Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 189. SEX TAPE: Part 2 Tijana tells all🤯

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189. SEX TAPE: Part 2 Tijana tells all🤯 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apodjay production.
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Speaker 2: Trigger warning. This episode covers conversations around suicidal ideations. If
0:16
Speaker 2: you or anyone that you know is needing support, we're
0:19
Speaker 2: going to leave some helplines below in the description if
0:22
Speaker 2: you need help. It is not weak to ask for support.
0:26
Speaker 1: Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana.
0:29
Speaker 1: This podcast is.
0:30
Speaker 2: About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest,
0:33
Speaker 2: and most authentic version of yourself.
0:36
Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
0:38
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
0:41
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about. Get ready for
0:44
Speaker 1: your next level of self. Hello, everybody, Welcome back to
0:47
Speaker 1: She Rises with Ashy and Tiana twenty twenty six. We
0:51
Speaker 1: promise you guys were really going to step things up
0:53
Speaker 1: and be even more open, more vulnerable, more raw, give
0:56
Speaker 1: more details, more context, more learnings to help you feel
1:00
Speaker 1: more empowered, not so alone. All the good things, all
1:03
Speaker 1: the good things, all that here, she writes, is rising together.
1:06
Speaker 1: It is so last year when Tiana first came on
1:09
Speaker 1: the podcast, one of your first episodes that you did
1:12
Speaker 1: so everyone could get an understanding of who you are
1:14
Speaker 1: and where you've come from and what's happened in your
1:16
Speaker 1: life and how you are the when you are today
1:18
Speaker 1: was all about something that happened to you. Now this
1:21
Speaker 1: is back yeah, last January, so you can go back
1:23
Speaker 1: and listen to it. It was all around your sex tape.
1:26
Speaker 1: This was a video that was released without your consent.
1:29
Speaker 1: Before we get into all the deep questions, by the way,
1:31
Speaker 1: this is a part two. The first episode was you
1:33
Speaker 1: telling the whole story. But since that episode, we've got
1:36
Speaker 1: a lot of dms of girls asking more questions. Yeah,
1:38
Speaker 1: a lot of more details to understand it more. Suppose
1:41
Speaker 1: everyone likes to know the details, find the context. Yeah,
1:44
Speaker 1: So before we get into the deep juicy questions, could
1:47
Speaker 1: you just give a little nutshell for anyone who isn't
1:49
Speaker 1: aware of what happened.
1:50
Speaker 2: What happened, basically, in a nutshell, when I was nineteen,
1:53
Speaker 2: I had a non consensual video of me released around
1:57
Speaker 2: my hometown from an ex partner and his friends apparently.
2:00
Speaker 2: So it was something that kind of spread like wildfire
2:02
Speaker 2: and just completely changed the truejectory of my life and
2:05
Speaker 2: my relationship with myself, my relationship with pleasure in general,
2:09
Speaker 2: and it was something that really has shaped me as
2:11
Speaker 2: a woman, and I li truly believe it is the
2:13
Speaker 2: reason why I do what I do now. But also
2:15
Speaker 2: the mark that it left back then was something that
2:17
Speaker 2: like I don't think I'll ever forget at you know,
2:19
Speaker 2: nineteen years young, so super traumatic.
2:21
Speaker 1: Like any girl listening, can you just imagine making an
2:25
Speaker 1: intimate tape with someone that you love and someone that
2:27
Speaker 1: you trust, and then him releasing it to his friends
2:29
Speaker 1: and therefore getting out to public, to your hometown. And
2:32
Speaker 1: I remember you out public and people had come up
2:34
Speaker 1: to you, or people would be like in the corner whispering,
2:36
Speaker 1: and you could just tell the all eyes were on you,
2:38
Speaker 1: and it just must have been such a hard thing
2:39
Speaker 1: to go through.
2:40
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, it was. Honestly, at the time, it
2:42
Speaker 2: was awful. I remember, like what you just said. I
2:45
Speaker 2: remember being in the gym and somebody had messaged me
2:48
Speaker 2: off a fake account and had literally said to me, Hey,
2:50
Speaker 2: I just want to warn you there is a group
2:52
Speaker 2: of guys behind you watching the video while you train,
2:56
Speaker 2: and I was just like in the moment, I was
2:59
Speaker 2: just like, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. And I
3:01
Speaker 2: remember like literally getting up out of the gym, packing
3:03
Speaker 2: my bag walking out and like crying in the car. Yeah,
3:07
Speaker 2: because it was just I was so embarrassed. I was
3:09
Speaker 2: so embarrassed, Like, you know, especially when you think, like
3:11
Speaker 2: this person who is you know, you think that you're
3:13
Speaker 2: going to spend the rest of your life.
3:14
Speaker 1: Right.
3:14
Speaker 2: I was so young, Right, I hadn't even seen the
3:16
Speaker 2: world yet, didn't know myself. But I thought I loved
3:18
Speaker 2: this person.
3:19
Speaker 1: I truly thought I did, and he thought he loved
3:21
Speaker 1: you in respect, that's right.
3:23
Speaker 2: And so to feel that level of like betrayal at
3:25
Speaker 2: that time of someone who was the closest person to
3:28
Speaker 2: me at the.
3:29
Speaker 1: Time was like world shattering.
3:31
Speaker 2: And on top of that, there's this whole other layer
3:34
Speaker 2: of feeling like violated, being deceived, and for like so
3:38
Speaker 2: many people to see such a vivid video of me naked.
3:44
Speaker 1: Let alone.
3:45
Speaker 2: I don't know how to say this gently, but there's
3:46
Speaker 2: no way to say it, but literally me being penetrated
3:49
Speaker 2: on camera. Yeah, you know, And like when I tell
3:51
Speaker 2: you the angles were bad, I'm telling you the angles
3:53
Speaker 2: are bad. Like there's not one thing that you couldn't
3:55
Speaker 2: see and that people weren't able to like witness happen.
3:58
Speaker 2: My face is in it, all of my most intimate
4:01
Speaker 2: areas and angles, like everything's in it. I was fully one,
4:06
Speaker 2: totally exposed.
4:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's awful. I've got some very deep questions.
4:11
Speaker 1: These have come off what has come into my inbox,
4:14
Speaker 1: and also just questions that I think a lot of
4:16
Speaker 1: people would like to know to give more contexts. So
4:18
Speaker 1: are you ready? I'm open and willing. Okay, have you
4:22
Speaker 1: watched the whole tape? I have? Yeah? Yeah, how did
4:25
Speaker 1: you feel when you were watching that?
4:27
Speaker 2: When I first watched the tape, my heart kind of
4:29
Speaker 2: fell out of my ass.
4:30
Speaker 1: Sounds like a time you dropped, like at the top
4:32
Speaker 1: of a roller coaster. Oh my gosh.
4:33
Speaker 2: Absolutely, I felt so sick, like just my heart literally
4:37
Speaker 2: sank to the floor, and I could feel myself and
4:40
Speaker 2: my shoulders like I felt myself get small, like my
4:43
Speaker 2: shoulders curl over and me just want to like tact
4:46
Speaker 2: myself in so much shame, babe, because I was like,
4:49
Speaker 2: it's one thing for me to watch this, but it's
4:51
Speaker 2: another thing for my whole town and whole social circle
4:54
Speaker 2: and peers and everyone who may know me to see it.
4:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, Oh my gosh, I can't even imagine
5:02
Speaker 1: the man that released this did he get charged. No,
5:05
Speaker 1: he didn't any consequences. No consequences. Interviewed by the police questioned.
5:10
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know to some degree what they
5:12
Speaker 2: did do, but they did keep me updated. So when
5:14
Speaker 2: I went and I left the police report with my
5:16
Speaker 2: parents at the police station down in Wongong, I remembered
5:19
Speaker 2: that they would keep me updated and they said, okay,
5:21
Speaker 2: NEI Rose, what will do is the group of guys
5:24
Speaker 2: it wasn't just him, There was like a couple of
5:26
Speaker 2: his friends, three or four of.
5:27
Speaker 1: His He released it to his friends and then they
5:28
Speaker 1: released it outwards.
5:29
Speaker 2: From there, I imagine, So I imagine that's what happened. So yeah, anyway,
5:33
Speaker 2: it was on his computer and then yeah, there was
5:36
Speaker 2: a few of them. Anyway, all of them got searched.
5:39
Speaker 2: So the police went to their place. They had like
5:41
Speaker 2: a warrant or something like that. They took all of
5:43
Speaker 2: their technology. So they took my ex partners and his
5:46
Speaker 2: three best friends or something like that, all of their
5:48
Speaker 2: technology and laptop. Yeah, confiscated every piece of technology in
5:52
Speaker 2: the house to review all of it and make sure
5:54
Speaker 2: that it wasn't on any devices. That's what I heard
5:57
Speaker 2: from there. Nothing happened because they said to me that
6:00
Speaker 2: they couldn't find it on any of the devices. And ironically,
6:03
Speaker 2: at the time, one of his best friends who also
6:06
Speaker 2: got his stuff taken his dad, was also the constable
6:09
Speaker 2: at police station.
6:09
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, and I detected then.
6:11
Speaker 2: Maybe I found it really interesting that nothing happened after that,
6:14
Speaker 2: because it just went quiet. That's a bit sas they
6:16
Speaker 2: didn't do anything, they didn't say anything. No one got
6:19
Speaker 2: in trouble, and they basically just said because you were
6:22
Speaker 2: seventeen and not sixteen, it doesn't class as child pornography,
6:25
Speaker 2: which means they can't get charged.
6:26
Speaker 1: Just a little slap on the wrist, don't do it again.
6:28
Speaker 2: Boy, there wasn't even that. I think it was just
6:30
Speaker 2: like a bit of a scare tactic of like, we're
6:31
Speaker 2: going to search you and if you have it, you're
6:33
Speaker 2: in trouble. But because they quote unquote couldn't find anything.
6:36
Speaker 1: They're not dumb. Of course they're going to delete it
6:38
Speaker 1: all before please come around, right.
6:39
Speaker 2: Well, if they're sending it around to people I know
6:41
Speaker 2: who's got a copy on his laptop, I know they've
6:43
Speaker 2: sent it around to each other, and people are sending
6:45
Speaker 2: it to me. It has come from somewhere. How do
6:47
Speaker 2: they not have it on their phones? So, you know,
6:49
Speaker 2: how is it not in a message thread? How have
6:51
Speaker 2: they not emailed it to somebody?
6:52
Speaker 1: You know?
6:53
Speaker 2: And I remember like people would literally and it was
6:55
Speaker 2: mostly men. Actually, a lot of men warned me about
6:58
Speaker 2: the video. It was like, hey, like, I just like,
7:00
Speaker 2: I feel really bad that this is happening to you,
7:02
Speaker 2: So like just letting you know so and so has it,
7:04
Speaker 2: so and so has sent it to people. So and
7:06
Speaker 2: so sent it to me, and was like naming and
7:08
Speaker 2: shaming people behind closed doors.
7:10
Speaker 1: It's got to take a certain man to do what
7:11
Speaker 1: he did. So a lot of men that wouldn't do that.
7:13
Speaker 1: They have integrity. Yeah, I'm trying to protect you because
7:15
Speaker 1: they've got sisters, they've got mums, they've got daughters, they've
7:17
Speaker 1: got friends, and they'd be like, oh my gosh, I
7:19
Speaker 1: would hate this to happen to them. You know.
7:20
Speaker 2: No girls warned me that, any other than my best
7:23
Speaker 2: friend at the time, Laura, who actually was the person
7:25
Speaker 2: who came and told me.
7:26
Speaker 1: No women warned me about it. Wow, that's really interesting.
7:30
Speaker 1: I'm really stunned at that. Yeah, that's really sad. Yeah,
7:33
Speaker 1: it was really sad.
7:34
Speaker 2: I felt really disheartened by it because I knew that
7:36
Speaker 2: a lot of women had watched it, and then when
7:38
Speaker 2: it came up in conversation or I spoke about it
7:41
Speaker 2: or something like that, they'd be like, yeah, I've seen it,
7:43
Speaker 2: and I'm like, you didn't tell me, you didn't think that,
7:46
Speaker 2: like you should let me know, warn me, anything like that,
7:48
Speaker 2: And I just remember feeling like, fuck, I actually can't
7:50
Speaker 2: trust anybody.
7:51
Speaker 1: Say did that make you not trust women in general? Yeah?
7:55
Speaker 2: Well, not only did I not trust men, I then
7:57
Speaker 2: not trusted women to because it wasn't just that I
8:01
Speaker 2: was betrayed by a man or someone that I loved.
8:03
Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, cool, now I've got trusted yeah, you know.
8:06
Speaker 2: And then with the women, it was the caddy behavior.
8:09
Speaker 2: It was the bitchiness. It was the literally whispering things
8:12
Speaker 2: under their breath when I was at a bar.
8:14
Speaker 1: Babe.
8:14
Speaker 2: I'd go to a bar and go out on a
8:15
Speaker 2: Saturday night or something, and I'd try to like hold
8:18
Speaker 2: my head up high and pretend like it didn't exist,
8:19
Speaker 2: and pretend like it didn't hurt me.
8:21
Speaker 1: But I was fucking.
8:21
Speaker 2: Crumbling inside, so embarrassed, so ashamed of myself, and like
8:25
Speaker 2: trying to figure out any way that I could to
8:27
Speaker 2: like numb out, which is why I like kind of
8:29
Speaker 2: fell into drinking, because I was like trying to remove
8:31
Speaker 2: the shame that I felt from being like so vulnerably
8:34
Speaker 2: exposed in that way and being labeled a slot and
8:36
Speaker 2: like feeling just like so fucking impure.
8:39
Speaker 1: Babe.
8:39
Speaker 2: You know, I was like, literally, no man is ever
8:41
Speaker 2: gonna want to be with me, knowing that I have
8:43
Speaker 2: this quote unquote skeleton in my closet yea and yeat
8:46
Speaker 2: the bitchiness from the women, Like when I would go
8:47
Speaker 2: to places, it was like I'd walk past and then
8:50
Speaker 2: be a group of people whispering, and then they're all
8:52
Speaker 2: all of a sudden, everyone in unison all looking at.
8:55
Speaker 1: Oh, you just know they're talking about it. No they're
8:57
Speaker 1: not talking about your outfit.
8:59
Speaker 2: No they're not talking No, they're talking about me getting
9:01
Speaker 2: fucked on camera.
9:02
Speaker 1: Yeah.
9:02
Speaker 2: You know it sounds awful to say, but like there's
9:05
Speaker 2: there's no non graphic way to say it that doesn't
9:07
Speaker 2: give it the umph that it is because it is
9:10
Speaker 2: a really confronting thing. And like the reality is and
9:12
Speaker 2: I said this in the last episode, like the statistics
9:14
Speaker 2: on like women who are exposed to things like this
9:16
Speaker 2: and this happens to fifty percent of them commit suicide
9:19
Speaker 2: or they at least attempt to commit suicide because of
9:21
Speaker 2: the shame and the bullying and the social like damage
9:26
Speaker 2: that it does to your reputation and your ability to
9:28
Speaker 2: belong in a community.
9:30
Speaker 1: Yeah, which is survival back in the cavement. Oh absolutely,
9:33
Speaker 1: we're dead. Absolutely yeah. Yeah, oh so freaking heartbreaking. Did
9:38
Speaker 1: the police or lawyers or anyone make a comment to you,
9:41
Speaker 1: maybe family, maybe friends, You shouldn't have filmed it? Why
9:44
Speaker 1: did you do that?
9:46
Speaker 2: I mean no, I feel like, to be honest, I
9:49
Speaker 2: feel like the two police officers that I dealt with,
9:51
Speaker 2: the main guy, he was very protective. He was like,
9:54
Speaker 2: for some reason, very much like a dad energy Like
9:57
Speaker 2: he was like, I'm going to get him. I'm going
9:59
Speaker 2: to make sure he has consequences for this.
10:00
Speaker 1: Da da da, Like have you had daughters?
10:02
Speaker 2: Maybe I think he could just feel for me and
10:04
Speaker 2: like what it ha happened and just felt guilty, I suppose,
10:07
Speaker 2: And so he was really good in that sense. And
10:08
Speaker 2: they never made me feel yet like I shouldn't have
10:11
Speaker 2: filmed it or like I was in the wrong. It
10:13
Speaker 2: was more of like a mistakes happen, you're young, you
10:15
Speaker 2: want to explore it's okay, like things like that. I
10:19
Speaker 2: think I was sorry, Mom, if you're listening to this.
10:22
Speaker 2: I was concerned about my mom saying that to me
10:25
Speaker 2: because my mom is very strong opinionated, and you know,
10:28
Speaker 2: she's a little bit like, you know, I told you so,
10:30
Speaker 2: don't do it.
10:30
Speaker 1: I told you so, And she's one thing she told
10:32
Speaker 1: you not to do. She warned me about it.
10:34
Speaker 2: She has always said from the get go, don't let
10:37
Speaker 2: anybody feel me.
10:38
Speaker 1: And what did I do?
10:39
Speaker 2: I let someone feel me, you know, but it was
10:42
Speaker 2: obviously my lesson to learn. She did in some way
10:46
Speaker 2: say like this is what I was trying to warn
10:48
Speaker 2: you from, but it wasn't like a, oh, I told
10:51
Speaker 2: you so, Tiana, why do you do that? She was
10:52
Speaker 2: actually super supportive, as well as my dad. But I
10:55
Speaker 2: think the disheartening thing that kind of happened was like
10:58
Speaker 2: my dad like went quiet, like he was super supportive.
11:01
Speaker 2: They both were super supportive, but it was almost like
11:03
Speaker 2: he didn't know how to process, like what had happened
11:06
Speaker 2: and that it happened girl, and it happened to his
11:09
Speaker 2: youngest daughter or four daughters and you know, five kids
11:12
Speaker 2: to his youngest daughter, like somebody had released something like
11:15
Speaker 2: that around the hometown that he had built a legacy in,
11:18
Speaker 2: And so I held a lot of shame around that too,
11:20
Speaker 2: because I was like, fuck, now I've tarnished our family name.
11:23
Speaker 1: And I remember the layer. Yeah, oh my god.
11:26
Speaker 2: I felt so embarrassed, babe, because like his dad moved there,
11:28
Speaker 2: started building, so everyone in Warongong knew my granddad and
11:32
Speaker 2: then they knew my dad as well, like being really
11:33
Speaker 2: hard workers in Wongong builders like that sort of thing.
11:36
Speaker 2: And then I was like and here I am, like,
11:39
Speaker 2: here's my sex tape, you know. And there was even
11:41
Speaker 2: a point where my sister and I we clashed a
11:44
Speaker 2: little bit because of it, and she was like could
11:45
Speaker 2: feel her judgment and her shame on it that like
11:48
Speaker 2: it was going to tarnish her name too.
11:50
Speaker 1: Oh yeah. So at the time, yeah, like she's like, oh,
11:54
Speaker 1: isn't your sister with the sex tape? Yeah? Oh yep,
11:57
Speaker 1: that's how you're gonna introt us now, that's right, yea.
11:59
Speaker 2: And so like not that she ever said anything directly
12:01
Speaker 2: to me in that way, but I could just like
12:03
Speaker 2: I could feel the energy there and I could feel
12:06
Speaker 2: they're like, oh, now I've got to deal with this
12:08
Speaker 2: is another thing, you know, another thing that Tiana's done
12:10
Speaker 2: that's like, you know, now going to potentially impact me too.
12:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know.
12:14
Speaker 2: And the reality is at that time I was I
12:16
Speaker 2: was spiraling because I didn't know how to deal with it,
12:19
Speaker 2: and I didn't know how to hold it, and I
12:20
Speaker 2: was so full of shame and I was trying to
12:22
Speaker 2: sew hard to run for myself that I was just like,
12:26
Speaker 2: I just need to numb out, and I did that
12:27
Speaker 2: with drinking.
12:28
Speaker 1: I'm guessing I nott really lonely because it's not a
12:31
Speaker 1: common problem. I mean, I'm sure it is common, but
12:33
Speaker 1: I'm sure you didn't know anyone that you could turn
12:35
Speaker 1: to that was like, oh my gosh, they've been through
12:37
Speaker 1: what I've been through. We're in this together. No one
12:39
Speaker 1: could be like, oh, Tona, I know how you feel.
12:40
Speaker 1: It's like, no, you fucking don't. Yeah, have you had
12:42
Speaker 1: a sex weight released in your hometown, So no, you don't.
12:45
Speaker 1: It must feel really isolating at the.
12:47
Speaker 2: Time, it did, and I think it was interesting watching
12:49
Speaker 2: people navigate how they would respond when I shared it
12:51
Speaker 2: with them. You know, there was like a lot of
12:53
Speaker 2: pity and a lot of oh my god. Like a
12:54
Speaker 2: lot of people didn't really know how to hold it,
12:56
Speaker 2: and I didn't know how tosk kind of like grief
12:58
Speaker 2: kinderlight grief, yeah, for sure. And a lot of the
13:02
Speaker 2: times people would like play it off and like make
13:04
Speaker 2: jokes about and make it lighthearted, being at least you
13:07
Speaker 2: probably look good or like, you know, things like that,
13:10
Speaker 2: but at the time you feel better.
13:12
Speaker 1: I wasn't ready to hold out.
13:13
Speaker 2: Now I can joke about that, and I feel good
13:14
Speaker 2: because it doesn't have an emotional charge as much, whereas
13:18
Speaker 2: prior to that, I'd be like so sensitive about it
13:20
Speaker 2: and be like, pe, you just don't fucking get it,
13:22
Speaker 2: you know. And I felt so victimized by the situation
13:25
Speaker 2: that I did. I isolated myself from everyone, and after
13:28
Speaker 2: that I really struggled to let people in because I
13:33
Speaker 2: didn't trust men, and then I didn't trust women because
13:36
Speaker 2: of how caddy bitchy and like just.
13:38
Speaker 1: Unsupportive they were. Unsupportive.
13:40
Speaker 2: I felt like I had no one and so because
13:42
Speaker 2: of that, I kind of went into myself even more.
13:44
Speaker 2: And that's the moment that I felt like I kind
13:46
Speaker 2: of built this fire in myself of like, well, fuck
13:48
Speaker 2: all of you, I've got to protect myself. And that, unfortunately,
13:51
Speaker 2: like that was the energy that I kind of led
13:53
Speaker 2: with of like mine, I mean by myself, I'm going
13:55
Speaker 2: to take care of myself. Then you know, I don't
13:57
Speaker 2: need any of you, And it's not a good place
14:00
Speaker 2: to be, like to feel like you don't need anybody,
14:02
Speaker 2: But at the time, that's how I kind of protected myself,
14:06
Speaker 2: letting anybody in or being hurt to that degree cachect yourself.
14:09
Speaker 1: Yeah, from what you went through, that's really understandable. Though,
14:13
Speaker 1: if you got the opportunity to have a conversation with him,
14:16
Speaker 1: or say you on the street and he came up
14:18
Speaker 1: to you, or you got to interview him anything like this,
14:21
Speaker 1: would you want to have a conversation And is there
14:24
Speaker 1: one or maybe two things you would like to ask
14:25
Speaker 1: him or say to him that would help you feel
14:28
Speaker 1: more healed or is it kind of so detached from
14:30
Speaker 1: him that you wouldn't even want to talk to him.
14:32
Speaker 2: I feel detached from him, yeah, but I also like
14:36
Speaker 2: sometimes curiosity can get the better of me. Yeah, where
14:38
Speaker 2: a part of me would love to understand like the
14:41
Speaker 2: headspace that he was in at the time to do
14:43
Speaker 2: something like that, you know, But then also as well,
14:45
Speaker 2: I also don't want to understand, do you know what
14:47
Speaker 2: I mean? So there's two parts of me that exist
14:49
Speaker 2: where I would love to just be like do you
14:52
Speaker 2: care that you did it?
14:52
Speaker 1: Do you regret it? Like would you go back and
14:54
Speaker 1: take it back?
14:55
Speaker 2: Like I know that you can't, but like maybe to
14:57
Speaker 2: hear those things and to hear for me, accountability is everything.
15:00
Speaker 2: If I can hear somebody be accountable, I like, cool,
15:02
Speaker 2: you know what, Like fuck, yeah, I forgive you, like
15:04
Speaker 2: thank you for doing that. It's hard to take accountability,
15:07
Speaker 2: but it's when somebody and this is what he did.
15:09
Speaker 2: When I contacted him after and told him what I
15:12
Speaker 2: had heard, he denied it.
15:14
Speaker 1: Oh he didn't even admit it. He didn't admit it.
15:15
Speaker 1: He didn't. And I'm like, okay, cool, what happened then?
15:18
Speaker 2: Because I'd love to know, you know, I'm like, you've
15:20
Speaker 2: literally not you'me in the video?
15:22
Speaker 1: So were how did it get out? Yes, let's do it.
15:24
Speaker 2: If this has destroyed my reputation, for one, it's destroyed
15:27
Speaker 2: my relationship with myself. Couldn't self pleasure, have sex, be
15:31
Speaker 2: intimate with anybody without feeling like this person's going to
15:34
Speaker 2: use me, they're going to abuse me, they're going to
15:36
Speaker 2: go behind my back and like deceive me in some
15:38
Speaker 2: kind of way. And I was always waiting for betrayal
15:40
Speaker 2: on the other side of a relationship. And that was
15:42
Speaker 2: the aftermath of an experience like that is the mark
15:46
Speaker 2: that it left with me was that like, oh my gosh,
15:47
Speaker 2: you can't let anybody in because when you're vulnerable, they're
15:50
Speaker 2: going to use it against you. And in the most
15:53
Speaker 2: vulnerable way of being intimate, when you're literally like open,
15:55
Speaker 2: like physically energetically open to receiving. And that was when
15:59
Speaker 2: I was like damaged the most.
16:01
Speaker 1: So if you to bump into them at a cafe
16:03
Speaker 1: like actually physically oh shit, high, would you spark up
16:06
Speaker 1: a conversation or about it, yeah, or would you.
16:09
Speaker 2: Just be like, uh so, yeah, I don't think I
16:11
Speaker 2: would give it the time of day, to be honest.
16:12
Speaker 2: I've actually run into him on the Gold Coast because
16:14
Speaker 2: he moved up from Wongong up here on the Gold.
16:17
Speaker 1: Coast and you're like, why are you following me?
16:20
Speaker 2: Yeah? Not literally, not long after I moved here.
16:23
Speaker 1: I actually ran into him in a car park and
16:26
Speaker 1: I would you freeze?
16:28
Speaker 2: Yeah, I did because I was in shock a little
16:29
Speaker 2: bit it was him, because I hadn't seen him in
16:31
Speaker 2: so many years. But it was like I was taking
16:34
Speaker 2: his car park and he was in a car full
16:35
Speaker 2: of friends, and I was like, are you like leaving?
16:38
Speaker 2: And I like pointed as if like are you leaving?
16:40
Speaker 2: And he looked at me and he's just like yeah,
16:42
Speaker 2: and then he left and then stared at me the
16:45
Speaker 2: whole way he drove past, and I was just like,
16:48
Speaker 2: what the actual hell, like A.
16:49
Speaker 1: Remember your message? Yeah, I was like, oh my god, babe,
16:51
Speaker 1: you wouldn't believe who I just saw.
16:53
Speaker 2: And in that moment, I didn't have any rage or
16:56
Speaker 2: animosity or like anything that came up for me in
16:58
Speaker 2: that moment. It was more just like a oh, this
17:00
Speaker 2: is such a long time ago, in such a big
17:03
Speaker 2: part of my life back then, and.
17:05
Speaker 1: I was just like, Wow, I can't believe that just happened. Yeah,
17:07
Speaker 1: so confronting my goodness. So a story that you told
17:10
Speaker 1: me is that a really close friend of his admitted
17:14
Speaker 1: that when your ex and all his friends were around drinking,
17:17
Speaker 1: they would sit around the lounge and put it on
17:20
Speaker 1: the big screen and laugh about it. Yeah, can you
17:22
Speaker 1: tell us about how that made you feel? And yeah,
17:24
Speaker 1: who told you that?
17:25
Speaker 2: At the time when I found out I actually had
17:27
Speaker 2: a new partner, he was very protective over me at
17:30
Speaker 2: the time, but we also did have a couple of
17:33
Speaker 2: issues because of it. I'll tell you about that in
17:34
Speaker 2: a minute. But he was also good friends with a
17:37
Speaker 2: friend of theirs. Oh right, They had been friends for
17:39
Speaker 2: a really long time. I'm talking like in Wollongong, so
17:41
Speaker 2: everyone knows everyone. They'd been friends for like a good
17:43
Speaker 2: ten years. He was also one of their best friends.
17:46
Speaker 2: So my ex boyfriend messaged and was like, Hey, can
17:49
Speaker 2: I talk to you about something? Like, obviously you know
17:51
Speaker 2: about the video. You know that it exists, Da da
17:53
Speaker 2: Datian is really struggling. Can you please tell us anything
17:56
Speaker 2: that you know about it, because like, I'd really love
17:58
Speaker 2: to get to the bottom of this because it's like
17:59
Speaker 2: trying to help me work it out. And then I
18:01
Speaker 2: was like, if there's anything you know they put on
18:03
Speaker 2: the big screen and they were all drinking in their
18:06
Speaker 2: boys house and like watching it on the screen and
18:09
Speaker 2: like told me the names of the guys and that's
18:11
Speaker 2: how I knew how to give the names to the police.
18:13
Speaker 1: Because yeah, it's absolutely disgusting and like, I'm sorry, what
18:16
Speaker 1: are you doing? You're just sitting around in a group
18:18
Speaker 1: having a wang over this video, Like what do you
18:19
Speaker 1: mean you're watching this video together? And what do you mean?
18:23
Speaker 1: I just I can't understand why that's a good idea.
18:25
Speaker 2: And you know, it's even like more embarrassing, like I
18:27
Speaker 2: feel for me, not for me, but like just yuck
18:29
Speaker 2: on them. Yeah, three of the guys from the group
18:32
Speaker 2: who sat and watched the videotape all tried to get
18:34
Speaker 2: with me after and they were all his best friends,
18:37
Speaker 2: three of them. That makes me feel so fucking violated
18:40
Speaker 2: because one you're his best friends, and two you've also
18:43
Speaker 2: sat around a couch and watched me have sex with
18:46
Speaker 2: literally one of your best friends.
18:48
Speaker 1: And now you do you think they internally spoke about that,
18:50
Speaker 1: like or wanting to get with you or do you
18:52
Speaker 1: think they was like a forbidden Like I don't know,
18:55
Speaker 1: I don't know, I sound like a fucking game that
18:56
Speaker 1: they were all like, oh, let's see who can get
18:58
Speaker 1: with her neck.
18:58
Speaker 2: I don't know, you know what it does sound give them,
19:00
Speaker 2: but that's what I mean. It does feel a little
19:02
Speaker 2: bit like that of like oh, well, maybe she's easy.
19:04
Speaker 1: Maybe just the immaturity of that, Like that just sounds
19:07
Speaker 1: so immature.
19:07
Speaker 2: We were also like young, I think they would have been.
19:10
Speaker 2: At the time when I made the video, I was seventeen,
19:12
Speaker 2: so they were all nineteen, so only two years older
19:14
Speaker 2: than me. And when I found out, I was nineteen,
19:17
Speaker 2: so they a would have been like twenty one. All
19:18
Speaker 2: super young in the head, you know, super immature, like
19:21
Speaker 2: not very respectful, but makes my body like shudder, it's disgusting,
19:25
Speaker 2: you know.
19:26
Speaker 1: Sorry, Alow. There's so many layers to it. Hey, it's
19:29
Speaker 1: like not only the actual event, it's the aftermath of
19:32
Speaker 1: all of these extra things. Yeah, but you have to
19:34
Speaker 1: then deal with you can't just escape it and move
19:36
Speaker 1: on with your life.
19:37
Speaker 2: Well, there also is like a lot of dissociating after that.
19:41
Speaker 2: So when it came to like having sex and being
19:43
Speaker 2: intimate with partners after that, I remember this one partner
19:45
Speaker 2: that I had, Levi. He was such a beautiful partner,
19:48
Speaker 2: incredible human being, and we just like didn't work out.
19:50
Speaker 2: We just like weren't aligned long term. And I remember
19:55
Speaker 2: like being intimate with him and feeling myself dissociate and
19:59
Speaker 2: just like not being fully present, and I remember from
20:02
Speaker 2: that video. After that, because I was so emotionally and
20:05
Speaker 2: mentally checked out, I started to like perform in the bedroom.
20:10
Speaker 1: So it was.
20:10
Speaker 2: Really about, Okay, well, I have a duty as a
20:13
Speaker 2: partner to like be intimate with my partner. This is
20:15
Speaker 2: the story I was telling myself. I had a duty
20:18
Speaker 2: to be intimate with my partner, so I have to
20:21
Speaker 2: give them what it is they need in a relationship.
20:23
Speaker 2: I'm not here mentally, but I've still got a shot
20:25
Speaker 2: up for them. And so it was like me dissociating,
20:29
Speaker 2: not fully being there, performing putting on a show, but
20:32
Speaker 2: then like afterwards, not feeling satisfied, connected, even safe in
20:35
Speaker 2: my own body.
20:37
Speaker 1: Oh so much. I felt so like lifeless after that.
20:41
Speaker 2: And I don't know if I've shared this on the
20:42
Speaker 2: podcast before, but I feel like I've been a pretty
20:45
Speaker 2: sexual being from a really young age.
20:46
Speaker 1: So I started to self pleasure.
20:48
Speaker 2: From a really young age, very curious about myself and
20:51
Speaker 2: my body, and then to go the complete opposite way
20:54
Speaker 2: where I felt super sexual, super open, super curious about
20:58
Speaker 2: my body, to feeling all this shame that like literally
21:02
Speaker 2: the moment I would self pleasure or something that my
21:04
Speaker 2: thoughts to be like, Nope, you're so bad.
21:06
Speaker 1: Nope, you're shame. Nope, you're disgusting. No, you're dirty. You
21:08
Speaker 1: shouldn't want this. Why do you want this?
21:10
Speaker 2: And then when I do it with a partner, I'd
21:12
Speaker 2: let myself like relax for a minute and let it in,
21:15
Speaker 2: and then I'd be like, Nope, you're a slot. Nope,
21:17
Speaker 2: you're impure. They're not gonna love you. No, why would
21:19
Speaker 2: they want you? Why would they want to stay with you?
21:20
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, when they find out about the video,
21:22
Speaker 2: they're going to.
21:23
Speaker 1: Leave you, you know. So it was like this.
21:25
Speaker 2: Constant battle with my own mind, of my own shame,
21:29
Speaker 2: everybody else's judgment. Yeah, and then just this huge disconnection
21:34
Speaker 2: from my own body.
21:35
Speaker 1: Gosh, it's a lot, isn't it. If you were to
21:38
Speaker 1: pinpoint why they all put on the big screen, what
21:40
Speaker 1: do you think they actually got out of it? Do
21:41
Speaker 1: you think it was humor, ego, dominance, bonding, envy? Like
21:46
Speaker 1: what do you think they were getting out of that?
21:48
Speaker 1: Because in my head, I'm like, you guys are sick.
21:50
Speaker 1: Are you literally sitting around having a wing together? Like
21:52
Speaker 1: why are you watching that? That's like a pornographic clip? Yeah,
21:55
Speaker 1: Like what do you mean you're sitting around just chilling
21:57
Speaker 1: having a beer, like, let's watch this tape. Like that's
22:00
Speaker 1: just my brain can't understand why that's a good idea.
22:04
Speaker 1: I don't know. I think I imagine. I don't know.
22:06
Speaker 2: The only way that my brain can process it is like, oh,
22:08
Speaker 2: like Brownie Points with the Boys, right, that makes sense,
22:11
Speaker 2: you know, like oh I'm cool.
22:13
Speaker 1: You know when like boys sleep around, it's like, oh,
22:14
Speaker 1: your legend you've got on the weekend. Oh for my girl,
22:17
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my gosh, you're a blood. Yeah
22:19
Speaker 1: she's double standard. Yeah, you know, why is it like that?
22:22
Speaker 1: That's so weird, it's so awful.
22:23
Speaker 2: But yeah, that's what I imagine it would be of
22:25
Speaker 2: like Brownie Points with the Boys, of like, oh I
22:27
Speaker 2: had sex with this person, even though with a relationship
22:29
Speaker 2: like three years, which is gross for one, but yeah,
22:33
Speaker 2: to just be like, look, well I've got on take
22:34
Speaker 2: you can watch it. Yeah, you know, look at what
22:36
Speaker 2: she's like in the bedroom, like yuck.
22:39
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh yeah it makes me angry sometimes I can
22:42
Speaker 1: feel anger right now of course, just like fuck you? Yeah,
22:45
Speaker 1: how dare you gross? Oh? I know as your best friend? Now,
22:49
Speaker 1: Like I just so hate that I wasn't there for
22:51
Speaker 1: you back then, because I feel like I would have
22:53
Speaker 1: been such a good support system. I just would have
22:54
Speaker 1: hate the thought of you going through that alone. Then.
22:57
Speaker 1: I can imagine like some of the people around you
22:59
Speaker 1: would have felt so helpless and not knowing how to
23:02
Speaker 1: protect you and support you. But I just think I
23:05
Speaker 1: would have wanted to keep reminding you like that that
23:07
Speaker 1: incident doesn't have to define who you are, and get
23:09
Speaker 1: reminding of you of the beautiful parts of who you are.
23:12
Speaker 2: You know, you would have been the best support that
23:13
Speaker 2: I would have loved to have you there with me.
23:15
Speaker 2: But I think at the time, I think I held it.
23:18
Speaker 1: Well, oh, it sounds like you did incredible.
23:20
Speaker 2: Yeah, And not to like boast or anything like that,
23:22
Speaker 2: because I was fucking crumbling inside. But I was scared
23:26
Speaker 2: of letting people see how much it impacted me because
23:28
Speaker 2: I felt like I needed to be the strong one.
23:30
Speaker 2: And we talk about this often of being like, well,
23:32
Speaker 2: I need to put on this facade so that people
23:34
Speaker 2: don't see what's really going on for me, and to
23:36
Speaker 2: see how shameful I feel, how dirty I feel, how
23:40
Speaker 2: disgusting I feel in my own skin, that I literally
23:42
Speaker 2: want to crawl out of it every fucking day because
23:44
Speaker 2: people have literally seen my body in a way that
23:46
Speaker 2: I didn't give them permission to and to know that
23:49
Speaker 2: that felt like it was taken away from me without
23:51
Speaker 2: my choice.
23:53
Speaker 1: That was the hardest part to deal with.
23:54
Speaker 2: But I feel like I didn't really let people in
23:56
Speaker 2: because after that I closed it up. Even with all
23:58
Speaker 2: my close friends, I didn't talk about it. I didn't
24:00
Speaker 2: want to bring it up. If they brought it up,
24:01
Speaker 2: I would shut it down. If they brought it up,
24:03
Speaker 2: I would drink. I would go out every weekend jokes
24:06
Speaker 2: about it, get fucking sloshed. Like no, I just would
24:09
Speaker 2: try not to. Yeah, okay, you know I probably act like,
24:11
Speaker 2: oh fuck, well whatever, it's already out there, now, what can.
24:14
Speaker 1: I do about it?
24:14
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, that kind of thing, and brush it off.
24:17
Speaker 2: But honestly, like, yeah, it was so yeah, anxiety ridding.
24:21
Speaker 2: I guess like I lost all my social skills, couldn't
24:24
Speaker 2: communicate with people anymore. Was really scared to talk to
24:27
Speaker 2: people for the first time because I thought like they
24:30
Speaker 2: had already seen it and I mentioned, yeah, oh wow,
24:33
Speaker 2: they're thinking about me having sex on camera, like whatever.
24:37
Speaker 2: Watching a three minute long video you know.
24:39
Speaker 1: The hell long it went for Yeah, all right, this
24:43
Speaker 1: is more of a heavier question. But I know in
24:45
Speaker 1: the previous episode that you had like suicidal thoughts. Can
24:49
Speaker 1: you take us back to the moment where you first
24:52
Speaker 1: felt that and how far you went with it and
24:55
Speaker 1: what you did to work through that.
24:58
Speaker 2: I think from the moment that I found out, which
25:00
Speaker 2: was the night that Laura came over, I remember sitting
25:04
Speaker 2: in the shower and just feelings so out of sorts,
25:06
Speaker 2: like I just felt like the shower. This is going
25:09
Speaker 2: to be a bad explanation, but it's kind of like
25:10
Speaker 2: when you're on mushies and you're like the room is
25:12
Speaker 2: changing and things like that.
25:13
Speaker 1: It felt like the floor was sinking.
25:16
Speaker 2: It's like everything in my life exploded, imploded, and nothing
25:20
Speaker 2: mattered anymore. And like the words of family members didn't
25:24
Speaker 2: mean anything. They didn't touch the sides. Anything that my
25:26
Speaker 2: friends could have said didn't touch the sides. I just
25:28
Speaker 2: felt so alone and like in the dark that I
25:32
Speaker 2: just immediately started dumbing out, like.
25:34
Speaker 1: I couldn't sit with it. I couldn't sit with it.
25:36
Speaker 1: I ran from it. I avoided it.
25:38
Speaker 2: But the thing with that is the more that I
25:40
Speaker 2: ran from it the worse that it got because with time,
25:44
Speaker 2: I would bender and I would go out for three
25:47
Speaker 2: days of the weekend and I would come home and
25:49
Speaker 2: I would be so fucking depressed for the next week
25:52
Speaker 2: coming down. And every single time I did that, it's
25:56
Speaker 2: stacked because I didn't face it, I avoided it. I
25:59
Speaker 2: suppressed it, and then when I would drink the next
26:02
Speaker 2: couple of days, it would come out like so bad,
26:04
Speaker 2: and I would be like sitting on my balcony at
26:07
Speaker 2: my apartment in Wongong, and It'd be five am in
26:10
Speaker 2: the morning and I'd be fucking sobbing, babe. I'd be
26:13
Speaker 2: like hysterically crying on my balcony, just like fucking like shaking,
26:19
Speaker 2: and like I remember this one time I lived with
26:21
Speaker 2: my sister Chantal and she had a boyfriend at the time,
26:23
Speaker 2: and I remember coming home and again it was another
26:25
Speaker 2: five am coming home because I didn't want to be alone.
26:28
Speaker 2: I didn't want to face myself, I didn't want to
26:29
Speaker 2: sit with it. I didn't want to feel like I
26:31
Speaker 2: wanted to get out of my own skin. So I'd
26:33
Speaker 2: go and I'd lay in bed with her her boyfriend.
26:35
Speaker 2: W'd be on the side shant I'll be in the middle.
26:36
Speaker 2: I'd be on this side, she'd be hugging me, and
26:38
Speaker 2: I'd just be like hysterically crying, like profusely, just like
26:42
Speaker 2: like I just couldn't face it, and the drinking allowed
26:45
Speaker 2: me to suppress a lot of it. But in terms
26:48
Speaker 2: of how far I took it, I feel like I
26:51
Speaker 2: definitely went to thoughts of feeling like if I just
26:53
Speaker 2: like take a couple of pills, and like I take
26:55
Speaker 2: too many of them, then at least that would be
26:56
Speaker 2: like an easy way to go, and then it won't
26:59
Speaker 2: be too traumatic for my family because I felt like
27:01
Speaker 2: a burden, you.
27:03
Speaker 1: Know, fantasized about not being here.
27:05
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and I thought that would be like the
27:07
Speaker 2: easiest way to go.
27:08
Speaker 1: Did you think it'd be easier for your family too.
27:10
Speaker 2: No, I didn't think about that at the time. Yeah,
27:12
Speaker 2: just to be fair, Yeah, that's not where my head
27:14
Speaker 2: went at first. My head went there afterwards when I
27:17
Speaker 2: thought like, oh fuck, like my thoughts are getting pretty
27:20
Speaker 2: dark right now. I can't believe I've been considering this
27:22
Speaker 2: or like there would be times where I'd literally be
27:24
Speaker 2: in the car and I'd be like if I just
27:25
Speaker 2: like go into the pole, like it'll be fine, yeah,
27:28
Speaker 2: you know, and it'll happen instantly, and like, this is
27:30
Speaker 2: really we should put a fucking trigger warning on this.
27:32
Speaker 2: Actually yeah we will, but yeah, if I just do that,
27:35
Speaker 2: like it'll be fine. And so the combination of feeling
27:38
Speaker 2: all those things, being scared to feel suppressing and numbing
27:41
Speaker 2: and also just like fucking hating myself, babe.
27:44
Speaker 1: So how did you talk yourself out of that? Because
27:46
Speaker 1: it's a pretty deep dark hole. There is a process
27:50
Speaker 1: to move out of that low rock bottom state of
27:53
Speaker 1: not wanting to be on earth. Like what was your
27:55
Speaker 1: process to move out of that?
27:57
Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing was, like I had one
27:59
Speaker 2: of those moments where I was like bending heaps and yeah,
28:02
Speaker 2: drinking all the time, getting on benders, doing lots of
28:05
Speaker 2: like party and recreational drugs and things like that. Had
28:08
Speaker 2: too big of a weekend one time, and I came
28:11
Speaker 2: out of the weekend or supposed to go to work
28:12
Speaker 2: on Monday, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't get out
28:15
Speaker 2: of bed for the next day either, and my neck
28:17
Speaker 2: started to stiffen up, and I realized by Friday that
28:20
Speaker 2: like my neck was paralyzed.
28:21
Speaker 1: I couldn't move it. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat,
28:23
Speaker 1: I couldn't do anything. I couldn't move.
28:25
Speaker 2: I would cry all night for like three days straight. Anyway,
28:28
Speaker 2: I ended up going to the hospital and they told
28:30
Speaker 2: me that my neck was like temporarily paralyzed because of
28:32
Speaker 2: whatever party drugs I had taken. So I had to
28:34
Speaker 2: get like a needle that was like as long as
28:36
Speaker 2: the thirty centimeter ruler in my spine to take out
28:39
Speaker 2: the fluid in my spine to see what was happening
28:41
Speaker 2: in the vertebras of my neck.
28:43
Speaker 1: And with that, they basically kept me in.
28:46
Speaker 2: The hospital for like twenty four hours or something flushed
28:49
Speaker 2: my system out whatever, and they basically just said to
28:51
Speaker 2: me like, if you want to keep going this way,
28:52
Speaker 2: you'll die by the time you hit thirty. And that
28:56
Speaker 2: kind of like scared me and just like shook me up.
28:58
Speaker 2: And after that I got tests work with a nature
29:00
Speaker 2: path and I was just like, Okay, like I need
29:02
Speaker 2: to stop partying for one. If I'm going to stop
29:04
Speaker 2: doing this cycle of really highs and really lows, I'm
29:07
Speaker 2: going to have to stop partying.
29:09
Speaker 1: So I did.
29:09
Speaker 2: I weaned off alcohol, stop doing drugs, stop partying, and
29:12
Speaker 2: kind of clean up my life in that aspect and
29:15
Speaker 2: then just kind of poured my focus into training. And yeah,
29:19
Speaker 2: I think like getting off alcohol and drugs and then
29:22
Speaker 2: pouring my time and effort and energy into training really
29:25
Speaker 2: really helped me. And I think even now to this day,
29:28
Speaker 2: like when I feel overwhelmed or I'm sad, or I'm anxious,
29:32
Speaker 2: or even back when I was having panic attacks, like
29:34
Speaker 2: I would go to the gym, or i'd go for
29:35
Speaker 2: a walk, or I'd literally go and i'd sit and
29:37
Speaker 2: I'd be doing my lap pull downs and I'd be
29:39
Speaker 2: fucking balling my eyes out, but I would just be
29:41
Speaker 2: doing it for moving the energy, and so that became
29:44
Speaker 2: kind of like my lifeline in that time.
29:46
Speaker 1: And then, yeah, I think.
29:49
Speaker 2: Just like reframing the thoughts of like this can't be
29:51
Speaker 2: all there is for me. Yeah, you know, I think
29:54
Speaker 2: once I experienced those thoughts, I was like, Okay, that's
29:57
Speaker 2: a possibility. I can go down that right if I
29:58
Speaker 2: want to. But do I really want to let something
30:01
Speaker 2: like this be the reason why I don't progress in
30:03
Speaker 2: my life or why I don't, you know, go down
30:06
Speaker 2: a path that I'm really proud of.
30:07
Speaker 1: You know, I always felt like I was a.
30:09
Speaker 2: Big vision, big dreamer kind of girl, and I always
30:11
Speaker 2: knew that I had that in me, but I didn't
30:13
Speaker 2: know how to get there because I was fucking up.
30:15
Speaker 1: My life so bad, drowning. I was drowning, babe.
30:18
Speaker 2: And because I was doing that, it felt so far
30:20
Speaker 2: away that I was like, is that even possible for me?
30:22
Speaker 2: I don't know how do I get there? I'm so
30:23
Speaker 2: far away from that. I actually don't know how to
30:25
Speaker 2: get there. And then yeah, So with that thought in mind,
30:29
Speaker 2: I was like, Okay, well, what would a version of
30:31
Speaker 2: me that I'd actually be proud of, Like, what's the
30:33
Speaker 2: next step that she would take? I don't need to
30:35
Speaker 2: fucking climb the ladder, but I just need to like
30:37
Speaker 2: tast it. What can I do now in this moment
30:39
Speaker 2: to feel proud of myself and to start rebuilding that
30:41
Speaker 2: relationship with myself again so that I don't fucking hate
30:44
Speaker 2: being in my own skin because that's how it felt,
30:46
Speaker 2: you know.
30:47
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I.
30:48
Speaker 2: Think just like step by step that stopping drinking, working
30:52
Speaker 2: on like my fitness and my health, and ultimately I
30:55
Speaker 2: think the biggest not I think, I know, the biggest
30:57
Speaker 2: thing that changed my life was actually hiring a life coach.
31:00
Speaker 2: And I say this often. I've said this literally three
31:02
Speaker 2: times in the last week. Hiring a life coach was
31:05
Speaker 2: the best thing that I ever did for myself. And
31:06
Speaker 2: I owe my life to this work because otherwise I
31:09
Speaker 2: would probably be somewhere very bad, worse off. That's why
31:13
Speaker 2: you do it right now, That's why I do it,
31:15
Speaker 2: and that's why I think like I can hold my
31:16
Speaker 2: clients in the way that I do with no judgment,
31:19
Speaker 2: with no biased opinion, create a safe space, like there's
31:21
Speaker 2: nothing that you can bring in here that like, I
31:23
Speaker 2: don't think I've either done worse or judged myself for
31:27
Speaker 2: worse way back when. But because I've been able to
31:29
Speaker 2: move through it myself, I feel like I hold the
31:31
Speaker 2: space really beautifully for the women and.
31:33
Speaker 1: The gift in what's happened, isn't it.
31:34
Speaker 2: And the reality is like a lot of women carry
31:37
Speaker 2: a lot of sexual shame, and it is at the
31:39
Speaker 2: root a lot of self doubt and self shaming and
31:42
Speaker 2: you know, self punishment and all those things. So I'm
31:45
Speaker 2: really grateful and glad that I've been able to go
31:47
Speaker 2: through this because it allows me to hold women in
31:49
Speaker 2: a way where they immediately can come to me and
31:51
Speaker 2: open up and know, oh my gosh, she's not going
31:53
Speaker 2: to judge me.
31:53
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh my god. I feel so safe, you know.
31:55
Speaker 2: And I truly believe that I wouldn't be able to
31:57
Speaker 2: do what I do now if I didn't have that experience,
32:00
Speaker 2: go through the sexual shame. Have to claw my way
32:02
Speaker 2: out of that experience and reconnect with my body in
32:05
Speaker 2: a way that pleasure feels safe now, you know.
32:07
Speaker 1: And it's still a work in progress.
32:09
Speaker 2: It's not all the way there, but like I'm working
32:12
Speaker 2: on it, and I think it'll always be something that
32:14
Speaker 2: will continuously come back up. But I am just proud
32:17
Speaker 2: of myself for the way that I navigated that situation
32:20
Speaker 2: at nineteen years old and just how I've been able
32:23
Speaker 2: to come into myself as a woman, also with the
32:25
Speaker 2: help and support of the people around me, my coaches,
32:28
Speaker 2: endless amounts of money, time effort that I've poured and
32:31
Speaker 2: consistently chose every single day to continue to become a.
32:34
Speaker 1: Better version of myself. Choose yourself. And if you see, you.
32:38
Speaker 2: Know, my content on social media, it's why I talk
32:40
Speaker 2: about so much becoming someone that you're proud of self
32:44
Speaker 2: worse self worth because I didn't have any at one point.
32:48
Speaker 2: I know what it feels like to have had none
32:50
Speaker 2: and to be on the other side of that and
32:51
Speaker 2: to feel like, holy shit, I'm so proud of the
32:53
Speaker 2: person that I am, the choices I'm making, who I'm
32:56
Speaker 2: choosing to be, the way that I choose to think,
32:58
Speaker 2: because it could have gone a very different way for you,
33:01
Speaker 2: you know, just like what it could for you, And
33:03
Speaker 2: I'm sure you've had your own moments of that too,
33:05
Speaker 2: Like none of us are exempt from hard times, challenging situations,
33:09
Speaker 2: self doubt, you know, mental shame, spirals, all of it.
33:12
Speaker 2: Like none of us are exempt from that.
33:14
Speaker 1: What advice do you have for someone This is a
33:16
Speaker 1: completely different question, but it did come through our dms
33:19
Speaker 1: once and people like filming themselves. What advice would you
33:22
Speaker 1: have with someone that enjoys making videos with their partner?
33:26
Speaker 1: Would you tell them not to do it? This has
33:27
Speaker 1: come up in a conversation for me and you because
33:29
Speaker 1: I haven't app called the vault and you need an
33:33
Speaker 1: extra password to get into. But I still, after hearing
33:35
Speaker 1: your story, I still get scared to have that vault,
33:37
Speaker 1: even though I don't think anyone can actually get into it,
33:39
Speaker 1: because it's an extra passord on top of my password.
33:41
Speaker 1: But like I remember when I told you you're still like, yeah,
33:45
Speaker 1: but that was my own stuff coming up in the moment.
33:47
Speaker 1: But it's also to protect because you've seen what can
33:49
Speaker 1: happen if the video gets released on I think context
33:51
Speaker 1: is important. I don't know.
33:52
Speaker 2: There's no right or wrong answer to this, to be honest,
33:54
Speaker 2: I think it's personal preference and like just like listen
33:57
Speaker 2: to your intuition.
33:58
Speaker 1: Would you tell your daughter not to do it? That's
33:59
Speaker 1: a better question. Would you tell Tala not to let
34:02
Speaker 1: any men film her? Yeah? Probably don't be coached? Tiana, like,
34:04
Speaker 1: would you That's not the best idea.
34:06
Speaker 2: To be honest, I don't know if this is like
34:08
Speaker 2: still my trust issues like coming out, I think, don't
34:11
Speaker 2: do it.
34:12
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's not worth it.
34:13
Speaker 2: Yes, for five seconds of fun, Yeah, it's not worth
34:17
Speaker 2: the repercussions of what it could potentially have on your life.
34:20
Speaker 2: Coach Tiana wants to say, like, no one can stop.
34:22
Speaker 1: You from live your life. QUI you know, do you know?
34:24
Speaker 1: I mean no one? No one can stop you from
34:26
Speaker 1: having the experiences you're meant to have. Yeah, do you
34:27
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like no one could have prevented
34:29
Speaker 1: me from having that.
34:29
Speaker 2: It would have shown up in a different way for me,
34:31
Speaker 2: because obviously I was meant to learn that lesson, but like,
34:33
Speaker 2: in order to protect you, if I was your friend
34:35
Speaker 2: or sitting there and I am sitting here saying like,
34:38
Speaker 2: if you have just met the guy, don't fucking let
34:39
Speaker 2: him film me. No, Like, don't just don't do it.
34:42
Speaker 2: Like if you're new dating, if it's very new, you
34:45
Speaker 2: don't feel safe with the person, any part of you is,
34:47
Speaker 2: and any little inkling of like, oh this feels like
34:49
Speaker 2: a bad idea, Yeah, listen to that. Because I had
34:51
Speaker 2: that and I didn't listen to it. I didn't listen
34:54
Speaker 2: to it.
34:54
Speaker 1: I knew in the moment.
34:55
Speaker 2: I was like delete it, and he's like, oh, but
34:56
Speaker 2: I just want to keep is just for us? Don't
34:58
Speaker 2: you trust me? After two and a half years together?
35:00
Speaker 2: And then I felt guilty because I was like, fuck,
35:01
Speaker 2: now I'm.
35:02
Speaker 1: A bad partner. I should trust him. What will it look.
35:04
Speaker 2: Like like for him if he thinks that I don't
35:06
Speaker 2: trust him? Yeah, I really think, Like, listen to your
35:09
Speaker 2: intuition on this one. Be smart about your decisions. Just
35:12
Speaker 2: take a second to think about all the choice you
35:14
Speaker 2: are making.
35:15
Speaker 1: When you say smart, do you mean like not have
35:17
Speaker 1: your head in it. Yeah, don't have your face at
35:18
Speaker 1: an angle. Yeah. Absolutely.
35:20
Speaker 2: If you're sending photos, don't have your face. If you're
35:22
Speaker 2: sending videos or you're doing videos, you're creating videos, yeah,
35:25
Speaker 2: just don't have your face in.
35:26
Speaker 1: It, or any distinctive tattoos on markings that people could
35:28
Speaker 1: recognize you, Like I've got a big tattoo on my hair,
35:31
Speaker 1: big identifier. Yeah.
35:32
Speaker 2: But also I look straight at the camera. Yes, I
35:35
Speaker 2: was looking at the cap, do you know what I mean?
35:36
Speaker 2: So it's like, just be smart about your decisions. And
35:39
Speaker 2: I'm not trying to push my fear or like my
35:42
Speaker 2: self trust or no.
35:43
Speaker 1: I just got an honest answer from you. Yeah. Yeah,
35:45
Speaker 1: you're not trying to push anything. I just like, intuitively,
35:47
Speaker 1: what was the first thing that came up, Like, don't
35:48
Speaker 1: do it? Yeah, don't do it. Yeah.
35:50
Speaker 2: People aren't as trustworthy as they make it. Yes, that's
35:53
Speaker 2: what I truly believe. Like you don't know someone for
35:57
Speaker 2: like a while, do you know what I mean? If
35:59
Speaker 2: you know, people can pretend you know, and especially when
36:02
Speaker 2: a man wants something out of you. Here it is
36:05
Speaker 2: man wants something out of you. They're going to say
36:06
Speaker 2: all the things, they're going to do, all the things,
36:08
Speaker 2: they're going to present the perfect way until they get
36:10
Speaker 2: what they want, until you crumble and until they get
36:12
Speaker 2: what they want.
36:13
Speaker 1: Or say, you're with your partner who you do trust,
36:15
Speaker 1: but then you break up and he's angry it's something
36:18
Speaker 1: you've done. He's like, oh, I've got these videos. We
36:19
Speaker 1: have to get back at you. You just never know absolutely.
36:21
Speaker 2: Just if you want to create it, have it on
36:23
Speaker 2: your phone, don't have a copy of it if he
36:26
Speaker 2: will allow that, because obviously it goes two ways.
36:28
Speaker 1: But if you feel more comfortable, have it on your
36:30
Speaker 1: own phone if you want to. Yeah, good advice. Delete
36:33
Speaker 1: the vault. No different story.
36:35
Speaker 2: You've been together for seventeen years, there's some trust, there's
36:38
Speaker 2: some trust built there. But if you're like three months
36:40
Speaker 2: in and he's like, hey, let me film you. What
36:42
Speaker 2: about Max partner? For example, the guy that I was dating, Yes,
36:45
Speaker 2: he would push me to send photos. I told him
36:48
Speaker 2: this story, right, he knew about this, he knew every detail,
36:51
Speaker 2: and he would still push me for photos, for videos,
36:54
Speaker 2: for all of the things. And I was like, every
36:56
Speaker 2: single time he would do it. I would get triggered.
36:58
Speaker 2: I'm like, stop fucking asking me. Yeah, like, actually stop
37:01
Speaker 2: asking me, you actually push it, and I would get
37:03
Speaker 2: angry to the point of being like, you're fuck disrespect
37:05
Speaker 2: in me right now. And it would bring up all
37:07
Speaker 2: the feelings of feeling like I'm being pressured to do
37:09
Speaker 2: something I don't want just because you want a fund.
37:11
Speaker 1: For five seconds.
37:12
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm like, so what so you can show your friends?
37:14
Speaker 2: Like all yeah, stuff kept coming up of like cool,
37:17
Speaker 2: we're gonna go share it around with your buddies and
37:18
Speaker 2: send it to each other or what if you know.
37:20
Speaker 2: And this guy also was super emotionally erratic, super emotional.
37:25
Speaker 1: Trusting because he was so disregulated.
37:27
Speaker 2: He was so disregulated and just obviously had his own
37:29
Speaker 2: stuff to deal with too. And I was just like,
37:31
Speaker 2: the moment we would fight, he would one hundred percent
37:34
Speaker 2: be somebody to do something spiteful with it and use
37:36
Speaker 2: it against me. If there were many things that he
37:38
Speaker 2: tried to use against me whilst we were dating in
37:40
Speaker 2: that very short period of time. It's like as if
37:42
Speaker 2: I would give you photos of myself or give you
37:45
Speaker 2: a video of myself, there's no fucking way. Yeah, excuse
37:47
Speaker 2: of swearing, but I feel passionate about it.
37:49
Speaker 1: Really valid. Yeah, I think that's really good advice. So
37:52
Speaker 1: is it still triggering when they ask?
37:53
Speaker 2: Yes?
37:54
Speaker 1: Yeah, of course, Yeah, that makes total sense.
37:57
Speaker 2: It's just not something that I do, like any relationship
37:59
Speaker 2: after that. I don't send photos, I don't send videos,
38:01
Speaker 2: none of that.
38:01
Speaker 1: I think it's good you've got those boundaries, and I
38:03
Speaker 1: think women listening in me exam I've never had that experience,
38:06
Speaker 1: so it doesn't feel as heavy, yeah, for me to
38:08
Speaker 1: take a video or to take photos and send them
38:10
Speaker 1: to Steve, but since knowing you, it does feel heavier now.
38:13
Speaker 1: It does make me think, oh, would I be okay? Honestly,
38:16
Speaker 1: when I've taken photos of myself to send to Steve,
38:19
Speaker 1: I will make sure my head's not in it, and
38:20
Speaker 1: I'll think if this was to get out, how would
38:22
Speaker 1: I feel? And some of them like, eh, I don't care.
38:25
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, that's a little too much. But I
38:28
Speaker 1: think about that. That makes me think of whether I
38:30
Speaker 1: will actually press send or not. So I think it's
38:32
Speaker 1: good for women to hear this, and it's that Yeah,
38:35
Speaker 1: conscious thought beforehand. Definitely checking in with yourself and know
38:38
Speaker 1: that there is consequences to your actions. There's risks to
38:41
Speaker 1: every It's not even that I don't trust Steve. He
38:43
Speaker 1: loses shit all the time. Like if you lost your
38:45
Speaker 1: phone and some hacker got in there, got into your
38:48
Speaker 1: phone and then got into the vault. No goodness ever
38:50
Speaker 1: in trouble goodness.
38:52
Speaker 2: You know what, I just actually told a little white
38:53
Speaker 2: lie before. I haven't not sent a photo after I
38:55
Speaker 2: actually sent. I sent photos to my ex partner that
38:59
Speaker 2: I was with, but they were more discreeted, definitely, more
39:03
Speaker 2: discreet absolutely, but still I still pushed over the boundary
39:06
Speaker 2: of what I'm normally comfortable with with him because I
39:08
Speaker 2: had more trust for him. Yeah, and I also had
39:10
Speaker 2: in my head that we're going to be together for it. Well,
39:12
Speaker 2: so I was like, and he was cut out. My
39:14
Speaker 2: head was in some of it. Oh okay, And you
39:16
Speaker 2: know what the interesting thing is, he fucking pushed it
39:18
Speaker 2: back on me. So I said to him one day,
39:21
Speaker 2: We're having a conversation about the video and all the things,
39:23
Speaker 2: and I was like, oh no, but I've learned my lesson.
39:24
Speaker 1: He's like, well have you?
39:26
Speaker 2: And I was like, what do you mean You've sent
39:27
Speaker 2: me photos? And I was like, oh wow, how'd that
39:30
Speaker 2: make you feel?
39:31
Speaker 1: So shit? Babe?
39:32
Speaker 2: So shit because I was like angry and I was like,
39:34
Speaker 2: not me, what are you going to do with it?
39:35
Speaker 2: Then it made me scared because I was like, oh
39:37
Speaker 2: my god, I can't trust you with.
39:38
Speaker 1: My things now I askom to delete them? Yes I did. Yeah, Yeah,
39:42
Speaker 1: so scary. Yeah, it's just a good conversation to have though, definitely. Yeah, Well,
39:46
Speaker 1: thank you for being so open to finish this often
39:49
Speaker 1: closed off. This is now eight nine years later since
39:52
Speaker 1: it happened. You're twenty seven. This happened when you're nineteen.
39:55
Speaker 1: I'm really bad at math. Yeah, eight years. I'm like,
39:59
Speaker 1: is that? I'm questioning that in a nutshell? How do
40:02
Speaker 1: you feel about your sexuality? How do you feel about
40:04
Speaker 1: your shame? How do you feel about being intimate with
40:07
Speaker 1: a new partner? Do you think this stuff will arise?
40:08
Speaker 2: Like?
40:09
Speaker 1: Where are you at mentally, emotionally with the connection to
40:11
Speaker 1: your body in pleasure?
40:12
Speaker 2: I feel like the best that I've ever felt in
40:15
Speaker 2: my body and my connection to my pleasure. I feel
40:17
Speaker 2: really proud of myself. This last year I feel like
40:18
Speaker 2: has been a lot about me coming into that sexual
40:21
Speaker 2: energy doing it to giggle.
40:24
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say it's been a lot about my experiences
40:28
Speaker 1: just self pleasure. Oh no, no, no, no, I talk
40:31
Speaker 1: about it. We're like, oh my god, I had the
40:32
Speaker 1: best session last night.
40:34
Speaker 2: Yeah.
40:34
Speaker 1: I love that. We love self pleasures, we do. We
40:37
Speaker 1: love it. We encourage all women to have a self pleasure. Absolutely, hope.
40:41
Speaker 2: But no, it has been a lot about coming home
40:43
Speaker 2: to myself in so beautiful the shortest sentence possible, coming
40:46
Speaker 2: home to myself and feeling safe to receive again, safe
40:50
Speaker 2: to let people in, safe to trust and not just
40:52
Speaker 2: say that I trust, but safe to truly trust. I
40:55
Speaker 2: actually feel, you know, letting go of all those things
40:57
Speaker 2: that I've been holding onto and just knowing that I'm
41:00
Speaker 2: ultimately safe in my own body.
41:02
Speaker 1: Therefore I can then be trusting of other people too.
41:04
Speaker 1: You know.
41:05
Speaker 2: Eventually, when I do have a partner come in, I
41:08
Speaker 2: think that there will still be things that come up,
41:10
Speaker 2: you know, But I think that by the time that happens,
41:12
Speaker 2: you know, and I track somebody, I think that person's
41:14
Speaker 2: going to be able to receive it well, and hopefully
41:16
Speaker 2: they can prove to me and show me as well
41:17
Speaker 2: that they're a safe person for me too, and it
41:19
Speaker 2: will squash and dissolve all of those things. Like even
41:22
Speaker 2: conversations we've had have squashed sexual shame that I've had,
41:26
Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh cool, Like that doesn't even touch
41:28
Speaker 2: the sides for me anymore. You're not even worried about that.
41:30
Speaker 2: So I feel really good in myself. And I just
41:32
Speaker 2: think anyone who has been through this of any way,
41:35
Speaker 2: shape or form, exploited, video, sent scared, somebody held it
41:40
Speaker 2: against you, any of those things, I just want you
41:42
Speaker 2: to remind yourself that, like, it's not actually about those people.
41:44
Speaker 2: What it's showing you is like your relationship with yourself.
41:47
Speaker 2: And I really think it's a beautiful you know, it's
41:49
Speaker 2: fucked up, but a beautiful opportunity for you to reconnect
41:53
Speaker 2: with yourself in the way that your body really needs
41:55
Speaker 2: you to. And if you can look at it from
41:57
Speaker 2: that angle and kind of get the most out of
41:59
Speaker 2: it in that sense, it will be so great for
42:02
Speaker 2: you in the long run that you'll be like, oh
42:03
Speaker 2: my gosh, like I needed this experience, you know, And
42:06
Speaker 2: I think that's the most beautiful thing. I wouldn't have
42:09
Speaker 2: been able to have that experience at ayahuasca opening up
42:11
Speaker 2: my body and like allowing myself to experience pleasure and
42:15
Speaker 2: you know the feeling of the peak of an orgasm
42:17
Speaker 2: and fully feel safe to do so if I hadn't
42:20
Speaker 2: gotten the place that I.
42:21
Speaker 1: Am now a lot of conscious work. Yeah, well done.
42:24
Speaker 1: I'm very proud of you. I'm still angry that it happened. Yes,
42:28
Speaker 1: thank you, Prospectivestie, Yes always, but it was your journey,
42:32
Speaker 1: It is your journey, it will continue your journey, and
42:34
Speaker 1: I'm just really proud of you being so open and
42:36
Speaker 1: vulnerable and sharing a story to help other women. And
42:39
Speaker 1: I also think it will help you as well, just
42:41
Speaker 1: like letting it be seen, you know, and dissolving that
42:43
Speaker 1: shame even more so. Thank you so much. We'll see
42:47
Speaker 1: you guys next week. All right, bad guys,