Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / How Do We Tell the Difference Between Support & Control? | Thinking Out Loud
Transcript
- Kimberly: how do we tell the difference between support and control? The short answer, support gives you more choices. Control gives you fewer. Support helps you trust yourself. Control teaches you to trust someone else more than yourself. of this episode is about understanding why those two things can so similar why those two, one, why those feel so familiar, so similar. Three, The rest of this episode is about understanding why those two things feel so similar when you've grown up around unhealthy relationships. Welcome back to Thinking Out Loud. Hi, it's me Kimberly. Before we begin, a quick note this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates and leave the rest. Here, we slow down and explore life's gray areas, especially in relationships And behavior patterns we can observe and reflect on. I'm not here to tell you what to think. I'm here to offer framework to help you Understand your relationships, strengthen your own critical thinking, and hold space for complexity. Let's get to thinking out loud. Healing isn't always about recognizing unhealthy relationships. It's also about learning what healthy ones look like. that can be surprisingly difficult when your normal wasn't actually healthy. It was simply a different form of control. For me, I realized I'd become really good at spotting red flags, but I wasn't very good at recognizing green flags. I even mistook three, sometimes I even mistook safety for danger. Over time, I realized I was struggling to understand the difference between codependency and interdependence. Healthy relationships allow us to depend on one another. Essentially, having people who are dependable. all need people We all need people we can count on. Trusting others isn't weakness. It's part of being human. The relationships I grew up around me taught me something different. It felt normal to believe that everyone else's job was to manage the most emotional, unstable person in the room. If everyone adjusted their behavior just right, maybe we'd finally have peace. sometimes that person change depended on the season of life. But we weren't recognizing some people can be so used to chaos, they end up creating more while you're busy trying to create peace. I truly thought safety came from control. I didn't realize that healthy relationships create safety through respect for each person's individuality. There's a huge difference. One functions where everyone sacrifices themselves to keep one person's emotional world from falling apart. other recognizes that The other recognizes that everyone's needs are important and they matter. People compromise, collaborate, and build something together. No one has to disappear so someone else can feel okay. That's a very different kind of relationship. I've been thinking about this analogy. Healthy support is like a safety net. It's there if you fall. It's there when you need it. it doesn't create problems so you keep needing it. it doesn't tell you where you're allowed to walk. That's an important distinction. Healthy people don't need to control your life to care about your life. They don't need to agree with Every decision. They don't need to understand every choice. They simply respect that your life belongs to you. Support can sound like I trust you'll figure this out. What do you think you want to do? I'm here if you need me. I can't decide for you, but I am happy to be a sounding board. Do what aligns with your values. You know yourself better than I do. Do you like advice or would you rather I just listen? Whatever you decide, I'm still here. It's okay if your choices is different than the ones I've made. How can I support you? Take your time. You don't have to decide right away. If this doesn't work, we'll figure out the next steps together. I might see things differently. I respect that this is your decision. You don't have to earn my support by agreeing with me. Notice something, support it's curious, it asks questions, offers perspective without demanding obedience, reminds you that you're capable of making your own decisions. Control often does the opposite. It gives answers instead of asking questions. It assumes it already knows what's best for you. And if things don't work out, somehow the conclusion is never life is complicated. Instead it's you should have listened to me. See? told you so. This is why you can't make decisions on your own. Now look what happened. If you just do what I said, you obviously weren't paying attention. I was only trying to help. Notice how the response don't help you learn. They teach you to doubt yourself instead. Support believes you're capable. And this belief can sound like I know this is hard, but I think you can handle it. Even if you make mistakes, you'll learn from it. I don't need to rescue you for you to succeed. you should be proud because you're trying. I believe in your ability to solve problems. don't need me three, two, You don't need my permission. Support isn't afraid to watch you struggle a little bit, watch you flounder. Because it knows struggle and failure is a part of growth. Control assumes you're incapable. It sounds like you'll never figure it out without me. Let me just do it. you always make bad decisions. My goodness. You can't trust yourself. Don't think about it. Do what I say. You'll mess it up if I don't step in. Sometimes it can sound loving, sound like the person cares. Sometimes it even sounds protective. However, underneath the message is this I don't trust your judgment. Support helps you become more yourself. It celebrates your individuality. It says, I love seeing you grow. You're discovering who you are. don't have to do to be like me. Three, two, one. You don't have to be like me. It's okay if we have different opinions. I'm excited to see where your life takes you. You don't owe me your identity. Healthy support is comfortable watching you become someone it didn't expect. Control slowly asks you to become less of yourself. Sometimes it's obvious. Sometimes it's incredibly subtle. it can sound like why can't you be more like you used to be? You've changed. I liked you better before. Don't wear that, don't say that. Don't tell people about our family. Don't tell people about our drama. We need to keep it between us. People won't like you if you act like that. You're embarrassing me. You need to stop thinking like that. little by little the message becomes be yourself as long as yourself doesn't inconvenience me. And eventually you stop asking, who am I? you start asking, who do I have to be to keep everyone else comfortable? I think that's one of the clearest signs you've moved from support into control. it can be confusing at first because control doesn't always feel cruel. It sometimes feels loving, it feels like concern. even feels like sacrifice, but underneath it all, it isn't always about protecting you. Sometimes it's about protecting someone else's sense of safety, their comfort, certainty, identity. a lot of us were raised believing it was our job to manage the emotions of the people around us. To keep the pace, baby. Avoid upsetting mama. Don't disappoint daddy. To make sure everyone else was okay before we asked whether we were okay. sometimes we call it culture, sometimes we call it tradition, and sometimes those traditions have beautiful parts worth keeping. I also think it's healthy to ask, is this tradition helping people flourish? Or is this pattern we've become so used to that we no longer question it? I don't think every tradition is unhealthy. I also don't think every tradition is healthy simply because it's old. both can be true. gives those questions. my nose. Healthy relationships gives us room to ask those questions. For example, the trad wife lifestyle doesn't fit in my marriage. And that doesn't make it wrong. If that's what genuinely brings someone joy, wonderful. at the same time, it's okay that my husband and I have built something different. Healthy relationships give people room to create their own rule book together. That's true in marriages and it's true in friendships and even true in parenting. That's the reason there isn't just one parenting book. Families are different. Children are unique. people are individually and uniquely themselves. What works beautifully for one family may not work at all for another. Healthy support leaves room for that reality. Control struggles with it. Control often sounds certain. This worked for me. So it has to work for you. This is just how our family does things. This is our culture. This is tradition. Sometimes those ideas contain wisdom and sometimes they don't. Because sometimes people need you to do the thing that works for them because they need it to make sense. usually that's an indicator that someone else needs their reality to make sense And sometimes we keep the parts that help us while changing the parts that don't. I think that's one of the healthiest things humans can do. It's important. Because we evolve. The hardest part is that control rarely introduces itself as control. It usually wears the costume of love and often it asks you to prove your love by participation. I'm only worried about you, so you change. I know what's best, so you make yourself smaller. you'll thank me later. So you stop asking questions. I just don't want you getting hurt. So you stop taking risks, you stop exploring, you stop trusting yourself. Not to be unfair, most of those statements can come from genuine places. Parents say them, friends say them, partners say them. The words themselves aren't necessarily the problem. The difference is what happens when you disagree. Healthy support can tolerate your autonomy. It may not always like your decisions. It may even tell you why it disagrees. It still respects that the decision belongs to you. Control cannot. Tolerate that. the moment you choose a different path, suddenly you're selfish, ungrateful, naive, disrespectful, difficult. The help starts coming with strings attached. The support becomes conditional. It quietly shifts from I care about you to I'll care about you as long as you do what I think you should. And that's a very different kind of relationship. Support and control ask completely different questions. Support ask, what do you need? Control ask, how do I get you to do what I think you should? sometimes control says what do you need, but then complains about everything you ask for. both might offer advice, both might express concerns, but the motivation underneath it is completely different. Support respects your agency. Control competes with it. Are you sure about that? Are you sure about that? Are you sure about that? Healing has taught me something. relationships don't make every decision making Healthy relationships don't make every decision easier. They do make you feel safer making your own decisions, and that's the difference. Control creates anxiety and confusion. It often undermines your confidence instead of building it. It plants seeds of doubt. It worked out this time. You just got lucky. wouldn't do that if I were you. I knew this would happen. You don't really know what you're doing, do you? Even when things go well, there's often a reason your success doesn't count. To be clear, I'm not talking about genuinely dangerous and risky behavior. I'm not talking about drinking and driving. abusing substances, neglecting your children, or making decisions that put yourself or others in serious risk. Talking about the ordinary everyday risks that come with becoming your own person, taking a job your family wouldn't have chosen for you, starting a business, going back to school, setting boundaries, moving to a different city, parenting differently than you were raised, choosing not to have children, choosing to have children, changing careers at 40, up old speaking up when you're always speaking up when you're always Speaking up when you have always stayed quiet, saying no. Those aren't dangerous. They're simply unscripted. And for people who feel safest when someone follows the same script, your growth can feel threatening even when it isn't. Support creates confidence, not because it guarantees success, but because it helps you prepare for uncertainty. Support sounds like, let's think this through together. What resources do you need? Let's get you prepared. What's your backup plan? plan B thinking. What are you excited about? What worries you? If it doesn't work out, what will you learn? Support doesn't solve every problem for you. It teaches you the skills to solve problems yourself because you are capable. It helps you build confidence instead of dependence. If you're struggling with budgeting, maybe someone teaching you how to make a budget instead of controlling your money for you. you're nervous about a new job interview, then practice with with you instead of telling you you're telling you not If you're nervous about a job interview, they will practice with you instead of telling you not to apply or just to give up. If you're overwhelmed as a parent, they offer ideas without amplifying, you're a failure. Support strengthens your ability. It does not replace them. Control makes you second guess yourself. of asking what do I think, you begin ask you begin asking. What would they begin asking what would they want me to do? Instead of asking what do I think, you begin asking yourself, what would they want me to do? And you might do it subconsciously. You rehearse conversations in your head. You overexplain simple decisions. You ask for permission when you don't actually need permission. You apologize for having preferences. You feel guilty for disappointing people. Eventually, You stop trusting your own instincts because you've been taught someone else's judgment is more reliable than yours. Support reminds you that you're capable. It says, I believe in you. I know you'll figure this out. You've handled hard things before. Girlfriend, you got this. Mistakes don't make you a failure. It means you're learning. You don't have to get up perfectly, queen. You're already enough. I trust your judgment. Support doesn't expect perfection. It expects growth and it sees it. And those are very different expectations. Control keeps moving the finish line, changing the goalpost. This is something I think most people miss. No matter what you accomplish, it's never quite enough. You finally lose the weight. You still have a long way to go there, sweetie. You graduated. Well, what are you gonna do next? you get promoted. That position sounds stressful. Are you sure you're making enough money? You set a healthy boundary. You're being so selfish. You finally cleaned the house. You missed a spot. You become the person they asked you to become and somehow the expectation changes again. Because the goal was never really growth. the goal was maintaining control. You are never allowed to struggle. You are only allowed to overcome. And if you feel like you're never good enough, you'll keep looking to someone else for approval. support celebrates your growth even if it isn't perfect. I've noticed how much more confident you become. I'm proud of how hard you've worked. That didn't go exactly how you hoped, but look how much you learned from it. You handled that differently than you used to. excited to see you I am so excited to see you become more of yourself. support celebrates progress, not perfection. It understands that growth is messy. Sometimes healing looks graceful and sometimes it looks like stumbling through something you've never done before, but it's still growth. They're both growth. And I think that's the biggest difference. One leaves you feeling smaller. the other leaves you feeling more like yourself. And sometimes that can be scary. One teaches you that your worth depends on meeting someone else's expectation. And the other teaches you that your worth exists before you succeeded, before you failed, before you get it right. And that can feel like a trick. One asks you to shrink so someone else can feel comfortable. The other gives you room to expand, to become more curious, more confident, more honest, more creative, more authentic, When you're in a healthy relationship, you don't feel managed. You feel seen. don't feel like you don't feel like you borrowed someone else's identity for a while. You feel like you've come home to your own. And I think that's one of the most beautiful gifts healthy support can offer. Not dependence, not obedience. the confidence to trust yourself while knowing you don't have to face life alone. This is where I think nuance matters. don't believe I don't believe every controlling behavior automatically makes someone abusive. Sometimes people become controlling because they're anxious. learned that if they can pr they've learned that if they can predict everything, they can prevent pain. Sometimes it's a projection of their own unresolved experiences. Maybe they were betrayed. So they assume everyone will betray them. Maybe they failed once, so they assume you'll fail too. Sometimes they're scared. They genuinely believe they're protecting you because no one ever taught them another way. Sometimes it's simply how. They were loved and maybe love always came with advice. Maybe it came with criticism disguised as help. Maybe someone made every decision for them, how so now that so now that's what feels normal. We often love the way we were taught to love until we're learning something different, until we replace it. That doesn't excuse harmful behavior. It can help us understand where it comes from. Because intent matters. If I accidentally step on your foot, my intention is different than if I did it on purpose. Your foot still hurts. Good intentions don't erase impact. And at the same time, impact isn't always as simple as if I felt hurt, someone must have intended harm. Sometimes our own history shapes how we experience a situation. Sometimes we project. I don't say that with criticism. I say that because I've done it too. Healing has taught me that not every comfortable feeling is a warning sign. Sometimes it's an old wound asking for attention. For example, someone takes a little longer to text back and suddenly you feel abandoned. Maybe someone gives you constructive feedback and it feels like rejection because criticism was never safe growing up. Maybe a person says they need a quiet weekend. and your mind immediately jumps to they must be upset with me. Those reactions are real and those feelings are real. The story we are telling ourselves though about them may or may not be true. And on the other hand, sometimes what we call a trigger, is actually our intuition recognizing a familiar pattern. Someone consistently dismisses your boundary. Someone repeatedly makes you feel guilty for saying no. only sees someone only seems supportive when you agree with them. Those are worth paying attention to. isn't about assuming every feeling is right. Every feeling is It is also not about assuming every feeling is wrong. It's about becoming curious enough to ask, what is this feeling trying to tell me? Projection can also happen in the other direction. Sometimes we unintentionally recreate familiar relationship patterns ourselves. We rush into relationships because closeness feels urgent. We pour all our energy into while neglecting ourselves. We become the fixer, the rescuer, the peacemaker. We say yes when we mean no. We overextend ourselves because being needed feels familiar. months later we exhaust it. later we're exhausted and wondering why no one seems to notice our needs. the truth is sometimes we haven't noticed them either. No one else can fully determine your triggers for you. Other people can offer observations, they can ask for thoughtful questions. only you can begin to recognize what your nervous system is reacting to and why. You know your inner world in a way no one else can. That's why self-reflection matters so much. It's important to stay curious about ourselves to ask, what am I feeling? What story am I telling myself? Is this reaction coming from this moment or is it connected to something older? always be prere There won't always be perfect answers. time, that curiosity becomes confident. Over time, the curiosity becomes confidence. begin trusting yourself, not because you'll never make You begin trusting yourself not because you'll never make mistakes, but because you know you'll be able to learn from them and you start believing, I'll figure it out. if what works for me and if what worked for me doesn't work anymore, I'm allowed to grow. Someone can genuinely love you it'll become sometimes that becomes so normal that we begin violating our own autonomy. We go to parties we never wanted to attend. We choose careers because they make someone else proud. We stay in relationships because leaving would disappoint people. We say yes before we stopped and asked ourselves if this is what actually I wanted. little by little you stop consulting yourself. That's why I think one of the most important relationships you'll ever build is the one we have with ourselves. Because at the end of the day, you have to live with you. You have to live with your choices learning to hear your own voice isn't selfish. It's part of becoming whole. Recognizing unhealthy patterns don't require us to hate others. It also doesn't require us to hate ourselves for participating in them. It simply allows us to tell the truth about our relationships and from there. Make different choices. Sometimes love exists and sometimes it's expressed in unhealthy ways. Both can be true. And I think healing begins when we're brave enough to hold both truths at the same time. Sometimes the questions were asking to keep us stuck. We spent so much time asking are they toxic? Are they controlling? Are they a narcissist? Those questions can feel important. sometimes keep our attention they keep our attention on sometimes on they keep our attention on diagnosing someone else instead of understanding our own experience. a better question is who Maybe a better question is, who am I becoming in this relationship? Maybe instead of asking, are they controlling? Ask yourself, do I feel like myself around them? Do I disagree without fearing punishment? Am I allowed to grow in a direction they wouldn't choose? Can I say no? Can I change my mind? Can I have different values without constantly defending them? Do I leave conversations feeling respected or managed or pitied? Do I feel like I have to earn love or simply receive it? Those questions often reveal more than a single behavior. When I start asking those questions, I notice something. Not everyone fit into the same category. Some people genuinely let me be myself. Some people really wanted to support me, but they were untangling their own enmeshment. They had good intentions, but they had to learn that love could exist without control. and other people seem to experience my autonomy as a threat and That was painful to realize. I also had to look inward because I noticed something about myself too. I have spent so much energy trying to earn acceptance from people who didn't want to support my autonomy that I sometimes showed up less fully for people who actually did. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I questioned genuine kindness. I overexplained myself to safe people because I was used to defending every decision. I even expected healthy people to read Sometimes I even expected healthy people to react the way unhealthy people had to me. that and that's what healing looked like sometimes. that's what healing looked like sometimes. Not only seeing other people's patterns, seeing my own. also started I also started noticing expectations that had quietly become rules. you, what they're o What they're often saying is you owe me. after everything I've done for you, what they're actually saying is you owe me. Healthy generosity does not create invisible debts. It doesn't keep score. And sometimes, why don't you call me more? That's not necessarily manipulation. Sometimes it's simply someone expressing that they miss you. It can become unhealthy when that expectation is one sided. When your life, your schedule, your capacity, and your needs stop mattering, when saying, I'm really overwhelmed right now is met with guilt instead of understanding. Or maybe someone saying, If you loved me, you, if you cared about me, you would. if family mattered to you, you would do notice what happens? Love is being measured by compliance instead of asking, How are you doing? The focus becomes why aren't you meeting my expectations? Healthy relationships don't always assume access to you. They appreciate access to you. That's the difference. No one is entitled to unlimited time, unlimited emotional energy, and unlimited availability simply because of the role they play in your life. Relationships thrive on mutual care, not obligation, and I think that's the biggest shift healing has given me. I stopped asking, how do I become who they need me to be? And I started asking myself, who am I when I am free to be myself? Because at the end of the day, the healthiest relationships don't require you to disappear. They give you room to become more fully yourself. They trust that if the relationship is healthy, there will be enough space for both of you to grow. I think one of the hardest parts of healing is realizing that freedom can feel uncomfortable. If you've lived with control for long enough, respect can feel unfamiliar. Choice can feel overwhelming. Being asked what do you want can feel like a trick question when you've spent years asking what does everyone else want from me. healthy people might even seem less loving at first because They aren't constantly managing your life. They aren't telling you who to be. They aren't solving every problem. They aren't keeping a score. they're giving you the gift of trusting you're in a capable person. Instead, they're giving you an incredible gift of trusting you, trusting you're a capable adult, trusting that you'll figure it out, and if you can't, that you will ask for help. And if you're not used to being trusted, that kind of freedom can feel unsettling before it feels safe. It can feel like abandonment. But over time, something beautiful begins to happen. You stop looking around the room for permission. You stop apologizing for having preferences and standards. stop believing that you stop believing that love has to be earned through self-sacrifice. You begin trusting yourself again, not because you suddenly have all the answers, because you've learned that making a mistake doesn't mean you failed. It means you're living, you're learning, you're becoming. I think that's one of the greatest gifts healthy support can give us. not dependency, not obedience, not certainty, The confidence to know that your own voice is entitled to a seat at the table. That your needs matter. That your boundaries matter. That your curiosity matters. that we can love other people deeply without abandoning ourselves in the process. That we can be a community. Maybe that's what healing is. because is not because Not becoming someone completely different. Slowly becoming home to the person you were always capable of being. If today's conversation resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts. When did you first realize there was a difference between support or control? And maybe a better question is, when was the first time someone made you feel safe enough to be yourself? I'd love to hear your story. can leave a comment. a comment, send me a message, you can leave a comment, send me a message, or simply spend a few moments reflecting. on those questions yourself. if you're still figuring that out, that's okay too. Healing isn't about getting everything right. It's not a race. It's about becoming a little bit more honest with yourself each day. Thank you for slowing down and thinking out loud with me. Until next time, take care of yourself and don't forget to make room for your own voice. I'll see you in the next episode.