this whole journey?
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know you've talked to quite a few.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's just really understanding that a lot of the we just need to suck it up in a lot of the times and and do what we can because you're gonna do more um throughout the pregnancy than we ever could.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: So how can we make sure that it's as easy as possible and uh for you and to make sure that we're supporting you in the best way that we can?
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: Which is how do we help take things off your plate uh metaphorically and add things to your plate, literally?
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: And um, how do we make sure that we are like understanding that when stressful events happen, when you say certain things, um your body's going through a lot.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_01: And what has been the most challenging thing for you to implement in this chapter of pregnancy?
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'd say really like taking my like not being reactive to certain uh moods that you'll come into and um making sure that when those come up, I'm like approaching it with love and compassion.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: Which is gonna be also a good reminder for the kid.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like I mean, there's gonna be a time when our kid's looking at us and saying that he hates us and having a tantrum and kicking us, and like that's gonna happen.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: And we need to detach that behavior from the reality of what like he's experiencing something at that point in time, and we just need to approach that with unconditional love.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: And what unconditional love means there is that those words hurt us, but we love him so much no matter what, that we're gonna be there, listen it out, and just understand where he's coming from.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's not taking it personally, not taking either of our moods personally.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_01: I know you're talking about me with my specific pregnancy moods because everything is heightened, but yeah, it's kind of a continual and a deepening metaphor to the inner to our inner children needing love and care.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um all comes back to the inner child.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and not getting, not taking someone's reaction personally.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, because that's what we'll be doing with our own children, which is a great point.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: And how have you felt, you know, more connected to the process, like during the last few months as well, like in terms of your own self-development work that you've been doing to become a dad?
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's really interesting that, and I think this will resonate for a lot of men, is we are looking to increase the amount of empathy that we feel to lead through our heart more and to understand more from other people's perspective and really uh embody unconditional love.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: And what I realized recently is that what better way to do that than to have a child?
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're gonna definitely lead more with the heart, you're gonna feel unconditional love, you're gonna feel more empathy, you're gonna understand another person's emotions as they're figuring out how to deal with it and what their emotions are because they don't know how to express it yet.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, what a great way to learn these tools uh in a such a holistic and and uh wholesome way.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_01: Trial by fire.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_01: Uh and you said that you got that insight when you went to Hoffman Q2, which is the second level of the Hoffman process, which is a one-week retreat to reparent your inner child.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: So um great way to learn feelings, empathy, and groundedness as a man.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um just have a baby.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, just just as easy as that, guys.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_01: Just a$200,000 coaching container that lasts you 18 years or more.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_01: Um or yeah, 200,000, who knows what the what the range for childcare for those amount of years is.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_01: But, anyways, yes, TLDR.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's a great way to have empathy.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_01: And what's been the most challenging thing for you with us right now in our relationship?
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_01: And how have you thought about it?
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_01: Not just about the child, but within our own dynamic in the pregnancy.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's definitely understanding um and living with the the mood swings that'll happen, as well as making sure that I'm taking on as much as I can with work and us and balancing everything at the same time.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I know it's gonna get even more time crunched when we have the kid, but it feels like a lot right now to balance the businesses and the things that we got to do for the baby and our relationship and making time for that.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: And what we found, I think, is that date night has slipped out um from something that we do, and it's all very tactical for like baby prep and things around um how we make sure that we can set things up.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: And um, our relationship, I think, has been not as prioritized lately, which has been something we just really came to terms with uh recently.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, kind of like what you were saying before of like if you don't set aside dedicated time, things just pile up and pile up and pile up, and then it feels overwhelming to discuss it.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_01: And we had already been feeling that before we were pregnant, like going into the five-month trip.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_01: And then we like recalibrated, and now with pregnancies, there's just so many logistics getting the car seat installed, the hospital bag, like figuring out different um, you know, childcare options.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_01: And so getting ready for birth and moving, we bless you, we moved houses.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's like you said, if we we can end up making our whole relationship right now, just logistics and me going through, you know, insomnia, acid reflux, like having limited energy in this third trimester, also dealing with my own identity um questions around maidenhood to motherhood and what that shift will feel like.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so we realized that we need to prioritize like our actual connection now more than ever.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_01: And something that we talked about and our friends Christy and Fetter, shout out if you guys are listening, who are two amazing friends who also have an adorable little boy.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, so they have crossed over onto the side of parenthood and have been kind of our doulas into parenthood in that way.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_01: But as they mentioned, they have two separate date nights, one for logistics each week and one for just romance.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_01: So you don't bring the logistics into the romance, but you can really focus on the deepening of the connection and then put whatever like open loops you have into the logistics night so they don't pile up.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_01: And it's something we're working on as well.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like we're gonna look back at this podcast and be like, oh my God, we had so much time.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_01: We had so much time.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_01: We're we were crazy.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_01: What were we thinking?
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: But no, it's about making that time for us and making sure that we're still part of it.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that our relationship is uh, and that's been feedback from every parent I've I've heard is like make sure that you still make time for each other.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's all going to be about the kid moving forward.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what that friend of yours said, like 30 minutes a day just cuddling and talking in bed.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: Just intimate time.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what we want our kid to see too.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_01: We want him to see like two parents that really love and respect and cherish each other.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's how you start to teach your kid at first, is like through example and through how you speak to each other.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_01: So we've both been working on not being as reactive to each other, or if one of us is reactive, apologizing and fixing our tone and owning it, you know, and not making again it needing to be perfect, but just like having like that compassion and ownership.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_01: So that's what we're kind of working through.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I agree, I think it was just like the pile up the last few months of things like not um not getting done because we just didn't have a lot of time.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I think both of us are feeling this like pressure toward the finish line of the birth.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, when we finish, there's a new marathon to start, which is like actually raising the child.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so it's really not taking that time pressure on, but enjoying this part of the process together because it is a sacred, like last moment of it just ever being the two of us ever again.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_00: And uh we had a group uh therapy session as well.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I don't know what to call it, but uh we four pregnant couples came together, and everyone we're really just talking about what those big shared things are, and it was really interesting to see the overlap between uh what we were all experiencing.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_01: Totally, yeah.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_00: How, for example, all of us had um body there's a lot of body um things that came up with the woman, how they were feeling, and just like, oh, make sure that I remembered that we feel sexy and that we're reminded of a beauty, the power that we have, um, how a lot of like it was like tough to have to take on more as the man and like to not react emotionally when there was heated things coming up, and just how that was such a big um thing for all of us.
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it was really healing to share that together.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_01: Basically, we have a group of women and men who are all pregnant at the same time called the Preggy Pod.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_01: There's four couples of us, and um, you know, a lot of the time the women will talk about everything, like all the weird discharge we're experiencing, the hormonal shifts, like things we're going through with our husbands, and then we love that you guys have such a good relationship, but also it's like uh yeah, don't maybe necessarily always sit down and like talk about the challenges of going into fatherhood together, what that's like for you emotionally.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so we decided to arrange this night where we each separated for an hour, and then we got um, you know, we talked about a topic that we'd really love the opposite gender to talk about.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_01: And then we presented that topic to them, and each uh team, so to speak, the women and the men had an hour to talk about that.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_01: And then we came together collectively, shared our musings, and then we did breakout sessions with each couple to talk about how we wanted to proceed from there.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so, as you mentioned, the girls one was we wanted to know what it was like for you guys, going through it emotionally as fathers, what you were thinking about, um, how you also thought of our experience during the pregnancy and like maybe the invisible labor and things that you weren't maybe noticing in the day-to-day that we were always thinking about.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_01: And you wanted us to recognize kind of what you were doing or going through during the pregnancy, and also how you could show up and support us in ways that maybe before we hadn't expressed.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_01: And as you mentioned, there was a lot of like common themes around um women with body image or just wanting to feel appreciated or more words of affirmation than you think.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you think you're saying enough, double it, you know.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_01: Uh and for the men, I think we all yeah, really like acknowledged or saw that it's hard for you two, but maybe you don't always have space to feel like you could share that because we're the one carrying the baby.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's really important to carve out these times where you can vocalize your needs.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was really interesting to see how we all had the same experiences, like separately in our relationships.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_00: We're all having those same things come up.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_00: And again, the answer is always just make time for each other.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like for all of these, the answer seems to be just make the time for each other.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_01: I think that was everyone's biggest takeaway is like we all need to like reprioritize and reinstate date night, and things pile up when we don't, and the disconnection can happen so quickly.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I think also as a couple who works really hard on a relationship, Relationship.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's also validating to know that all these other couples were going through some of the intense kerfuffles, arguments, heated discussions that you and I were going through too.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_01: And it wasn't like our marriage was in trouble, but it's just everything's changing so quickly and to have compassion for that because we're not alone in that and our other friends are going through it too.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_01: And when we talk about it, it makes any couple feel like less crazy.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's a um it's obviously a big experience.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, none of us really know what we're getting into.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um so just taking those time and probably just checking in with each other and how crazy this all is.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, definitely, and doing more intentional nights like this with other parents.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I think where the guys can talk to each other, the girls can talk to each other, and it doesn't seem like it's such a big thing.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um yeah, exactly.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I think too, something like you and I have talked about is like we'll close out with this and then some takeaways for the listeners and a quick couples meditation.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but yeah, I think some things that you and I are working on now, present day, are you know, helping each other set boundaries, you helping me slow down and release expectation, and I think continuing to be more empathetic and me asking you to kind of like be our kind of protector of our energetic bubble as a new family and kind of be the spokesperson for the family.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't have to handle all of the other kind of like communication dynamics that can go on with creating a new family unit.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_00: The boundaries are big.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_01: And so um, and so I think it's a a deep work in progress for both of us.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's also why, like the last thing I'll say, and then I want to hear your takeaways before we go into the Medi, is that, you know, that's why we're prepping for birth the way we are.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like as I say in my comedy stand-up special for pregnancy, uh, you know, no way is the wrong way, every way is the right way, however you decide to give birth, but even just going into it with the intentionality of like hypnobirthing and reframing pain as productive.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_01: And um, you know, regardless of what type of birth you plan on having or end up having, us going into it preparing for an unmedicated hospital birth, like it does require training in some ways, even though our bodies are built to birth.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_01: Women have been doing it for millions of years, you know, doing the partner stretching together, doing the hypno-birthing meditations together, uh, you doing the perennial massages for me so I don't tear.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you coming to the doula appointments together and educating each other because you will be my spokesperson when we're at the hospital, um, and kind of protecting my energy and setting the light in the room and also with your partner, the more connected you are, the more oxytocin you release.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_01: The more oxytocin you release, the faster labor progresses.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_01: So it's also these interesting physiological parallels of like the more connected we are, and the more we work through things together, the more you help me reframe the pain of they call them surges instead of contractions in hypnobirthing.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_01: The more I can surrender, the more the safer I feel, the more I can let go, the more I let go, the the easier I work with the pain, the easier I work with the pain, the easier the baby comes.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_01: So it's a really cool metaphor for all the stuff that we've been working on energetically.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_01: And my hope is regardless of how the birth goes, knock on wood for powerful, happy birth, uh beautiful, healthy baby boy, uh, I feel like the connection that we're prioritizing leading up to the birth is really gonna serve us postpartum.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, definitely.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, I'd reiterate all those.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's um about prioritizing each other and making sure that we're playing our part.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_01: And is there anything else that you wanted to say that we're we're working on or you're proud of for us, or advice to the listeners before we wrap up with a quick meditation?
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, don't overthink it.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_00: We're made for this.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_00: So we all know deep down what we need to do and make the time and do it.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, prioritizing connection.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I think things that you and I have done, uh, both of us have gone to the Hoffman process.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_01: You did Hoffman Q2.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_01: We both have coaches.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_01: I've been doing EMDR for myself this journey.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_01: We both have done family constellations clearings to clear generational trauma from both of our lineages.
• 44:33
  SPEAKER_01: And we both have been um, yeah, doing these kind of meditations together and and prioritizing like weekly morning walks together where we can like air everything out.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_01: You've been talking to the baby in the womb every day, putting your head on my belly and talking to him.
• 44:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so all of these little things, like how we can continue to work on ourselves and then each other, and like doing a baby moon where we can have one last sacred weekend where it's ever just going to be the two of us, although he will be here, but inside on the other side of the womb.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, all of these things are really powerful and really important.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_01: And the whole takeaway I hope people get from today's episode is that it's not um perfection.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's connection.
• 45:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a good one.
• 45:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's not perfection, it's connection.
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's not about getting it right with your partner or telling them once and then getting it perfect.
• 45:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's about having compassion and continuing to choose each other amidst the imperfection and continuing to let them know how much you adore them, even when things feel messy or either of you feel crazy.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I know that as a man, watching your woman go through pregnancy, it's also like probably like the evolutionary protector mode provider kicks in.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I know that that's been pressure that you've worked through as well.
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like continuing to for both of us to acknowledge each other's journey and what what we each are bringing to the table.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 46:04
  SPEAKER_01: Is there anything you wanted to add?
• 46:06
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's some powerful stuff.
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's some powerful stuff.
• 46:09
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, everyone.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_01: We'll do a quick meditation with some takeaways and send you all on your way.
• 46:16
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, now that Spence and I have gotten to share our pregnancy portal.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_01: So if you would all just want to take a deep breath in, open mouth exhale, sigh it out.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_01: And another breath in.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_01: Exhale, let it go.
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_01: And third and deepest breath.
• 46:36
  SPEAKER_01: And exhale, release.
• 46:41
  SPEAKER_01: And just thinking, bringing awareness to your womb area, whether you're a man or woman, or listening to this with your partner.
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_01: Just whatever you're ready to birth next.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you know it's time to shed your past identity.
• 46:57
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you're gestating something new, a creative project, a new move.
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_01: And just breathing with it.
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_01: Notice each breath, anything you were gripping to around it.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like falling into the soil with each exhale.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it was something you were trying to control, or a regret, or a hurt, or a when-then timeline.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_01: Just feeling it fall away and feeling that space in your womb start to expand like a golden light and root in.
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_01: And if you have a partner or you're hoping for a partner, envisioning both of your inner children around this new seed that's rooting in.
• 47:54
  SPEAKER_01: Also putting their armor down into the soil and feeling it turn into fertilizer.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's your patterns or their patterns.
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_01: And the more they just sit and breathe with this new seed, the more relaxed and happy you see their faces grow, the brighter you see their faces grow.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_01: And then asking your partner's inner child what they need from you to feel safe to grow this thing with you or your future partner.
• 48:34
  SPEAKER_01: Trusting whatever they say.
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then asking your inner child what they need from you to feel safe to grow this with your partner or your future partner.
• 48:51
  SPEAKER_01: Trusting whatever they say.
• 48:53
  SPEAKER_01: And then feeling your hands and your partner's hands and your inner child and their inner child link around this seed.
• 49:00
  SPEAKER_01: You watch the seed root in and feel it expand, growing from your womb through to Mother Earth and up to Father Sky.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_01: And feeling the expansiveness of surrendering, of allowing the process of letting any pain or tension actually be this beautiful heat and alchemy that you're working with and not resisting, feeling the power of that expand you, opening your chest.
• 49:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then just hearing a word or a phrase from your all-knowing self that reconnects you and your partner back to center.
• 49:38
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's connection or power, whatever it might be, taking a deep breath in and exhale, let it go.
• 49:46
  SPEAKER_01: And then when you're ready, another breath.
• 49:49
  SPEAKER_01: And opening your eyes, coming back into this space and writing those things down.
• 49:56
  SPEAKER_01: What does your inner child need from you?
• 49:57
  SPEAKER_01: What is your partner's inner child need from you?
• 49:59
  SPEAKER_01: How can you both show up powerfully together for this new seed you're creating?
• 50:04
  SPEAKER_01: And like we were saying in the hypnobirthing, like how can you breathe through the pain or the contractions together rather than shying away from them, which makes the pain harder?
• 50:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's like a pain, tension, fear cycle.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_01: How can you do the opposite, which is the trust, relax, allow together?
• 50:20
  SPEAKER_01: I trust that we're with each other through this.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_01: I allow whatever process or emotions need to come through.
• 50:26
  SPEAKER_01: And um, that is what leads to the openness, the birthing of this new chapter.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you all for being with us today.
• 50:34
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you to my husband Spencer for being with me on the whole pregnancy journey and everything in between and all of my mood swings and food cravings.
• 50:42
  SPEAKER_01: Next time we'll do an episode together, you'll see us on the other side as parents so we can follow up with uh all of the musings that we've learned together and let me know how this lands for you guys and what your takeaways are.
• 50:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm excited to see you next week for more powerful stuff.
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_01: Hey you, thank you for coming on this powerful journey with me.
• 51:10
  SPEAKER_01: I hope it was as powerful for you as it was for me.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_01: And if it was, it would mean the world to me if you rate, review, and subscribe to powerful stuff so I can keep bringing you the goods.
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_01: We can keep going on this transformative journey together.
• 51:26
  SPEAKER_01: And if there's powerful stuff that you want to share with me, with the powerful stuff community, tag us on Instagram at that's powerful stuff or the Meredith Baker.
• 51:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I look forward to seeing you next week for more powerful stuff.